Conversations With A Priest

NOTE:This is a small excerpt from my story, it actually features people I know in real life (Brandon and Persephanie in this case) and this is the first time I have ever posted this story any where, hope you all enjoy.

Back when I was in high school there was usually one twenty four hour Starbucks in a major city. Now you could find five in Houston alone. It was cold out, still raining and just starting to get dark. The steam from my Cinnamon Dolce Latte warmed my face as I stretched my neck out over the cup.

My hands were clasped around the cup tight to keep them warm. A man in a black fedora was just on the other side of the glass gathering napkins from the small counter, he stepped back outside and came over and then sat down right across from me. He looked up at me through his ice blue eyes.

I inhaled the cinnamon smell of the latte and then spoke, "Father, I feel like all of this being cheerful is getting to me," I paused to sip my drink, it was still very hot, "I feel like I've lost faith or something," I said.

"Why do you feel that way?" he asked in a soft voice as he pushed the napkins over to my side of the table.

"Well because I feel like I haven't got anything righteous left in me, like all of this is taking a toll or something. And what does God want with the non-righteous?" I said.

"It is not the healthy who need a doctor, but the sick...but go and learn what this means: 'I desire mercy, not sacrifice.' For I have not come to call the righteous, but the sinners," he rattled it off quickly and immediately I recognized it.

"Matthew?" I asked and he nodded.

"If God thought we could all be righteous on our own he wouldn't have sent the prophets, he wouldn't have sent his only son to us," said the man in fedora.

I sipped on my coffee and then smiled, "I guess that's right, but what do I do to get better?"

"Well what started you feeling like this?" asked the man in the fedora.

"Recently I've noticed Justin is treating this whole thing like its just part of his job…all of the demons he's killed, he used to say it was doing God's work, but I notice he's getting distant, spiritually and emotionally," I stopped.

The man in the fedora ran his hand down the side of his face, through his beard, "I don't understand, how are you coming to that conclusion?"

"Well he's not enthusiastic about doing the right thing, he told Megan what we did 'didn't make a difference' a little while ago, she nearly hit him," I sipped the coffee, it was the only way to keep warm. "With the girls he seems to be somewhere else, Ashley even asked me about it," I paused to clear my throat. "And with me…when we're alone he's not the same, he may try to act the same, but I can just tell something is different. He kisses me like it's a routine and not a sign of Love…"

Now I knew I had divulged too much, my cheeks filled with red heat, blushing.

"Are you afraid there might be another woman?" he asked.

I laughed, "I suppose that would be the concerns of a normal woman," but I was anything but normal, "I'm not worried about that in the least, I am worried that he's losing the capability to love, and by trying to pull him back from there, I'm going in too."

"It's true, this job isn't pretty, and there's little room left optimism when you spend your days looking at the latest escapee from Hell," he told me.

"How have you done this for so long?" I asked.

"When I first became a priest I was just trying to help people, but when I got into the Order of Saint Michael and started fighting I figured it would be my life's work…" he started.

"What happened?" I asked.

"I saved this woman one day, and I never told your husband or anyone else all of this, but she was the most gorgeous thing I'd ever seen, like I was looking at a small part of God himself. She had the bluest eyes, dark brown hair with white blonde streaks that somehow just seemed to fit, and her skin was flawless and white like snow…" he took a long pause here and pulled his trench coat up around himself. I was listening intently.

Then he started again, "Coincidentally her name was Mary, and after a year of writing each other, talking on the phone and sometimes meeting up with her when I was near I realized that I was in love. I was ready to put my vows aside for her, I was ready to quit the priesthood. But when I went to tell her of this, a demon attacked and it managed to skewer her through. It was a coincidence, your husband had chased the thing for a half a mile, and it just happened that where they fought happened to be the place where she lived, it also just happened that it used her to try and reason with Justin, I put it down quick, only to find out she had been mortally wounded by its barb tail…we shared one kiss before she was gone."

I glared down at the table, "Wow, I just…wow."

"Persephanie, I will tell you this," he started "Things will get dark, they will get very dark, but its when the world around us gets dark that we tend to shine the brightest…" he said.

"But you…you still quit the priesthood, that wasn't even that long after we met you," she said.

"I quit because I failed," he said, "But I still fight with the Order of Saint Michael," he stood up straightening his hat on his head. I could see the long brown hair flowing out from underneath the fedora now.

I glanced up at him, "But do you fight for Love, or because of revenge?" I asked.

"That is hard to tell," he paused and turned away, "I'll give you my answer when I pull the last demon kicking and screaming into Hell." He was gone off into the parking lot where our cars were parked next to each other.

Such a contrast, my Porsche, only three years old; then next to it was his car, a 1967 Chevy Impala, large and boxy with that heavy frame.

I gathered my napkins around the still warm cup and stood up to walk to my car.

Black History Month

Yeah I know, it might seem kind of odd that I would bring this whole thing up so late in the month, its the last day. But I wanted to say something when I thought that it would be appropriate. I was in the car the other day with my sister—in—law's mother and father. We were having a discussion about something unrelated to race and her mother mentioned that she had a problem with black men marrying white women. I thought the comment was so stupid I laughed.

Why I thought it was so stupid is because we are sitting here wondering why so many problems relate back to race in today's society. I can look around where I am right now and see people of different races sitting distinctly apart from each other and having nothing to do with one another. When I know and you know that if these people over here would fuck those people over there, then they'd be all mixed and they're wouldn't be two separate groups of people staying apart. The fastest way to get rid of racism is mix the races. Remember when two Kingdoms were trying to become one what they used to do, have a prince from one marry a princess from the other.

If God didn't want races to mix he'd have made more than two sexes (already some people have found a loop hole).

Now this next thing is in response to something that I saw posted on that infinite well of useless information that is known as Myspace. Someone posted a bulletin about all of the injustice that has been done to whites in the last feel years, and I have to say that while I don't normally take a stance about issues of race, because I think most people need to let it go...I will say that some of the things I read in there were a little backwards.

Probably the only thing that really stuck out to me that I saw in this bulletin were that racial slurs only seemed to count when whites said them and that there isn't a white history month, but this is a black one. Okay for the first thing, who cares about racial slurs, my three best friends, one of them black, the other two white; one of the white ones calls me his nigger sometimes, you think I care if he does this? No! And yes I have been called that word by someone meaning it in a hurtful way, doesn't bother me. I might still hit them or something, but I just like to fight and am violent like that.

As for the black history month thing...have you looked at a history curriculum? Every month is white history month. I mean even in World History classes they usually focus on Western Europe, and when they aren't they're comparing it to that part of the world and relating things back to there. I am actually for them getting rid of Black History month and putting it into the rest of the school year according to when it happened. But that's just because I think history should be told in order and not broken up by who did it.

Credit Where Credit Is Due

I don't want to be this guy anymore, the one who is so easily walked on and who gets into dumb situations that he should have the common sense not to. And yet every time I look at it, every time these things come up I already know the answer. I made a bad choice and I should learn from it.

When you get your feelings trampled on enough you stop even looking at it like its something different, you stop caring as much for what you want and you just start thinking about others. Eventually you see that you haven't taken care of any of your needs in a long time and by that time you're in a habit.

I know so many other people that do this, they put their heart and feeling on the line like I do and they get nothing from it, maybe they get a slight bit of credit. But most of the time that credit is only spoken of in soft tones, "He's such a nice guy". The second that it comes time for any action everyone's forgotten you. You've faded back into a crowd of faces, you've faded back into the crowd of countless people who stopped giving a damn a long time ago, never gave a damn in the first place.

Then you just stop being nice, you stop trying to do right by anyone. You start to think that there's not enough good in the world for any of it to get back to you. Everyone is too busy trying to that thing they want, the one thing that is going to make their lives right. Some think they have found it and are trying to convince other to do the same. Anyone that worries about others, cares for one person or a lot of people just gets trampled on. They get walked all over by the people trying to get what they ware after.

Eventually you get tried of doing for others, you don't have the strength anymore because everyone has taken so much and nothing has been put back in. And even if a little gets put back in, its never enough to replace that which was taken. You get dwindled down. The girl who makes sure her boyfriend is happy, but gets thrown aside for trivial things and ignored, the mother who works two jobs to have her kids come home and be rude to her and leave her alone, the guy who wishes just one girl would make him feel as special as he makes her feel, the kid who busts his ass because his mother and father won't and takes care of all his little brothers and sisters...a lot of us fit into a motif like this. A lot of us are tired of getting shit on by the world.

