I Quit

I know that no one has really noticed it, but I haven't touched these things in a long time. I guess because I get tried of typing the same things every single time that I start to write in here. More likely than not I have written something, and I just don't post it because it all looks the same. Well lucky me, because today looks just like the last few months have. The cycle of self loathing and pretty much infinite sadness seems to be pretty much all I can muster these days.

It could be that this city doesn't feel like home to me anymore. Or it could be that I have been like this for a long time and my bad choices in friends, bad choices in people to trust and a lot of other bad choices are starting to catch up to me. It's only when I have time to sit and think, when I really have time to examine things that I realize how much I don't want to be most of the things that I am. And even more so, that I realize that I seem to have very little ability to change that.

Life gets hard, and sometimes I wish I could erase the last six years or so and just do them over again. I wish I could do things in high school different and start college different. I wish I knew back then what I know now. Mostly that you can't trust anyone, you can't because a lot of where I went wrong was trusting, was assuming people were friends. The people I know online have been more forthcoming with me than the people I meet in real life, that's just sad.

People telling me that I should go see a counselor should know I did that before, and I hated it. The lady couldn't be trusted because a lot of the things she said were uncaring. I don't want to be that uncaring. That might be the problem with the world, that no one cares and that a lot of psychological crap tells them that's alright because its how you're supposed to be.

It's a hard choice to make between being who you are, changing who you are, and lying about who you are to be who you want to be. Perhaps the last one is the easiest, but its also least rewarding. I think I have tried all three, and even lying is hard...but the thing is that none of them seemed to get results. Nothing has changed for me. And if this is how things will be, I honestly don't see a point in trying anymore. I'm just about ready to quit.

Stuck

It's a little after five AM and I am up sitting here at the house alone. I am just thinking about so many things that have happened over the past...I don't know how many months. Suffice to say I am trying to get these thoughts out of my head because most of them aren't good. And one in particular is of this girl that I miss terribly and just am afraid to admit it to her, or maybe I am afraid to admit to myself.

I can't get her out of my head, she's set up permanent shop there and I wish I could tell her how I feel, I know she doesn't feel the same way. No girl ever feels that way when it comes to me.

This is short because I have no idea what to say.

But I just want thoughts like this to go away...I want it all gone.

But, more than anything, I just wish I could hold her.

Dusk And Summer

Well this is my end of summer report...I guess we can call it that. If I had written this exactly a week ago, it would have been a totally different story. I would have had to say that this was the most uneventful and bland summer, and that besides the bad nothing happened that I could call something good.

Well I will have to take that back. I made a new friend and after that I could look back on the things that happened over this summer that weren't all bad. I really did spend most of the first half of the summer alone. I think that for someone who has depression this is really the right way to help them, am I right? But there were a few occasions I got to see my friends and just hang out with them. I don't count school because there such a time constraint and limit on what you can do.

Anyway, I also go to go see people like Brandon, Tarin, and Heather. It was nice seeing all of them, Brandon let me stay with him and we had some great times watching the Angry Video Game Nerd. We set up and talked, went outside and just had cigars and it was like old times again. That's something I really missed and kind of felt empty without. Rickey and I just hung out and talked, I kept him up just like old times. And Heather has been supportive and has helped me through some pretty hard times and all with my brother.

I didn't get to see Prentiss as much, but I talked on the phone with him often enough that it was the same. We are always the same and I am convinced that this is how we will continue to be. Tarin I only got to see one time and it was only for a few hours. It was awkward because her new boyfriend was someone I had never met and I am sure he didn't like me. He's not the type of guy I would hang around with but I would say that none of the guys she dates are. But it was still great to see her and I got some pictures out of the deal.

Also I got a lot of writing done this summer, and insane amount. And I am glad for that because I felt like I really wasn't getting anywhere before.

But one of the things that happened this summer that came out of nowhere was Kat, we met on a forum site for Naruto and was later realized that she lived like right across from me in another subdivision. I really only spoke to her because she went to school in San Marcos and knew Stephanie Adams. But in such a short time I made friends with someone who is eerily similar to me and just so much fun to be around. Thanks for being there Kat and making this summer so much better than it is.

Sadly the one thing I promised to do this summer, beat Final Fantasy XII, hasn't happened yet, because I am a lazy person and I hate keeping promises to myself.

Fortune Cookie

I haven't written in this blog in what seems like forever. In actuality there has been real reasons for my choice not to write as much in here. Collectively over the last few weeks I have written over fifty pages of stuff that was story alone, this does not include the papers for school. And as I write this right now I have two more papers ahead of me before I can rest.

This last week has been turbulent to say the least but it ended up being one of the best weeks yet. Having someone nearby who I could hang out with and just go out and do stuff with has been comforting. That sense of not belonging and just not having a place I've felt since, oh I don't know, about September of last year seemed lifted for a while in the last place I expected that to happen. Right here in Spring.

Its hard not to think of the fortune from earlier this week in the half assed cookie in which it was housed. You will face new challenge everyone reads this kind of stuff the same. The fortune is bad news, just eat the cookie and when you bad news comes it will seem less cosmic...you won't feel like God has an out for you if the cookie didn't tell you that you had this coming

But what if the challenge isn't a bad one, even though the cookie didn't tell you the answer it sure as Hell predicted what will happen. And as a person who usually scoffs that these sorts of things. I have to say that no challenge is without at least looking at to see if its worth taking on. Few will read this blog, even fewer will understand it, even less than that I will want to understand it.

But know this, the last few months have been turmoil, uncertainty, life changing. This week I had an epiphany, an eleventh hour awakening that has set me up for the next stage of life. And to think, a little strip of paper with a line of lotto numbers on one side and a sentence on the other might just have triggered it.

Cyber Love?

Someone asked me suddenly the other day if I thought it was possible to have feelings for someone whom you have never met in person. I didn't really answer the question, it was two thirty in the morning and I was having feelings for bed...strong ones. Other times I have been called crazy for getting so involved in the lives of people whom I have never really met or for worrying about them when they have trouble.

But the thing is that I have some friends online that I knew before I knew most of you who will read this, people I have talked to through phones and long emails, whom I spent rainy days IMing and chatting with. People who taught me to write, who read my first stuff, the really bad stuff, people who have been emotional support and who I hope I have provided some comfort to.

After all, I fell in love with a girl I only met once, and then talked to over the net for months after that. I cared for her more than I have any other single human being in my entire life and we just talked through emails for the longest time. Our communication came once a day and yet when it came and I knew it was on the way, I couldn't wait. There are few feelings in the world like getting an e-mail from another person, not a myspace message or a facebook wall post, but an honest to God e-mail. When she used to write them to me I would be so excited, I'd curl up in front of my boxy old monitor and hold my face close to the screen to read it.

I might read the thing over and over again before I would place it back in my inbox to rest, and I have several of them still saved even now.

Because she was telling me intimate details of her life and I was telling her some from mine, when we finally met up again in person, I felt close to her. I felt so close that I told her I loved her, because she was everything that I had ever wanted in another person and still is.

So to answer your question, I think that love can bloom anywhere, even in cyberspace. Here was a girl I liked bu I had no idea the substance of, until I talked to her online. Love is a strong thing, it has bloomed on the battle field and in dank hospital rooms. Even if we are to accept that the Internet is a cruel place, I believe that Love can still transcend that cruelty

Cursed Out in Class

So last night I got cursed out in a classroom. A classroom that was full of students and one teacher. Let me start out by saying I should have known that when I opened my mouth and said something I was going to start a fire. Even though what I said was something that I would think any reasonable person could agree was not offensive or controversial.

The way all of this started was with the topic of minorities in Sociology class. Now when you hear the word minority a lot of you are already thinking racially, but we talked about many kinds of minority. Another guy in the class who was white asked the question randomly about BET which as I am sure you are aware stands for Black Entertainment Tonight, I mean I think the 'T' is for tonight. I don't give a damn enough to go look.

Anyway, what he asked was 'What would happen if whites had a White Entertainment Tonight (or whatever that 'T' is for)'? Well I could tell where this was going, and after the teacher did her little explanation of how norms and culture trends I stepped in and simply said that the question that should be asked was, 'Why is there still a BET? There is nothing of quality on that station, nothing of substance, this a devoid hole. To quote myself from earlier, its a gaping goatseed anus on our TV dial.

You see, this is where you would think the argument started. But really it wasn't. The teacher bought up something else, I couldn't even hear her much, but she mentioned this neighborhood called Sienna Plantation, its a nice place, floods a lot but still nice. But this black lady cut in, over the teacher, her exact words were 'I don't see how any black person can live in a neighborhood with Plantation in the name.'

