I am Jack's Overdue Anger

There is really so much going on that I don’t think I want to go into it all. I know I never mentioned this when I wrote the last entry. I guess back then it just seemed like it would be a one day thing, and at most I would be done with it by Saturday. Well things always catch us by surprise.

Shortly after dropping Cassie off at her house on Tuesday when I was coming home my car broke down and I was forced to wait outside for my brother to get there and then we were forced to wait for a wrecker, one of the gears under the hood came off and the thing controls power steering, coolant and the cars ability to recharge its battery as it drives.

The dealership, where we had to get it fixed promised it would be done Friday or Monday, I wanted to be out of this place Saturday, if it had been done Friday I wouldn’t have cared and would have been on my merry way.

Now its Monday night, and the same guy at the same dealership is saying tomorrow. I should have been on the road no later than tomorrow, I should have been on the road like nowish but I’m still here in Manvel, Texas without even a car to get me out of this hell hole. The only thing worse than having to be here is not being able to leave.

Right now I just really miss having my own space, I’m going to go back and work hard at finding a job because there are things I want, there are things I want to do and I know now that I can’t do them here with my parents. I can’t even live in this place more than a weekend or I get sick. Its like you get soaked in something and you just can’t get it off until you’re out of it.

I can’t even type on this thing effectively, I can’t run the air I can’t leave to visit friends, I can’t even be treated like and adult. And when I ask them why they treat me like this they say because I’m depressed and because I’m on medication. The other night my mom called me when I was out and told me I should be in bed by now, it wasn’t even 10:30 and I’m nineteen years old. Who says? Who says I should be in bed by now? I wasn’t in bed by that time most nights three years ago! Why should I do that now?

I’m tired of the questions, especially from people who I know that if I started going into any detail with that they would zone out or just talk over me. I don’t want you asking how I am if you’re not really interested because even if you are I’m probably not interested in telling you. And if I am then I will want to talk about it, I will come to you. There are those of you out there who know I talk to you about stuff, others may have just stumbled upon this and not know what’s going on.

Here’s the gist of it: I’m stuck at home, a place that I hate, my parents are being none to supportive about my depression right now, I’m kind of at a loss as what to do next and I’m just ready to have my car fixed and be back in San Antonio, besides, a five hour drive will do me some good, a little bit of alone time to think and the like.

Right now I have to go, I have things to do, I should be back in San Antonio tomorrow, until then goodnight.

I Am Jack's Pre Thanksgiving Blogging Make-up...

Since I wrote in this last, it has been far too long, almost half of a month has passed and a lot more has happened. I'm not sure if I should try and catch you up on all of it or if I should just go on as if things just start today and whatever came before is not there, is not what happened.

Right now I am over at my brother’s house, let me try and do a brief run through of what’s happened since I last wrote in here. Well I decided that I had a crush on a girl, a friend at the school, I thought out what to do about it, and I asked her out, she liked someone else, so that was a no go. Then there’s what’s been going on with me personally around here, I have been drawing a lot, been really sick too.

That’s all I’ve been really doing here, the day before yesterday I decided that I would go home early for the Holidays to avoid traffic, I asked a friend if she wanted to catch a ride and she told me sure, her name’s Cassie I don’t think I’ve mentioned her before. Well it was good to have someone to talk to in the car on the way back because that drive alone would have been boring as hell and I’m thinking about waiting around for her to be ready to go back just so I can take her back with me.

Besides my brother and his kids and wife I haven’t seen any of my family yet, you know I hate this holiday most of all, especially this year I don’t have much to be thankful for, I don’t really have my health, which is the one thing I could claim in past years, I’ve got nobody, I’ve got the massive writers block and some other stuff going on I would rather not mention.

All in all I can pull the old, I’m thankful for life which hey, is crap because anyone who is standing around the house that day can say that one. As far as I know there’s no zombies showing up this year. But I kind of wish there was because with 80 annoying family members around you need something to take the edge off.

Well what I can say I am thankful for, without a doubt, is the good friends I have left! Everyone have a happy thanksgiving.

I Am Jack's "Tragic History of Love"

Now there's some things I'd like to go over, first off, for those of you reading this on deviant art I have decided to edge my way back into writing and do something a little special for you all, I am going to work up a story, something in short parts, to post on deviant art.

Granted, this might have to be in html, it depends on how deviant art acts towards the thing. But here's some basic info, the first story will be titled A Tragic History of Love and it will star characters from the rest of my stories. I hope to see you all checking it out!

Now for the rest of what's going on, today was not so good day, but I really don't feel like going into it right now. I feel like I can't go long without more stuff piling itself on the fire. But there is good news, its cold! Aren't you all so happy? Not only is it cold but my room is clean and that's a real rarity.

I guess tomorrow I have to look forward to the cold weather and some free time somewhere to write! Well I better get going, I have to clear my bed off before I can sleep, I'll be writing in this thing again very soon.

I Am Jack's Change In Pace.

I apologize for the recent lack of updates to this blog, I really haven't had much to say, what do you say really when you don't understand half of what's going on yourself? But I really wouldn't like to go into the same old things again here, its getting kind of tired and I have other thingsq going on anyway.

For one I talked with Allison about she and I, and we're still friends and nothing more. She explained to me that she's not going to be dating anyone for a while and when I asked if I should wait for her she said that she just didn't want a relationship of any kind. I really have to commend her on actually telling me the truth, last time I went through all of this I went out on a date and found out after that the gir lhad no intention of considering me for anything other than what ever the hell we were.

In other going ons I went home this weekend and saw the movie Jarhead finally, I loved it, the whole thing was just perfect. I think it was Jake and Fox's best performances that I have ever seen. I really don't have a bunch of analytical stuff to say about this, but I do have to say that if you haven't seen it, I would go, its well worth the money!

Well I really need to get going, I have more drawing to do, if you want to check me out at deviant art, my screen name there is ctk86.

I Am Jack's Revelation

It would seem like things hurt more than we first thing sometimes, I don't know why that is, or what any of these means. But I just need a time out, I'm afraid now, and I'm not sure what I should be afraid of. Things must have a way of righting themselves, am I right? How long does it take to kick in?

I Am Jack's Hedgehog Delimna

I'm too scared that I'm going to mess up, I keep circulating the same thoughts in my head again and again and I keep coming back to the same conclusion, There is no way in Hell that things will work out in your favor. I look around and I just see how lucky some of the others are, I know that they wouldn't think it was anything special or that they had anything that great half of the time. But they do, they take it for granted.

Right now I should be sleep, sleep or drawing, instead I'm sitting here again, picking my brain. Nikki told me not to sit and dwell on it, but it calls me to, it begs me to dwell on it. And I come back to the same things, I mean why can't we just talk and explain to one another what's going on, what's the matter with it?

It's really something that I've talked about in a blog before, the whole hedgehog's delimna thing. Fear of getting too close to another for fear of getting hurt. That's how I understand it, that's what it is. Someone you are close to can do far more damage than someone not, and its not that I expect this from this person, but its also not like I haven't been unsuspecting of it before when it got thrown right in my face. What makes my hunches different this time, what makes this better?

Well I can say that I think hope makes this better, hope that I can depend on someone in this world, and hope that even if things are to continue as they are that they can continue to not be awkard at the same time. I really don't think there is much I can say. I do have to comment on some other things real quick.

Right now I am working on a few things, a comic about a little fight sequence, just something for fun. Then I am doing a picture of a friend as a Naruto character, actually I am doing a lot of my friends as Naruto people, I'll have to get back to you all at a later date about that, I am feeling sluggish and unable to write.

I Am Jack's Syndication

Well its been an interesting weekend to say the least. My roommate has been out of town since Thursday night and its been rather quiet around here. I have been thinking a lot about what to do next, I don't know where. I think I'm confused right now, or maybe I'm just not sure.

Even as I'm typing this I don't really think that its making much sense, I just know that I have to talk to a friend about what's been going on in my head, and what's been going on with more for the last year or so. Right now I really can't think.

I do need to say that I am for the first time posting this over in my journal on deviant art too, it's like I'm in Syndication.

I Am Jack's Lack Of A Story...

Today was pretty bland, but there's good news, tomorrow I get to go back to the hospital and get my check up. Thanks to everyone out there who has been so kind and nice to me, I don't really have much to say today. Right now I'm kind of thinking about something, my mind is really else where. But I think for the first time since the summer that I am going to write something. Thank you all for sticking by me, I have to try and recover now, I have to try and get back to where I was before.

In the meantime there is a drawing I did tonight for a friend, here it is.

Later everyone!

I Am Jack's Wonderful Day

All at once I feel so comfortable, there's no sound, no distractions and nothing from the outside world. I have so much to think about and not a lot of time to do it. Right now I think I'm happier than I've been since the day I hung out with Ashley over the summer. Right now all there is in the room is the hum of the fan and me at the computer. It's so cool and calming here, I think I might be able to get to bed early.

