Pretending Gets You Nowhere.

I'm done trying to pretend that everything is okay and I'm just fine. I know its not true.

It's nice to know that when I trust someone, when I need someone to be there. I can't even count on my own parents. It's a really good incentive to make it big in the world. Just so you can have a better life, and get let down by all the right people? I look around and everyone is at such a distance.

The one other person I counted on to be there to talk to me won't now, and without reason that I know of. The people that I live around, the people here don't really care. I can't get advice from anyone here, I don't even want to trust anyone. I'm through with it. I've seen how it feels to do it, you just end up disappointed in the end. You end up deader on the inside for it. You end up like me, wishing you weren't here.

I told my parents what was going on with me, I thought they would try and understand when I don't feel like talking, or when I just want someone to talk to even. So when they called today and I tried to discuss it with them and told them I was feeling bad they tell me its bullshit and the only problem I'm having is me wanting something to blame my bad grades on. All they care about are grades and I'm sick of it. When I come home with anything its always, why isn't this better. So yeah, when I was make A's and they were the mid 90s number wise, hearing this is not good enough really made me happy.

No wonder I take the attitude that I might as well not try if when I do it's not good enough. I'm not good enough. I get tired of never being good enough for anyone else. I get tired of just seeming like everything I do goes unnoticed or gets passed by. I bust my ass for someone only to have them ignore me, or call me a liar, or tell me what I'm feeling is bullshit. How dare anyone do that to another person. Even if I think I'm crap, I'm still human. And I deserve to at least be told whats going or heard out once.

I'm not saying anything outlandish here or anything that requires a person to come shelter me and take care of me, I can't be the only person who feels ignored, I know others must know how it feels. So then why do people continue to do it to other people. Why when my parents call do they never ask how I am or how was my day. When I ask them they say nothing and go on about how I'm a failure and all this other shit.

Everyone tries to reason with me about the idea of unconditional love, I don't believe in that anymore. I don't believe anyone can ever have that. I doubt anyone I know will say they experinced it. And I can say why, when someone tries to give it, they usually get it rammed down their throat. And when anyone thinks they feel it usually the other person is just bullshitting them. I wonder if the things I've thought for so long were all you really needed in life even exist.

I've tried to be nice, to be helpful and to be there for people and everytime it gets me fucked over and hurt. Having problems trusting others isn't a problem. It's the only way to assure your sanity. Right now I think that's the one thing I can be sure of.

Thank you so much Twinks and Megan for trying to help, but I can't help myself anymore. I'm done fighting to get somewhere when it seems in the end none of it matters and I end up right where I started. I was better off last December when I didn't know or have to deal with many people. When I was alone more often than not. Now I don't want to be lonely and I can't help but feel like I am. I can't teach myself to like myself and maybe Twinks is right, I don't need anyone right now. But I'd like someone, they'd just have to be a little understanding. But I'm not even telling people around me what's going on. No one knows this. So its not like it gets pushed off on them.

Everything I thought I had is gone, I'm even starting to think I'm not healthy. What's the point anymore? None of this is going anywhere.