Procedure

Is this standard procedure for you? Is this how you treat people who extend their hand and try to talk to you, try to be your friend at the very least. I don't know how some people manage to reach out to others that they don't know. Being open and friendly often seems to end with you being rejected. How do you handle that rejection? What's the right way to do this?

I haven't found my niche for meeting people, new friends or otherwise, it seems that the people I meet lately pass through my life just as soon as they came in. And when I reached out to meet someone, through another person--it ended in my being treated like I was nothing, like I was old news and unwanted. I don't care what anyone says, it hurts being treated like that even by new people.

So here is the thing, I think I might just let this thing go. Toss this to the side and forget about this because more than anything else I don't want to deal with how some others treat those who reach out to them.

Easter

Today is Easter I know, and there's just something unappealing to me about having to go over to my parent's house and hang out with them. I know this might sound like something trivial, as a matter of a fact it might sound down right stupid.

But things haven't been as good as they should maybe, and like any time that I'm alone I've had too much time to think. I have pretty no idea what to do most of the time, no direction to take and I don't know how to do things that maybe I should have some idea of how to. There is this guy, he's always doing these things like trying to be so adventurous and trying to take up new hobbies and things.

I really dislike him as a person (he's a bit of a playboy) but I wonder if I shouldn't be more like him in the regard of all these little experiments and trying to 'find my self'. Can you really even find yourself?

Sometimes I don't want to do anything, sometimes I just want to sit and think. Sometimes I think that everything is a waste of time and I wonder if I can even find something to do that won't just be another waste of time. There are these times where I know that I hate how people regard me. Its not a matter of caring too much about other people. Its just wondering why they think of you a certain way. How come people feel the need to be so vocal in expressing all your faults? How come people people think its so important you conform to them.

I mean a lot of the time I find it hard to even want to answer people when they ask me for my opinion on something they're discussing. It's not that I am afraid to express my opinion, that's not it at all. Its more of the fact that I don't want to have to argue my point. Regardless of how much I think I am right, at least as far as what's for me. I mean they'll ask what I think about strip clubs or something stupid like that and of course I've never been to one, don't ever want to go or plan on going.

Of course I get the same response that I get when I don't like something and there are other people around arguing it, "Well don't knock it till you try it." It actually makes me angry now when I hear it.

As far as other people that I know, ones who I know better, I hardly get to see most of them. I think that in recent memory the best time I have has been my birthday weekend in San Antonio. I wish I could have something like that at least from time to time. And now I know I need to start making plans again and sticking to them. I said I wanted to get something published, go back to school, none of that's going to get done with out me doing something about it.

And Dan Brown Says Something's Wrong With the American People

Someone on myspace posted this:

MY NAME IS DAN BROWN. NO, I AM NOT THE AUTHOR, DAN BROWN, WHOM I ADMIRE VERY MUCH. RATHER, I AM JUST A 75 YEAR OLD RETIREE WITH LOTS OF TIME ON MY HANDS WHO LOVES THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA WITH ALL THAT'S WITHIN ME.

I AM NOT A PATRIOT. I HAVE NEVER SERVED IN THE ARMED FORCES OF THIS GREAT NATION, TO MY SORROW, BUT DUE TO CIRCUMSTANCES WHICH YOU DON'T CARE ABOUT. I HAVE NEVER MADE A BIG MARK IN THIS WORLD.

I HOLD DEARLY TO CONSERVATIVE PRINCIPLES. I NORMALLY VOTE REPUBLICAN.

I AM A CHRISTIAN AND AM VERY PROUD OF IT. I AM NOT A COWARD - BUT I AM PETRIFIED.

WE ARE FACING THE REAL POSSIBILITY THAT BARACK OBAMA WILL BE THE NEXT PRESIDENT OF THIS NATION. NO ONE KNOWS ANYTHING ABOUT THIS MAN EXCEPT THAT HE DOES HAVE GREAT CHARISMA. HE HAS NOT AT ANY TIME DURING THIS CAMPAIGN REVEALED WHAT HE STANDS FOR, WHAT HE BELIEVES IN, OTHER THAN OBAMA, NOR WHAT HIS PLANS ARE TO EFFECT CHANGE WHICH HE TALKS ABOUT UNCEASINGLY.

I AM NOT AN INSIDER. I HAVE NO PROOF OF WHAT I BELIEVE, BUT I DO BELIEVE THAT WITH THE RESOURCES I DO NOT HAVE THAT MOST OF THE FOLLOWING COULD BE ESTABLISHED.

I BELIEVE THAT WHEN MICHELLE OBAMA MADE HER INFAMOUS STATEMENT ON TUESDAY OF THIS WEEK THAT FOR THE FIRST TIME IN MY LIFE I AM PROUD OF MY COUNTRY'', SHE PROBABLY MADE THE MOST TRUTHFUL STATEMENT OF THE CAMPAIGN. SHE JUST FAILED TO NAME WHAT HER COUNTRY IS. I BELIEVE THAT IT IS OBVIOUS THAT HER COUNTRY AS WELL AS THAT OF HER HUSBAND IS NOT THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA. HER PRIDE IN HER COUNTRY STEMS FROM HER BELIEF THAT THEY ARE ON THE VERGE OF TRANSFORMING THE GREATEST COUNTRY IN THE WORLD TO AN ISLAMIC NATION.

NO, I BELIEVE SHE MADE THE TRUE STATEMENT, AND SHE HAD NEVER BEEN PROUD OF THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA.

IT HAS NEVER BEEN HER COUNTRY! (JM)

WE ALL WERE ASTOUNDED WITH THE AMOUNT OF MONEY WHICH CAME INTO THE OBAMA CAMPAIGN COFFERS EARLY IN THIS YEAR, JUST WHEN IT WAS NEEDED.

I BELIEVE THE SOURCE IS NOT VERY MYSTERIOUS. I BELIEVE THIS MONEY WAS DISTRIBUTED IN AMOUNTS WHICH WOULD NOT RAISE A FLAG TO A GREAT MANY POOR PEOPLE, DISHWASHERS, TAXI DRIVERS, WAITERS, ETC., TO BE DONATED TO THE CAMPAIGN, BY MIDDLE-EASTERN FORCES WHICH ARE VERY ANONYMOUS.

WE HAVE EIGHT MONTHS IN WHICH WE MUST BRING SOME OF THIS TO THE ATTENTION OF THE AMERICAN PEOPLE.

WE CANNOT ALLOW BARACK OBAMA TO BE ELECTED PRESIDENT OF THIS NATION.

IF THIS ARTICLE CAN ACHIEVE THE ATTENTION THAT I HOPE THAT IT WILL, I WOULD EXPECT REPRISALS. WHAT GREATER SERVICE COULD I BE TO MY COUNTRY..

I can't tell you how wrong all of this seems, how much it seems like people just being stupid over something that really doesn't make sense. Half of it seems like conspiracy theory mixed in with some kind of racial and religious hatred. The whole thing if you read it draws a lot of speculation and some of it even seems to be trying to say that Obama is some sort of terrorist spy. The first part of this message actually acts like Obama hasn't announced anything about his campaign, which is untrue.

Secondly, I think that Hilliary supporters, McCain supporters, any of them will admit that Obama's values are not that of an Islamic nation, nor are they that of some radicalist group bent on the destruction of the American way.

Even the idea that Michelle Obama is anything but American (she was born in Chicago IL) is stupid. I am going to have to just go ahead and say that there are plenty of reasons to vote for and against different people in this race. I'm not even saying you should vote for Obama or vote Democratic or vote at all. But if you let these kinds of accusations make your choice for you, then I think something is truly wrong and you probably don't have the intelligence to vote.

Risk

"Anything worth getting is worth risking for, but not everything with risk is worth getting."

Lately...

So it would seem that I have been kind of absent from the blog scene for a while. I haven't actually written in this thing as much as I promised myself that I would. I would like to say that a lot has happened but it really hasn't. My life's not a very eventful one in truth, lately I have just been going to work, coming home and hanging out here and that's it. Probably the thing keeping me from doing this the most has been writing.

When I think about writing, I just get caught up and I can never pull myself away from what I am doing. Right now I am working on two stories. But one exciting little thing, I have some pictures to post of me and friends in Austin and San Antonio. Hope everyone likes those. Now for a little bit of whats been on my mind lately:

Its become painfully obvious how shallow people are and how much they'll lie to be liked. I wish I could just meet someone who didn't lie so that others like them. It seems like it should be something that is easy and all but its not, people strive to make sure that everyone likes them and they don't understand everyone can't like you. It just doesn't work that way.

At work its more obvious than anywhere else. This girl who's quitting, I can call her Beth; she's always trying to play herself up. She talks about the thing's she's doing not as if she's just talking about what she did, but as if she's saying "hey look what I can do." It's obnoxious. She goes on and on about managing this band and the other day she got really rude with me after I voiced and opinion on something which I don't find funny. She asked did I listen to a radio station here and town and I said not since they fired everyone and changed out the people.

