I am Jack's Overdue Anger

There is really so much going on that I don’t think I want to go into it all. I know I never mentioned this when I wrote the last entry. I guess back then it just seemed like it would be a one day thing, and at most I would be done with it by Saturday. Well things always catch us by surprise.

Shortly after dropping Cassie off at her house on Tuesday when I was coming home my car broke down and I was forced to wait outside for my brother to get there and then we were forced to wait for a wrecker, one of the gears under the hood came off and the thing controls power steering, coolant and the cars ability to recharge its battery as it drives.

The dealership, where we had to get it fixed promised it would be done Friday or Monday, I wanted to be out of this place Saturday, if it had been done Friday I wouldn’t have cared and would have been on my merry way.

Now its Monday night, and the same guy at the same dealership is saying tomorrow. I should have been on the road no later than tomorrow, I should have been on the road like nowish but I’m still here in Manvel, Texas without even a car to get me out of this hell hole. The only thing worse than having to be here is not being able to leave.

Right now I just really miss having my own space, I’m going to go back and work hard at finding a job because there are things I want, there are things I want to do and I know now that I can’t do them here with my parents. I can’t even live in this place more than a weekend or I get sick. Its like you get soaked in something and you just can’t get it off until you’re out of it.

I can’t even type on this thing effectively, I can’t run the air I can’t leave to visit friends, I can’t even be treated like and adult. And when I ask them why they treat me like this they say because I’m depressed and because I’m on medication. The other night my mom called me when I was out and told me I should be in bed by now, it wasn’t even 10:30 and I’m nineteen years old. Who says? Who says I should be in bed by now? I wasn’t in bed by that time most nights three years ago! Why should I do that now?

I’m tired of the questions, especially from people who I know that if I started going into any detail with that they would zone out or just talk over me. I don’t want you asking how I am if you’re not really interested because even if you are I’m probably not interested in telling you. And if I am then I will want to talk about it, I will come to you. There are those of you out there who know I talk to you about stuff, others may have just stumbled upon this and not know what’s going on.

Here’s the gist of it: I’m stuck at home, a place that I hate, my parents are being none to supportive about my depression right now, I’m kind of at a loss as what to do next and I’m just ready to have my car fixed and be back in San Antonio, besides, a five hour drive will do me some good, a little bit of alone time to think and the like.

Right now I have to go, I have things to do, I should be back in San Antonio tomorrow, until then goodnight.

I Am Jack's Pre Thanksgiving Blogging Make-up...

Since I wrote in this last, it has been far too long, almost half of a month has passed and a lot more has happened. I'm not sure if I should try and catch you up on all of it or if I should just go on as if things just start today and whatever came before is not there, is not what happened.

Right now I am over at my brother’s house, let me try and do a brief run through of what’s happened since I last wrote in here. Well I decided that I had a crush on a girl, a friend at the school, I thought out what to do about it, and I asked her out, she liked someone else, so that was a no go. Then there’s what’s been going on with me personally around here, I have been drawing a lot, been really sick too.

That’s all I’ve been really doing here, the day before yesterday I decided that I would go home early for the Holidays to avoid traffic, I asked a friend if she wanted to catch a ride and she told me sure, her name’s Cassie I don’t think I’ve mentioned her before. Well it was good to have someone to talk to in the car on the way back because that drive alone would have been boring as hell and I’m thinking about waiting around for her to be ready to go back just so I can take her back with me.

Besides my brother and his kids and wife I haven’t seen any of my family yet, you know I hate this holiday most of all, especially this year I don’t have much to be thankful for, I don’t really have my health, which is the one thing I could claim in past years, I’ve got nobody, I’ve got the massive writers block and some other stuff going on I would rather not mention.

All in all I can pull the old, I’m thankful for life which hey, is crap because anyone who is standing around the house that day can say that one. As far as I know there’s no zombies showing up this year. But I kind of wish there was because with 80 annoying family members around you need something to take the edge off.

Well what I can say I am thankful for, without a doubt, is the good friends I have left! Everyone have a happy thanksgiving.

I Am Jack's "Tragic History of Love"

Now there's some things I'd like to go over, first off, for those of you reading this on deviant art I have decided to edge my way back into writing and do something a little special for you all, I am going to work up a story, something in short parts, to post on deviant art.

