WTF?!

Two blogs in one day? That's right I'm going crazy it would appear. I am excited though because its almost August and I am hoping I get to hear from Persephanie again. It would mean a lot to have that back in my life, to just secure things since I have lost so many friends for various reasons recently.

My friends have been some of the most important things to me over the years and to lose anymore would really just hurt. But actually gaining a real solid one back, someone I really cared for is the best possible thing right now. I might sound like everything this negative right now and all of this, I know some people might be pissed about the things I say and I'll say it before as I have, I don't usually care when people think I am saying something that pisses them off.

But I also don't think you should care so much about what I say. I continue to be nice to people despite the fact that I get walked on, I continue to try to make friends even when so many of them walk away, that's life right? Probably the best news about me in my current state is that I seem to have become the writer I once was. My writing has become crisp again and maybe heartache is my inspiration? I would hate that to be the case but who knows.

And to Kara: I try my best to never generalize as if its all women, I know several who are great people and don't do things like that...you included. I could name a lot of others. But one thing I will say is that women like you are hard to come by, people like you are hard to come by. There's not many good people left in the world and when someone says their a Christian or when someone says that they believe lying is bad, or that people should be straight forward its not always the case.

None of those things mean that the person believes what they are saying. I'm attracted to a certain type and it seems that some of them say the above things (I especially like religious women) and don't actually follow through on them. I know its sad really. But don't feel like I am talking to you when you read things like that. You have never been mean to me before and you're as far as I can tell the perfect kind of woman to date. Unfortunately there's not even enough of you out there...

...until August

My brother opened his eyes today for the second time all of the way, that's a big improvement. Shows how much my mom knows when she talks about all of her negative stuff. Today I was emotionally drained, I don't know what it is that's taking the toll on me or even if its anyone thing.

I manage to remain my usual self in the face of, well, everything. I can't say much about, well anything. I feel like I had my energy sapped right out of me, I slept from six this evening til eight and I still feel so tired. My arms can barely move, so I guess that this is the first sign I need a break. A real one. But it won't come any time soon.

But last night I started to think, its almost July, and then comes August. In August there's that glimmer of hope. And I pray that I am not stupid for waiting on someone to return. I've fought so hard to remain who I was before she went away. And when she comes back, I wonder if she will notice a change. Thanks to her, I realized I was worth more than what I thought, and thanks to her, I was able to cut the cords from some people who would sooner hurt me than help me.

Summer is in full force but I have something to look forward to. People think of Winter as symbolizing death but I disagree, winter is my most lively time. Winter is when I am at my best. I await the new school year...the cool winds, the rain and an old friend.

Do It For Me Now

My body is filled with...well I don't know what. I looked back at something I haven't touched since the day I last spoke to you. You were eighteen years old and one day. It was the saddest day I've had since...well since a long time ago and I haven't been whole since then. But right when I was thinking of doing the wrong thing, the stupid thing. You saved me again, you've always been there to pull me out, even when you weren't really there.

What follows is your words, untouched by pencil or cursor. Words that struck me so hard that I know what I need to do.

Hey. Things are actually not going good at all...and it concerns us. When I came home from school with your presents, my parents kind of freaked because they don't know who you are and wonder if we have been secretly hanging out, which led to "do you talk to him online?" thing. They found out that I talk to you on myspace, and they feel really uncomfortable with me talking to an older guy that they don't even know. So, they are making me do the same thing I had to do with Heather. I don't really understand myself, and so I bet you won't either, and that's ok. And yes, i'm 18, an adult, but I still live under my parents rules until I leave for college. This is incredibly hard for me to do since it is going against my own will and desires. Justin, you are an amazing guy! You truly are! And I don't want this friendship to end...but I have to do this or I'll get in so much more in trouble. Please, please, do this for me, and soon we'll be able to get back to talking again. I have to sadly delete you from my friends. That's why I cannot have you on facebook. Please forgive me! I hope that when I leave for college and that I am finally free, I am able to speak to you again without ambivalent attitudes from my parents. I know this is hard, i mean, it's hard for me too! I'm so sorry. I want you to know something though: to thine own self be true. Justin, there will be many obstacles ahead, and I'm sad because I won't be there to help you when you need it! But please remember to be yourself, night to day, every single moment of the day! Cause being you is why I cherish this friendship! Please promise me to do that, and I promise you that I will come back to you once I am on my own! I hope that day will come soon! Thanks for everything..for you have truly been a wonderful, fantastic, marvelous friend!

