How to tell you don’t matter

A friend of mine is getting married and had an engagement bash. There wasn’t an invite for me, which tells me something about that friend because they invited a lot of other people. Many of which I didn’t know they were that close to.

It tells me to distance myself from that friend some more.

I actually don’t mind not being invited, but it is telling of where I stand with someone when they don’t tell me about the party to celebrate their engagement. I would think it was secret, clandestine—if I hadn’t seen the pictures posted and tagged on Facebook for the world to see. I’ll never mention the event, but it tells me a lot.

I’m not known for feeling like I matter or I’m important or whatever else. And with my birthday coming up soon it seems like I should feel like that, just for a while. My job doesn’t make anyone feel appreciated (and I think they like it that way). Many of the people around me don’t seem to care whether I’m there or not. So its just what I feel about myself. I’d come with a disclaimer. Sorry—I’m not worth it. But that’s just a self fulfilling prophecy. 

Edit: Just looked through my blogs categories. I’ve got about fourteen fucking million on this mirror of the blog. This place is old…

Dusk And Summer

Well this is my end of summer report...I guess we can call it that. If I had written this exactly a week ago, it would have been a totally different story. I would have had to say that this was the most uneventful and bland summer, and that besides the bad nothing happened that I could call something good.

Well I will have to take that back. I made a new friend and after that I could look back on the things that happened over this summer that weren't all bad. I really did spend most of the first half of the summer alone. I think that for someone who has depression this is really the right way to help them, am I right? But there were a few occasions I got to see my friends and just hang out with them. I don't count school because there such a time constraint and limit on what you can do.

Anyway, I also go to go see people like Brandon, Tarin, and Heather. It was nice seeing all of them, Brandon let me stay with him and we had some great times watching the Angry Video Game Nerd. We set up and talked, went outside and just had cigars and it was like old times again. That's something I really missed and kind of felt empty without. Rickey and I just hung out and talked, I kept him up just like old times. And Heather has been supportive and has helped me through some pretty hard times and all with my brother.

I didn't get to see Prentiss as much, but I talked on the phone with him often enough that it was the same. We are always the same and I am convinced that this is how we will continue to be. Tarin I only got to see one time and it was only for a few hours. It was awkward because her new boyfriend was someone I had never met and I am sure he didn't like me. He's not the type of guy I would hang around with but I would say that none of the guys she dates are. But it was still great to see her and I got some pictures out of the deal.

Also I got a lot of writing done this summer, and insane amount. And I am glad for that because I felt like I really wasn't getting anywhere before.

But one of the things that happened this summer that came out of nowhere was Kat, we met on a forum site for Naruto and was later realized that she lived like right across from me in another subdivision. I really only spoke to her because she went to school in San Marcos and knew Stephanie Adams. But in such a short time I made friends with someone who is eerily similar to me and just so much fun to be around. Thanks for being there Kat and making this summer so much better than it is.

Sadly the one thing I promised to do this summer, beat Final Fantasy XII, hasn't happened yet, because I am a lazy person and I hate keeping promises to myself.

Fortune Cookie

I haven't written in this blog in what seems like forever. In actuality there has been real reasons for my choice not to write as much in here. Collectively over the last few weeks I have written over fifty pages of stuff that was story alone, this does not include the papers for school. And as I write this right now I have two more papers ahead of me before I can rest.

This last week has been turbulent to say the least but it ended up being one of the best weeks yet. Having someone nearby who I could hang out with and just go out and do stuff with has been comforting. That sense of not belonging and just not having a place I've felt since, oh I don't know, about September of last year seemed lifted for a while in the last place I expected that to happen. Right here in Spring.

Its hard not to think of the fortune from earlier this week in the half assed cookie in which it was housed. You will face new challenge everyone reads this kind of stuff the same. The fortune is bad news, just eat the cookie and when you bad news comes it will seem less cosmic...you won't feel like God has an out for you if the cookie didn't tell you that you had this coming

But what if the challenge isn't a bad one, even though the cookie didn't tell you the answer it sure as Hell predicted what will happen. And as a person who usually scoffs that these sorts of things. I have to say that no challenge is without at least looking at to see if its worth taking on. Few will read this blog, even fewer will understand it, even less than that I will want to understand it.