I simply said, 'It's just a word, any word is what you make of it.'

This woman started out semi-calm, 'How can you say that?' then I couldn't hear for a second, 'she said something about me not being black enough.' They teacher cut her off. Like ten seconds later she gets up out of her seat yelling and carrying on, telling me how I am an 'ungrateful fuck' then she said the dumbest thing. She asked, 'How can you say slavery is just a word?'

Did you see the word slavery anywhere in what I just typed until this point? I thought not. I tried to explain that Plantations aren't just for slaves, aren't just for blacks and that in South America they are still in use today to make coffee.

This is when she talked right over me and continued to curse, yelling and carrying on. At that point I shut down because you don't have to yell to talk. And I don't deal with crazy bitches, sorry but I have dealt with enough crazy people in my life. I don't have to hear it from one more. And anyone who flips out over the word Plantation...or even the word Nigger can go cry to someone who gives a damn, because I am tried of trying.

Eventually it calmed down, I didn't say anything back to her because she wasn't making sense and that's how crazy people are. In all honesty she's the same one who goes on and on about her good Christian crap and suddenly she can't forgive a bunch of people who died about five generations ago in the late 1800's? That's asinine if I have ever heard of anything being asinine and I dare anyone to argue with me how that opinion she brought up even makes sense.

I'll say this as quickly as I can because I am going to have to wrap this up. But the main problem with race relations is that people of the same race want to group together and blame others. Some of the most racist people I have seen are other blacks talking about whites and they think that anytime something happens to them its racially motivated. A lot of them don't seek to better themselves, they just complain about how its this other races fault they can't rise up. Well let me tell you, maybe if you read a book, got out and did something, got some culture, and I don't mean culture from a record store or a magazine, maybe if you stopped acting like anyone who doesn't have the same skin tone as you is out to get you, or like every time you do something wrong and get caught that its your race that made you get in trouble you wouldn't have such a hard time becoming a productive member of society.

And just in case anyone cared, the high school inside of Sienna Plantation is named after a black guy...

The Internet is for Complaining

I am kind of convinced that the internet is becoming a place where people can bitch about things that really don't need to be bitched about. Maybe this started because many of the first big voices on the internet were the people who really hadn't had a forum before and were able to share ideas. Maybe this is where this rise of complaining came from, when these people got into groups they would talk about how they hated things in popular culture.

Or this could be partly due to the popularity of Maddox back in the late 90's and his way of complaining about everyday things in life. But I doubt that anyone really took him seriously when he said these things. These days a lot of people feel the need to complain about everything from music to movies. And a lot of times it seems like they are doing it just to stand out or get attention.

When I said to someone who wanted me to watch the movie Crash with them that I would rather super-glue my asshole shut than watch that movie, its different than me getting online in a place where people are talking about the movie and blasting it without any real reasons. I can back up my hate of the movie Crash. People who are running around telling me that they hate the movie Transformers because it was made with more people than just the fans in mind need to just stop and think about what they are saying.

You want them to spend two hundred fifty million on a movie that probably one hundred thousand people are going to go see? That just doesn't make sense. Just because you didn't like it doesn't make millions of others wrong. Especially if your reasoning is that millions of others liked it.

Charade

Have you ever met that person that everyone else just seems to like but you can just tell there is something wrong with them, like their logic is flawed, their morals seem a little debunk. You can tell that this person is not as good as everyone thinks. And most of all no one but you seems to notice.

If you do try and tell someone what you have noticed you are usually met with the opposition claiming that jealousy is making you see things that way. But there is something telling you that this person is wrong, that they are not good. I know this guy, he is the goatseed anus of a nexus that everything bad about other guys pours out of (if you don't know what goatsee is, don't look it up. He is the guy who says one thing to the girls and turns around to his buddies and tells a totally different side of things.

He's what gives us a bad name.

I can't say to much else about him, because this will be on facebook where he can see it. But just know that someday everyone will see you for what you are, the charade won't last long.

Picky?

Allow me to be a little introverted here, something I normally don't do on this blog but I think that for what I am talking about the idea is appropriate. This time the focus is on me and the subject is one of preference, or taste rather. All of this is in response to a recent allegation that I am picky. I have to admit the idea of me being picky kind of caught me off guard. I don't think I have ever been called that.

Here are just a few things I have to say on the subject of my taste in women, I know many things I like aren't the norms; like how I love legs or girls with beautiful hair. At the same time I don't know why I like some of the things I like; like how I have this strange love for redheads. These things are just like that some of the time and we have to accept it.

Now all of the things above aren't factors for me not to be able to date a girl, but there are some things that a girl cannot have or do if I am going to date her. I think that everyone is like that because realistically you have to have some standards. For instance I wouldn't date a girl who took it upon me to bad mouth my religion. Basically you don't have to be Catholic or even Christian, but respect that I am and that its not some fairytale.

Now I think that this is totally acceptable, as are the rest of the things I look for in a person as signs not to date them. Why is that? Well simple, because I don't believe in dating someone just to date them. If I date someone its because I want to get married to them, otherwise I don't see a point in us wasting our time on each other. That might sound harsh, but its the truth.

I don't see it as a problem that I won't date someone who drinks too heavily or who isn't at least a little assertive, these are just things that I need to have in another person to be with them. If I know I can't spend the rest of my life with a person why should I go through the trouble of dating them. Dating isn't supposed to be for you to get more ass and rack up booty points, its a screening process for marriage. And if you try to argue with me otherwise I'll lay you out cold on with a retort.

I think that is the problem people have understanding me when I say certain things like how I would break up with a girl for asking for a threesome. You're damn right I would, and don't call me cruel. She was basically looking for a roundabout way to cheat on me. I'm not a picky asshole, really. I just have strength to stand up for what I believe I should have in another person.

WTF?!

Two blogs in one day? That's right I'm going crazy it would appear. I am excited though because its almost August and I am hoping I get to hear from Persephanie again. It would mean a lot to have that back in my life, to just secure things since I have lost so many friends for various reasons recently.

My friends have been some of the most important things to me over the years and to lose anymore would really just hurt. But actually gaining a real solid one back, someone I really cared for is the best possible thing right now. I might sound like everything this negative right now and all of this, I know some people might be pissed about the things I say and I'll say it before as I have, I don't usually care when people think I am saying something that pisses them off.

But I also don't think you should care so much about what I say. I continue to be nice to people despite the fact that I get walked on, I continue to try to make friends even when so many of them walk away, that's life right? Probably the best news about me in my current state is that I seem to have become the writer I once was. My writing has become crisp again and maybe heartache is my inspiration? I would hate that to be the case but who knows.

And to Kara: I try my best to never generalize as if its all women, I know several who are great people and don't do things like that...you included. I could name a lot of others. But one thing I will say is that women like you are hard to come by, people like you are hard to come by. There's not many good people left in the world and when someone says their a Christian or when someone says that they believe lying is bad, or that people should be straight forward its not always the case.

None of those things mean that the person believes what they are saying. I'm attracted to a certain type and it seems that some of them say the above things (I especially like religious women) and don't actually follow through on them. I know its sad really. But don't feel like I am talking to you when you read things like that. You have never been mean to me before and you're as far as I can tell the perfect kind of woman to date. Unfortunately there's not even enough of you out there...

Double Standard II

Someone tell me a good reason that women are allowed to be cowards? Tell me why some girl telling me that that I need to grow balls is allowed to turn around and cop out like nothing happened? I'm not sure if this has ever happened to any of you, most of the time when I ask someone out, I ant to do it in person. But there are circumstances where it must be done by e-mail or some other form of communication.

Without fail, almost every time that I have asked a girl out on an innocent date like this I didn't get a no, I got nothing. They never replied. When they world finds a person unappealing or ugly it looks through them like this, the same way we look through the hobo on the side of the road begging.

A simple no is all that has to be said, what do they think not saying anything at all is going to do for them? How much confidence does it take to tell some guy no? I mean I get told I need to get more confidence...why should I work so hard when it seems every girl I come across doesn't have the confidence to say no.

I work so hard to get something only to be ignored or disregarded and tossed aside, I don't want to get it then in the first place. I feel like I would be better off with a woman who wants to find someone with out resorting to these stupid fucking games.

My Kind of Trouble

It's not hard to find trouble, everywhere you look its there. Trouble is one of those things that no matter how much you want it to go away its always going to be just around the corner. Trouble is discouraging to us, it makes us just not want to do things. Depending upon the severity, things will be more and more effected. September 12, 2001 I just couldn't bring myself to draw. I didn't pick up the pencil for about six months after that. I don't know how that's connected, but drawing just didn't seem right. I had been drawing when I found out about the attacks.