If I don't shape up, and get back on track, who will she find when she comes back? Well I'm not going to even humor that question. There you have it, hon, you're boys back on track. I think for the first time in months, I'm back. After all, its what you wanted.

God blessed me with a wit, with attitude enough to stand up to others, against moral wrongs, to strike out where I saw tyranny even in the smallest degree. And that's what she admired. I seem to have gotten that back today. I've read just one thing and found the strength to carry on through all that's happening. I have to say sorry to Kara, I promised her a blog today about how evil men are, rest assured she'll have it soon. It might be worse now that I am back like this.

Improvement

I don't have much to say right now. Just that I have been spending some time trying to get something done with the comic and the characters. Here is a drawing of one of them. It's not inked yet, but I think that the lines are pretty clean. What do you think?

Will I Ever Be Just A Memory?

There really hasn't been that much around me in the sense of encouragement as of late. I'm not sure what else I can say about it all. The thing about it is I have been doing better than I usually do with things like school, but then things with most of my friends aren't going so well. I think the only person that I am on really good terms with as far as my old friends go is Prentiss, and we've never been on bad terms.

Last night I talked to Tiffany, yes Tiffany...Prentiss' ex. She and I talked for a few hours actually and we shared a lot of what had gone on. I think she was shocked to hear how much some things had changed around here. And she let me in on a few secrets about girls, things I had thought but I wasn't sure if the girls actually noticed. Well, was I shocked to find out not only did they notice, they took it into consideration.

I started to think about Persephanie again, it's been two months since she and I haven't been able to talk. And people say it gets better with time. Everyday it seems to get worse, the dreams, the thoughts of her and just wishing we could talk. I think this whole thing is really fucked up because realistically she was the best source of emotional support I had. I remember I wrote those lyrics from the Something Corporate song, I've realized that I relied on you, like yellow does on blue. That's how I feel, that is how I felt back then even.

And maybe relying on a friend so much makes you weak, but it feels good. Just like ignorance is bliss; loving someone in whose eyes you never seem capable of doing any wrong is special. It's like being a hero. Sometimes I wonder, when we talk again in a few months will she still see that hero? Will she see me be so different that I won't matter anymore. In all those months will she even remember me. Her last words to me were, "I'll always love you". But I worry she won't even remember me. And that's my greatest fear.

Chicago Is So Two Years From Now

When we were in high school we all thought of Spring Break being something really magical, where you and your friends could get out alone and just be yourselves. Every time you saw a movie about college kids and Spring Break was involved you knew what they would be up to...drinking, partying, and other illicit activities. Now I am certainly not saying that these are the kinds of things that we should seek.

I'm no more a believer in getting drunk and random sexual acts than I ever was, but the point is that you would think if those people could do that, then maybe I would be able to do some lesser things, hang out with friends, not get hassled, go out of town for one or two days. Little things like that.

Well the reality is that the things you see in the movies are lies. No one parties like that on Spring Break, the majority of the people I know spent their break working, busting their ass at some job for the regular hours they are usually there. I spent most of mine stuck here at my parents house, nothing to do and no one to hang out with, the few times I did do something it was short lived, with the exception of hanging out with PJ Saturday and Friday.

But I wanted to go to San Antonio, I wanted to see my friends, hang out, I had pictures I needed to take for school, that got canceled. I really don't want to spend another moment with my family right now, any part of them. I don't want to be around them because they've been pretty rude to the fact that I am even supposed to be on break. I spent fifteen dollars this week, fifteen dollars of my own money and I heard nothing but complaining about it afterwards.

And that was because I bought a movie that I had wanted since I first saw it in theaters, (Casino Royal) but I think that this will be some of the last time I spend here at the house, I think already that I want to move further away from my family than I have ever been. Every choice I make gets questioned by them, even ones like who I choose to like or how late I sleep on my own break.

I know I only talked about it in passing with most people, and that most probably thought I wasn't serious, but now that I think about it moving to Chicago sounds better and better.