But know this, the last few months have been turmoil, uncertainty, life changing. This week I had an epiphany, an eleventh hour awakening that has set me up for the next stage of life. And to think, a little strip of paper with a line of lotto numbers on one side and a sentence on the other might just have triggered it.

Taste

Here's something that I have been thinking about every since I mentioned it to Rickey last weekend when I was staying with him. He made the claim that he and I have bad luck with women and that women have bad taste in men. I corrected him that there are women out there with good taste in men. But he and I have a problem with our tastes. We have a preference for women who happen to have bad taste in men.

The thing is that sometimes the girls I like seem to have some good sense and be very sweet people, I can think of one right now. Other times I can get hung up on some girls I never should have liked in the first place. I don't know what my problem is. I think I might need to change my tastes for the most part, but how do you go about doing that.

Has anyone else noticed...but me=clueless.

...until August

My brother opened his eyes today for the second time all of the way, that's a big improvement. Shows how much my mom knows when she talks about all of her negative stuff. Today I was emotionally drained, I don't know what it is that's taking the toll on me or even if its anyone thing.

I manage to remain my usual self in the face of, well, everything. I can't say much about, well anything. I feel like I had my energy sapped right out of me, I slept from six this evening til eight and I still feel so tired. My arms can barely move, so I guess that this is the first sign I need a break. A real one. But it won't come any time soon.

But last night I started to think, its almost July, and then comes August. In August there's that glimmer of hope. And I pray that I am not stupid for waiting on someone to return. I've fought so hard to remain who I was before she went away. And when she comes back, I wonder if she will notice a change. Thanks to her, I realized I was worth more than what I thought, and thanks to her, I was able to cut the cords from some people who would sooner hurt me than help me.

Summer is in full force but I have something to look forward to. People think of Winter as symbolizing death but I disagree, winter is my most lively time. Winter is when I am at my best. I await the new school year...the cool winds, the rain and an old friend.

How Many Times Can You Say?

I feel horrible, I might have taken something out on the wrong person, someone I really cared about. I can't take seeing others that I care for get hurt and I can't stand to see them go through a lot of pain and get constantly hurt like that. It has an effect on me and I don't mean for it to. But pain in another person is easier to ignore if you don't know that person. I feel terrible now for the things I said.

Social Revolution

I don't think I have ever made a bigger mistake than letting people back into my life when they chose themselves to walk out. I shouldn't be so willing to accept them. Whether they call me up needing advice or I just bump into them, when I let someone back in who openly walked out on me after all my attempts to call out to them, what I do is easy to describe, I end up getting walked on.

You see I am not so good at saying no to someone. But you can rest assured that I am working on that. Like I think I have said before, my first mistake was caring too much, letting people back into my life falls under that. I work so hard to get the attention of the people who want me least and I am sure I am not the only one. I've stopped caring about honor, respect from others and who's toes I step on. I am seeing now that the more you walk on eggshells, the more your own values get broken.

We can't be afraid to step on toes, to be counter cultural and throw a wrench in the works. By appealing to the masses for how to act socially we have lost the ability to strike out. I think we should make it back to where people want to tell the truth, want to be good to others, maybe it just takes something a little bit more evil than the good its being done in the name of? "We have our share of Ghandis. We need a General Patton." I'm not going to be afraid to tell someone I know they're wrong for doing this or that to me, I'm not going to be afraid to step on their toes or get rid of friends who can't seem to stop taking and give once in a while.

I've got this feeling that this is the start of a large storm, that socially this country is about to turn over on itself and force its way back to a more conservative value system. I think this country is about ready for the fruits of its own labor to come bite it in the ass. I couldn't agree more that there's a social revolution coming. Our war shall be a war of words. The battlefield will be the hearts and minds of everyone here. The weapons shall be ideals and morals, vlaues and belief systems that are fair to more.

I watch the news and I see people becoming fed up, I feel like this could be the start of something very big.

I feel the way bank robbers must feel just before they go out on that last big job that ends up getting them all killed.

That is to say, optimistic.

