Fickle

It's true that people are fickle, they make it no secret that their loyalties only last as long as you're some good to them or popular. This is apparent in all forms of media; music, television, movies and even books. People only remember who you are as long as you are on the best seller list or in the big block buster. Any one of us could be like those stars, a few years down the road from being a pop trivia question or a VH1 special.

Not surprisingly enough, the Internet is one of the best places to see this, with things like myspace, facebook, instant messengers and even forums; people form these bonds on them as if they are together in real life, they do many of the things real life friends do without the element of actually being there. Sometimes those bonds grow into something more than a friendship...

But all too often those bonds aren't built to last, one or both of the parties don't take things as seriously as they would with a real friend. And the Internet is a breeding ground for phony people. People who can pretend to be what they're not. People who can stab you in the back from a world away and never have to own up to it because there's never any way for you to look them in the eye, there's always that block button...

A programmer would tell you that time matters very little to data, that as long as the container the data is stored in whether it be a hard drive or CD remains safe, the data will not degrade or corrupt from age alone. But on the Internet, a system made entirely of bits of data, time seems to be all that matters. Not just time in the ebay auction sense, but time as in how long you have talked to someone.

A "friend" you have talked to for years might suddenly forget you if you don't see them online for a month, not answering an email or message fast enough might mean you get deleted from a "friend's" contact list and address book; a myspace friend you added less than a week ago can delete you because you haven't spoken to them since the day of the add. If anyone here thinks I am joking, I have had both of these happen to me. If a person who is too far away to even drive in a day can receive and open and message within seconds after you sending, why shouldn't it be that the same person when replying can't think bad things of you when you don't reply to the same message in seconds.

If there's one thing you can be sure about people, its that you can't trust them, most of them are out to get something. A lot of them lie or are two faced, I know people right now who I can tell and prove are two faced or act other than they want to appear to others. For every kind hearted action on the Internet, there seems to be three evil ones.

Sick

I'm so sick and tired of my family I don't know what to do, I am sick of them wanting me to do certain things for them as if that's all I have to do and all I want to do on my summer vacation, or lack there of. i am tried of getting phone calls from people bothering me and getting on to me about not doing what they want fast enough.

I'm sick of them, I don't want to be in this city anymore.

Growth?

I had something unexpected and new happen to me the other day, and this little story might sound a little odd. But I was getting my car inspected the other day and just as they finished this really pretty girl came in. I don't know why...it was odd but I just kept looking at her.

I would have talked to her I thought, but my car was done and I had no reason to be there. Well when I got out side they told me sure enough that I would have to come back because the parking brake on my car was out. I just kind of shrugged it off and paid, then I left.

Here's the part where things get odd. I got about half way up the street and I just decided to go back and make something up, a reason to be there. I decided I would say I was calling my Dad for something about the car. I don't know what made me do it, but I just did.

Well I went back inside of the place and I sat talking to her and this other lady, she told me her name, that she was twenty seven, that she was a teacher and we talked about writing and just things like that. It felt weird to do this, it felt odd and just a little bit forced at first, but then I felt more comfortable.

The excuse I gave could only last for a short time, so I had to go. Before I did I asked for her number, well she just said that she didn't really know me and she didn't feel comfortable do it. Which I understand, I know its not safe for a girl to do that. The odd thing was, I didn't really care. I didn't even take it personally, maybe I have grown a little?

Sorry Won't Do

How do you apologize when you do the worst possible thing you can to a person?

Think Positive? Hmph!

I'm trying to be more positive, but people make it harder, I kind of wish that I could just go back to writing about the normal things that I do, but my whole life changed pretty dramatically pretty fast about a week ago. I am going to have to adjust to things slowly over time it seems.

Also I was wondering, is it that hard to notice you're ignoring someone? I mean really, its really annoying when someone does it to you, so why wouldn't you just make the effort to talk to someone, especially when they are in need of friends right now. I don't have many friends in this town and even the ones I have in San Antonio, most of them are really busy and I never get to see or talk to them.

So if you re someone I talk to, and you want to ignore me, just do my a favor and don't even talk to me. It makes me feel pretty bad to have it happen and I already feel bad enough without it, even though I am trying my hardest not to.

Armor

I feel like its been so much longer than it really has since I wrote in this thing, but it hasn't even been a week.

I've come to realize some of the problems with the whole idea that people wear a mask, that's the saying I always here. Well think of the mask more like armor. Armor is there to protect us from things that could harm us, that's usually how it is thought of. But this armor is just to keep us from divulging too much of ourselves.

In the last few months my armor has been pretty much stripped away. Everything I used to use to just keep a smile up, keep moving no matter how hard things got, all of that is gone. With my brother in the hospital every phone call has me worried that something is wrong, that something has happened, and with the added fact that everyone in my family that does call is usually doing so to yell at me about this or that.

Somehow I don't get the luxury to worry about my brother, I am expected to continue doing everything normally. But then I get accused of not worrying. They threaten to kick me out, they call me a liar, treat me like I'm worthless and I am supposed to be able to function like this? Now they are threatening to stop paying for my school, even though I am doing good and going to class.

I don't get it, I don't get how I am supposed to be able to just carry on under this pressure. I'm not this strong, I never have been and anyone who knows me will probably say the same. I can't even go see most of my friends anymore, I can't do the few things that made me feel somewhat alright. Getting online is just a passtime, its the only way I have to not feel lonely. Only now its harder to find time to do that.

I feel like no one cares what I do until I mess up. Everyone is there quick to point that out. Well I can't help it really. I can't do much about my mistakes I make from time to time. Everyone seems content to go and point them out and ridicule me for them regardless. I want once for someone to tell me something I do is right or good, I want someone to just once ignore something I make a small mistake on. I want one of my family members to talk to me about something going on with me not having to do with school or grilling me on how I am not studying...

I'm just going to have to make it to Summer semester and hope I can bury myself in all of that, not being at the house is what I need. Because I can't find enough excuses to get out of here right now. I hate it here, I miss living alone without people barging in to tell me how much I am messing up. Its not helping.

Critical

Well I remember thinking last night that I had nothing to write about, now I wish that was still true. I woke up this morning because my nephew was pounding on my door. I didn't get to sleep as long as I'd like. He told me to come down I needed to t talk to mom. He meant my mom.

I was so sure she wanted me to go get some breakfast for the three kids that I hesitated, I wish I had hesitated longer.

When I came down my mom told me to sit and told me that my brother, John had been involved in a car accident, he's in critical condition and that he's in a coma.

What the fuck do I say to that, I mean what the fuck does anyone say?

I could have all the tact and wit in the world, doesn't mean something when no word you could say would mean anything at all. Right now I can't think straight, I can't even begin to think straight because nothing is making sense. I'm driving to San Antonio with my mom to see my brother. I don't know when exactly, sometime today.

All of this just happrened so things are happening really fast, I don't know when I'll be availble to talk on here again. I'm really scared, I'm scared and I'm just thinking how I wish it was still 2006. I wish I had those kind of problems still.

Been A While

Sorry that I haven't been around to write much in this thing, there has been a lot going on with me as some of you know. This summer is going to turn out to be extra boring and long. I can tell you right now since I really can't leave town or go out much.

Right now I am just hanging out at home watching Boondock Saints, one of the best movies ever. You guys should all check it out. Well for now I am going to finish the movie and I will have a proper entry later.

Feeling

It's been a hard last couple of days, I'm not even sure that I want to talk about it. I've tried really hard to be left alone for the most part, I do want to see people some of the time but people can be over bearing. They can be hard to deal with and too much going on around me isn't one of the things that I think is really good. When there's a lot going on I can't concentrate or function it seems.

For the most part the people I know have been disappointing and I know what some people are saying, I should find new friends. But its not that easy and right now I am occupied with trying to find a job and school. I really just want to stay out of the house as much as possible. My brother called me back the other day after I called him for help with something and he go started talking about how I don't talk with him and my sister—in—law unless I have to.

I don't know what to tell someone, I'm not really all that talkative with most people, even on the phone I keep my talking to a certain amount. And when it comes right down to it, most of the time when I talk to them they come off as kind of condescending, and its not that I don't talk. I just don't talk when they want me to. Sorry that I need a little alone time. Even with people online I used to talk to alot I have been feeling like I don't know what to say anymore. Or like I don't have anything to say. I don't know why things get so hard really. I didn't think they were supposed to be like this. And people telling me to stay optimistic shouldn't really say that anymore because when I do try that it really doesn't take long before something comes along and just smashes any chance of that working.

