Common Misconception

Last night I talked to an old friend I told her something, I'm not going to repeat it here, its hardly something that you need to know to get the point of the story. But the idea here is that she was so shocked by what I told her and professed that I didn't seem like the type who would do that thing.

This spiked my curiosity and I wondered what it was about me in high school that made it seem like I didn't think about stuff like that. Why was it that people there had the idea I was this sweet innocent person who didn't think things that I'm sure a lot of the general population does? I asked her over and over what it was about me that made her think this.

For clarity sake I will say this, it was nothing overwhelmingly nasty, awkward or uncommon, maybe something you don't expect if you don't know me that well, though.

The thing is that in high school I couldn't talk to the people I went to school with about things. The few times I divulged anything it would suddenly end up being public knowledge and then everyone would know it somehow. I didn't feel like that was something that should have happened, but that was high school for me. I got picked on for who I liked and what I liked. My music wasn't the stuff that I should have listened to supposedly, the girls I liked weren't always considered attractive so I learned early on to keep my mouth shut.

But after talking to my friend the other night I am wondering what misconceptions other people I have known in the past have about me. I know the people who really know me like Prentiss, Brandon, John, Heather and others like those know most of the story. But I wonder to others how I come off.

Down Points And Shades of Gray

This morning I went to a place that I hadn't even thought about in probably thirteen years. I went back to my old elementary school. You see before I moved out to Manvel, before my mother died when I was six, I lived in Spring, Texas and I went to school right where my nephew goes now.

Of course, that was all fourteen years ago. And now I fee old, fourteen years. From the moment that we stepped into the cafeteria it was kind of creepy. I mean when i think of that place everything was so huge. I was so tiny. I remember not being able to see over things, and now those same things barely reach my waist. I remember it taking forever to walk down those halls after recess but because my stride is bigger now the walk is barely even registrable as a walk.

I took my nephew this morning because of the Donuts for Dad's event that was going on at his school. His dad, my brother was out of town on account of business. Funny though, they were doing the exact same event when I was his age and my father couldn't make it, the price of having a dad as a doctor. I suppose sometimes I think that I wish I had more time with my parents, you know before I got to that age where I realized half of what they told me was bullshit and that they annoy the Hell out of me.

But I wonder what the me back then would say if he met the me now. I don't even think little kids know what to say. Their minds don't work the same, they're more abstract. And the world they observe, even though it might be the same world we observe, is a much happier place when you don't have over a decade of grief backing it up. When my mom died that was probably when I realized that bad things didn't just happen on television. And that when bad things happened they weren't resolved in thirty minutes with time enough for commercial breaks.

I used to watch a lot of Nick at Night when I was a kid, now there is a world you would want to live in,want your kids to live in. All of that wonder and hope, all of the problems ironing themselves out in one or two episodes. No grief and best of all, no shades of gray. Because the shades of gray are what really get you in life, the areas where its hard to tell right from wrong and your moral compass is going berserk.

Life, well life now, seems to just be marked by a series of down points and the areas of gray fogginess. And the trick, I've learned is to learn what down points to dodge, which ones you can't and how to take a hit. Through all of this gray fog you can't see far ahead and some things aren't always morally spelled out.

There's Nothing Left Here

In all honesty you've seen the last there is of me to see because there's nothing left there to see. So don't be surprised if I've stopped caring about most of the dumb shit people worry about on a day to day basis and don't be shocked if I sound bitter. I am bitter, I'm going to be bitter and the reasoning behind this is because not only do I never get what I want, I never even get what I need. I never even get to be happy or enjoy something as simple as a really close friend.

All I asked was to keep this one thing so I'd have some level of sanity left, someone to ground me here in the world and to support me. Yeah I have other friends but none have had the effect of this one in the short time that she was there. So I don't want to drag this out, I just want to say don't expect me to be the same. I'm not, I'm not going to be for a long time. I promised I would be better when all of this is over, but I really don't see how I will.

I lost a friend, and it might be for a long time. It might not. Yes I'm hurting over it but this is only the latest thing to have gone wrong in a string of things I can't even begin to comprehend. Above all else I wanted this one person by my side and it seems she wouldn't be due to circumstances that neither of us can control.

One of my best friends gone, and all I can say is that this is probably the worst year yet. It's not even Feburary and I feel like that already. My spirit's pretty much crushed and I don't even want to know what the rest of this time is going to hold, I just want her back.

My (highly Offensive) Political Rant

I'm sick and fucking tired of people bitching about President Bush. I go out to the stores and its all I hear people talking about. When he's worried about the war people bitch about him ignoring the environment. He goes and talks about the environment recently and low and behold they are suddenly worried about the war and why he's not worried about it.

People are bitching about the death toll in Iraq, and I am no Bush supporter, and I definitely don't agree with being affiliated with a political party, but do you all realize the death tolls of previous wars we've been in? In Vietnam there were weeks where over 4,000 died. Think of that four fucking thousand.

In World War II that many died in one day sometimes...so you think this war is a bloody mess. History shows us it's not. Hell, terrorism must not be an effective way of fighting if they are over there killing as many of themselves, or more in this case, than they do of themselves.

And to those who support Israel because its the homeland of the Jews and consequently, Jesus, you all need to pull your heads out of your asses. Israel is fucking up. If we did what they were doing to those people over there the whole world would jump us. Even Jesus would kick someone in the crotch for acting like a dick, which they are, blowing up ambulances and the like.

I really don't go on political rants often, but this is more of a stupid people rant. Look at the things you're saying, you try to answer questions you haven't heard yet. Political Parties are the dumbest thing since some fucktard tried to invent the football bat. And then to you who would defend Israel...that's not their country anymore. They lost that in a war fair and square. How would you like it if after World War III some other people somewhere came and told us that we had to give England control of the whole East Coast, even though they lost it centuries ago in a war?

That's what happened to the Palestinians after World War II, before you speak out, learn what you're talking about; otherwise you might just show off your stupidity.

A Rain to Wash The World Clean

"A rain to wash the world clean," that's a quote from the movie Cowboy Bebop; and that is also what it seems like is going on outside. This isn't the hard kind of rain, not the threatening kind. But the kind that you see that seems peaceful and cleansing. I love soft rain when its cold out and you can just sit and look out at everything, or sit and read, or sit and write. Any of those would be acceptable answers.

I don't think that I have had time to report that I did actually finish my first story, it is the first time in a year I have finished anything I was writing that was over ten pages. And that says a lot I guess. Some might think it says that I procrastinate. But in actuality I think it says I have been rewriting over and over because that is what I have been doing.

So now with this roll that I am on I am launching myself right into the next story so that I can keep rolling with this, I want to have two stories done by this summer, that means that I will have to have one more done.

I wanted to get to something but I drug this out so long that I will hardly have time to say it before I get too long winded. So I am going to work on writing it in another blog.

Like Yellow Does On Blue

Right now I am sitting in the hallway at the school, typing on the lap top and just wondering, what I can do to get back on my feet. I'm so tired right now that I am sore. I am actually trying really hard in school this time around. And I know that it is going to take a lot out of me. This weekend was pretty bad, I won't go into details but out of all the good jokes that came out of this weekend, it really still wasn't worth it.

The only things that I really got to do this weekend were get a few things and drop of Persephanie's gift, I saw my friends, but it got ruined, by myself of all people. I really just want to avoid everyone right now, or most everyone. I really don't feel all that great.

I talked to Persephanie on her birthday, by the way happy birthday to her, and she made me feel a little better. She's always pulling for me, there are a few people who are. I wonder if I really deserve with the way I have been lately. I owe a lot of people apologies that I'm not willing to give them in person. I'm not even willing to look them in the eye.

Things are, to say the least, very confusing right now. I'm lost and without a map. But something happened on the way home from San Antonio, I heard something in a song that made me think back on how much I depend on some people. How much people depend on us. I rely on one person especially for support. The line from the song says it perfectly, "I can't deny that I've relied on you, like yellow does on blue".

The prospect of losing this person has come up, and the reasons aren't in my hands. 2007 is quickly becoming a contender for the title of shittiest year ever, but then it has to go up against high school (2000-2004) which was a four-peat and lets not forget the shitfest (shitstorm if you will) that was last year. If this keeps up I might just Falcon Punch somebody.

What Is Unattainable?

What I wrote yesterday seemed to illicit some response. I guess its because so many guys have gotten shit on by the whole thing. All that I have to say in the defense of the women is I can figure while you do it. And its something that Chris Rock said, because really when the guy is talking he speaks a lot of truth for a comedian.

Basically what he said was that the reason that women are so defensive is because from the time they are about fourteen years old they have men trying to offer them sex.

Now before any of you girls call my bluff think about the number of times you've had guys go out of their way for you, now think back to how long those guys stuck around after they figured out they weren't getting any. Even I am guilty of this. Not in the same way that I stated. But I've been trying to talk to a woman, get their attention and the like and then I notice a wedding ring and I scatter like roaches when the light comes on.