All At Once

There are certain people you just keep coming back to

She is right in front of you

You begin to wonder could you find a better one

Compared to her now she's in question



And all at once the crowd begins to sing

Sometimes the hardest thing and the right thing are the same




Maybe you want her, maybe you need her

Maybe you started to compare to someone not there



Looking for the right one you line up the world to find

Where no questions cross your mind

But she won't keep on waiting for you without a doubt

Much longer for you to sort it out



And all at once the crowd begins to sing


Sometimes the hardest thing and the right thing are the same



Maybe you want her, maybe you need her

Maybe you started to compare to someone not there

Maybe you want it, maybe you need it

Maybe it's all you're running from

Perfection will not come



And all at once the crowd begins to sing

Sometimes


We'd never know what's wrong without the pain

Sometimes the hardest thing and the right thing are the same



Maybe you want her, maybe you need her

Maybe you've started to compare to someone not there

Maybe you want it, maybe you need it

Maybe it's all you're running from

Perfection will not come



Maybe you want her, maybe you need her


Maybe you had her, maybe you lost her to another

To another

Season Finale

It would appear one of the problems has taken care of itself before the end of the season(see my last note/blog), which is usually the way with the sweeps type things. I just wanted to say that, my missing friend was found only a day after she went missing, alive but in the hospital.

Other things are still there, all of the time, other problems that are still yet to be resolved. But in time I guess.

Sweeps

For those of you who either don't watch television much or who haven't worked the a television website like me, sweeps is the time of year when all of the shows start pressing their plots and squeezing all of the juice out. Trying to bleed out all they can in the ratings. Basically this is the last three or four weeks of the season of the show when everything comes to a head.

This might mean like in Supernatural that Sam is going to die and Dean needs to think of something to do, or in the case of Smallville the bad guy faces off with Clark and the other characters are caught in the midst of battles themselves, you could take Buffy's example and this could mean that the Apocalypse is coming and the big bad is rearing its ugly head.

The basic idea of sweeps is that almost no one is safe, characters die, get married, have kids, get injured horribly, or make startling revelations. The idea is to draw everyone into the show, make the watchers who record or sort of just skim the episodes stick and really watch. This also makes people watch the next season to see the overall outcome of the things that happened, a lot of times Sweeps ends on a cliff hanger.

Right now, my life feels like its going through sweeps, and its almost the right time of year too. My brother is still in a coma, with two women fighting over him I might add, I got punched, got in an argument with a person over a girl, one of my friends is missing and no one is sure where she went, my depression seems to be getting worse and school isn't really going easy for me either.

What gets me is that just like in the shows, I feel like this is the start of it. I feel like there's a storm coming and its going to be bad. I feel like its time to batten down the hatches and pray for the best. What would the best be? Well August and September is when most shows start back up, the best would be Persephanie and I talking again, me getting help, and my friend who ran off too, my brother waking up after the women fighting over him cool off, school working out in the end and me learning how to handle the stress. Hmm, and maybe a summer romance...

After all, no matter the loses, Dean brings Sam back, Clark beats the bad guy, and Buffy overcomes the Apocalypse. My hope is that we'll all come through this, no losses. With that, I need to get off here, got stuff to do. And if you are out there Jess reading this, I'm gunning for you, for the best thing for you.

As back in old times, I'll say it like I used to on my LJ:

_{See you, space cowboy}

Fickle

It's true that people are fickle, they make it no secret that their loyalties only last as long as you're some good to them or popular. This is apparent in all forms of media; music, television, movies and even books. People only remember who you are as long as you are on the best seller list or in the big block buster. Any one of us could be like those stars, a few years down the road from being a pop trivia question or a VH1 special.

Not surprisingly enough, the Internet is one of the best places to see this, with things like myspace, facebook, instant messengers and even forums; people form these bonds on them as if they are together in real life, they do many of the things real life friends do without the element of actually being there. Sometimes those bonds grow into something more than a friendship...

But all too often those bonds aren't built to last, one or both of the parties don't take things as seriously as they would with a real friend. And the Internet is a breeding ground for phony people. People who can pretend to be what they're not. People who can stab you in the back from a world away and never have to own up to it because there's never any way for you to look them in the eye, there's always that block button...