Granted, this might have to be in html, it depends on how deviant art acts towards the thing. But here's some basic info, the first story will be titled A Tragic History of Love and it will star characters from the rest of my stories. I hope to see you all checking it out!

Now for the rest of what's going on, today was not so good day, but I really don't feel like going into it right now. I feel like I can't go long without more stuff piling itself on the fire. But there is good news, its cold! Aren't you all so happy? Not only is it cold but my room is clean and that's a real rarity.

I guess tomorrow I have to look forward to the cold weather and some free time somewhere to write! Well I better get going, I have to clear my bed off before I can sleep, I'll be writing in this thing again very soon.

I Am Jack's Change In Pace.

I apologize for the recent lack of updates to this blog, I really haven't had much to say, what do you say really when you don't understand half of what's going on yourself? But I really wouldn't like to go into the same old things again here, its getting kind of tired and I have other thingsq going on anyway.

For one I talked with Allison about she and I, and we're still friends and nothing more. She explained to me that she's not going to be dating anyone for a while and when I asked if I should wait for her she said that she just didn't want a relationship of any kind. I really have to commend her on actually telling me the truth, last time I went through all of this I went out on a date and found out after that the gir lhad no intention of considering me for anything other than what ever the hell we were.

In other going ons I went home this weekend and saw the movie Jarhead finally, I loved it, the whole thing was just perfect. I think it was Jake and Fox's best performances that I have ever seen. I really don't have a bunch of analytical stuff to say about this, but I do have to say that if you haven't seen it, I would go, its well worth the money!

Well I really need to get going, I have more drawing to do, if you want to check me out at deviant art, my screen name there is ctk86.

I Am Jack's Revelation

It would seem like things hurt more than we first thing sometimes, I don't know why that is, or what any of these means. But I just need a time out, I'm afraid now, and I'm not sure what I should be afraid of. Things must have a way of righting themselves, am I right? How long does it take to kick in?

I Am Jack's Hedgehog Delimna

I'm too scared that I'm going to mess up, I keep circulating the same thoughts in my head again and again and I keep coming back to the same conclusion, There is no way in Hell that things will work out in your favor. I look around and I just see how lucky some of the others are, I know that they wouldn't think it was anything special or that they had anything that great half of the time. But they do, they take it for granted.

Right now I should be sleep, sleep or drawing, instead I'm sitting here again, picking my brain. Nikki told me not to sit and dwell on it, but it calls me to, it begs me to dwell on it. And I come back to the same things, I mean why can't we just talk and explain to one another what's going on, what's the matter with it?

It's really something that I've talked about in a blog before, the whole hedgehog's delimna thing. Fear of getting too close to another for fear of getting hurt. That's how I understand it, that's what it is. Someone you are close to can do far more damage than someone not, and its not that I expect this from this person, but its also not like I haven't been unsuspecting of it before when it got thrown right in my face. What makes my hunches different this time, what makes this better?

Well I can say that I think hope makes this better, hope that I can depend on someone in this world, and hope that even if things are to continue as they are that they can continue to not be awkard at the same time. I really don't think there is much I can say. I do have to comment on some other things real quick.

Right now I am working on a few things, a comic about a little fight sequence, just something for fun. Then I am doing a picture of a friend as a Naruto character, actually I am doing a lot of my friends as Naruto people, I'll have to get back to you all at a later date about that, I am feeling sluggish and unable to write.

I Am Jack's Syndication

Well its been an interesting weekend to say the least. My roommate has been out of town since Thursday night and its been rather quiet around here. I have been thinking a lot about what to do next, I don't know where. I think I'm confused right now, or maybe I'm just not sure.

Even as I'm typing this I don't really think that its making much sense, I just know that I have to talk to a friend about what's been going on in my head, and what's been going on with more for the last year or so. Right now I really can't think.

I do need to say that I am for the first time posting this over in my journal on deviant art too, it's like I'm in Syndication.

I Am Jack's Lack Of A Story...

Today was pretty bland, but there's good news, tomorrow I get to go back to the hospital and get my check up. Thanks to everyone out there who has been so kind and nice to me, I don't really have much to say today. Right now I'm kind of thinking about something, my mind is really else where. But I think for the first time since the summer that I am going to write something. Thank you all for sticking by me, I have to try and recover now, I have to try and get back to where I was before.