Just yesterday I said some stuff about someone that was really mean and spiteful to Brandon and Andrew. And I think they think I was joking, but I was serious. I'm tired of watching everyone who is doing the wrong thing reap all the benefits. Let rapists be put to death, let cheating significant others get some STD, lets stop saying the Egyptians built the pyramids; they had slaves to do it and it wasn't their own people, let's never marvel at the Statue of Liberty again and not remember the French gave it to us.

Let's give credit where credit is due. If you know someone who has been nice to you, a thank you will suffice. Give that person the benefit of the doubt, don't ignore them. Because if you do, I just hope it comes around to bite you directly in the ass.

It's A Small World Afterall...

Well just like the title says, you would be shocked how you can go four hundred miles and find a common connection. Well first off I need to say that my first three test grades have been 84, 88, and 23/25...this I am proud of. But after getting my latest test back I was walking out of class with this girl I have been talking to some, not in that way, but she's pretty cool. Her name is Melanie.

Well Melanie was telling me she spent a semester in Florida and I asked her why, well she told me that she did and Internship with Disney. Well that is the same thing that someone else I know did, someone I don't talk to anymore, I won't name any names but...yeah.

It just seemed so strange to me that I knew two people who had done this same thing. I told her some about the fact that I knew someone who had been a part of the same program, as a matter of a fact they had even asked me if I wanted to do the same thing and I turned it down, I don't know why but I am glad I did.

This is just further proof that things aren't as disconnected as people would think.

Corruption of Innocence

If you're like me and you've been on the Internet for any amount of time, you've seen some things. Disturbing things that most human beings would cringe at, Tub Girl, Goatse, 4chan; these images or places on the Internet might not be known to all. But to those who know them they stick in your head. If you have not already seen them, I would suggest you don't, they are graphic and disgusting to the normal person. I spent a year working at an Internet forum, I built a tolerance. but it is the things like these images that let us know that the Internet is like the free market of jokes and anything else, there's a demand for everything out there, someone wants it and if you're around too long you will accidentally find it.

Now here's the thing I want to focus on specifically. Most of you know I am not a fan of porn, but the I can understand and rationalize porn. I don't need to explain the rationalization, we all know what porn is for. But the thing I cannot understand is animated porn, especially the kind where there are no people.

Someone recently reminded me that we ran across an ad for Finding Nemo porn one time, I almost clicked it just to see if they were serious. I mean no one could be turned on by that?! The only appeal of it is the shock that someone would twist up a story about fish (where one of the only female actresses in the movie wouldn't touch a guy in the first place) and make it something dirty.

I think its that people like seeing something innocent corrupted.

I mean had it been Aladdin, or Little Mermaid we would be shocked for a short while, but after so many Disney and kid movies, its just the same old thing. That won't draw the audience.

So what happens when animals, who don't even have sex in our terms, isn't enough to draw you in? Enter Cars porn. I kid you not. Now these are machines, it'd be like watching your toaster and blender go at it. Inter-appliance relations. How can the people doing this justify what they are doing? How can they think that this is not in some way feeding a sick fascination that people have with corruption?

How many men do you know who have fantasies about doing something corruptive to innocence. Let me give you a common one, and I'm not knocking having sexual fantasies, because it's not always a bad thing. But look at all of the guys who talk about women, or girls is what we should call them, in those Catholic School Girl Outfits. Believe it or not that's a corruption of innocence issue. The idea is that by wearing this outfit, the girl is portraying herself as innocent.

I think its a conquest thing. So many guys want to sleep with a girl her first time because its like going to the Moon, or like sailing uncharted waters, the first flight across the Atlantic; its just something to conquer to them. After doing it for a while there are no emotions involved, its just glorified self pleasure.

The End of Heartache

It's over...

But is that a bad thing? Should I be pissed off that I wasted all of my time on someone who didn't give a rats ass about me?

Well I should, but you know what, I will be fine knowing I'm over the heartache and the pressure to do right by someone who never tried to give me the common courtesy of doing right by me. People I have done a lot less for have been a whole lot nicer to me.

So for those who are wondering if I am mad at them, everyone who has should concern, they should know I am not mad. There are some out there who I am mad at, but they will remain nameless. What counts is that I'm going to pull through all of this because I made the promise to a friend that when she came back, I would be a better person. And I made a promise for myself that I would work to become a better person for the family I'll have one day, for the people that really do care about me, and for all of the things that people have done to help me out.

I am going to have to pull, and even though I'm still in pain, I have to press on. I have to do what I can to make it myself, with those who really want to help.

Here's to the end of heartache.

Rot In Hell

Here's to having less friends than you originally thought, not because they moved or because of something understandable like that, but simply because they really don't care about you. You know that thing you get in those annoying ass emails that says at least one person in the world loves you enough to take a bullet for you?

It's bullshit. No one cares about you most of the time, and you find it out the second that you fall on hard times. I'm tired of being walked on by people, and then even worse, having them turn around and laugh in my face about it.

So you know what, if you want to be my friend, I mean really, then tell me, otherwise go away. Because no friend ignores someone, no friend does any of the things a lot of these people have done. And I just have to say this, it won't make much sense to anyone but Julie, but thank you to her for actually being truthful and just not ignoring it means a lot when someone actually tells you something, instead of lying and avoiding the question.

And to those few who made me feel like this, I hope you rot in Hell. I really mean it.

King of Calamity

Well it began Sunday afternoon, its a period of time from the first weekend in February pretty much until Spring break that I dread every year. The Super Bowl, Valentines Day, My Birthday...things that almost undoubtedly end badly for me, regardless of my best efforts. My roommate Brandon called himself the King of Coincidence one time, I guess that makes me the King of Calamity. And this is the King:

Let's start with why I hate the Super Bowl...well here's my idea on sports. Watching sports is just about as useful as masturbation...with out the pay off. And there are plenty of things I could do all of a Sunday Afternoon that involved something more to my liking. I could play a game, write, talk to someone, tell PJ we're going to draw only to spend all of the time playing a game...anything. And the Super Bowl makes people do dumb shit, like ignore their wife all day or pay four million dollars for a commercial. (Now lets not get rash, the commercials are the only reason to watch this awful mess)

The Super Bowl is so out of hand they are having sales before it now...okay, I know what you are thinking, "But Justin the sales are on things you need for the big game." Well I have to ask you this then, where does it stop? I mean what's next, Popeye's Black History Month Sale? Not everything warrants us trying to press shit on people. I mean who buys a 6,000 dollar big screen for one game that, historically, has a tendency to be one sided?

But I could go on about that too long, my beef with Valentines Day, just once I want to take a special girl out and just make her happy, that's all. But you know what the problem is? The same problem there always is, even when I accomplish trying to surprise someone to make them happy, I usually fuck up something. Whether it be a big rose throne in my arm, girls not taking the gift, or me getting yelled at (it happened) there's always some issue.

Finally there is my birthday, which falls on a Friday this year (yay)...during Lent (oh...) Which means I won't be have meat that day, which is not a big deal, but then there is the kicker of the fact my birthdays have a way of turning into a shit storm before the calm. And this year might actually break the trend if my friends come down from San Antonio. But if not I will try and avoid this day's past repeating by just hanging out with PJ where nothing can possibly go wrong, besides me getting my ass kicked on Resistance Fall of Man, but that's a whole different story.

Hmm, on second thought I should have spelled Calamity with a K, it worked for Mortal Kombat...would you like to accept these KOINS as a token of my appreciation.

Give me Envy, Give me Mallice, Give Me Your Attention...

Alright, so I had a blast yesterday, especially considering the normal mood that I have been in these past few weeks. This girl that I met at a party, Charice, she and I went out and took a nice little number of photos. It was kind of reminiscent of the time I did the same thing with Heather and Mandy. But, I got a little more ambitious this time and I a wider range of scenery to work with, and less people milling around ruin my shots. Plus I didn't use the flash or any of the flash settings so my shutter speed was way up which meant I could catch little quirky things that she pulled.

(this is Mandy for those of you who don't remember)

Here now are the photos that I liked the best, just for the people here on blogger and facebook, hope you all enjoy them!

Charice had the idea to crawl down in this tube, you can't tell here, but there were like a million asshole kids running around.

I have always liked the shots of someone up high like this, the background is photo-shopped, surprisingly I was able to do it in like two minutes. Since my class taught me a few new tricks, my skills have gone up. PHOTO SHOP LEVEL UP!

What did we learn about motion shots? Well they are hard to do when you a slower shutter, the flash is just out of the question. But realistically I really liked this picture of her on the swing, there was on that was just as good, although I haven't gotten to it in photoshop yet to shrink it down and all of that. Brandon Beecham saw a raw of one of these, its monstrously huge.