My point here is that trouble is all around us. But at the same time trouble isn't the same for everyone. There's an opposite side of the coin, when things are head for one person or group, they might be tails for another. There's lots of good examples for trouble. Case in point, Jesus for the Romans. He was trouble, but the kind of trouble that brought them out of their period of excessiveness. In the same way, the United States was trouble for Hitler, but we stopped his tryanical reign. I think with just those two examples.

Well I am going to say this in the most awkward way I have heard it said. I actually saw it on this t-shirt. We need to strive to be the trouble we want to see in the world no revolution ever got started and was successful without creating a stir. A little trouble can be good for someone else. Taking the moral high ground doesn't have to mean that you get walked on, it doesn't have to mean you can lay down and let wrong be done.

Stand up and speak out when you see something wrong happening. Most of the trouble in the world that we don't want is furthered because no one speaks out. But it doesn't have to be the big things. If you see some jocks picking on the nerd, get in there and tell them its wrong. Tell someone what they are doing to someone else is wrong if it truly is.

People who know me know that most of the time in most situations I am good for speaking my mind, or just speaking without fail and unstoppably. When I take up a cause I think is right and know is right in my heart of hearts, I don't lay down easily and I might not do for myself, but I can do for others. Maybe that's what I am meant for. Boondock Saints as a movie is a good example of how we need to stand up for the right thing, even if the methods are taboo.

Go out there and be the trouble you want to see in the world, rattle cages, and tell people the truth. Most of all just because someone doesn't agree doesn't make you wrong, even if most people disagree, doesn't mean they are right. It seems more and more that most people don't do the right thing anyway.

Update...

I really haven't had anything that I have thought was worth writing about in a while, but a little bit of good news. I heard from a friend I hadn't heard from in about three years the other day and that was really good. I have only talked to her a little but needless to say I am pretty happy to hear from her again.

I have been drawing again and writing, doing all of the old things that I used to do and I am not sure what cause me to do them really. I sat and did six pages last night at a Starbucks and I realized that part of my problem is I need an environment like that to write well. I need to be out of the house.

I am wanting to move out now, not sure where or when yet...but I need to be a little more independent. I need to have some time to work on things and get some writing done. I am going to start working on what to do next now though.

I guess the most unsurprising thing that I met a girl, I don't want to say much about her but I think she seems pretty nice. I will tell more later.

Never Cease

People never seem to be able to stop being a disappointment, they waste countless amounts of my time and their own by forging things only to throw them away at the drop of a hat.

You Might Be Trying to Be Nice, But You're Still a Liar

I'm going to tell you exactly why women shouldn't ever try to talk about how much guys lie. It's actually quiet simple and you can sport it all over sites like facebook and myspace. To put it all in very simplified terms, just look at your profile; do you see where it has the marker for relationship status.

Now, you would be hard pressed to find a guy who has that he is looking for dating or a relationship who would turn down a girl whom he is attracted to. If he did turn down a girl for any reason he would more than likely just tell her no. He might give a reason.

What you don't do is give some reason because you think it will make a guy feel better. I am going to tell you straight up, some of us maybe pretty damn dumb, but all of us using these sites can at least read, or maybe its that words elude you. But last time I checked you having Dating or a Relationship under looking for meant that you can't tell some guy who asks you out "I'm just not looking for someone right now."

I mean no matter how you try and spin it, you're a liar. Either you lied on your profile, or the more logical choice is that you're lying to the guy. Let a girl ask me if I want to go out with her, I'll tell her no if I don't want to. It might hurt her feelings but she won't be running around thinking there's some chance. And if you right after that start dating anyone else, they're going to know you lied so what's the use. Just stop thinking you're doing someone favors and tell the truth. It reflects bad on you. Learn to say no and be a damn grownup.

Ruin and Creation

After working on it since September I am happy to say that the first book in my series was finished last night around eight at night. I would have posted this last night but I got so happy I ran off to play Final Fantasy XII, promptly got my ass handed to me, and remember why I had stopped playing FFXII in the first place...

Anyway the story came out to be exactly seventy pages long, deals with the introduction of most of the major characters that will be seen in the series, starts off the first story arc, and introduces the main villain of the first story arc. Overall I am happier with this one than I have ever been with the other drafts of this same story. And I am ever happier to say that it's my very first completed story written entirely in first person. My new found confidence last night caused me to stay up until almost four in the morning playing Final Fantasy and thinking of a promise I made to get this story done before August...and here it is. Done.

Maybe the abundance of thought is why my playing was such shit last night. I realized while playing that even though I know the Final Fantasy series like the back of my hand, my mind as a strategic fighter sucks ass. I could never command forces in the military or anything like that. I mean I can't keep track of three people who I have control over totally with time freezing when I go to menu select...

Guess this is why I stick to writing. I have mind that allows me to see storylines and events in my mind and keep all of this stuff in order. Well needless to say I am a little happy about this...if anyone wants to take a look at the story just ask me. It's not refined yet but it's readable.

Now its on to the next in the series, which I wrote a draft for earlier and didn't finish and now I'm just going to start over from scratch...wish me luck.

Busy

Suffice to say I really have had much to write about lately. Things aren't great but they aren't super bad either. I have been writing like a mad man every chance I get. Planning and doing things as fast as I can get them down and the more i do the more I have to take note and make sure to remember for future stories.

I made a new friend the other day, kind of spur of the moment too. She's a pretty cool person and someone I think I can talk to without all of the bullshit that usually ruins friendships. And the thing on my mind most now is that it's July, and August is next month. August its going to be very important for me.

Yesterday I met up with Becca and took some picture, a lot of them came out great and I am just looking over them right now to see which ones get to go into photoshop first. I have been drawing some too, I am supposed to do one for Becca and some othere people but here's what I have so far.

Album Reviews - Like Vines

1. "We Intertwined"
2. "A Dark Congregation"
3. "Sweet Tangerine"
4. "Lions Roar"
5. "Lighthouse"
6. "Don't Wake Me Up"
7. "Where We Went Wrong"
8. "Magnolia"
9. "Wine Red"
10. "Out Through The Curtain"
11. "You Are The Moon"

Artist - The Hush Sound

Album -Like Vines

Genre - Indie Rock

Release - 2006

Label - Fueled By Ramen

Summary: The Hush Sound is an Indie Rock quartet who found their beginings in Chicago, Illinois. The founding members Bob Morris and Greta Salpeter met in when she was in the seventh grade and he was in the tenth. Bob being a bit of a rock performer and herself being trained in classical piano, they were seen as a bit of an odd couple. Both Bob and Greta sing. When the band officially formed in 2004 their roster included two new members, Chris Faller who was on bass and vocals and Darren Wilson also on vocals while serving as drummer. Greta plays piano and sings, while Bob plays lead guitar and sings. This means everyone in the band severs a dual purpose. The bands first album was called “So Sudden”.

Review: I remember the first time I heard The Hush sound, I was on the myspace of a friend’s little sister and a song was playing. ‘Wine Red’ was the name of the song that I heard and its actually track nine on this album. I was blown away by Greta’s vocals (she takes lead in this song) and all of the parts of the band coming together to seem like one singular unit. When I first heard the song I thought that for sure this would be the only thing to stand out on their album. With a few downloads of some of their other stuff I was proven wrong, “Where We Went Wrong” solidified my assurance that Bob Morris was also a good vocalist and that the bands somber and hauntingly beautiful sound was prevalent throughout their music. I think one of the highlights of this album are the back and forth singing of Greta and Bob near the end of “Where We Went Wrong” with the line ‘hey come back to me’.

I purchased the album in December of 2006 with some money I had for Christmas. It was so important to me I braved the Best Buy the morning of December 26. When I listened to the rest of the album so many other things stood out. The mellow songs and their soothing sound has graced the six disc changer in my car every since that day, only being removed to accompany to other cars and in my CD player. Probably the most stand out song of this collection is number five entitled “Lighthouse”. The song tells a story and is mostly piano melody and Greta singing. It wafts from your speakers carrying with it a torrent of emotion and feeling that just pull you in. I remember being captivated as I listened to it the first time. Other highlights on this album include “A Dark Congregation” and “Sweet Tangerine” (which actually has some special meaning for me). All and all I love this whole album and am lucky to have been pointed in the direction of this band. I would recommend it to any rock fan, whether they like pop-rock, alternative, or almost anything else falling under the blanket of rock and roll. Actually one of the more surprising things about this album is it’s versatility. My parents like it, my brothers, my sister, many of my friends and other people who normally don’t agree with my musical tastes. I’d recommend anyone who hasn’t heard this album check it out.