Today started bland, so bland that I never thought it would pick up. But then things got better, I ran out and got Allison a present, and tonight when we hung out I gave it to her. But I'm getting ahead of myself, like an over excited school girl here. My dad came to town today, we went to lunch at Luby's and then went to see the conseuler about the withdrawl slips. There was some good news, I might be able to stay here.

I can't express how much it means to be so close to the people I'm acoustumed to, like they say, its important to have a support net of people. And here I have some. Then I came back here and hung out with CJ and his new girlfriend Katherine, don't think I've mentioned her before. Well we hung out, went and picked the present up and then I came back here and had dinner with CJ at the school cafe. It was like normal, Brandon came in baring girls like he does. And we talked and hung out.

After that I came back home, showered, played on the net and got ready to go meet Allison. We went to the Quarry and had a little sit down at Starbucks, it was fun and then we went to Denny's, hung out and had a big plate of fries, because that's what she wanted. I enjoyed the fires and we barely ate them all, we're such babies, not able to handle some fries.

She started to get tired so we came back here and I hope that we can hang out tomorrow because today got cut short and she said something that meant the world to me, she said Today is the happiest I've been in a long time. And this was before the whole necklace thing, I don't know what to say to that. I guess I'll just have to say, thank you Allison.

I came back here to reflect...And Then I tried drawing a Vector image again, got mad and scribbled this:

I Am Jack's Dark Cloud.

Well I just got back from over at Neemo's things seemed to have returned to something like normal around here, for the most part. Although I have yet to see Allison, its hard for me to think about much else because she's someone that I really feel like seeing before I have to leave, even just for these two months. And I know that there are things that I want to come back and be part of, like when she goes to see Rent, I'm not big on musicals, but I think I might actually enjoy that.

Or I want to be here to give her a Chrsitmas gift, something really special. I feel like there's so much I want to say still to so many people, but right now there's just something odd floating around in my head, I talked to my roommate and he just felt that I wouldn't be coming back here or that something would change. It scares me because I want everyone else to stay the way they are now, I don't want them changing, and already I can see it happening. I keep telling myself, as long as she stays the same, everything is okay.

Who remembers me quoting the line about as long as nothing hurts you, I'll be fine. It brings me to tears thinking about something bad happening to certain friends, or even thinking about not being able to go visit Allison. We've gotten closer than we were last year, back then I thought the world of her, I never knew she considered me such a good friend. I never seem to know anything though.

Tonight I started a portrait, it will be the best I have ever done, it will be the sweetest thing I've ever drawn and it will have meaning. I will put all of me into this and it will work out the way I want. I rarely say these things, but I am saying them now. I don't think its me being confident as much as it's me putting my foot down and finally saying that I am going to take my time, I am not going to rush and I will do the job right.

Is that so much to ask for?

Earlier tonight I walked over to Neemo's with the intent to borrow some masking tape, when they told me they had none I asked them, What kind of art majors don't have freaking masking tape? I think I knew deep down no one there would have it, I think I just wanted to go see everyone, I just wanted to talk with them and sit, and pick on Neemo, its just that I don't want to act like this is tearing me up inside, I don't want everyone worrying or hurt over this. I feel like I might have made Allison feel sad already and I know that when I see her, I might cry, these pills—kind of make me emotional. But I don't want her thinking I'm some kind of sap.

I'm just going to really miss her and everyone else, it seems like, yeah I know, depression is going to get a lot harder with out her and the others around, a lot harder before it gets better.

I Am Jack's Face Full Of Egg

Well it has been an interesting day, I'm starting to wonder about things that are going on around here. But I'll get to it after I talk about how the whole medication thing is going. I have been started on Paxil, or how ever you spell it. And the stuff really messes me up. I get sleep and dizzy and all manner of other stuff.

Well I have been taking them for like two days and it's strange for me to have to take medication. It's like me on medicine. That hardly happens, even when they give it to me for little infections and things like that. So for me to be on real daily pills is just unheard of.

And this is my last week at school for this semester, I have been told to go on medical leave, I hate the idea because I have to leave people behind, most of all I'm going to miss Allison, but then I guess this is for the best. I really know that in the end things will work out right.

Well I am tired and losing concentration, thank you for the kind comment Kay, but we're pretty sure I don't have cancer. I want you and everyone to know that. I did still get a blood test and it didn't hurt at all really, I felt proud and the nurse even gave me a kiss on the cheek because she said I was being brave. I think that's funny. It was the first time I ever had blood drawn. I do have to say something because I understand what your saying, when faced with death or anything daunting you can be made a better person. I don't know if I'll ever really be a better person, but thank you for keeping me in your prayers.

I do know that I am faced with something right now, something that can either eat me up or that I can stand up to and go somewhere. Depression, they say it's one of the most treatable forms of mental illness, then why the hell do I know so many people who struggle so hard with it? Why is it so blatantly there and in your face? Something isn't right there, something doesn't add up. I'm scared still, scared that there might be nothing I can do, scared that in all of my trying to help others I really over looked myself and let myself get too far gone. I don't know how to deal with myself being in trouble, I don't even know what caused me to feel this way.

Kay, I really don't know how to respond to what you said. I never thought that I stopped talking to you, if you think that, I didn't mean to and I'm sorry about it. Maybe there was just some kind of trouble with communication or something. I don't know what is going on half of the time anyway. I didn't comment on your blogs because I didn't know if you wanted me to, and then when you commented on mine I planned on commenting on yours, but then what do you say to a girl who had a friend killed in war? I don't have the words to make that better, I don't know how to talk to someone who's upset. Oration has never been my strong suit and the words to help anyone never come to mind. I just spent an hour the day before that telling another friend not to worry about her boy friend going to Iraq because it would be okay.

I'm really sorry about your loss, but everyone knows I'm not one to console anyone, I think I make things worse by trying. I've read your blog almost every day since August and yes I know that might seem kind of weird, me not leaving a comment. Next time I'm around your blog I will leave one. Right now I am dizzy and sleepy, and I need to head out.

This next week is going to be about me trying to see people that I might not get to see again for two months. I guess this is me making up for not really having much of a summer. But I know that if I don't spend at least one day alone with Allison I'm going to be mad, we really haven't had time to hang out much. And I miss my friend, well I better get going before I get to the rambling and it never ends. I'll be around more later.

I Am Jack's Gathering Exhastuion

I'm not really feeling like writing now, I'm not really feeling like doing anything. I just can't seem to stop feeling hurt and sick at the same time and I want to go back to bed. I got medication this morning and I'm supposed to take it before sleep. But I need to eat first. So I guess I'll have cereal or something retarded like that.

Everyone's so worried and so careful around me I really don't like it, the people who don't know about this stuff that's going on seem to be better to be around some of the time. And there's still a lot of them. Right now I just want to sleep, thinking about things really hurts.

Everyone that knows how I feel right now has been saying some of the same phrases to me all of the time Don't do anything dumb and a lot of other stuff. Looks like I already fouled up and did that by not being able to do a damn thing for the last five months.

I just need to go lay down.

I Am Jack's Day At The ER

Thanks for the support everyone, a lot of people have called or come by here worried, not that I like others to worry, but its always nice when someone cares about you.

I spent most of the day in a Hospital ER, but we're pretty sure that this is only as serious as a depression issue, not something that I would have to see someone who did surgery or anything. I might end up on medication and it looks like I am withdrawing from school for the remainder of this semester. I'm really upset about that, I won't be able to see someone very dear to me for a while now, I don't know what to do, I don't even know if there is anything I can do.

I haven't told her yet, but she already voiced her opinion about me being gone, I don't want to leave her here without someone to talk to, someone that really cares and doesn't want to take advantage of her or something like that. I told her already how I felt, that took more than I ever would have dreamed it could, I already feel like I've been a pain in her ass. I already feel like I'm in so much trouble, like I'm just an awful person. And its like I don't believe it, or I don't want to, but I have to.

So there's a lot going on, and I don't think I really feel like talking about it, all I have to say is this is my frist trip to the ER and I hate it. The thing that scares me most is I think there might be something wrong, I spent 8 hours there and never go the blood test, so I could still have some problem. I'm too scared to find out. All I know is I want the old me back and I want to be near someone I love, I guess I can't have either.

I AM Jack's...

I was suppopsed to get a blood test last night but it won't happen until today now, I'm so scared. I'm scared that I ruined everything, school, my social life and that I might even be going insane. A lot of the things my symptoms according to my mom sound like it could be any number of things in cluding a tumor, I have to check and see she said. I'm frigtened. I'm not the one who gets sick. Never spent a day in the hospital in my life. I've always been in good health.

I'm not ready to go, I'm not even willing to accept it, yet it doesn't matter. It could be true. I had no idea how scary things could be. I mean the way I am now, how could I even make it in the world. I hate it, I try and be brave, I do something I'm afraid of and then suddenly here comes a new thing to face. One that has no tangible shape or form but just is.