Then she mentioned the morning show on there, which used to have real substance and talk about stuff related to music or just about different interesting things. She talked about how she loved the new show, which every time I hear it is just talking about sex in some form or another. I'm not that kind of person that has to hear about sex all of the time and I didn't make a comment about, I just said I didn't like it.

She flies off the handle asking me if I had ever hung out with him or talked with him (the radio announcer). I just replied that I wouldn't want to. She was pissed for the rest of the day...this is why I am so glad she's quitting.

STOP IT!

It's been a little while, I know, since I have written anything that wasn't just a preview for something else, but there's not much going on that I want to talk about. Life's not been at it's happiest and I don't really see much reason to talk about most of that here. One thing will say; I am really sick of campaign commercials. There's really something annoying about hearing them one million times in a single day, and its like the same four commercials. I can't wait until this dies down some, I guess this is just a hint of what we will be dealing with coming late October.

Birthday Blog

For those who don't know, this is a blog warning them, this week end is my birthday and I plan to be in the Austin /San Antonio area. I'll be twenty-two and I have some plans for what I want to do and most of it just involves seeing people. But on top of that, I just need to get away from Houston for a while. I think staying in this city for too long is poison.

That having been said, there are plenty of sanctioned activities and always some that are off limits. Activities that are off limits include anything:

Anything involving hookers or strippers

Anything involving heights

Anything involving horses

Anything the cops might hit me over the head or taze me for

Anything that alerts the FBI to my music downloading habits

That's pretty much my list...hope to see you all soon.

Not Another Valentines Day Blog

Fuck this holiday!

Don't worry, not this year. I actually have nothing to say about today or today's goings on. My job was pretty much like it usually would be, except with people passing out candy from time to time. But I wanted to come on here and tell all of you about my recent coloring fit, along with my plan to heighten my productivity. I plan to have a story done by the end of lent, for those of you who don't know, that is Easter.

I feel like this is a realistic goal, but I will still go back and edit after it is done. I don't feel like I was writing enough for the last part of the last year, there were many distractions and with me moving out next week, I think I will have much more free time to write than I have in the past. So look for things to be posted here from my newest story, as if anyone cared.

A few days ago I was bored so I watched Juno, I went in not knowing what to expect but I was pretty pleasantly surprised to say the least. I have been listening to some of the songs from the movie although they're probably not for everyone (I never was much of a Moldy Peaches fan before but I respect them) but it has a unique sound and the movie is really cute and heart warming. Not sure what they were really trying to get at, but from what I can tell its like a Knocked Up for kids. Not that the description I gave is something most people would want to hear.

Also in honor of the holiday but as usual, one day late, I am going to Austin for Valentines Day. It should be really fun, I cleaned my car out because I had the seats taken out to do some moving, but I will be putting them back in because it looks silly with out them really. I am hoping that getting out of town tomorrow and just being able to do something like this provides me with some much needed rest from the day to day grind.

Well for the first time in February here I am posting, and here I am signing out.

Metaphor

During one of the many talks that Prentiss and I have had we discussed a metaphor of sorts. Something that he actually posted on this blog over a year ago. Back then it rung true and it brought clarity and light to a situation that I was in. It painted things in a light that made it seem less like I was some kind of bad guy, because back then the girl in question did just that. I won't name her, because there's no point in speaking the name of someone that heartless. But there is merit in reposting what Prentiss said.

For one its a very neat saying and it should be in a book somewhere, a book about dating or something. I see so many guys going through this and I just know that if there were someone to tell them this they might understand what they need to do or at least not feel so alone.

So here it is:

A woman has a close male friend. This means that he is probably interested in her, which is why he hangs around so much. She sees him strictly as a friend. This always starts out with, you're a great guy, but I don't like you in that way. This is roughly the equivalent for the guy of going to a job interview and the company saying, You have a great resume, you have all the qualifications we are looking for, but we're not going to hire you. We will, however, use your resume as the basis for comparison for all other applicants. But, we're going to hire somebody who is far less qualified and is probably an alcoholic. And if he doesn't work out, we'll hire somebody else, but still not you. In fact, we will never hire you. But we will call you from time to time to complain about the person that we hired.

Cheetos

Here's to that special someone who makes sure to never wash or lick their hands until done with the cheetos, just so they have that chance to lick the excess cheese from the tip of their fingers.

Darkness

It's one thirty in the morning and I was hauling the trash out to the end of the drive way. If you have ever been here you have seen how long that could take. Well before I went out I noticed my dog barking but she is always doing that, so I ignored her. I go outside and then almost immediately when I get out there I have this super uneasy feeling. Not the same uneasy feeling I have almost constantly now (thank you LIFE), but this was something else. It felt sinister.

I don't think I have ever felt like that before, it reminded me of a dream that Brandon told me about. He said that there was something in the dream that just felt pure evil, like darkness being right there next to him. That's how it felt outside. It felt like the world outside was wrong, too quiet, the wind was gone and suddenly its very warm compared to what it was like earlier. The sky was too bright, yet the street and my yard seemed too dark. Every shadow seemed to extend further than it should have and the whole world seemed out of whack out there.

I had to put out three cans, it would usually take me fifteen minutes and I would listen to music while doing it and have a little fun with it. I didn't turn on my music tonight. I didn't think about anything else besides getting the job at hand done and getting my ass back in doors. Almost suddenly when I got back inside I felt right again. I don't know what that was I felt, I walk out into that yard every day on the way to work and I have never come across something like that.

And I hope I never do again.

Skin Deep?

Working retail has taught me something about costumer service. And its basically this, the better looking the person, the better they get treated, this is a general thing. Now this doesn't always apply, for instance, I work on the phones so its hard for me to judge how someone looks. But when it comes to people on the sales floor its pretty obvious.

Case in point there are a lot of times when I come back and look around and the guys in the back will be standing around, not selling anything, not even trying to help a costumer. Basically they won't try to help until prodded. Where as when a cute girl comes in suddenly they're employee of the month. A good example is when Lauren came into my store, she had more than four people trying to help her. Where as usually you have to work to get just one.

I think that in a way we're all guilty of this, when it comes to beautiful people in general. Pretty people get treated like there's something truly special with them, and there really isn't besides the fact they are pretty. Its funny to note, that pretty women will get put on such a pedestal that they think they're unattractive because guys won't talk to them. Now in the guy's head she's too pretty. In her head the lack of attention means she's ugly. Guys will seemingly avoid them sometimes and if they are trying to talk to them, its a very careful conversation.

I often wonder how many people notice that they are being treated differently solely based on looks?

Fear

Fear is a great thing, its one of those emotions that while it seems bad serves a good purpose. Last night I had a dream that confirmed for me a fear that I have had for a long time. I dreamt I lost someone, not to death or something like that, but just lost them as a friend. Someone I cared dearly about. It was bad how it happened, it was awkward and the dream seemed out of place but maybe it was there to show me something. I have had two dreams recently, both involving fear, different kinds of fear.

This last one was about me having a going away party, and some people were there, some of the people from work were there too, which was odd because they weren't the people from work I usually hang out with. Well there were different tables we were all sitting at, and over the course of time someone I really wanted to just see before I went where ever, got up and walked over to the other table and just didn't talk to me again. Instead of having fun I spent the whole night watching and hoping they would come back, it felt so odd.

The other dream was at the fault of Cloverfield which I discussed in the previous blog. I dreamt something was attack this city, not Houston or some other city I have ever seen (none of the landmarks made sense) but we were running from it. And I remember thinking to myself that I just need to make sure that "she" makes it. The person was right there with us, yet my concern was keeping her safe. And what got me was that I feel like this is how I would really act. I disregard my own safety all too often, not sure why I wouldn't do it again.

But I remember the fear I felt when I thought that some harm could befall this person and that feeling was probably the worst dread I have ever felt in a dream. Fear is what the basic Fight or Flight notion is based on. But when you fear for someone else the only logical choice is to fight. Now, the only real question is...

How the Hell do I apply this to a real world setting?

Cared?

Cloverfield was a pleasant surprise of a movie, the kind of thing you expect to be okay and it turns out being so much better. The movie was pretty impressively realistic, with good special effects, but not so good as to overshadow the real point of the movie. Now don't worry about spoilers, I'm not going to discuss the movie at all except to say something about the basic premise.

How far would you go to save someone who you cared about? That's the basic set up of the movie. You have these ordinary people, everyday twenty-somethings and they are thrust into this world of chaos, confusion and terror. There were times in the movie when my heart would almost stop in the movie just because I could imagine how it would feel to be in that situation, with people I care about.

Prentiss and I always joke about our plan for when Zombies attack, we never actually thought of giant monsters. But this raises still more questions, who would you save if this really happened? How far would you go to save someone that you loved, someone who you wanted to tell you loved?

One thing I will say, regardless of how much of a spoiler this might be to some of you more sensitive types. But the amount of courage displayed by all of these characters is admirable. It's the kind of thing that we need to see more of in the world around us. And the lesson here...is the kind of lesson we need to see more of in movies. So often we see movies where the bad guy is against an impossibly collected and cool hero, someone who we can't honestly identify because they're not like us.

