That Trains Never Late...

Last night reconfirmed why I didn't go right away and tell my parents what I thought was going on. Instead of them asking what they could do to help, they start arguing about who's fault it is. Of course my mom was the one who started it. She can't stand to see people talking things out in a logical fashion.

I realized last night that my mom never tells anyone that she's sorry for what she's done. As opposed to me who says it all of the time and needs to stop. She can't even admit that there might be reason to apologize. My dad pointed it out to her last night and she said she wasn't going to say it.

Then my mom went on to talk about how she knew something was wrong with me all along, I'm not normal. Okay yeah, I know I'm not normal...what ever the fuck that means. But if she's talking about how I would come in high school, go to my room and play on the net or go to PJ's its because I was tried of catching shit every time I stuck my head out of my room.

Maybe I resented you because you sent me to a high school that I didn't want to go to that was 20 miles further from the house than the one I was zoned to. And then when I couldn't make friends there you blamed me for not going to hang out with more people. Bitch, I didn't have that kind of gas even when I wanted to hang out with people. Then I finally make some friends and you get all pissy because they weren't black like you wanted them to be?

This might be why I blame myself for so much of the shit I see around me. Any time I could even have anything to do with someone being upset I freak out and think its my fault. Regardless of whether or not it is.

I used to be all worried about getting your apporval for things, and then later on down the line I saw it didn't really matter. You would just take the good I did and twist it. Like at school I got along better with girls than guys, I hung out with them more. So you figured I must have been sleeping with them. I never even tried to sleep with one my friends from high school! You just figured that He's so horrible the only way he could make friends is by fucking them?

Thanks for believing in me.

I admit, dad never really did say that I did anything really good, but you never said I did a single thing good. You overlook any good I do and concentrate on the smallest bad thing you can find with it. And not in that try to better next time way but in a Look how bad you fucked up way.

So after a few minutes of them arguing and my mom saying how everyone but her needed counseling in the family, I started playing with the puppy then I just got up and walked out. I didn't feel like listening to her shit.

I talked to my brother Jeff on the phone for a while, he was the only person I cared to talk to that I hadn't in a while. People from the college keep calling, I don't feel like talking now. Unless Allison calls I'm not picking up the damn phone.

She's the only one at the school who knows whats going on with me and if she calls and I don't pick up she might get worried. Plus she might need someone to talk to. Everyone keeps asking if I'm okay. Not really, no. Because I realize now that I know what I need to do, theres no excuse not to do it. But its going to be hard.

There's not very much I want out of life, but I feel like all of them are things I really would have to fight for. One of them feels too far away, too unattainable. Another feels like it will be a long time before I can get it, which is for the best anyway because I'm not ready for it. And still another will have to wait till after school because I need school to do good at it.

There's still a lot to sort out. But I need to go, grass to mow.