Last night I told Allison everything, I told her how I felt and she didn't hate me or want me gone, as a matter of a fact she was worried about losing her only friend. I think finding out about getting a blood test gave me the courage to actually tell her. If I'm going to have to get an operation or die or something, I want her to know that someone loves her.

I liked it better when the problems I had with school were simple laziness, now blood tests and doctors come int everything and I want out, I hate the hospital, I hate it and that I couldn't do this right. In the Emergency room last night I tried to be brave and to joke around, but I was so scared. I can only hide behind sarcasm so long. Anyone who says their not scared is a fool, even when you believe in God you have a natural want to stay alive. And I do want to be here, I've found out that I'm actually worth something.

I think a while ago I might have told you that I was worthless and that if I was never around it would affect no one and maybe less people would get hurt. I know now that there's at least one person I help around here. That's more than enough to make sticking around worth it.

I guess on the bright side, the emergency room allowed me to see someone I haven't run across since eight grade, Keena Caldwell, a girl I was best friends with way back then. We talked for a while, she was sick too. Its odd how I have been to so many waiting rooms, but never for me. I'm always so uncomfortable in them because I have no idea how to act, there's sick people here, can I even smile. For the first time I may be the sick people. It's a new feeling, one that I don't like.

I Am Jack's Unheard Outcry.

I seem to somehow mess things up, no matter what I seem to just not know when to follow instinct and when not to. I called my Dad this morning and told him some of the stuff that was going on with me, I didn't expect him to want to come down here and have a talk with me and I definately didn't expect to get walked all over in the process. I have al ife, no matter what I try to keep some scrap of a life.

And when I told him he should have called I have somewhere to be tonight he basically told me it didn't matter and that this was more important. Yeah my plans with Allison shot to hell, thanks. Because she's the only person I really feel like I want to be around right now.

I think thats another problem I have, my feelings only get recognition so long as they think it will effect my school. Well I'm sorry school is not the only thing in the world, and I'm sorry that I'm such a failure you had to come up here and babysit me. But I didn't ask you to come here, and I didn't say I wanted help from you. As a matter of a fact I didn't say I wanted help from anyone. I wanted to try and have a good week but its getting off to a terrible start already.

Like I've said before, I can't stand being ignored, but its not like I seem to get anything else from these people.

I Am Jack's Paralyzing Fear

Tonight was the perfect night, not in what happened but in the feel, the sky was filled with a light mist, the cold wind and air felt good as I walked along the river that this city is so famous for. Althought I wish I could have been with her, I think a lot about her, I try not to but I do. It blots my concentration and there are times when I wonder if I will ever be the same again.

I know now that I never really knew what it was like to feel something for someone before maybe last year, before that I would think I felt something, but this is much much harder. This is much different than the times in Junior high and high school. Here things have been different.

There's some part in me which would like nothing more than to leave things as they are, stay back and try my best to just leave her be, but then I think she could get hurt again. Damage like that just stacks, it builds up and I'm tried of seeing people like her treated like shit, everything that I see happen to her I just think that she doesn't deserve any of this.

My mind is dragging through everything, I need to wait, but I don't want to, I need to play this slow, but its already been a year. I really can say I hate that I can't help her out or say the words to make her believe in herself, but I can also say that I will still try. I've failed enough people but I keep doing this, why? What the hell is wrong with me. I've got nothing going for me, school is shot, I'm in the hole and I feel like there's nothing that I can do about any of this.

I'm so afriad now, but I have to do this alone and in person, its the only way.

It seems that when I try to do anything else, when I try to write anything else that only one subject can flow from my fingers, as if I've been pricked by needles and just left to bleed this away. I know that to all of you out there I will not be the same until I've bled all that kind of blood away.

I Am Jack's Three Thousand Two Hundredth Hit!

At 1:00 PM Sunday October 23, I hit the 3200 hits mark, badass!

I Am Jack's Attempt To Work Himself Out...

This is not my usual plate of things I serve up, this isn't what I would usually call an entry or what I would usually talk about. There's nothing wrong with something about some certain little group of people that I'm just going to openly discuss today. There's something wrong with me, the kind of thing that won't be fixed in conseuling, the kind of thing that you have to have courage and heart to persue. Someone I've kept close to my heart for a little over a year now has come to the point that I'm not sure what is wrong with me.

I can't say much more right now, I don't know if I will ever speak more on this subject. And I know, all of this cloak and dagger stuff is not like me, all of this sneaking and hiding is not something that I would usually go about doing and stuff, but I need to keep this to me, I need the keep the numbers of people that know to the minimum. I need to keep this from getting out because when things like this do they cause me more trouble than good.

I am running over things in my mind, I am driving the thoughts home through an intense grilling and testing to see if they stand true to what could be the best case scenario. I awoke at six this morning on my back on the floor, I had only slept just over fifteen minutes and I was jostled back into this world by a dream. I can't tell what the dream was, it was like visions of light and water that streamed through my conciousness but there was something tangible there too, something whole. Friday was the best day ever, it has done devastating damage to the days gone by and it has been crowned the king of all days only to be dethroned by something of greater value

I was shaking when I awoke, my mind was ricocheting off the walls of my skull like a trick shooters stray bullet, it was out of control and I actually started to shake. There's so much going on under the surface, I am so afraid to share. Even with the person I trust most even with the people I see day to day and the people I live with and the people I have grown to really enjoy.

There is something more to all of this. I was told something that night to which I could not truthfully respond, I lied I had to because I knew that even if I told the truth, it would be a lie to the other person. It would be a lie in their eyes because they didn't know the meaning of it all. It stung me hard, it had set me on the course and I couldn't just roll over and sleep after that, I had to think about it, dream about it.

I shake when I think about it, almost as much as I did when it happened, I laid there, on the side of my bed, even in tears a for a while. What the hell do I do? I mean really what am I supposed to say to something like that, what do I say, do I lie and make it seem alright, ignore it? What? My mind wouldn't let me fall asleep, and the shaking worsened so I got up and grabbed a bottle of water from the fridge and my glass, I drank some and laid down. No effect. I would have done anything to stop the toughts, ram a wall, hang out the window till my fear of heights caused me to recoil in fear like some kind of flesh yo-yo dangling about the cold waters of a toilet.

I wanted to freak, but quietly it would have to be. I wanted to run outside and just find some cigarettes, I don't smoke anymore. I only did for like six months and in that time I think I smoked one whole pack. I'm freaking out about it and there's nothing I can say, there's nothing I can do that will be easy for everyone.

So there, there it is, I was down not because of thearpy or something stupid my dad yelled at me about, I was down because I can't go on this way. I was down because I wanted to tell you the truth and the lie, but I took the coward way out and did neither. So there it is, over and done. I'll never know if I did damage or not, I'll never know what I had to do with this. All I know is ten hours on a plane, sheer embarassment of myself, I would brave it all.

I love you too

I Am Jack's Highlights

I have really begun to think things aren't looking up, even though I want to give things a try I really doubt that how I feel and the way I view things will change. I guess what I really mean to say is that I don't generally consider the way I am bad for anyone else, I'm nice to others, sometimes too nice and too trusting, so when I say that things might always be this way, is it really so bad for everyone else?

One thing that scares me is I have been having massive trouble remembering things, people I've known for quiet sometime, I really can't tell who they are when I see them now. And sometimes I can't put a name to a face even though I've known for a while. And it really doesn't help that I've been trying to meet new people when I can and having to remember names of people and the like.

I really think that something might be wrong because my vision will go all blurry sometimes, its not to the point I can't drive, but its like to the point I can't play a videogame that well, today it happened for like ten seconds when I was playing Smash Brothers Melee. I couldn't tell what the other person was doing, only that they were moving, so I just did a move that hit all around me and tried to see if I could do something, but I think it might have been obvious that something was up by the look on my face. I was all shocked because it came on so sudden. And now and again I get headaches and stuff that hurt.

I hope its nothing, I'll tell myself it is and take my own advice. I really don't know what else to do in a case like this doesn't involve going to the doctors. I lived with doctors all of my life, my parents. And I just have and thing about not wanting to go get medical help. It was hard enough to get me into thearpy, Kristi, Kay, Allison, my parents, two Jamies, and a bunch of other friends had to say something was wrong or directly say they think I should try it out before I really gave it hard thought.

I just hope that I can get back on my feet at this point. I really can't think of too much else to say, this weekend I have a full calender, I'm going out to two movies tonight, one of them is Rickey's that I hadn't seen yet and the other is Doom, that's right, for those of you who don't know they have made a movie out of that terrible game. Well its the duty of people like me to go see it and make fun of it, because that's what I do.

Hmm what else is there to talk about, you know I haven't talked about anything political or seriously crippling on this thing in like a year, funny huh? I really decided that I hated politics like around the time of the election last year, I remember I even told people to boycott the vote because both of the candidates weren't qualified to run a convience store, let alone the most powerful nation in the world. I remember the pose well, it was titled Reenact And Don't Vote

And there was that strange period of sexual/gender/sociatial issues that were discussed between me, Twinks, Autumn and Amanda. I know the one that got me in the most hot water was the one that I wrote on my rant blog, No Nation Army: About That Oral Sex Thing. For those of you that don't know I am planning on doing and update to that post, about how I feel now, but for right now let's just say a few things have changed. I know its funny the last thing people want to hear is a virgin's opinion on sexual things that he's never experinced that are based mostly on a mixture of Catholocism, a general chiviarious attitude, and an adverse hatred for most other males.

