I'm so sick and tired of my family I don't know what to do, I am sick of them wanting me to do certain things for them as if that's all I have to do and all I want to do on my summer vacation, or lack there of. i am tried of getting phone calls from people bothering me and getting on to me about not doing what they want fast enough.
I'm sick of them, I don't want to be in this city anymore.
I had something unexpected and new happen to me the other day, and this little story might sound a little odd. But I was getting my car inspected the other day and just as they finished this really pretty girl came in. I don't know why...it was odd but I just kept looking at her.
I would have talked to her I thought, but my car was done and I had no reason to be there. Well when I got out side they told me sure enough that I would have to come back because the parking brake on my car was out. I just kind of shrugged it off and paid, then I left.
Here's the part where things get odd. I got about half way up the street and I just decided to go back and make something up, a reason to be there. I decided I would say I was calling my Dad for something about the car. I don't know what made me do it, but I just did.
Well I went back inside of the place and I sat talking to her and this other lady, she told me her name, that she was twenty seven, that she was a teacher and we talked about writing and just things like that. It felt weird to do this, it felt odd and just a little bit forced at first, but then I felt more comfortable.
The excuse I gave could only last for a short time, so I had to go. Before I did I asked for her number, well she just said that she didn't really know me and she didn't feel comfortable do it. Which I understand, I know its not safe for a girl to do that. The odd thing was, I didn't really care. I didn't even take it personally, maybe I have grown a little?
I'm trying to be more positive, but people make it harder, I kind of wish that I could just go back to writing about the normal things that I do, but my whole life changed pretty dramatically pretty fast about a week ago. I am going to have to adjust to things slowly over time it seems.
Also I was wondering, is it that hard to notice you're ignoring someone? I mean really, its really annoying when someone does it to you, so why wouldn't you just make the effort to talk to someone, especially when they are in need of friends right now. I don't have many friends in this town and even the ones I have in San Antonio, most of them are really busy and I never get to see or talk to them.
So if you re someone I talk to, and you want to ignore me, just do my a favor and don't even talk to me. It makes me feel pretty bad to have it happen and I already feel bad enough without it, even though I am trying my hardest not to.
I feel like its been so much longer than it really has since I wrote in this thing, but it hasn't even been a week.
I've come to realize some of the problems with the whole idea that people wear a mask, that's the saying I always here. Well think of the mask more like armor. Armor is there to protect us from things that could harm us, that's usually how it is thought of. But this armor is just to keep us from divulging too much of ourselves.
In the last few months my armor has been pretty much stripped away. Everything I used to use to just keep a smile up, keep moving no matter how hard things got, all of that is gone. With my brother in the hospital every phone call has me worried that something is wrong, that something has happened, and with the added fact that everyone in my family that does call is usually doing so to yell at me about this or that.
Somehow I don't get the luxury to worry about my brother, I am expected to continue doing everything normally. But then I get accused of not worrying. They threaten to kick me out, they call me a liar, treat me like I'm worthless and I am supposed to be able to function like this? Now they are threatening to stop paying for my school, even though I am doing good and going to class.
I don't get it, I don't get how I am supposed to be able to just carry on under this pressure. I'm not this strong, I never have been and anyone who knows me will probably say the same. I can't even go see most of my friends anymore, I can't do the few things that made me feel somewhat alright. Getting online is just a passtime, its the only way I have to not feel lonely. Only now its harder to find time to do that.
I feel like no one cares what I do until I mess up. Everyone is there quick to point that out. Well I can't help it really. I can't do much about my mistakes I make from time to time. Everyone seems content to go and point them out and ridicule me for them regardless. I want once for someone to tell me something I do is right or good, I want someone to just once ignore something I make a small mistake on. I want one of my family members to talk to me about something going on with me not having to do with school or grilling me on how I am not studying...