Does it make me a bad guy if I lose interest in a woman when I realize she's unattainable? I mean some people would say that its just me being shallow that I don't get to know the person first, but I assure you that I think her husband would beg to differ.

But there are some girls who aren't unattainable, but they are just harder to go for. Recently I started to think about what it would take to go after someone who you really cared for and what it was worth. What I mean by that is that if you think the person is so important that you can't stand to let them pass by. And even then there is always that time when you just have to chalk it up to that unattainable category. Right now I am trying to decide what to do.

When Did This Become Standard

I can tell you this right now, if you're dating someone, talking to them, or anything, make sure that your intentions are well known before you decide to upgrade or downgrade the relationships. This means that you don't just expect them to understand you want more than there is now and you definitely don't just stop talking to them all together.

This happened to me recently, a girl decided that she didn't want to talk anymore. And really I am tired of it. You really try to take things at their pace, you try to be nice and care about them and they don't even give you the benefit of telling you that she is not feeling like this is the right thing. I don't even know how many times I have had girls tell me some off the wall story trying to make me feel better instead of just coming out and saying we shouldn't date anymore, or even what they are doing with you right then, isn't a date.

If you were asked out on a date by a guy, and you don't want to date anymore, just tell him. Don't try to let him down soft or whatever you want to call it. That's when things get complicated because a lot of the time what a woman calls letting a guy down soft is just her way of dodging the issue. If you didn't want to date the guy, then don't accept the offer, if you get on the date and realize its not right, then tell him.

This girl and I never got to go on a date, we actually met over myspace. So I never even got to meet her in person. But when we talked she seemed normal and interested. Problem was when that ran out, she just took off. It's not like I had invested much in it, I don't invest much in people these days let alone relationships. I just thought maybe she would actually be fair about things.

Trophy Wife

Today is when I go home, I really don't want to go back right now, I am really content ot sit here and just type, maybe hang out with some of the people that are still around. I'm not really that excited about Christmas. I don't really hate the holiday, I actually hate Thanksgiving. One good thing is that when I go home I might get to see people that I haven't seen in a long time. I talked to Julie Matteson the other day, Julie and I haven't seen each other since I left for school almost three years ago. I really miss Julie, she was one of the few people that I knew who really felt like she actually meant and did the right thing all of the time. I haven't seen Matt, another friend of mine since my first year of college. PJ and John I see when I go home pretty much, but its always good to get to see them.

I really hope that in my week there I get to see the people that I really miss. So that I can make this trip at least half worth it. People around me are really becoming more and more stressful, which is partly why some of the things that I have done some of the things I have recently. Whether or not some of the stress is relieved remains to be seen.

Sliding Doors

This was written by Persephanie, seems strangely similar to my plight right about now. I told her that, but not the exact details of everything. Well tell me what you think. This was originally posted on myspace.

You might be wondering what I meant by "sliding doors". There are many times in a person's life where one ponders on the idea of the "What ifs". What if the south won in the Civil War? What if Kerry won against Bush? What if you break up? What if you don't get into the college of your dreams? What if something happens beyond your control, and you aren't prepared for it? There are endless "what ifs" in a person's lifetime, but how do we handle them?

Recently, something has made me think of the sliding door metaphor. The door can open one way or the other, yet I have no choice in the situation. I become the spectator, observing my life transforming while my feet are cemented into the floor not allowing me to make any moves. However, despite the fact that we can't see what the future holds for us, we can do one thing: keep our chin up.

I know this is corny, but we cannot give up, we cannot stop fighting the good fight, we cannot let the "what ifs" bring us down. Never. Keep on smiling, laughing, and living. The worst thing in life is allowing something or someone kick us so hard in the ass that it kills the inside of our hearts, minds, and souls. Like I say, I'm no superman and I can't do this all on my own, but hell, I'm going to try my damned best to win, whether it's the war or just a small battle. And the battle can just be proving the world that you've got what it takes to stay on your feet.

Sometimes The Hardest Thing And The Right One Are the Same

Have you ever said something to someone only to realize exactly what you were saying later and to really come to grasp it? I was talking about this song by The Fray with the line in it "Sometimes the hardest thing and right one are the same..." That line right there may not mean much when you look at it, but it makes me wonder.

There are always those times when you say you're going to work through something no matter what it is and you are going to get things to work out, then there are those times when you just give up and let things fall by the wayside. But how do you decide when its just time to throw in the towel? Right now there is this girl, she seems unattainable. She's younger, she's moving away and she just seems too nice and too good looking for me. Despite every other girl that comes around I have been unable to get her off my mind since the moment I heard her name.

Even she is always telling me to try for what I want and to fight for it, does that mean she wants to see me do that for her? I'm not sure if I have much more fight left in me. And then, how do you let someone know that all you want and need in life is them really? You can't just say it to someone like that, there's no way that could be taken the right way.

Now there is another girl, who I really haven't known long, but I am willing to try if she is. The only thing is that I don't want to miss my chance with the first girl. I'm so confused as to what to do. Both of them are really sweet and I don't know where do go with either of them next.

Not sure if anyone else has ever been in this place, but it is not fun. Right now I am racking my brain thinking about it. Man I suck at life.

The Monsters Are Due On Maple Street

The Monsters Are Due On Maple Street was an episode of the Original Twilight zone, one of the most famous actually. The episode revolved around a small suburban neighborhood and the suspicion that aliens might soon be coming. When the whole block loses power its easy for the people to suspect this is part of the alien plot, but when one person gets their power turned back on it is thought he must be one of the alien conspirators.

Eventually the a mob gathers and ends up killing the man who's light had come on, but one of the most outspoken members of the mob returns home to find his lights on and knows how it must look. The last shot in the episode is of two aliens speaking on a hilltop overlooking the town.

"Understand the procedure now? Just stop a few of their machines...throw them into darkness for a few hours and then sit back and watch the pattern. They pick the most dangerous enemy they can find and it's themselves."

This episode has been remade once, using terrorism instead of aliens. But the main thing to see here is that when face with adversity people often turn on each other. Its easy to point the finger instead of trying to fix the problem. The end of the show narration went like this:

"The tools of conquest do not necessarily come with bombs and explosions and fallout. There are weapons that are simply thoughts... attitudes... prejudices. To be found only in the minds of men. For the record, prejudices can kill, and suspicion can destroy, and the thoughtless, frightened search for a scapegoat has a fallout all of its own for the children, and the children yet unborn. And the pity of it is... that these things cannot be confined to... The Twilight Zone."

Prognosis: Boredom

I have been pretty much sitting around the house here for the last few days, I have been going out with friends every once in a while. What sucks is that it seems when I get home everyone who wanted to hang out is suddenly busy or not around. I really don't like being here for long stints of time, its no fun just being here with family, I get so bored and there's not really many places I can go alone around here because of the Christmas shoppers.

So I have taken to doing things around here that normally I wouldn't do, but this is boredom. It's a war you have to fight, you have to stave off the encroaching armies of boredness. So far I have watched a lot of news, like piles of it: The War in Iraq, more stupid stuff said by politicians, Rosie O'Donald and Trump...

Then there was my picture downloading spree, all that I could find on Something Awful, then just funny picture sites in general, then pictures of Kristin Davis, then I just started downloading GIF images...

The other night PJ and I looked up people from Junior High and High School online just for kicks, we found a lot of them and were surprised to see how a lot of them looked. Then there have been the times that I hung out with people; the other night PJ, Megan, Austin and I sat around and drank, had a lot of fun. Once again I didn't get drunk but I think I came pretty close. Thing was I had to drive home that night so I didn't want it to get too bad. Don't worry though, I actually waited a long time after drinking to try and drive home.

Well there is not much to talk about, but I should have a lot of pictures to put up if I ever get back to seeing some of my friends around here. Right now I am going to go ahead and clean out some of my friends lists and the like. No use leaving that stuff cluttered up.

Home

Today is when I go home, I really don't want to go back right now, I am really content ot sit here and just type, maybe hang out with some of the people that are still around. I'm not really that excited about Christmas. I don't really hate the holiday, I actually hate Thanksgiving. One good thing is that when I go home I might get to see people that I haven't seen in a long time. I talked to Julie Matteson the other day, Julie and I haven't seen each other since I left for school almost three years ago. I really miss Julie, she was one of the few people that I knew who really felt like she actually meant and did the right thing all of the time. I haven't seen Matt, another friend of mine since my first year of college. PJ and John I see when I go home pretty much, but its always good to get to see them.

I really hope that in my week there I get to see the people that I really miss. So that I can make this trip at least half worth it. People around me are really becoming more and more stressful, which is partly why some of the things that I have done some of the things I have recently. Whether or not some of the stress is relieved remains to be seen.

