The Price

Fed up and tired, I had a lot of fun today, but fun comes with a price. And here's the deal; I go out with my friends, we have all kinds of fun. We talk about any and everything, no topic is taboo. But then when I look around and think about it, I feel pretty lonely most of the time. Its not the apartment here alone, fuck I could care less about living alone. But its just being alone. I try to talk to girls, I try just to be confident and to get out there and make something happen.

See I don't believe in destiny, its something for storybooks and Role Playing Games, and I don't believe in one person for everyone. I think that you just get out there and you find someone compatable, or you don't. But we agree that you have to try. There is no one, this is not the Matrix. Like I said, you just have people and people compatable with all of those people.

I can't do the things I feel like doing, I can't talk to girls the way I want or in any way for that matter. I feel sad because I know a girl I really like and I don't even want to go there. And I know the kind of girls I like, to tell the truth I can usually look at a person and tell a lot about them. Its not really reading a book by its cover, its taking the book, observing it, watching the types of books its neaby in the library, maybe even getting close enough to read the back...is that enough metaphor for you?

When I see a girl in public and I want to talk to them, its not about getting laid, I don't give a fuck about sex in the sense that its not all that important and its not a first step to any good relationship. Its just about getting to know them, and that might sound like shit or something to some of you, but I really don't care. In fact, I am way past caring. See I cared back when I used to sit there and rake myself over because I would think that some girl was perfect for me, and when I would just try to be friends with them, try to get to know them they throw it in my face.

The truth is, I'm not meant for the dating scene, no girls I know want to meet guys like me and when they do happen to like me, its in a friendly way. And it hurts because I get to sit there and feel alone at a table full of people who have someone or had someone for a long time. And what do I have, my one month of a long distance relationship and no experince in any thing. I feel like I'm a little league guy in some kind of universe wide major league. I don't like it, I don't like existing like this without any real way to even talk to someone and just becoming this nervous wreck at any sign of...anything.

A lot of my female friends try to help, I know at some point Heather did, Tarin does all of the time, and yeah its sad to have people trying to help you. But it feels bad to always be alone, or to have no first hand experince to talk about when someone brings up relationships. I can say something about most subjects, but that one...I don't really know a damn thing. Once again, I don't mean sex, I mean EVERYTHING. Really if I had a girl to do nothing but sit and talk with, share things with, that would probably be enough for now. But I don't really have anything at this point, I have my friends and yeah, that's it. Some would say that's enough.

But even then all my friends, for the most part, not all, but most of them have someone...and then that leaves me. So here's to me on the ragged edge.

EDIT: A good friend of mine just left a suicide note in her blog. She tried to kill herself over some asshole guy who treated her like shit in the first place. Fuck people, I mean really fuck them, if you can treat someone who loves you like trash then you deserve to burn in Hell, its worse than anything else you can do because that person actually loved you and you did this to them, treated them like they were nothing more than invisible and untouchable. I hope her boyfriend feels this every day and it eats at him, I hope it drives him insane to know what he caused.

EDIT 2: The good thing is my friend is okay, I still think this guy needs to have a big eye opener, he needs to learn what a good thing is and when not to fuck it up.