Its like this, in the end I expect pretty much everyone I trust to turn on me at one point or another, I can think of one or two people that haven't, but for the rest of them it seems to be a matter or time. This is why I just don't feel like bothering with completely new people most of the time.

Judgement Day

It has been a while, and there's been a lot going on, to put it frankly, I'm pretty unsure about my future. I know I am pretty tired of life in Houston. I wish I could say that I could be some where else by next semester, and maybe I could.

But the thing that I really wanted to talk about isn't me, its a type of people and a state of mind. Has anyone else noticed that political correctness has become the fruit of the day? And the more and more we take this mindset on, the more it becomes apparent that morals mean less and less. When everything becomes alright and there's nothing that's wrong, like political correctness would have us do, morals go out the window.

These people who don't really have any strict moral code, because depending on the circumstances, they could be right regardless, are always the first ones to go back to the Bible (of all places) as a defense. The line they bring into it is always Judge not lets ye be judged. Yet anything else in the Bible means nothing to them, because there's no black and white anymore, just areas of gray. Unless it comes down to something they care about.

When doing anything the only thing considered wrong is when you judge someone else. Even judging a general action and calling it wrong will get you ostracized by some people. Yet at the same time, these same people will call others wrong for actions that don't fit in with their little group of sanctioned actions. Look at the environmentalists...they'll get on to others about littering and the like. Isn't that the same as judging someone?

There are a lot of things I find wrong that others might not, but many of these things might not be moral issues. But at the same time there are things that are morally wrong. Those guys that think its alright to sleep with another girl if they're a certain distance from someone that they still call their girlfriend, are WRONG, argue all you fucking want, there's no two ways about it.

That's the problem with America, well one of the problems. No one wants anything they feel morally obligated to anymore. No one wants to have to go through a God or set of beliefs to get morally fulfillment, but they want the benefits of doing so. Freedom of speech is important, but people should feel morally obligated to say and do the right thing.

Now we can't even call another country wrong for systematically trying to commit genocide against their own people. They would be considered as good as anyone else because, after all, that's their prerogative!

Hopefully the way of things will change soon, but until it becomes alright to cast judgment on people again, we can't hold to our own morals, because we won't have any.

Idiocy Should Be Illegal

If being an idiot was illegal, it would probably be easier to keep the criminals outside the jails and use them as fortresses.

The Weather Today Is Optimistic With a High Chance of Doubt

I feel like I am being tugged in two different directions, on one hand I feel like something is wrong and on the other I feel the way bank robbers must feel just before they go out on that last big job that ends up getting them all killed.

That is to say, optimistic.

Your Sex Stories Don't Impress Me

So I am sitting here at the school on the phone with my insurance company waiting for them to come back on. I am sick of this phone tag I am playing with them and the like. Three guys walk up and sit on the couches behind me and start up instantly talking about how they're such nice guys and bragging about all of the chances they have had to have sex and didn't take it.

They talk about how girls were wanting to do this and that with them. Then they start talking about the sex they did have. What is it about guys that makes them think they need to talk about sex constantly. Especially these guys because I think that they're all lying. I mean its three of the nerdiest fucks you've ever laid eyes on, and they seem like they are trying to make themselves sound like they are taking the moral high ground.

There's just something I really don't like about how guys think they can impress me with these stories. I literally got up and walked off.

The Great Disappointment

I want to start off by asking that you keep my very good friend Jessica in your prayers. I can't say much more about it than that. But I'd be glad if you prayed for her.

Two thousand seven has thus far been a terrible year, most of the people that mattered to me most are stripped away. I've been sick pretty often, I wrecked my car and on a scale of things happening globally, there's more wars going on than I can count. Some just think that we're undergoing growing pains and that the world will come out of it shortly. I am under the impression that all of these things are actually a death rattle.

Every year seems to get progressively worse, every event that I see seems to be worse than the thing like it that it follows. Anything good or nice gets squashed as soon as it appears. The world has been a rotten place to an awful lot of people. Most of the time these are the people who never deserved it, who never saw it coming.

This world is a mess, created by God and yet thrown so far from where it should be. Not reflecting what he intended at all, and he must have known it would be this way, he is after all God.

What's the great lesson here? Everything good is so rare, its so unique and when you find something good, hold onto it? I can't ever seem to do that last part. The good things usually only last me a few weeks at best. A good feeling is something I can hardly remember now. Not feeling lonely is something that I haven't known in almost a year. And I am beginning to think no one loves. When you love someone you don't leave them. You don't ignore them or not talk to them. You are willing to fight for them.

Love seems more and more like an abstract concept invented to just keep people happy, give them an unreachable standard to live up to. If you believe God is perfect, and God is love, therefore love is perfect. If you also believe no one person can be perfect, no one person has the ability to love. And I'm betting the chances don't look to good for two people either.

For a long time I thought that I could come and help everyone rid themselves of their problems. Help people feel better and whatever else. I'm done doing that, I find most people aren't worth the time I wasted trying to help them, I can think of a few right off the top of my head but I won't name names.

As for Jessica, I will wait and try to help her, because she was the last person I remember making me feel any kind of good. She was the only one recently who talked to me and made things just a little better. I could actually smile with her. A few others of you out there I think deserve help. But to those who don't...you'll know that I've given up on you.

The Only Way To Make It Through With Hearts And Wrists In Tact...

I don't know what to say about this world, this world it seems like its taken another person from us. Another good person. I don't know what to say. Except I hope she's okay and I love her.

For Kara

As the title suggests, this is for Kara. Any one can read this, if you take offense to these words, good. Maybe you should take a look at the way you're doing things then and ask yourself this question Do I feel secure in my actions?

Junior High is a pretty hard time in all of our lives. While things might have been simpler back then for most of us, before the threat of terrorism and the like. Life was hard because for the first time, we were feeling strong attraction to girls.

Back then most of it was innocent, and it got expressed through the wrong outlets. Most of us got as far as holding hands, maybe a kiss. But the thing was, what was the ultimate thing you went for when you went after a girl? You could hope at best to make out, no one dared to say the S word.

Almost a decade later I could sit here and tell you all kinds of horror stories about what I have seen guys do. I could tell you that guys are just looking to put their wieners in your naughty bits. Most women seem to think that already. So why is it that girls fall for guys that are going to screw them over?

Women aren't stupid, even the dumbest person by nature has a memory and can tell when they are doing something the exact same way again. The problem is guys are tricky, they've evolved to a point where they have safe guards to counteract most of the ways women guard themselves.

In the case of some guys, its just so they can get some tail. A guy doesn't think past sex most of the time. Some of them won't even use a condom, forgetting what the function of sex is actually for! But these are the guys that are easier to see through, most of them spit rhetoric that you see in movies, hear in rap songs, or read in joke books.

They're going to target vulnerable girls, the ones that are younger, emotionally unstable, or fresh out of a break up. To them, these girls are no conquest, just a means to an end...the end of a hard on. Unfortunately I knew some guys like this, all of them even drew straws over a seventeen year old to see who got to take a ride on her that night. That was how they would describe it. Better than that, the one who made his move decided to do so when she was almost completely passed out on a couch. He had sex with a barely conscious girl...

Now the more danger guys are methodical. These are the ones with a real brain in their head, that got further than second base in Junior High, learned the ins and outs of women (physically and emotionally). They're dangerous because they are adaptive to situations. They go after hard targets, women who have moderate to high confidence and some who say they don't believe in one night stands. Some of these men can function and think enough while drunk to still accomplish their mission.

I've heard of guys like this, met about one in my life. The one I met did such things as get girls who had never been kissed to sleep with him in one day and let him film it. It was more than just trickery, it was pure manipulation. It was incredible to realize that someone can have that kind of power over someone else. Even so not just any guy can do this, it takes quick thinking, wit, an adaptive personality and good looks.

In a matter of speaking, you must be an evil genius to accomplish this feat, most guys that are out there trying to get into a girls pants are trying to do it like this last guy I mentioned. Why? Because they want a prize. Some guys want a virgin, they might even tally the number they've had. I've heard guys even speak of sleeping with a one girl for each letter of the alphabet, that is to say they want to find a girl who has a name that starts with each letter. Even worse are the ones who only like to go underage...you can find all types, but the basic message here is, guys are sick monsters.

Hell, even I am. I just turn my anger towards other guys. If I make a guy cry, I feel pretty proud. Maybe his confidence dropped a little, less competition for me. Part of me wishes that if I have daughters, they're lesbians so I don't have to deal with the pain and torment the average guy inflicts on a woman.

Now I am tired of writing, I think I might go make a sandwich or something, oh and if you have any hate mail or letter bombs please send them to:

I don't really care if you don't like what I wrote.

