Cheetos

Here's to that special someone who makes sure to never wash or lick their hands until done with the cheetos, just so they have that chance to lick the excess cheese from the tip of their fingers.

Darkness

It's one thirty in the morning and I was hauling the trash out to the end of the drive way. If you have ever been here you have seen how long that could take. Well before I went out I noticed my dog barking but she is always doing that, so I ignored her. I go outside and then almost immediately when I get out there I have this super uneasy feeling. Not the same uneasy feeling I have almost constantly now (thank you LIFE), but this was something else. It felt sinister.

I don't think I have ever felt like that before, it reminded me of a dream that Brandon told me about. He said that there was something in the dream that just felt pure evil, like darkness being right there next to him. That's how it felt outside. It felt like the world outside was wrong, too quiet, the wind was gone and suddenly its very warm compared to what it was like earlier. The sky was too bright, yet the street and my yard seemed too dark. Every shadow seemed to extend further than it should have and the whole world seemed out of whack out there.

I had to put out three cans, it would usually take me fifteen minutes and I would listen to music while doing it and have a little fun with it. I didn't turn on my music tonight. I didn't think about anything else besides getting the job at hand done and getting my ass back in doors. Almost suddenly when I got back inside I felt right again. I don't know what that was I felt, I walk out into that yard every day on the way to work and I have never come across something like that.

And I hope I never do again.

Skin Deep?

Working retail has taught me something about costumer service. And its basically this, the better looking the person, the better they get treated, this is a general thing. Now this doesn't always apply, for instance, I work on the phones so its hard for me to judge how someone looks. But when it comes to people on the sales floor its pretty obvious.

Case in point there are a lot of times when I come back and look around and the guys in the back will be standing around, not selling anything, not even trying to help a costumer. Basically they won't try to help until prodded. Where as when a cute girl comes in suddenly they're employee of the month. A good example is when Lauren came into my store, she had more than four people trying to help her. Where as usually you have to work to get just one.

I think that in a way we're all guilty of this, when it comes to beautiful people in general. Pretty people get treated like there's something truly special with them, and there really isn't besides the fact they are pretty. Its funny to note, that pretty women will get put on such a pedestal that they think they're unattractive because guys won't talk to them. Now in the guy's head she's too pretty. In her head the lack of attention means she's ugly. Guys will seemingly avoid them sometimes and if they are trying to talk to them, its a very careful conversation.

I often wonder how many people notice that they are being treated differently solely based on looks?

Fear

Fear is a great thing, its one of those emotions that while it seems bad serves a good purpose. Last night I had a dream that confirmed for me a fear that I have had for a long time. I dreamt I lost someone, not to death or something like that, but just lost them as a friend. Someone I cared dearly about. It was bad how it happened, it was awkward and the dream seemed out of place but maybe it was there to show me something. I have had two dreams recently, both involving fear, different kinds of fear.

This last one was about me having a going away party, and some people were there, some of the people from work were there too, which was odd because they weren't the people from work I usually hang out with. Well there were different tables we were all sitting at, and over the course of time someone I really wanted to just see before I went where ever, got up and walked over to the other table and just didn't talk to me again. Instead of having fun I spent the whole night watching and hoping they would come back, it felt so odd.

The other dream was at the fault of Cloverfield which I discussed in the previous blog. I dreamt something was attack this city, not Houston or some other city I have ever seen (none of the landmarks made sense) but we were running from it. And I remember thinking to myself that I just need to make sure that "she" makes it. The person was right there with us, yet my concern was keeping her safe. And what got me was that I feel like this is how I would really act. I disregard my own safety all too often, not sure why I wouldn't do it again.

But I remember the fear I felt when I thought that some harm could befall this person and that feeling was probably the worst dread I have ever felt in a dream. Fear is what the basic Fight or Flight notion is based on. But when you fear for someone else the only logical choice is to fight. Now, the only real question is...

How the Hell do I apply this to a real world setting?

Cared?

Cloverfield was a pleasant surprise of a movie, the kind of thing you expect to be okay and it turns out being so much better. The movie was pretty impressively realistic, with good special effects, but not so good as to overshadow the real point of the movie. Now don't worry about spoilers, I'm not going to discuss the movie at all except to say something about the basic premise.

How far would you go to save someone who you cared about? That's the basic set up of the movie. You have these ordinary people, everyday twenty-somethings and they are thrust into this world of chaos, confusion and terror. There were times in the movie when my heart would almost stop in the movie just because I could imagine how it would feel to be in that situation, with people I care about.

Prentiss and I always joke about our plan for when Zombies attack, we never actually thought of giant monsters. But this raises still more questions, who would you save if this really happened? How far would you go to save someone that you loved, someone who you wanted to tell you loved?

One thing I will say, regardless of how much of a spoiler this might be to some of you more sensitive types. But the amount of courage displayed by all of these characters is admirable. It's the kind of thing that we need to see more of in the world around us. And the lesson here...is the kind of lesson we need to see more of in movies. So often we see movies where the bad guy is against an impossibly collected and cool hero, someone who we can't honestly identify because they're not like us.

This time, we see real people, in an unrealistic situation, go and risk their lives to save someone they care about. I won't tell you how it turns out. I won't even sprout off some of my favorite lines. What I will say is go see this movie and then tell someone you care about how you really feel.

A Wall

I'm at the end of my rope with this, it really doesn't do me any good to keep chasing after people who obviously don't want to be friends. For all my effort and pushing, the lack of friendship I get in return is just horrid. I feel like an idiot for trying this long, for entertaining the thoughts in my head so far.

What I honestly thought to be a good solid friendship wasn't the same to the person on the other end. People are fickle and will forget any thing thats right in front of them. You're only good it seems so long as you have a use and when that use has run out or isn't there, what reason does anyone have to keep you around? You used to be so kind to me, say such nice things. Everything is so forced now, so coarse.