I think my hatred for most other males came to a head when I order that someone kill Usher because of how he had used his affair with another woman to make money and trick millions of women nationwide into thinking that he was being a gentlemen and generally sorry by doing it, that post can be found: here.

And who could forget the first dirty comment I got, and how much I got a kick out of it, I was so proud of myself. It can all be found at the post A New Day. And then there was my timely response

Funny how far this little blog has come, when I started I never dreamed I'd have readers or other blogging friends or even any kind of audience, now look at this! Here's to another year and many more after.

I Am Jack's Sad Part

I went to my second session today, things went pretty well and I think I touched on some stuff that I really haven't spoken to anyone else about. But I guess that with what I have been holding in, its hard to say that I have been telling anyone very much of anyhting. I'd have to say that the only person who knows what's really happening is Allison. I guess because I trust her more than I trust anyone else here right now.

I called her and told her that I was feeling down and that I just wanted to hang out and not have to deal with the people at the school for a change, she and I met up after her class let out and went down to Wingstop and had some food, then we went to Starbucks. I felt much better just having been around her. Somehow she just helped by being there and that's not something that just anyone can do.

We hung out and talked for a good three hours, probably the most enjoyable time I've had in the last few weeks. I don't think she knows what she did by hanging out with me, but it really helped me to feel better. After the Starbucks we came back to her place and watched Ghost Hunters, I've never really watched the show...but it was very interesting. More scientific than I would have expected, it was something I could really watch more often I think.

Hmm I guess I don't have much to say, I really felt kind of down still when I came hoem and then to add insult to injury my dad called with no other purpose to check on me, he never cares how I feel or if I'm alright even though we talked about how I've been down lately and we've talked about getting conseling, he didn't ever ask if I went, he just decides that all that matters are grades. I'm tired of this stress, my neck is a mess, it hurts so bad. And I can't think about any one thing for too long without wanting to go insane. I realize now that people won't really care about you for the most part, I know some people do, but even the people who should don't always care. And that's the sad part...

PS: For you new readers, the I Am Jack's... titles are an old thing, if you look back you'll see them starting on April Second 2005 and ending on May First 2005. There are some holes where it stopped, but its a system I really like...

I Am Jack's Belated Action

Today, how to describe today, I really can't think of much else that can go wrong in my mind. I say and do things and when I think back on them I can only see how it will go wrong, how I'm wrong for trying this or that. I wonder what did this, how did I get like this. Why can't I just see things the way someone who's normal does?

I'm really just tired of trying to interact with people and to figure out what's wrong with me, but I know when I stop that things are only going to get worse. I wish I could be a loner but I know I can't. I know that now but I really don't know what to do now. Tomorrow I start going to thearpy sessions, just because of all this. It's really hard for me to have to even talk about it, I haven't told anyone else here except for one person.

And even then I can't believe that I'm doing it myself. I wish I could say that things were just fine, but they're not and they aren't really getting better on their own. So I guess this is me trying to get the help I should have months back. Well I have to go, I might add a little more to this later tonight.

I Am Jack's Freedom of Thought

A long time back I would have filled this blog with things that it really wasn't my place to care about...why do I say it wasn't my place to care about them, well I find that the people they involved couldn't have given a care about me in the first place. I realize that now, looking back I wasted a lot of energy on things that I shouldn't have even had in my head.

I'm trying to figure out what I can do to make up for lost time here, but I can't because this place is supposed to remain as is, that's just one of my things. I guess for now I will pick up where things come in this week.

Not much has been going on this week, I have a test this next week so I need to get ready for that. But in news that does not concern the depressing mess that is school. So many things have happened outside of all that, and some of it will sound very familiar although the tone that it is in will not. Once more Brandon (my old roommie) has made another girl mad, although I don't really think that this is his fault, I mean he really didn't do anything that she herself didn't guess he would and she was told by several people.

I don't see how a girl can get mad when all you're guilty of is doing the exact thing she did to someone else. It doesn't make sense but I just see a lot of irony in the fact that this same thing happened with Brandon and another girl around the same time last year and I was all on the girl's side last time.

I haven't changed my stance on women and men, but I have changed the way I look at things. That's why I type all of this here, I have changed to the point that I see how a lot of things that women do are at times wrong. Recent events have helped me to see this, being accused of things I in no way did, and being cast out for the simple fact that I was trying to be nice. Right now I really don't care for many people.

There is however one girl I think I like enough to try something, she seems really nice and sweet. Funny thing is she's kind of like Mandi, well when I say kind of, I mean really. She looks like, acts like and has this whole Mandi aura around her. She's not quite as excitable maybe, but anyone who knows Mandi and saw this girl would thing, Wow, she's like Mandi.

I really don't know how to approach her, she seems like she might be a little nervous or something. But I'll probably figure something out. I'm at least good at thinking on my feet.

I talked to an old friend a little while ago and something came up that interested me. I was saying how no one was around so I might just watch Firefly all day. My friend, Amanda from my old high school suggested that I watch the CSU game (I have no idea who that is). I said Eww, I'm not watching sports and she asked me why and I told her that I never watch sports, she knows all of this.

She went on to say that every guy that she knew would be watching some sort of game, and I told her that I'm not trying to fit in with every guy. And then she said something that shocked me, she was just like And you never did, that's what makes you unique. I was proud of her for something, I mean four years we hung out together and went to school together and I never thought that she realized I was any different from the sex crazed drunk jocks and poser wannabe gangsta's that ran around our school.

While I wonder where I belong I never try to fit in with someone just because they are there or because its the socially acceptable thing to do. I basically do what I want to do, I've realized that most of my life I have been a free thinker, I don't follow into crowds. Like when I think about how I was in elementary school and junior high and even high school...I did things that I wanted to do. Like in high school people wouldn't hang out with a certain girl I knew because she had a reputation for doing bad things and just talking to her was socially unacceptable. I talked to her because she was a really sweet person and always nice to me. We never did anything wrong together, but she was always there for me and I was there for her.

Amanda made me realize that I never have been one to fall in line and just follow like many others do. But there was a time last year when I did just that and I'm glad that I've gotten over that. I hope that I can stay this way and keep my head above the masses. Well I have to head out. I've typed on this far too long, but there's one more important thing to mention. Jo, a friend of mine has started a blog here. Go check it out!

Swamped

There is way too much going on right now and I am feeling swamped and bogged dowm, I'm not sure if I can take this much longer or if I was even meant to. Right now I can't sleep, but I don't want to sit here and right in this much either.

No Use For A TItle...2

Not much that I can really say, things have been kind of up in the air lately. I don't know how much I can say, I'm worried about a friend of a friend. A really sweet girl who's not feeling very good right now, other people I know seem to be making a lot of dumb descions and one person told me something that I never really thought about although I haveh eard it before, I need to stop worrying about so much and just calm down.

I have really been trying to change things around here lately, and today was a welcome change, I woke up to the soft sounds of rain and the blaring of my ring tone, Blink-182's Feeling This. It was cool and wet outside, just like I wanted it. I was shocked to have someone else tell me that they liked it like that here, Jamie mentioned how much she loved this time of year too. I think this time of year is when I'm happiest, which is bad because if this is me at my happiest something is very wrong.

Thanks a million to Jamie, Twinks and Amanda for the comment (I moved Jamie's comment over from xanga to my blogger account), but I feel much better just hearing stuff like that! And Jamie, in the future I will try my hardest to make sure that I don't curse too much so you can actually read my stuff!

I can't wait, tomorrow there might be another cold front, there might be more rain and that would be so good. Earlier Allison dropped by, I sat over the easy chair and talked to her while she was on the couch behind me, our living room is out of whack, CJ's camped out there for the internet access, here's the file photo 1...

Yeah I know, there's a couch behind the other freaking chair and the televison has been substituted with...a computer!

It felt really good to sit and talk with her, she had come over ot borrow an egg and ended up staying about and hour and half to just talk. I like having someone to talk to, so often I think I don't really pay attention to those around me when I have the chance, I took the oppurtunity today.

CJ was uploading pics a lot of the time, but he came in and talked with us too. It was fun and the dreainess outside really set a good mood.

Oh, I don't know if I said this and I doubt she'll see it, but happy Birthday to Durae, Megan and Juliet! I have actual pictures of Durae and her roommate Alex in my living room, they're the freshmen I talk about so much. And here's file photo 2...

Well I hope there's not much else to say, I hope they all have good birthdays, umm good fight, good night!