1234 This is a fake street anyway...

Wherever, USA

Do It For Me Now

My body is filled with...well I don't know what. I looked back at something I haven't touched since the day I last spoke to you. You were eighteen years old and one day. It was the saddest day I've had since...well since a long time ago and I haven't been whole since then. But right when I was thinking of doing the wrong thing, the stupid thing. You saved me again, you've always been there to pull me out, even when you weren't really there.

What follows is your words, untouched by pencil or cursor. Words that struck me so hard that I know what I need to do.

Hey. Things are actually not going good at all...and it concerns us. When I came home from school with your presents, my parents kind of freaked because they don't know who you are and wonder if we have been secretly hanging out, which led to "do you talk to him online?" thing. They found out that I talk to you on myspace, and they feel really uncomfortable with me talking to an older guy that they don't even know. So, they are making me do the same thing I had to do with Heather. I don't really understand myself, and so I bet you won't either, and that's ok. And yes, i'm 18, an adult, but I still live under my parents rules until I leave for college. This is incredibly hard for me to do since it is going against my own will and desires. Justin, you are an amazing guy! You truly are! And I don't want this friendship to end...but I have to do this or I'll get in so much more in trouble. Please, please, do this for me, and soon we'll be able to get back to talking again. I have to sadly delete you from my friends. That's why I cannot have you on facebook. Please forgive me! I hope that when I leave for college and that I am finally free, I am able to speak to you again without ambivalent attitudes from my parents. I know this is hard, i mean, it's hard for me too! I'm so sorry. I want you to know something though: to thine own self be true. Justin, there will be many obstacles ahead, and I'm sad because I won't be there to help you when you need it! But please remember to be yourself, night to day, every single moment of the day! Cause being you is why I cherish this friendship! Please promise me to do that, and I promise you that I will come back to you once I am on my own! I hope that day will come soon! Thanks for everything..for you have truly been a wonderful, fantastic, marvelous friend!

If I don't shape up, and get back on track, who will she find when she comes back? Well I'm not going to even humor that question. There you have it, hon, you're boys back on track. I think for the first time in months, I'm back. After all, its what you wanted.

God blessed me with a wit, with attitude enough to stand up to others, against moral wrongs, to strike out where I saw tyranny even in the smallest degree. And that's what she admired. I seem to have gotten that back today. I've read just one thing and found the strength to carry on through all that's happening. I have to say sorry to Kara, I promised her a blog today about how evil men are, rest assured she'll have it soon. It might be worse now that I am back like this.

Hook Ups

Since the day I left Junior High it has seemed like things were changing too fast. I remember when kissing someone was a big deal. My first year of high school I heard from the younger sibling of a friend that three girls at our school had gotten caught having sex.

Back when I was there it was rare to even hear about someone going as far as to get fingered.

Now in college people talk about hooking up as if its something completely normal and even therapeutic. I used to see examples of it everyday. I still see guys that make out with girls, interchangeably in groups, and girls who make out with each other for a guys entertainment. I have to stop and ask, what happened to you women?

The women from a newspaper, Laura Sessions Stepp has written this book called Unhooked about the decline of love and its replacement by hookups in college and high school life. If I didn't see it for myself I wouldn't have believed it at first. In my high school people were so close knit that there wasn't much hooking up in the open, everyone knew everyone.

But when I got to college things changed severely and I could see the stuff that was going on all around me. One girl I knew personally got passed around like a doobie among hippies. Guys would get together and discuss her performance and even rate her on how well she did individual things.

Stories cropped up about different crazy acts she had taken part in, one of the most notorious was her allowing a guy to use the vibrate function on his phone for purposes other than it was intended for, needless to say the phone broke. But the point here is this, hook ups, for the most part, are degrading to women and they harm the guy on the other end of the thing too.

The problem really stems from Feminism, now I know I am going to get a lot of hate speech over this, but I think the second that women led themselves to believe that sexuality was the way for them to become more independent, they left themselves open to be used in a new way. Being outlandishly sexual doesn't empower you. All of the guys and girls I know that get the most crazy sex are the most unhappy people.

I read an article that Laura Stepp wrote on Valentines Day and it amazed me how much I thought the same way she did. She wrote about how many women didn't want anything to do with long term relationships because there wasn't any time for them. Stepp states in her article:

A national survey of 18-to-29-year-olds by the Pew Research Center reported that almost 60 percent were not in committed relationships and the majority of those were not interested in being committed. Young women even have phrases for couples, frequently spoken with a touch of derision: They're 'joined at the hip,' or 'married.'

But I can tell you right now that part of the problem lies in our parents. I had a friend who had a mother who had been divorced several times, and this friend told me that "I don't see the big deal with marriage, its just a short term commitment". Believe it or not the reluctance for people to seek divorce ruins the minds of the children involved.

What I can't do is offer much help. Guys I know think they are happy to be this way, to seek out these things and only these things. And occasionally making out with someone at a party isn't going to damage your mind forever, but going about looking for this as if its going to lead you to eventually meet someone you love is a dumb idea. If the other person only sees you as a hook-up that's all you'll ever be. Even if you marry that person, expect to get divorced, or have major problems. You weren't what they had in mind, just what was convenient.

A link to the original article can be found here: myspace

And That's The Last We'll Speak of It...

So what its been about two days since the shooting thing in Virginia and already we have Rosie O'Donnell putting her foot in her mouth with stupid statements such as her saying that The NRA is the biggest lobbyist in the US. I don't know how many people out there want to tell her she's fucking wrong, because obviously she's never heard of a little thing called OIL.

This is what launches the major problem with this kind of thing, the media turns into into a circus to fulfill their own personal wants. Some of them, like Rosie over here, will want to get rid of illegal guns as she called them. Well too bad the guns the guy used were legal. If you are going to start stating things, state the facts. Then you have those who just want ratings, who are playing this over and over, twenty-four hours a day, with breaks in between for more news about...the shooting.

The news has been adamant about pushing this in our faces, when they really have so little information to give us, they have so little that is new to give us. The people killed need to be remembered, but I am sure they don't want to be slathered with some kind of political button and paraded around for some political agenda. I don't even think that the heroes in this story, the teacher who died to save his students and the senior who barricaded the door; I get the idea that these people are just being used to get more ratings. I mean if you did something like this and saved someone, you would probably just want to be left alone. I know this because I don't think praise is what we always want!

The news is determined not to give us time to heal, just like they did with September eleventh for that week it happened, and Andrea Yates, and now this. It's like the line from Fight Club about the scratch in your mouth that would only heal if you could stop tonguing it. That's what the news makes these things into.

I also want to say that when this happened everyone thought this guy was white, everyone thought he was American born and raised, thought that he played violent video games, listened to violent music and that he was a certain type of person. They drew all of these conclusions hours before they even released a name for this guy, he turned out to be an Asian Immigrant, not that it matters. But what I want to say is that we need to stop blaming violent video games, music, and movies for this kind of shit. I have heard Tarantino's name come up more times when they talk about this guy than the actual guy. Tarantino didn't walk onto the campus and shoot those people. He makes movies, that's it.

Music and movies don't define us. I listen to a lot of kinds of music and I never commit crimes because of any of it. When did people stop being crazy and have to have a reason to be messed up in the head? No one is blaming the shooter for the shooting, no one is blaming the fact that he might have just been born wrong. Maybe his parents aren't at fault, maybe he was just a loony. His parents ran a dry cleaning shop in Virginia, do you know that they are hospitalized because shock? Well you see this crime isn't something that someone caused him to do. He was crazy and no one could have helped him if he didn't want to be helped, obviously he didn't want to be helped.

On a day when I think eighty percent of the blogs in the world are writing about this, I want to say something I bet many of them are not. We need to pray for his parents, his family, and we need to be less worried about warning signs and stop there from having to be warning signs. I knew a lot of people that were this crazy, but all of them had friends and maybe that's what keeps them from going over the edge. Family isn't enough, there's just things they can't provide, and even criminals have friends. So from now on when you see that quiet kid in the hall, don't walk by them or wait for them to say hi, just say hi to them. Stop and talk to them, it might make them feel like someone important. It might even make them open up. And it could just someday save a life...there's or someone else's.

Angel Feather - Commission

This is the first part of the commission that I asked this girl on Deviant art. Here's the picture.

Do Us All a Favor...

Next time that you feel the need to go into a school and shoot up some place like a school or a business, just follow these simple instructions.

1. Load the gun


2. Stick it in your mouth


3. Blow your brain out

Really, it would make things simpler.