Artist’s Other Works – “So sudden”, “Snakes on a Plane Soundtrack” (Wine Red)

If you liked this album then check out… Straylight Run

Taste

Here's something that I have been thinking about every since I mentioned it to Rickey last weekend when I was staying with him. He made the claim that he and I have bad luck with women and that women have bad taste in men. I corrected him that there are women out there with good taste in men. But he and I have a problem with our tastes. We have a preference for women who happen to have bad taste in men.

The thing is that sometimes the girls I like seem to have some good sense and be very sweet people, I can think of one right now. Other times I can get hung up on some girls I never should have liked in the first place. I don't know what my problem is. I think I might need to change my tastes for the most part, but how do you go about doing that.

Has anyone else noticed...but me=clueless.

...until August

My brother opened his eyes today for the second time all of the way, that's a big improvement. Shows how much my mom knows when she talks about all of her negative stuff. Today I was emotionally drained, I don't know what it is that's taking the toll on me or even if its anyone thing.

I manage to remain my usual self in the face of, well, everything. I can't say much about, well anything. I feel like I had my energy sapped right out of me, I slept from six this evening til eight and I still feel so tired. My arms can barely move, so I guess that this is the first sign I need a break. A real one. But it won't come any time soon.

But last night I started to think, its almost July, and then comes August. In August there's that glimmer of hope. And I pray that I am not stupid for waiting on someone to return. I've fought so hard to remain who I was before she went away. And when she comes back, I wonder if she will notice a change. Thanks to her, I realized I was worth more than what I thought, and thanks to her, I was able to cut the cords from some people who would sooner hurt me than help me.

Summer is in full force but I have something to look forward to. People think of Winter as symbolizing death but I disagree, winter is my most lively time. Winter is when I am at my best. I await the new school year...the cool winds, the rain and an old friend.

Mother Says

Today's not been good, the weather reflects the mood as dreary and bleak. My brother has been sick with something or other, my mother has decided to be completely and utterly negative on the subject. She and I got in an argument and she called me stupid and said I couldn't think. So I walked out of the house and went back to my place. Frankly I don't feel like putting up with that from anyone and like I said before I'm not going to sugar code things for people. I told her she needed to apologize.

Calling me stupid over an argument about a cup was out of line. I won't go into the details of the whole thing because it was dumb, but she basically told me she didn't see the need to reward stupidness by apologizing. So I stood my ground instead of rolling over and taking it, I'm not letting anyone walk on me. So I walked out.

I'm sorry to say it, but the old fashioned ways are going out. I'm not letting my kids think just because someone is older they are automatically right. What the fuck kind of logic is that? I'm going to teach my kids to look for what's right and if they do end up wrong, apologize and admit it. Don't hold on to some dumb idea.

Just because you've got further in life doesn't mean you know jack shit about it, in fact it could just mean you had a lucky draw...

A Reply...

I just want to say that I am in San Antonio right now first off, but I wanted to post this very interesting post out in the open.

Emily said...

Well, there's a flaw. You can't use it to defend actions which cause harm or have victims. Clearly there's a problem there. It doesn't make logical sense to use the argument that way, and of course nobody does.

The rest of the things you might use such an argument to defend are things which, truly, if it doesn't cause obvious harm to yourself or others, then I see that the argument DOES work. I might say 'well it is patently silly to eat popcorn with barbecue sauce, anybody can see that even without trying it,' but indeed you SHOULD try it before you know for sure that it is a bad or good idea. (actually, that turns out to be rather tasty.)

There is a slippery slope, when we start drawing arbitrary lines.

And my reply...

Yeah but who is to say that things like threesomes don't cause harm to the mind and the psyche? I mean obviously I've never had one and I am pretty sure you haven't either, but who's to say if we went out and did that tomorrow that we wouldn't be harmed in the head.

Which can sometimes be the worst kind of harm because you wouldn't know it even happened.

Sorry I didn't have time for a real blog tonight.

Don't Knock It Till You Try It

As many of you might already know, I am no stranger to arguing. If you've been in an argument with me then you know how I usually do it. I don't always win but a lot of the time I get some good ideas out there. One of the things I hate the most in arguments got pulled on me today and to be honest this kind of argument pisses me off.

I mean of course the argument of Don't knock it till you try it, this is not a valid argument. More often than not its used when in conjunction with sexual discussion. Let me throw the scene out there for you. I was talking about something with someone on a forum and the subject of threesomes came up. I simply said that this is not something that I would ever want to do because I don't have a desire to be with more than one person at a time and even if I did when you think about it, in a relationship if someone is looking to have sex with others doesn't that bring up questions about the relationship itself.

My main argument against the don't knock it till you try it mentality is that it can be used to defend anything. Let's say for instance that I am an avid member of NAMBLA, if someone were to tell me that sex with little boys was wrong I could easily say "Don't knock it till you try it."

Another good example is drugs, we're always told not to try things like drugs and cigarettes. But hey if we employ the don't knock it till you try it mentality then we should all give drugs a fair shot? Right.

Why not just give everything a fair shot, let's all try rape...or incest maybe, how about we kill a person, or burn down a small house...hey don't knock it until you try it. We can't jump on Hitler because how many of us here have gassed Jews or committeed mass genocide?

Hey, don't knock it till you try it right?

I hope we can see how this argument is utterly silly and its the dumbest way to argue anything except taste in food...

She's Got A Good Hold On Me

Been trying to write blogs that were a little bit more short and sweet lately. I guess I have more to say but I don't want to say it all mostly because I am trying to sort things out right now and there has been a lot going on. I was riding in my car earlier and I came across a CD I hadn't listened to in over a year probably.

When I popped it in the player I was shocked to find one of my favorite old Dashboard Confessional songs on there, its called Hold On and just everything about it makes me smile. But at the same time it makes me sad. Now I'm sure as a lot of you know I am a sucker for acoustic music, but the song itself is so poetic that I can't help but love it. Lines like "I never saw her leading me once, she never felt me beside her," just strike a cord with me. I don't know, there's a little joy to be had in finding and old CD and hearing a song you nearly forgot about. And for just a little bit of time, you can forget all of your troubles and slip into a happier time.

How Many Times Can You Say?

I feel horrible, I might have taken something out on the wrong person, someone I really cared about. I can't take seeing others that I care for get hurt and I can't stand to see them go through a lot of pain and get constantly hurt like that. It has an effect on me and I don't mean for it to. But pain in another person is easier to ignore if you don't know that person. I feel terrible now for the things I said.

Keeping Space

On this rainy night I can think back on all of the times that have shaped my life up to this point. I can look back and think back to what I wrote last night. I can look back and say that things have to change. They need to change now. I'm writing these words to save space, to keep time and to hold on to this spot and to mark the first day that I told someone they were wrong. The first time I told someone everything wrong with what they were doing.

Social Revolution

I don't think I have ever made a bigger mistake than letting people back into my life when they chose themselves to walk out. I shouldn't be so willing to accept them. Whether they call me up needing advice or I just bump into them, when I let someone back in who openly walked out on me after all my attempts to call out to them, what I do is easy to describe, I end up getting walked on.

You see I am not so good at saying no to someone. But you can rest assured that I am working on that. Like I think I have said before, my first mistake was caring too much, letting people back into my life falls under that. I work so hard to get the attention of the people who want me least and I am sure I am not the only one. I've stopped caring about honor, respect from others and who's toes I step on. I am seeing now that the more you walk on eggshells, the more your own values get broken.

We can't be afraid to step on toes, to be counter cultural and throw a wrench in the works. By appealing to the masses for how to act socially we have lost the ability to strike out. I think we should make it back to where people want to tell the truth, want to be good to others, maybe it just takes something a little bit more evil than the good its being done in the name of? "We have our share of Ghandis. We need a General Patton." I'm not going to be afraid to tell someone I know they're wrong for doing this or that to me, I'm not going to be afraid to step on their toes or get rid of friends who can't seem to stop taking and give once in a while.

I've got this feeling that this is the start of a large storm, that socially this country is about to turn over on itself and force its way back to a more conservative value system. I think this country is about ready for the fruits of its own labor to come bite it in the ass. I couldn't agree more that there's a social revolution coming. Our war shall be a war of words. The battlefield will be the hearts and minds of everyone here. The weapons shall be ideals and morals, vlaues and belief systems that are fair to more.