In the meantime there is a drawing I did tonight for a friend, here it is.

Later everyone!

I Am Jack's Wonderful Day

All at once I feel so comfortable, there's no sound, no distractions and nothing from the outside world. I have so much to think about and not a lot of time to do it. Right now I think I'm happier than I've been since the day I hung out with Ashley over the summer. Right now all there is in the room is the hum of the fan and me at the computer. It's so cool and calming here, I think I might be able to get to bed early.

Today started bland, so bland that I never thought it would pick up. But then things got better, I ran out and got Allison a present, and tonight when we hung out I gave it to her. But I'm getting ahead of myself, like an over excited school girl here. My dad came to town today, we went to lunch at Luby's and then went to see the conseuler about the withdrawl slips. There was some good news, I might be able to stay here.

I can't express how much it means to be so close to the people I'm acoustumed to, like they say, its important to have a support net of people. And here I have some. Then I came back here and hung out with CJ and his new girlfriend Katherine, don't think I've mentioned her before. Well we hung out, went and picked the present up and then I came back here and had dinner with CJ at the school cafe. It was like normal, Brandon came in baring girls like he does. And we talked and hung out.

After that I came back home, showered, played on the net and got ready to go meet Allison. We went to the Quarry and had a little sit down at Starbucks, it was fun and then we went to Denny's, hung out and had a big plate of fries, because that's what she wanted. I enjoyed the fires and we barely ate them all, we're such babies, not able to handle some fries.

She started to get tired so we came back here and I hope that we can hang out tomorrow because today got cut short and she said something that meant the world to me, she said Today is the happiest I've been in a long time. And this was before the whole necklace thing, I don't know what to say to that. I guess I'll just have to say, thank you Allison.

I came back here to reflect...And Then I tried drawing a Vector image again, got mad and scribbled this:

I Am Jack's Dark Cloud.

Well I just got back from over at Neemo's things seemed to have returned to something like normal around here, for the most part. Although I have yet to see Allison, its hard for me to think about much else because she's someone that I really feel like seeing before I have to leave, even just for these two months. And I know that there are things that I want to come back and be part of, like when she goes to see Rent, I'm not big on musicals, but I think I might actually enjoy that.

Or I want to be here to give her a Chrsitmas gift, something really special. I feel like there's so much I want to say still to so many people, but right now there's just something odd floating around in my head, I talked to my roommate and he just felt that I wouldn't be coming back here or that something would change. It scares me because I want everyone else to stay the way they are now, I don't want them changing, and already I can see it happening. I keep telling myself, as long as she stays the same, everything is okay.

Who remembers me quoting the line about as long as nothing hurts you, I'll be fine. It brings me to tears thinking about something bad happening to certain friends, or even thinking about not being able to go visit Allison. We've gotten closer than we were last year, back then I thought the world of her, I never knew she considered me such a good friend. I never seem to know anything though.

Tonight I started a portrait, it will be the best I have ever done, it will be the sweetest thing I've ever drawn and it will have meaning. I will put all of me into this and it will work out the way I want. I rarely say these things, but I am saying them now. I don't think its me being confident as much as it's me putting my foot down and finally saying that I am going to take my time, I am not going to rush and I will do the job right.

Is that so much to ask for?

Earlier tonight I walked over to Neemo's with the intent to borrow some masking tape, when they told me they had none I asked them, What kind of art majors don't have freaking masking tape? I think I knew deep down no one there would have it, I think I just wanted to go see everyone, I just wanted to talk with them and sit, and pick on Neemo, its just that I don't want to act like this is tearing me up inside, I don't want everyone worrying or hurt over this. I feel like I might have made Allison feel sad already and I know that when I see her, I might cry, these pills—kind of make me emotional. But I don't want her thinking I'm some kind of sap.

I'm just going to really miss her and everyone else, it seems like, yeah I know, depression is going to get a lot harder with out her and the others around, a lot harder before it gets better.

I Am Jack's Face Full Of Egg

Well it has been an interesting day, I'm starting to wonder about things that are going on around here. But I'll get to it after I talk about how the whole medication thing is going. I have been started on Paxil, or how ever you spell it. And the stuff really messes me up. I get sleep and dizzy and all manner of other stuff.