You're Crashing, But You're No Wave

I really fucking hate celebrity news, its the most pointless drivel that they could possible put on the television. Why do I care how much someone got in their divorce or who is hooking up with who? I don't mind knowing stuff like when new movies come out that's something that I want to know, sometimes its okay to hear when celebrities do something really important for the community or commit a serious crime. But weddings and the like are not interesting, they're not even people that I know. I mean I can hardly bring myself to deal with the weddings of people I do know.

So what does this all amount to? I hate the channel E! I think its completely pointless and a juvenile waste of time. Can your life really be so boring and uninteresting you have to watch someone else's drama? I know that I have more than enough of that going on in my life right now. I'll keep out of other people's, thank you.

I really can't see the kind of audience that these shows have...well I can, I am looking at one of them. He's watched this stuff for about an hour this morning and I wonder, "Who does this appeal to." Most of the people I see watching this couldn't even tell you any of what's going on in the news right now. And while we have men and women ding in a war, we have whole news shows...news shows on CNN dedicated to this Anna Nicole Smith bullshit.

I'm sorry the woman died, but what did she do to deserve the public spotlight? Why are these assholes on my television? Why can't I turn on the TV without getting bombarded with who's dating who BS. And what's worse is the stuff they are telling us about celebrities. There was a story about the amount the wives of famous people got in the divorce settlements, they brought up pre-nuptials. I think this is the most fucking retarded idea. If a woman asks me for one, I wouldn't marry her ass. I think that someone asking for one of those is just admitting they don't think you can last. And that's not the attitude I want being taken into a wedding.

On a better note, they do sometimes mention positive things about celebs. Such as the story about actresses standing up against the common culture of Hollywood and the problem it has with weight. I am glad to hear this, because some of these women just looked sick.

The Angel of Death

Today I am really excited because my friend over at Deviant Art made this beautiful picture for me. I really can't tell you how much I love this picture but I am onthe way, right this minute to run off an color it. I just wanted to write this up and let everyone see the picture before hand!

By the way, this is a picture of the Angel of Death, and she drew it how I described, but you know how when you tell someone what you are thinking, but in a vague way and they think something completely different? That's the case here, and it happened that I loved it!

Political Correctness and Rosie O'Donnell

Political correctness is going to be the death of us all. At a certain point it might have been a good thing, then it might have been a little much, now it seems more and more like politician correctness is just a way to leave groups of people blameless for the things that have happened in the past and for the things that are happening currently.

In some schools in Britain it has become standard practice to skip over teaching about the Holocaust as it might upset Muslim students that believe the Holocaust never happened. Which is just stupid. I mean I'm not one to crush someone's belief system, but if you believe a well documented event involving the murder of over six million people was some kind of cover up, you're a dumb fuck. I mean I've seen fucking photos. I've never seen a photo of Jesus or Mohammad, yet Billions of people believe in them, how is this so hard to understand?

Some places in Europe are trying to say its not okay to call terrorists terrorists...although some of them even call themselves that and threaten 'a wave of terror'. No one seems to be paying this any attention, their all too busy listening to dumb ass Rosie O'Donnell. You know I heard her talking about how the American Government blew up the World Trade Center Tower 7 for whatever reason. I wish for just a second this were Soviet Russia so someone in the government would assassinate that bitch. She went as far to say sarcastically "This is the first time in history that fire has melted steel". You dumb bitch, how the fuck do you think they make steel?

People need to stop looking at people like her and the rest of the celebrity community and need to be more away of the words we use to describe people and places. If we change how we talk to accommodate the terrorists, yes I said it, then haven't they won just a little bit.

Cuddle

I think it might be too late for this. Right now I don't really know what's going on with me, inside my head or anywhere else for that matter. I keep thinking something is wrong but I don't know what. Maybe its just that I am not true to myself, maybe its that I forgot how to be. I miss so many things about last semester, some of them I don't miss at all. But I miss having other people around to talk with.

Sadly I miss most of my friends in San Antonio, some of you I had barely begun to hang out with, like Wesley. I miss hanging out on couches talking until the wee hours of the morning and most of all I miss having someone to cuddle up next to and just watch a movie. I want all of those things back.

Hookah is another thing I miss, because it became such a regular part of social interaction for me. I miss Law & Order and bad movies picked out by Brandon. Right now I just wish I had someone nearby I knew, someone familiar that I could talk with. I guess I have made some new guy friends, but no girls. And I really thrive on the company of girls because I feel comfortable around them, with guys I'm defensive, brash, down right rude and pretty much an asshole. With girls, most of the time, I don't have to be. I don't relate to most guys because all they care about are titties and...well titties. And I have really made like four new friends here, but that's it.

I need to get out more, I need to find a way to meet people. I'm really just not cut out for this.

Mother Pimps Out Seven Year Old Girl

A break from the ordinary for me, if you can call it a break. It's actually a heinous crime that should be punishable, I really think by death, but those of you who know me like Brandon does will know I saw the same about murder and rape.

But this crime just because of the severity of the whole thing should be closely watched. If you're not sure exactly what happened, I can relate it to you. A Michigan mother of five was arrested the other day for selling her seven (7) year old daughter for pornography and sex. When arrested she was in a hotel room with the little girl, she had with her a bag full outfits for the girl pose in and if the price was high enough she had a bag full of sex toys for whoever wanted to pay to use on the little girl.

As can be expected this is not the first time this little girl was raped and molested like this, and the cops are looking into the lives of the other kids. This little girl happened to be the second youngest of the bunch, so there might be more this 'mother', if you can call the bitch that, has done.

This just goes to show you that popping a kid out doesn't make you a real mother, as no real mother would do this. This really shows us that people are sick, sick individuals and that there is no mental illness that should keep this woman from getting at least life in prison.

New Normal

A while back Brandon commented on something that I thought was just a small part of one of the blogs I wrote. He made a remark about what I had called 'The New Normal', that is to say that there is a new order of things that are becoming the constant state of all our lives. Life without certain people, less communication between others and certain activities just being much harder to accomplish than they have in the past.

I remember a time when I would be winding down to watch television right about now, when Futurama was on and then Simpsons and the X-Files after that. That was my normal Sunday night routine. Back then I didn't have a car, (Gas was like 99 cents) I didn't even have a cellphone, not that I needed it because I never talked on the phone much anyway. Back then there were things that bothered me, normal teen drama bullshit...but nothing like the problems I have today. And back then the world was a simpler place. I felt safe no matter what, the News was just the News, but it was hardly ever Doomsday talk. My friends and I were a solid group, I knew where I stood with each one of them, and the few people I had around me that I didn't like were so insignificant that I didn't care if they were there.

Now all of this is not the case everything has changed and not for the better. The world, my life, everything around me has just gotten darker. And I'm not sure if we can just call this growing up or some kind of growing pain. But I hope dearly that all of this is not the New Normal. I noticed that more and more banks are open on Sunday, that used to be one of the most taboo things you could do. Sunday was the Holy Day. I see more and more that people just don't care about you, or anyone else, and its hard to care for others if every time you do you get stabbed in the back.

People's lives are shrouded in fear, their entire day to day being is marked by the trouble they manage to avoid, not caring who else might run into that same trouble. Lying and cheating have become commonplace. Underhanded practices are encouraged in most businesses and even in some school. This isn't the world that we wanted to grow up in? This isn't the world we wanted for our Children.

I hope for their sake this is not going to become the Norm.

Comish!

I'm super excited! The first commission I asked to have done is paid for and will be ready this week, now I can pay Kimmy next week and everything should be alright after that for a while. I will show both of the commissions to everyone here when I get them back. Just to let everyone know what a commission is, its when you pay to have an artist or writer do work for you in a specific form or fashion. Of course the payment depends on the artist and the piece; or the writer and the length of the piece.

So Kimmy, I will be paying this next week when I get more money!

300

A lot of people are starting to talk about the End of Days. What do I think? I don't really believe it, mostly because of the fact that I think that its something that we can't predict. But at the same time I also believe that we all need to be prepared for what ever might come next.

With the way things are going with Iran right now I think that it is important to consider we might be at war with a country that has nuclear weapons. What the news won't tell you is that their first nuclear bombs won't be 1/100 the strength of our first tests. And that if we hit them just right, less than six bombs would destroy that whole country. I think its safe to say we can destroy one country to save countless others.

Hm, but I saw a documentary on how we could beat them...and it'll only take three hundred men.

Improvement

I don't have much to say right now. Just that I have been spending some time trying to get something done with the comic and the characters. Here is a drawing of one of them. It's not inked yet, but I think that the lines are pretty clean. What do you think?