I watch the news and I see people becoming fed up, I feel like this could be the start of something very big.

I feel the way bank robbers must feel just before they go out on that last big job that ends up getting them all killed.

That is to say, optimistic.

+

Sister soldier you've been such a positive influence on my mental frame. If I could ever repay you I would but I'm hard up for cash and my memory lacks initiative.

Worse

I'm not sure which one feels worse, feeling completely used, or feeling like you did something wrong and having others confirm it? People wonder why I am the way I am, a lot of the time its just because I get treated the way I do.

All At Once

There are certain people you just keep coming back to

She is right in front of you

You begin to wonder could you find a better one

Compared to her now she's in question



And all at once the crowd begins to sing

Sometimes the hardest thing and the right thing are the same




Maybe you want her, maybe you need her

Maybe you started to compare to someone not there



Looking for the right one you line up the world to find

Where no questions cross your mind

But she won't keep on waiting for you without a doubt

Much longer for you to sort it out



And all at once the crowd begins to sing


Sometimes the hardest thing and the right thing are the same



Maybe you want her, maybe you need her

Maybe you started to compare to someone not there

Maybe you want it, maybe you need it

Maybe it's all you're running from

Perfection will not come



And all at once the crowd begins to sing

Sometimes


We'd never know what's wrong without the pain

Sometimes the hardest thing and the right thing are the same



Maybe you want her, maybe you need her

Maybe you've started to compare to someone not there

Maybe you want it, maybe you need it

Maybe it's all you're running from

Perfection will not come



Maybe you want her, maybe you need her


Maybe you had her, maybe you lost her to another

To another

Season Finale

It would appear one of the problems has taken care of itself before the end of the season(see my last note/blog), which is usually the way with the sweeps type things. I just wanted to say that, my missing friend was found only a day after she went missing, alive but in the hospital.

Other things are still there, all of the time, other problems that are still yet to be resolved. But in time I guess.

Sweeps

For those of you who either don't watch television much or who haven't worked the a television website like me, sweeps is the time of year when all of the shows start pressing their plots and squeezing all of the juice out. Trying to bleed out all they can in the ratings. Basically this is the last three or four weeks of the season of the show when everything comes to a head.

This might mean like in Supernatural that Sam is going to die and Dean needs to think of something to do, or in the case of Smallville the bad guy faces off with Clark and the other characters are caught in the midst of battles themselves, you could take Buffy's example and this could mean that the Apocalypse is coming and the big bad is rearing its ugly head.

The basic idea of sweeps is that almost no one is safe, characters die, get married, have kids, get injured horribly, or make startling revelations. The idea is to draw everyone into the show, make the watchers who record or sort of just skim the episodes stick and really watch. This also makes people watch the next season to see the overall outcome of the things that happened, a lot of times Sweeps ends on a cliff hanger.

Right now, my life feels like its going through sweeps, and its almost the right time of year too. My brother is still in a coma, with two women fighting over him I might add, I got punched, got in an argument with a person over a girl, one of my friends is missing and no one is sure where she went, my depression seems to be getting worse and school isn't really going easy for me either.

What gets me is that just like in the shows, I feel like this is the start of it. I feel like there's a storm coming and its going to be bad. I feel like its time to batten down the hatches and pray for the best. What would the best be? Well August and September is when most shows start back up, the best would be Persephanie and I talking again, me getting help, and my friend who ran off too, my brother waking up after the women fighting over him cool off, school working out in the end and me learning how to handle the stress. Hmm, and maybe a summer romance...

After all, no matter the loses, Dean brings Sam back, Clark beats the bad guy, and Buffy overcomes the Apocalypse. My hope is that we'll all come through this, no losses. With that, I need to get off here, got stuff to do. And if you are out there Jess reading this, I'm gunning for you, for the best thing for you.

As back in old times, I'll say it like I used to on my LJ:

_{See you, space cowboy}

Fickle

It's true that people are fickle, they make it no secret that their loyalties only last as long as you're some good to them or popular. This is apparent in all forms of media; music, television, movies and even books. People only remember who you are as long as you are on the best seller list or in the big block buster. Any one of us could be like those stars, a few years down the road from being a pop trivia question or a VH1 special.

Not surprisingly enough, the Internet is one of the best places to see this, with things like myspace, facebook, instant messengers and even forums; people form these bonds on them as if they are together in real life, they do many of the things real life friends do without the element of actually being there. Sometimes those bonds grow into something more than a friendship...

But all too often those bonds aren't built to last, one or both of the parties don't take things as seriously as they would with a real friend. And the Internet is a breeding ground for phony people. People who can pretend to be what they're not. People who can stab you in the back from a world away and never have to own up to it because there's never any way for you to look them in the eye, there's always that block button...

A programmer would tell you that time matters very little to data, that as long as the container the data is stored in whether it be a hard drive or CD remains safe, the data will not degrade or corrupt from age alone. But on the Internet, a system made entirely of bits of data, time seems to be all that matters. Not just time in the ebay auction sense, but time as in how long you have talked to someone.

A "friend" you have talked to for years might suddenly forget you if you don't see them online for a month, not answering an email or message fast enough might mean you get deleted from a "friend's" contact list and address book; a myspace friend you added less than a week ago can delete you because you haven't spoken to them since the day of the add. If anyone here thinks I am joking, I have had both of these happen to me. If a person who is too far away to even drive in a day can receive and open and message within seconds after you sending, why shouldn't it be that the same person when replying can't think bad things of you when you don't reply to the same message in seconds.

If there's one thing you can be sure about people, its that you can't trust them, most of them are out to get something. A lot of them lie or are two faced, I know people right now who I can tell and prove are two faced or act other than they want to appear to others. For every kind hearted action on the Internet, there seems to be three evil ones.

Sick

I'm so sick and tired of my family I don't know what to do, I am sick of them wanting me to do certain things for them as if that's all I have to do and all I want to do on my summer vacation, or lack there of. i am tried of getting phone calls from people bothering me and getting on to me about not doing what they want fast enough.

I'm sick of them, I don't want to be in this city anymore.

Growth?

I had something unexpected and new happen to me the other day, and this little story might sound a little odd. But I was getting my car inspected the other day and just as they finished this really pretty girl came in. I don't know why...it was odd but I just kept looking at her.

I would have talked to her I thought, but my car was done and I had no reason to be there. Well when I got out side they told me sure enough that I would have to come back because the parking brake on my car was out. I just kind of shrugged it off and paid, then I left.

Here's the part where things get odd. I got about half way up the street and I just decided to go back and make something up, a reason to be there. I decided I would say I was calling my Dad for something about the car. I don't know what made me do it, but I just did.

Well I went back inside of the place and I sat talking to her and this other lady, she told me her name, that she was twenty seven, that she was a teacher and we talked about writing and just things like that. It felt weird to do this, it felt odd and just a little bit forced at first, but then I felt more comfortable.

The excuse I gave could only last for a short time, so I had to go. Before I did I asked for her number, well she just said that she didn't really know me and she didn't feel comfortable do it. Which I understand, I know its not safe for a girl to do that. The odd thing was, I didn't really care. I didn't even take it personally, maybe I have grown a little?

Sorry Won't Do

How do you apologize when you do the worst possible thing you can to a person?

Think Positive? Hmph!

I'm trying to be more positive, but people make it harder, I kind of wish that I could just go back to writing about the normal things that I do, but my whole life changed pretty dramatically pretty fast about a week ago. I am going to have to adjust to things slowly over time it seems.

Also I was wondering, is it that hard to notice you're ignoring someone? I mean really, its really annoying when someone does it to you, so why wouldn't you just make the effort to talk to someone, especially when they are in need of friends right now. I don't have many friends in this town and even the ones I have in San Antonio, most of them are really busy and I never get to see or talk to them.

So if you re someone I talk to, and you want to ignore me, just do my a favor and don't even talk to me. It makes me feel pretty bad to have it happen and I already feel bad enough without it, even though I am trying my hardest not to.

Armor

I feel like its been so much longer than it really has since I wrote in this thing, but it hasn't even been a week.

I've come to realize some of the problems with the whole idea that people wear a mask, that's the saying I always here. Well think of the mask more like armor. Armor is there to protect us from things that could harm us, that's usually how it is thought of. But this armor is just to keep us from divulging too much of ourselves.

In the last few months my armor has been pretty much stripped away. Everything I used to use to just keep a smile up, keep moving no matter how hard things got, all of that is gone. With my brother in the hospital every phone call has me worried that something is wrong, that something has happened, and with the added fact that everyone in my family that does call is usually doing so to yell at me about this or that.

