The winds of change are blowing, why? I don't know. Maybe its because I have something here that I didn't see before. Maybe its because I am finally starting to see things they way I should have all along. But there is something I promised I would do for someone. I wanted to go back to the begining of a story. And this, this is my story,this is why I'm a cynic, sometimes rude, sometimes compassionate and always looking to find something behind what's going on, looking for what there is to learn from the situation.
When I say a story, most people will think that a story has to have an ending. I don't think that this one does. I think that this one is on going and I am at the point where I can look back, this is the halfway point.
This story starts when I was younger, and this story may seem like its all about girls, but there's more to it if you look just beneath the surface. In junior high I got my first crush, well I thought she was cute before that, but it was then that I really wanted to do something. Her name was Amie, and as a matter of a fact, I owe her a dance to this very day. Back then I thought that being a man meant liking big breasts, getting old enough to drink and cut a fool and just being macho.
This was in sixth grade. I thought money was the most important thing, and that you could do whatever you wanted to women and if they got mad, fuck em, and if they got pregnant then abort it. My how I have changed huh? I wanted to be one of the guys and they never let me, I wanted to have the hottest girlfriend with the biggest breast and I didn't look at personality at all.
Seventh grade came, and I had English class right next to Amie. I had been more than rejected by most of the cool guys who did the things I wanted to do like make out with girls and other stuff that I only whispered to my friends in the bus seat on the way home.
And sitting there, Amie accepted me, and not only that, she was nice to me. And she had a personality that was winning and sweet and I just couldn't believe it. I had spent that first year of school thinking of her like a lifeless doll to do what you wanted with, I had thought of her as most men on myspace think of the girls they add for looks. I had seen this shell of a person, I didn't look at the soul within.
Well that was the first thing that happened that made me hate how I had been, and I hated other men for being that way. It was odd, my friends like PJ and John weren't like that. They were sensible and I fit in with them, but in my mind I was evil, pure bad and terrible, there is no other way to describe it.
And when I changed I started to act different, I wanted to be better and to develop a personality that made me a better person. Amie and I kind of got to be friends and well when the next year rolled around I got a crush on another girl, Keena. I wanted to do any and everything for her and I cried over her even, it was the first time I cried over anyone besides myself. And I remember I told her I loved her as a friend too, it was the first time I had told anyone that, even in a friendly way. And even though I'll tell John and PJ that I love them like brothers now back in Junior High to say such things was considered gay and shunned. No one wanted to be called gay, that was the worst back then.
When I was forced to leave my friends and go to private school I had to say bye to Keena and my other friends and we all grew a part for a while. Some of them ended up engulfed in drugs, others took to new friends, relationships, and just their own thing.
Its hard to say this, but I miss those days in the last year of Junior High, life was so simple. No one ever wanted sex from girls, at most they'd just go down on them and vice versa, that was the extreme. Getting a kiss was satisfying for everyone! it was enough to hold hands, and she was your girl and you were hers. I wanted that so bad. I just wanted another person to confide in and to be around. Someone who wanted to be with me and only me and I saw it all around me. It hurt on the inside, it really did.
High school, I don't have much to say about it, the guys got worse and they did things like run sexual experiments on girls. I couldn't wait until more of them felt like me, until more guys respected and were nice to women, at least to their faces.
Last year, Freshmen year here I got royaly messed over, I got into something with a girl that never went anywhere and proved to be a waste of time. I caused myself more pain than I needed and I went after someone who was not what they appeared to be. A wolf in sheep's clothing they call it. It was my fault for not seeing the warning signs and blaming others, or just for not watching my step. We all say Never again will I fall for it. We all do it again.
Something was said to me today, College breeds oppurtunities for relationships
. This year has shown how many great and wonderful people you can just run into around here. Brandon, Landis, Kay, Nikki, Emily, Sarah, Heather, Eva, Tim, Neemo, Katherine, Greg, Tomei, and God there's just so many from this year! I hope I didn't forget anyone!
Life is just so much better now, I don't know what happened, I don't know what changed, but I just need to go home tomorrow, or later today, for those of you not privvy to the rule set up by PJ and I*, and tell my parents everything, tell them my plan, how I will make it and how I am ready and how I have something to stand on now. How people have taught me, I have my own two feet, Kay taught me that. I have me and that's enough and other people, I have them behind me, someone is backing me. And I'm going to do this, all of this. I know I told this story fast, its longer, there's more to it and if you ask me, maybe we can go to Starbucks and I can tell it to you someday. We can sit and talk about it and you can tell me yours too. I wrote this down so there's a record of it, I wrote this so whoever sees it can see. I wrote it so they can see how far I've come, and how far I have to go. I wrote it because I wanted Heather and the others to see, she asked for it, it's long I know. And I wrote it because a potential new friend (you know who you are) asked me to tell them and we didn't have time.
This is to show you, Don't try to live so wise, don't cry 'cause you're so right, don't dry with fakes or fears, 'cause you will hate yourself in the end...
*For those who don't know, the rule set fourth by PJ and I is that "If one stays up past midnight, it is not deemed the next day until one: a) falls asleep and wakes up or b)it is noon.
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