I'm just going to have to make it to Summer semester and hope I can bury myself in all of that, not being at the house is what I need. Because I can't find enough excuses to get out of here right now. I hate it here, I miss living alone without people barging in to tell me how much I am messing up. Its not helping.
Well I remember thinking last night that I had nothing to write about, now I wish that was still true. I woke up this morning because my nephew was pounding on my door. I didn't get to sleep as long as I'd like. He told me to come down I needed to t talk to mom. He meant my mom.
I was so sure she wanted me to go get some breakfast for the three kids that I hesitated, I wish I had hesitated longer.
When I came down my mom told me to sit and told me that my brother, John had been involved in a car accident, he's in critical condition and that he's in a coma.
What the fuck do I say to that, I mean what the fuck does anyone say?
I could have all the tact and wit in the world, doesn't mean something when no word you could say would mean anything at all. Right now I can't think straight, I can't even begin to think straight because nothing is making sense. I'm driving to San Antonio with my mom to see my brother. I don't know when exactly, sometime today.
All of this just happrened so things are happening really fast, I don't know when I'll be availble to talk on here again. I'm really scared, I'm scared and I'm just thinking how I wish it was still 2006. I wish I had those kind of problems still.
Sorry that I haven't been around to write much in this thing, there has been a lot going on with me as some of you know. This summer is going to turn out to be extra boring and long. I can tell you right now since I really can't leave town or go out much.
Right now I am just hanging out at home watching Boondock Saints, one of the best movies ever. You guys should all check it out. Well for now I am going to finish the movie and I will have a proper entry later.
It's been a hard last couple of days, I'm not even sure that I want to talk about it. I've tried really hard to be left alone for the most part, I do want to see people some of the time but people can be over bearing. They can be hard to deal with and too much going on around me isn't one of the things that I think is really good. When there's a lot going on I can't concentrate or function it seems.
For the most part the people I know have been disappointing and I know what some people are saying, I should find new friends. But its not that easy and right now I am occupied with trying to find a job and school. I really just want to stay out of the house as much as possible. My brother called me back the other day after I called him for help with something and he go started talking about how I don't talk with him and my sister—in—law unless I have to.
I don't know what to tell someone, I'm not really all that talkative with most people, even on the phone I keep my talking to a certain amount. And when it comes right down to it, most of the time when I talk to them they come off as kind of condescending, and its not that I don't talk. I just don't talk when they want me to. Sorry that I need a little alone time. Even with people online I used to talk to alot I have been feeling like I don't know what to say anymore. Or like I don't have anything to say. I don't know why things get so hard really. I didn't think they were supposed to be like this. And people telling me to stay optimistic shouldn't really say that anymore because when I do try that it really doesn't take long before something comes along and just smashes any chance of that working.
Its like this, in the end I expect pretty much everyone I trust to turn on me at one point or another, I can think of one or two people that haven't, but for the rest of them it seems to be a matter or time. This is why I just don't feel like bothering with completely new people most of the time.
It has been a while, and there's been a lot going on, to put it frankly, I'm pretty unsure about my future. I know I am pretty tired of life in Houston. I wish I could say that I could be some where else by next semester, and maybe I could.
But the thing that I really wanted to talk about isn't me, its a type of people and a state of mind. Has anyone else noticed that political correctness has become the fruit of the day? And the more and more we take this mindset on, the more it becomes apparent that morals mean less and less. When everything becomes alright and there's nothing that's wrong, like political correctness would have us do, morals go out the window.
These people who don't really have any strict moral code, because depending on the circumstances, they could be right regardless, are always the first ones to go back to the Bible (of all places) as a defense. The line they bring into it is always Judge not lets ye be judged. Yet anything else in the Bible means nothing to them, because there's no black and white anymore, just areas of gray. Unless it comes down to something they care about.
When doing anything the only thing considered wrong is when you judge someone else. Even judging a general action and calling it wrong will get you ostracized by some people. Yet at the same time, these same people will call others wrong for actions that don't fit in with their little group of sanctioned actions. Look at the environmentalists...they'll get on to others about littering and the like. Isn't that the same as judging someone?
