Well it has been an interesting day, I'm starting to wonder about things that are going on around here. But I'll get to it after I talk about how the whole medication thing is going. I have been started on Paxil, or how ever you spell it. And the stuff really messes me up. I get sleep and dizzy and all manner of other stuff.
Well I have been taking them for like two days and it's strange for me to have to take medication. It's like me on medicine. That hardly happens, even when they give it to me for little infections and things like that. So for me to be on real daily pills is just unheard of.
And this is my last week at school for this semester, I have been told to go on medical leave, I hate the idea because I have to leave people behind, most of all I'm going to miss Allison, but then I guess this is for the best. I really know that in the end things will work out right.
Well I am tired and losing concentration, thank you for the kind comment Kay, but we're pretty sure I don't have cancer. I want you and everyone to know that. I did still get a blood test and it didn't hurt at all really, I felt proud and the nurse even gave me a kiss on the cheek because she said I was being brave. I think that's funny. It was the first time I ever had blood drawn. I do have to say something because I understand what your saying, when faced with death or anything daunting you can be made a better person. I don't know if I'll ever really be a better person, but thank you for keeping me in your prayers.
I do know that I am faced with something right now, something that can either eat me up or that I can stand up to and go somewhere. Depression, they say it's one of the most treatable forms of mental illness, then why the hell do I know so many people who struggle so hard with it? Why is it so blatantly there and in your face? Something isn't right there, something doesn't add up. I'm scared still, scared that there might be nothing I can do, scared that in all of my trying to help others I really over looked myself and let myself get too far gone. I don't know how to deal with myself being in trouble, I don't even know what caused me to feel this way.
Kay, I really don't know how to respond to what you said. I never thought that I stopped talking to you, if you think that, I didn't mean to and I'm sorry about it. Maybe there was just some kind of trouble with communication or something. I don't know what is going on half of the time anyway. I didn't comment on your blogs because I didn't know if you wanted me to, and then when you commented on mine I planned on commenting on yours, but then what do you say to a girl who had a friend killed in war? I don't have the words to make that better, I don't know how to talk to someone who's upset. Oration has never been my strong suit and the words to help anyone never come to mind. I just spent an hour the day before that telling another friend not to worry about her boy friend going to Iraq because it would be okay.
I'm really sorry about your loss, but everyone knows I'm not one to console anyone, I think I make things worse by trying. I've read your blog almost every day since August and yes I know that might seem kind of weird, me not leaving a comment. Next time I'm around your blog I will leave one. Right now I am dizzy and sleepy, and I need to head out.
This next week is going to be about me trying to see people that I might not get to see again for two months. I guess this is me making up for not really having much of a summer. But I know that if I don't spend at least one day alone with Allison I'm going to be mad, we really haven't had time to hang out much. And I miss my friend, well I better get going before I get to the rambling and it never ends. I'll be around more later.
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