I hate how you ignored my obvious friendly gestures and keep try to keep things as impersonal and sterile as possible. It makes me feel like I did something wrong, like I wasn't good enough. Which is a feeling I know all too well and I would spend days trying to just think of what to say to make it better. Did you mean to do all this, did you mean to make me feel as if the person I thought you were isn't really there at all? I'm wondering if what I am seeing now is the changed you or the real you.

Either way, I don't think I can have any part in it, I think I was ready to accept who ever you were that came back to me, except for when you're like this. Because really, all that seems to be happening is you're trying harder and harder to push me away. And its working.

Eulogy

Those of you who know me know that, writing or speaking, I am not often at a loss for words. Preparing this eulogy was not easy for me. This is indeed a sad day for all of us. My brother meant something different and special to each and every one of us. In loosing John we have lost a son, a father, a brother, a husband, an uncle and a friend. While sharing our grief with one another will help us ease our burdens, I think John would prefer we remember the good times.

John was a man with a schoolboy's heart, a novelist's eye and an artist's soul. He was the kind of person you could talk to about anything because he would never judge you. He lived his life by is own rules and made no apologies for it. You either GOT John or you didn't. He was fine either way. He could be immature at times but the truth is he never lost touch with his inner child.

He was my big brother. Being as close in age as we were John and I had many of the same close friends. We were two years apart in school and even shared some of the same teachers along the way. In at least two cases (Mrs. Washington in fifth grade and Mrs. Johnson in high school World History) John set a standard that I was told, in no uncertain terms, I could not measure up to. Those two ladies GOT John.

Our closeness might have created a fertile environment for sibling rivalry. But our Dad always told us we had to stick together through thick and thicker and we did. As a child I remember him as both a guardian angel and a co-conspirator. Depending on the day we could be the dynamic duo or Frank and Jessie James. We laughed, cried and sometimes fought together the way all brothers do. But even when we were at odds we always knew we had each other's back.

I followed him in the Army Reserve and we served for a time in the same unit. We were brothers-in-arms as well as brothers. John was proud of his service and regarded himself as a soldier all his life.

He brought that same devotion to his friendships. As those of you who were friends with John know, he was not Will Rogers. He met people he didn't like and he wasn't afraid to tell them. On the other hand if you were his friend then you were his friend until December 25, 2007. He was a very loyal friend. He always found time for his friends; they held a special place in his heart and he would go to the ends of the earth for them.

So many people have asked what they can do to help ease the pain of this loss. The answer is nothing. You see this isn't the first time I have lost someone who meant the world to me. So I know time will ease the pain but it won't go away. I will draw closer the brother I have left, my family and our friends many of whom were like family to both John and I for so many years. That won't take John's place in my heart but hopefully it will fill the space.

While nothing will erase our pain, I will ask you all for one thing on John's behalf. I know my brother left lots of things undone and there are other things he never had a chance to start. He was a young man living, like most of us, with the belief that he had plenty of time. My request to those of you asking what you can do to help is simply this: Do something you keep putting off. Go on that once in a lifetime vacation. Run the marathon. Learn to ski. Go dog sledding. Whatever it is take the time and do it. Do this in honor of John and for yourself.
Leave as little un-done as you can.

Finally, let's be thankful for all the special moments that my brother has left us and for the way that he touched each and every one of us and changed our lives. I hope that John will continue to live on in all our hearts and minds.

Obituary

John Aurthur Caynon Junior was born in Fort Pierce, Florida on February tenth, nineteen sixty-five. He was the firstborn of three children from the union of John and Margie Caynon.

he attended Andrew Carnegie Elementary and Edgar Allen Peo Elementary, HISD, schools in Houston, Strack Middle and Klien High, KISD schools in Spring, Texas. He also attended the University of Houston.

In school, John was a Boy Scout, ran track, played the violin, and was introduced to computers and the world of technology. He also studied woodworking and demonstrated a special talent for anything mechanical.

At age seventeen, he became a member of the Army Reserve, serving in the 4005th US Army Hospital Unit as a radiology technician. He was deployed in support of Operation Just Cause and Desert Storm. he received the following awards and decorations; Army Commendation Medal, National Defense Ribbon, Expert Rifleman, and Expert Grenadier.

John married Luz, Gabriella on October 31, 2001, and made his home in San Antonio, Texas. To this union, a son Jon was born in 2002.

Everyone who knew John knew that he was a nonconformist; his occupations did not reflect his talents. Hon was a gifted artist whose creative streak ranged from, drawing and painting to digital media. He was a gifted mechanic as well and he loved technology. The running joke among the family and friends was that there was nothing "high tech" John didn't want or believe he didn't needed.

On December 25, 2007 John died at the age of 42, from complications resulting from an automobile accident on May 19, 2007. He is survived by his wife Luz Caynon; Son Jon Caynon; father Dr. John Caynon and wife Dr. Josephine Session; brothers Justin and Jeffery Caynon; sister in law; Gail Caynon; sister, Rhonda Session Waldon; nieces and nephews, Jacob, Jessica, Jennifer, John and Joseph; and a host of aunts, uncles, cousins and friends. He also leaves special friends Anne Ortiz and Kristina Belcher.

He is preceded in death by his mother, Margie Virginia Caynon, and bother maternal and paternal grandparents.

After the funeral when we were just sitting around drinking and talking one of Johns friends Chuck said, "You know you're brother loved you alot and spoiled you rotten; if you're half the man your brother was, you'll make a great guy." He was pretty drunk but I don't think truer words were spoken that night. My brother is loved and will be missed, but he'll never be forgotten.