Moving Along

Confused and drained. I spent the day with Allison and some of it with Brandon. I had seen her last Friday, it was the first time we'd hung out in eight months. I forgot how much I liked her. I mean talking on the net and phone is one thing. But in person she's like the best friend I never had. I have no idea what she thinks of me, or what's going on in her head. I mean of course I don't, but I guess I would like to know better what she thinks of me. All I really know is I missed her.

Right now I'm nervous, nervous about going to counseling tomorrow. I wish I just had someone to hug me and tell me that everything would be okay. My parents have been calling me wanting to talk to me today. Not to be rude or anything, but they only seem to want to blame someone besides themselves respectively. They don't give a damn what's really going on, I was surprised that they listen to me when I first suggested it.

My mom was the one who acted the most adversely to the thing, but my dad didn't act like I would have wanted either. They keep asking me the same stupid damn questions: What caused it, why didn't you call us, how long has it been going on? Get it through your fucking head, I don't know. I just want space from you, that's it. If I want something else I would ask for it. Right now I don't even want most of my friends knowing.

Right now I pretty much stay bolted up in my room, and frankly I don't see any reason to change things. I mean if Allison or someone like that calls or Rickey comes and wants to go somewhere. I'll get up and go. But as far as being all out in the open calling attention to myself, I just don't think that's me. I never have liked attention. Right now I'd like to have someone I could just hang out with in my room, not do stuff with. Just someone to talk to privately. I'm already tired of these group discussions. Everyone feels the need to be funny and chime in with jokes right and left. Not everyone wants to hear funny. Some of us just want to have a discussion.

I think part of it might also be I'm striving to have someone to be close to, I really want someone I can talk to and hang out with around here on a pretty regular basis, like at least three times a week or something. Well not feeling very well tonight. I'm going to have to get up early so I'll be going to bed soon. Kay if you read this I really miss talking to you, I just have to say it out right because I don't know another way. And Megan I have some stuff to talk to you about for Claudia that I just found out from this book.

I have clothes to go get. I have to go.