Self Fulfilling

I'm really just coming out of the deep sleep that was induced by the nineteen hour work day I pulled yesterday. I really love my new job, the people are bad ass. The company is a great company, but nearly twenty hours of work is well...nearly twenty hours of work. Any job could make this hard. Now its pouring rain out, so cold that the wind seems to bite at you right through the walls. This is the kind of weather I pray for and on a day like this I want nothing more than to curl up with my laptop and write the day away.

But right now, right now I know that things for me haven't gotten better. Does anyone else know how it feels to think that everyone is lying to you? To feel like your own friends don't want you around, ever? Its the kind of feeling that hollows you out from the inside. And at this time last year things were actually going alright, one of the few times around then that they were. I almost miss how things were going.

At least back then, I had this illusion in my head, or maybe it was delusion, that things would pick up. I believe in people so much more. I thought to much more of everyone and I knew that in the end me being nice to someone was all it took, they'd eventually come around. I'm so certain now that I'm wrong about all of that, but I want that delusion back.

There really are some cases where ignorance is bliss and you wonder why anyone would give it up for the truth. I think this is one of those. All it takes is one person to come along and plant an idea in your head, like Iago did Othello and you're fucked. You've got it in their bouncing around and the more you start to entertain it, its like the more it becomes self fulfilling. But I guess I can't hope to get that back. I can't unlearn what I learned and I most definitely can't ignore it. No matter how much I wish I could.