There are a lot of things I find wrong that others might not, but many of these things might not be moral issues. But at the same time there are things that are morally wrong. Those guys that think its alright to sleep with another girl if they're a certain distance from someone that they still call their girlfriend, are WRONG, argue all you fucking want, there's no two ways about it.
That's the problem with America, well one of the problems. No one wants anything they feel morally obligated to anymore. No one wants to have to go through a God or set of beliefs to get morally fulfillment, but they want the benefits of doing so. Freedom of speech is important, but people should feel morally obligated to say and do the right thing.
Now we can't even call another country wrong for systematically trying to commit genocide against their own people. They would be considered as good as anyone else because, after all, that's their prerogative!
Hopefully the way of things will change soon, but until it becomes alright to cast judgment on people again, we can't hold to our own morals, because we won't have any.
If being an idiot was illegal, it would probably be easier to keep the criminals outside the jails and use them as fortresses.
I feel like I am being tugged in two different directions, on one hand I feel like something is wrong and on the other I feel the way bank robbers must feel just before they go out on that last big job that ends up getting them all killed.
That is to say, optimistic.
So I am sitting here at the school on the phone with my insurance company waiting for them to come back on. I am sick of this phone tag I am playing with them and the like. Three guys walk up and sit on the couches behind me and start up instantly talking about how they're such nice guys and bragging about all of the chances they have had to have sex and didn't take it.
They talk about how girls were wanting to do this and that with them. Then they start talking about the sex they did have. What is it about guys that makes them think they need to talk about sex constantly. Especially these guys because I think that they're all lying. I mean its three of the nerdiest fucks you've ever laid eyes on, and they seem like they are trying to make themselves sound like they are taking the moral high ground.
There's just something I really don't like about how guys think they can impress me with these stories. I literally got up and walked off.
I want to start off by asking that you keep my very good friend Jessica in your prayers. I can't say much more about it than that. But I'd be glad if you prayed for her.
Two thousand seven has thus far been a terrible year, most of the people that mattered to me most are stripped away. I've been sick pretty often, I wrecked my car and on a scale of things happening globally, there's more wars going on than I can count. Some just think that we're undergoing growing pains and that the world will come out of it shortly. I am under the impression that all of these things are actually a death rattle.
Every year seems to get progressively worse, every event that I see seems to be worse than the thing like it that it follows. Anything good or nice gets squashed as soon as it appears. The world has been a rotten place to an awful lot of people. Most of the time these are the people who never deserved it, who never saw it coming.
This world is a mess, created by God and yet thrown so far from where it should be. Not reflecting what he intended at all, and he must have known it would be this way, he is after all God.
What's the great lesson here? Everything good is so rare, its so unique and when you find something good, hold onto it? I can't ever seem to do that last part. The good things usually only last me a few weeks at best. A good feeling is something I can hardly remember now. Not feeling lonely is something that I haven't known in almost a year. And I am beginning to think no one loves. When you love someone you don't leave them. You don't ignore them or not talk to them. You are willing to fight for them.
Love seems more and more like an abstract concept invented to just keep people happy, give them an unreachable standard to live up to. If you believe God is perfect, and God is love, therefore love is perfect. If you also believe no one person can be perfect, no one person has the ability to love. And I'm betting the chances don't look to good for two people either.
For a long time I thought that I could come and help everyone rid themselves of their problems. Help people feel better and whatever else. I'm done doing that, I find most people aren't worth the time I wasted trying to help them, I can think of a few right off the top of my head but I won't name names.
As for Jessica, I will wait and try to help her, because she was the last person I remember making me feel any kind of good. She was the only one recently who talked to me and made things just a little better. I could actually smile with her. A few others of you out there I think deserve help. But to those who don't...you'll know that I've given up on you.