Potent Quotables

I'm a quotes kind of guy, so when I see a quote I like I quickly find it and jot it down and come type it in to a file somewhere that I keep, most of these are on my face book, but there are too many to fit. So I give you most of my quotes (some are kind of lame, but oh well.)

"I don't think that much puss is every a good sign...oh yes please, describe it again."—Lorne (on the phone)

"I'm fibbing, its like like lying only classier."—Gwen Radien

"Um, not a sidekick."—Charles Gunn

"It kinda looks like art, huh? I call it ‘Takes More Than That to Kill Me, Punk.’ Punk is what makes it art."—Charles Gunn

"Let them fight the good fight, someone has to fight the war."—Angel

"Michael needs Chlamydia..."—Matt

"How happy is the blameless vestal's lot?
The world forgetting, by the world forgot.
Eternal sunshine of the spotless mind,
Each pray'r accepted, and each wish resign'd."—Alexander Pope

"Oh come on Barbie, are you a real doctor, or a doctor like Dr. Pepper."—Dr. Cox

"Ah Perry, you're so edgy and cantancorous, you're like House without the limp."—Dr. Kelso

"I start fightin' a war, I guarantee, you'll see somethin' new."—Capt Malcom Reynolds

"Lady, people aren’t chocolates. Do you know what they are mostly? Bastard coated bastards with bastard filling, but I don’t find them half as annoying as I find naïve bobble headed optimist that walk around vomiting sunshine."—Dr. Cox

anon: I've been trying to make tissue babies for fifteen years.



me: Fifteen years? you would have been six



anon: yeah, I went years without any success, then i hit thirteen and finally a breakthrough!

"This is ridiculous. The first assassin kills the second assassin sent to kill the first assassin, who didn't assassinate anyone until we hired the second assassin to assassinate the first assassin."—Random Guy

"Enough is enough! I have had it with these motherfucking snakes on this motherfucking plane!"—Samuel L. Jackson

"My world view allows for winged lizards that are not dragons."—Tycho

"Truth is, this is a bullet that was fired about eight years ago. It's a magic bullet that's been going round and round, and right now it seems poised to hit me right in the back of the head. But maybe the question is not who fired this magic bullet, but whether or not it was a lone gunman."—Mulder

"What I know is I started drinking the moment that I found out that a girl I loved was gonna die. Every time I get to the bottom of the glass, I hope that that last drop is gonna take me with it."—Lorne (angel)

"In my time, nightmares walked among us, walked and danced, skewering victims in plain sight, laying their fears and worst desires out for everyone to see. This—to make us laugh. And now nightmares are trapped inside the heads of humans—pitiful echoes of themselves. I wonder whom they angered so to merit such a fate."—Illyria

"Is everyone here very stoned?"—Spike

Inara Serra: Mal, what are you doing here?



Capt. Malcolm Reynolds: You invited me.



Inara Serra: I never thought for a second you'd be stupid enough to come!



Capt. Malcolm Reynolds: Well that makes you a tease.

"Life... is like a box of chocolates. A cheap, thoughtless, perfunctory gift that nobody ever asks for. Unreturnable, because all you get back is another box of chocolates. You're stuck with this undefinable whipped-mint crap that you mindlessly wolf down when there's nothing else left to eat. Sure, once in a while, there's a peanut butter cup, or an English toffee. But they're gone too fast, the taste is fleeting. So you end up with nothing but broken bits, filled with hardened jelly and teeth-crunching nuts, and if you're desperate enough to eat those, all you've got left is a... is an empty box... filled with useless, brown paper wrappers."—The Cigarette Smoking Man

The Operative: Are you willing to die for your beliefs?



Capt. Malcolm Reynolds: I am...'Course, that ain't exactly plan A.

What's The World Coming To?

I know that I said that I wouldn't be writing here for a while, but I wanted to write this, because this really doesn't sit well with me. It shouldn't sit well with anyone. This report comes a from a website. The basic thing I am going to say that if you are easily disgusted, you might not want to read further.

An eight year old girl, Sofia, was shopping with her uncle, fourteen year old brother, and eleven year old sister. She went off alone to go to the restroom. When she didn't come back they searched both the male and female sides of the bathroom but to no avail. They even knocked on a locked stall door where the girl was probably being attacked at the time. After searching out in the parking lot her brother returned to find her body stripped naked and strangled. She had been brutally raped by a twenty one year old store worker.

When he found her the man who had done it, Dante Wyndham Arthurs, was just fleeing, the boy chased him but lost him. Later the cops apprehended him at his home and he was brought before the court. He was charged with willful murder, deprivation of liberty and two counts of sexual penetration. Hopefully wherever this happened they're able to give this man death because he deserves nothing less than to cease existing.

The loss of this little girl has the family distraught, as one would imagine. My thing is once again what is the world coming to? You are seeing more and more of this kind of thing. We're seeing people do things that are psychotic like branding their wives and having sex with dead animals. This is just one more of those things that makes me wonder if there's any reason to even have faith in people at all. How can any place be right for us to be in when things like this happen.

This case solidifies my firm belief that in some rape cases, the only thing that is justifiable is the death penalty. Our prayers should go out to this girl's family

Tired.

I got to talk to Mandi some today, I think its funny that when I need her most Mandi is always there to set things straight, I can talk to her and she just puts things in such clarity for me. It's strange because Mandi was one of the first friends I made when I moved. Now she is probably one of the only ones I have left from that same time period. I am really tired of trying to maintain friendships. I'm tired of making friends, and losing them at the end of the semester. It's painful to watch people you really want to keep around go.

I really am tried of having to make new friends, I am really tired of trying to build new bridges.

And even more so I am tired of trying at relationships, I think what you really get isn't worth it, especially since most people don't want to try, they don't want things to be good, they want drama. Even when things are going perfectly fine you have those who will just cause drama because they can. I think everyone who's dated has dated someone like that. It never bodes well for them.

It seems like with me I put so much work into things only to get nothing back. And its like Vanessa said, I can't keep getting this happening to me, I can't take all of this stuff hitting me at once, no person can forever. I'm not going to give up on relationships, but I guess I will just be more picky. The other day I asked this girl out, she's a really sweet girl, works at this place I'm at like all of the time. But the thing is that I just wanted to see where things would go, test something out. Because I'm not usually the kind to date someone like that. I just have this mentality, but I think that's really the way to do it, and from what Tomi said, it can work out better when you just give things a chance.

Tomi and I sat with her new boyfriend and talked about leagues one night, like when you say someone is out of your league. I really didn't think that I was even in the league of the average girl, but Tomi told me I shouldn't doubt myself like that. I'm not going to say I've had a complete turn around, but I do believe that I can do it. I can work and become a better person, not so that I can get the girl in the end, but just so I can be happy with how things are. Tomi basically said that there are no leagues, and for any girl that uses them, she's not worth your time. Anyone who would discard you on physical appearance alone is not worth it.

Besides, I've found that while many girls might look good, they aren't mentally stable in there way of thinking about relationships. Really it's not a mental stability, its a mental maturity, and I don't have time to pamper someone until the grow up.

Man Brands His Wife As Property

I found a rather disturbing news story just a while ago, it would seem that a man branded his newly wed wife on their wedding night, he says so that other men would know who she belonged to. The brand is on her butt, I'm not sure how he got it on her without her knowing, maybe he snuck up in when she was sleep. But the thing is that just the fact that someone thinks like this shows you everything that is wrong with people. And it scares me a little bit that its 2006, damn near 2007 and people can still feel this way.

I mean its hardly consider ethical to brand your animals anymore, let alone your loved ones. Thing is the guy is wanted for police questioning, I think they should just let her brand him, I mean if they are married he's as much hers as she is his right? It's only fair.

Great Gift Ideas

Andrew gave me the idea...any ideas on a gift to get a really close female friend that's going to away and this might be the last Christmas you get to see her?

The Girl In Question

It's been a long time since I went on one of my rants. Usually around this time of year is when I get into full rant mode, the holidays are upon us and I have to say that everyone is busy. There are exams, shopping and just the regular stress of the season.

But its odd, things have gotten pushed to the back of my mind, I remember Brandon saying that dreams can effect your day to day life, they can just keep you from going about the everyday tasks that you normally would have no problem doing. Well I have been having dreams about someone a lot lately, which odd because I haven't seen her since like August.

A good friend of mine who has become a mostly online friend, but lives right here in the same city; I just miss her and the thing is I don't get why all of a sudden now she is at the forefront of my mind. I really want to hang out with her, just take her to the movies or something like that. We've never really had hangout time, I used to go visit her where she worked, I would sit and eat some, talk with her and just be happy for a while, this at a time when I hated all that was going on with me otherwise.

There are a lot of good people that I used to hang out with so much last year that I never get to see anymore. It's sad to say but it seems like as semesters change my friends rotate in and out, and this girl is one person I don't want that to happen to.

