I Am Jack's Hate

Tell her nothing if not this, all I want to do is kiss

I have been dancing around the true issue here, I have been running from what's been going on because I don't want to admit it to myself or anyone else. I never liked the way things seem to turn out for me, but I never acted as if I was having it harder than anyone else.

But now, what the fuck is it, what is going on? Why is it so hard for me to have anyone that I can count on, not all of the time, just some of the time. Why is it that when I think I have something going good or have someone I can at least be with I seem to fuck it up, or the person just walks away. I have been hiding from everything, I have buried my head in video games and drawing, I have turned back into a Junior High student, back to when I was crushing on Amie and she was only in my mind the one class I sat by her but the rest of the day I was out doing other things.

I would give something, anything to be with someone for just a while and have things go a way that could be considered good. And now I feel like I might lose my best friend, now my world is upside down, I don't want to be here anymore, I don't even want to love anymore. It feels better when you hate someone than when you love someone, when you hate you're angry, you're heart is hardened to what they do and all they can do is piss you off, you want them dead and gone and it bothers you that they are around. No matter what someone does, they will always die, and when they die, you get your wish. Hate will always be gratified in the end.

Love, on the other hand, love might get you nothing, or it might get you everything. Kay you are so lucky to have one that loves you the way Chris does, please don't fuck it up like I do to everything, don't press issues, if he lies to you to protect you and you believe some small imperfect-non-truth that he told you that keeps things going, please don't press him to tell you the dirty truth, it hurts too bad. It might make you rethink things.

When you love you want someone to last forever, that can never happen. And when you love you want to be around someone always, no matter what they are never far from your mind. I can't help but think that no one thinks of me, no one cares enough to wonder where I am or what's going on. And when someone dies that you love, you never forget them, I'm certain I'll be forgotten. All I have here are incomplete stories, shitty drawings, a dumb blog and the memory of annoying the hell out of a girl who I loved.

I have so many problems, when something breaks, is it worth fixing, maybe I should just go home, give this all up and try again later or just stop this all together. No one will worry and I really doubt that it would impact anyone at all. I feel so angry now, angry at everything. I want to just slip away to sleep, and I will soon, but more than anything I just wish this world were over, and things were done. I hate the way it is. I hate my life, my problems and my triumphs. I lost the last thing that I hoped for, I lost what I worked for and now I don't see anything coming my way worth me even trying for.

I fucking hate this place.