Lately I've begun to question some things about myself and just call up some old issues I have with me in general. I wonder if there's some kind of circumstance involved or if its just me that's not trying there. I can tell that I'm not who I want to be, I'm not even doing what I want to do, and I have no way to help it.
I came to San Antonio this summer to get a job, go to school and just be out of the house, I only appeared to have done one of those things right. And that was the last one, which technically only involved existing.
Why do I feel like I need to hide things from the people around me, I find myself not being able to tell them things I usually would. Even the people I tell everything, I am finding it harder and harder to talk to. I know depressions not easy to get rid of, and I know it can last a long, long ass time, but do I have to tell everyone around me what's going on. More importantly do I have to tell my parents?
I don't want to because I know what at least one of them will say. I know that my dad will just say I'm full of shit and write me off as lying. It's what he does when I say anything he's unwilling to accept or when he just thinks whatever I am saying is too convenient to be true. Yeah, and I know how convenient feeling like you'd rather not exist is.
People always say when you lie that it makes people not believe you, What about when people have been calling you liar all of your life?
It makes you just want to lie, it makes you just want to prove them all right because what does it matter, you're nothing but a liar to them anyway.
It seems that for all of the truth I tell it never is enough to keep me from being called liar, and for all of the trust I place in others, I never seem to be able to get any in return. I bottle all of this up, I just hold onto it and it pisses me off to the point that I want to fucking scream at someone. I'm tired of being Mister—Fucking—Nice—Guy because they don't give a rat's ass. All it gets is that shit thrown back in your face.
I sat on the phone tonight and I couldn't even talk about how I really felt, because I figured it wasn't important, and it really isn't because it makes no real difference to anyone but me. I'm pissed off because my dad calls me, not to see how I am and talk, but only to bitch. He never just calls and says how are you. And before one damn person mentions how I probably never call to do the same
, when I did I still got the same shit that was just him complaining.
I hate this city more and more with each passing day, its unsophisticated, its just ass-backwards. I used to think it was cool and cultured, not its just like being in Mexico Junior, there's nothing original about this place. It's just here.
I hate how I am so frightened to hurt someone, I hate how it makes me seem weak, and I especially hate how the second statement of this paragraph is true. This week has been hard, its been terrible in that way. The only thing good I can say about it is something I never saw coming: quality time with my step-mom and hanging out with CJ some.
Besides that I feel like more and more of the things around me are falling apart. When I can't tell Kay what the matter is I know I'm fucked up. What's worse is I felt like I wanted to cry, don't know why, but instead of telling her I needed to go because I wasn't feeling good, or that I wanted to talk about it, I just pretended I was okay.
I don't deserve to hurt like this, no one deserves it. It's like there's a deep pain in my chest. Like something missing and I'm almost reminded of what I said in Faulty Souls. It seems more and more like we're manufactured with a defect. I think it would be better not existing at all rather than trying to figure out what's wrong with me and being so lonely in the mean time.
I need sleep now, I'm not even fully able to function here.
7 comments:
Justin, let me be honest with you everything will be okay. I am saddened that you are having a crisis of faith in your ability and your future. When I was in college I had a couple of dear friends who crashed and burned and I had no idea that they were in so much pain. The ones that love you want to help you, give them that chance. I don't know if this is an option for you but taking a break from school might help. I took a break that lasted 5 years and even though I was much older when I returned to college I was much wiser. Plus, I am proud that you are English major. The best professors I have ever had were in my English classes. I even changed my Biology minor to English. They are interesting people that are full of great ideas that make you think. Seriously, don't do anything stupid, see the psych counselor at the University, the first meeting is free and it's so worth it, to save your sanity.
Sweety, don't bottle it up, because at one point you're gonna explode and you will hurt the people that don't deserve it. The people that are the nicest to you, but just because you don't trust people that are genuinely nice to you, because other people aren't. It's going to kill you, you should do what you feel like doing, cry if you want to cry, scream if you want to scream. And most important of all, you should be honest to the people that hurt you. Tell them it hurts like hell, cause if they don't know it's killing you they won't be able to change there behavior. People can't read minds, you have to tell them how you feel.
justin, PLEASE listen to me. babe, i know what you are going through in so many ways. ive been there, ive lived it. that feeling that just consumes every part of you, the empty, lonely, pain of being so far gone you dont think you can get up anymore. it is the worst feeling you can feel and you wouldnt wish it upon your worst enemy. i know you feel lost in that pain right now, you cant tell up from down. but you NEED to talk to someone. ANYONE. talking to a professional would be the best, but you are surrounded by people who love you, and they will listen to you. but you have to talk about it. you have to get it out of you. otherwise it will consume you and thats when you start making stupid mistakes. PLEASE dont let it get there. i have the scars to prove that it is no place you ever want to go. you do so much for other people, you are the "nice guy" and thats what i love about you. look how much you have put yourself out there for people like rickey and ruth, jamie, all your friends, me. and its OK to be selfish. you need to help yourself now. that means getting the help you need from people who know what they are doing. and if that is too scary, i hope you know you can ALWAYS talk to me. reading that you couldnt talk to me last night broke my heart, even though i was so tired, i would have listened, I PROMISE.
just promise me justin that you will go and talk to someone. i know talking about it reminds you of the hurt, but its the only way to get through it. and once you do that, you can be you again. no more terrible, consuming pain.