Down Points And Shades of Gray

This morning I went to a place that I hadn't even thought about in probably thirteen years. I went back to my old elementary school. You see before I moved out to Manvel, before my mother died when I was six, I lived in Spring, Texas and I went to school right where my nephew goes now.

Of course, that was all fourteen years ago. And now I fee old, fourteen years. From the moment that we stepped into the cafeteria it was kind of creepy. I mean when i think of that place everything was so huge. I was so tiny. I remember not being able to see over things, and now those same things barely reach my waist. I remember it taking forever to walk down those halls after recess but because my stride is bigger now the walk is barely even registrable as a walk.

I took my nephew this morning because of the Donuts for Dad's event that was going on at his school. His dad, my brother was out of town on account of business. Funny though, they were doing the exact same event when I was his age and my father couldn't make it, the price of having a dad as a doctor. I suppose sometimes I think that I wish I had more time with my parents, you know before I got to that age where I realized half of what they told me was bullshit and that they annoy the Hell out of me.

But I wonder what the me back then would say if he met the me now. I don't even think little kids know what to say. Their minds don't work the same, they're more abstract. And the world they observe, even though it might be the same world we observe, is a much happier place when you don't have over a decade of grief backing it up. When my mom died that was probably when I realized that bad things didn't just happen on television. And that when bad things happened they weren't resolved in thirty minutes with time enough for commercial breaks.

I used to watch a lot of Nick at Night when I was a kid, now there is a world you would want to live in,want your kids to live in. All of that wonder and hope, all of the problems ironing themselves out in one or two episodes. No grief and best of all, no shades of gray. Because the shades of gray are what really get you in life, the areas where its hard to tell right from wrong and your moral compass is going berserk.

Life, well life now, seems to just be marked by a series of down points and the areas of gray fogginess. And the trick, I've learned is to learn what down points to dodge, which ones you can't and how to take a hit. Through all of this gray fog you can't see far ahead and some things aren't always morally spelled out.

There's Nothing Left Here

In all honesty you've seen the last there is of me to see because there's nothing left there to see. So don't be surprised if I've stopped caring about most of the dumb shit people worry about on a day to day basis and don't be shocked if I sound bitter. I am bitter, I'm going to be bitter and the reasoning behind this is because not only do I never get what I want, I never even get what I need. I never even get to be happy or enjoy something as simple as a really close friend.

All I asked was to keep this one thing so I'd have some level of sanity left, someone to ground me here in the world and to support me. Yeah I have other friends but none have had the effect of this one in the short time that she was there. So I don't want to drag this out, I just want to say don't expect me to be the same. I'm not, I'm not going to be for a long time. I promised I would be better when all of this is over, but I really don't see how I will.

I lost a friend, and it might be for a long time. It might not. Yes I'm hurting over it but this is only the latest thing to have gone wrong in a string of things I can't even begin to comprehend. Above all else I wanted this one person by my side and it seems she wouldn't be due to circumstances that neither of us can control.

One of my best friends gone, and all I can say is that this is probably the worst year yet. It's not even Feburary and I feel like that already. My spirit's pretty much crushed and I don't even want to know what the rest of this time is going to hold, I just want her back.

Like Yellow Does On Blue

Right now I am sitting in the hallway at the school, typing on the lap top and just wondering, what I can do to get back on my feet. I'm so tired right now that I am sore. I am actually trying really hard in school this time around. And I know that it is going to take a lot out of me. This weekend was pretty bad, I won't go into details but out of all the good jokes that came out of this weekend, it really still wasn't worth it.

The only things that I really got to do this weekend were get a few things and drop of Persephanie's gift, I saw my friends, but it got ruined, by myself of all people. I really just want to avoid everyone right now, or most everyone. I really don't feel all that great.

I talked to Persephanie on her birthday, by the way happy birthday to her, and she made me feel a little better. She's always pulling for me, there are a few people who are. I wonder if I really deserve with the way I have been lately. I owe a lot of people apologies that I'm not willing to give them in person. I'm not even willing to look them in the eye.

Things are, to say the least, very confusing right now. I'm lost and without a map. But something happened on the way home from San Antonio, I heard something in a song that made me think back on how much I depend on some people. How much people depend on us. I rely on one person especially for support. The line from the song says it perfectly, "I can't deny that I've relied on you, like yellow does on blue".