Ockham's Razor

How many times have you witnessed someone telling you that they wanted to change things in their life? And then the next day they go right back to doing the same thing that they always do? If the thing that you are doing is not working and you have done it several times before, then the simple explanation is to do something different.

It's the principal of Ockham's Razor, the simplest explanation is often the right one.

Every girl that I know always says this, that this is the last time they are going to date 'a guy like that' and then they always run back to the same type of guy, sometimes the same guy. I know what you are all saying, that this is their own preference. But the problem is that by the time they are ready to try something new they are so put off by what they have been trying.

Women need to realize that they're just making themselves more bitter when they stay around with guys that mistreat them. And that there is usually at least one guy they know, who would date them, who they are ignoring. Now I am not going to tell you its fate or destiny. I don't believe in those things. I believe we do shit, sometimes we get it right, sometimes we get it wrong.

For any of you that believe in fate why do you do anything at all? I mean what's going to happen is going to happen...and it is much simpler to think that we are all effecting each other while the environment effects us than to think there is some grand plan and the placement of every molecule was planned out billions of years ago. Again Ockham's Razor.

And all of this goes back to what I started off saying, fate is not real, its not going to help you. If a guy treats you bad then you need to get off your ass and get out of there. What's more when you meet the person you fit with right, there might not be some spark or sign, you might not even take an immediate liking to each other. Instead of sticking what you know is wrong, why not try what very well might be right?

Don't Get Your Hopes Up

There's a school of thought that I have blatantly subscribed to since just about the time that I started Middle School. Many probably just call it a superstitious way to think, still others might think that its just a matter of our own perception, a watched pot never boils. But in my own mind I think it is safe to say that when you get your hopes up you almost undoubtedly get them crushed.

Hope is one of the things that keeps humans going, it keeps us from being down in the dumps all of the time. Even the pessimist sometimes has hope. But getting your hopes up is a different thing entirely. Its being so sure of something that you hope for that you rule out all other possibility, likewise, you prepare for only what you have hoped for. Setting yourself up for the panic disaster of the aftermath of what would be anything else.

Go figure that I would have actually gotten my hopes up a lot of times recently only to have them dashed. And while I don't believe in karma or fate, I do believe a little in probability. We as humans have a probability to hope for the least likely, or a less likely thing to happen.

When we get that hope up too high is when we have a problem. Now I am not saying that the best way to go through life is by becoming Descartes. I am trying to tell you that maybe if we didn't put our eggs all in one basket that things wouldn't be so bad. Life is a series of events, based on the choices we all make, and how they all play in together, but on top of that there are random events, freak accidents, unexpected surprises and such; that play into this equation every day. Maybe its a little much to get our hopes up that what we hope for is going to be just what we get. Hell, it might not even be what we need

Fame < Infamy

I think that much to the surprise of others my conversations with Prentiss don't involve video games, anime or things such as that. Last night was one such night, where we put aside our nerdy quandaries and discussed something that had to do with real life people and situations. This next part may not surprise you if you have read my posts for any length of time, the discussion came to women.

In regards to women, Prentiss and I are the same. We were never the type to think girls had cooties and most of our friends are female. I let out that I happen to detest most of the masculine population for various reasons. But we didn't try to dump all of the relationship problems off on men, although it would be the easy way out. I think that various problems are the doing of the women themselves. Like a girl who sticks around with a guy who is undoubtedly using her for sex or as his own personal skeet rag, is no better than the guy in the situation when she is told up front, by said guy what she is to him.

Much to her own accord, the warnings of friends, both female and male, go unnoticed and the girl in the end gets the raw end of the deal while the rawest end of the deal is passed on to us. Who is us? Well us is guys who are looking for something long term, who see no benefit in dating someone if there's no future in it. Anyone can get fucked, but what does it matter if you can't make love?

I know that this might be brash, this might sound to both men and women to be the pompous preachings of some little virgin who doesn't know the first thing about relationships...but I'm here to tell you that in that last regard, you're more than wrong. I have witnessed the down fall of relationships like the fall of angels from the blinding heights they once held. Angels who held more sway than Lucifer...and I can say this. No matter how good a relationship looks its not invincible if you think you're above knowing what to look out for.

Having mostly female friends has taught me a lot of about their side of things. And of course I know my side. Prentiss says we should write a book. I would actually be up for that. If gay guys can write books on dating women, why the Hell can't we?

Will I Ever Be Just A Memory?

There really hasn't been that much around me in the sense of encouragement as of late. I'm not sure what else I can say about it all. The thing about it is I have been doing better than I usually do with things like school, but then things with most of my friends aren't going so well. I think the only person that I am on really good terms with as far as my old friends go is Prentiss, and we've never been on bad terms.

Last night I talked to Tiffany, yes Tiffany...Prentiss' ex. She and I talked for a few hours actually and we shared a lot of what had gone on. I think she was shocked to hear how much some things had changed around here. And she let me in on a few secrets about girls, things I had thought but I wasn't sure if the girls actually noticed. Well, was I shocked to find out not only did they notice, they took it into consideration.

I started to think about Persephanie again, it's been two months since she and I haven't been able to talk. And people say it gets better with time. Everyday it seems to get worse, the dreams, the thoughts of her and just wishing we could talk. I think this whole thing is really fucked up because realistically she was the best source of emotional support I had. I remember I wrote those lyrics from the Something Corporate song, I've realized that I relied on you, like yellow does on blue. That's how I feel, that is how I felt back then even.

And maybe relying on a friend so much makes you weak, but it feels good. Just like ignorance is bliss; loving someone in whose eyes you never seem capable of doing any wrong is special. It's like being a hero. Sometimes I wonder, when we talk again in a few months will she still see that hero? Will she see me be so different that I won't matter anymore. In all those months will she even remember me. Her last words to me were, "I'll always love you". But I worry she won't even remember me. And that's my greatest fear.

What is Sexy?

What is sexy?

Purity is sexy.

Smiles are sexy, and two armed hugs.

Cuddling is sexy, so is the smell of a girls hair when she's fresh out of the shower.

Glasses are really sexy, nerds are sexy too, as are girls that snort when they laugh and girls who don't care enough about their hair.

Girls who liked to be tickled are sexy, so are small girls that drive big trucks, girlie girls who like to get dirty from time to time are sexy, and so are knee lenght skirts.

Hair wraps are sexy, artsy girls are sexy, high heels are sexy, and girls with a brain are sexy.

I guess that my point is some of the things that people don't think are sexy can be. As a matter of a fact sometimes innocent girls looking sexy doing something that a less innocent girl wouldn't look like anything doing. Does this mean that if a guy thinks these things are sexy they just want to sleep with you? No, I know that I care about girls and feeling someone is sexy doesn't mean you just want one thing. Sometimes a guy calls you sexy and he really does care about you as a whole person, just remember that.

Chicago Is So Two Years From Now

When we were in high school we all thought of Spring Break being something really magical, where you and your friends could get out alone and just be yourselves. Every time you saw a movie about college kids and Spring Break was involved you knew what they would be up to...drinking, partying, and other illicit activities. Now I am certainly not saying that these are the kinds of things that we should seek.

I'm no more a believer in getting drunk and random sexual acts than I ever was, but the point is that you would think if those people could do that, then maybe I would be able to do some lesser things, hang out with friends, not get hassled, go out of town for one or two days. Little things like that.

Well the reality is that the things you see in the movies are lies. No one parties like that on Spring Break, the majority of the people I know spent their break working, busting their ass at some job for the regular hours they are usually there. I spent most of mine stuck here at my parents house, nothing to do and no one to hang out with, the few times I did do something it was short lived, with the exception of hanging out with PJ Saturday and Friday.

But I wanted to go to San Antonio, I wanted to see my friends, hang out, I had pictures I needed to take for school, that got canceled. I really don't want to spend another moment with my family right now, any part of them. I don't want to be around them because they've been pretty rude to the fact that I am even supposed to be on break. I spent fifteen dollars this week, fifteen dollars of my own money and I heard nothing but complaining about it afterwards.

And that was because I bought a movie that I had wanted since I first saw it in theaters, (Casino Royal) but I think that this will be some of the last time I spend here at the house, I think already that I want to move further away from my family than I have ever been. Every choice I make gets questioned by them, even ones like who I choose to like or how late I sleep on my own break.

I know I only talked about it in passing with most people, and that most probably thought I wasn't serious, but now that I think about it moving to Chicago sounds better and better.

The Measure of a Man

How many people out there think that it is totally stupid for guys to cry at all? I had a long talk with some people earlier today and a lot of the men there seemed to hold this same sentiment. Many others said it was alright, as long as the guy did it in private.