This one was kind of on the spot, I didn't even see the bench until she pointed it out. When I took this the glare seemed like it might ruin things, but the view screen has a way of over exaggerating the glare.

Let's just say I was inches from the water when I took this, almost fell in. Water is wet...it was cold.

>Somewhere along the way we figured, "Maybe turning the camera on black and white will cut down the glare." Wrong!

Well the photo inserting thing is acting up, so that's all I have for now. Thanks for looking!

Iran

Been watching a lot of the news lately and I heard something very interesting, the prime minister of Iraq says that he thinks most of the violence going on in Iraq is actually being caused by Iranian operatives inside of Iraq. Now I don't know about anyone else, but I am starting to think that the President might have lied about the war in Iraq to get us over there so that he could set up a foot hold to fight Iran.

Then you have the fact that Egypt has gone on the record as saying, this is Egypt, one of the most stable Muslim countries, is saying now that they will have to start making nuclear weapons just because of the fact that they say they have to defend themselves against Iran who is trying to build an empire.

I am starting to think that this is not a war on the west, this is actually a war on anyone who is not a radical Muslim, the radicals want to control the rest of the world. Now most of this information I heard on the Glen Beck show, but a lot of it has been backed up by documents and other things he has show, and this is all on CNN, not some fly by night news broadcast. And while they have been wrong before, they don't out and out lie.

I hope that no matter what, who ever wins the election has the stones to handle a war with Iran, it looks like that's where we're headed.

Lilith

While doing more research for my second story, I came across some interesting stuff based on old Hebrew myth. Most if it has to do with the Lilithian myth. Lilith is the first wife of Adam, according to myth, most people haven't heard of this. But when Lilith was told she would have to lay below Adam during intercourse she became irate and argued with him telling him she would not comply.

Eventually she became so angry with him insisting that this happen that she yelled the name of God, which is a big no no, and flew off into the sky. God sent three Angels to get her, their names were Senoy, Sansenoy, and Semangelof. The names of these angels is a big deal because we can notice that they, much like Lucifer, do not possess the "el" in their names.

Lilith refused to return and the Angels told her that 100 of her children would die each day until she did. She still refused and chose to go off and mate with the demons that roamed the Earth. Now how the story research led me here...if I were to say it would give some of the story away, but I think it is a little interesting to think about this story. Because this would mean several things, one that Lilith was without Original sin, therefore she would be immortal. And two that the entire argument sounds very feminist in scope.

Add on that most of what we know about Lilith was found at a time when being a feminist was probably a crime about as bad as being a witch and would get you hanged. Now many of the more modern incarnations of Lilith have to do with pagan religion, sometimes even vampires come up as being the children of Liith, or Lillum (Lillin). Notice that the tense of the word is only feminine, the masculine, Lillus is hardly used.

I just thought all of this was a little interesting, of course I find strange shit like this to be of value you when almost none of it fits canonically with Bible, there is only one mention of Lilith there, which might be the only proof that any of this other shit is valid.

There's A Polite Way To Do This

It's not secret that I am not feeling all that good right now, and I am being honest. But I try to be nice with people on a one on one basis, just because. I'm trying to get out and meet new people, talk to them and that kind of thing. But it doesn't make sense why someone has to be so pissy when I just try to hold conversation with them. Especially when the conversation boils down to something small and nothing you should even get upset over. I'm sorry that you didn't want to talk right then, but you could have said that as soon as I started talking, or at least said it in a nice way.

And then we get to the point that you are online, on AIM and not even away or idle. I mean I understand there are reasons to be on and not want to talk, but put up an away or idle. I would rather have to see that and get ignored than have you get pissed and threaten to get mad at me for a ten message exchange in which I did nothing wrong other than show common interest in what you were doing.

People keep trying to tell me that humans are mostly good, I don't see it. All I see is assholes wearing masks.

Common Misconception

Last night I talked to an old friend I told her something, I'm not going to repeat it here, its hardly something that you need to know to get the point of the story. But the idea here is that she was so shocked by what I told her and professed that I didn't seem like the type who would do that thing.

This spiked my curiosity and I wondered what it was about me in high school that made it seem like I didn't think about stuff like that. Why was it that people there had the idea I was this sweet innocent person who didn't think things that I'm sure a lot of the general population does? I asked her over and over what it was about me that made her think this.

For clarity sake I will say this, it was nothing overwhelmingly nasty, awkward or uncommon, maybe something you don't expect if you don't know me that well, though.

The thing is that in high school I couldn't talk to the people I went to school with about things. The few times I divulged anything it would suddenly end up being public knowledge and then everyone would know it somehow. I didn't feel like that was something that should have happened, but that was high school for me. I got picked on for who I liked and what I liked. My music wasn't the stuff that I should have listened to supposedly, the girls I liked weren't always considered attractive so I learned early on to keep my mouth shut.

But after talking to my friend the other night I am wondering what misconceptions other people I have known in the past have about me. I know the people who really know me like Prentiss, Brandon, John, Heather and others like those know most of the story. But I wonder to others how I come off.

Down Points And Shades of Gray

This morning I went to a place that I hadn't even thought about in probably thirteen years. I went back to my old elementary school. You see before I moved out to Manvel, before my mother died when I was six, I lived in Spring, Texas and I went to school right where my nephew goes now.

Of course, that was all fourteen years ago. And now I fee old, fourteen years. From the moment that we stepped into the cafeteria it was kind of creepy. I mean when i think of that place everything was so huge. I was so tiny. I remember not being able to see over things, and now those same things barely reach my waist. I remember it taking forever to walk down those halls after recess but because my stride is bigger now the walk is barely even registrable as a walk.

I took my nephew this morning because of the Donuts for Dad's event that was going on at his school. His dad, my brother was out of town on account of business. Funny though, they were doing the exact same event when I was his age and my father couldn't make it, the price of having a dad as a doctor. I suppose sometimes I think that I wish I had more time with my parents, you know before I got to that age where I realized half of what they told me was bullshit and that they annoy the Hell out of me.

But I wonder what the me back then would say if he met the me now. I don't even think little kids know what to say. Their minds don't work the same, they're more abstract. And the world they observe, even though it might be the same world we observe, is a much happier place when you don't have over a decade of grief backing it up. When my mom died that was probably when I realized that bad things didn't just happen on television. And that when bad things happened they weren't resolved in thirty minutes with time enough for commercial breaks.

I used to watch a lot of Nick at Night when I was a kid, now there is a world you would want to live in,want your kids to live in. All of that wonder and hope, all of the problems ironing themselves out in one or two episodes. No grief and best of all, no shades of gray. Because the shades of gray are what really get you in life, the areas where its hard to tell right from wrong and your moral compass is going berserk.

Life, well life now, seems to just be marked by a series of down points and the areas of gray fogginess. And the trick, I've learned is to learn what down points to dodge, which ones you can't and how to take a hit. Through all of this gray fog you can't see far ahead and some things aren't always morally spelled out.

There's Nothing Left Here

In all honesty you've seen the last there is of me to see because there's nothing left there to see. So don't be surprised if I've stopped caring about most of the dumb shit people worry about on a day to day basis and don't be shocked if I sound bitter. I am bitter, I'm going to be bitter and the reasoning behind this is because not only do I never get what I want, I never even get what I need. I never even get to be happy or enjoy something as simple as a really close friend.

All I asked was to keep this one thing so I'd have some level of sanity left, someone to ground me here in the world and to support me. Yeah I have other friends but none have had the effect of this one in the short time that she was there. So I don't want to drag this out, I just want to say don't expect me to be the same. I'm not, I'm not going to be for a long time. I promised I would be better when all of this is over, but I really don't see how I will.

I lost a friend, and it might be for a long time. It might not. Yes I'm hurting over it but this is only the latest thing to have gone wrong in a string of things I can't even begin to comprehend. Above all else I wanted this one person by my side and it seems she wouldn't be due to circumstances that neither of us can control.

One of my best friends gone, and all I can say is that this is probably the worst year yet. It's not even Feburary and I feel like that already. My spirit's pretty much crushed and I don't even want to know what the rest of this time is going to hold, I just want her back.

My (highly Offensive) Political Rant

I'm sick and fucking tired of people bitching about President Bush. I go out to the stores and its all I hear people talking about. When he's worried about the war people bitch about him ignoring the environment. He goes and talks about the environment recently and low and behold they are suddenly worried about the war and why he's not worried about it.

People are bitching about the death toll in Iraq, and I am no Bush supporter, and I definitely don't agree with being affiliated with a political party, but do you all realize the death tolls of previous wars we've been in? In Vietnam there were weeks where over 4,000 died. Think of that four fucking thousand.