I don't know what to say about this world, this world it seems like its taken another person from us. Another good person. I don't know what to say. Except I hope she's okay and I love her.
As the title suggests, this is for Kara. Any one can read this, if you take offense to these words, good. Maybe you should take a look at the way you're doing things then and ask yourself this question Do I feel secure in my actions?
Junior High is a pretty hard time in all of our lives. While things might have been simpler back then for most of us, before the threat of terrorism and the like. Life was hard because for the first time, we were feeling strong attraction to girls.
Back then most of it was innocent, and it got expressed through the wrong outlets. Most of us got as far as holding hands, maybe a kiss. But the thing was, what was the ultimate thing you went for when you went after a girl? You could hope at best to make out, no one dared to say the S word.
Almost a decade later I could sit here and tell you all kinds of horror stories about what I have seen guys do. I could tell you that guys are just looking to put their wieners in your naughty bits. Most women seem to think that already. So why is it that girls fall for guys that are going to screw them over?
Women aren't stupid, even the dumbest person by nature has a memory and can tell when they are doing something the exact same way again. The problem is guys are tricky, they've evolved to a point where they have safe guards to counteract most of the ways women guard themselves.
In the case of some guys, its just so they can get some tail. A guy doesn't think past sex most of the time. Some of them won't even use a condom, forgetting what the function of sex is actually for! But these are the guys that are easier to see through, most of them spit rhetoric that you see in movies, hear in rap songs, or read in joke books.
They're going to target vulnerable girls, the ones that are younger, emotionally unstable, or fresh out of a break up. To them, these girls are no conquest, just a means to an end...the end of a hard on. Unfortunately I knew some guys like this, all of them even drew straws over a seventeen year old to see who got to take a ride on her that night. That was how they would describe it. Better than that, the one who made his move decided to do so when she was almost completely passed out on a couch. He had sex with a barely conscious girl...
Now the more danger guys are methodical. These are the ones with a real brain in their head, that got further than second base in Junior High, learned the ins and outs of women (physically and emotionally). They're dangerous because they are adaptive to situations. They go after hard targets, women who have moderate to high confidence and some who say they don't believe in one night stands. Some of these men can function and think enough while drunk to still accomplish their mission.
I've heard of guys like this, met about one in my life. The one I met did such things as get girls who had never been kissed to sleep with him in one day and let him film it. It was more than just trickery, it was pure manipulation. It was incredible to realize that someone can have that kind of power over someone else. Even so not just any guy can do this, it takes quick thinking, wit, an adaptive personality and good looks.
In a matter of speaking, you must be an evil genius to accomplish this feat, most guys that are out there trying to get into a girls pants are trying to do it like this last guy I mentioned. Why? Because they want a prize. Some guys want a virgin, they might even tally the number they've had. I've heard guys even speak of sleeping with a one girl for each letter of the alphabet, that is to say they want to find a girl who has a name that starts with each letter. Even worse are the ones who only like to go underage...you can find all types, but the basic message here is, guys are sick monsters.
Hell, even I am. I just turn my anger towards other guys. If I make a guy cry, I feel pretty proud. Maybe his confidence dropped a little, less competition for me. Part of me wishes that if I have daughters, they're lesbians so I don't have to deal with the pain and torment the average guy inflicts on a woman.
Now I am tired of writing, I think I might go make a sandwich or something, oh and if you have any hate mail or letter bombs please send them to:
I don't really care if you don't like what I wrote.
1234 This is a fake street anyway...
Wherever, USA
My body is filled with...well I don't know what. I looked back at something I haven't touched since the day I last spoke to you. You were eighteen years old and one day. It was the saddest day I've had since...well since a long time ago and I haven't been whole since then. But right when I was thinking of doing the wrong thing, the stupid thing. You saved me again, you've always been there to pull me out, even when you weren't really there.
What follows is your words, untouched by pencil or cursor. Words that struck me so hard that I know what I need to do.