This time, we see real people, in an unrealistic situation, go and risk their lives to save someone they care about. I won't tell you how it turns out. I won't even sprout off some of my favorite lines. What I will say is go see this movie and then tell someone you care about how you really feel.

A Wall

I'm at the end of my rope with this, it really doesn't do me any good to keep chasing after people who obviously don't want to be friends. For all my effort and pushing, the lack of friendship I get in return is just horrid. I feel like an idiot for trying this long, for entertaining the thoughts in my head so far.

What I honestly thought to be a good solid friendship wasn't the same to the person on the other end. People are fickle and will forget any thing thats right in front of them. You're only good it seems so long as you have a use and when that use has run out or isn't there, what reason does anyone have to keep you around? You used to be so kind to me, say such nice things. Everything is so forced now, so coarse.

I hate how you ignored my obvious friendly gestures and keep try to keep things as impersonal and sterile as possible. It makes me feel like I did something wrong, like I wasn't good enough. Which is a feeling I know all too well and I would spend days trying to just think of what to say to make it better. Did you mean to do all this, did you mean to make me feel as if the person I thought you were isn't really there at all? I'm wondering if what I am seeing now is the changed you or the real you.

Either way, I don't think I can have any part in it, I think I was ready to accept who ever you were that came back to me, except for when you're like this. Because really, all that seems to be happening is you're trying harder and harder to push me away. And its working.

Eulogy

Those of you who know me know that, writing or speaking, I am not often at a loss for words. Preparing this eulogy was not easy for me. This is indeed a sad day for all of us. My brother meant something different and special to each and every one of us. In loosing John we have lost a son, a father, a brother, a husband, an uncle and a friend. While sharing our grief with one another will help us ease our burdens, I think John would prefer we remember the good times.

John was a man with a schoolboy's heart, a novelist's eye and an artist's soul. He was the kind of person you could talk to about anything because he would never judge you. He lived his life by is own rules and made no apologies for it. You either GOT John or you didn't. He was fine either way. He could be immature at times but the truth is he never lost touch with his inner child.

He was my big brother. Being as close in age as we were John and I had many of the same close friends. We were two years apart in school and even shared some of the same teachers along the way. In at least two cases (Mrs. Washington in fifth grade and Mrs. Johnson in high school World History) John set a standard that I was told, in no uncertain terms, I could not measure up to. Those two ladies GOT John.

Our closeness might have created a fertile environment for sibling rivalry. But our Dad always told us we had to stick together through thick and thicker and we did. As a child I remember him as both a guardian angel and a co-conspirator. Depending on the day we could be the dynamic duo or Frank and Jessie James. We laughed, cried and sometimes fought together the way all brothers do. But even when we were at odds we always knew we had each other's back.

I followed him in the Army Reserve and we served for a time in the same unit. We were brothers-in-arms as well as brothers. John was proud of his service and regarded himself as a soldier all his life.

He brought that same devotion to his friendships. As those of you who were friends with John know, he was not Will Rogers. He met people he didn't like and he wasn't afraid to tell them. On the other hand if you were his friend then you were his friend until December 25, 2007. He was a very loyal friend. He always found time for his friends; they held a special place in his heart and he would go to the ends of the earth for them.

So many people have asked what they can do to help ease the pain of this loss. The answer is nothing. You see this isn't the first time I have lost someone who meant the world to me. So I know time will ease the pain but it won't go away. I will draw closer the brother I have left, my family and our friends many of whom were like family to both John and I for so many years. That won't take John's place in my heart but hopefully it will fill the space.

While nothing will erase our pain, I will ask you all for one thing on John's behalf. I know my brother left lots of things undone and there are other things he never had a chance to start. He was a young man living, like most of us, with the belief that he had plenty of time. My request to those of you asking what you can do to help is simply this: Do something you keep putting off. Go on that once in a lifetime vacation. Run the marathon. Learn to ski. Go dog sledding. Whatever it is take the time and do it. Do this in honor of John and for yourself.
Leave as little un-done as you can.

Finally, let's be thankful for all the special moments that my brother has left us and for the way that he touched each and every one of us and changed our lives. I hope that John will continue to live on in all our hearts and minds.

Obituary

John Aurthur Caynon Junior was born in Fort Pierce, Florida on February tenth, nineteen sixty-five. He was the firstborn of three children from the union of John and Margie Caynon.

he attended Andrew Carnegie Elementary and Edgar Allen Peo Elementary, HISD, schools in Houston, Strack Middle and Klien High, KISD schools in Spring, Texas. He also attended the University of Houston.

In school, John was a Boy Scout, ran track, played the violin, and was introduced to computers and the world of technology. He also studied woodworking and demonstrated a special talent for anything mechanical.

At age seventeen, he became a member of the Army Reserve, serving in the 4005th US Army Hospital Unit as a radiology technician. He was deployed in support of Operation Just Cause and Desert Storm. he received the following awards and decorations; Army Commendation Medal, National Defense Ribbon, Expert Rifleman, and Expert Grenadier.

John married Luz, Gabriella on October 31, 2001, and made his home in San Antonio, Texas. To this union, a son Jon was born in 2002.

Everyone who knew John knew that he was a nonconformist; his occupations did not reflect his talents. Hon was a gifted artist whose creative streak ranged from, drawing and painting to digital media. He was a gifted mechanic as well and he loved technology. The running joke among the family and friends was that there was nothing "high tech" John didn't want or believe he didn't needed.

On December 25, 2007 John died at the age of 42, from complications resulting from an automobile accident on May 19, 2007. He is survived by his wife Luz Caynon; Son Jon Caynon; father Dr. John Caynon and wife Dr. Josephine Session; brothers Justin and Jeffery Caynon; sister in law; Gail Caynon; sister, Rhonda Session Waldon; nieces and nephews, Jacob, Jessica, Jennifer, John and Joseph; and a host of aunts, uncles, cousins and friends. He also leaves special friends Anne Ortiz and Kristina Belcher.

He is preceded in death by his mother, Margie Virginia Caynon, and bother maternal and paternal grandparents.

After the funeral when we were just sitting around drinking and talking one of Johns friends Chuck said, "You know you're brother loved you alot and spoiled you rotten; if you're half the man your brother was, you'll make a great guy." He was pretty drunk but I don't think truer words were spoken that night. My brother is loved and will be missed, but he'll never be forgotten.

There Are No Christmas Miracles

I haven't really spoken about it to many people, those of you who don't know its probably because I just hate the look people give me when they respond. I hate the fact that this had to happen of all times, on Christmas day. I guess I should go back and explain myself. My brother, John Caynon Junior died at 11:40 on Christmas night. He died alone in a San Antonio nursing home while still in a coma. The call came just before midnight. I think even when the phone was ringing I knew it was trouble.

I think that my brother and I were close, because we had a lot of fun together, even when we argued or fought. He was one of the strongest people I know, he's been to Iraq, he's been shot (not while there) and he's been through alot. He was a hard worker and he really did care but he hated to show it. He liked to make people laugh and laugh and it showed when you really got to know him.

I think I needed some time to sort all of this out in my head. I think that at first the shock was so much that I just kept going at normal pace. I kept running through everything doing what I could, being the person I've been for a long time now. I was already upset with Christmas, I feel like this year has just been, well the worst year ever. Even when my mom died that year still didn't seem like anything else bad happened. But this year I have lost friends, lost a brother, right now I have a friend who might be dying in a hospital bed of cancer, things keep getting worse and worse and I am just trying to look for the light at the end of the tunnel.

I don't try to remain positive, that's not me, I don't work well when people are too hopeful and positive, I'm the kind of person God made to offset that. My oldest brother is gone and I'm so shocked...I still felt like he was here even when he was in the coma. My good friend Meina is in the hospital and her courage and positive attitude should be a reminder to us all what someone can do if they have the will.

But in the back of my mind, I think I know now that all the movies were wrong, miracles don't happen on Christmas. Christmas is just another day of the year...its nothing special to anyone up in Heaven or down in Hell just because we slapped a day on some calender. Real miracles happen everyday, you just have to look for them. Maybe the miracle was John getting to see Mom again, not sure really. But I guess I know he's at peace and he knows how much we all love him. In Meina's case, we can still hope for a miracle, she can still come home.

But I guess, as they say, that's all in God's hands.

I'm A Fake

Intro to "I'm a fake" by the Used

Small, simple, safe price.

Rise the wake and carry me with all of my regrets.

This is not a small cut that scabs, and dries, and flakes, and heals.

And I am not afraid to die;

I’m not afraid to bleed and fuck and fight,

I want the pain of payment.

What’s left, but a section of pygmy sized cuts.

Much like a slew of a thousand unwanted fucks.

Would you be my little cut?

Would you be my thousand fucks?

And make mark leaving space for the guilt to be liquid.

To fill and spill over and under my thoughts.

My sad, sorry, selfish cy out to the cutter.

I’m cutting trying to picture your black, broken heart.

Love is not like anything.

Especially a fucking knife.

