How to tell you don’t matter

A friend of mine is getting married and had an engagement bash. There wasn’t an invite for me, which tells me something about that friend because they invited a lot of other people. Many of which I didn’t know they were that close to.

It tells me to distance myself from that friend some more.

I actually don’t mind not being invited, but it is telling of where I stand with someone when they don’t tell me about the party to celebrate their engagement. I would think it was secret, clandestine—if I hadn’t seen the pictures posted and tagged on Facebook for the world to see. I’ll never mention the event, but it tells me a lot.

I’m not known for feeling like I matter or I’m important or whatever else. And with my birthday coming up soon it seems like I should feel like that, just for a while. My job doesn’t make anyone feel appreciated (and I think they like it that way). Many of the people around me don’t seem to care whether I’m there or not. So its just what I feel about myself. I’d come with a disclaimer. Sorry—I’m not worth it. But that’s just a self fulfilling prophecy. 

Edit: Just looked through my blogs categories. I’ve got about fourteen fucking million on this mirror of the blog. This place is old…

My Kind of Trouble

It's not hard to find trouble, everywhere you look its there. Trouble is one of those things that no matter how much you want it to go away its always going to be just around the corner. Trouble is discouraging to us, it makes us just not want to do things. Depending upon the severity, things will be more and more effected. September 12, 2001 I just couldn't bring myself to draw. I didn't pick up the pencil for about six months after that. I don't know how that's connected, but drawing just didn't seem right. I had been drawing when I found out about the attacks.

My point here is that trouble is all around us. But at the same time trouble isn't the same for everyone. There's an opposite side of the coin, when things are head for one person or group, they might be tails for another. There's lots of good examples for trouble. Case in point, Jesus for the Romans. He was trouble, but the kind of trouble that brought them out of their period of excessiveness. In the same way, the United States was trouble for Hitler, but we stopped his tryanical reign. I think with just those two examples.

Well I am going to say this in the most awkward way I have heard it said. I actually saw it on this t-shirt. We need to strive to be the trouble we want to see in the world no revolution ever got started and was successful without creating a stir. A little trouble can be good for someone else. Taking the moral high ground doesn't have to mean that you get walked on, it doesn't have to mean you can lay down and let wrong be done.

Stand up and speak out when you see something wrong happening. Most of the trouble in the world that we don't want is furthered because no one speaks out. But it doesn't have to be the big things. If you see some jocks picking on the nerd, get in there and tell them its wrong. Tell someone what they are doing to someone else is wrong if it truly is.

People who know me know that most of the time in most situations I am good for speaking my mind, or just speaking without fail and unstoppably. When I take up a cause I think is right and know is right in my heart of hearts, I don't lay down easily and I might not do for myself, but I can do for others. Maybe that's what I am meant for. Boondock Saints as a movie is a good example of how we need to stand up for the right thing, even if the methods are taboo.

Go out there and be the trouble you want to see in the world, rattle cages, and tell people the truth. Most of all just because someone doesn't agree doesn't make you wrong, even if most people disagree, doesn't mean they are right. It seems more and more that most people don't do the right thing anyway.