Somehow I don't get the luxury to worry about my brother, I am expected to continue doing everything normally. But then I get accused of not worrying. They threaten to kick me out, they call me a liar, treat me like I'm worthless and I am supposed to be able to function like this? Now they are threatening to stop paying for my school, even though I am doing good and going to class.

I don't get it, I don't get how I am supposed to be able to just carry on under this pressure. I'm not this strong, I never have been and anyone who knows me will probably say the same. I can't even go see most of my friends anymore, I can't do the few things that made me feel somewhat alright. Getting online is just a passtime, its the only way I have to not feel lonely. Only now its harder to find time to do that.

I feel like no one cares what I do until I mess up. Everyone is there quick to point that out. Well I can't help it really. I can't do much about my mistakes I make from time to time. Everyone seems content to go and point them out and ridicule me for them regardless. I want once for someone to tell me something I do is right or good, I want someone to just once ignore something I make a small mistake on. I want one of my family members to talk to me about something going on with me not having to do with school or grilling me on how I am not studying...

I'm just going to have to make it to Summer semester and hope I can bury myself in all of that, not being at the house is what I need. Because I can't find enough excuses to get out of here right now. I hate it here, I miss living alone without people barging in to tell me how much I am messing up. Its not helping.

Critical

Well I remember thinking last night that I had nothing to write about, now I wish that was still true. I woke up this morning because my nephew was pounding on my door. I didn't get to sleep as long as I'd like. He told me to come down I needed to t talk to mom. He meant my mom.

I was so sure she wanted me to go get some breakfast for the three kids that I hesitated, I wish I had hesitated longer.

When I came down my mom told me to sit and told me that my brother, John had been involved in a car accident, he's in critical condition and that he's in a coma.

What the fuck do I say to that, I mean what the fuck does anyone say?

I could have all the tact and wit in the world, doesn't mean something when no word you could say would mean anything at all. Right now I can't think straight, I can't even begin to think straight because nothing is making sense. I'm driving to San Antonio with my mom to see my brother. I don't know when exactly, sometime today.

All of this just happrened so things are happening really fast, I don't know when I'll be availble to talk on here again. I'm really scared, I'm scared and I'm just thinking how I wish it was still 2006. I wish I had those kind of problems still.

Been A While

Sorry that I haven't been around to write much in this thing, there has been a lot going on with me as some of you know. This summer is going to turn out to be extra boring and long. I can tell you right now since I really can't leave town or go out much.

Right now I am just hanging out at home watching Boondock Saints, one of the best movies ever. You guys should all check it out. Well for now I am going to finish the movie and I will have a proper entry later.

Feeling

It's been a hard last couple of days, I'm not even sure that I want to talk about it. I've tried really hard to be left alone for the most part, I do want to see people some of the time but people can be over bearing. They can be hard to deal with and too much going on around me isn't one of the things that I think is really good. When there's a lot going on I can't concentrate or function it seems.

For the most part the people I know have been disappointing and I know what some people are saying, I should find new friends. But its not that easy and right now I am occupied with trying to find a job and school. I really just want to stay out of the house as much as possible. My brother called me back the other day after I called him for help with something and he go started talking about how I don't talk with him and my sister—in—law unless I have to.

I don't know what to tell someone, I'm not really all that talkative with most people, even on the phone I keep my talking to a certain amount. And when it comes right down to it, most of the time when I talk to them they come off as kind of condescending, and its not that I don't talk. I just don't talk when they want me to. Sorry that I need a little alone time. Even with people online I used to talk to alot I have been feeling like I don't know what to say anymore. Or like I don't have anything to say. I don't know why things get so hard really. I didn't think they were supposed to be like this. And people telling me to stay optimistic shouldn't really say that anymore because when I do try that it really doesn't take long before something comes along and just smashes any chance of that working.

Its like this, in the end I expect pretty much everyone I trust to turn on me at one point or another, I can think of one or two people that haven't, but for the rest of them it seems to be a matter or time. This is why I just don't feel like bothering with completely new people most of the time.

Judgement Day

It has been a while, and there's been a lot going on, to put it frankly, I'm pretty unsure about my future. I know I am pretty tired of life in Houston. I wish I could say that I could be some where else by next semester, and maybe I could.

But the thing that I really wanted to talk about isn't me, its a type of people and a state of mind. Has anyone else noticed that political correctness has become the fruit of the day? And the more and more we take this mindset on, the more it becomes apparent that morals mean less and less. When everything becomes alright and there's nothing that's wrong, like political correctness would have us do, morals go out the window.

These people who don't really have any strict moral code, because depending on the circumstances, they could be right regardless, are always the first ones to go back to the Bible (of all places) as a defense. The line they bring into it is always Judge not lets ye be judged. Yet anything else in the Bible means nothing to them, because there's no black and white anymore, just areas of gray. Unless it comes down to something they care about.

When doing anything the only thing considered wrong is when you judge someone else. Even judging a general action and calling it wrong will get you ostracized by some people. Yet at the same time, these same people will call others wrong for actions that don't fit in with their little group of sanctioned actions. Look at the environmentalists...they'll get on to others about littering and the like. Isn't that the same as judging someone?

There are a lot of things I find wrong that others might not, but many of these things might not be moral issues. But at the same time there are things that are morally wrong. Those guys that think its alright to sleep with another girl if they're a certain distance from someone that they still call their girlfriend, are WRONG, argue all you fucking want, there's no two ways about it.

That's the problem with America, well one of the problems. No one wants anything they feel morally obligated to anymore. No one wants to have to go through a God or set of beliefs to get morally fulfillment, but they want the benefits of doing so. Freedom of speech is important, but people should feel morally obligated to say and do the right thing.

Now we can't even call another country wrong for systematically trying to commit genocide against their own people. They would be considered as good as anyone else because, after all, that's their prerogative!

Hopefully the way of things will change soon, but until it becomes alright to cast judgment on people again, we can't hold to our own morals, because we won't have any.

Idiocy Should Be Illegal

If being an idiot was illegal, it would probably be easier to keep the criminals outside the jails and use them as fortresses.

The Weather Today Is Optimistic With a High Chance of Doubt

I feel like I am being tugged in two different directions, on one hand I feel like something is wrong and on the other I feel the way bank robbers must feel just before they go out on that last big job that ends up getting them all killed.

That is to say, optimistic.

Your Sex Stories Don't Impress Me

So I am sitting here at the school on the phone with my insurance company waiting for them to come back on. I am sick of this phone tag I am playing with them and the like. Three guys walk up and sit on the couches behind me and start up instantly talking about how they're such nice guys and bragging about all of the chances they have had to have sex and didn't take it.

They talk about how girls were wanting to do this and that with them. Then they start talking about the sex they did have. What is it about guys that makes them think they need to talk about sex constantly. Especially these guys because I think that they're all lying. I mean its three of the nerdiest fucks you've ever laid eyes on, and they seem like they are trying to make themselves sound like they are taking the moral high ground.

There's just something I really don't like about how guys think they can impress me with these stories. I literally got up and walked off.

The Great Disappointment

I want to start off by asking that you keep my very good friend Jessica in your prayers. I can't say much more about it than that. But I'd be glad if you prayed for her.

Two thousand seven has thus far been a terrible year, most of the people that mattered to me most are stripped away. I've been sick pretty often, I wrecked my car and on a scale of things happening globally, there's more wars going on than I can count. Some just think that we're undergoing growing pains and that the world will come out of it shortly. I am under the impression that all of these things are actually a death rattle.

Every year seems to get progressively worse, every event that I see seems to be worse than the thing like it that it follows. Anything good or nice gets squashed as soon as it appears. The world has been a rotten place to an awful lot of people. Most of the time these are the people who never deserved it, who never saw it coming.

This world is a mess, created by God and yet thrown so far from where it should be. Not reflecting what he intended at all, and he must have known it would be this way, he is after all God.

What's the great lesson here? Everything good is so rare, its so unique and when you find something good, hold onto it? I can't ever seem to do that last part. The good things usually only last me a few weeks at best. A good feeling is something I can hardly remember now. Not feeling lonely is something that I haven't known in almost a year. And I am beginning to think no one loves. When you love someone you don't leave them. You don't ignore them or not talk to them. You are willing to fight for them.

Love seems more and more like an abstract concept invented to just keep people happy, give them an unreachable standard to live up to. If you believe God is perfect, and God is love, therefore love is perfect. If you also believe no one person can be perfect, no one person has the ability to love. And I'm betting the chances don't look to good for two people either.