The other thing is that at the rate things are going I probably won't see her until January, when her birthday rolls around. I am going to get her a Christmas gift, I told her this already and I expressed to her that I just want to see the look on her face when she sees what I have gotten for her.

It really sucks having someone in your head, but then its good knowing you have a good friend that cares about you alot. If I could, I would tell her that I think about her all of the time, even though she is so sure in her head no one is ever thinking about her when she's not around.

Hm, so this rant turned into my endless ramblings about a girl, I guess I am in too pleasant a mood to rant at the present, which is a welcome change of pace.

Deer Sex Still Deemed Illegal

Bryan James Hathaway is the defendant in a Wisconsin court. What for? He is accused of having sexual relations with a dead deer. Even worse than that, before he the trial was started the defendant tried to get the case dismissed on the grounds that he couldn't be accused of raping the animal because it was dead.

Fredric Anderson, Hathaway's Lawyer, argued that when the animal died, it was no longer an animal, his exact quote is something, "The term 'animal' refers to a living organism, not a carcass." Luckily for us, as people that know its wrong to sleep with livestock or animals in general, Judge Lucci commented that, "Most people understand that an animal does not necessarily cease being or qualifying as an animal or even being referred to as an animal once it's dead. The 'primary focus' of Wisconsin's criminal statute dealing with crimes against sexual morality is on human behavior and on protecting sexual morality in the community, and not necessarily on animal protection."

I think this is a good thing, because everyone needs to know that there are just some things you can't do, this being one of them, not only is it sick, and it shows in Hathaway's past. Allegedly found the deer on the roadside dead in the ditch. It was dead when he found it. But also the man has a past of such things as being prosecuted for killing a horse that he meant to "sexually assault".

In the pictures I have, you can just tell that there is something up with this guy, I'm glad that at least the judge didn't rule in his favor.

Casino Royale...

I just have to say that I saw Casino Royale today and I was blown away, it has got to be the best Bond film ever. The acting, the story, the characters, they fleshed everything out and make the whole thing more human and more believeable. If you're a fan of the old too cool to get messy Bond, then you're in for a shock. This time around the character is griddier, more like you would expect a man like this to be.

There's no more of that British versus the Russians, they updated the conflict, updated the locales and they made sure that everything fits in today's times around today's problems. Most of the old Bonds were focused on the Cold War, which has been over now more than a decade. This one offers the War on Terroism as its venue.

The new Bond actor, Daniel Craig did a great job, I really had my doubts at first but he more than lived up to the name. I think he might have actually played the best Bond since Connery, if not better than Connery himself.

I don't want to give away too much, but one last thing that came as a pleasant surprise in this movie was the lead actress, Eva Green.

From the second that she walked into the shot I thought to myself, "I hope she stays the whole movie". She's probably one of the most beautiful women I have seen in a movie only because she doesn't come off as skany or slutty, which is what movies seem to think guys want. She was classy, elegant and sophisticated looking; and she definately played the part well. I really can't think of one flaw in this movie, I enjoyed every minute of it.

Musings of a Cigarette Smoking Man

"Life... is like a box of chocolates. A cheap, thoughtless, perfunctory gift that nobody ever asks for. Unreturnable, because all you get back is another box of chocolates. You're stuck with this undefinable whipped-mint crap that you mindlessly wolf down when there's nothing else left to eat. Sure, once in a while, there's a peanut butter cup, or an English toffee. But they're gone too fast, the taste is fleeting. So you end up with nothing but broken bits, filled with hardened jelly and teeth-crunching nuts, and if you're desperate enough to eat those, all you've got left is a... is an empty box... filled with useless, brown paper wrappers." —The Cigarette Smoking Man (X-Files episode "Musings of a Cigarette Smoking Man")

Repost: Black Issue

Today on facebook was a repost of the "Black Issue".

Climax

Things really seem to be going in an awkward direction. I'm sitting here on a nice Sunday afternoon trying to write and there couldn't be more going on in the back of my mind. One thing that I know I do, with everything that comes along, is that I plan too far ahead without making sure I take a good long look at where I started.

All of this would be easier to explain if I used my writing as an example; when I start to plan a story I write down what I want to happen. That's something that I am sure a lot of writers do. But the difference is that when you plan the action of the story, a lot of the time you already have the idea of the climax in your head...

The final rise and fall action of the characters is at the very forefront of my head, its basically all I can think about. I mean when does the most exciting stuff happen? At the end of the story right?

Well isn't that what we are all trying to get to, the exciting parts of life, the exciting parts of the day, the rest of the day is just filler. Well right there, yeah there is where I made my mistake. I spent so much time planning the outcome and the actions immediately around it that I didn't plan the starting point and develope it enough. It's the same way with me in life, I spend all of this time trying to wait and plan for the exicting parts that I miss all of the stuff leading up to them. This might sound like a simple "stop and smell the roses" comment, but its more than that. It's more like "Pay attention to the journey and worry about only the obstacles immediately in front of you, don't think too far ahead."

Words That Crystal Can't Say

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Friends

Tomorrow I leave to go back to Houston, I don't know what to expect, but I'm kind of glad, I have gotten pretty bored with San Antonio and I am just in need of a change of scenery. Really, I think that the problem might be that I spend time listening to others trying to rationalize why I should be nice to people or be around people I really don't care for.

Things you might not know about me, but that shouldn't really surprise you are that I really don't desire the respect of many people—mostly because I find most people I seem to come across aren't worth having it from in the first place. If you don't see me trying to get your attention or hang out with you, or whatever, chances are I don't want to. Even greater are the chances that you're doing one of the things that I don't really like to be around.

I wouldn't say that you're unlucky not to be my friend really, because I want more from a friend than just a person who can be around me when we do fun stuff. Anyone who actually cares enough to stick by you though all of the stupid, nonsensical choices you make, someone who will be there for you even when you're wrong to help pick up the pieces...someone I can do the same for. That is the kind of friend I want. If that can't be you, then I don't want you. I mean seriously having a lot of fair weather friends can be worse than having no friends at all.

The Hero Dies In This One

I hate the way you make me feel, I want to yell it to you, the way I feel but I can't, my words come out as silent actions and looks from across the room. I can't stand the tension, the things I am thinking about I can't take my mind off of.

I hated myself for how much I've done to make you distance yourself. I hate the secrets that have gotten revealed, the ones that we now know didn't help anything. I hate how the subject of "us" comes up in regular conversation...the way you look at me when I look at you, like I'm nothing, like I'm less than nothing. When all I ever wanted from you was for you to look at me and maybe see someone you would like to have something more with.

I hate pain. Pain that I feel all of the time now because I don't know what to do, because I'm so confused and scared all of the time that it hurts, it transfers over into the physical. I hate feeling like I want to kiss you sometimes, or like I want to hold you and tell you everything will be okay. I want to be there to brush away any tears you have, to talk you through the painful things and console you through all of your fears and dark times. I fucking hate that I'm too much of a coward to do this for you or for me.

RE: To The Ladies

Here's to nights staying up talking with old friends about the last few months, and about talking about the last few years. There is so much out there going on in people's lives that when you stop talking to them for a while, you almost forget that there is this build up of stuff that has been changing them over all of that time that you don't see them.

I wanted to write a few things, even though I am in no way a dating or relationship expert that I think most guys can agree with when it comes to what we do and don't like to have done to us.

Don't tell us that we're perfect, but that you can't date us. Perfect is a subjective term, that is to say when you say something is perfect, its usually and opinion based on what you would like to have. If you like us well enough to call us perfect, then you like us welle enough to date us. Otherwise we wouldn't be perfect in your eyes.

If you really are ugly, don't expect us to complement you when you complain about it. As a matter of a fact be glad we don't agree. Some guys will say that there is nothing worse than a girl fishing for compliments, well I never minded and I like telling a girl she's beautiful or pretty, if she really is.

Every guy wants sex (sexual attention of some kind) to some degree, the trick is to find one who isn't willing to let it destroy your relationship or feelings; and is willing to wait until you're ready. I haven't met a guy that absolutely doesn't want sex—that having been said, I am a guy and I can turn down sexual advances if I have to. Sometimes there's just moral obligations that have to be taken care of, if a girl tries to kiss me and she's drunk and out of it, she's going to get denied because I don't want things to go down like that.

Some things that you will do might be taken as signs or advances. If you wonder why guys keep coming after you that you have no interest in, then you might want to evaluate the way you are when you first meet new people.

Fantasy men are just that. There's nothing more drab than a long awaited fantasy that you finally get.

Despite what you might think we do notice the small things. I always hear this about girls noticing the small things, but you know there are guys out there that do notice the little things, like if you wrikle your nose a little when you laugh, or even a change in hairstyle or some other thing some might consider small.

Not all of us are visually enticed alone. Sometimes things like smells or the way something feels can make a guy remember it forever, and I'm not talking sexual. There's this girl that wore a perfume/spray/body thing...whatever, and when I am out and I smell it I have to get away because it reminds me of her so bad.