Even If It Kills Me

I’ve got a lotta things to do tonight


I’m so sick of making lists


Of things I’ll never finish


I’ve lived here for the last 12 years


Since early 1995 all my shit has been in boxes


But if I had a little more time to kill


I’d settle every little stupid thing


Yeah you’d think that I would



But I’m too tired to go to sleep tonight


And I’m too weak to follow dreams tonight


For the first time in a long time I can say


That I want to try to get better and


Overcome each moment


In my own way



I wonder if I’ll ever lose my mind



I tried hard for awhile


But then I kind of gave up


Winter is killer when the sun goes down


I’m really not as stubborn as I seem


Said the knuckle to the concrete


But I’m too tired to go to sleep tonight



And I’m too weak to follow dreams tonight



For the first time in a long time I can say


That I want to try to get better and


Overcome each moment


In my own way



I’m not saying that I’m giving up


I’m just trying not to think


As much as I used to


Cause never is a lonely little messed up word


Maybe I’ll get it right some day


For the first time in a long time I can say


That I want to try


I feel helpless for the most part


But I’m learning to open my eyes


And the sad truth of the matter is


I’ll never get over it


But I’m gonna try


To get better and overcome each moment


In my own way




I sure want to get back on track


And I’ll do whatever it takes


Even if it kills me

PC

So this story starts out with this strange need for me to play Metal Gear Solid for the Game Cube, I found out the game stop near my house had it and when I went to pick it up they IDed me, whats more is the guy who worked there has known me for like, ten years. He even knew it was me coming to get it. Now more recently he's taken to looking like Grizzly Adams, but that's besides the point.

I ask him what's with the new policy and if they had some trouble out of kids buying games when they're underaged. For those who don't know, games much like music and movies have a rating system, the ratings are fuzzy at times because so many of them seem unnecessary. But the system has been in place since the early nineties and has to be on any game sold in the United States after then.

The game I brought was rated, M for Mature. When I asked the guy behind the counter he said that they had to check every ID and he went on to say that it was because since Hilary Clinton was running for office she was stepping up her campaign against the gaming industry. Not sure if any of you really thought about what I just said there. But take this to heart, if this is the case and you must ID for mature video games, that means video games are more dangerous than fucking cigarettes. That means they're more dangerous than alcohol, both of which kill countless people a year.

I mean how stupid does that sound? Or is it just me. The gaming industry has caught a lot of shit for being too unpoliced. More often than not its the parents who should catch shit for it. The government shouldn't have to tell a store what to sell me, a grown person. We're not talking about air port check points, this is a video game store. What's worse is I don't see it getting any better for anything. There's talk of making any movie with smoking rated R.

That would mean your kids couldn't pick up a copy of 101 Dalmatians because Davile, in the movie, smokes. Political Correctness is a virus that's infected this world and is drowning us.

Identification Verification

It seemed that as far as Dee was concerned a little exposure went a long way, she needed to stay out of the overly watchful eye of others. She had a certain knack for attracting the attention of people who she really didn’t want seeing her.

Tonight was a rainy, the overcast clouds seemed to dip down and scrap across the tops of the buildings even. On the roof of this hospital Dee could stand under the large decorative cover and be just out of the rain. The wind still passed under and whipped through her hair every once in a while.

The dark curls swayed and bounced and hit her in the face some of the time as she just stood and smoked her cigarette. The Angel of Death had little to worry about as far as lung cancer was concerned, but she still took some comfort in smoking, the smell more than the feeling it brought her.

She polished off a long thin cigarette to the point where the rain had pretty much ended its run and let it fly from the rooftop with a sigh. As she reached for the next one she felt her cell phone ring, she slipped the Bluetooth ear piece on under her hair and then answered, “Go ahead.”

The voice on the other end was chipper, a young girl with a British Accent, “Yeah I thought you said that they had good food in this city…”

“They do Madeleine,” Dee said softly, “You just have to know where to look.”

Madeleine’s voice on the other end of the phone seemed louder suddenly, “But it seems to all be Mexican,” she paused, “I don’t like Mexican.”

“Have you tried Soul Food?” Dee asked.

“What’s that?”

“For a person who doesn’t have to actually eat since they’re not even alive you’re picky as Hell,” Dee quipped.

“You’re picky about those damned cigarettes of yours and you don’t even have to breathe…” Madeleine retorted.

Dee nodded, “Alright, you win this one,” she fumbled for a cigarette now that she had been reminded, “But let’s just try and go out and get something together, I can be back there in a few minutes…”

“I’m starved, just bloody teleport here!” Madeleine said.

“I would but I’m not that far along yet.”

“How much of your power would you say has returned?” now she could hear Madeleine tapping on a table or something.

“I would have hoped it’d be about twenty five to forty percent,” Dee sighed, “But it feels more like about ten…”

“But considering your rank and the amount of power you have, you’re still going to be strong.”

Dee sighed again, “Its just that I miss some things…”

Madeleine laughed, “Don’t worry, you’ll be back soon enough,” she paused, “Think I’m going to watch something on the telly, hurry and get back.”

Dee smiled, “Alright, Maddy,” the phone clicked as she hung up and just as she was reaching for the ear piece there was a flash of lightening and then an impact. Something hit her hard in the middle knocking her into the air and through the large covered atrium of the hospital. Her body flipped and she lost the Bluetooth in the night.

Rain pelted her as she rolled through the air and instinctively she opened her huge white wings and brought herself into a dive to pick up speed before swooping back up. She searched around the skies for the culprit of the hit, she’d seen a form only briefly before being the impact.

Off in the distance she heard a strange voice, “You should have expected this, bitch!” the voice sounded almost like two voices at once.

Dee made back and flew straight for him, her arms out at her sides, “What kind of person just flies into someone like that?”

There was a bout of laugher, “Why I do of course!”

Dee slammed into him from the side and as she did she was met with force on her end. The two of them tumbled down through the rain rolling about in the air. As she took her punches at him her fists burned red hot with flames, one of the other descriptions she had as the Angel of Death was the Angel of Fire and Destruction. She could control most fire with just a thought, Pyrokenesis.

Her opponent didn’t seem phased from what she could see, he kept on swinging back, one of them landed square in her eye and she winced, they were hard hits for a regular Angel or Demon to be doing.

The two of them were nearing the ground and when Dee looked back the other creature kicked off of her knocking her down into the top of a small fast food joint, she landed back first laying there, her opponent landed standing over her, she could see now that it was the tall lanky man she’d come across earlier.

He smiled down at her as he put a hang around her neck, his coat was open and his chest was vacant of any other kind of covering. There was a large tattoo covering most of his chest, “This is disappointing,” he said, “The new Angel of Death…I hope you're better in bed than you fight, then maybe you could at least give me something to leave here with...”

Dee’s hand went down to the gun at her side, she kept it more often for confrontations with Humans but it would buy her some time here, “If you want me so bad come take me…” she opened fire hitting him in the face, neck and chest several times. He loosened up and she got her feet back and kicked him up off of her.

The lanky man flew back up into the sky, his wings were black she could tell now, judging by the tattoo and the wings she could tell who she was dealing with, “One of Satan’s Elite Guard? Hm you’re not my type anyway.”

He was writhing in pain, clawing at his wounds, “You insolent whore, what’ve you done to me?”

“The bullets are iron and have a hollow Holy Water tip,” Dee said, “They’d kill a bottom feeder demon, but for big shots like you I’d just expect there to be a little stinging.”

“Hm, it would seem you are prepared…” he said.

“Yeah and if you want to wait around I’ll have half of Heaven down here to kick the shit out of you for breaking the treaty…” she paused for a moment to remember the exact line, “Those in Satan’s Elite guard are strictly prohibited from attacking any member of the six Arch Angels…the war is over, and has been for some time now.”

“You know your treaty little girl,” he said.

“I’m the keeper of all contracts in Heaven and Hell.”

“And it would seem you live up to it, Death,” now the lanky man sighed, “But my attack was only to see if you were who you seemed to be, this isn’t a military action, no we’ve got our hands too full in Hell for that.”

“Hands full in Hell,” Dee repeated, “What’s going on?”

The lanky man folded his arms, his pain seemed to have subsided now, “There’s a new war brewing, and before long it might spread back to Heaven…rival factions in Hell.”

“Why hadn’t God notified us?” Dee asked.

The lanky man smiled, “He has his way of doing that from time to time.”

“And who might you be?” she asked.

“Asmodeus the Lustful,” he answered.

“Makes sense,” Dee started to pace around, “So do you have the proof you need?”

He nodded, “The proof is sufficient…”

She holstered her gun, “Then leave me be,” as she said this he just nodded and vanished in a flash of light. Dee hunched her back over and opened her wings shaking them dry as best she could before taking off again to fly off into the night.

Last Night

Last night things seemed to happen in so much of a slow motion. Usually she turned down the invitation to go to a party, I’m not sure what made things different this time but I doubt it matters. The whole thing was going down at a friend’s house on a cold autumn night.

I was frustrated when I met her there, I wasn’t sure what to expect from her. Things had been going down hill for a long time, the fall that never ends. Why was it so hard for us now? We’d been best friends for years and when we started to date for a while things suddenly took this turn.