I can tell you right now that its not unmanly to cry. Most of the thing that people consider manly are things that don't matter or are just flat out wrong. It doesn't make you a man if you've fucked a lot of girls, or if you can drink so much without passing out.

Another thing I find really odd is how women want a guy who has emotions, but someone I once used to be friends, let's just say I won't call her what I want to call her here and she will remain nameless, but she told me she didn't like it when a guy cried. Even at a funeral. It showed how much she knows and how much she was nothing more than a little girl. It never ceases to amaze me that so many of the things women say they want are not what they look for.

I'm not afraid to admit that I cried not too terribly long ago over a friend being gone, and I don't see any problem with it. I will probably cry when I have my first kid or maybe when proposing, when my real mom died, I cried then and also when my frist dog died; although that was a long time ago. Anyone who wants to call me a pussy or a sissy or whatever else for it, they can. I have emotions. At least I seem human...and being human can't make you any less of a man.

I'm Not Here For Your Entertainment

Did I miss something? When did it become alright to just ignore someone when you didn't want to deal with them? Because that's the standard practice for girls. And if some guy were do that to them they'd use that as an excuse to hate all of the guys in the entire fucking world. But we're supposed to not be bitter and just keep trying for them, because they think their princesses and the like, we wouldn't want to disappoint them.

Let me tell you this, because no one seems to ever listen when I tell them anything, most of the reasons girls have all these problems are their own doing a lot of the time. I can't remember how many times I have heard one of my friends tell me she wants to go back to her old boyfriend, the same one who did something horrible like cheat, lie, ignore or mistreat her; or some wacky combination of the above. If you're going to tell me some stupid shit like this, don't expect me to be there when you fall on your ass yet again.

I've got enough problems without you thinking I'm a free shrink for you to use and I'm done looking out for others in that regard. I have seen far too much and for all my helpfulness I have been shit on recently every time I did something. So I say why put in the effort?

Goddamned Arms Race

This is the climate of our society, I can't even turn on the television without coming across some news about some celebrity doing something outlandish and stupid. Yet we as a society never punish them, and when we do its only as much as we will allow ourselves to. We act like they have something hard on them because of the job they do when there are many jobs out there that are less in the lime light and when it comes right down to it those people get shit on.

A news story out of Britain has this fourteen year old girl talking about how it is stylish to be pregnant, and that's what she went and did got pregnant. So did some of her friends. I know what you're saying, "This doesn't sound right? Where are the parents?".

We can't hold the parents at liberty because we all know that since the television and radio are these kids real caretakers the people on there are the ones we should blame right? Entertainers? Let me tell you this right now, people need to teach their own children that Paris Hilton, Britney Spears and the Olsen Twins are not role models. Anna Nicole Smith has gotten more press coverage than all of the other important deaths that have happened recently. A President, the God Father of Soul Music, and many more have been dwarfed by the press' barrage of this one time playmate...she hasn't even done anything this millennium!

And in the case of Paris Hilton, do you remember when you had to be famous to get on television? Since Paris Hilton all it has taken is infamy. You fuck a guy, get on drugs, say or do something stupid and there you are, front page news. All the while we are fighting a war, electing a president in a year, people are starving all over the world. But you're more concerned which of these blonde bimbos ends up in rehab this week, or if the bald one had a reason the shave her head...

Stop giving a fuck about these people, they should learn that they don't have to keep being bad to be famous. I mean Jesus has been famous for 2000 years and he didn't flash his penis getting off that Donkey on Palm Sunday. As a matter of a fact the only time he ever got even remotely angry was when he flipped tables at that temple and even then he had good reason. The reason that they keep doing this shit is because we keep paying attention. And do you know who it is effecting? Little kids! When they see you can pose nude and still be on American Idol, that you can flash your vagina and its somehow okay, or that rehab is the way you fix every problem...they think they can act this way or should to be famous!

Being famous should depend on skill, talent or something of that measure. Not on how scandalous you can be. I was listening to that new Fall Out Boy CD today and I realized that one of the lyrics in one song applied to this, "This ain't a scene, its a goddamn arms race,". They are all just bidding for the most attention, because in show business no exposure is truly bad exposure if you spin it right. Well I say is high time we cut them off.

Harden

You know, I am really tired of going on dates now and getting lied to. I can't understand why you would tell someone to call you and then decide you don't want to answer. I am sick of getting treated so badly and getting used. And you know what. I am going to harden myself to others a little bit for it, I don't mean to, but you know what, its just going to happen.

I have bad luck with this. Just once I want to see someone actually want to go out and keep going out, and not lying about it. I'm not into liars, I am into certain things, and I don't really want anything to do with most people. I have no idea how to relate to people about things like this. So I'm forever stuck.

Conversations With A Priest

NOTE:This is a small excerpt from my story, it actually features people I know in real life (Brandon and Persephanie in this case) and this is the first time I have ever posted this story any where, hope you all enjoy.

Back when I was in high school there was usually one twenty four hour Starbucks in a major city. Now you could find five in Houston alone. It was cold out, still raining and just starting to get dark. The steam from my Cinnamon Dolce Latte warmed my face as I stretched my neck out over the cup.

My hands were clasped around the cup tight to keep them warm. A man in a black fedora was just on the other side of the glass gathering napkins from the small counter, he stepped back outside and came over and then sat down right across from me. He looked up at me through his ice blue eyes.

I inhaled the cinnamon smell of the latte and then spoke, "Father, I feel like all of this being cheerful is getting to me," I paused to sip my drink, it was still very hot, "I feel like I've lost faith or something," I said.

"Why do you feel that way?" he asked in a soft voice as he pushed the napkins over to my side of the table.

"Well because I feel like I haven't got anything righteous left in me, like all of this is taking a toll or something. And what does God want with the non-righteous?" I said.

"It is not the healthy who need a doctor, but the sick...but go and learn what this means: 'I desire mercy, not sacrifice.' For I have not come to call the righteous, but the sinners," he rattled it off quickly and immediately I recognized it.

"Matthew?" I asked and he nodded.

"If God thought we could all be righteous on our own he wouldn't have sent the prophets, he wouldn't have sent his only son to us," said the man in fedora.

I sipped on my coffee and then smiled, "I guess that's right, but what do I do to get better?"

"Well what started you feeling like this?" asked the man in the fedora.

"Recently I've noticed Justin is treating this whole thing like its just part of his job…all of the demons he's killed, he used to say it was doing God's work, but I notice he's getting distant, spiritually and emotionally," I stopped.

The man in the fedora ran his hand down the side of his face, through his beard, "I don't understand, how are you coming to that conclusion?"

"Well he's not enthusiastic about doing the right thing, he told Megan what we did 'didn't make a difference' a little while ago, she nearly hit him," I sipped the coffee, it was the only way to keep warm. "With the girls he seems to be somewhere else, Ashley even asked me about it," I paused to clear my throat. "And with me…when we're alone he's not the same, he may try to act the same, but I can just tell something is different. He kisses me like it's a routine and not a sign of Love…"

Now I knew I had divulged too much, my cheeks filled with red heat, blushing.

"Are you afraid there might be another woman?" he asked.

I laughed, "I suppose that would be the concerns of a normal woman," but I was anything but normal, "I'm not worried about that in the least, I am worried that he's losing the capability to love, and by trying to pull him back from there, I'm going in too."

"It's true, this job isn't pretty, and there's little room left optimism when you spend your days looking at the latest escapee from Hell," he told me.

"How have you done this for so long?" I asked.

"When I first became a priest I was just trying to help people, but when I got into the Order of Saint Michael and started fighting I figured it would be my life's work…" he started.

"What happened?" I asked.

"I saved this woman one day, and I never told your husband or anyone else all of this, but she was the most gorgeous thing I'd ever seen, like I was looking at a small part of God himself. She had the bluest eyes, dark brown hair with white blonde streaks that somehow just seemed to fit, and her skin was flawless and white like snow…" he took a long pause here and pulled his trench coat up around himself. I was listening intently.

Then he started again, "Coincidentally her name was Mary, and after a year of writing each other, talking on the phone and sometimes meeting up with her when I was near I realized that I was in love. I was ready to put my vows aside for her, I was ready to quit the priesthood. But when I went to tell her of this, a demon attacked and it managed to skewer her through. It was a coincidence, your husband had chased the thing for a half a mile, and it just happened that where they fought happened to be the place where she lived, it also just happened that it used her to try and reason with Justin, I put it down quick, only to find out she had been mortally wounded by its barb tail…we shared one kiss before she was gone."

