I Am Jack's Attempt To Work Himself Out...

This is not my usual plate of things I serve up, this isn't what I would usually call an entry or what I would usually talk about. There's nothing wrong with something about some certain little group of people that I'm just going to openly discuss today. There's something wrong with me, the kind of thing that won't be fixed in conseuling, the kind of thing that you have to have courage and heart to persue. Someone I've kept close to my heart for a little over a year now has come to the point that I'm not sure what is wrong with me.

I can't say much more right now, I don't know if I will ever speak more on this subject. And I know, all of this cloak and dagger stuff is not like me, all of this sneaking and hiding is not something that I would usually go about doing and stuff, but I need to keep this to me, I need the keep the numbers of people that know to the minimum. I need to keep this from getting out because when things like this do they cause me more trouble than good.

I am running over things in my mind, I am driving the thoughts home through an intense grilling and testing to see if they stand true to what could be the best case scenario. I awoke at six this morning on my back on the floor, I had only slept just over fifteen minutes and I was jostled back into this world by a dream. I can't tell what the dream was, it was like visions of light and water that streamed through my conciousness but there was something tangible there too, something whole. Friday was the best day ever, it has done devastating damage to the days gone by and it has been crowned the king of all days only to be dethroned by something of greater value

I was shaking when I awoke, my mind was ricocheting off the walls of my skull like a trick shooters stray bullet, it was out of control and I actually started to shake. There's so much going on under the surface, I am so afraid to share. Even with the person I trust most even with the people I see day to day and the people I live with and the people I have grown to really enjoy.

There is something more to all of this. I was told something that night to which I could not truthfully respond, I lied I had to because I knew that even if I told the truth, it would be a lie to the other person. It would be a lie in their eyes because they didn't know the meaning of it all. It stung me hard, it had set me on the course and I couldn't just roll over and sleep after that, I had to think about it, dream about it.

I shake when I think about it, almost as much as I did when it happened, I laid there, on the side of my bed, even in tears a for a while. What the hell do I do? I mean really what am I supposed to say to something like that, what do I say, do I lie and make it seem alright, ignore it? What? My mind wouldn't let me fall asleep, and the shaking worsened so I got up and grabbed a bottle of water from the fridge and my glass, I drank some and laid down. No effect. I would have done anything to stop the toughts, ram a wall, hang out the window till my fear of heights caused me to recoil in fear like some kind of flesh yo-yo dangling about the cold waters of a toilet.

I wanted to freak, but quietly it would have to be. I wanted to run outside and just find some cigarettes, I don't smoke anymore. I only did for like six months and in that time I think I smoked one whole pack. I'm freaking out about it and there's nothing I can say, there's nothing I can do that will be easy for everyone.

So there, there it is, I was down not because of thearpy or something stupid my dad yelled at me about, I was down because I can't go on this way. I was down because I wanted to tell you the truth and the lie, but I took the coward way out and did neither. So there it is, over and done. I'll never know if I did damage or not, I'll never know what I had to do with this. All I know is ten hours on a plane, sheer embarassment of myself, I would brave it all.

I love you too