Hey. Things are actually not going good at all...and it concerns us. When I came home from school with your presents, my parents kind of freaked because they don't know who you are and wonder if we have been secretly hanging out, which led to "do you talk to him online?" thing. They found out that I talk to you on myspace, and they feel really uncomfortable with me talking to an older guy that they don't even know. So, they are making me do the same thing I had to do with Heather. I don't really understand myself, and so I bet you won't either, and that's ok. And yes, i'm 18, an adult, but I still live under my parents rules until I leave for college. This is incredibly hard for me to do since it is going against my own will and desires. Justin, you are an amazing guy! You truly are! And I don't want this friendship to end...but I have to do this or I'll get in so much more in trouble. Please, please, do this for me, and soon we'll be able to get back to talking again. I have to sadly delete you from my friends. That's why I cannot have you on facebook. Please forgive me! I hope that when I leave for college and that I am finally free, I am able to speak to you again without ambivalent attitudes from my parents. I know this is hard, i mean, it's hard for me too! I'm so sorry. I want you to know something though: to thine own self be true. Justin, there will be many obstacles ahead, and I'm sad because I won't be there to help you when you need it! But please remember to be yourself, night to day, every single moment of the day! Cause being you is why I cherish this friendship! Please promise me to do that, and I promise you that I will come back to you once I am on my own! I hope that day will come soon! Thanks for everything..for you have truly been a wonderful, fantastic, marvelous friend!
If I don't shape up, and get back on track, who will she find when she comes back? Well I'm not going to even humor that question. There you have it, hon, you're boys back on track. I think for the first time in months, I'm back. After all, its what you wanted.
God blessed me with a wit, with attitude enough to stand up to others, against moral wrongs, to strike out where I saw tyranny even in the smallest degree. And that's what she admired. I seem to have gotten that back today. I've read just one thing and found the strength to carry on through all that's happening. I have to say sorry to Kara, I promised her a blog today about how evil men are, rest assured she'll have it soon. It might be worse now that I am back like this.
Since the day I left Junior High it has seemed like things were changing too fast. I remember when kissing someone was a big deal. My first year of high school I heard from the younger sibling of a friend that three girls at our school had gotten caught having sex.
Back when I was there it was rare to even hear about someone going as far as to get fingered.
Now in college people talk about hooking up as if its something completely normal and even therapeutic. I used to see examples of it everyday. I still see guys that make out with girls, interchangeably in groups, and girls who make out with each other for a guys entertainment. I have to stop and ask, what happened to you women?
The women from a newspaper, Laura Sessions Stepp has written this book called Unhooked about the decline of love and its replacement by hookups in college and high school life. If I didn't see it for myself I wouldn't have believed it at first. In my high school people were so close knit that there wasn't much hooking up in the open, everyone knew everyone.
But when I got to college things changed severely and I could see the stuff that was going on all around me. One girl I knew personally got passed around like a doobie among hippies. Guys would get together and discuss her performance and even rate her on how well she did individual things.
Stories cropped up about different crazy acts she had taken part in, one of the most notorious was her allowing a guy to use the vibrate function on his phone for purposes other than it was intended for, needless to say the phone broke. But the point here is this, hook ups, for the most part, are degrading to women and they harm the guy on the other end of the thing too.
The problem really stems from Feminism, now I know I am going to get a lot of hate speech over this, but I think the second that women led themselves to believe that sexuality was the way for them to become more independent, they left themselves open to be used in a new way. Being outlandishly sexual doesn't empower you. All of the guys and girls I know that get the most crazy sex are the most unhappy people.
I read an article that Laura Stepp wrote on Valentines Day and it amazed me how much I thought the same way she did. She wrote about how many women didn't want anything to do with long term relationships because there wasn't any time for them. Stepp states in her article:
A national survey of 18-to-29-year-olds by the Pew Research Center reported that almost 60 percent were not in committed relationships and the majority of those were not interested in being committed. Young women even have phrases for couples, frequently spoken with a touch of derision: They're 'joined at the hip,' or 'married.'