Well I have been taking them for like two days and it's strange for me to have to take medication. It's like me on medicine. That hardly happens, even when they give it to me for little infections and things like that. So for me to be on real daily pills is just unheard of.

And this is my last week at school for this semester, I have been told to go on medical leave, I hate the idea because I have to leave people behind, most of all I'm going to miss Allison, but then I guess this is for the best. I really know that in the end things will work out right.

Well I am tired and losing concentration, thank you for the kind comment Kay, but we're pretty sure I don't have cancer. I want you and everyone to know that. I did still get a blood test and it didn't hurt at all really, I felt proud and the nurse even gave me a kiss on the cheek because she said I was being brave. I think that's funny. It was the first time I ever had blood drawn. I do have to say something because I understand what your saying, when faced with death or anything daunting you can be made a better person. I don't know if I'll ever really be a better person, but thank you for keeping me in your prayers.

I do know that I am faced with something right now, something that can either eat me up or that I can stand up to and go somewhere. Depression, they say it's one of the most treatable forms of mental illness, then why the hell do I know so many people who struggle so hard with it? Why is it so blatantly there and in your face? Something isn't right there, something doesn't add up. I'm scared still, scared that there might be nothing I can do, scared that in all of my trying to help others I really over looked myself and let myself get too far gone. I don't know how to deal with myself being in trouble, I don't even know what caused me to feel this way.

Kay, I really don't know how to respond to what you said. I never thought that I stopped talking to you, if you think that, I didn't mean to and I'm sorry about it. Maybe there was just some kind of trouble with communication or something. I don't know what is going on half of the time anyway. I didn't comment on your blogs because I didn't know if you wanted me to, and then when you commented on mine I planned on commenting on yours, but then what do you say to a girl who had a friend killed in war? I don't have the words to make that better, I don't know how to talk to someone who's upset. Oration has never been my strong suit and the words to help anyone never come to mind. I just spent an hour the day before that telling another friend not to worry about her boy friend going to Iraq because it would be okay.

I'm really sorry about your loss, but everyone knows I'm not one to console anyone, I think I make things worse by trying. I've read your blog almost every day since August and yes I know that might seem kind of weird, me not leaving a comment. Next time I'm around your blog I will leave one. Right now I am dizzy and sleepy, and I need to head out.

This next week is going to be about me trying to see people that I might not get to see again for two months. I guess this is me making up for not really having much of a summer. But I know that if I don't spend at least one day alone with Allison I'm going to be mad, we really haven't had time to hang out much. And I miss my friend, well I better get going before I get to the rambling and it never ends. I'll be around more later.

I Am Jack's Gathering Exhastuion

I'm not really feeling like writing now, I'm not really feeling like doing anything. I just can't seem to stop feeling hurt and sick at the same time and I want to go back to bed. I got medication this morning and I'm supposed to take it before sleep. But I need to eat first. So I guess I'll have cereal or something retarded like that.

Everyone's so worried and so careful around me I really don't like it, the people who don't know about this stuff that's going on seem to be better to be around some of the time. And there's still a lot of them. Right now I just want to sleep, thinking about things really hurts.

Everyone that knows how I feel right now has been saying some of the same phrases to me all of the time Don't do anything dumb and a lot of other stuff. Looks like I already fouled up and did that by not being able to do a damn thing for the last five months.

I just need to go lay down.

I Am Jack's Day At The ER

Thanks for the support everyone, a lot of people have called or come by here worried, not that I like others to worry, but its always nice when someone cares about you.

I spent most of the day in a Hospital ER, but we're pretty sure that this is only as serious as a depression issue, not something that I would have to see someone who did surgery or anything. I might end up on medication and it looks like I am withdrawing from school for the remainder of this semester. I'm really upset about that, I won't be able to see someone very dear to me for a while now, I don't know what to do, I don't even know if there is anything I can do.

I haven't told her yet, but she already voiced her opinion about me being gone, I don't want to leave her here without someone to talk to, someone that really cares and doesn't want to take advantage of her or something like that. I told her already how I felt, that took more than I ever would have dreamed it could, I already feel like I've been a pain in her ass. I already feel like I'm in so much trouble, like I'm just an awful person. And its like I don't believe it, or I don't want to, but I have to.