Lastly, With us, not everything is a symbol. This is not Indiana Jones or Da Vinci Code, not everything we do is a signal. If we get you a certain color flowers, its not because those flowers stand for this, usually we'll tell you if we want you to know that, not because we didn't think you knew, but because we just looked it up and want to look smart. But too many times do things go wrong because someone takes something as communication when it wasn't meant to be.

Well I hope that this helped in some way clear things up, like I said, I am in no way the average guy, but I know I'm not alone.

Nightmares

This is a quote about nightmares I just loved when I first heard it, I wanted to note it down somewhere.

"In my time, nightmares walked among us, walked and danced, skewering victims in plain sight, laying their fears and worst desires out for everyone to see. This—to make us laugh.
And now nightmares are trapped inside the heads of humans—pitiful echoes of themselves. I wonder whom they angered so to merit such a fate."

I Miss You...

I have this overwehelming need to go for a walk right now, to clear my head and get rid of some of the things that have been floating around in there, I want to do this because I need to get back to writing, I need to get back to what I am supposed to be doing, what I really love to do. Normally when I write in here I write about all kinds of things, some of them valid some of them really not. But I want to write about something really valid right now, I want to write about the people that have left.

Mandi, you first and foremost, you know you were the first friend I had here that I really trusted and the only one that never let me down. I felt like I lost someone really important to me the day that you moved, and I know I wrote about this before. You were always there for me, helped me through a lot and I only wish I could see you more often.

Persephanie, you're not really out of town, but it makes no difference, I never get to see you anymore. You're like the smartest person I know, and you're so sweet and caring, its like you love everything and everyone. I feel bad because after this year, you will be gone, and when I think about that I get scared because here is someone who I never get to see, and who I might not see for an even longer time. You're like one of the coolest people I met last year, and you're always reading my stories and being so sweet about them, even when I know I can do better with them, and you encourage me without sounding rude, even though you are the better writer, thanks for everything.

Dave, I barely got to know you it seems, but remember the night we almost died in the storm? And all of the talks we had? I feel like you're some kind of wise old sage, and all I can say is I wish I had gotten to know you better than I did. To be honest I had my misconceptions about you at first, but when I got to know you it was like this life changing experince and stuff. Glad to hear you'll be back on Friday.

Tabitha, you're such a great person to talk to and I wish I got to see you a lot more than I do. I mean its really odd that most of our talking was done after you left, but I still think that there is a lot to be learned from all of the things you tell me. You're a great person to talk to and a great friend.

Brandon B., we were roommates for a year and you always listened to what I had to say, even when it was rudely directed at you. You might have had the wrong idea from time to time, but you were one of the nicest guys I've known. You were pretty no bullshit about what went on with you and you really didn't want to take shit from anyone. You're missed around here man.

I know that I couldn't say this to any one of these people enough, but thanks, you're some of the best people I have met in my life, even though you guys were only in it in person for a short time.

_{I hate the CAP program...}

Apology is Policy

It seems the more and more I learn about the world around me, the title to this entry seems true. I'm starting to think that apologies should be doen away with completely because they aren't anything, they're really just hollow formality when you think about it, like saying bless you when someone sneezes.

But the important thing to remember is that when you say sorry to someone, for whatever it is you're apologizing you need to show them more than just tell them. You need to actually make sure that they see you are sorry and that they mean something to you. When I apologize I try to do this, but it seems that I rarely see the same curtosey extended by others.

In truth, apology shouldn't just be policy, it should be a promise to do better.

Hurt

When there's something stuck in your head that you can't get out, what would you suggest be done? It's hard to carry so much on you're own and to feel like there's really know where you can turn with it all. It's more than just what those around me are thinking that I am holding to. It falls somewhere along the lines of, there are these people, people that are really special to me that I want to protect. People that I know are hurting because things have happened to them and those things show.

I really just want them to stop hurting because I know what happens to a person after so much of that.

How Many People Want To Kick Some Ass?

Sometimes I hear stuff from other people, men and women, along the lines of "All men want sex, and they don't care about being committed, that's some kind of woman idea." It pisses me off because generalizations like that couldn't be further from the truth, which is what happens when you make almost any blanket statement. I don't care how many guys you've been with or how many guys you know, but we're not all evil walking penises with one thing on our mind (I don't know how to make penis plural...I've never had to before).

I'm a male and I have said it before, and I will say it again "I believe you should treat any woman like you would want your daughter treated", shit same goes for boys and your son. Now if you son/daughter is being a dick, then by all means tear into them. But there are too many good girls out there who give up and settle because they believe the above statement about men.

Prentiss Walker and I, you know him as PJ, had this thing a while ago, where we had the idea to sell all our shit (all our non-videogame/computer shit) and go on tour across the country beating the Hell out of guys who treat girls badly. We called it PJ and Justin: Beat Across America Tour, besides the obvious juvinile masturbation reference, I think this was a good idea. Any guys who want to join us, just bring a bat and some stuff to sell for gas money. We'll do this like Jay and Silent Bob style with "How Many People Want to Kick Some Ass" by Stroke 9 playing the whole time.

Guys, people in general need to learn The world is not perfect, but we should live as if the world is how it should be, to show it how it can be...oh and hitting anything with a bat makes it better.

Female rape victims are themselves to blame.

The words of a muslim leader, blaming the victims for something that they really have no control over in this. What's worse about this is this is not the first time I have heard this said about rape victims and don't think for a second that This is just those muslims. A few years back I was watching television and I remember this Christian Pastor came on, I had seen him around before, but never watched him. He got on the air and talked about how women were to blame for the lack of sexual morals and increase of rape in this country.

He spoke on how by wearing revealing clothes women caused men to sin themselves. Now seriously, how do you get off claiming things like that? I am around women all day. I only see them like every other time I open my eyes outside of this apartment. I think not only are people completely able to control themselves sexually, I don't think that ever seeing a girl dressed a little revelaing made me think that she wanted to be raped.

Some of the words this muslim leader, Sheik Hilali, out Australia said were very much more offensive: "If you take out uncovered meat and place it outside on the street, or in the garden or in the park, or in the backyard without a cover, and the cats come and eat it ... whose fault is it, the cats or the uncovered meat?" First off, I've got news for everyone out there, women aren't meat, they aren't just something that you go to the market and pick up, they are much more important than meat because they are humans and are equal to men. Second off, I don't eat any found meat and I'm not a damn cat.

If comparing women to "uncovered meat" doesn't make you angry enough he later goes on to call women "weapons" used by Satan to control men.

I think that we as men need to actually take charge and speak out for the truth about rape, about how it is wrong in any form from the brutal rapes to date rape. Also I think that this portrayal makes us look bad, it actually makes us look worse than the women because we seem like animals or like we are easily mislead and have no thought process of our own.

Then there is the fact that rapists target women based on a personal preference a lot of the time. Some rapist might want to go after shy girls who are very innocent and wouldn't ever be caught in a short skirt. It's the same as anyone having a preference criminal or otherwise. Some theives will be less likely to go for certain things, because of some preference and so on. You can't blame a specific group, based on just how they dress for a problem that really lies with the individual.

A while back I joined a group on facebook about how I think rapists should be casturated and also one about how I think the death penalty should be sought for them. I pretty much strongly think if you rape or murder anyone, they should put the needle to you. Because that's a crime that can sometimes be worse than murder because right there, that person's suffering ends. I have several friends that have been raped or sexually abused, and let me tell you it never goes away for them. It is constantly in the back of their minds and with good reason. I couldn't even imagine what kind of emotional pain that is to go through. With this note I am tagging everyone I know, mostly because this pissed me off and I think people need to see it.

If you're a woman then you need to speak out, make sure religious leaders and others know that its not your fault if you're sexually abused, its the fault of the perpatrators and no one else. If you're a guy then stop treating women as objects. Basically you need to treat anywoman the way you'd want your daughter treated. And porn, yeah, that objectifies women, esepcially the creepy brutal kind. There are a lot of rapists out there that have mental issues no one can fix, but as a society we can always start by making sure that children and others know all people are people and not property.

Eons

This is going to be short, I pormise. But for all of those out there who have given into the fad that is myspace, myself included, there is a new myspace type website for people over the age of 50. It's called eons.com and I saw a commercial for it on the television. I almost laughed when I heard about it because I kept thinking about all of these old people with emo pictures. Maybe for the first time someone's page could say they were 99 years old and mean it.

Really the possibilities are endless. But really I think it is good to give older people some place to go. Oh well, that's all I have to say about it. Oh and pick up the Pisano tomorrow, I have two pictures in there, one a comic, this one actually serious, written by Tarin and drawn by me. And Tarin has an article on rape that everyone should read.