But I can tell you right now that part of the problem lies in our parents. I had a friend who had a mother who had been divorced several times, and this friend told me that "I don't see the big deal with marriage, its just a short term commitment". Believe it or not the reluctance for people to seek divorce ruins the minds of the children involved.
What I can't do is offer much help. Guys I know think they are happy to be this way, to seek out these things and only these things. And occasionally making out with someone at a party isn't going to damage your mind forever, but going about looking for this as if its going to lead you to eventually meet someone you love is a dumb idea. If the other person only sees you as a hook-up that's all you'll ever be. Even if you marry that person, expect to get divorced, or have major problems. You weren't what they had in mind, just what was convenient.
A link to the original article can be found here: myspace
So what its been about two days since the shooting thing in Virginia and already we have Rosie O'Donnell putting her foot in her mouth with stupid statements such as her saying that The NRA is the biggest lobbyist in the US. I don't know how many people out there want to tell her she's fucking wrong, because obviously she's never heard of a little thing called OIL.
This is what launches the major problem with this kind of thing, the media turns into into a circus to fulfill their own personal wants. Some of them, like Rosie over here, will want to get rid of illegal guns as she called them. Well too bad the guns the guy used were legal. If you are going to start stating things, state the facts. Then you have those who just want ratings, who are playing this over and over, twenty-four hours a day, with breaks in between for more news about...the shooting.
The news has been adamant about pushing this in our faces, when they really have so little information to give us, they have so little that is new to give us. The people killed need to be remembered, but I am sure they don't want to be slathered with some kind of political button and paraded around for some political agenda. I don't even think that the heroes in this story, the teacher who died to save his students and the senior who barricaded the door; I get the idea that these people are just being used to get more ratings. I mean if you did something like this and saved someone, you would probably just want to be left alone. I know this because I don't think praise is what we always want!
The news is determined not to give us time to heal, just like they did with September eleventh for that week it happened, and Andrea Yates, and now this. It's like the line from Fight Club about the scratch in your mouth that would only heal if you could stop tonguing it. That's what the news makes these things into.
I also want to say that when this happened everyone thought this guy was white, everyone thought he was American born and raised, thought that he played violent video games, listened to violent music and that he was a certain type of person. They drew all of these conclusions hours before they even released a name for this guy, he turned out to be an Asian Immigrant, not that it matters. But what I want to say is that we need to stop blaming violent video games, music, and movies for this kind of shit. I have heard Tarantino's name come up more times when they talk about this guy than the actual guy. Tarantino didn't walk onto the campus and shoot those people. He makes movies, that's it.
Music and movies don't define us. I listen to a lot of kinds of music and I never commit crimes because of any of it. When did people stop being crazy and have to have a reason to be messed up in the head? No one is blaming the shooter for the shooting, no one is blaming the fact that he might have just been born wrong. Maybe his parents aren't at fault, maybe he was just a loony. His parents ran a dry cleaning shop in Virginia, do you know that they are hospitalized because shock? Well you see this crime isn't something that someone caused him to do. He was crazy and no one could have helped him if he didn't want to be helped, obviously he didn't want to be helped.
On a day when I think eighty percent of the blogs in the world are writing about this, I want to say something I bet many of them are not. We need to pray for his parents, his family, and we need to be less worried about warning signs and stop there from having to be warning signs. I knew a lot of people that were this crazy, but all of them had friends and maybe that's what keeps them from going over the edge. Family isn't enough, there's just things they can't provide, and even criminals have friends. So from now on when you see that quiet kid in the hall, don't walk by them or wait for them to say hi, just say hi to them. Stop and talk to them, it might make them feel like someone important. It might even make them open up. And it could just someday save a life...there's or someone else's.
Next time that you feel the need to go into a school and shoot up some place like a school or a business, just follow these simple instructions.
Really, it would make things simpler.