In World War II that many died in one day sometimes...so you think this war is a bloody mess. History shows us it's not. Hell, terrorism must not be an effective way of fighting if they are over there killing as many of themselves, or more in this case, than they do of themselves.

And to those who support Israel because its the homeland of the Jews and consequently, Jesus, you all need to pull your heads out of your asses. Israel is fucking up. If we did what they were doing to those people over there the whole world would jump us. Even Jesus would kick someone in the crotch for acting like a dick, which they are, blowing up ambulances and the like.

I really don't go on political rants often, but this is more of a stupid people rant. Look at the things you're saying, you try to answer questions you haven't heard yet. Political Parties are the dumbest thing since some fucktard tried to invent the football bat. And then to you who would defend Israel...that's not their country anymore. They lost that in a war fair and square. How would you like it if after World War III some other people somewhere came and told us that we had to give England control of the whole East Coast, even though they lost it centuries ago in a war?

That's what happened to the Palestinians after World War II, before you speak out, learn what you're talking about; otherwise you might just show off your stupidity.

A Rain to Wash The World Clean

"A rain to wash the world clean," that's a quote from the movie Cowboy Bebop; and that is also what it seems like is going on outside. This isn't the hard kind of rain, not the threatening kind. But the kind that you see that seems peaceful and cleansing. I love soft rain when its cold out and you can just sit and look out at everything, or sit and read, or sit and write. Any of those would be acceptable answers.

I don't think that I have had time to report that I did actually finish my first story, it is the first time in a year I have finished anything I was writing that was over ten pages. And that says a lot I guess. Some might think it says that I procrastinate. But in actuality I think it says I have been rewriting over and over because that is what I have been doing.

So now with this roll that I am on I am launching myself right into the next story so that I can keep rolling with this, I want to have two stories done by this summer, that means that I will have to have one more done.

I wanted to get to something but I drug this out so long that I will hardly have time to say it before I get too long winded. So I am going to work on writing it in another blog.

Like Yellow Does On Blue

Right now I am sitting in the hallway at the school, typing on the lap top and just wondering, what I can do to get back on my feet. I'm so tired right now that I am sore. I am actually trying really hard in school this time around. And I know that it is going to take a lot out of me. This weekend was pretty bad, I won't go into details but out of all the good jokes that came out of this weekend, it really still wasn't worth it.

The only things that I really got to do this weekend were get a few things and drop of Persephanie's gift, I saw my friends, but it got ruined, by myself of all people. I really just want to avoid everyone right now, or most everyone. I really don't feel all that great.

I talked to Persephanie on her birthday, by the way happy birthday to her, and she made me feel a little better. She's always pulling for me, there are a few people who are. I wonder if I really deserve with the way I have been lately. I owe a lot of people apologies that I'm not willing to give them in person. I'm not even willing to look them in the eye.

Things are, to say the least, very confusing right now. I'm lost and without a map. But something happened on the way home from San Antonio, I heard something in a song that made me think back on how much I depend on some people. How much people depend on us. I rely on one person especially for support. The line from the song says it perfectly, "I can't deny that I've relied on you, like yellow does on blue".

The prospect of losing this person has come up, and the reasons aren't in my hands. 2007 is quickly becoming a contender for the title of shittiest year ever, but then it has to go up against high school (2000-2004) which was a four-peat and lets not forget the shitfest (shitstorm if you will) that was last year. If this keeps up I might just Falcon Punch somebody.

What Is Unattainable?

What I wrote yesterday seemed to illicit some response. I guess its because so many guys have gotten shit on by the whole thing. All that I have to say in the defense of the women is I can figure while you do it. And its something that Chris Rock said, because really when the guy is talking he speaks a lot of truth for a comedian.

Basically what he said was that the reason that women are so defensive is because from the time they are about fourteen years old they have men trying to offer them sex.

Now before any of you girls call my bluff think about the number of times you've had guys go out of their way for you, now think back to how long those guys stuck around after they figured out they weren't getting any. Even I am guilty of this. Not in the same way that I stated. But I've been trying to talk to a woman, get their attention and the like and then I notice a wedding ring and I scatter like roaches when the light comes on.

Does it make me a bad guy if I lose interest in a woman when I realize she's unattainable? I mean some people would say that its just me being shallow that I don't get to know the person first, but I assure you that I think her husband would beg to differ.

But there are some girls who aren't unattainable, but they are just harder to go for. Recently I started to think about what it would take to go after someone who you really cared for and what it was worth. What I mean by that is that if you think the person is so important that you can't stand to let them pass by. And even then there is always that time when you just have to chalk it up to that unattainable category. Right now I am trying to decide what to do.

When Did This Become Standard

I can tell you this right now, if you're dating someone, talking to them, or anything, make sure that your intentions are well known before you decide to upgrade or downgrade the relationships. This means that you don't just expect them to understand you want more than there is now and you definitely don't just stop talking to them all together.

This happened to me recently, a girl decided that she didn't want to talk anymore. And really I am tired of it. You really try to take things at their pace, you try to be nice and care about them and they don't even give you the benefit of telling you that she is not feeling like this is the right thing. I don't even know how many times I have had girls tell me some off the wall story trying to make me feel better instead of just coming out and saying we shouldn't date anymore, or even what they are doing with you right then, isn't a date.

If you were asked out on a date by a guy, and you don't want to date anymore, just tell him. Don't try to let him down soft or whatever you want to call it. That's when things get complicated because a lot of the time what a woman calls letting a guy down soft is just her way of dodging the issue. If you didn't want to date the guy, then don't accept the offer, if you get on the date and realize its not right, then tell him.

This girl and I never got to go on a date, we actually met over myspace. So I never even got to meet her in person. But when we talked she seemed normal and interested. Problem was when that ran out, she just took off. It's not like I had invested much in it, I don't invest much in people these days let alone relationships. I just thought maybe she would actually be fair about things.

Trophy Wife

Today is when I go home, I really don't want to go back right now, I am really content ot sit here and just type, maybe hang out with some of the people that are still around. I'm not really that excited about Christmas. I don't really hate the holiday, I actually hate Thanksgiving. One good thing is that when I go home I might get to see people that I haven't seen in a long time. I talked to Julie Matteson the other day, Julie and I haven't seen each other since I left for school almost three years ago. I really miss Julie, she was one of the few people that I knew who really felt like she actually meant and did the right thing all of the time. I haven't seen Matt, another friend of mine since my first year of college. PJ and John I see when I go home pretty much, but its always good to get to see them.

I really hope that in my week there I get to see the people that I really miss. So that I can make this trip at least half worth it. People around me are really becoming more and more stressful, which is partly why some of the things that I have done some of the things I have recently. Whether or not some of the stress is relieved remains to be seen.

Sliding Doors

This was written by Persephanie, seems strangely similar to my plight right about now. I told her that, but not the exact details of everything. Well tell me what you think. This was originally posted on myspace.

You might be wondering what I meant by "sliding doors". There are many times in a person's life where one ponders on the idea of the "What ifs". What if the south won in the Civil War? What if Kerry won against Bush? What if you break up? What if you don't get into the college of your dreams? What if something happens beyond your control, and you aren't prepared for it? There are endless "what ifs" in a person's lifetime, but how do we handle them?

Recently, something has made me think of the sliding door metaphor. The door can open one way or the other, yet I have no choice in the situation. I become the spectator, observing my life transforming while my feet are cemented into the floor not allowing me to make any moves. However, despite the fact that we can't see what the future holds for us, we can do one thing: keep our chin up.

I know this is corny, but we cannot give up, we cannot stop fighting the good fight, we cannot let the "what ifs" bring us down. Never. Keep on smiling, laughing, and living. The worst thing in life is allowing something or someone kick us so hard in the ass that it kills the inside of our hearts, minds, and souls. Like I say, I'm no superman and I can't do this all on my own, but hell, I'm going to try my damned best to win, whether it's the war or just a small battle. And the battle can just be proving the world that you've got what it takes to stay on your feet.

Sometimes The Hardest Thing And The Right One Are the Same

Have you ever said something to someone only to realize exactly what you were saying later and to really come to grasp it? I was talking about this song by The Fray with the line in it "Sometimes the hardest thing and right one are the same..." That line right there may not mean much when you look at it, but it makes me wonder.

There are always those times when you say you're going to work through something no matter what it is and you are going to get things to work out, then there are those times when you just give up and let things fall by the wayside. But how do you decide when its just time to throw in the towel? Right now there is this girl, she seems unattainable. She's younger, she's moving away and she just seems too nice and too good looking for me. Despite every other girl that comes around I have been unable to get her off my mind since the moment I heard her name.

