Second Best

I'm starting to feel like things really aren't designed to work out for the best, things just seem to roll on without much reguard for the what the best truly is and it really makes me feel helpless to do anything about it, and I know I am. I feel really bad, I have since last night and I guess you can say that I just feel like I've never really gotten what I want out of life. I know that sounds kind of selfish--like I just want what I want, but its not that. I think I'd just like to have one thing that I really feel like I want, I don't neccessarily mean material possessions, I could care less about fancy cars and things because those don't last and they aren't improtant things to me.

What I mean is that whenever I work my hardest for what I want, whether it be something like a title, or a friend or a girl, it always seems to either backfire or just end up not working out the way that it should. And I know that I'm not the one who should decide the way it all works out, but I'd just like something to work out the way I want once. Things don't always work out how a person wants and I know that, I understand that are billions of people in the world and if it worked out in favor of them all then we'd get no where because some people want to just lay about and do nothing, some people want to control everyone around them and some people simply want us all dead.

If they all got their way then, well there would be no order at all. The world needs order, but some of the things I want wouldn't cause a horrible disturbance in the way of the world. I'd like to once post a story on the net that gets read, I'd like to have the motivation to do things like learn guitar or something like that, I'd like to feel something for a girl and have her feel it back, I'd like to not be criticized by most of the people around me for the way I see things, especially when its something that's just not really any of their business, I'd like to have my parents (both of them) trust me.

It occured to me last night that I always end up feeling like second best, and thats about as high as I get in the race. I know that most of the time you can't see things as a comeptition, but I do--all I can do is see it like that. I guess its just how I look at the world and even if the current problem is resolved I'll still feel like this because well, this will still be true. No matter what the outcome is now it can't change the past, but I can't seem to feel sorry about the past and I hate that feeling.

Its good to say that I didn't get what I wanted done this weekend, I didn't write the forty pages I wanted, I didn't get to finsih watching Season One of Angel and I basically did nothing else all weekend with the exception of Friday night. I feel like I waste so much of my time on just sitting around thinking about things I can't help, and I know I can't help them, but that doesn't stop the worry and the hurt and stuff that comes with some of it.

I think the only thing that really keeps me going is having so many friends that are just willing to listen to what I have to say and not be judgemental. If there's anything in my life I can claim that goes right its my friends being there for me--well most of them being there for me. A few seem to care less what happens to me, but there's always some that are willing to help and if you're reading this I'm really thankful for you. I guess I should get on to something else before I bring myself down more.

The more and more I watch TV the more and more I start to think it is a dying art, shows that are innovative or new seem to be totally lacking and the shows that are smart and funny, or clever and witty get yanked from the air because the general public is too dim to understand them. Like right now, I'm sitting here typing this and the tv is playing in the other room. Someone left it running and Days of Our Lives is on, from what I can here one of the characters lured some people to a desert island where he as constructed a replica of some city and placed A FORCE FEILD around it. Now what's wrong with that sentence...lets see I think the answer is jumping out at you in huge fucking letters! I mean this show is not Star Trek, it takes place in the present and when you ask people to take that kind of suspension of belief on something its a huge leap of faith. Even the part about the desert island.

I mean when you make a good show like X-Files or something like that where there's aliens in it people have a hard time just believeing that there are other beings in the universe, but they can watch a soap opera where some guy builds a force field on a desert island that has enough energy to cover a replica of and entire city? I mean there's so much wrong with that to a smart person, to any smart person. You have to think where did he get all this energy to power the field, where did he get the developemental money, the reserch teams, the builders of the town....etc...

It's such a stuid ploy but still millions sit there watching this shit and call it quality. And don't even get me started on Reality TV, this Real World bullshit like Big Brother is really pissing me off. I miss tv with actors in it. And I miss chanels showing what they say they're going to, like MTV having music on, or at least a show slightly music related. Not dumb ass pranks and stunts and stuff like that. I can't see how the television industry sleeps at night with the way its made stupidity the norm and not thinking for a half hour the bare minimum.

Well I have to go, I have other things to do. I might update this later.