For a long time I thought that I could come and help everyone rid themselves of their problems. Help people feel better and whatever else. I'm done doing that, I find most people aren't worth the time I wasted trying to help them, I can think of a few right off the top of my head but I won't name names.

As for Jessica, I will wait and try to help her, because she was the last person I remember making me feel any kind of good. She was the only one recently who talked to me and made things just a little better. I could actually smile with her. A few others of you out there I think deserve help. But to those who don't...you'll know that I've given up on you.

The Only Way To Make It Through With Hearts And Wrists In Tact...

I don't know what to say about this world, this world it seems like its taken another person from us. Another good person. I don't know what to say. Except I hope she's okay and I love her.

For Kara

As the title suggests, this is for Kara. Any one can read this, if you take offense to these words, good. Maybe you should take a look at the way you're doing things then and ask yourself this question Do I feel secure in my actions?

Junior High is a pretty hard time in all of our lives. While things might have been simpler back then for most of us, before the threat of terrorism and the like. Life was hard because for the first time, we were feeling strong attraction to girls.

Back then most of it was innocent, and it got expressed through the wrong outlets. Most of us got as far as holding hands, maybe a kiss. But the thing was, what was the ultimate thing you went for when you went after a girl? You could hope at best to make out, no one dared to say the S word.

Almost a decade later I could sit here and tell you all kinds of horror stories about what I have seen guys do. I could tell you that guys are just looking to put their wieners in your naughty bits. Most women seem to think that already. So why is it that girls fall for guys that are going to screw them over?

Women aren't stupid, even the dumbest person by nature has a memory and can tell when they are doing something the exact same way again. The problem is guys are tricky, they've evolved to a point where they have safe guards to counteract most of the ways women guard themselves.

In the case of some guys, its just so they can get some tail. A guy doesn't think past sex most of the time. Some of them won't even use a condom, forgetting what the function of sex is actually for! But these are the guys that are easier to see through, most of them spit rhetoric that you see in movies, hear in rap songs, or read in joke books.

They're going to target vulnerable girls, the ones that are younger, emotionally unstable, or fresh out of a break up. To them, these girls are no conquest, just a means to an end...the end of a hard on. Unfortunately I knew some guys like this, all of them even drew straws over a seventeen year old to see who got to take a ride on her that night. That was how they would describe it. Better than that, the one who made his move decided to do so when she was almost completely passed out on a couch. He had sex with a barely conscious girl...

Now the more danger guys are methodical. These are the ones with a real brain in their head, that got further than second base in Junior High, learned the ins and outs of women (physically and emotionally). They're dangerous because they are adaptive to situations. They go after hard targets, women who have moderate to high confidence and some who say they don't believe in one night stands. Some of these men can function and think enough while drunk to still accomplish their mission.

I've heard of guys like this, met about one in my life. The one I met did such things as get girls who had never been kissed to sleep with him in one day and let him film it. It was more than just trickery, it was pure manipulation. It was incredible to realize that someone can have that kind of power over someone else. Even so not just any guy can do this, it takes quick thinking, wit, an adaptive personality and good looks.

In a matter of speaking, you must be an evil genius to accomplish this feat, most guys that are out there trying to get into a girls pants are trying to do it like this last guy I mentioned. Why? Because they want a prize. Some guys want a virgin, they might even tally the number they've had. I've heard guys even speak of sleeping with a one girl for each letter of the alphabet, that is to say they want to find a girl who has a name that starts with each letter. Even worse are the ones who only like to go underage...you can find all types, but the basic message here is, guys are sick monsters.

Hell, even I am. I just turn my anger towards other guys. If I make a guy cry, I feel pretty proud. Maybe his confidence dropped a little, less competition for me. Part of me wishes that if I have daughters, they're lesbians so I don't have to deal with the pain and torment the average guy inflicts on a woman.

Now I am tired of writing, I think I might go make a sandwich or something, oh and if you have any hate mail or letter bombs please send them to:

I don't really care if you don't like what I wrote.

1234 This is a fake street anyway...

Wherever, USA

Do It For Me Now

My body is filled with...well I don't know what. I looked back at something I haven't touched since the day I last spoke to you. You were eighteen years old and one day. It was the saddest day I've had since...well since a long time ago and I haven't been whole since then. But right when I was thinking of doing the wrong thing, the stupid thing. You saved me again, you've always been there to pull me out, even when you weren't really there.

What follows is your words, untouched by pencil or cursor. Words that struck me so hard that I know what I need to do.

Hey. Things are actually not going good at all...and it concerns us. When I came home from school with your presents, my parents kind of freaked because they don't know who you are and wonder if we have been secretly hanging out, which led to "do you talk to him online?" thing. They found out that I talk to you on myspace, and they feel really uncomfortable with me talking to an older guy that they don't even know. So, they are making me do the same thing I had to do with Heather. I don't really understand myself, and so I bet you won't either, and that's ok. And yes, i'm 18, an adult, but I still live under my parents rules until I leave for college. This is incredibly hard for me to do since it is going against my own will and desires. Justin, you are an amazing guy! You truly are! And I don't want this friendship to end...but I have to do this or I'll get in so much more in trouble. Please, please, do this for me, and soon we'll be able to get back to talking again. I have to sadly delete you from my friends. That's why I cannot have you on facebook. Please forgive me! I hope that when I leave for college and that I am finally free, I am able to speak to you again without ambivalent attitudes from my parents. I know this is hard, i mean, it's hard for me too! I'm so sorry. I want you to know something though: to thine own self be true. Justin, there will be many obstacles ahead, and I'm sad because I won't be there to help you when you need it! But please remember to be yourself, night to day, every single moment of the day! Cause being you is why I cherish this friendship! Please promise me to do that, and I promise you that I will come back to you once I am on my own! I hope that day will come soon! Thanks for everything..for you have truly been a wonderful, fantastic, marvelous friend!

If I don't shape up, and get back on track, who will she find when she comes back? Well I'm not going to even humor that question. There you have it, hon, you're boys back on track. I think for the first time in months, I'm back. After all, its what you wanted.

God blessed me with a wit, with attitude enough to stand up to others, against moral wrongs, to strike out where I saw tyranny even in the smallest degree. And that's what she admired. I seem to have gotten that back today. I've read just one thing and found the strength to carry on through all that's happening. I have to say sorry to Kara, I promised her a blog today about how evil men are, rest assured she'll have it soon. It might be worse now that I am back like this.

Hook Ups

Since the day I left Junior High it has seemed like things were changing too fast. I remember when kissing someone was a big deal. My first year of high school I heard from the younger sibling of a friend that three girls at our school had gotten caught having sex.

Back when I was there it was rare to even hear about someone going as far as to get fingered.

Now in college people talk about hooking up as if its something completely normal and even therapeutic. I used to see examples of it everyday. I still see guys that make out with girls, interchangeably in groups, and girls who make out with each other for a guys entertainment. I have to stop and ask, what happened to you women?

The women from a newspaper, Laura Sessions Stepp has written this book called Unhooked about the decline of love and its replacement by hookups in college and high school life. If I didn't see it for myself I wouldn't have believed it at first. In my high school people were so close knit that there wasn't much hooking up in the open, everyone knew everyone.

But when I got to college things changed severely and I could see the stuff that was going on all around me. One girl I knew personally got passed around like a doobie among hippies. Guys would get together and discuss her performance and even rate her on how well she did individual things.

Stories cropped up about different crazy acts she had taken part in, one of the most notorious was her allowing a guy to use the vibrate function on his phone for purposes other than it was intended for, needless to say the phone broke. But the point here is this, hook ups, for the most part, are degrading to women and they harm the guy on the other end of the thing too.

The problem really stems from Feminism, now I know I am going to get a lot of hate speech over this, but I think the second that women led themselves to believe that sexuality was the way for them to become more independent, they left themselves open to be used in a new way. Being outlandishly sexual doesn't empower you. All of the guys and girls I know that get the most crazy sex are the most unhappy people.

I read an article that Laura Stepp wrote on Valentines Day and it amazed me how much I thought the same way she did. She wrote about how many women didn't want anything to do with long term relationships because there wasn't any time for them. Stepp states in her article:

A national survey of 18-to-29-year-olds by the Pew Research Center reported that almost 60 percent were not in committed relationships and the majority of those were not interested in being committed. Young women even have phrases for couples, frequently spoken with a touch of derision: They're 'joined at the hip,' or 'married.'

But I can tell you right now that part of the problem lies in our parents. I had a friend who had a mother who had been divorced several times, and this friend told me that "I don't see the big deal with marriage, its just a short term commitment". Believe it or not the reluctance for people to seek divorce ruins the minds of the children involved.