A programmer would tell you that time matters very little to data, that as long as the container the data is stored in whether it be a hard drive or CD remains safe, the data will not degrade or corrupt from age alone. But on the Internet, a system made entirely of bits of data, time seems to be all that matters. Not just time in the ebay auction sense, but time as in how long you have talked to someone.

A "friend" you have talked to for years might suddenly forget you if you don't see them online for a month, not answering an email or message fast enough might mean you get deleted from a "friend's" contact list and address book; a myspace friend you added less than a week ago can delete you because you haven't spoken to them since the day of the add. If anyone here thinks I am joking, I have had both of these happen to me. If a person who is too far away to even drive in a day can receive and open and message within seconds after you sending, why shouldn't it be that the same person when replying can't think bad things of you when you don't reply to the same message in seconds.

If there's one thing you can be sure about people, its that you can't trust them, most of them are out to get something. A lot of them lie or are two faced, I know people right now who I can tell and prove are two faced or act other than they want to appear to others. For every kind hearted action on the Internet, there seems to be three evil ones.

Think Positive? Hmph!

I'm trying to be more positive, but people make it harder, I kind of wish that I could just go back to writing about the normal things that I do, but my whole life changed pretty dramatically pretty fast about a week ago. I am going to have to adjust to things slowly over time it seems.

Also I was wondering, is it that hard to notice you're ignoring someone? I mean really, its really annoying when someone does it to you, so why wouldn't you just make the effort to talk to someone, especially when they are in need of friends right now. I don't have many friends in this town and even the ones I have in San Antonio, most of them are really busy and I never get to see or talk to them.

So if you re someone I talk to, and you want to ignore me, just do my a favor and don't even talk to me. It makes me feel pretty bad to have it happen and I already feel bad enough without it, even though I am trying my hardest not to.

The Great Disappointment

I want to start off by asking that you keep my very good friend Jessica in your prayers. I can't say much more about it than that. But I'd be glad if you prayed for her.

Two thousand seven has thus far been a terrible year, most of the people that mattered to me most are stripped away. I've been sick pretty often, I wrecked my car and on a scale of things happening globally, there's more wars going on than I can count. Some just think that we're undergoing growing pains and that the world will come out of it shortly. I am under the impression that all of these things are actually a death rattle.

Every year seems to get progressively worse, every event that I see seems to be worse than the thing like it that it follows. Anything good or nice gets squashed as soon as it appears. The world has been a rotten place to an awful lot of people. Most of the time these are the people who never deserved it, who never saw it coming.

This world is a mess, created by God and yet thrown so far from where it should be. Not reflecting what he intended at all, and he must have known it would be this way, he is after all God.

What's the great lesson here? Everything good is so rare, its so unique and when you find something good, hold onto it? I can't ever seem to do that last part. The good things usually only last me a few weeks at best. A good feeling is something I can hardly remember now. Not feeling lonely is something that I haven't known in almost a year. And I am beginning to think no one loves. When you love someone you don't leave them. You don't ignore them or not talk to them. You are willing to fight for them.

Love seems more and more like an abstract concept invented to just keep people happy, give them an unreachable standard to live up to. If you believe God is perfect, and God is love, therefore love is perfect. If you also believe no one person can be perfect, no one person has the ability to love. And I'm betting the chances don't look to good for two people either.

For a long time I thought that I could come and help everyone rid themselves of their problems. Help people feel better and whatever else. I'm done doing that, I find most people aren't worth the time I wasted trying to help them, I can think of a few right off the top of my head but I won't name names.

As for Jessica, I will wait and try to help her, because she was the last person I remember making me feel any kind of good. She was the only one recently who talked to me and made things just a little better. I could actually smile with her. A few others of you out there I think deserve help. But to those who don't...you'll know that I've given up on you.

Do It For Me Now

My body is filled with...well I don't know what. I looked back at something I haven't touched since the day I last spoke to you. You were eighteen years old and one day. It was the saddest day I've had since...well since a long time ago and I haven't been whole since then. But right when I was thinking of doing the wrong thing, the stupid thing. You saved me again, you've always been there to pull me out, even when you weren't really there.

