Armor

I feel like its been so much longer than it really has since I wrote in this thing, but it hasn't even been a week.

I've come to realize some of the problems with the whole idea that people wear a mask, that's the saying I always here. Well think of the mask more like armor. Armor is there to protect us from things that could harm us, that's usually how it is thought of. But this armor is just to keep us from divulging too much of ourselves.

In the last few months my armor has been pretty much stripped away. Everything I used to use to just keep a smile up, keep moving no matter how hard things got, all of that is gone. With my brother in the hospital every phone call has me worried that something is wrong, that something has happened, and with the added fact that everyone in my family that does call is usually doing so to yell at me about this or that.

Somehow I don't get the luxury to worry about my brother, I am expected to continue doing everything normally. But then I get accused of not worrying. They threaten to kick me out, they call me a liar, treat me like I'm worthless and I am supposed to be able to function like this? Now they are threatening to stop paying for my school, even though I am doing good and going to class.

I don't get it, I don't get how I am supposed to be able to just carry on under this pressure. I'm not this strong, I never have been and anyone who knows me will probably say the same. I can't even go see most of my friends anymore, I can't do the few things that made me feel somewhat alright. Getting online is just a passtime, its the only way I have to not feel lonely. Only now its harder to find time to do that.

I feel like no one cares what I do until I mess up. Everyone is there quick to point that out. Well I can't help it really. I can't do much about my mistakes I make from time to time. Everyone seems content to go and point them out and ridicule me for them regardless. I want once for someone to tell me something I do is right or good, I want someone to just once ignore something I make a small mistake on. I want one of my family members to talk to me about something going on with me not having to do with school or grilling me on how I am not studying...

I'm just going to have to make it to Summer semester and hope I can bury myself in all of that, not being at the house is what I need. Because I can't find enough excuses to get out of here right now. I hate it here, I miss living alone without people barging in to tell me how much I am messing up. Its not helping.

Critical

Well I remember thinking last night that I had nothing to write about, now I wish that was still true. I woke up this morning because my nephew was pounding on my door. I didn't get to sleep as long as I'd like. He told me to come down I needed to t talk to mom. He meant my mom.

I was so sure she wanted me to go get some breakfast for the three kids that I hesitated, I wish I had hesitated longer.

When I came down my mom told me to sit and told me that my brother, John had been involved in a car accident, he's in critical condition and that he's in a coma.

What the fuck do I say to that, I mean what the fuck does anyone say?

I could have all the tact and wit in the world, doesn't mean something when no word you could say would mean anything at all. Right now I can't think straight, I can't even begin to think straight because nothing is making sense. I'm driving to San Antonio with my mom to see my brother. I don't know when exactly, sometime today.

All of this just happrened so things are happening really fast, I don't know when I'll be availble to talk on here again. I'm really scared, I'm scared and I'm just thinking how I wish it was still 2006. I wish I had those kind of problems still.