Bad Week

ALright as an update, last week was just really bad for everyone, I have friends getting sick and a hard time with school and just an all around not so good thing going on here. I'm really not in a good mood, I saw that yesterday and I don't know what to say or do anymore so that I don't get mad at someone and go off. Right now I'm sitting here in the room, Brandon justh eaded back home, he hasn't slept yet so he needs to catch up. I'm wondering if I shouldn't grab a quick nap to catch up on sleep. It would be nice to actually have a reliable sleep schedule but I need to work hard at it to get that kind of thing started.

Since I last wrote in this thing I got news that Tiffany was getting married next summer. Well I'm happy about it and all, she seems to be the only person I know who had a good week. Then I thought, well she hasn't even been dating this guy for a year yet? I mean she and PJ only broke up this week a year ago...

I know this might sound bad too, but I look around and there are so many people I know that rush into things, people I know that seem to be a little in over their head. People are a little gung—ho and whatever it takes when they should be still trying to figure out how much they really like a person. I remember the last time I was all gung—ho about some girl and I really learned my lesson. I haven't trusted what a girl said or did to me since then. Because the last time I did it was just a bunch of lies. And I'm not trying to say that lal girls are like that, but it makes it harder to trust them when you get the few that are and really mess you over.

I'll give people a chance, I won't judge them on looks or anything like, which is not to say that I don't like a girl that looks good. But I know that its not the only thing that matters. I'm tired of girls deciding things before they even get to know you, especially when you wanted to be friends with them and nothing else, its like what the hell, I'm not even good enough to be you're friend?

It hurts to hear the same thing over and over again when you really didn't mean any harm, espeically when you tired to present things in a non-harmful way. I feel bad because its hard to be a guy this day and age, I mean not hard as in there's no jobs because women took them all, let's get real.

I know so many guys who have been called creepy and stalkerish for doing normal things, not to say that stalking someone is nromal. But if you know a girl for a month and you send her flowers at work, not a stalker. You know a girl for any amount of time and you're in her bushes outside with a telescope and a night vision camera, stalker. There's not a fine line really. It's a thick, black, well defined sharpie line.

I have never really been one for people doing things that are even considered creepy, but is it so wrong to ask someone out for coffee or be excited when you see someone for the first time in a long time? I mean if you talk to a guy three times a week and then don't see him for two weeks or talk to him during that time, is he really smothering you? I got accused of that last year with you know who.

And you know, I used to try and be nice, I used you try and say that it was just her way, but now I know its fucking bullshit. You wish someone paid you that kind of attention or you wouldn't have flirted back with them, that's how it worked with her at least. After all of this I still think women are better than men, men just piss me off till no end.

And right now, its so hot here, its humid again and its raining and just nasty, I want it to go back to cold and rainy, I love that time of year. I want there to be cool winds and the damp grass again, I want it to be a little bit dark out all day and for there to be a light mist in the air. I love fall just because of all those things. I live for this time of year and for the cold.

And yet school is so hard now, I don't even know if I'm cut out for this, what am I cut out for. I need to do something, I need to shape out. This morning I just prayed that I could make it through all of this, that I could get up on time and get where I need to be and just make it. I don't know, I really want to be something, nothing bit like a famous writer, but I would like to write. It's what I enjoy. And yet i haven't written in months, I haven't had an idea or made a story. I just feel useless now and I need to get out of that mode.

Hmm, well this ran a little long, I better get to napping, because I really can't stand it anymore.

She Was Right

Things around here really need to change, I need to change, I need to stop slacking off. I need to really get to it and hit stuff hard this time around because I can't waste any more of my own time. I feel like I have a lot to say but don't really know how to. And I think part of me feels proud just to have written in this old thing again. I promised myself that it wouldn't make it a year and then just end, there are lots of stories still to be told, and a lot of experinces to be had here.

I guess I will talk just a bit about the movie, earlier Allison, her roommate, and CJ went with me to the movies to see Serenity. Very good, very funny—one of the best things I have seen this summer. I think that this summer really lacked in the way of movies, I mean sure there were a few that were real good, but for the most part it was just dribble.

There really isn't much to say about the movie besides that, I mean I don't want to turn this entry into a review although talking about what I want to just seems like something I can't bring myself to do. See, almost one year ago I got fed up, I got tired of people I didn't want read my live journal reading it and I got tired of the whole live journal format...so I came here and I made this blog. It was new and exciting and no one knew about it but me and my CPU. Then I got new friends and told them about it, joined facebook and posted a link there and the thing just spread.

Now I am back where I was a year ago, I wish I had left this thing to be here and to exist without knowledge of it getting around, without posting a link and whoring it out. I know so many people who look at it from time to time. It makes me see why Autumn and Twinks do what they do.

I feel like I need to start a new blog, but then I don't want to...I don't want to lose what I've made here, I've made a good place for myself. I've made something that has so much history behind it. This blog, a years worth of posts, plus back dated posts from my old blog. Friends that I made with this thing, comments; funny and sweet. I just can't let this thing go.

Which means that what I say now will only make sense to one person, if she even sees this. You were right, you were right about how things were going to be. I can't really say much more, and with all that you said I know that must sound vague. But just think back to the things you told me not to count on so much and talk about so much when you told me I was interesting too, just know that you were right and that I listened.

I take comfort in the fact I half prepared myself for this, I am ready for what's to come now. And I can also take comfort in the fact that my life just got better for now it is fall in San Antonio and it is cold outside. I wish I had someone to walk through the park with here, this is the kind of weather I dream about.

Finally, I can listen to my Ataris CD again, other times of the year it pisses me off, in winter its gold...

...so long astoria we found the map to buried treasure and even if we come home empty handed we still have our stories...

Quickie

Tomorrow is the movie with Allison, I sure hope that htings go through, this is just the thing she needs to get all cheered up. And now I have to go to class tomorrow, Durae got her hair cut and she's looking all...well let's just call it hot now. I haven't really hung out much with her and her friends lately. It's kind of strange, you know how you start hanging around some people and you think, this will be cool, its going to last, but then suddenly thingsj ust kind of fall apart. Well that didn't happen, and I'm glad, I like hanging out with them.

Last year I had some friends I hung out with all of the time at the start of the year and now I don't even talk to them, not online, not on facebook, not even in passing, its like we just fell out with out falling out. They were both girls and they both have boyfriends now, so they spend every waking moment up under them. I really can't take that. I know the one will breka up with hers when she's done sofocating herself. The two girls don't even talk anymore they had a big fight over something totally stupid and beside the point.

I hope the friends I meet this year I can continue to hang out with past the first semester.

Cold Front!!!!

Well I usually don't do this in the middle of the day, but I guess I figured that it couldn't hurt. It's strange how people around here are acting, I have met a lot of new people around here. Some of them have been very nice, other's not so much. I think college is hard to get through unless you have a strong base of people which you can interact with. I've found out that things get a lot easier once you have people around you some of the time.

I don't think that I want to end up like I did last year, surrounded by friends to the point that I'm almost sofocating. I hope that some of these people I've met around also being as true about themselves as they can be, most of the time I end up meeting people who love to seem like something that they're not.

Right now there is so much going on and I need to really get back on using this, I think I finally have myself back on a schedule that's do-able, I go to sleep sometime right after midnight and wake up around nine in the morning. If I don't force myself to stay up and keep this up it'll be nice being up when other people are and having time to maybe even get the breakfast!

Well I better get going, I have to get in the shower before dinner, just in case I run into Becca and her friends down there and because of the fact that it was so fucking hot out that I think I just need a shower. But there is good news, tonight there should be a cold front, so it'll get cold!

...not cold, but cooler and I'll take that over this right now!

Odd Day

Today was odd to say the least, but its even odder that I'm already tired when I don't normally go to bed until around 5:00 AM. I had a few good discussions with some people today, most of them just me trying to interact with someone else. I got that done some today when I hung out over in the other dorms that are right across from here.

I've come to that point where I am not dealing with others when I don't want to, I realize now that something someone very dear said not too long ago about learning to treat myself sometimes really comes in handy here. I've learned to talk about myself and treat myself every once in a while, well enough to get through the day. Although I have to wonder about a lot of the other things that work around here. How does a girl who whines about not being able to meet nice guys, turn down someone's attempts to talk to her twice and then bitch about having a stalker? I mean just because I eat dinner around the same time you do in a cafe that holds over two hundred people doesn't mean you have a stalker.

I don't care about it anymore, I have so many other things to do. But it makes me mad at the other people who do this. You can't be expecting some miraculous guy to find you even when you turn down every attempt made. Right now I'm not even worried about it, but it just seems so dumb how women work at times, they contradict themselves and then complain when they aren't understood. You need to try and udnerstand yourself first.

I mean since school started I have had one girl talk to me, IM me, want me to call her, and then she asked me to meet her on campus only to not show up three times, then when called not pick up her phone and when questioned online she would either not respond or if it happened mid converstation she would mysteriously go offline. Another girl when asked to go get coffee freaked out and decided I was a stalker? Like what the fuck, you were just bitching about how guys never talk to you. When one does he's a stalking you? Sounds like someone I remember from last year.