Even she is always telling me to try for what I want and to fight for it, does that mean she wants to see me do that for her? I'm not sure if I have much more fight left in me. And then, how do you let someone know that all you want and need in life is them really? You can't just say it to someone like that, there's no way that could be taken the right way.

Now there is another girl, who I really haven't known long, but I am willing to try if she is. The only thing is that I don't want to miss my chance with the first girl. I'm so confused as to what to do. Both of them are really sweet and I don't know where do go with either of them next.

Not sure if anyone else has ever been in this place, but it is not fun. Right now I am racking my brain thinking about it. Man I suck at life.

The Monsters Are Due On Maple Street

The Monsters Are Due On Maple Street was an episode of the Original Twilight zone, one of the most famous actually. The episode revolved around a small suburban neighborhood and the suspicion that aliens might soon be coming. When the whole block loses power its easy for the people to suspect this is part of the alien plot, but when one person gets their power turned back on it is thought he must be one of the alien conspirators.

Eventually the a mob gathers and ends up killing the man who's light had come on, but one of the most outspoken members of the mob returns home to find his lights on and knows how it must look. The last shot in the episode is of two aliens speaking on a hilltop overlooking the town.

"Understand the procedure now? Just stop a few of their machines...throw them into darkness for a few hours and then sit back and watch the pattern. They pick the most dangerous enemy they can find and it's themselves."

This episode has been remade once, using terrorism instead of aliens. But the main thing to see here is that when face with adversity people often turn on each other. Its easy to point the finger instead of trying to fix the problem. The end of the show narration went like this:

"The tools of conquest do not necessarily come with bombs and explosions and fallout. There are weapons that are simply thoughts... attitudes... prejudices. To be found only in the minds of men. For the record, prejudices can kill, and suspicion can destroy, and the thoughtless, frightened search for a scapegoat has a fallout all of its own for the children, and the children yet unborn. And the pity of it is... that these things cannot be confined to... The Twilight Zone."

Prognosis: Boredom

I have been pretty much sitting around the house here for the last few days, I have been going out with friends every once in a while. What sucks is that it seems when I get home everyone who wanted to hang out is suddenly busy or not around. I really don't like being here for long stints of time, its no fun just being here with family, I get so bored and there's not really many places I can go alone around here because of the Christmas shoppers.

So I have taken to doing things around here that normally I wouldn't do, but this is boredom. It's a war you have to fight, you have to stave off the encroaching armies of boredness. So far I have watched a lot of news, like piles of it: The War in Iraq, more stupid stuff said by politicians, Rosie O'Donald and Trump...

Then there was my picture downloading spree, all that I could find on Something Awful, then just funny picture sites in general, then pictures of Kristin Davis, then I just started downloading GIF images...

The other night PJ and I looked up people from Junior High and High School online just for kicks, we found a lot of them and were surprised to see how a lot of them looked. Then there have been the times that I hung out with people; the other night PJ, Megan, Austin and I sat around and drank, had a lot of fun. Once again I didn't get drunk but I think I came pretty close. Thing was I had to drive home that night so I didn't want it to get too bad. Don't worry though, I actually waited a long time after drinking to try and drive home.

Well there is not much to talk about, but I should have a lot of pictures to put up if I ever get back to seeing some of my friends around here. Right now I am going to go ahead and clean out some of my friends lists and the like. No use leaving that stuff cluttered up.

Home

Today is when I go home, I really don't want to go back right now, I am really content ot sit here and just type, maybe hang out with some of the people that are still around. I'm not really that excited about Christmas. I don't really hate the holiday, I actually hate Thanksgiving. One good thing is that when I go home I might get to see people that I haven't seen in a long time. I talked to Julie Matteson the other day, Julie and I haven't seen each other since I left for school almost three years ago. I really miss Julie, she was one of the few people that I knew who really felt like she actually meant and did the right thing all of the time. I haven't seen Matt, another friend of mine since my first year of college. PJ and John I see when I go home pretty much, but its always good to get to see them.

I really hope that in my week there I get to see the people that I really miss. So that I can make this trip at least half worth it. People around me are really becoming more and more stressful, which is partly why some of the things that I have done some of the things I have recently. Whether or not some of the stress is relieved remains to be seen.

Potent Quotables

I'm a quotes kind of guy, so when I see a quote I like I quickly find it and jot it down and come type it in to a file somewhere that I keep, most of these are on my face book, but there are too many to fit. So I give you most of my quotes (some are kind of lame, but oh well.)

"I don't think that much puss is every a good sign...oh yes please, describe it again."—Lorne (on the phone)

"I'm fibbing, its like like lying only classier."—Gwen Radien

"Um, not a sidekick."—Charles Gunn

"It kinda looks like art, huh? I call it ‘Takes More Than That to Kill Me, Punk.’ Punk is what makes it art."—Charles Gunn

"Let them fight the good fight, someone has to fight the war."—Angel

"Michael needs Chlamydia..."—Matt

"How happy is the blameless vestal's lot?
The world forgetting, by the world forgot.
Eternal sunshine of the spotless mind,
Each pray'r accepted, and each wish resign'd."—Alexander Pope

"Oh come on Barbie, are you a real doctor, or a doctor like Dr. Pepper."—Dr. Cox

"Ah Perry, you're so edgy and cantancorous, you're like House without the limp."—Dr. Kelso

"I start fightin' a war, I guarantee, you'll see somethin' new."—Capt Malcom Reynolds

"Lady, people aren’t chocolates. Do you know what they are mostly? Bastard coated bastards with bastard filling, but I don’t find them half as annoying as I find naïve bobble headed optimist that walk around vomiting sunshine."—Dr. Cox

anon: I've been trying to make tissue babies for fifteen years.



me: Fifteen years? you would have been six



anon: yeah, I went years without any success, then i hit thirteen and finally a breakthrough!

"This is ridiculous. The first assassin kills the second assassin sent to kill the first assassin, who didn't assassinate anyone until we hired the second assassin to assassinate the first assassin."—Random Guy

"Enough is enough! I have had it with these motherfucking snakes on this motherfucking plane!"—Samuel L. Jackson

"My world view allows for winged lizards that are not dragons."—Tycho

"Truth is, this is a bullet that was fired about eight years ago. It's a magic bullet that's been going round and round, and right now it seems poised to hit me right in the back of the head. But maybe the question is not who fired this magic bullet, but whether or not it was a lone gunman."—Mulder

"What I know is I started drinking the moment that I found out that a girl I loved was gonna die. Every time I get to the bottom of the glass, I hope that that last drop is gonna take me with it."—Lorne (angel)

"In my time, nightmares walked among us, walked and danced, skewering victims in plain sight, laying their fears and worst desires out for everyone to see. This—to make us laugh. And now nightmares are trapped inside the heads of humans—pitiful echoes of themselves. I wonder whom they angered so to merit such a fate."—Illyria

"Is everyone here very stoned?"—Spike

Inara Serra: Mal, what are you doing here?



Capt. Malcolm Reynolds: You invited me.



Inara Serra: I never thought for a second you'd be stupid enough to come!



Capt. Malcolm Reynolds: Well that makes you a tease.

"Life... is like a box of chocolates. A cheap, thoughtless, perfunctory gift that nobody ever asks for. Unreturnable, because all you get back is another box of chocolates. You're stuck with this undefinable whipped-mint crap that you mindlessly wolf down when there's nothing else left to eat. Sure, once in a while, there's a peanut butter cup, or an English toffee. But they're gone too fast, the taste is fleeting. So you end up with nothing but broken bits, filled with hardened jelly and teeth-crunching nuts, and if you're desperate enough to eat those, all you've got left is a... is an empty box... filled with useless, brown paper wrappers."—The Cigarette Smoking Man

The Operative: Are you willing to die for your beliefs?



Capt. Malcolm Reynolds: I am...'Course, that ain't exactly plan A.

What's The World Coming To?

I know that I said that I wouldn't be writing here for a while, but I wanted to write this, because this really doesn't sit well with me. It shouldn't sit well with anyone. This report comes a from a website. The basic thing I am going to say that if you are easily disgusted, you might not want to read further.

An eight year old girl, Sofia, was shopping with her uncle, fourteen year old brother, and eleven year old sister. She went off alone to go to the restroom. When she didn't come back they searched both the male and female sides of the bathroom but to no avail. They even knocked on a locked stall door where the girl was probably being attacked at the time. After searching out in the parking lot her brother returned to find her body stripped naked and strangled. She had been brutally raped by a twenty one year old store worker.

