Wednesday, September 16, 2009

The Nine Levels of Emotional Hell

Every guy hates getting rejected but what's even worse than rejection are the girls that are too nice to just tell you no upfront, that they're not interested. These too nice to hurt you girls are actual the ones that will torture and drag you through all nine levels of hell and leave you as quivering desolate shell of a man.

The 1st level of hell is when they drag you along trying not to hurt your feelings all the while you're feeling ignored or that you’re bothering them.

The 2nd level of hell comes when you ask them about it, they deny it, make up excuses, pretend that everything's cool, all the while knowing in the back of their mind that they aren't attracted to you, and probably never will be. But alas they are just too nice to straight up tell you that, instead they slowly torture you with kindness. You're left insecure and confused not knowing how the read the signals. You ask her out on a date, she accepts. You pay for everything, you share laughs, exchange anecdotes, and like any polished gentleman you don't dare to even try to attempt to kiss her. Instead you simply hold doors, pull out chairs, walk her to her car and/or to her front door. Upon which you give her a hug and bid her goodnight.

The 3rd level of hell starts when you guys go out a few more times all on your dime, she's now laughing more often, getting more comfortable around you. She might even lean her head on your shoulder or accept your arm around her. So you're feeling like everything is going well, and you decide to dispel the ambiguity and tell her how you feel.

The 4th level of hell is when she replies, "look you're such a nice guy but I'm sorry I don't feel the same way, I just want to be friends". And of course it hurts but you carry on, you don't call her anymore often than you did before, except now she's not picking up the phone. She doesn't respond to your text messages and she's never online anymore. You might hear from her again or you might not.

The 5th level of hell is reserved for the the really nice girls you do eventually hear back from. Reluctantly she decides that she's too nice and doesn't want to hurt your feelings so she opts to do the more noble and human thing and continue torture you with kindness. Things will be awkward at 1st but within a few weeks everything will be back to normal.

Thus begins the 6th level of hell, the illusion that everything is okay. She will be closer to you than ever, perpetually leading you on, you may cuddle or even hold hands, but in her mind that's okay because it doesn't mean anything and she's already told you how she feels and expects you to respect that boundary even though she willingly keeps crossing that line.

Now the 7th level of hell comes comes when she starts telling you how wonderful you are, and how you're so sweet, and how any girl would be lucky to have you. And by any girl she literally means any girl, except her. Then eventually she dates some douche bag whom you can't stand, you express to her how you don't think he's the right type of guy for her. She firmly disagrees. She later then proceeds to f*ck his brains out and further more tells you about it. She had too much too drink and of course she calls you, you don't try and take advantage of her but instead do the proper gentlemanly thing get her home, safely in bed. You stay to take care of her, pulling her hair back as she pukes all night long, you help clean her face. And she ends up falling asleep curled up in your arms on the couch. You never really sleep more than an hr or so at a time. You stare at her sleeping in your arms, and you feel like a portion of heaven's grace has been bestowed unto your care. Your happier than you've been in very long time and all seems right with the world.

This euphoria is the 8th level of hell. Its bliss is preparing you for the unimaginable agonizing anguish you are about to experience. After all true hell would could not be as hellish if you weren't allow to taste heaven 1st. Two dicks, three douche bags, and one jerk latter she's still confiding in you. You try to explain to her that she is worth so much more than these losers she's been settling for and that she needs to date a man who will give her the respect and adoration she deserves. Then you explain how much you care about her, and how much she means to you. She shares equal sentiments with you about you.

The 9th and final level of hell comes when you tell her that you love her, that you’re in love with her and that you want to be with her, and she says, "I'm just not ready for a serious relationship right now". You lament and yet again carry on a broken and contrite man having just been spat out by the kindest demon you'll ever meet. Like Lucifer frozen in the lake your heart becomes cold the whole while knowing that you're probably exactly what she needs and you know she's exactly what you want. But you're both stuck in misery because she won't even give you a chance. She would rather have her heart repeatedly stomped by random strangers at a club or men she meets online. She would rather be another man's f*cking bag that your beloved princess. She's willing to constantly give all of herself to a mysterious stranger but won't allow you to care for all of her she's already given you.

You're role in her life can only be compared to that of a bomb defusal specialist by which you can see the threat months before it happens, but not matter how hard you try the bomb always goes off, you're never able to cut the right wire, or flip the right trigger to defuse the situation in time. So you become a forensic scientists picking up the shattered pieces of her tattered life, but before you can completely put it back together again, you've got another bomb to run off and try to defuse. She is not happy because she is not loved, and you are not happy because she won't even try being loved by you. The worst part about when a girl takes you through all 9 levels of emotional hell is you tend to repeat this cycle because you are so utterly broken you are damned to relive the same scenario again and again and again. Until you either find a girl who loves you, or you become the ultimate jerk. I stand by my claim that truly perfect assholes are not born, they are made. The most epic jerks are the ones that were turned from nice guys having been through the 9 levels of emotional hell one too many times.

I don't think that emotional hell is limited to just men, I do believe that woman have their own stages of emotional hell as well. I also think that the biggest bitches are made and not born. I would love a female perspective on what the 9 stages of emotional hell are for women.

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