There is however goodnews, a girl is coming down this weekend to hang out, as is a friend from home, Charlie Torres. I'm hoping that this weekend will be a repeat of the last one. Also I plan to talk to this girl more about the modeling thing at dinner tomorrow, I hope this goes well. She seems to actually like hanging out with me and she's not shy so I hope she doesn't mind taking like five to ten pics or so!

Well I have to go, I'm ultra tired.

"To What Ever It Takes"

This weekend was a very good weekend, I never expected it to be but things just seemed to fall into place. I met a lot of people this weekend, one of them really stood out, she's very nice, funny, pretty and seems to be oddly nice to me. It's fun to have a new friend and not know what to expect yet.

Is it odd that it scares the shit out of my to think of a relationship and yet I really want one, I want a chance to prove to myself that I have it in me to do things right. Over the last year and a half I changed a lot, I mean over the last four months I've changed a lot. I've learned a lot and I've learned what to look out for, I mean I should have. Last year especially I got tricked into thinking someone was something when they were something else all together.

Getting over that combined with the other previous failures is hard. But I guess that I'll just have not get too ahead of myself, I have a way of doing that. And it sucks to get your hopes to have them dashed. There's been a lot of things brewing up lately, I mean aside from the new friendships. There has been a lot of arguing going on in our little group. Not that I'm worried, I mean I knew it would come sooner or later.

Everyone's mad at someone or something, for the most part I haven't really been in the group, I've kind of moved around on the edges and outside of it, skirted this fight so far, but there's two people who if anyone messes with too much I'll have to step in, Allison and Jenn, those two never did anything wrong to anyone. They don't need to be messed with.

Lately I have not been using many of my HTML tags, I guess when I first learned them I was eager to use them or something, now it seems I only do them when need be, but I miss them kind of. So I think I'll have to start using them more like I used to...

Well I need to go brush my teeth and get ready to go to lunch, I'll be around later on.

Change in the Wind

I spent the day meeting several new people just because I felt like it, all in all I must have met several new girls and guys which makes me happy. More and more I am starting to see that some people were right about what I'm doing with friends around here. I just needed to have a wider variety of friends. I think that's part of the reason that I am stuck here all of the time, no one I know want's to get out. Earlier this week I want to Burger King with these three Freshmen girls and I relaized that its not hard just to hang out with people.

It's just that whenever I mention that to most people I get a Man, its too hard to just talk to people, people are difficult to work with.

People are not that hard to deal with, it just that it's much easier to sit here all day than to try and be social. Well from now on I'm going to try and get to know people. I've been reassured just how nice people can be around here really. I've also been reassured that I need to stop making certain kinds of jokes as they don't pretain to the general population.

See my friends make a lot of references to animes and videogames in their jokes, and it was cool when it was just us hanging around and talking in the dorms or at the dinner table. But the problem comes when we're at the table with someone and all that we're doing is thosek inds of jokes. I watched this girl sit there today and just try to force laughs out because my friends were all laughing at something that wasn't even all that funny to begin with.

See I had gone to dinner with some guys that I met earlier today, and when they left I hung out with some of Brandon's old friends, they were pretty cool. There was this gorgeous redhead with them, she was like spectacular looking. But that's besides the point. Some girl came in and I was walking about how I hated where we were sitting. And this girl was at another table. By now all of the girls on the side of the room we were on had left.

So I was talking about this little setback, when suddenly she looked up and laughs about it because she over hears me. Well after she was done laughing she invited me over to the table where she was. Which was odd because, one a girl inviting me anywhere is odd and two she was way too pretty for me to be seen with normally.

Well Brandon, this guy named Frank, his friend Cody and I moved over to sit with her. It was all going good, I mean good conversation and everything. But when the rest of our other friends showed up here come the jokes. Sometimes I would like to talk without having to guess that reference or get a perfect 32 joke combo.

So now I think I need to start dispursing myself around from place to place, I have met so many people today that I could see at least being friends with. I'm looking forward to the next few weeks. I hope that with all of this I finally find something that I can be happy about, I know its not good to look for happiness in other people. But the problem is I'm not happy with who I am, I've become a recluse, I don't even carry my cellphone around anymore. I just stay here stuck to a drawing pad all day. I need to be out there.

Until next time, good fight, good night.

Busy

It's been a turbulent week and I can just say that I am glad things are over for now. I feel a lot better than I did at the start of all this. Right now I'm cleaning and waiting to grab a bite to eat at the cafe! I'll try to get to this more some later on this weekend.

Goodnight

I'm sick again, I just woke up and its 4 AM, I don't know why I can't sleep right. Today has been full of ups and downs and it was a friends birthday, I only wish I could have sent her something or even been there for her. I feel like right now no one cares about anyone else, people forget a girl's bithday, a girl who by all means deserves far greater things, another friend is hurt and her friends blame her because she didn't want to be with a guy she didn't love. She's saving hherself and that guy heartache in the long run by breaking it off now, and when I left her this comment:

You might be right, you might just love him in a different way, there's really nothing wrong with that, you can't make yourself love someone, no matter how perfect they are being to you. Love has to just happen and when you love someone as a friend and they want more its hard to keep lying to yourself, you'll be around them and still feel like you shoudln't have crossed that barrier or maybe even like you're doing something wrong. And while its not wrong the feeling just lingers.

Now granted I don't know much about you or this guy, but I'm just trying to tell you what it could be. It could be something different, a chemical imbalance or something, or it could even stem from you thinking that you don't deserve something good like this. You even mentioned that you think you didn't.

Look don't worry about what others say, you do deserve all of this, you're such a great person and so nice and kind. Not to mention beautiful. You helped me out so much when I was feeling down and I'm thankful for it. Now you have to do what is right for you, ****.

Search really hard, if you believe that you don't love him the same way you have to tell him. Any true friend will understand. I know I've heard it from girls several times and I don't get mad at them or lose friends over it. But be careful don't let your doubts tell you that you don't deserve to love him, because you do.

I know all of this must be hard to sort out, I hope you're back to who you want to be soon. Even if you find out its not exactly the same as you were. It's was always fun talking to you on messenger. Even when you weren't having the best day I could somehow just tell you were smiling.

I just felt like she needed to know that others can't dictate her behavior, just like in Clerks they say that status does not dictate behavior. It's true, she shouldn't have to date this guy just because she and he look good together or any of that other high school drama bullshit.

I may be depressed still, but I know how to defend myself, I know how I can help some people out too. Other's well they can just go to Hell. I don't need to go into all of that. Have you ever had a dream and woke up not remembering it? Well I did and all I can remember is pain. Somethng bad is coming, I don't know why. I've never thought one of my dreams was real before. But this left me in so much pain I can feel it still, even awake. Only thing is what the hell was that dream?

I can't be sure, but I will say this, after an awkward thank you helping someone out, what would have been a bad day just got up a bit on the day-o-meter.

What's the worst that I could say? Things are better if I stay. So long and goodnight, so long and goodnight.

The Way We Were

I need to try to get back into using this thing, I've been so busy in my own thoughts and emotions that I really haven't had time to do anything else but think. I mean I do get a lot of drawing in, and I mean alot. It's practically all I have been doing. But I need to get back to how I used to be, I need to start writing again, I need to start going to bed and getting up on time. Today was one of those days where you just kind of did things because they were there to do.

I kind of wished that something would come along, that I would hear from someone maybe or that there would be some kind of real conflict. Life here has been boring and I'm tired of hearing the same old things over and over again. Really the highlight of my day was when Mandi returned my call and I got to talk to her.

She really is the only person that left here last year that I miss, she was like the only person I could go to for comfort after Allison left. Then Allison is leaving next year, which sucks because she really just got back and she is the last person I really trust around here.

I hope that I find someone else I can talk to and hang out with on that same level. Its hard to really take people seriously around here. People are so rude, so quick to forget things you've done for them and who you are. Talking to Mandi made me realize what I miss, having somewhere I could go and just sit and have someone to talk to. Someone that would talk about things going on with them and make me feel better no matter what. Allison kind of does that, but its hard to find her and she's hardly every home unless she's watching tv.

I think tomorrow unless its a very few certian people I will just not answer the phone. I really don't feel like dealing with others. It'd be best to just keep to myself and that's it. I'm starting to wonder if I am really meant to deal with people, I'm not good at it.

Tired of This Shit

It's so hard dealing with people, everyone has this need to be untruthful, people are so cowardly. Rather than say, Hey I'm not interested in you, or You're just not my type They would rather make up stories or ignore you. I think its bullshit having to deal with people only to have them lie to you all of the time. It hurts more than not being able to find someone, not having them be truthful at all.

This is why no one trusts anyone anymore, this is why people can't get along, because everyone is afraid to confess to anything, everyone is afraid to say things like, I would just rather be alone right now. This girl approached me on campus about hanging out some time, suddenly she's not answering calls or IMs, and when she does she keeps telling me to meet her here and there at this time or that, but then she doesn't pick up the next day or show up.