I glared down at the table, "Wow, I just…wow."

"Persephanie, I will tell you this," he started "Things will get dark, they will get very dark, but its when the world around us gets dark that we tend to shine the brightest…" he said.

"But you…you still quit the priesthood, that wasn't even that long after we met you," she said.

"I quit because I failed," he said, "But I still fight with the Order of Saint Michael," he stood up straightening his hat on his head. I could see the long brown hair flowing out from underneath the fedora now.

I glanced up at him, "But do you fight for Love, or because of revenge?" I asked.

"That is hard to tell," he paused and turned away, "I'll give you my answer when I pull the last demon kicking and screaming into Hell." He was gone off into the parking lot where our cars were parked next to each other.

Such a contrast, my Porsche, only three years old; then next to it was his car, a 1967 Chevy Impala, large and boxy with that heavy frame.

I gathered my napkins around the still warm cup and stood up to walk to my car.

Black History Month

Yeah I know, it might seem kind of odd that I would bring this whole thing up so late in the month, its the last day. But I wanted to say something when I thought that it would be appropriate. I was in the car the other day with my sister—in—law's mother and father. We were having a discussion about something unrelated to race and her mother mentioned that she had a problem with black men marrying white women. I thought the comment was so stupid I laughed.

Why I thought it was so stupid is because we are sitting here wondering why so many problems relate back to race in today's society. I can look around where I am right now and see people of different races sitting distinctly apart from each other and having nothing to do with one another. When I know and you know that if these people over here would fuck those people over there, then they'd be all mixed and they're wouldn't be two separate groups of people staying apart. The fastest way to get rid of racism is mix the races. Remember when two Kingdoms were trying to become one what they used to do, have a prince from one marry a princess from the other.

If God didn't want races to mix he'd have made more than two sexes (already some people have found a loop hole).

Now this next thing is in response to something that I saw posted on that infinite well of useless information that is known as Myspace. Someone posted a bulletin about all of the injustice that has been done to whites in the last feel years, and I have to say that while I don't normally take a stance about issues of race, because I think most people need to let it go...I will say that some of the things I read in there were a little backwards.

Probably the only thing that really stuck out to me that I saw in this bulletin were that racial slurs only seemed to count when whites said them and that there isn't a white history month, but this is a black one. Okay for the first thing, who cares about racial slurs, my three best friends, one of them black, the other two white; one of the white ones calls me his nigger sometimes, you think I care if he does this? No! And yes I have been called that word by someone meaning it in a hurtful way, doesn't bother me. I might still hit them or something, but I just like to fight and am violent like that.

As for the black history month thing...have you looked at a history curriculum? Every month is white history month. I mean even in World History classes they usually focus on Western Europe, and when they aren't they're comparing it to that part of the world and relating things back to there. I am actually for them getting rid of Black History month and putting it into the rest of the school year according to when it happened. But that's just because I think history should be told in order and not broken up by who did it.

Credit Where Credit Is Due

I don't want to be this guy anymore, the one who is so easily walked on and who gets into dumb situations that he should have the common sense not to. And yet every time I look at it, every time these things come up I already know the answer. I made a bad choice and I should learn from it.

When you get your feelings trampled on enough you stop even looking at it like its something different, you stop caring as much for what you want and you just start thinking about others. Eventually you see that you haven't taken care of any of your needs in a long time and by that time you're in a habit.

I know so many other people that do this, they put their heart and feeling on the line like I do and they get nothing from it, maybe they get a slight bit of credit. But most of the time that credit is only spoken of in soft tones, "He's such a nice guy". The second that it comes time for any action everyone's forgotten you. You've faded back into a crowd of faces, you've faded back into the crowd of countless people who stopped giving a damn a long time ago, never gave a damn in the first place.

Then you just stop being nice, you stop trying to do right by anyone. You start to think that there's not enough good in the world for any of it to get back to you. Everyone is too busy trying to that thing they want, the one thing that is going to make their lives right. Some think they have found it and are trying to convince other to do the same. Anyone that worries about others, cares for one person or a lot of people just gets trampled on. They get walked all over by the people trying to get what they ware after.

Eventually you get tried of doing for others, you don't have the strength anymore because everyone has taken so much and nothing has been put back in. And even if a little gets put back in, its never enough to replace that which was taken. You get dwindled down. The girl who makes sure her boyfriend is happy, but gets thrown aside for trivial things and ignored, the mother who works two jobs to have her kids come home and be rude to her and leave her alone, the guy who wishes just one girl would make him feel as special as he makes her feel, the kid who busts his ass because his mother and father won't and takes care of all his little brothers and sisters...a lot of us fit into a motif like this. A lot of us are tired of getting shit on by the world.

Just yesterday I said some stuff about someone that was really mean and spiteful to Brandon and Andrew. And I think they think I was joking, but I was serious. I'm tired of watching everyone who is doing the wrong thing reap all the benefits. Let rapists be put to death, let cheating significant others get some STD, lets stop saying the Egyptians built the pyramids; they had slaves to do it and it wasn't their own people, let's never marvel at the Statue of Liberty again and not remember the French gave it to us.

Let's give credit where credit is due. If you know someone who has been nice to you, a thank you will suffice. Give that person the benefit of the doubt, don't ignore them. Because if you do, I just hope it comes around to bite you directly in the ass.

It's A Small World Afterall...

Well just like the title says, you would be shocked how you can go four hundred miles and find a common connection. Well first off I need to say that my first three test grades have been 84, 88, and 23/25...this I am proud of. But after getting my latest test back I was walking out of class with this girl I have been talking to some, not in that way, but she's pretty cool. Her name is Melanie.

Well Melanie was telling me she spent a semester in Florida and I asked her why, well she told me that she did and Internship with Disney. Well that is the same thing that someone else I know did, someone I don't talk to anymore, I won't name any names but...yeah.

It just seemed so strange to me that I knew two people who had done this same thing. I told her some about the fact that I knew someone who had been a part of the same program, as a matter of a fact they had even asked me if I wanted to do the same thing and I turned it down, I don't know why but I am glad I did.

This is just further proof that things aren't as disconnected as people would think.

Corruption of Innocence

If you're like me and you've been on the Internet for any amount of time, you've seen some things. Disturbing things that most human beings would cringe at, Tub Girl, Goatse, 4chan; these images or places on the Internet might not be known to all. But to those who know them they stick in your head. If you have not already seen them, I would suggest you don't, they are graphic and disgusting to the normal person. I spent a year working at an Internet forum, I built a tolerance. but it is the things like these images that let us know that the Internet is like the free market of jokes and anything else, there's a demand for everything out there, someone wants it and if you're around too long you will accidentally find it.

Now here's the thing I want to focus on specifically. Most of you know I am not a fan of porn, but the I can understand and rationalize porn. I don't need to explain the rationalization, we all know what porn is for. But the thing I cannot understand is animated porn, especially the kind where there are no people.

Someone recently reminded me that we ran across an ad for Finding Nemo porn one time, I almost clicked it just to see if they were serious. I mean no one could be turned on by that?! The only appeal of it is the shock that someone would twist up a story about fish (where one of the only female actresses in the movie wouldn't touch a guy in the first place) and make it something dirty.

I think its that people like seeing something innocent corrupted.

I mean had it been Aladdin, or Little Mermaid we would be shocked for a short while, but after so many Disney and kid movies, its just the same old thing. That won't draw the audience.

So what happens when animals, who don't even have sex in our terms, isn't enough to draw you in? Enter Cars porn. I kid you not. Now these are machines, it'd be like watching your toaster and blender go at it. Inter-appliance relations. How can the people doing this justify what they are doing? How can they think that this is not in some way feeding a sick fascination that people have with corruption?

How many men do you know who have fantasies about doing something corruptive to innocence. Let me give you a common one, and I'm not knocking having sexual fantasies, because it's not always a bad thing. But look at all of the guys who talk about women, or girls is what we should call them, in those Catholic School Girl Outfits. Believe it or not that's a corruption of innocence issue. The idea is that by wearing this outfit, the girl is portraying herself as innocent.

I think its a conquest thing. So many guys want to sleep with a girl her first time because its like going to the Moon, or like sailing uncharted waters, the first flight across the Atlantic; its just something to conquer to them. After doing it for a while there are no emotions involved, its just glorified self pleasure.

The End of Heartache

It's over...

But is that a bad thing? Should I be pissed off that I wasted all of my time on someone who didn't give a rats ass about me?

Well I should, but you know what, I will be fine knowing I'm over the heartache and the pressure to do right by someone who never tried to give me the common courtesy of doing right by me. People I have done a lot less for have been a whole lot nicer to me.