When he found her the man who had done it, Dante Wyndham Arthurs, was just fleeing, the boy chased him but lost him. Later the cops apprehended him at his home and he was brought before the court. He was charged with willful murder, deprivation of liberty and two counts of sexual penetration. Hopefully wherever this happened they're able to give this man death because he deserves nothing less than to cease existing.

The loss of this little girl has the family distraught, as one would imagine. My thing is once again what is the world coming to? You are seeing more and more of this kind of thing. We're seeing people do things that are psychotic like branding their wives and having sex with dead animals. This is just one more of those things that makes me wonder if there's any reason to even have faith in people at all. How can any place be right for us to be in when things like this happen.

This case solidifies my firm belief that in some rape cases, the only thing that is justifiable is the death penalty. Our prayers should go out to this girl's family

Tired.

I got to talk to Mandi some today, I think its funny that when I need her most Mandi is always there to set things straight, I can talk to her and she just puts things in such clarity for me. It's strange because Mandi was one of the first friends I made when I moved. Now she is probably one of the only ones I have left from that same time period. I am really tired of trying to maintain friendships. I'm tired of making friends, and losing them at the end of the semester. It's painful to watch people you really want to keep around go.

I really am tried of having to make new friends, I am really tired of trying to build new bridges.

And even more so I am tired of trying at relationships, I think what you really get isn't worth it, especially since most people don't want to try, they don't want things to be good, they want drama. Even when things are going perfectly fine you have those who will just cause drama because they can. I think everyone who's dated has dated someone like that. It never bodes well for them.

It seems like with me I put so much work into things only to get nothing back. And its like Vanessa said, I can't keep getting this happening to me, I can't take all of this stuff hitting me at once, no person can forever. I'm not going to give up on relationships, but I guess I will just be more picky. The other day I asked this girl out, she's a really sweet girl, works at this place I'm at like all of the time. But the thing is that I just wanted to see where things would go, test something out. Because I'm not usually the kind to date someone like that. I just have this mentality, but I think that's really the way to do it, and from what Tomi said, it can work out better when you just give things a chance.

Tomi and I sat with her new boyfriend and talked about leagues one night, like when you say someone is out of your league. I really didn't think that I was even in the league of the average girl, but Tomi told me I shouldn't doubt myself like that. I'm not going to say I've had a complete turn around, but I do believe that I can do it. I can work and become a better person, not so that I can get the girl in the end, but just so I can be happy with how things are. Tomi basically said that there are no leagues, and for any girl that uses them, she's not worth your time. Anyone who would discard you on physical appearance alone is not worth it.

Besides, I've found that while many girls might look good, they aren't mentally stable in there way of thinking about relationships. Really it's not a mental stability, its a mental maturity, and I don't have time to pamper someone until the grow up.

Man Brands His Wife As Property

I found a rather disturbing news story just a while ago, it would seem that a man branded his newly wed wife on their wedding night, he says so that other men would know who she belonged to. The brand is on her butt, I'm not sure how he got it on her without her knowing, maybe he snuck up in when she was sleep. But the thing is that just the fact that someone thinks like this shows you everything that is wrong with people. And it scares me a little bit that its 2006, damn near 2007 and people can still feel this way.

I mean its hardly consider ethical to brand your animals anymore, let alone your loved ones. Thing is the guy is wanted for police questioning, I think they should just let her brand him, I mean if they are married he's as much hers as she is his right? It's only fair.

Great Gift Ideas

Andrew gave me the idea...any ideas on a gift to get a really close female friend that's going to away and this might be the last Christmas you get to see her?

The Girl In Question

It's been a long time since I went on one of my rants. Usually around this time of year is when I get into full rant mode, the holidays are upon us and I have to say that everyone is busy. There are exams, shopping and just the regular stress of the season.

But its odd, things have gotten pushed to the back of my mind, I remember Brandon saying that dreams can effect your day to day life, they can just keep you from going about the everyday tasks that you normally would have no problem doing. Well I have been having dreams about someone a lot lately, which odd because I haven't seen her since like August.

A good friend of mine who has become a mostly online friend, but lives right here in the same city; I just miss her and the thing is I don't get why all of a sudden now she is at the forefront of my mind. I really want to hang out with her, just take her to the movies or something like that. We've never really had hangout time, I used to go visit her where she worked, I would sit and eat some, talk with her and just be happy for a while, this at a time when I hated all that was going on with me otherwise.

There are a lot of good people that I used to hang out with so much last year that I never get to see anymore. It's sad to say but it seems like as semesters change my friends rotate in and out, and this girl is one person I don't want that to happen to.

The other thing is that at the rate things are going I probably won't see her until January, when her birthday rolls around. I am going to get her a Christmas gift, I told her this already and I expressed to her that I just want to see the look on her face when she sees what I have gotten for her.

It really sucks having someone in your head, but then its good knowing you have a good friend that cares about you alot. If I could, I would tell her that I think about her all of the time, even though she is so sure in her head no one is ever thinking about her when she's not around.

Hm, so this rant turned into my endless ramblings about a girl, I guess I am in too pleasant a mood to rant at the present, which is a welcome change of pace.

Deer Sex Still Deemed Illegal

Bryan James Hathaway is the defendant in a Wisconsin court. What for? He is accused of having sexual relations with a dead deer. Even worse than that, before he the trial was started the defendant tried to get the case dismissed on the grounds that he couldn't be accused of raping the animal because it was dead.

Fredric Anderson, Hathaway's Lawyer, argued that when the animal died, it was no longer an animal, his exact quote is something, "The term 'animal' refers to a living organism, not a carcass." Luckily for us, as people that know its wrong to sleep with livestock or animals in general, Judge Lucci commented that, "Most people understand that an animal does not necessarily cease being or qualifying as an animal or even being referred to as an animal once it's dead. The 'primary focus' of Wisconsin's criminal statute dealing with crimes against sexual morality is on human behavior and on protecting sexual morality in the community, and not necessarily on animal protection."

I think this is a good thing, because everyone needs to know that there are just some things you can't do, this being one of them, not only is it sick, and it shows in Hathaway's past. Allegedly found the deer on the roadside dead in the ditch. It was dead when he found it. But also the man has a past of such things as being prosecuted for killing a horse that he meant to "sexually assault".

In the pictures I have, you can just tell that there is something up with this guy, I'm glad that at least the judge didn't rule in his favor.

Casino Royale...

I just have to say that I saw Casino Royale today and I was blown away, it has got to be the best Bond film ever. The acting, the story, the characters, they fleshed everything out and make the whole thing more human and more believeable. If you're a fan of the old too cool to get messy Bond, then you're in for a shock. This time around the character is griddier, more like you would expect a man like this to be.

There's no more of that British versus the Russians, they updated the conflict, updated the locales and they made sure that everything fits in today's times around today's problems. Most of the old Bonds were focused on the Cold War, which has been over now more than a decade. This one offers the War on Terroism as its venue.

The new Bond actor, Daniel Craig did a great job, I really had my doubts at first but he more than lived up to the name. I think he might have actually played the best Bond since Connery, if not better than Connery himself.

I don't want to give away too much, but one last thing that came as a pleasant surprise in this movie was the lead actress, Eva Green.

From the second that she walked into the shot I thought to myself, "I hope she stays the whole movie". She's probably one of the most beautiful women I have seen in a movie only because she doesn't come off as skany or slutty, which is what movies seem to think guys want. She was classy, elegant and sophisticated looking; and she definately played the part well. I really can't think of one flaw in this movie, I enjoyed every minute of it.

Musings of a Cigarette Smoking Man

"Life... is like a box of chocolates. A cheap, thoughtless, perfunctory gift that nobody ever asks for. Unreturnable, because all you get back is another box of chocolates. You're stuck with this undefinable whipped-mint crap that you mindlessly wolf down when there's nothing else left to eat. Sure, once in a while, there's a peanut butter cup, or an English toffee. But they're gone too fast, the taste is fleeting. So you end up with nothing but broken bits, filled with hardened jelly and teeth-crunching nuts, and if you're desperate enough to eat those, all you've got left is a... is an empty box... filled with useless, brown paper wrappers." —The Cigarette Smoking Man (X-Files episode "Musings of a Cigarette Smoking Man")

Repost: Black Issue

Today on facebook was a repost of the "Black Issue".

Climax

Things really seem to be going in an awkward direction. I'm sitting here on a nice Sunday afternoon trying to write and there couldn't be more going on in the back of my mind. One thing that I know I do, with everything that comes along, is that I plan too far ahead without making sure I take a good long look at where I started.