She was dressed in a thin black dress with white polka dots, there was a little tie up ribbon around the waist. Her hair was down, as it always was. She had this thing about ponytails, she was just against them for some reason.

Her face was stretched to a forced smile, her front teeth showing, they were bigger than they should have been and it just gave her this cute sincere look. I should have known better than to take that as the truth, though.

The music was loud and I could barely hear it as she yells to me, “Glad you could make it Perry,” her green eyes shine up at me. Something in her voice made me nervous, even before the party was off in full swing I wanted to be out of the crowded house, I wanted to be home alone studying for the test next week. This party became a prison, the people barring me in. I’d climb the walls for oxygen.

“Thanks for calling me up,” I lean in to give her a kiss instinctively, she pulls back at first as if its instinct and but the mark still lands square on her cheek. As she nervously brushes the maroon hair down from her face she starts to bounce with the music. Now I yell to her, “You look so beautiful in that dress, just perfect tonight.”

A half hearted smile spreads across her lips, her lightly tanned face catches the dim light in a way that shows that one dimple she has that’s deeper than the other. “Why don’t we just dance?”

I take her hand and she leads me out to the dance floor, I’m looking her up and down and somehow I know what’s coming. I push the thought back and I bury it under everything I can inside of my head. Thoughts of school, the idea that I really can’t dance; anything at all to push those fucking feelings of regret down. Is it that I’m coming on too strong?

I’ll wait, but I’m too tired to play pretend, I’m too tired to climb this wall or claw for the air at the top of this tank anymore. I’ll suffocate until the end. We start to dance, as innocently as we can. More innocent than we would have danced as just friends. Best friends turned lovers…better off where they started.

I attempt to get closer to her, my fingers run down through her hair. Her expression changes now, her eyes flinch nervously. She looks up and down my body. Her mouth is open only part of the way. She’s working up something inside, and I want anything to take those words away at this point.

With a little step I go to kiss the side of her neck, she tilts her head up and as my lips meet her warm skin she places one hand on my waist. She whispers something in my ear, but the message is unclear. She steps back and motions outside. I trail her closely from behind as she tries hard not to cry. She shakes underneath the newly fallen pouring rain.

My voice is barely audible, “Ashley…” I go to touch her shoulder.

“I can’t compete with all your damn ideas,” her first words bite into my core, “This isn’t working out for you and me; and the truth is I’m too tired to play pretend. This is goodbye, this is the end.”

Funny Thing...

Funny thing about pictures, they can bring back memories you'd long since forgotten, or maybe you let them go because the memory itself it too painful.


I looked through some old pictures today, and I remembered part of the things that made me start to want something I probably should have known was out of the question.

The Spill Canvas

I had the notion that you'd make me change my ways
My bad habits would be gone in a matter of days
I had the feeling that you'd open up my eyes
To a whole new world that had since been in disguise

But that day will most likely never come for me
And it's just my luck to end up getting stuck
To everything you are

So tonight I'll sit and pick apart your pictures
And overanalyze your words
But the truth is that I've never fallen so hard
It's taking everything in me
Just to forget your sweater so far

I had the notion that you'd make me forget the world
But your undecisive mind shows me that
You are "just another girl"
I had the feeling that those looks you gave me were real
What if I ripped your heart apart at the seams
Maybe then you'd know how I feel

But that day will most likely never come for me
And it's just my luck to end up getting stuck
To everything you are

So tonight I'll sit and pick apart your pictures
And overanalyze your words
But the truth is that I've never fallen so hard
It's taking everything in me
Just to forget your sweater so far

I can honestly say
That I never, ever, ever felt this way
Your lips, your eyelashes, your skin
These are the parts of your body
That cause my comatose to begin

I can honestly say
That I never, ever, ever felt this way
Your lips, your eyelashes, your skin
These are the parts of your body
That cause my comatose to begin

I will sleep another day
I don't really need to anyway
What's the point when my dreams are infected
With words you used to say
I will breathe in a moment
As long as I keep my distance
I wouldn't want to go messing anything up

So don't go worrying about me
It's not like I think about you constantly
So maybe I do, but that shouldn't affect
Your life anymore
I knew it the moment you walked into the door

So don't go worrying about me
It's not like I think about this constantly
So maybe I do, but that shouldn't affect
Your life anymore
I knew it the moment you walked into the door

I'll let you get the best of me
Because there's nothing else that I do well
I'll let you get the best of me
Because there's nothing else that I do well
I'll be the giver and you'll be the taker
I guess that's how this one's gonna go I'll be the giver and you'll be the taker
You've got me down on my knees and I proclaim
All hail the heartbreaker

Irony and Insanity

They say that irony is the lynch pin of comedy, but I don't see anything to laugh at. They say that insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results, I don't think I've reached the point yet. But I can feel that I am close to insanity. How I wish so badly I was wrong. That I was a man who I could say believed that men and women could be friends without it going any further than that or getting ruined.

Sometimes I want to think that girls are so gullible and yet so unwilling to try the one thing that might actually work for once. They're not even willing to take a chance on the people who tell them the truth, the guys that would never hurt them. Maybe the irony here is the masochistic way in which we all behave. The way I have behaved, I stupidly let girls walk into my life only knowing that there is too often the potential there for me to get walked on and over.

And I know full well I am capable of shutting people out, it comes with being artistic and the like. But I never have the heart to do it. And that's the true root of the insanity and irony in this little situation. Killing off a kind nature is so much harder than just being nice after being mean for a long time.

They don't understand what they're doing, they don't know it some of the time and yes we all have our own problems. It drives you insane. But it gets to the point where you want so badly to show them that you never want them in your life again and somehow at the same time, you know the real irony is, you'd want nothing more than to have them there forever.

Vienna

My body is weary, weary enough for me to make mention of it. But my heart, my heart is in shreds. Mostly because I can't seem to let go of someone that I can't have. Someone who has been good to me but someone who is so far from me in every since of the word that its best I leave her to her own happiness and pursue other goals. I want to be a great writer. I want to have a family.

I don't want to be the guy who spends his life chasing the one that got away. Of course then there is the mentality that says never to give up. What do I say to that? Do I give up on something prematurely and just let this be me raising that white flag from the top of my ship. I've done nothing but pine over this, I've thought and schemed. Plans that took me in every direction and that even made me think that it might be possible.

Or maybe this is the hard part of Love, the part where you Love someone so much you let them do what makes them happy and stand by them, but never in their way. There must be a fine fucking line between standing in their way and being the right one for someone. There's always the possibility. I don't believe in destiny, but I do believe that things happen for a reason. Maybe they don't have to happen, but they do for a reason, if that line of reason makes sense. Maybe it only does to me.

But to you out there, you might know who you are...you might not. But I have to wish you luck in being happy. If someone else is who makes you happy...then my Love for you dictates that I have to let you be happy. It's the only right thing to do. It might hurt a while, but seeing you smile is worth that much. I mean that's what Love is about, right?

Circus Seal

Kind of pissed, I had this long thing written about my job and about how I like it except for a few things. It went on to say that I was kind of weirded out by how guys think that its a bonding ritual to talk about how bad they want to have sex with girls they see. But whatever, it doesn't matter.

I'm miserable and its not due to work or anything to do with the people there. For the most part I plan to keep them kind of separate from most of my other stuff in life. But it doesn't really make much of a difference. Right now I feel like people that I cared a lot about don't care about me, if they ever did they don't anymore. They pretend to it seems...maybe to help me keep things together but I really think that deep down inside I have known for a long time. Why must we deny things that are so obviously true?

Why do I want to hold on to something it seems I never had. I wonder how many times I can bite my tongue and keep from saying, "I told you so." I've bitten it till it bleeds it seems now and at this point if I wanted to talk I don't think I'd be able to. I confirmed that I'm pretty sure these people are using me...why do I keep jumping through hoops to let them do so?

Oh great...facebook is wigging out now...just great

Janus

Looks like by not writing anything here for so long I've kept too many things bottled up and I don't even know where to begin. I can say that my old job is gone away. It's a thing of the past and I don't even need to think about it anymore. No one I talk to works there, nothing I care about is there and its better that I lost it and found a good job with the kind of things that will allow me to make more over time.

For me, Thanksgiving has always been one of those times of the year when I was dreading what was coming. Its like the worse part of the year for me and I am so glad that its gone now. The worse is behind me I guess. But more over I feel like some of my friends are slipping away, I mean I'll always have Prentiss and friends like that, they've been there too long and its like having more family. But other friends seem so distant and reluctant to want to talk.

Its like I wonder if I did something wrong or didn't do something. Or if I did something wrong by fighting so hard just to keep friends. That having been said the Holidays feel especially lonely this year. Its not getting any better and when I think that I am going to be able to just overlook that I might actually do it for a short time. But I'm not fine with things as I would like to think I am. And I hate it more than anything else when ever people act like I should be happy just because of ______.

Whatever blank that might be some people seem to think everyone has it better than them, and while some might have it better than others. It's not the case with everyone being over you. And while I really try to make the best of things and keep the things out that are said around me, there's like this constant power struggle inside of me between being who I've been for years and the jerk that I see a lot of other people become when they get discouraged.