What follows is your words, untouched by pencil or cursor. Words that struck me so hard that I know what I need to do.

Hey. Things are actually not going good at all...and it concerns us. When I came home from school with your presents, my parents kind of freaked because they don't know who you are and wonder if we have been secretly hanging out, which led to "do you talk to him online?" thing. They found out that I talk to you on myspace, and they feel really uncomfortable with me talking to an older guy that they don't even know. So, they are making me do the same thing I had to do with Heather. I don't really understand myself, and so I bet you won't either, and that's ok. And yes, i'm 18, an adult, but I still live under my parents rules until I leave for college. This is incredibly hard for me to do since it is going against my own will and desires. Justin, you are an amazing guy! You truly are! And I don't want this friendship to end...but I have to do this or I'll get in so much more in trouble. Please, please, do this for me, and soon we'll be able to get back to talking again. I have to sadly delete you from my friends. That's why I cannot have you on facebook. Please forgive me! I hope that when I leave for college and that I am finally free, I am able to speak to you again without ambivalent attitudes from my parents. I know this is hard, i mean, it's hard for me too! I'm so sorry. I want you to know something though: to thine own self be true. Justin, there will be many obstacles ahead, and I'm sad because I won't be there to help you when you need it! But please remember to be yourself, night to day, every single moment of the day! Cause being you is why I cherish this friendship! Please promise me to do that, and I promise you that I will come back to you once I am on my own! I hope that day will come soon! Thanks for everything..for you have truly been a wonderful, fantastic, marvelous friend!

If I don't shape up, and get back on track, who will she find when she comes back? Well I'm not going to even humor that question. There you have it, hon, you're boys back on track. I think for the first time in months, I'm back. After all, its what you wanted.

God blessed me with a wit, with attitude enough to stand up to others, against moral wrongs, to strike out where I saw tyranny even in the smallest degree. And that's what she admired. I seem to have gotten that back today. I've read just one thing and found the strength to carry on through all that's happening. I have to say sorry to Kara, I promised her a blog today about how evil men are, rest assured she'll have it soon. It might be worse now that I am back like this.

Cuddle

I think it might be too late for this. Right now I don't really know what's going on with me, inside my head or anywhere else for that matter. I keep thinking something is wrong but I don't know what. Maybe its just that I am not true to myself, maybe its that I forgot how to be. I miss so many things about last semester, some of them I don't miss at all. But I miss having other people around to talk with.

Sadly I miss most of my friends in San Antonio, some of you I had barely begun to hang out with, like Wesley. I miss hanging out on couches talking until the wee hours of the morning and most of all I miss having someone to cuddle up next to and just watch a movie. I want all of those things back.

Hookah is another thing I miss, because it became such a regular part of social interaction for me. I miss Law & Order and bad movies picked out by Brandon. Right now I just wish I had someone nearby I knew, someone familiar that I could talk with. I guess I have made some new guy friends, but no girls. And I really thrive on the company of girls because I feel comfortable around them, with guys I'm defensive, brash, down right rude and pretty much an asshole. With girls, most of the time, I don't have to be. I don't relate to most guys because all they care about are titties and...well titties. And I have really made like four new friends here, but that's it.

I need to get out more, I need to find a way to meet people. I'm really just not cut out for this.

Credit Where Credit Is Due

I don't want to be this guy anymore, the one who is so easily walked on and who gets into dumb situations that he should have the common sense not to. And yet every time I look at it, every time these things come up I already know the answer. I made a bad choice and I should learn from it.

When you get your feelings trampled on enough you stop even looking at it like its something different, you stop caring as much for what you want and you just start thinking about others. Eventually you see that you haven't taken care of any of your needs in a long time and by that time you're in a habit.

I know so many other people that do this, they put their heart and feeling on the line like I do and they get nothing from it, maybe they get a slight bit of credit. But most of the time that credit is only spoken of in soft tones, "He's such a nice guy". The second that it comes time for any action everyone's forgotten you. You've faded back into a crowd of faces, you've faded back into the crowd of countless people who stopped giving a damn a long time ago, never gave a damn in the first place.