All of this would be easier to explain if I used my writing as an example; when I start to plan a story I write down what I want to happen. That's something that I am sure a lot of writers do. But the difference is that when you plan the action of the story, a lot of the time you already have the idea of the climax in your head...

The final rise and fall action of the characters is at the very forefront of my head, its basically all I can think about. I mean when does the most exciting stuff happen? At the end of the story right?

Well isn't that what we are all trying to get to, the exciting parts of life, the exciting parts of the day, the rest of the day is just filler. Well right there, yeah there is where I made my mistake. I spent so much time planning the outcome and the actions immediately around it that I didn't plan the starting point and develope it enough. It's the same way with me in life, I spend all of this time trying to wait and plan for the exicting parts that I miss all of the stuff leading up to them. This might sound like a simple "stop and smell the roses" comment, but its more than that. It's more like "Pay attention to the journey and worry about only the obstacles immediately in front of you, don't think too far ahead."

Words That Crystal Can't Say

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Friends

Tomorrow I leave to go back to Houston, I don't know what to expect, but I'm kind of glad, I have gotten pretty bored with San Antonio and I am just in need of a change of scenery. Really, I think that the problem might be that I spend time listening to others trying to rationalize why I should be nice to people or be around people I really don't care for.

Things you might not know about me, but that shouldn't really surprise you are that I really don't desire the respect of many people—mostly because I find most people I seem to come across aren't worth having it from in the first place. If you don't see me trying to get your attention or hang out with you, or whatever, chances are I don't want to. Even greater are the chances that you're doing one of the things that I don't really like to be around.

I wouldn't say that you're unlucky not to be my friend really, because I want more from a friend than just a person who can be around me when we do fun stuff. Anyone who actually cares enough to stick by you though all of the stupid, nonsensical choices you make, someone who will be there for you even when you're wrong to help pick up the pieces...someone I can do the same for. That is the kind of friend I want. If that can't be you, then I don't want you. I mean seriously having a lot of fair weather friends can be worse than having no friends at all.

The Hero Dies In This One

I hate the way you make me feel, I want to yell it to you, the way I feel but I can't, my words come out as silent actions and looks from across the room. I can't stand the tension, the things I am thinking about I can't take my mind off of.

I hated myself for how much I've done to make you distance yourself. I hate the secrets that have gotten revealed, the ones that we now know didn't help anything. I hate how the subject of "us" comes up in regular conversation...the way you look at me when I look at you, like I'm nothing, like I'm less than nothing. When all I ever wanted from you was for you to look at me and maybe see someone you would like to have something more with.

I hate pain. Pain that I feel all of the time now because I don't know what to do, because I'm so confused and scared all of the time that it hurts, it transfers over into the physical. I hate feeling like I want to kiss you sometimes, or like I want to hold you and tell you everything will be okay. I want to be there to brush away any tears you have, to talk you through the painful things and console you through all of your fears and dark times. I fucking hate that I'm too much of a coward to do this for you or for me.

RE: To The Ladies

Here's to nights staying up talking with old friends about the last few months, and about talking about the last few years. There is so much out there going on in people's lives that when you stop talking to them for a while, you almost forget that there is this build up of stuff that has been changing them over all of that time that you don't see them.

I wanted to write a few things, even though I am in no way a dating or relationship expert that I think most guys can agree with when it comes to what we do and don't like to have done to us.

Don't tell us that we're perfect, but that you can't date us. Perfect is a subjective term, that is to say when you say something is perfect, its usually and opinion based on what you would like to have. If you like us well enough to call us perfect, then you like us welle enough to date us. Otherwise we wouldn't be perfect in your eyes.

If you really are ugly, don't expect us to complement you when you complain about it. As a matter of a fact be glad we don't agree. Some guys will say that there is nothing worse than a girl fishing for compliments, well I never minded and I like telling a girl she's beautiful or pretty, if she really is.

Every guy wants sex (sexual attention of some kind) to some degree, the trick is to find one who isn't willing to let it destroy your relationship or feelings; and is willing to wait until you're ready. I haven't met a guy that absolutely doesn't want sex—that having been said, I am a guy and I can turn down sexual advances if I have to. Sometimes there's just moral obligations that have to be taken care of, if a girl tries to kiss me and she's drunk and out of it, she's going to get denied because I don't want things to go down like that.

Some things that you will do might be taken as signs or advances. If you wonder why guys keep coming after you that you have no interest in, then you might want to evaluate the way you are when you first meet new people.

Fantasy men are just that. There's nothing more drab than a long awaited fantasy that you finally get.

Despite what you might think we do notice the small things. I always hear this about girls noticing the small things, but you know there are guys out there that do notice the little things, like if you wrikle your nose a little when you laugh, or even a change in hairstyle or some other thing some might consider small.

Not all of us are visually enticed alone. Sometimes things like smells or the way something feels can make a guy remember it forever, and I'm not talking sexual. There's this girl that wore a perfume/spray/body thing...whatever, and when I am out and I smell it I have to get away because it reminds me of her so bad.

Lastly, With us, not everything is a symbol. This is not Indiana Jones or Da Vinci Code, not everything we do is a signal. If we get you a certain color flowers, its not because those flowers stand for this, usually we'll tell you if we want you to know that, not because we didn't think you knew, but because we just looked it up and want to look smart. But too many times do things go wrong because someone takes something as communication when it wasn't meant to be.

Well I hope that this helped in some way clear things up, like I said, I am in no way the average guy, but I know I'm not alone.

Nightmares

This is a quote about nightmares I just loved when I first heard it, I wanted to note it down somewhere.

"In my time, nightmares walked among us, walked and danced, skewering victims in plain sight, laying their fears and worst desires out for everyone to see. This—to make us laugh.
And now nightmares are trapped inside the heads of humans—pitiful echoes of themselves. I wonder whom they angered so to merit such a fate."

I Miss You...

I have this overwehelming need to go for a walk right now, to clear my head and get rid of some of the things that have been floating around in there, I want to do this because I need to get back to writing, I need to get back to what I am supposed to be doing, what I really love to do. Normally when I write in here I write about all kinds of things, some of them valid some of them really not. But I want to write about something really valid right now, I want to write about the people that have left.

Mandi, you first and foremost, you know you were the first friend I had here that I really trusted and the only one that never let me down. I felt like I lost someone really important to me the day that you moved, and I know I wrote about this before. You were always there for me, helped me through a lot and I only wish I could see you more often.

Persephanie, you're not really out of town, but it makes no difference, I never get to see you anymore. You're like the smartest person I know, and you're so sweet and caring, its like you love everything and everyone. I feel bad because after this year, you will be gone, and when I think about that I get scared because here is someone who I never get to see, and who I might not see for an even longer time. You're like one of the coolest people I met last year, and you're always reading my stories and being so sweet about them, even when I know I can do better with them, and you encourage me without sounding rude, even though you are the better writer, thanks for everything.

Dave, I barely got to know you it seems, but remember the night we almost died in the storm? And all of the talks we had? I feel like you're some kind of wise old sage, and all I can say is I wish I had gotten to know you better than I did. To be honest I had my misconceptions about you at first, but when I got to know you it was like this life changing experince and stuff. Glad to hear you'll be back on Friday.

Tabitha, you're such a great person to talk to and I wish I got to see you a lot more than I do. I mean its really odd that most of our talking was done after you left, but I still think that there is a lot to be learned from all of the things you tell me. You're a great person to talk to and a great friend.

Brandon B., we were roommates for a year and you always listened to what I had to say, even when it was rudely directed at you. You might have had the wrong idea from time to time, but you were one of the nicest guys I've known. You were pretty no bullshit about what went on with you and you really didn't want to take shit from anyone. You're missed around here man.

I know that I couldn't say this to any one of these people enough, but thanks, you're some of the best people I have met in my life, even though you guys were only in it in person for a short time.

_{I hate the CAP program...}

Apology is Policy

It seems the more and more I learn about the world around me, the title to this entry seems true. I'm starting to think that apologies should be doen away with completely because they aren't anything, they're really just hollow formality when you think about it, like saying bless you when someone sneezes.

But the important thing to remember is that when you say sorry to someone, for whatever it is you're apologizing you need to show them more than just tell them. You need to actually make sure that they see you are sorry and that they mean something to you. When I apologize I try to do this, but it seems that I rarely see the same curtosey extended by others.

In truth, apology shouldn't just be policy, it should be a promise to do better.

Hurt

When there's something stuck in your head that you can't get out, what would you suggest be done? It's hard to carry so much on you're own and to feel like there's really know where you can turn with it all. It's more than just what those around me are thinking that I am holding to. It falls somewhere along the lines of, there are these people, people that are really special to me that I want to protect. People that I know are hurting because things have happened to them and those things show.