When ever I look at the options the jerk seems more and more beneficial and I don't know what part of me holds me back, but it just does. More and more I've started to bite back at people instead of just getting walked on all of the time. But it seems that the options are be the way I am and get walked on more or be the way I've been trying not to be but keep people from walking on you.

People seem trained to use others, and when they do it they don't even seem to notice it. Maybe they don't want to, they might think that it was part of that other person's duty to help them get out of whatever rut they were in. Like some character in a book or movie that's only there to serve the purpose of furthering the plot. That's how I feel, like I'm just used to help someone get back on their feet before they run off and go do what they really wanted. Friends that I've had, girls that I've liked, they've treated me like this. And from time to time they'll come back but its only for the same reason.

In my mind I want to be mad, but I'm not sure what should make me madder, the part where they do it again or the part where I let them. In the end it just ends up being pathetic.

Self Fulfilling

I'm really just coming out of the deep sleep that was induced by the nineteen hour work day I pulled yesterday. I really love my new job, the people are bad ass. The company is a great company, but nearly twenty hours of work is well...nearly twenty hours of work. Any job could make this hard. Now its pouring rain out, so cold that the wind seems to bite at you right through the walls. This is the kind of weather I pray for and on a day like this I want nothing more than to curl up with my laptop and write the day away.

But right now, right now I know that things for me haven't gotten better. Does anyone else know how it feels to think that everyone is lying to you? To feel like your own friends don't want you around, ever? Its the kind of feeling that hollows you out from the inside. And at this time last year things were actually going alright, one of the few times around then that they were. I almost miss how things were going.

At least back then, I had this illusion in my head, or maybe it was delusion, that things would pick up. I believe in people so much more. I thought to much more of everyone and I knew that in the end me being nice to someone was all it took, they'd eventually come around. I'm so certain now that I'm wrong about all of that, but I want that delusion back.

There really are some cases where ignorance is bliss and you wonder why anyone would give it up for the truth. I think this is one of those. All it takes is one person to come along and plant an idea in your head, like Iago did Othello and you're fucked. You've got it in their bouncing around and the more you start to entertain it, its like the more it becomes self fulfilling. But I guess I can't hope to get that back. I can't unlearn what I learned and I most definitely can't ignore it. No matter how much I wish I could.

Angel

I had manage to get my arm down into the wall as deep as the shoulder but I still couldn’t reach the artifact. My cheek was pushed flush against the wall. I was breathing heavily from exhaustion and dripping with sweat. Something I did coming in must have knocked the security system offline or something. I really wasn’t an electrical expert or anything like that.

With a sigh I reached up and brushed the locks of hair away from my eye, I tried again to push my arm further. Forcing my shoulder deeper into the hole, but I really couldn’t move any further.

I cursed under my breath, “Dammit.”

I tried again at the wall, this time looking around at the room to make sure that no one was coming. I had been here longer than I’d expected and the longer I stayed the more I risked exposure. Of course, when you’re thief you don’t expect to come such a long way through high tech security systems only to get stopped up because a safe just happens to be further back in the wall than your arm can go.

Overhead there was a loud clanging, thinking that someone might be coming I retracted my arm from the hole just a bit. But as the air conditioning came to life in the ceiling I realized what I had heard and continued at what I was doing.

The room I was in was at the center of a large office building. The middle room of the middle floor of a sixty story building. Normally being thirty stories off of the ground would make the escape that much harder for the thief, but not for me. The room itself was pretty vacant. The walls were a stainless steel metal, as were the floors and ceiling. The room seemed to be as sterile as an operating room.

In the middle of the whole thing were three long metal tables, but nothing was on them. Besides the safe, I really couldn’t be sure what this room was for. One good thing was the fact that there was only one way in and one way out and if someone were going to come in to get me, they’d have to do it through that door.

I yanked my arm free of the hole and turned back to the table that was at my back, my gun was right there laying flat on the table. With a dull smirk I whipped my gun up into my hand, “I really should have some tools for this kind of thing…”

Now with my gun in hand, I stuck my arm back into the safe, trying to see if I could use the gun to pull the object closer to me. I let out a few short grunts, moving and pushing my shoulder harder into the wall.

I huffed, “Oh come on…”

Suddenly something slammed into the door of the room, “Who’s that in there?”

“Shit,” I glanced around for somewhere to hide. In a room like this there was no where.

I clenched my gun tight, “Alright, I guess there’s only one way to do this.” With my gun in hand, I yanked my arm free of the hole and stepped out away from the wall. There came a second slam at the door, this one louder than the first.

My hand went out towards the hole and I concentrated really hard, I bit down lightly on my lip and closed my jade eyes tight. I could feel my mind wrapping around the object. I could feel its shape in my head. I knew to do this too long or too hard could be damaging. Cautiously I pushed on, I could feel my grasp tighten around the object now, its rough surface texture was now so apparent in my mind.

And then I ripped it free of the hole where it was bound, the object flipped from the safe and back into my hand. I grasped it for real now. I hated to have to depend on these “abilities” that I had. I saw them more of a hindrance…a reminder of my former self than anything else.

“We’re coming in,” the man at the door was muffled by the thick steel, but I could hear his voice clear enough.

I glanced down at the artifact, it was about the size of my hand and rough. Just by looking at it I could tell I would have no idea what the damn thing was, and I didn’t care as long as I got my money. I slipped the thing into my pocket.

The door to the room flew open and in an instant I dropped to one knee with my Beretta outstretched. I fired the first shot into the forehead of the first face through the door. His head snapped back with the force of the bullet and his blood sprayed out behind him. The second two bullets were into the chest of the guy right behind him. They fell almost at the same time.

I didn’t have time to get my next bullet off before the third man fired back at me. I dove over to the side landing with my chest down and then scrambled up for cover behind the table. I kept low and as I turned around the side of the table, I could hear him making his way around the other side of the table.

Instinctively I stood and jumped over the table catching him on the side and knocking him off balance. He fell back against the table in the middle of the room with a thunderous thud. I grabbed him by the side of the head and with a pop of electricity from my fingers I saw his eyes go bloodshot. It didn’t take that much heat to boil someone’s blood inside of their body.

This electric touch, another one of my little “gifts”.

Quickly I got against the wall next to the door and checked down the hallway, no one was coming from what I could see and they probably hadn’t expected to need more than one security officer for anything that happened.

If all had gone well I planned on making my way out of the building through the front. But with the way that things were looking now I had better play it safe. “Well this is where you excel, right Angel?” I muttered to myself?

The lingering smell of gunpowder in the air was still fresh. The room was calm again and the only sound was me breathing and the quiet hum of the A/C unit above. I moved back out into the hallway with my gun pressed tightly down into my lap. The security lights that ran over night in the building painted the hall a pale blue color, the color that full moon casts down on things.

I navigated the curves of the hallways trying to make sure that I went to the right side, there was no need to rush right out into the middle of the street, even if it was late at night. I needed to find a more secluded place to make my escape.

When I turned the next corner I could see at the end of the hall that the room opened up. This room too was bathed in the same bluish light and luckily for me there was a large plate glass window facing out to a street.

I sighed, “Thank…yeah…” I made my way over to the window, running between rows of cubicles that had just hours ago had workers in them. The smell of fresh printer toner was still lingering in the air.

I hit the window with my hands and glanced down at the ground from my perch. Of course it was a long way down. Humanly impossible for me to make the jump without some sort of aid…at least that would have been the case if I was a Human.

With my fist drawn back as far as it would go I punched into the glass shattering a huge section of it. The cascade of glass rained down onto the street below and clattered around my feet too.

I started back by the cubicles, building up a running star and dashing towards the shattered window. They stormed into the room as I dove free off the window. The air ripped past me, I hadn’t planned this well. I really hadn’t planned this part at all. I felt the air through my hair, strands of blonde whipped at my face.

No part of my outfit could be used for creating drag and I wouldn’t die, not even from this fall. But if I couldn’t get myself turned right side up it would hurt…like Hell.

From somewhere above, over the howl of the cold wind I could hear their desperate gunshots. I tucked my body into a ball and tried to roll so that my feet were down. I didn’t want to give myself away. It seemed like I might have to.

Time seemed elongated. As I neared the ground I decided to use that gift of mine again. I let a magnetic field erupt around me. There was a parked car right where I would land. I could only pray no one was inside.

With a thud I slammed into the top of the car, the alarm blared and the roof was compacted down into the cab. Glass exploded out around the car and the screech of the car’s anti theft device seemed to grow weaker.

My boots slid slightly and I went ahead and jumped off the top of the car. I checked my pouch I wore for the artifact. “Pay dirt.”

I gave a quick glance around to see if anyone was there to notice me. The coast was clear. I darted off down a dark alley and made my way back to my car, I’d parked it a few blocks off for safety reasons.

As I go I speak to myself, “Angel, you’ve done it again.”