Stories

I have been writing much more productively lately, which I have to say is a very good thing. I always worry about losing my ability to write because it seems that every time I get a little dry spell in it, it takes longer and longer for me to come back and start up again. Really I think that this time around I can make the story much more interesting just because it seems like the more you learn about life and everything the more you are able to incorperate and make it seem real while making things interesting and fun.

I still need to go back and rework on of the other stories I wrote, the vampire one, its going to need a lot of work and I have to remove some characters, remake some, and change some of the back stories of others. Then I am going to have to add in some more flashbacks because the circumstances of things have changed alot. To anyone who wants to read anything I have written just ask!

Trust

I'm playing Final Fantasy XII right now, and shit, all I have to say is I haven't had so much fun with a game in a long time, I would have to guess that it comes close to when I used to play VII. But the game is pretty heavy with all kinds of real life political things, one of these is betrayal. Really I think that betrayal has become a word that comes up a lot politics. Even more so it appears in many ancient texts and lituerature; Dante says that the lowest layer of Hell is reserved for betrayers and deserters.

Now anyone who has been betrayed can vocalize that what they really feel when it comes down to it is a lack of trust, how can you trust someone who would do something wrong to you in the first place. Trust is earned, even if its easy to earn. People might test trust sometimes, you're talking to a girl at a bar and she asks you to hold her coat...that's a stretch, you're talking to a girl at a bar and she just asks what you want to suggest to drink or eat. Or someone asks your opinion on a book or movie, both parties involved are working on a basis of trust now. Trust is kind of like credit, when you get it with one person you pretty much just earn it with them, sometimes their friends will trust you too. But when you lose trust, everyone can lose trust in you, just like when your credit score gets messed up.

I am not a master of the analogy so I am glad that you bared with me through that. What I am saying is that there are some people I really trust out there, I trust to tell anything to them. I'm pretty easy to earn trust from, which might be my big mistake. I know that a lot of the problems that I have are of my own doing. So when someone ruins their trust with you, what happens to them. Basically you treat them like you normally would be keep them at arms lenght. Don't let them get on the inside of anything, just because of the simple fact you're not able to trust them close.

_{Oh, and I'm level 26, thank God for power leveling.}

You Know How I Know You're Gay?

Your name is Greg Rivas...

Okay, yeah he still deserved that. The other day Greg and I watched 40 year old virgin, okay movie with a good message, but the best damn part of the flick wasn't even shown in its entirity, the part where the two guys are playing Mortal Kombat calling each other gay. I think that was one of the most infamous moments in recent years in film. I loved it. The thing about it is, it reminded me of PJ, John and I in the old days. We used to make jokes about each other's moms and even incorperate them into the game we were playing.

Once John made this trick in Tony Hawk Pro Skater 3 called "Ridin' PJ's Mom", another one that comes to mind is "The jump bigger than John's Penis", it was really small...the jump I didn't see the other thing. But its sometimes fun to just rag on friends, and go back and forth. Right now I have this ongoing thing about Greg and Brandon being women, I love to do it to. I am constantly calling one or both of them women, and for the stupidest stuff, a few weeks back I was at this halloween party and one of the girls there had this tiny can of beer. I had a taste of one and I texted Brandon, "Hey, I'm drinking one of your beers you fucking woman." I later told him what I meant.

The sad part is none of us have any animosity towards gays or women, I'd just as soon call Greg a baby...which really don't even have the effect of calling someone something they can't be and never have been, like calling a guy a woman. Actually I think Greg would make a pretty bad girl, what with the beard and all. He does seem strangely fascinated with cats though...

What You Need...

I would like to say a word about this past week. It really hasn't been the best week, in fact the only good news I got was my new game. Now I really don't know where I am headed anymore, I don't have that compass and I'm afraid that I haven't had it in such a long time. Nothing I wanted to do seems to be working out, and I am afraid that school is something I just can't do much longer. Furthermore, I did something really bad over the weekend. Or thought something really bad. But if you take the Bible literally, thinking it is just as bad as doing it.

I think even that is figurative, but still the fact that I thought this scares me, because more and more these types of things are starting to make sense to me. It's never right to abandon a friend, is it? I had a long talk with Brandon, not the Bronze Man, the other one. We talked about something that I heard a speaker at a church say about giving up on friends that didn't do you any good.

Even though Brandon and I both agreed that this might not be the best course of action, I still thought about just not talking to one of my friends from now on. I told myself it was because I didn't want her to be near me, it hurt too much. But that was a lie, I sat in my car after I left a friends and I thought about it. I thought about how I was really feeling. And I realize I was just tired of seeing my friends hurt and in pain, not just her, all of them. With the exception of a few, I have had to sit there while a friend is torn up over something or other.

I can't describe how it feels to watch someone you really care about hurt themselves over and over, or just get hurt. If any of you remember when I used to like this one girl last year, I won't name her because in all seriousness I don't want her to even know I remember her, but when I used to talk to her, all she could do was hurt herself. Sometimes physcially, other times it would be something like doing things she knew weren't going to go well.

I didn't want to stand by and watch that anymore, I thought back to what got said at that church, and then I remembered something else said in a lot of churches, "turn the other cheek". If someone hurts you, especially unintentionally, then at least give them one more change. I got intentionally hurt by someone last year, and that caused me to get really mad at someone who didn't deserve it. I didn't even give them the benefit of the doubt because I was basing everything on past experince.

Past experience can help in some cases, but not all people are the same and consequently they will not react alike. Instead of throwing it in my face when I went to talk to her, she told me something that I never knew I wanted to hear, but when I heard it I know that was really all I needed. When someone tells you that you made them believe in something again, it can mean a lot.

I can see how things come full circle, I talked about helping others not too long ago, and its hard to see results sometimes, but when anyone you used to know comes up to you and says certain things, it feels good, maybe its not what you wanted to hear, but it might be just what you needed.

Well I better get out of here so I can get some writing done, with that game in there sitting in this close a proximity to the Playstation could cause me to get sucked in again.

_{Greg, you're still dead.}

Hiding

I just feel like something is wrong, I'm not sure what it is, or what triggered it. Right now I'm at home, working on my paper for tomorrow in class and I can't concentrate on it at all. There is just too much going through my head for me to even be able to count it all. What can I really say that won't give too much away? I'm having friendship issues, trying some new things out and just trying to keep a clear head.

But keeping your head clear is really hard when certain things are going on. I took that drive last night to clear my head, it felt so good just to get out and to be able to think about some of the things going on. I didn't figure out of what I needed to, but I think that one way or another, things will all work themselves out.

Today was interesting, I woke up pretty late, mostly because I went to bed late. I went out and sat and wrote for a few hours and it felt really good. Writing helped me do a lot more thinking. Usually when I can't get something off my mind, I can't write, but it was the opposite this time and that's good because I don't need to have writers block right now (or ever).

There's a lot worrying me, even through all of the down time I have had and I can't even put most of it into words. But I don't see and solution for it that doesn't involve wait and see. I have to go finish writing, and sure as I am doing that, I will be thinking the whole time.

Emotional Waystation

I love listening to my friends, hearing their problems and stuff, and sometimes I'll talk about mine. Mostly with certain people, because that's just how things go. I mean you look out for your friends and shit like that, am I right. Well I have a problem with someone takes advantage of this, espeically when its someone who I should have never cared about in the first place.

I'm content to help others, to talk them through things if they need or to just sit and listen...sometimes that is the most important thing. But if you're going to come to me and tell me what the problem is, knowing that its a problem and just hope by the grace of some fantasy god that I will somehow be able to make it seem like whatever it is that you are doing is right and make you feel better, you're wrong. I speak the truth about how I see things for the most part, you have to be really special for me to sugarcoat it. Really special.

So what is this saying to all of you? Well if you're willing to listen to me talk sometimes and offer support, and willing to actually listen to my advice and support instead of just waiting for me to agree that the wrong thing that you did was right, I would love to talk to you. If not, I'm not here to be your emotional waystation.

Not An Action of Inaction

It's bad when your mouth is sown shut by circumstance, when you're not physical barred from speaking, but you know that your words can only do harm. Maybe if you thought that fanning the flames with these words would pass quickly and have little effect in the long run you could do it, you could jump through this and offer up what little hurt comes out of it. Did you ever have something you wanted to say, something that might hurt someone, something that might just hurt someone and do them no good, or it could just hurt a little and be a moment of clarity for them.

You're so afraid to hurt someone that you just jump on th grenade, hoping that it will blow soon but it doesn't. Do you think it noble to hold these things in and let them eat you up inside? I have been thinking about a lot of the things I see going on around me. You know how when someone is bullshitting and you can tell, its almost like you can smell the shit. But you keep your mouth shut, and you don't say anything because it's not your place.

You wonder where along the line did knowing the truth become a liability. I said something to someone last night, in the heat of a conversation and I meant it. I just said it because it needed to be said, so often I sit there and I say things when they absolutely have to be said, but this time, I said something that needed to be said a long time ago. I said it because quite frankly I think that its true and I don't know why its okay to say it in the company of women, but the second your boys are around there is some problem.

