I Am Jack's Dark Cloud.

Well I just got back from over at Neemo's things seemed to have returned to something like normal around here, for the most part. Although I have yet to see Allison, its hard for me to think about much else because she's someone that I really feel like seeing before I have to leave, even just for these two months. And I know that there are things that I want to come back and be part of, like when she goes to see Rent, I'm not big on musicals, but I think I might actually enjoy that.

Or I want to be here to give her a Chrsitmas gift, something really special. I feel like there's so much I want to say still to so many people, but right now there's just something odd floating around in my head, I talked to my roommate and he just felt that I wouldn't be coming back here or that something would change. It scares me because I want everyone else to stay the way they are now, I don't want them changing, and already I can see it happening. I keep telling myself, as long as she stays the same, everything is okay.

Who remembers me quoting the line about as long as nothing hurts you, I'll be fine. It brings me to tears thinking about something bad happening to certain friends, or even thinking about not being able to go visit Allison. We've gotten closer than we were last year, back then I thought the world of her, I never knew she considered me such a good friend. I never seem to know anything though.

Tonight I started a portrait, it will be the best I have ever done, it will be the sweetest thing I've ever drawn and it will have meaning. I will put all of me into this and it will work out the way I want. I rarely say these things, but I am saying them now. I don't think its me being confident as much as it's me putting my foot down and finally saying that I am going to take my time, I am not going to rush and I will do the job right.

Is that so much to ask for?

Earlier tonight I walked over to Neemo's with the intent to borrow some masking tape, when they told me they had none I asked them, What kind of art majors don't have freaking masking tape? I think I knew deep down no one there would have it, I think I just wanted to go see everyone, I just wanted to talk with them and sit, and pick on Neemo, its just that I don't want to act like this is tearing me up inside, I don't want everyone worrying or hurt over this. I feel like I might have made Allison feel sad already and I know that when I see her, I might cry, these pills—kind of make me emotional. But I don't want her thinking I'm some kind of sap.

I'm just going to really miss her and everyone else, it seems like, yeah I know, depression is going to get a lot harder with out her and the others around, a lot harder before it gets better.