Faulty

I listened to his voice, he was a man who sounded to be in his mid thirties but looked at least ten years older. His eyes encased in dark circles and he leaned forward over the table with a cigarette clenched between his index and middle fingers. His voice rasped a little as he rocked toward the table some, “Back then I didn’t know anything but drugs,” he continued telling his tale to the woman who sat across the table from him., “I lived for the drugs and used drugs to feel alive.”

My fingers went around the top of my cup, the smell of the sweet coffee wafting out filled my nose and I sighed. I glanced down in the cup and I could make out my own reflection. My dark curls bunched up around my head, in the surface of the liquid my eyes appeared to be little more than dark holes.

I take my final sip from the glass and glance over at the man sitting in the corner booth, his back is to a window. He’s sat back some now. The waitress hovering over me with my ticket in hand grabs my attention, “Would you like this now, sweetheart?”

I nod to her, “Sat it down,” my arm goes down to the ash tray and I retrieve my cigarette. With a long slow drag I flare the ember on the business end and then flick the remains down in my coffee.

“I know what you mean,” the woman across from the table with the man was talking now, “I’ve been clean and sober six months and it still feels…it’s still like something is missing.”

Just lifting the glass slightly, I slid my ticket and my money under the still half full mug and get to my feet.

“Then maybe there is,” the man answered her as he took a drag on his own cigarette. “Who are they to tell us that we’re not right…its not our fault that we were manufactured with these…Faulty Souls…that some God saw fit to make it where we need someone else to feel right…we can’t all find someone else, its not just that easy. And when no one is there, we need something to hold us over.”

I smiled slightly, “I thought so,” I mutter under my breath.

“I don’t know…” the woman said.

“Maybe drugs are the answer,” he said now, “Maybe all that shit they’re pumping into our heads down there only works for some of the people out there, what about people like us…”

My fingers fumbled down the buttons of my coat, they were large metal buttons and I had always had a hard time getting out of them, when I reached the last one I dug into my coat, “People like you, you say?” Both of them looked up at me.

“Lady, do you know how rude that is?” asked the man.

“Where are my manners,” I said, “I might care if you actually were a person…”

“What’s that…”

“Demonic scum,” my fingers curled around something cold and metallic. The look of shock on his face was priceless. When I leveled my gun at him and fired the gun through his face, his blood painted the wall and that look was suspended there. The glass window nearby was shattered and in the panic the woman cried out going to hide under the table.

I scoffed, the smoke in the room now wasn’t the kind from a cigarette or match. The dimly lit diner was filled with the sounds of glasses rattling and confused screams of panic. Demons masquerading as humans, preying on the weak. Wolves in sheep’s clothing.

I made my escape in the blink of an eye. A tuft of black feathers left in my wake. In this kind of justice there’s no jury, no witnesses, no one is all that sure what they’ve seen. I took orders straight from God for so long that to me, there’s no reason to be discrete or to show discrimination between demons, whether it’s a low level trying to con a woman into carnal or chemical pleasures, or something far more sinister.

The truth of the matter was something was stirring, deep within the Earth. Something so horrid that it had the demons heading for higher ground, every now and then they’d attempt to blend in and act right. What could cause them to seek shelter so vigorously?

I didn’t know, but as I watched the commotion inside of the diner from the next parking lot over, I was sure I would find out.

Untitled Piece

She said, “October never got this cold before I moved back here, but I’m not complaining.”

The thin wire frame sign twists and bends in the cold wind. All of the grass under me where I lay feels so cold against my back that I could swear the ground was wet. The sun is blotted out from the sky by a low hanging sheet of clouds. And I just have to lay here and ask myself, “How often do I get to do this?”

After living in Chicago for a while, it never got cold enough for her to consider it Winter or even Autumn. Her thin livid arms are stretched out and up behind her head, she turns to look at me and some of her red hair drops over her eyes, “Did you say something?”

“It was nothing,” I let the words slip out as I continued to stare up at the clouded sky.

This was the epitome of the lazy Saturday, this was the kind of day that I lived for, even on the rare occasion that they happened. I felt her head ram hard into my chest. When I glanced down I could see that she had jumped against me, her arms were wrapped around me and her face gazing up at mine.

“No kids, no work; I really think that I could stay out here like this all day,” her voice was quiet with excitement, the way intimate secrets were told. It was the way her voice always got when she was giddy. That was something that should have been comforting, right?

I wrapped my arm around her back and let my hand rest on her stomach, “With things the way they’ve been around here recently its good to have a rest.”

“Well I know that work’s been getting to you,” her green eyes were half closed now and her lips stayed parted when she finished speaking. She reached up and pushed her hair back some, “Work’s been hard on all of us.”

Hard was an understatement. Including myself, several of our group had been injured in the past few months, one of them nearly died and on top of all of this we have very good reason to believe that we’re being spied on by someone in our group. Basically everything that we knew has changed or be rearranged in some way or another.

Life set us on this track and then halfway through went and pulled the track up and left us to wonder aimlessly with out direction. I’m not sure what options we have when that happens except for trust our instincts and hope for the best.

“At least we’re all still alive,” I said.

She slid her body further up mine, our faces coming closer together, “It’s like every time we talk you get hung up on this,” she paused, “Isn’t there anything else you’d care to think about…anything at all,” her voice took that same tone again.

I smoothed her hair back with my hand and then ran my fingers down through it, “I don’t mean to do that at all…”

“I know, its just…we’ve got some time to rest finally and…”

“I know, sorry…” my voice is dry, dry like the rough brown pine needles we cleared from the yard earlier that day.

“…and you act like things are so serious,” she said. Suddenly she smiled real big, “It’s not the end of the world, you know?”

Sixteen years of marriage and its hard to believe, this woman still smiles at me this way. She smiles at me despite the things I’ve done, despite everything that’s happened. Sometimes I wonder if she’s blocked it all out. Sometimes I think if she only knew. I’m a monster.

My free hand fumbles through my pocket, I produce my lighter and a pack of Lucky Strikes. I struggle to get the pack open with one hand and pull one single cigarette free of the flip top box. Her eyes scold me, but she doesn’t say a word.

I slip the thin white clothed strip of tobacco into my mouth and go to light it, “The end of the world,” I repeat, “Sometimes I think it is…”

I'm a Girl?

After working in a game store for the last few months I have had a chance to observe a few things. More recently, like this week I have had a complaint from a few people of the same nature. Basically several people came in and made the same complaint about different games. The complaint didn't have anything to do with gameplay, graphics or anything like that. Frankly it kind of surprised me that they had this complaint. What was it?

The complaint was that they were a girl in the game they were playing.

In one case there was an option to change the character to a male or female. But in the other the girl was the main protagonist and you didn't have the option. The last time that I heard someone mention it was today. The game was portal and the person saw their reflection in the portal and asked "Is that what you the person looks like?"

I answered, "Yeah."

"I'm a girl, I don't want to be a girl, I'm a guy."

The thing I don't get is the guy went on to make this an even bigger deal and I just had to think, do you realize how long it was before there were that many girls in games as playable characters? The market for that kind of thing is pretty male oriented and even worse when there are women in games they traditionally look like Laura Croft. What's the matter with playing a female protagonist? I mean I don't see any issue with it really. This guy acted like it was dehumanizing to have to be a girl for a few hours in a game.

I mean do these people think about the fact that any time a girl played she had to be a guy for years nearly...and that when they finally started to use girls they were almost always there to be this sexual object. Not that it actually is a huge deal, but it kind of pissed me off is all.

Al Gore?

Al Gore won the Noble Peace Prize...well there goes any honor that Institution could have hoped to have had.

I say we stage a protest, I'm going to start burning trash, emitting all the green house gases I can and just generally Polluting because that's what Al Gore wouldn't want, right?

Actually, if you can win a prestigious award by lying...I'm not sure what this world is coming to.

Friend Zone

I had a little bit of a talk the other day with someone about some things, namely dating friends. I've never understood why I see so many people talk about how they want to be friends first but it seems like there's almost never any chance for anyone to date their friend. Its like, by going there you're automatically pulled out of the dating pool. Yet at the same time here you are being told that you should go and be friends first.

From my standpoint, those guys that end up dating girls that they were "friends" with aren't the kind of friend that I would call a real honest friend. Its hard for me to explain, but have you ever looked at a girls friends and thought, "Yeah, he's just trying to get into her pants" about one of them? Well those are the kind of guys that usually end up getting the girl when they are quote, "friends". As mean as I am, I just can't trick another person, I have to be real friends with them, and that's my problem.

I know that talking about this isn't going to make the problem go away, I mean all kinds of problems get talked about and none of them are just gone because of it. I really don't ever see a change where socially its just well known that most of the time the type of person that someone says they want to date, isn't the type they actually date.

A lot of men don't care how smart a girl is. A lot of women don't seem to care if a guy really is nice to them. In some regard, both sexes suffer for their lack of truth with themselves. I've seen a guy try to convince himself that a girl was smart, just to justify being with her. Likewise, I have seen a girl trying to convince herself that this guy is being nice to her when it's clear he's not.

But there's hope. Some men out there (like me) can't stand a girl who is stupid when it comes to dating. What I mean is we all make some mistakes or goof up from time to time. But if you've almost drowned from standing in a shower, I don't want to talk to you. Actually intelligence in a girl is attractive and as I have said before, can make a decent looking girl seem a lot cuter. Plus, unlike beauty it doesn't fade.