If what I said makes it seems like my values have changed, they haven't. They have been the same for quite some time, and you can call me judgemental or old fashioned, but I don't care it's bullshit. They're just the values that I think cause the least harm to others who deserve less harm. Why harm those that have done nothing other than exist.

I really don't have much to say right now, and I can't give away the exact nature of what was said. But you can bet that it's a big step for me to take. All too often we say we are taking action, but all that action really is could be some fancy way of taking inaction. Well this is me taking action.

A Box Of Chocolates

I may not have all of the answers, or even a blog entry for the day, but I do have a new take on an old favorite, take it however you will.

"Life... is like a box of chocolates. A cheap,
thoughtless, perfunctory gift that nobody ever
asks for. Unreturnable, because all you get back
is another box of chocolates. You're stuck with
this undefinable whipped-mint crap that you
mindlessly wolf down when there's nothing else
left to eat. Sure, once in a while, there's a
peanut butter cup, or an English toffee. But
they're gone too fast, the taste is fleeting. So
you end up with nothing but broken bits, filled
with hardened jelly and teeth-crunching nuts, and
if you're desperate enough to eat those, all
you've got left is a... is an empty box... filled
with useless, brown paper wrappers.

There's A Lot More To Say But I'm Too Lazy To Say It.

I'm a little sick right now, which is why I'm doing my normal routine of drinking water and abstaining from using the A/C. For those of you tired of me and my stupid long hair, that I have the need to pull on it seems, I will be getting it cut today. Have you ever been so scared to check your bank account for fear you had overdrawn, well I was, then I checked and it was cool, so I was like, yeah haircut time.

Besides that there's not a lot to say right now, there was a fun birthday celebration last night that saved me from the boredom of Mortal Kombat. There's the fact that so much is flying through my mind right now about so many different things, and then there is the fact that Greg's stupid cat farted on us...in all fairness we were trying to put her in the freezer, but its not ladylike to fart.

Looking Back On Today

So I just finished working on something that has taken me the better part of the last tow hours and I thought to myself, You haven't posted a blog since your little epiphany the other day. I would like to than Rickey and Vanessa for their insight into what I wrote. I have had an uneventful day, I know I have things to do but I don't feel like doing them, I don't feel like doing anything. I know I will have to talk to my teacher tomorrow in class and see if we can work something out. I totally blow at this whole school thing.

Even though I feel a lot better about somethings, I feel a lot worse about my school situation. I don't know what to say. Also I really miss having a roommate, just someone to talk to. I found myslef narrating to myself today about something I was doing, like I had a fucking cooking show or something. It scared me. Luckily I had a phone call from an old friend, someone I really missed at lot. Mandi, it's funny because Heather and I were just talking about going to see her soon, and I really am looking forward to that trip. I love Mandi and I love hanging out with her. She was like my best friend from Freshmen year, and one of the only friends who I met in my first semester who didn't turn on me in someway.

She and I talked about stuff and she just asked what was up and what was going on. Mandi is the person I could always go to just so I could talk about anything. If I felt bad, if I just wanted to talk, anything. I was the same for her, we used to talk for hours and hours sometimes, or sometimes we would just sit and hang out. I remember I was so sad the day she moved away. She was the first person I really cared about to leave for Austin because of the CAP program.

So after that I went to go see Greg, needless to say I almost died three times just driving there, I hyrdoplaned once and my car got pushed off the road by water. It was not a too fun experince. And if you know my car, it ain't small by any means. So when I made it to Greg's I stayed put, watched him play that wretched Mortal Kombat game and just chilled the fuck out. Thank God I'm okay.

Well there is a lot to do later on today, I might talk to Mandi again, I might go hang out with some friends. (I ran into Dante and Jon at the Wal-Mart, they're having a BBQ later) Whatever happens today just know things are better. I'd like to say Happy Birthday to Crystal and Lainey though, their both twenty today, which means one more year until they can both drink...isn't twenty a fun age.

Oh, and twelve more days until Final Fantasy XII.

If Nothing We Do Matters...All That Matters Is What We Do.

It's funny how someone you hardly know can change your prespective on things, just when you thought they had gotten to the worst point that they could. Humans are strange creatures, we strive so much to be so much more than was ever expected of us, at times we just turn out to be bad people, and its really not always our fault, it can start before we are born. Other times we slowly become bad over time, we hear things so often that tell us we're not good enough that you start to think, "maybe, just maybe I should stop trying to be the way I am, its not working." But I think that even if we don't realize it, we're making a difference just by being the way we are.

I think I have said this before, but it stands to be said again, it's a quote from one of my favorite telelvision shows, Angel. The quote goes like this "If nothing that we do matters, all that matters is what we do". I will explain it all quickly, Angel went through half a season just being on the wrong path, fighting for the wrong reasons, and this is the episode where he hit rock bottom and picked himself up. The whole exchange goes like this:

• Angel: Well, I guess I kinda - worked it out. If there is no great glorious end to all this, if - nothing we do matters, - then all that matters is what we do. 'cause that's all there is. What we do, now, today. - I fought for so long. For redemption, for a reward - finally just to beat the other guy, but... I never got it.


• Kate: And now you do?


• Angel: Not all of it. All I wanna do is help. I wanna help because - I don't think people should suffer, as they do. Because, if there is no bigger meaning, then the smallest act of kindness——is the greatest thing in the world.

The smallest act of kindness, that's all you need to know, because that's all that matters really. When you get through everything, you just have to keep going, keep working at getting better and getting there. I'd like to thank Vanessa and Stephanie for talking to me, both of them were a great deal of help. And just to PJ, aka Prentiss, for things somehow making sense all of the time. But really thanks to everyone, because I have learned something from all of you. But I need to go now, I am supposed to be doing other things.

End of the World?

Something is wrong, let me start at the begining. Last week I went to the Quarry with Crystal, there were like three birds on the ground that had smacked into windows. I made a joke about it being the end of the world or a bad omen or something.

This weekend there's an Earthquake in Hawaii, and Houston floods, I don't know about the rest of the world, but something is up. It seems all a little bit too Apocolypse Nowish. Now I know the Bible says no one knows the day or the time, but it just seems...that something is wrong in the world.

PJ says as long as it happens after the PS3 release he's fine, although I bet they have PS3 in Heaven, with the best 1080p televison that all Gods large sums of money can buy, but isn't anyone else scared?

Vanilla Ice

I forgot to tell the story, but anyone who was here in town might know about this already. Vanilla Ice was here preforming, and Heather and I saw him at the Chili's. Heather and I were just hanging out doing what we do best, catching up. And there's this waitress you used to go see at the Chili's would you believe that she remembered us from like almost a year ago? Well not quite a year, but like nine or ten months.

But anyway, we asked our waiter if she was there, and he told us she was, and we knew it, we saw her. Well he had her come over to our table and we talked to her for a while. Well she told us that Vanilla Ice was sitting in her section, we could see him in a black cap if we just went over there.

We actually didn't make the trip over there to see him, but when we were leaving Heather and I peeked around the side of the window by the door and we could see him sitting there. I remember saying outloud, "I wonder what the Hell he drives?" Heather looked at me and laughed lightly, she didn't say anything. And then I went on to say "I bet its some old beat up car..."

I never was a Vanilla Ice fan.

Saturdays

So I just finished catching up on some of my reading, and I felt it neccessary to come in here and write a proper blog entry about what has been going on. For those who don't know, the comic is going well, I am trying to keep it up and try to stay current. For once I actually have ideas. Someone didn't like the last one, I wonder who that could be...Greg...but most people seemed to think it was okay. I really just wanted to test out the waters before I go and try to hit on other subjects. I am trying to pick between three or four diifferent comments that I could draw for this week, and of course there are some I favor more than others, but its hard to pick.

For the most part today has been a bust, I talked with Persephanie some, which was good because I haven't done that in the longest. Of course last night I hung out with Heather, so things are starting to even out. I'm getting to see some of the people that I miss. I just hope I can go into this week with a clear mind and get some real stuff done.

Well I have to get to finding something to do, I'll be around.

Wayside

Have you ever felt like someone was ignoring all of the things you do? Writing over them as if they never happened? Alright, multiply that by thirty.

Release

This is how I feel today, I feel like someone kicked me in the chest, I don't know why. But I came home last night fine. I came home and I just got to the computer, I was talking to PJ and Crystal, then suddenly it felt like someone had drained all of the energy in my body. Mostp eople will just say eat something or get some sleep. I did those things and now my diaphram hurts. Like I can feel it moving slowly. It's painful and I know that ther's some cause. Maybe it was being out last night during the cold weather coming in, maybe it was something else, maybe it was the short sleep I got the other day. Either way the cause doesn't matter. I feel like I got beat up real bad by someone who likes to give only body hits.

