Not In A Million Years

I spent most of the last few hours talking on the phone with Kay tonight, and Spike got on three way with us and we all talked.

Kay seemed a little nervous after Spike got on the phone she seemed to stop talking a little bit. I hope I didn't make her nervous. But I hope that this will make her feel better.

If she comes down here, I hope to take her to this:

This last one is my favorite, I love the way the water looks.

That's the fountain under The Tower of the Americas, anyone would love it there, if any of you ever come here, go see it...when its not hot out.

As for what happened today, I'm not sure what to think about the conversation on the phone tonight, I don't know whether to think Kay was uncomfortable because Spike was there, or if it was because I had said something wrong. I guess all of this comes from me thinking that everytime I have a good thing going with me that I mess it up.

It's hard for me to get my mind off of that mentality espeically after what happened to me with the whole situation with Rei. I don't know how to read or understand her because I've never had to deal with a girl actually liking me for me.

I told Spike that I went down a list of things in my mind that someone who wanted to use you could want, it was the first thing I do when someone starts to do anything that be considered as them trying to abuse you. I'm not as trusting as I used to be years of heart ache do that to a person, it's just kind of an after effect. I think that this has kind of taken me off my gaurd, because by all rights there is not any reason for a girl like her to like a guy like me.

I thought it out, What could she want from me?, the first thing I said was the most obvious, its not looks, it has nothing to do with looks.The next thing you obviously come to is, what about money, nope because her family has that. To make this process shorter, I don't have anything that anyone would ever look for besides maybe the fact I am nice. And that's debatable. I'm not good in bed, never even had sex, I'm not really all that smart, not compare to Kay, I've got nothing for her to see in me and yet she sees something that I don't know what it is.

It makes me almost believe something is there, believe in me, because while I have self worth, I don't see much in me that makes me worthy of a woman with the caliber of Kay, a real adult. It's funny too because now Spike really wants to meet her based on the conversation with her tonight, he mentioned how she seems smart and how she seems to know herself really well, she knows herself better than most people will ever know themselves.

She is the second girl that Spike and I have both said is really worth the time to get and know; the first being Marisa. But in my mind I have to still wonder, what it is she wants, because from what I can tell about myself not in a million years would a girl like her like me for me.