There are also those girls out there who like guys that are nice to them and aren't looking for some kind of a "work in progress" bad boy. Unfortunately for most guys like me, most of those girls are taken...

...yeah it sucks.

Dancing With the Stars

Dancing with the Stars gargles my balls...

I mean where the Hell is the real star in that show?

I wish my mom would stop talking about it all of the time...

Teen Rapes Dog to Death and Molests Little Girls

Remember that guy I posted about who raped the road killed deer? Remember how people thought it couldn't get worse than that? Well get read for this:

SPARTANBURG, SOUTH CAROLINA - A Campobello teen is accused of raping one neighbor's dog and another neighbor's two little girls. Now the dog has died and charges against the teen have been upgraded.

After receiving word that the dog died possibly because of the rape. Fox Carolina called the Solicitor's office to see if now new charges would be filed against the teen. An hour later Solicitor Trey Gowdy called to say that the charges will be upgraded to the "most serious animal cruelty charges they have on the books."

The dog's owner Sylvia Jones says, "At first when it happened, I couldn't eat or sleep every morning I'm waking up thinking Princess is there but she's not.

Princess's little dog house is empty now. Sylvia Jones says she died of internal bleeding this past Sunday because of the rape. "The vet told me she had a little blood in her urine and that she was bleeding inside."

Sylvia says she and her husband would not have believed Cory Williamson raped Princess exactly two weeks to the day she died had they not seen it with their own eyes.

"When I got here we were laying on the deck looking at him and he had his pants down and he was doing sexual activity with the dog like a man would do to a woman."

The Jones family says Princess wouldn't eat or play anymore after the attack. "She (Princess) couldn't even sit down, her bottom was swollen sore."

Sylvia says she knows Princess was just a dog, but she wants people to know that Princess was also a part of her family. A family that now has been forever changed. "She looked so pitiful. It's sad, there was nothing I could do for her."

Neighbors worry that if Williamson is accused of raping a dog and molesting two girls in the same neighborhood, who knows what might happen next.

Neighbor Bill Johnson says, "As a community we shouldn't have to watch our kids every second they're playing. We want him out of this neighborhood."

The Solicitor's office says it wants to make sure Williamson is out of this neighborhood while he's awaiting trial on the molestation and dog rape charges so they are requesting that his bond be revoked. Williamson's bond hearing will be held next Friday.

Real

I'm a little upset, just because of the way I got chewed out in general, albeit by some people off the internet that I don't even know. The thing was this, someone made this thing where you post pictures of girls you think are pretty. The catch was they couldn't be like models and stuff like that, they just had to be regular girls. When it started out everyone post one or two pictures at a time.

Well I'm not going to post nude pictures of the girls, so all of mine were pretty much regularly dressed. I start getting yelled at because the girls I am posting aren't big breasted enough, or they're too skinny, too thick or whatever else. I put up with it for a while, but eventually I got tired of emails and stuff about it. So I just gave up and wrote this to them this morning:

Yeah I'm done with this thread in all honesty. If people are going to bitch about girls I've posted for being too whatever, and the thread is entitled "Real Girl Picture post" I don't have anything else to do with this. You guys don't seem to know what real girls look like. And in a way I have to agree with Carnage (another poster), that these big breasted, fake looking girls that everyone seems to be into, aren't what a girl looks like. Very few girls are blessed with looks that good and comments like "her nose is a little too long" show just how petty you all are being. A girl might have a little meat on her, especially if she's got a chest. If she doesn't have much of a chest then she's more than likely thinner.

It's not impossible to find someone who's thin with a chest. But its not common. Add to that gobs of makeup, what looks like some plastic surgery and other stuff and these girls everyone's going ape shit over aren't more than just someone's fixer up. I could take almost any girl who is kind of cute and with thousands of dollars of surgery or makeup make her look like that…thing is a girl doesn't have to be half naked to be hot, or super skinny, or big breasted.

I hope if any of you have daughters you sure as hell teach them that at least.

So that's it for me, I'm out.

I think that a lot of the time in today's society that this is the problem with the perception of other people. Each gender doesn't seem to know what regular people look like and they expect every guy they come across to look Brad Pitt and every woman like she's Jessica Simpson. I just got really pissed because I know those girls who get ignored for their little flaws. Some of them are great women and extremely beautiful and sweet. But the truth is they're not perfect enough.

Changes

This wee has been a very eventful one indeed.. A month ago I was having such a hard time. Actually a week ago things were not all that good. And then all of a sudden so much changed. On top of that things are there is still a lot for me to do and a lot on my mind right now. I am actually at work, just finishing up my shift and I don't think I have been this exhausted in sometime. It takes a special kind of tired to get like this. I can barely move and my whole body is cold.

I spent part of the night playing games with friends, the other part of the night I spent thinking about the story, about the comic I said I was going to do so long ago. I think that now I can make a conscious effort to do it and get on with it. I have had so much going on and I more than likely have a shit load of material to pick from. Let alone I have the story that I am writing and I am working hard to get all of my things in line to make the story more presentable in case I actually want to market it, which is the overall plan.

Bu right now, I am so tired, work has been hard on me tonight and I feel like I could sleep forever. I think I just might try. I still have fifteen minutes of work and I guess that I could try and do something in that time like finish cleaning up. But I just wanted to get something posted in this thing and let everyone know I am still using it and that I plan to keep using it just like I said.

Shameless Plug

Well this is more of a self plug than anything else. First and foremost I have to tell you that I have started an internet forum for writers. I am running it myself. I am overseeing it and I have complete control over it. That having been said, anyone is welcome to join. No part of it costs money and my hope is to grow as a writer and help others to grow.

The thing holding me back the most is that I will have to do leg work to get this thing off the ground. I need a little help honestly. More than anything I need people who know someone who wants to be a writer to simply tell them. It might seem like spamming or like this is rude. But I know there has to be other writers out there who want some forum where they can go and openly discuss things. We welcome all types of writing.

That having been said, I will move on to what I really wanted to say. I ended up watching Knocked Up the other night and I couldn't be more happy with the fact that I bought it. I had no idea I was going to like it so much. And what gets me the most about it is that it reminds me so much of me and my friends. The way they talked, the situations (besides the whole pregnancy thing, Super Bad's situation fit more). In my personal opinion the movies stay true to themselves, they get a message across in a way that you almost don't notice you're getting something. But when you leave you're really taking it with you.

I am just very glad that I watched these. And I hope that more people get to see them and can look past the vulgarity of it all, because underneath all of that is a real solid message. A message that's important because a lot of times in the world today, we don't get movies where people do the right thing. The right thing isn't popular.

Well I've got to go grab some food. The next little blog I do will more than likely be a story clip. See you then.

I Quit

I know that no one has really noticed it, but I haven't touched these things in a long time. I guess because I get tried of typing the same things every single time that I start to write in here. More likely than not I have written something, and I just don't post it because it all looks the same. Well lucky me, because today looks just like the last few months have. The cycle of self loathing and pretty much infinite sadness seems to be pretty much all I can muster these days.

It could be that this city doesn't feel like home to me anymore. Or it could be that I have been like this for a long time and my bad choices in friends, bad choices in people to trust and a lot of other bad choices are starting to catch up to me. It's only when I have time to sit and think, when I really have time to examine things that I realize how much I don't want to be most of the things that I am. And even more so, that I realize that I seem to have very little ability to change that.

Life gets hard, and sometimes I wish I could erase the last six years or so and just do them over again. I wish I could do things in high school different and start college different. I wish I knew back then what I know now. Mostly that you can't trust anyone, you can't because a lot of where I went wrong was trusting, was assuming people were friends. The people I know online have been more forthcoming with me than the people I meet in real life, that's just sad.

People telling me that I should go see a counselor should know I did that before, and I hated it. The lady couldn't be trusted because a lot of the things she said were uncaring. I don't want to be that uncaring. That might be the problem with the world, that no one cares and that a lot of psychological crap tells them that's alright because its how you're supposed to be.

It's a hard choice to make between being who you are, changing who you are, and lying about who you are to be who you want to be. Perhaps the last one is the easiest, but its also least rewarding. I think I have tried all three, and even lying is hard...but the thing is that none of them seemed to get results. Nothing has changed for me. And if this is how things will be, I honestly don't see a point in trying anymore. I'm just about ready to quit.

Stuck

It's a little after five AM and I am up sitting here at the house alone. I am just thinking about so many things that have happened over the past...I don't know how many months. Suffice to say I am trying to get these thoughts out of my head because most of them aren't good. And one in particular is of this girl that I miss terribly and just am afraid to admit it to her, or maybe I am afraid to admit to myself.

I can't get her out of my head, she's set up permanent shop there and I wish I could tell her how I feel, I know she doesn't feel the same way. No girl ever feels that way when it comes to me.

This is short because I have no idea what to say.

But I just want thoughts like this to go away...I want it all gone.

But, more than anything, I just wish I could hold her.