So for those who are wondering if I am mad at them, everyone who has should concern, they should know I am not mad. There are some out there who I am mad at, but they will remain nameless. What counts is that I'm going to pull through all of this because I made the promise to a friend that when she came back, I would be a better person. And I made a promise for myself that I would work to become a better person for the family I'll have one day, for the people that really do care about me, and for all of the things that people have done to help me out.

I am going to have to pull, and even though I'm still in pain, I have to press on. I have to do what I can to make it myself, with those who really want to help.

Here's to the end of heartache.

Rot In Hell

Here's to having less friends than you originally thought, not because they moved or because of something understandable like that, but simply because they really don't care about you. You know that thing you get in those annoying ass emails that says at least one person in the world loves you enough to take a bullet for you?

It's bullshit. No one cares about you most of the time, and you find it out the second that you fall on hard times. I'm tired of being walked on by people, and then even worse, having them turn around and laugh in my face about it.

So you know what, if you want to be my friend, I mean really, then tell me, otherwise go away. Because no friend ignores someone, no friend does any of the things a lot of these people have done. And I just have to say this, it won't make much sense to anyone but Julie, but thank you to her for actually being truthful and just not ignoring it means a lot when someone actually tells you something, instead of lying and avoiding the question.

And to those few who made me feel like this, I hope you rot in Hell. I really mean it.

King of Calamity

Well it began Sunday afternoon, its a period of time from the first weekend in February pretty much until Spring break that I dread every year. The Super Bowl, Valentines Day, My Birthday...things that almost undoubtedly end badly for me, regardless of my best efforts. My roommate Brandon called himself the King of Coincidence one time, I guess that makes me the King of Calamity. And this is the King:

Let's start with why I hate the Super Bowl...well here's my idea on sports. Watching sports is just about as useful as masturbation...with out the pay off. And there are plenty of things I could do all of a Sunday Afternoon that involved something more to my liking. I could play a game, write, talk to someone, tell PJ we're going to draw only to spend all of the time playing a game...anything. And the Super Bowl makes people do dumb shit, like ignore their wife all day or pay four million dollars for a commercial. (Now lets not get rash, the commercials are the only reason to watch this awful mess)

The Super Bowl is so out of hand they are having sales before it now...okay, I know what you are thinking, "But Justin the sales are on things you need for the big game." Well I have to ask you this then, where does it stop? I mean what's next, Popeye's Black History Month Sale? Not everything warrants us trying to press shit on people. I mean who buys a 6,000 dollar big screen for one game that, historically, has a tendency to be one sided?

But I could go on about that too long, my beef with Valentines Day, just once I want to take a special girl out and just make her happy, that's all. But you know what the problem is? The same problem there always is, even when I accomplish trying to surprise someone to make them happy, I usually fuck up something. Whether it be a big rose throne in my arm, girls not taking the gift, or me getting yelled at (it happened) there's always some issue.

Finally there is my birthday, which falls on a Friday this year (yay)...during Lent (oh...) Which means I won't be have meat that day, which is not a big deal, but then there is the kicker of the fact my birthdays have a way of turning into a shit storm before the calm. And this year might actually break the trend if my friends come down from San Antonio. But if not I will try and avoid this day's past repeating by just hanging out with PJ where nothing can possibly go wrong, besides me getting my ass kicked on Resistance Fall of Man, but that's a whole different story.

Hmm, on second thought I should have spelled Calamity with a K, it worked for Mortal Kombat...would you like to accept these KOINS as a token of my appreciation.

Give me Envy, Give me Mallice, Give Me Your Attention...

Alright, so I had a blast yesterday, especially considering the normal mood that I have been in these past few weeks. This girl that I met at a party, Charice, she and I went out and took a nice little number of photos. It was kind of reminiscent of the time I did the same thing with Heather and Mandy. But, I got a little more ambitious this time and I a wider range of scenery to work with, and less people milling around ruin my shots. Plus I didn't use the flash or any of the flash settings so my shutter speed was way up which meant I could catch little quirky things that she pulled.

(this is Mandy for those of you who don't remember)

Here now are the photos that I liked the best, just for the people here on blogger and facebook, hope you all enjoy them!

Charice had the idea to crawl down in this tube, you can't tell here, but there were like a million asshole kids running around.

I have always liked the shots of someone up high like this, the background is photo-shopped, surprisingly I was able to do it in like two minutes. Since my class taught me a few new tricks, my skills have gone up. PHOTO SHOP LEVEL UP!

What did we learn about motion shots? Well they are hard to do when you a slower shutter, the flash is just out of the question. But realistically I really liked this picture of her on the swing, there was on that was just as good, although I haven't gotten to it in photoshop yet to shrink it down and all of that. Brandon Beecham saw a raw of one of these, its monstrously huge.

This one was kind of on the spot, I didn't even see the bench until she pointed it out. When I took this the glare seemed like it might ruin things, but the view screen has a way of over exaggerating the glare.

Let's just say I was inches from the water when I took this, almost fell in. Water is wet...it was cold.

>Somewhere along the way we figured, "Maybe turning the camera on black and white will cut down the glare." Wrong!

Well the photo inserting thing is acting up, so that's all I have for now. Thanks for looking!

Iran

Been watching a lot of the news lately and I heard something very interesting, the prime minister of Iraq says that he thinks most of the violence going on in Iraq is actually being caused by Iranian operatives inside of Iraq. Now I don't know about anyone else, but I am starting to think that the President might have lied about the war in Iraq to get us over there so that he could set up a foot hold to fight Iran.

Then you have the fact that Egypt has gone on the record as saying, this is Egypt, one of the most stable Muslim countries, is saying now that they will have to start making nuclear weapons just because of the fact that they say they have to defend themselves against Iran who is trying to build an empire.

I am starting to think that this is not a war on the west, this is actually a war on anyone who is not a radical Muslim, the radicals want to control the rest of the world. Now most of this information I heard on the Glen Beck show, but a lot of it has been backed up by documents and other things he has show, and this is all on CNN, not some fly by night news broadcast. And while they have been wrong before, they don't out and out lie.

I hope that no matter what, who ever wins the election has the stones to handle a war with Iran, it looks like that's where we're headed.

Lilith

While doing more research for my second story, I came across some interesting stuff based on old Hebrew myth. Most if it has to do with the Lilithian myth. Lilith is the first wife of Adam, according to myth, most people haven't heard of this. But when Lilith was told she would have to lay below Adam during intercourse she became irate and argued with him telling him she would not comply.

Eventually she became so angry with him insisting that this happen that she yelled the name of God, which is a big no no, and flew off into the sky. God sent three Angels to get her, their names were Senoy, Sansenoy, and Semangelof. The names of these angels is a big deal because we can notice that they, much like Lucifer, do not possess the "el" in their names.

Lilith refused to return and the Angels told her that 100 of her children would die each day until she did. She still refused and chose to go off and mate with the demons that roamed the Earth. Now how the story research led me here...if I were to say it would give some of the story away, but I think it is a little interesting to think about this story. Because this would mean several things, one that Lilith was without Original sin, therefore she would be immortal. And two that the entire argument sounds very feminist in scope.

Add on that most of what we know about Lilith was found at a time when being a feminist was probably a crime about as bad as being a witch and would get you hanged. Now many of the more modern incarnations of Lilith have to do with pagan religion, sometimes even vampires come up as being the children of Liith, or Lillum (Lillin). Notice that the tense of the word is only feminine, the masculine, Lillus is hardly used.

I just thought all of this was a little interesting, of course I find strange shit like this to be of value you when almost none of it fits canonically with Bible, there is only one mention of Lilith there, which might be the only proof that any of this other shit is valid.

There's A Polite Way To Do This

It's not secret that I am not feeling all that good right now, and I am being honest. But I try to be nice with people on a one on one basis, just because. I'm trying to get out and meet new people, talk to them and that kind of thing. But it doesn't make sense why someone has to be so pissy when I just try to hold conversation with them. Especially when the conversation boils down to something small and nothing you should even get upset over. I'm sorry that you didn't want to talk right then, but you could have said that as soon as I started talking, or at least said it in a nice way.

And then we get to the point that you are online, on AIM and not even away or idle. I mean I understand there are reasons to be on and not want to talk, but put up an away or idle. I would rather have to see that and get ignored than have you get pissed and threaten to get mad at me for a ten message exchange in which I did nothing wrong other than show common interest in what you were doing.

People keep trying to tell me that humans are mostly good, I don't see it. All I see is assholes wearing masks.