Then you just stop being nice, you stop trying to do right by anyone. You start to think that there's not enough good in the world for any of it to get back to you. Everyone is too busy trying to that thing they want, the one thing that is going to make their lives right. Some think they have found it and are trying to convince other to do the same. Anyone that worries about others, cares for one person or a lot of people just gets trampled on. They get walked all over by the people trying to get what they ware after.

Eventually you get tried of doing for others, you don't have the strength anymore because everyone has taken so much and nothing has been put back in. And even if a little gets put back in, its never enough to replace that which was taken. You get dwindled down. The girl who makes sure her boyfriend is happy, but gets thrown aside for trivial things and ignored, the mother who works two jobs to have her kids come home and be rude to her and leave her alone, the guy who wishes just one girl would make him feel as special as he makes her feel, the kid who busts his ass because his mother and father won't and takes care of all his little brothers and sisters...a lot of us fit into a motif like this. A lot of us are tired of getting shit on by the world.

Just yesterday I said some stuff about someone that was really mean and spiteful to Brandon and Andrew. And I think they think I was joking, but I was serious. I'm tired of watching everyone who is doing the wrong thing reap all the benefits. Let rapists be put to death, let cheating significant others get some STD, lets stop saying the Egyptians built the pyramids; they had slaves to do it and it wasn't their own people, let's never marvel at the Statue of Liberty again and not remember the French gave it to us.

Let's give credit where credit is due. If you know someone who has been nice to you, a thank you will suffice. Give that person the benefit of the doubt, don't ignore them. Because if you do, I just hope it comes around to bite you directly in the ass.

There's Nothing Left Here

In all honesty you've seen the last there is of me to see because there's nothing left there to see. So don't be surprised if I've stopped caring about most of the dumb shit people worry about on a day to day basis and don't be shocked if I sound bitter. I am bitter, I'm going to be bitter and the reasoning behind this is because not only do I never get what I want, I never even get what I need. I never even get to be happy or enjoy something as simple as a really close friend.

All I asked was to keep this one thing so I'd have some level of sanity left, someone to ground me here in the world and to support me. Yeah I have other friends but none have had the effect of this one in the short time that she was there. So I don't want to drag this out, I just want to say don't expect me to be the same. I'm not, I'm not going to be for a long time. I promised I would be better when all of this is over, but I really don't see how I will.

I lost a friend, and it might be for a long time. It might not. Yes I'm hurting over it but this is only the latest thing to have gone wrong in a string of things I can't even begin to comprehend. Above all else I wanted this one person by my side and it seems she wouldn't be due to circumstances that neither of us can control.

One of my best friends gone, and all I can say is that this is probably the worst year yet. It's not even Feburary and I feel like that already. My spirit's pretty much crushed and I don't even want to know what the rest of this time is going to hold, I just want her back.

When Did This Become Standard

I can tell you this right now, if you're dating someone, talking to them, or anything, make sure that your intentions are well known before you decide to upgrade or downgrade the relationships. This means that you don't just expect them to understand you want more than there is now and you definitely don't just stop talking to them all together.

This happened to me recently, a girl decided that she didn't want to talk anymore. And really I am tired of it. You really try to take things at their pace, you try to be nice and care about them and they don't even give you the benefit of telling you that she is not feeling like this is the right thing. I don't even know how many times I have had girls tell me some off the wall story trying to make me feel better instead of just coming out and saying we shouldn't date anymore, or even what they are doing with you right then, isn't a date.

If you were asked out on a date by a guy, and you don't want to date anymore, just tell him. Don't try to let him down soft or whatever you want to call it. That's when things get complicated because a lot of the time what a woman calls letting a guy down soft is just her way of dodging the issue. If you didn't want to date the guy, then don't accept the offer, if you get on the date and realize its not right, then tell him.

This girl and I never got to go on a date, we actually met over myspace. So I never even got to meet her in person. But when we talked she seemed normal and interested. Problem was when that ran out, she just took off. It's not like I had invested much in it, I don't invest much in people these days let alone relationships. I just thought maybe she would actually be fair about things.