I really just want them to stop hurting because I know what happens to a person after so much of that.

How Many People Want To Kick Some Ass?

Sometimes I hear stuff from other people, men and women, along the lines of "All men want sex, and they don't care about being committed, that's some kind of woman idea." It pisses me off because generalizations like that couldn't be further from the truth, which is what happens when you make almost any blanket statement. I don't care how many guys you've been with or how many guys you know, but we're not all evil walking penises with one thing on our mind (I don't know how to make penis plural...I've never had to before).

I'm a male and I have said it before, and I will say it again "I believe you should treat any woman like you would want your daughter treated", shit same goes for boys and your son. Now if you son/daughter is being a dick, then by all means tear into them. But there are too many good girls out there who give up and settle because they believe the above statement about men.

Prentiss Walker and I, you know him as PJ, had this thing a while ago, where we had the idea to sell all our shit (all our non-videogame/computer shit) and go on tour across the country beating the Hell out of guys who treat girls badly. We called it PJ and Justin: Beat Across America Tour, besides the obvious juvinile masturbation reference, I think this was a good idea. Any guys who want to join us, just bring a bat and some stuff to sell for gas money. We'll do this like Jay and Silent Bob style with "How Many People Want to Kick Some Ass" by Stroke 9 playing the whole time.

Guys, people in general need to learn The world is not perfect, but we should live as if the world is how it should be, to show it how it can be...oh and hitting anything with a bat makes it better.

Female rape victims are themselves to blame.

The words of a muslim leader, blaming the victims for something that they really have no control over in this. What's worse about this is this is not the first time I have heard this said about rape victims and don't think for a second that This is just those muslims. A few years back I was watching television and I remember this Christian Pastor came on, I had seen him around before, but never watched him. He got on the air and talked about how women were to blame for the lack of sexual morals and increase of rape in this country.

He spoke on how by wearing revealing clothes women caused men to sin themselves. Now seriously, how do you get off claiming things like that? I am around women all day. I only see them like every other time I open my eyes outside of this apartment. I think not only are people completely able to control themselves sexually, I don't think that ever seeing a girl dressed a little revelaing made me think that she wanted to be raped.

Some of the words this muslim leader, Sheik Hilali, out Australia said were very much more offensive: "If you take out uncovered meat and place it outside on the street, or in the garden or in the park, or in the backyard without a cover, and the cats come and eat it ... whose fault is it, the cats or the uncovered meat?" First off, I've got news for everyone out there, women aren't meat, they aren't just something that you go to the market and pick up, they are much more important than meat because they are humans and are equal to men. Second off, I don't eat any found meat and I'm not a damn cat.

If comparing women to "uncovered meat" doesn't make you angry enough he later goes on to call women "weapons" used by Satan to control men.

I think that we as men need to actually take charge and speak out for the truth about rape, about how it is wrong in any form from the brutal rapes to date rape. Also I think that this portrayal makes us look bad, it actually makes us look worse than the women because we seem like animals or like we are easily mislead and have no thought process of our own.

Then there is the fact that rapists target women based on a personal preference a lot of the time. Some rapist might want to go after shy girls who are very innocent and wouldn't ever be caught in a short skirt. It's the same as anyone having a preference criminal or otherwise. Some theives will be less likely to go for certain things, because of some preference and so on. You can't blame a specific group, based on just how they dress for a problem that really lies with the individual.

A while back I joined a group on facebook about how I think rapists should be casturated and also one about how I think the death penalty should be sought for them. I pretty much strongly think if you rape or murder anyone, they should put the needle to you. Because that's a crime that can sometimes be worse than murder because right there, that person's suffering ends. I have several friends that have been raped or sexually abused, and let me tell you it never goes away for them. It is constantly in the back of their minds and with good reason. I couldn't even imagine what kind of emotional pain that is to go through. With this note I am tagging everyone I know, mostly because this pissed me off and I think people need to see it.

If you're a woman then you need to speak out, make sure religious leaders and others know that its not your fault if you're sexually abused, its the fault of the perpatrators and no one else. If you're a guy then stop treating women as objects. Basically you need to treat anywoman the way you'd want your daughter treated. And porn, yeah, that objectifies women, esepcially the creepy brutal kind. There are a lot of rapists out there that have mental issues no one can fix, but as a society we can always start by making sure that children and others know all people are people and not property.

Eons

This is going to be short, I pormise. But for all of those out there who have given into the fad that is myspace, myself included, there is a new myspace type website for people over the age of 50. It's called eons.com and I saw a commercial for it on the television. I almost laughed when I heard about it because I kept thinking about all of these old people with emo pictures. Maybe for the first time someone's page could say they were 99 years old and mean it.

Really the possibilities are endless. But really I think it is good to give older people some place to go. Oh well, that's all I have to say about it. Oh and pick up the Pisano tomorrow, I have two pictures in there, one a comic, this one actually serious, written by Tarin and drawn by me. And Tarin has an article on rape that everyone should read.

Stories

I have been writing much more productively lately, which I have to say is a very good thing. I always worry about losing my ability to write because it seems that every time I get a little dry spell in it, it takes longer and longer for me to come back and start up again. Really I think that this time around I can make the story much more interesting just because it seems like the more you learn about life and everything the more you are able to incorperate and make it seem real while making things interesting and fun.

I still need to go back and rework on of the other stories I wrote, the vampire one, its going to need a lot of work and I have to remove some characters, remake some, and change some of the back stories of others. Then I am going to have to add in some more flashbacks because the circumstances of things have changed alot. To anyone who wants to read anything I have written just ask!

Trust

I'm playing Final Fantasy XII right now, and shit, all I have to say is I haven't had so much fun with a game in a long time, I would have to guess that it comes close to when I used to play VII. But the game is pretty heavy with all kinds of real life political things, one of these is betrayal. Really I think that betrayal has become a word that comes up a lot politics. Even more so it appears in many ancient texts and lituerature; Dante says that the lowest layer of Hell is reserved for betrayers and deserters.

Now anyone who has been betrayed can vocalize that what they really feel when it comes down to it is a lack of trust, how can you trust someone who would do something wrong to you in the first place. Trust is earned, even if its easy to earn. People might test trust sometimes, you're talking to a girl at a bar and she asks you to hold her coat...that's a stretch, you're talking to a girl at a bar and she just asks what you want to suggest to drink or eat. Or someone asks your opinion on a book or movie, both parties involved are working on a basis of trust now. Trust is kind of like credit, when you get it with one person you pretty much just earn it with them, sometimes their friends will trust you too. But when you lose trust, everyone can lose trust in you, just like when your credit score gets messed up.

I am not a master of the analogy so I am glad that you bared with me through that. What I am saying is that there are some people I really trust out there, I trust to tell anything to them. I'm pretty easy to earn trust from, which might be my big mistake. I know that a lot of the problems that I have are of my own doing. So when someone ruins their trust with you, what happens to them. Basically you treat them like you normally would be keep them at arms lenght. Don't let them get on the inside of anything, just because of the simple fact you're not able to trust them close.

_{Oh, and I'm level 26, thank God for power leveling.}

You Know How I Know You're Gay?

Your name is Greg Rivas...

Okay, yeah he still deserved that. The other day Greg and I watched 40 year old virgin, okay movie with a good message, but the best damn part of the flick wasn't even shown in its entirity, the part where the two guys are playing Mortal Kombat calling each other gay. I think that was one of the most infamous moments in recent years in film. I loved it. The thing about it is, it reminded me of PJ, John and I in the old days. We used to make jokes about each other's moms and even incorperate them into the game we were playing.

Once John made this trick in Tony Hawk Pro Skater 3 called "Ridin' PJ's Mom", another one that comes to mind is "The jump bigger than John's Penis", it was really small...the jump I didn't see the other thing. But its sometimes fun to just rag on friends, and go back and forth. Right now I have this ongoing thing about Greg and Brandon being women, I love to do it to. I am constantly calling one or both of them women, and for the stupidest stuff, a few weeks back I was at this halloween party and one of the girls there had this tiny can of beer. I had a taste of one and I texted Brandon, "Hey, I'm drinking one of your beers you fucking woman." I later told him what I meant.

The sad part is none of us have any animosity towards gays or women, I'd just as soon call Greg a baby...which really don't even have the effect of calling someone something they can't be and never have been, like calling a guy a woman. Actually I think Greg would make a pretty bad girl, what with the beard and all. He does seem strangely fascinated with cats though...