So I don't know if I can do this anymore, after this December I don't know if I will be here anymore, namely because I don't think I can make it in college. I am going to keep trying, but I don't know what else I can say. I'm bad with my time management, I'm bad with timing, shit, I am bad with anything to do with time. I'm mentally exhausted, I'm physically exhausted and I never have been much for trying. Trying anything has always rubbed me the wrong way, I can't say that its a good thing about me, I'm stubborn at times. Ask my parents, they can tell you.

Inside, there I are things I know need to be done, need to be said, need to be taken care of like nowish, before this week ends. Why am I so scared to start on doing them all? How the Hell am I stressed out before I even get to the stressful part, how is this happening? On top of all this school stuff going on, I miss my friends at home. Well mostly I miss PJ, John and my brother (my brother and his family really).Shit, I miss some of my friends here, Heather I haven't seen in a month, Persephanie longer than that. They're both so great to have around and just to hang out with, then there is people like Tarin, whom I saw last night, but it was the first time in a long time. Next to that I have the fact that I like a girl, generally like her for who she is. But I just wish I knew more about her, and I don't feel like she's ever going to open up just because of things that have happened in the past.

So to anyone who has ever gotten onto me about male bashing can kiss my ass, and fuck men that pull shit like this. I am tired, fucking sick and tired of every friend I have telling me how some guy this, that and the other thing and tried only to use them and stuff. I am tired of watching guys try to use girls. So you want to know why I fucking hate most guys, this is exactly why.

And people ask why I'm so synical all of the time, its because the only way you can smile in this world half of the time is to make fun of it, there's no other safe guard you have against terrorists, war, sexism, cheating, racism and people just generally being assholes. So I'm going to try something new now, it might not be the best approach for me, but I might just try staying quieter. I'm just going to shut the fuck up for a while, because that seems to be the only thing that makes sense to me. I'm going to try at school, but I can't make guarentees. I'm going to see Heather today, and I'm going to go home when I can and see my friends there. And as for that girl, I'm just going to be nice and let things go where they will, because that's all I can do. This is really the first time I've been in a position like this. oh and more blogs, expect to see more blogs, I am going to start doing more of them, just to keep records of things.

Well right now I need to get up from here, I need to go to the store and get some stuff, I need to drink some water because my whole pain thing is acting up again. I wish I had some pain medicine or something, all I have is these shitty vitamins my mom brought me, those won't make a damn bit of difference I know. But I will be back later today. I might even write something.

Hell Week

Normally I would be wide awake right now, but for some reason I am wiped out, I think that I have been over stressing about all of the work I have due. I pretty much stayed in the Dark Room today for a good three hours, it was rough, you really get tired of being in there because its just so awkward spending that much time in a place that dark. And on top of that I ruined some of my paper because of something, I can't figure out what did it.

I talked to my brother today for a good long time, and I don't even really know what brought it up, he just called and we talked. Don't get me wrong, not the one that I lived with, this is the one that lives in Houston still. While I was on the phone with him my nieces and nephew came home from school and one of them asked how come I never come to see them, it has been so long and I really do miss them, I might have to make a special trip home. I really don't like being home if I don't have to though because its just not the happiest place to be, but I feel I have to go home now.

So tonight before I go to bed I should have some of this report done, and I should have some research for it done so it looks like I actually did something. I am not sure how long the report should be, but I think two and a half pages sounds about right. I just hope that I can do that much on the subject matter, and I hope that I can for once do something right for this class. For some reason this year seems harder than previous ones, I really think I need to work out more time to myself, because it seems like some of the most fun that I have is when I have time to sit and thing, and too often I don't get that. Either that or I hang out with people and for some reason do things I don't want to be doing really.

Well once this week is over, I can rest some and go at a more regular pace, just can't wait until this week is over.

Hope

You can step to the edge of your own little world and look around, from way up here you can see all of the trees, you can look down into the valleys of your life and the peaks of its mountains, somewhere down there is everything you have accomplished, all of your hopes and dreams and everything you have wanted and lost. From up here it will all seem so miniscule. From up here even the biggest span of life will seem like nothing more than a short trip.

I can tell you that looking back at the way things have gone for me I have learned not to get to hopeful about things, I have learned that I shouldn't always expect the best, because people have a tendancy of letting you down. And others that say trust in God or Love or things like that don't realize, that God doesn't mess with free will, and Love depends on two people.

Hope is a strong thing, hope is like the second strongest emotion I would think, its like Agent Mulder on X-Files said, "For a long time when I walked into my room I would close my eyes because when I opened them I expected her to be there, just laying in bed like nothing had happened. Scully, I'm still walking into that room." Of course he was talking about his little sister, the thing is, I think we're all walking into that room. We all have something that we hold onto hope for.

Hope will last as long as the there are Humans, because the Human Heart is the only place that Hope can reside. I'm not the most hopeful person, but I still have hope, I still hold onto something and know that something will happen in my heart. It's hard not to, because without hope I really don't think we're very much Human.

So Damn Unsure

Sometimes we get the liberty of falling asleep to dream or think of things, we may lay there for any amount of time and just think back on several events. Tonight I wasn't given that liberty. I was made to come home and just reflect on everything, only to notice how I feel about so many things. I need to do some serious searching for what it is I want, when it pretains to everything. And sometimes, like right now, what I really want I don't even really want to say, because I am still too scared of what might come out.

Other times, what I really want just seems to far out of reach. So what can I really do about all of this? That's what has been on my mind almost constantly for the longest time now, and I am seeking a way just to survive all of this. I don't know any other way to be. Things are getting harder and harder it seems and it seems the more I look around there are more tests to face. Most of them I tend to see coming or somehow just be prepared for them. But not always and some of them catch me totally off guard.

I'm not sure what do or say now.

New

Sunday thru today, update

I'm up right now because I didn't sleep at all last night, I stayed up, all through the day and didn't get to go to bed until about midnight. When I did finally get to bed I fell out. All and all, I was gone, dead to the world. I would have had nothing but bad to say about this day if it hadn't been for the part of the day that took place after five-thirty.

Let me back up, just for a bit. It's been a while since I really wrote anything in here that was worth reading. Tuesday night, my parents called unexpectedly and wanted to tell me that they were going to be in town, and not only that...they were coming here and wanted to sleep in my bead, which means I have to sleep on the floor. See this is the reason behind me sleeplessness. My floor isn't bad, when you have pillows and blankets, I had a makeshift pillow made out of a towel, not really the same thing.

So I had about an hour and a half of sleep, but really only like forty-five minutes counted. So I ended up staying up all night long, just because I couldn't sleep, my parents left the next morning, but not before there were some more problems with my bank account. We got them squared away, needless to say, and I went home under the guise that I was going to get some sleep, but when I arrived back here, I realized that I couldn't.

So I stayed up, I was supposed to meet up with a friend today at five thirty for dinner and a movie after that. Let me go back and explain that little bit of things. Sunday night I was playing around on facebook, and I came across a random girl and I poked her, she poked me back almost immediately, which I was kind of shocked by because it was pretty early in the morning and I figured I was the only person on facebook doing what ever it was that I was doing.

So I poked her back, and she did it again and one of us sent the other a wall message, there was a few of those back and forth (for those who don't have a facebook, the wall is like a bulletin board where messages are posted by you and other memebers, all members who can see your page can read it, so it lacks privacy, each person has their own, but what it lacks in privacy it makes up for in continuity between friends). So we posted a few of those back and forth, still doing the whole poke thing, and finally she just IMed, which I found odd because I was just about ask premission to do the same to her.

Well she and I got along pretty well and the next day I invited her to Luby's with me and Greg...you don't understand Greg and I fucking love Luby's. I have never really met anyone off facebook like that intentionally. Like I may friend someone and randomly run into them later, but that's different. Usually I'm just not this bold.

So last night she and I went to go see Last Kiss, with Zach Braff from Scrubs and Garden State. I pretty much only wanted to see it because I saw the trailer on Myspace.com and Zach Braff is bad ass. I won't go into details, but I will say that its pretty good and I actually enjoyed it. Before we went to see the movie, I actually cooked too, and it turned out very good. We went and had icecream (that was random).

What stood about most about all of this is the fact that here is someone I can talk to well. Someone who seems to know what the Hell I am talking about, I don't get that much. Its not an intellgent thing, its like someone who thinks you mean what you mean, you know. Well I need to get more napping in.

I hung out with Greg, some after all of that, but I got super tired suddenly and almost didn't make it home. I had been up too long like I knew I had. It appears I suck at this whole thing now days, before I could stay up three days straight and function.

Seventeen

Did anyone else know that there have been 17 school shootings this past year already? Does anyone else feel cheated to find this out. I don't watch the news but the internet should at least tell me all of this, and then two of them happened at the same time on the same day...what the hell is going on?

Eh, I will be writing here more later, but for now that is all.