I Am Jack's Attention

It's been an eventful day and I really haven't left the dorm except for once. I don't know how to say all of it in this short little passage, but one thing I can tell you, this program restarted with out the ability to use word-wrap and this parargraph is gone fucking nuts.

Now that I fixed it, let me start by saying that my old roommate, Brandon is moving back home and I am going to be sad to see him go. I'm going to miss you bro. Now, I have been told that if I don't get a job very shortly I will have to move back home too, I am determined to get a job and keep myself here, I really don't want to go back home and I actually do think that. No one seems to listen to me on that, or anyhting else. I mean right now I take my meds, I try to wake up at a resonable time and I am trying my hardest to be in better shape. But for all of the things that I am doing my parents seem to want to make things that I have been doing for years seem like they are so detrimental to me going back to school.

What they don't seem to or want to understand is that if a person is saf then they're not going to want to do anything, whether they're being watched or not. Whenever I try to even talk to my dad about anything all he can repeat is Did you hear what I said? or Because I told you to. That's not an answer, that's shit you say when you don't have one, and I told him that on the phone one day.

So tomorrow I am going to try and go out and try and find something quick to get them off my back. But there are still other problems. I can't seem to get much alone time these days. And I know what everyone is going to say, You're depressed and you want to be alone? That's stupid! No its not, see I am a writer and part of the nature of the beast is the need to be alone and with your own thoughts. Like right now I am here writing this in a room with just my fan television and bed. No one is going to yell from the other room Dude, come check this out. And if there's a knock at my door I can ignore it.

During the semester there is always something going on, always a phone call or just anything to get you to leave that room so people will be pleased with you. I don't know if its the depression speaking, but I really don't like having everyone pleased with me. There are some real assholes out there and I know at times I do things that others do not agree with, I drink like twice a year and that pisses people off, but you know what, I have never been drunk, never had my drinking causes me to miss school or end up acting like an ass, so get off my back. It's not like I'm chugging a bottle of goldshlogger and driving a big rig with hookers going down on me...I drink like one smirnoff twice a year!

There's too many people to tell you what to do when it doesn't matter and not enough to give you advice when it does.

In my case people give advice and half of the time I look right at their even more fucked up lives and wonder how they can scoff at me. I mean the advice may still be good, but don't be a dick when you give it. I don't need your little attitude to go along with it. I really think that most of the time the only people I talk to that give good advice are Kay, Heather, Nikki and PJ, and I rarely even explore that last route.

Today I talked to an internet friend who will remain nameless about her bout with depression, let's just call her Sandra. Sandra told me that she did things to get attention and hoped that someone would notice, but no one really did. She said that if anyone had noticed it would have been like they cared enough to know her well. And now that I think about it I could just be wanting a relationship because I want someone to care enough about me to know when something is really going on with me, not just someone looking at me going Oh yeah, that's classic depression. Maybe that's what depression is about, attention, even if that sounds kind of vain I think we all need it sometimes.