I was suppopsed to get a blood test last night but it won't happen until today now, I'm so scared. I'm scared that I ruined everything, school, my social life and that I might even be going insane. A lot of the things my symptoms according to my mom sound like it could be any number of things in cluding a tumor, I have to check and see she said. I'm frigtened. I'm not the one who gets sick. Never spent a day in the hospital in my life. I've always been in good health.
I'm not ready to go, I'm not even willing to accept it, yet it doesn't matter. It could be true. I had no idea how scary things could be. I mean the way I am now, how could I even make it in the world. I hate it, I try and be brave, I do something I'm afraid of and then suddenly here comes a new thing to face. One that has no tangible shape or form but just is.
Last night I told Allison everything, I told her how I felt and she didn't hate me or want me gone, as a matter of a fact she was worried about losing her only friend. I think finding out about getting a blood test gave me the courage to actually tell her. If I'm going to have to get an operation or die or something, I want her to know that someone loves her.
I liked it better when the problems I had with school were simple laziness, now blood tests and doctors come int everything and I want out, I hate the hospital, I hate it and that I couldn't do this right. In the Emergency room last night I tried to be brave and to joke around, but I was so scared. I can only hide behind sarcasm so long. Anyone who says their not scared is a fool, even when you believe in God you have a natural want to stay alive. And I do want to be here, I've found out that I'm actually worth something.
I think a while ago I might have told you that I was worthless and that if I was never around it would affect no one and maybe less people would get hurt. I know now that there's at least one person I help around here. That's more than enough to make sticking around worth it.
I guess on the bright side, the emergency room allowed me to see someone I haven't run across since eight grade, Keena Caldwell, a girl I was best friends with way back then. We talked for a while, she was sick too. Its odd how I have been to so many waiting rooms, but never for me. I'm always so uncomfortable in them because I have no idea how to act, there's sick people here, can I even smile. For the first time I may be the sick people. It's a new feeling, one that I don't like.
2 comments:
cancer, geting sick, hospitals, they can all be really scary things. but if you let yourself take a deep breath and look around you, youll see that there are some amazing people with some amazing stories, and they all know what you are going through.
yeah, cancer changes your life, but often for the better. you learn whats important, you learn how to prioritize, and you learn not to waste your time. you tell people you love them. if it wasn't for the downside, having cancer would be the best thing you could have and everyone would want it. if it wasnt for the downside.
just remember, stay strong, keep fighting, and dont forget to pray.
but most importantly, just breathe...
your in my prayers.
Alright websoftware, keep you bullshit off your blog!
Thank you for the kind comment Kay, but we're pretty sure I don't have cancer. I do have to say, I understand what your saying, when faced with death or anything daunting you can be made a better person. I don't know if I'll ever really be a better person, but thank you for keeping me in your prayers.
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