It's like, fuck you, if you can't be counted on to pick up the phone or when I talk to you provide a better excuse than my phone was on vibrate, then you're not worth the time. You had to look at your phone sometime during the day, right? There's really just two girls here I'm even interested in, one of them's really artsy and she and I haven't talked much since she was home during the whole Rita bit.

She has an excuse, I talked to her today and yeah I understand that, although I think she's not interested, but I can't always tell. The girl who I talked about from the campus, I sent her a message on my space, she never answered and claimed that she uses face book more. So I used that to send the next one, and she never answered that either. I saw that she was online, IMed her, no reply. I don't know who people think they are that they can have you go somewhere to meet them and not show up.

If you don't want to meet someone be damn sure not to ask them to meet you somewhere, its not like I asked. I find myself wanting to be around more people, but scared to even approach them because I just see another oppurtunity to be let down. The only person that I really find myself looking foward to hang out with a lot is Allison and I really only see her a few times a week. I'd be content to sit in this room and just go to class, to not have to interact with others or deal with half of the people that I deal with on a daily basis. Okay well I wouldn't call it content, but I would call it okay. I want to be around other people, I really do but they don't seem to work as I'd like them to any of the time. I go out and I just see people hanging out together and I wonder how can I be happy like that?

Why can't I?

I know all of this might sound petty to you or it might sound like I'm being childish about this. Everyone's seen those little emails that get sent around about the kind of things that girls want, then you see the bullshit guys that girls are dating right. Don't send chain letters, especially if you don't believe in them. I'm tired of seeing that shit in my email box, let alone hearing girls talk about how they want all of that stuff when they date someone who is the exact opposite of what they want.

Men may be trash that talk about women in a bad way, but at least they don't cover it up with little emails, bullitens and chain letters about how looks don't matter, its about a good mind and kindness. Most guys know that's a lie, some of them will date total bitches if they have big breasts. I'm just tired of people in general. I'm going to go.

I can tell you guys really like that picture and all, I don't know why.

Well update, its category 3 now and my dad decided to go home and make sure the house was fine. If i had the gas I'd go back and check on him, but this city, even though we're 300 miles from real danger, is out of water, gas, milk and bread. So it sucks to be here. I went out with Allison to Starbucks today and she's really fed up with the storm, I think she's kind of right. People panic too easily, I mean we're in the damn desert and people here are rushing out and buying up food as if the powers going to go out, its a 30% chance of rain here for Christ's sake.

I feel bad for the people that stayed in New Orleans, they're back under the damn water again. Did anyone read the book Ground Zero, its an X-Files novel and there was something in there really cool. They dropped a nuclear bomb on the edge of the eye of a hurricane and it messed it up so bad. I'm sure that it would work in some way. We have roughly 30 thousand nukes in the world although its not safe to drop them. But something like enough regular bombs could offset it enough to mess it over. I don't mean every storm needs this, but the ones like category four and five could be stopped this way.

Oh, in other, news, not that it matters that much, I'm sick. I think I got it from my roommate. And it really sucks. I'm afraid to hang out with others because of it.

Well I better get off here, there's something going on outside, like 15 ambulances passed by on the freeway, need to go check it out!

Rita...Oh Noes!

I did a search for Rita and this came up:

It's Rita, Oh noes!

Hurricane

I retract my statment about wanting to go see this storm, futhermore, I have to say Galveston is severly fucked.

Shimmer

She calls me from the cold just when I was low, feeling short of stable. All that she intends and all she keeps inside isn't on the label. She says she's ashamed can she take me for awhile, can I be a friend? We'll forget the past or maybe I'm not able. And I break at the bend. We're here and now, will ever be again? 'Cause I have found all that shimmers in this world is sure to fade away again.

Well I better say something about this, looks like Houston's about to get pummeled by a Hurricane, most likely going to be a category 3 by the time it gets there and while the city of Houston, my house included should be dandy through all of this, I know Galveston will probably not. They started manditory evac today at 6 AM.

I thought about going back there to see this, to see the storm, yeah I know it sounds dumb but its like I just want to see what everyone is so scared of. I am confident I can drive in the thing, I've driven in one before and did just fine. And while the car back then was bigger I should be able to do this with my car now. But don't worry I know better than to go back to Houston.

I talked to the girl I got to model for me, I'll explain that in a second, she lives in Angleton, which is about forty minutes from Galveston Island. She was so scared, I talked to her and calmed her down, told her I would call her to say I told you so. I mean most of the time when these things come in the fun head first into New Orleans, because that's just Hurrican behavior. I think it would be better if the damn thing just sat at sea and spun itself to death.

But all we can do is pray and wait, you know, wait and pray. Things will turn out for the best in the end. Allison asked me if its the end of the world, I told her not just yet, there's still too much shit to do. Plus the last time Houston got its ass kicked by a storm we had a two hour warning this time we have a while, we'll be ready.

Now about this model, I asked Elaine, a friend of mine of myspace to model for me, she's unbeliveable gorgeous and even sweeter. She was one of the first people I met when I got on myspace and she is probably the best looking girl that has been on my list ever. I talked to her about it some, she was like You're going to make me famous huh? I really hope so, cause that would mean I was famous too. I must be a good photographer, but really it comes just as natural as writing to me. I can't wait to try out some stuff now that I have my own model. I see so many nice pictures on deviant art that people take of their models, a lot of them are nudes, I'm not doing that, but these will be equally as nice!

The gulf between male and female is deeper than the biggest ocean

The gulf between male and female is deeper than the biggest ocean.

Something I read today let me know, let me understand that I will never truly understand women, I will never be able to figure them out. I will never be closer to understand them than I am right now, but I don't have to understand to love someone and yes I still believe in love. Any dumb thing I might have said during all of these last few months about not being sure, something showed me its still out there.

I can't say just what, but I can say that I do believe, and I'm stronger for what happened this summer, sure its not all over, this is the begining. It's just like it says above, deeper than the biggest oceans, we've never even explored the deepest ocean here. And the thing is, how can you understand women, how can they understand men, when neither of us understands ourselves?

I once told someone very important to me, Men are easy, women are the ones who are hard. I was so wrong and I apologize, men are not easy, no people are easy or simple to figure out. Even the most shallow person on the surface is a deep multilayered being. And now I see how wrong I can be. I see how much I can read into something.

I learned so much over the summer, I learned people actually will be interested in things I do if I take time to at least talk about myself, I learned some other things too that I'm too tired to list out. I just know that I have hope that in the end things will work out for the best.

But now I had some things to talk about, I've started a new story with made up characters...it's going to be the shit. I just wanted to say that. I don't know why, no one on here reads my stories anyway, I never give them out. But I do have this to say, I've been drawing my ass off and the story came from one of the idea I had when I was drawing.

Last week was a blur, Allison's birthday has come and gone, CJ and I hung out alot, and I did something I have not done in a long time, I played a videogame all the way through. When it was done I was like, what the fuck, I actually did that. It reminded me of Junior High. I miss those times, I think that was the last time I was mostly happy for any amount of time longer than a month.

Oh and they booted my car, it is so bad ass...not really. It's going to be 345$ to pay the tickets, 75 for the boot removal and 108 for the permit. I was like this is fucking ridculous, why don't they include the parking permit in the fee for tuition. I know, not everyone has a car, but they include the gymn fees and less people go to the gym then have a car. Oh well, I'll pay it tomorrow.

I need to go now, have drawings I promised people.

A Brand New Day (Nothing New)

There's nothing new going on here really, I just stayed up all night and I am about to hit the sack for a little nap so that I can grab a bite to eat later before the on campus cafe closes.

I just watching Advent Children, that's why I'm up, I had to insert the subtitles myself and it took me a while to figure it out, but my overwhelming want to see that movie won out and it was worth every second of it. Watching it I learned something, or realized something I hadn't before.

We all spend so much time trying to live up to something, something that we don't even want half of the time. We do something because our parents want us to, our girlfriends and boyfriends want us to, but how often do you really do something without any stigma attached? How often do you do something for yourself?

The main character in the movie fought for a person he loved that had died, when it came time to fight again he had lost most of the drive to do anything. Aren't we like that when we don't fight for ourselves, when we don't know what we even want. If fighting for someone else makes you happy, then do it, but you don't always have to live up to someone to be happy. Great people fall because they do something great and spend their entire lives trying to live up to that thing and top it.

I said something earlier that I might need to repeat, most masterpieces are not forced. They're not bound by just what the creator wanted everyone to think and see as the masterful part of it, they're great and timeless because people of all walks and life throughout all time can see something there.

I don't really know why I'm writing all of this, I don't think there's anyone to read this anymore, I guess the only reason is because I'm still here. A few days ago I was ready to either start a new blog and close this one down, or just stop with the blogging completely. A lot of things have happened in the year this blog has been up, but I think that the good things written about in here need to be remembered and the bad things need to serve as a lesson. So this blog stays up and this blog will continue to exist until I get married, at which time I'll start a new one. I will keep this thing running because it's a document of me as an adult for the first few years. Out here alone, and I'm starting to see just how alone sometimes.