So there's a lot going on, and I don't think I really feel like talking about it, all I have to say is this is my frist trip to the ER and I hate it. The thing that scares me most is I think there might be something wrong, I spent 8 hours there and never go the blood test, so I could still have some problem. I'm too scared to find out. All I know is I want the old me back and I want to be near someone I love, I guess I can't have either.

I AM Jack's...

I was suppopsed to get a blood test last night but it won't happen until today now, I'm so scared. I'm scared that I ruined everything, school, my social life and that I might even be going insane. A lot of the things my symptoms according to my mom sound like it could be any number of things in cluding a tumor, I have to check and see she said. I'm frigtened. I'm not the one who gets sick. Never spent a day in the hospital in my life. I've always been in good health.

I'm not ready to go, I'm not even willing to accept it, yet it doesn't matter. It could be true. I had no idea how scary things could be. I mean the way I am now, how could I even make it in the world. I hate it, I try and be brave, I do something I'm afraid of and then suddenly here comes a new thing to face. One that has no tangible shape or form but just is.

Last night I told Allison everything, I told her how I felt and she didn't hate me or want me gone, as a matter of a fact she was worried about losing her only friend. I think finding out about getting a blood test gave me the courage to actually tell her. If I'm going to have to get an operation or die or something, I want her to know that someone loves her.

I liked it better when the problems I had with school were simple laziness, now blood tests and doctors come int everything and I want out, I hate the hospital, I hate it and that I couldn't do this right. In the Emergency room last night I tried to be brave and to joke around, but I was so scared. I can only hide behind sarcasm so long. Anyone who says their not scared is a fool, even when you believe in God you have a natural want to stay alive. And I do want to be here, I've found out that I'm actually worth something.

I think a while ago I might have told you that I was worthless and that if I was never around it would affect no one and maybe less people would get hurt. I know now that there's at least one person I help around here. That's more than enough to make sticking around worth it.

I guess on the bright side, the emergency room allowed me to see someone I haven't run across since eight grade, Keena Caldwell, a girl I was best friends with way back then. We talked for a while, she was sick too. Its odd how I have been to so many waiting rooms, but never for me. I'm always so uncomfortable in them because I have no idea how to act, there's sick people here, can I even smile. For the first time I may be the sick people. It's a new feeling, one that I don't like.

I Am Jack's Unheard Outcry.

I seem to somehow mess things up, no matter what I seem to just not know when to follow instinct and when not to. I called my Dad this morning and told him some of the stuff that was going on with me, I didn't expect him to want to come down here and have a talk with me and I definately didn't expect to get walked all over in the process. I have al ife, no matter what I try to keep some scrap of a life.

And when I told him he should have called I have somewhere to be tonight he basically told me it didn't matter and that this was more important. Yeah my plans with Allison shot to hell, thanks. Because she's the only person I really feel like I want to be around right now.

I think thats another problem I have, my feelings only get recognition so long as they think it will effect my school. Well I'm sorry school is not the only thing in the world, and I'm sorry that I'm such a failure you had to come up here and babysit me. But I didn't ask you to come here, and I didn't say I wanted help from you. As a matter of a fact I didn't say I wanted help from anyone. I wanted to try and have a good week but its getting off to a terrible start already.

Like I've said before, I can't stand being ignored, but its not like I seem to get anything else from these people.

I Am Jack's Paralyzing Fear

Tonight was the perfect night, not in what happened but in the feel, the sky was filled with a light mist, the cold wind and air felt good as I walked along the river that this city is so famous for. Althought I wish I could have been with her, I think a lot about her, I try not to but I do. It blots my concentration and there are times when I wonder if I will ever be the same again.

I know now that I never really knew what it was like to feel something for someone before maybe last year, before that I would think I felt something, but this is much much harder. This is much different than the times in Junior high and high school. Here things have been different.

There's some part in me which would like nothing more than to leave things as they are, stay back and try my best to just leave her be, but then I think she could get hurt again. Damage like that just stacks, it builds up and I'm tried of seeing people like her treated like shit, everything that I see happen to her I just think that she doesn't deserve any of this.

My mind is dragging through everything, I need to wait, but I don't want to, I need to play this slow, but its already been a year. I really can say I hate that I can't help her out or say the words to make her believe in herself, but I can also say that I will still try. I've failed enough people but I keep doing this, why? What the hell is wrong with me. I've got nothing going for me, school is shot, I'm in the hole and I feel like there's nothing that I can do about any of this.

