Ten Months

Never a dull moment right? Never able to fit just right and always out of place. It's hard when you feel like a circle peg trying to get into a start shaped hole. Why is it that I feel like nothing is ever fitting right in life and I feel like there is nothing left to do at all. I talked to Heather for a long time tonight, what I didn't tell her is that lately its been harder and harder for me to get things done. It's lonely around here, I live alone now, for the first time really with not much hope of me havign a roommate anytime soon. I mean I have talked with Brandon about rooming with him at the end of this year, but that is a long time away.

And there is so much else to be scared of, besides what I spent most of my time talking to Heather about. But, this has been really hard on me lately, because my Dad keeps saying it, and its fucking pissing me off, not at him, just in general to think. My Dad keeps saying that he knows he is dying and that he just can't keep working this long. I know that the reason he is working is partly my fault, I am the one still in school dependant on my parents.

My mom is retired now, if my Dad dies I don't know what I will do then, I mean realistically my mom is not really my Mom, she's my step mom. My real mom died when I was 6. For real family, parents that is this is my last one. And I really love my dad, I really do. I may give him Hell, but I feel like I need to go see him this week, first and foremost. He works so hard up there, away from anyone else and he's practically all alone except for his friend from work who lives about twenty miles away, Charles, but he's not up there all of the time.

So that's what I'm doing, and I feel bad that I can't even talk about half of the stuff I want to talk about here, that was only one of the most pertinent. For those of you expecting more on the lady I wrote about yesterday, well I had something personal and important to talk about today. I had to talk about yesterday was a shitty day, I had to talk about it because it's what I have been wanting to say about everyday for the last few weeks; and really life is not looking any better. I've got this secret in me, eating away at everything, I've got something to worry about all of the time, and I have no one to talk to about half of these things and no one to spend time with.

Ten months until I move out, ten months until the next summer, ten more months life feeling disconnected. I can only pray that at the end of all of this when I am back around people I don't feel just as lonely still.

This my life for the next ten months.