I LOVE YOU, we all do, and dont forget it. you are going to get through it, its going to be ok.
Remember to Breathe, and everything will be okay.
Thank you all of you, I still feel really bad and I know I should tell my mom, but I don't know how. I don't know how to just bring that sort of thing up. I've never had an easy time talking with her and I think the only reason she might listen is because she is a Neurologist. She works with this kind of thing.
Maybe she's noticed or something. I don't know. But I feel like this is one of those things I couldn't say, I can't bring myself to say. I mean if I couldn't talk to someone I talk to everything about then the person I never talk with about anything should be even harder.
My dad called just a while ago to ask about the grades again, they aren't here yet and I didn't even pick up the phone, I don't give a flying fuck about them right now. I feel sick, like I'm broken or something is wrong with me. The only thing I can do is just keep up appearences, prentend I'm alright. I guess it reassures me that no one else knows, because I'm not as trusting as that.
I know there are people that I know that would try to exploit my current state of mind for whatever reason. That's part of why I keep it bottled up. And I know I shouldn't, I know I should talk to someone, and I had a perfect chance to do so last night. But I thought that hearing you're voice would just be enough K, it usually is. Usually I would have felt so much better. But I couldn't help feeling like I was messing something up or doing the wrong thing.
Megan, life just seems to be a rough adjustment, I can't get used to this. The way things are. I'm craving a big change. And I'm trying to do something, but my efforts seem pointless. I'm stuck here for a while longer, figurtively and realistically.
Yara, I generally trust very few people in one way or another. I may trust some enough to be friends, but I would never share some things with them. I have very few friends I can tell anything. None here really. I just think I have like two of those in all. It gets too awkward you know.
Autumn, for me communication always seems frustrating. The world and life just seem frustrating. When I think back on my life I see nothing really, nothing monumental, nothing even worth mentioning. I guess that's just how things work out. We can't all be expected to be gods among men or whatever. But its not the past that bothers me as much as it is that lately I've had the drive to do nothing! I have such a hard time telling what's going on.
Angelique, thank you for the advice. I guess this is an odd way to meet someone. But it is becoming more and more surprising how many people feel this way. And its even odder that back when someone was worried about me here and thought I felt this way, I didn't. And now that they think I'm fine, I'm not. I don't really care. I don't want them worrying about me because it won't do me any good since they can't be counted on. But thank you for the advice. It doesn't really make me feel better. But it helps me know what not to do.
Twinks, you've been around here for the longest, thank you for the add and all. It feels strange to have to tell anyone about all of this. This has to be the longest comment in history. But I assure you that I'm better off having heard it all. I was afraid at first that people would think I just wanted attention. But its the last thing I want. I don't walk around all moppy and shit. On the contrary. I try to pretend things are good. And like I said to Angelique, to know other's have been through the same is good.
Kay, I feel bad that I broke your heart by saying that. And it makes me feel worse that I couldn't tell you anythng and I had to just hold it inside. I felt like my saying something was just wrong at the time and I think part of me hoped you would ask or beat it out of me if need be. I mean normally I wouldn't have left the dorm just to have a conversation with you. I would have done it with people right in the room with me. I'll try to talk to you from now, I will let you help, but only if you promise to let me help you some too. I know everything's not going alright for you all of the time. And you know more than anyone I hate taking anything, especially without giving anyhting back in return.
Well I have to go do other things, this comment is taking it out of me. I'll write more tonight.
Well, someone was DEFINATELY thinking hard and long about life. I hate when I get into stuff like that with myself. But don't worry so much, I mean your what?? 19? You still have sooo much you can do with your life and sooo many more people to meet. Believe me, I know that im younger then you but still, I mean everyone goes through that stupid Depressed stuff. It sucks. I had a rough TWO YEARS with it. It was horrible but lets not get into that haha.... I hope you get it figured out. You're a really great guy and i enjoy talking to you. You deserve to know what you want and stuff.
Justin I've always thought you were the sweetest guy, a fantastic, generous, kind person and you've done so much for me and all your friends. I don't want you to be sad, especially when I'm so ecstatically happy right now. I'm always there to listen, you know that. You know you can call me and I'll listen. And talk.
Please don't ever lose faith because you're an amazing person who I'd miss if you weren't around.
Justin I've always thought you were the sweetest guy, a fantastic, generous, kind person and you've done so much for me and all your friends. I don't want you to be sad, especially when I'm so ecstatically happy right now. I'm always there to listen, you know that. You know you can call me and I'll listen. And talk.
Please don't ever lose faith because you're an amazing person who I'd miss if you weren't around.
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