I'm so afriad now, but I have to do this alone and in person, its the only way.

It seems that when I try to do anything else, when I try to write anything else that only one subject can flow from my fingers, as if I've been pricked by needles and just left to bleed this away. I know that to all of you out there I will not be the same until I've bled all that kind of blood away.

I Am Jack's Three Thousand Two Hundredth Hit!

At 1:00 PM Sunday October 23, I hit the 3200 hits mark, badass!

I Am Jack's Attempt To Work Himself Out...

This is not my usual plate of things I serve up, this isn't what I would usually call an entry or what I would usually talk about. There's nothing wrong with something about some certain little group of people that I'm just going to openly discuss today. There's something wrong with me, the kind of thing that won't be fixed in conseuling, the kind of thing that you have to have courage and heart to persue. Someone I've kept close to my heart for a little over a year now has come to the point that I'm not sure what is wrong with me.

I can't say much more right now, I don't know if I will ever speak more on this subject. And I know, all of this cloak and dagger stuff is not like me, all of this sneaking and hiding is not something that I would usually go about doing and stuff, but I need to keep this to me, I need the keep the numbers of people that know to the minimum. I need to keep this from getting out because when things like this do they cause me more trouble than good.

I am running over things in my mind, I am driving the thoughts home through an intense grilling and testing to see if they stand true to what could be the best case scenario. I awoke at six this morning on my back on the floor, I had only slept just over fifteen minutes and I was jostled back into this world by a dream. I can't tell what the dream was, it was like visions of light and water that streamed through my conciousness but there was something tangible there too, something whole. Friday was the best day ever, it has done devastating damage to the days gone by and it has been crowned the king of all days only to be dethroned by something of greater value

I was shaking when I awoke, my mind was ricocheting off the walls of my skull like a trick shooters stray bullet, it was out of control and I actually started to shake. There's so much going on under the surface, I am so afraid to share. Even with the person I trust most even with the people I see day to day and the people I live with and the people I have grown to really enjoy.

There is something more to all of this. I was told something that night to which I could not truthfully respond, I lied I had to because I knew that even if I told the truth, it would be a lie to the other person. It would be a lie in their eyes because they didn't know the meaning of it all. It stung me hard, it had set me on the course and I couldn't just roll over and sleep after that, I had to think about it, dream about it.

I shake when I think about it, almost as much as I did when it happened, I laid there, on the side of my bed, even in tears a for a while. What the hell do I do? I mean really what am I supposed to say to something like that, what do I say, do I lie and make it seem alright, ignore it? What? My mind wouldn't let me fall asleep, and the shaking worsened so I got up and grabbed a bottle of water from the fridge and my glass, I drank some and laid down. No effect. I would have done anything to stop the toughts, ram a wall, hang out the window till my fear of heights caused me to recoil in fear like some kind of flesh yo-yo dangling about the cold waters of a toilet.

I wanted to freak, but quietly it would have to be. I wanted to run outside and just find some cigarettes, I don't smoke anymore. I only did for like six months and in that time I think I smoked one whole pack. I'm freaking out about it and there's nothing I can say, there's nothing I can do that will be easy for everyone.

So there, there it is, I was down not because of thearpy or something stupid my dad yelled at me about, I was down because I can't go on this way. I was down because I wanted to tell you the truth and the lie, but I took the coward way out and did neither. So there it is, over and done. I'll never know if I did damage or not, I'll never know what I had to do with this. All I know is ten hours on a plane, sheer embarassment of myself, I would brave it all.

I love you too

I Am Jack's Highlights

I have really begun to think things aren't looking up, even though I want to give things a try I really doubt that how I feel and the way I view things will change. I guess what I really mean to say is that I don't generally consider the way I am bad for anyone else, I'm nice to others, sometimes too nice and too trusting, so when I say that things might always be this way, is it really so bad for everyone else?

One thing that scares me is I have been having massive trouble remembering things, people I've known for quiet sometime, I really can't tell who they are when I see them now. And sometimes I can't put a name to a face even though I've known for a while. And it really doesn't help that I've been trying to meet new people when I can and having to remember names of people and the like.