What I can't do is offer much help. Guys I know think they are happy to be this way, to seek out these things and only these things. And occasionally making out with someone at a party isn't going to damage your mind forever, but going about looking for this as if its going to lead you to eventually meet someone you love is a dumb idea. If the other person only sees you as a hook-up that's all you'll ever be. Even if you marry that person, expect to get divorced, or have major problems. You weren't what they had in mind, just what was convenient.

A link to the original article can be found here: myspace

And That's The Last We'll Speak of It...

So what its been about two days since the shooting thing in Virginia and already we have Rosie O'Donnell putting her foot in her mouth with stupid statements such as her saying that The NRA is the biggest lobbyist in the US. I don't know how many people out there want to tell her she's fucking wrong, because obviously she's never heard of a little thing called OIL.

This is what launches the major problem with this kind of thing, the media turns into into a circus to fulfill their own personal wants. Some of them, like Rosie over here, will want to get rid of illegal guns as she called them. Well too bad the guns the guy used were legal. If you are going to start stating things, state the facts. Then you have those who just want ratings, who are playing this over and over, twenty-four hours a day, with breaks in between for more news about...the shooting.

The news has been adamant about pushing this in our faces, when they really have so little information to give us, they have so little that is new to give us. The people killed need to be remembered, but I am sure they don't want to be slathered with some kind of political button and paraded around for some political agenda. I don't even think that the heroes in this story, the teacher who died to save his students and the senior who barricaded the door; I get the idea that these people are just being used to get more ratings. I mean if you did something like this and saved someone, you would probably just want to be left alone. I know this because I don't think praise is what we always want!

The news is determined not to give us time to heal, just like they did with September eleventh for that week it happened, and Andrea Yates, and now this. It's like the line from Fight Club about the scratch in your mouth that would only heal if you could stop tonguing it. That's what the news makes these things into.

I also want to say that when this happened everyone thought this guy was white, everyone thought he was American born and raised, thought that he played violent video games, listened to violent music and that he was a certain type of person. They drew all of these conclusions hours before they even released a name for this guy, he turned out to be an Asian Immigrant, not that it matters. But what I want to say is that we need to stop blaming violent video games, music, and movies for this kind of shit. I have heard Tarantino's name come up more times when they talk about this guy than the actual guy. Tarantino didn't walk onto the campus and shoot those people. He makes movies, that's it.

Music and movies don't define us. I listen to a lot of kinds of music and I never commit crimes because of any of it. When did people stop being crazy and have to have a reason to be messed up in the head? No one is blaming the shooter for the shooting, no one is blaming the fact that he might have just been born wrong. Maybe his parents aren't at fault, maybe he was just a loony. His parents ran a dry cleaning shop in Virginia, do you know that they are hospitalized because shock? Well you see this crime isn't something that someone caused him to do. He was crazy and no one could have helped him if he didn't want to be helped, obviously he didn't want to be helped.

On a day when I think eighty percent of the blogs in the world are writing about this, I want to say something I bet many of them are not. We need to pray for his parents, his family, and we need to be less worried about warning signs and stop there from having to be warning signs. I knew a lot of people that were this crazy, but all of them had friends and maybe that's what keeps them from going over the edge. Family isn't enough, there's just things they can't provide, and even criminals have friends. So from now on when you see that quiet kid in the hall, don't walk by them or wait for them to say hi, just say hi to them. Stop and talk to them, it might make them feel like someone important. It might even make them open up. And it could just someday save a life...there's or someone else's.

Angel Feather - Commission

This is the first part of the commission that I asked this girl on Deviant art. Here's the picture.

Do Us All a Favor...

Next time that you feel the need to go into a school and shoot up some place like a school or a business, just follow these simple instructions.

1. Load the gun


2. Stick it in your mouth


3. Blow your brain out

Really, it would make things simpler.

You're Crashing, But You're No Wave

I really fucking hate celebrity news, its the most pointless drivel that they could possible put on the television. Why do I care how much someone got in their divorce or who is hooking up with who? I don't mind knowing stuff like when new movies come out that's something that I want to know, sometimes its okay to hear when celebrities do something really important for the community or commit a serious crime. But weddings and the like are not interesting, they're not even people that I know. I mean I can hardly bring myself to deal with the weddings of people I do know.

So what does this all amount to? I hate the channel E! I think its completely pointless and a juvenile waste of time. Can your life really be so boring and uninteresting you have to watch someone else's drama? I know that I have more than enough of that going on in my life right now. I'll keep out of other people's, thank you.

I really can't see the kind of audience that these shows have...well I can, I am looking at one of them. He's watched this stuff for about an hour this morning and I wonder, "Who does this appeal to." Most of the people I see watching this couldn't even tell you any of what's going on in the news right now. And while we have men and women ding in a war, we have whole news shows...news shows on CNN dedicated to this Anna Nicole Smith bullshit.

I'm sorry the woman died, but what did she do to deserve the public spotlight? Why are these assholes on my television? Why can't I turn on the TV without getting bombarded with who's dating who BS. And what's worse is the stuff they are telling us about celebrities. There was a story about the amount the wives of famous people got in the divorce settlements, they brought up pre-nuptials. I think this is the most fucking retarded idea. If a woman asks me for one, I wouldn't marry her ass. I think that someone asking for one of those is just admitting they don't think you can last. And that's not the attitude I want being taken into a wedding.

On a better note, they do sometimes mention positive things about celebs. Such as the story about actresses standing up against the common culture of Hollywood and the problem it has with weight. I am glad to hear this, because some of these women just looked sick.

The Angel of Death

Today I am really excited because my friend over at Deviant Art made this beautiful picture for me. I really can't tell you how much I love this picture but I am onthe way, right this minute to run off an color it. I just wanted to write this up and let everyone see the picture before hand!

By the way, this is a picture of the Angel of Death, and she drew it how I described, but you know how when you tell someone what you are thinking, but in a vague way and they think something completely different? That's the case here, and it happened that I loved it!

Political Correctness and Rosie O'Donnell

Political correctness is going to be the death of us all. At a certain point it might have been a good thing, then it might have been a little much, now it seems more and more like politician correctness is just a way to leave groups of people blameless for the things that have happened in the past and for the things that are happening currently.

In some schools in Britain it has become standard practice to skip over teaching about the Holocaust as it might upset Muslim students that believe the Holocaust never happened. Which is just stupid. I mean I'm not one to crush someone's belief system, but if you believe a well documented event involving the murder of over six million people was some kind of cover up, you're a dumb fuck. I mean I've seen fucking photos. I've never seen a photo of Jesus or Mohammad, yet Billions of people believe in them, how is this so hard to understand?

Some places in Europe are trying to say its not okay to call terrorists terrorists...although some of them even call themselves that and threaten 'a wave of terror'. No one seems to be paying this any attention, their all too busy listening to dumb ass Rosie O'Donnell. You know I heard her talking about how the American Government blew up the World Trade Center Tower 7 for whatever reason. I wish for just a second this were Soviet Russia so someone in the government would assassinate that bitch. She went as far to say sarcastically "This is the first time in history that fire has melted steel". You dumb bitch, how the fuck do you think they make steel?

People need to stop looking at people like her and the rest of the celebrity community and need to be more away of the words we use to describe people and places. If we change how we talk to accommodate the terrorists, yes I said it, then haven't they won just a little bit.

Cuddle

I think it might be too late for this. Right now I don't really know what's going on with me, inside my head or anywhere else for that matter. I keep thinking something is wrong but I don't know what. Maybe its just that I am not true to myself, maybe its that I forgot how to be. I miss so many things about last semester, some of them I don't miss at all. But I miss having other people around to talk with.

Sadly I miss most of my friends in San Antonio, some of you I had barely begun to hang out with, like Wesley. I miss hanging out on couches talking until the wee hours of the morning and most of all I miss having someone to cuddle up next to and just watch a movie. I want all of those things back.

Hookah is another thing I miss, because it became such a regular part of social interaction for me. I miss Law & Order and bad movies picked out by Brandon. Right now I just wish I had someone nearby I knew, someone familiar that I could talk with. I guess I have made some new guy friends, but no girls. And I really thrive on the company of girls because I feel comfortable around them, with guys I'm defensive, brash, down right rude and pretty much an asshole. With girls, most of the time, I don't have to be. I don't relate to most guys because all they care about are titties and...well titties. And I have really made like four new friends here, but that's it.

I need to get out more, I need to find a way to meet people. I'm really just not cut out for this.