The prospect of losing this person has come up, and the reasons aren't in my hands. 2007 is quickly becoming a contender for the title of shittiest year ever, but then it has to go up against high school (2000-2004) which was a four-peat and lets not forget the shitfest (shitstorm if you will) that was last year. If this keeps up I might just Falcon Punch somebody.

What Is Unattainable?

What I wrote yesterday seemed to illicit some response. I guess its because so many guys have gotten shit on by the whole thing. All that I have to say in the defense of the women is I can figure while you do it. And its something that Chris Rock said, because really when the guy is talking he speaks a lot of truth for a comedian.

Basically what he said was that the reason that women are so defensive is because from the time they are about fourteen years old they have men trying to offer them sex.

Now before any of you girls call my bluff think about the number of times you've had guys go out of their way for you, now think back to how long those guys stuck around after they figured out they weren't getting any. Even I am guilty of this. Not in the same way that I stated. But I've been trying to talk to a woman, get their attention and the like and then I notice a wedding ring and I scatter like roaches when the light comes on.

Does it make me a bad guy if I lose interest in a woman when I realize she's unattainable? I mean some people would say that its just me being shallow that I don't get to know the person first, but I assure you that I think her husband would beg to differ.

But there are some girls who aren't unattainable, but they are just harder to go for. Recently I started to think about what it would take to go after someone who you really cared for and what it was worth. What I mean by that is that if you think the person is so important that you can't stand to let them pass by. And even then there is always that time when you just have to chalk it up to that unattainable category. Right now I am trying to decide what to do.

Sliding Doors

This was written by Persephanie, seems strangely similar to my plight right about now. I told her that, but not the exact details of everything. Well tell me what you think. This was originally posted on myspace.

You might be wondering what I meant by "sliding doors". There are many times in a person's life where one ponders on the idea of the "What ifs". What if the south won in the Civil War? What if Kerry won against Bush? What if you break up? What if you don't get into the college of your dreams? What if something happens beyond your control, and you aren't prepared for it? There are endless "what ifs" in a person's lifetime, but how do we handle them?

Recently, something has made me think of the sliding door metaphor. The door can open one way or the other, yet I have no choice in the situation. I become the spectator, observing my life transforming while my feet are cemented into the floor not allowing me to make any moves. However, despite the fact that we can't see what the future holds for us, we can do one thing: keep our chin up.

I know this is corny, but we cannot give up, we cannot stop fighting the good fight, we cannot let the "what ifs" bring us down. Never. Keep on smiling, laughing, and living. The worst thing in life is allowing something or someone kick us so hard in the ass that it kills the inside of our hearts, minds, and souls. Like I say, I'm no superman and I can't do this all on my own, but hell, I'm going to try my damned best to win, whether it's the war or just a small battle. And the battle can just be proving the world that you've got what it takes to stay on your feet.

Sometimes The Hardest Thing And The Right One Are the Same

Have you ever said something to someone only to realize exactly what you were saying later and to really come to grasp it? I was talking about this song by The Fray with the line in it "Sometimes the hardest thing and right one are the same..." That line right there may not mean much when you look at it, but it makes me wonder.

There are always those times when you say you're going to work through something no matter what it is and you are going to get things to work out, then there are those times when you just give up and let things fall by the wayside. But how do you decide when its just time to throw in the towel? Right now there is this girl, she seems unattainable. She's younger, she's moving away and she just seems too nice and too good looking for me. Despite every other girl that comes around I have been unable to get her off my mind since the moment I heard her name.

Even she is always telling me to try for what I want and to fight for it, does that mean she wants to see me do that for her? I'm not sure if I have much more fight left in me. And then, how do you let someone know that all you want and need in life is them really? You can't just say it to someone like that, there's no way that could be taken the right way.

Now there is another girl, who I really haven't known long, but I am willing to try if she is. The only thing is that I don't want to miss my chance with the first girl. I'm so confused as to what to do. Both of them are really sweet and I don't know where do go with either of them next.

Not sure if anyone else has ever been in this place, but it is not fun. Right now I am racking my brain thinking about it. Man I suck at life.