I really think that something might be wrong because my vision will go all blurry sometimes, its not to the point I can't drive, but its like to the point I can't play a videogame that well, today it happened for like ten seconds when I was playing Smash Brothers Melee. I couldn't tell what the other person was doing, only that they were moving, so I just did a move that hit all around me and tried to see if I could do something, but I think it might have been obvious that something was up by the look on my face. I was all shocked because it came on so sudden. And now and again I get headaches and stuff that hurt.

I hope its nothing, I'll tell myself it is and take my own advice. I really don't know what else to do in a case like this doesn't involve going to the doctors. I lived with doctors all of my life, my parents. And I just have and thing about not wanting to go get medical help. It was hard enough to get me into thearpy, Kristi, Kay, Allison, my parents, two Jamies, and a bunch of other friends had to say something was wrong or directly say they think I should try it out before I really gave it hard thought.

I just hope that I can get back on my feet at this point. I really can't think of too much else to say, this weekend I have a full calender, I'm going out to two movies tonight, one of them is Rickey's that I hadn't seen yet and the other is Doom, that's right, for those of you who don't know they have made a movie out of that terrible game. Well its the duty of people like me to go see it and make fun of it, because that's what I do.

Hmm what else is there to talk about, you know I haven't talked about anything political or seriously crippling on this thing in like a year, funny huh? I really decided that I hated politics like around the time of the election last year, I remember I even told people to boycott the vote because both of the candidates weren't qualified to run a convience store, let alone the most powerful nation in the world. I remember the pose well, it was titled Reenact And Don't Vote

And there was that strange period of sexual/gender/sociatial issues that were discussed between me, Twinks, Autumn and Amanda. I know the one that got me in the most hot water was the one that I wrote on my rant blog, No Nation Army: About That Oral Sex Thing. For those of you that don't know I am planning on doing and update to that post, about how I feel now, but for right now let's just say a few things have changed. I know its funny the last thing people want to hear is a virgin's opinion on sexual things that he's never experinced that are based mostly on a mixture of Catholocism, a general chiviarious attitude, and an adverse hatred for most other males.

I think my hatred for most other males came to a head when I order that someone kill Usher because of how he had used his affair with another woman to make money and trick millions of women nationwide into thinking that he was being a gentlemen and generally sorry by doing it, that post can be found: here.

And who could forget the first dirty comment I got, and how much I got a kick out of it, I was so proud of myself. It can all be found at the post A New Day. And then there was my timely response

Funny how far this little blog has come, when I started I never dreamed I'd have readers or other blogging friends or even any kind of audience, now look at this! Here's to another year and many more after.

I Am Jack's Sad Part

I went to my second session today, things went pretty well and I think I touched on some stuff that I really haven't spoken to anyone else about. But I guess that with what I have been holding in, its hard to say that I have been telling anyone very much of anyhting. I'd have to say that the only person who knows what's really happening is Allison. I guess because I trust her more than I trust anyone else here right now.

I called her and told her that I was feeling down and that I just wanted to hang out and not have to deal with the people at the school for a change, she and I met up after her class let out and went down to Wingstop and had some food, then we went to Starbucks. I felt much better just having been around her. Somehow she just helped by being there and that's not something that just anyone can do.

We hung out and talked for a good three hours, probably the most enjoyable time I've had in the last few weeks. I don't think she knows what she did by hanging out with me, but it really helped me to feel better. After the Starbucks we came back to her place and watched Ghost Hunters, I've never really watched the show...but it was very interesting. More scientific than I would have expected, it was something I could really watch more often I think.

Hmm I guess I don't have much to say, I really felt kind of down still when I came hoem and then to add insult to injury my dad called with no other purpose to check on me, he never cares how I feel or if I'm alright even though we talked about how I've been down lately and we've talked about getting conseling, he didn't ever ask if I went, he just decides that all that matters are grades. I'm tired of this stress, my neck is a mess, it hurts so bad. And I can't think about any one thing for too long without wanting to go insane. I realize now that people won't really care about you for the most part, I know some people do, but even the people who should don't always care. And that's the sad part...

PS: For you new readers, the I Am Jack's... titles are an old thing, if you look back you'll see them starting on April Second 2005 and ending on May First 2005. There are some holes where it stopped, but its a system I really like...