Well, I'm dog tired, I deserve a napper. I have so much to tell you all about this week, but it'll have to wait for another day, which thankfully will come for this blog.

UPDATE: It pains me to say, but Autumn and I seem to have come to the same Y in the road and she choose the other path, she's decided to stop doing her blog September's Girl. All I have to say is she will be missed and although I know I can talk to her online, it won't be the same as seeing that page I've come to love over the last few months. I guess out of the group we started with, just me, Amanda and Twinks are left. And I still have Emily and Candice around. Man, everyone's leaving... makes me wonder about the day I write my farewell message...

My links will remain unchanged as a tribute to what there once was...

Dropping By

Haven't written in this in a while. But I just like to touch bases and stuff, you know. I'm glad to hear that Twinks is better first off, and to see Amanda back and writing again. There's not much going on with me, although I did meet a girl. Now she and I ate together like twice and she's pretty nice. We talked some on the internet today too, it really sucked though because I asked her to come to the movies with us and she had to decline because of homework.

We went and saw the Corpse Bride, Sneak Preview, go see that movie, it is bad ass! I think the most amazing thing is that it took ten years to make, holy hell. Tim Burton is a zany dude, he went off on that movie. Depp did a great job as always and there's nothing really disappointing about this. I liked it alot. I also saw the tailer for the fourth harry potter movie, I am no Harry Potter fan, but I have to go see this one. It looks so bad-ass. Well I think that's all I really have to say now, I've been drawing as usual, if anything extra special comes up I'll drop you guys a link.

Pray

I don't have much to say today, but I'd just like everyone to pray for Juliet and Twinks right now, Juliet is going through some hard times and Twinks is sick and she doesn't know why. I hope that they both get better soon, I don't know what else to say, I've got nothing, so I'll just go.

No Answer

It's been almost a month now, and I don't know what to say, I don't have an answer and its been bothering me in the back of my mind, why won't she talk to me? Does she even read this thing anymore? Does she even care? She seemed to care so much before. And right now I'm not ready to trust anyone anymore. It's been an okay week, I've made new friends here and I've gotten a chance to hang out with someone I didn't see for so long, making up for lost time with Allison.

But always in the back of my mind, there's always the question why.

I don't want to get long winded tonight, I'm tired and I have class in the morning. So I better go.

My New Wife

I have someone here I would like everyone to meet:

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I found her at Your The Man Now Dawg.com, someone posted that she was the hottest girl ever, they weren't joking. She is very close to it. I wanted to cry when I saw. And look, she even has plaid on, perfect. Have I explained to everyone that I have this new found love for plaid. I don't know what it is about the fabric, but it makes everything better. I saw a girl in plaid stockings today and it was nice...

But I degress. Tomorrow I will be playing taxi and driving my freshmen to the shitty capital of Texas, Austin. They want to go there for something, probably girl stuff. But I will go and just hope that I get back in time to see a movie with Allison tomorrow night. I really enjoy hanging out with her, it just makes me feel better after all that's happened.

Sorry about the quickie today, but there's just not much to say. Oh, I have a new picture up at this addy, oh screw it, I'll just post it.

Jamie

This is a drawing of definitionofblonde, she comments here sometimes, she's such a cutie and a sweetheart. Thanks to her for being my little subject for this drawing!

Shig

DUE TO THE OVERWHELMING JEWING OF MY BANDWIDTH, SHIG HAD TO BE PLACED INSIDE OF A LINK, SORRY FOR THE INCONVIENCE.

Ladies and Gentlemen...Shig

Days Like These

Well this might be the first time in a while that I actually write something substantial in this damn thing, I'd like to for one thing apologize for not keeping up with my friends blogs around here. I have been kind of indisposed lately and its been hard for me to get on and read and respond all of the time. Don't worry, I will try to catch up.

Today was hectic, Not much really hapened until about 4 pm when I got a text from Allison that her purse had been stolen. I felt really bad so I went out and got her some flowers and a new purse. I feel like she's the only person around here I can really compare things with and talk about to when stuff is happening. Everyone else seems to be unconcerned but she really listens, so when she's not doing well or there's some problem I feel like I just need to give something in return.

You have to imagine how I felt carrying a purse around inside of the store, a man with a purse. I felt so odd that I went and grabbed a basket and a couple of other things to balance the purse out. I was really just trying to hide it but there were some things that I needed to grab from the store. Most of it was just drinks, I haven't had cokes in this place that I could drink in ages.

So when I got back from the store with all of the stuff she wasn't at home, but just as I went to walk off from the door of her place I ran into her and went inside for a bit. There was a big Stargate marathon on that she wanted to watch so I sat and watched it with her until it started to rain. It's been so long since I've seen rain, I mean good hard rain. We went out in it and ran around, played some and got wet just for the hell of it.

We ended up talking over to my place so she could get the flowers, they were in a cup to help them keep. We got here so soaked that we were practically wet from head to toe. We had just been kind of silly with it, but it was fun. Probably the first time I've felt really okay in a long time. We dried off when we got here and covered up in blankets on the couch to finish the marathon over here. She had to go around 11 because she had an early class. But today felt really good. Here's to days like this and the hope that there will be many more.

I meant to link to this art account yesterday, but I didn't so here it is.

Sorry About This

This weekend was eventful to say the least, my parents succeeded in being their usually annoying selves, but I did get to go see my nieces and nephew and that made it worth while. For those who don't know I've been drawing a lot and their all posted here. Feel free to check them out and give me some feedback. Oh and Autumn I never got to do that drawing for you, I was away all weekend.

I know this blog hasn't been getting the attention that it used to, but things aren't happening like they used to.

Here I Am...

I have been doing a lot of thinking, about a lot of things. I have come to several conclusions. Which have brought me to several more questions. Does everyone go through this? I just want out...

I have special news for a few of you, but IM me about it.

The Safety of Routine

I have to say that things around here have been getting odd. I'm just starting to realize that I am back at school and things are really starting to kick in. Although its not that late as I write this, I will say that today was a total bust. I just sat around. I wish I could have gotten out to do something but I have no gas. It's just getting to cost too much. I waited for Allison to call so we could go to the mall and maybe take these pictures. But she never did.

Now I'm just bored here, I colored a nice little drawing of Kinsey that I did a little while back. It came out pretty well and I guess that's one thing that doesn't make this day a total waste. Strange thing, I'm around people all day long and I see them day in and day out. I think I'm just ready for a change. I might just go out and wander about tonight. It's starting to get cool enough that I can do that.

It's a crazy thing, someone really dear to me said a lot of the things that are happening now would and I'm still shocked. I'm still reeling from the realization at how predictable others are. I could sit back here and name off all of the things that are going on. I don't agree with a lot of things so I just keep my mouth shut and move along. Hell I don't agree with half of the things people do. But I think my ideals about what should happen are much more harsh normally.

Many of the things I really wanted to see happen this year don't seem like they'll be able to take place. I don't really know what makes me think that. I just do.

I was talking with a friend earlier tonight and he and I were talking about how we want girls that actually do things, that have lives and hobbies and all of that other good stuff. I don't want a girl that just kind of sits around and has no interests. They have to do something.

We were talking about a girl that he liked that was in dating this firemen and she hated how the guy treated her. But she wouldn't break up with him. Part of the reason why was because she just wanted to date a fireman. Well I came to the realization that to a man, it doesn't really matter what a woman does for a living. I mean of course there are the occasional exceptions to the rule, I wouldn't want to date a striper. But for the most part, men don't look at a girl and say, Oh, can't date her, she's just a waitress.

If I'm attracted to a waitress I'll date one. For men it seems to matter more what a woman can do. Can she cook? Can she manage her time well? Does she have what it takes to be good with children? These are all just things that seem to hinge on gender roles. At the same time, women seem to want men that have better jobs and can take care of them. Or that have jobs that bring a low level of prestige. Firemen have gotten this aura of being sexy. Especially since September eleventh. I'm not saying this to be sexist, this is just what I observe.

So what would I like to find in a woman? Well I'm starting to think someone not so much like me would be nice to hang out with. I mean that way we're not constantly agreeing and doing the same things. I have seen couples that spend all of their time doing the same things, and just being glued together at the side and it's sickening. I know its not good to define a relationship based on what others will see of you, but I think that the kind of thing I am talking about cannot be healthy.

Things have been real crazy, before I hung out with Eddie tonight I met Shana and her roommate to just talk. Her roommates name was Amanda and she was really pretty. I think she might be someone I'm interested in getting to know better. There seem to be a lot of girls I am running into that I would like to get to know better. At this time last year I was kind of in this same place. I felt a little something for more than one girl, and unfortunately I chose the wrong one to try and go for. I miss how last year Shana and I would hang out all of the time and just have so much fun. I miss that because it was one of those things that wasn't arranged like by some kind of schedule but it just became routine. I need to find a routine for this year.