Vienna

My body is weary, weary enough for me to make mention of it. But my heart, my heart is in shreds. Mostly because I can't seem to let go of someone that I can't have. Someone who has been good to me but someone who is so far from me in every since of the word that its best I leave her to her own happiness and pursue other goals. I want to be a great writer. I want to have a family.

I don't want to be the guy who spends his life chasing the one that got away. Of course then there is the mentality that says never to give up. What do I say to that? Do I give up on something prematurely and just let this be me raising that white flag from the top of my ship. I've done nothing but pine over this, I've thought and schemed. Plans that took me in every direction and that even made me think that it might be possible.

Or maybe this is the hard part of Love, the part where you Love someone so much you let them do what makes them happy and stand by them, but never in their way. There must be a fine fucking line between standing in their way and being the right one for someone. There's always the possibility. I don't believe in destiny, but I do believe that things happen for a reason. Maybe they don't have to happen, but they do for a reason, if that line of reason makes sense. Maybe it only does to me.

But to you out there, you might know who you are...you might not. But I have to wish you luck in being happy. If someone else is who makes you happy...then my Love for you dictates that I have to let you be happy. It's the only right thing to do. It might hurt a while, but seeing you smile is worth that much. I mean that's what Love is about, right?

Circus Seal

Kind of pissed, I had this long thing written about my job and about how I like it except for a few things. It went on to say that I was kind of weirded out by how guys think that its a bonding ritual to talk about how bad they want to have sex with girls they see. But whatever, it doesn't matter.

I'm miserable and its not due to work or anything to do with the people there. For the most part I plan to keep them kind of separate from most of my other stuff in life. But it doesn't really make much of a difference. Right now I feel like people that I cared a lot about don't care about me, if they ever did they don't anymore. They pretend to it seems...maybe to help me keep things together but I really think that deep down inside I have known for a long time. Why must we deny things that are so obviously true?

Why do I want to hold on to something it seems I never had. I wonder how many times I can bite my tongue and keep from saying, "I told you so." I've bitten it till it bleeds it seems now and at this point if I wanted to talk I don't think I'd be able to. I confirmed that I'm pretty sure these people are using me...why do I keep jumping through hoops to let them do so?

Oh great...facebook is wigging out now...just great

Janus

Looks like by not writing anything here for so long I've kept too many things bottled up and I don't even know where to begin. I can say that my old job is gone away. It's a thing of the past and I don't even need to think about it anymore. No one I talk to works there, nothing I care about is there and its better that I lost it and found a good job with the kind of things that will allow me to make more over time.

For me, Thanksgiving has always been one of those times of the year when I was dreading what was coming. Its like the worse part of the year for me and I am so glad that its gone now. The worse is behind me I guess. But more over I feel like some of my friends are slipping away, I mean I'll always have Prentiss and friends like that, they've been there too long and its like having more family. But other friends seem so distant and reluctant to want to talk.

Its like I wonder if I did something wrong or didn't do something. Or if I did something wrong by fighting so hard just to keep friends. That having been said the Holidays feel especially lonely this year. Its not getting any better and when I think that I am going to be able to just overlook that I might actually do it for a short time. But I'm not fine with things as I would like to think I am. And I hate it more than anything else when ever people act like I should be happy just because of ______.

Whatever blank that might be some people seem to think everyone has it better than them, and while some might have it better than others. It's not the case with everyone being over you. And while I really try to make the best of things and keep the things out that are said around me, there's like this constant power struggle inside of me between being who I've been for years and the jerk that I see a lot of other people become when they get discouraged.

When ever I look at the options the jerk seems more and more beneficial and I don't know what part of me holds me back, but it just does. More and more I've started to bite back at people instead of just getting walked on all of the time. But it seems that the options are be the way I am and get walked on more or be the way I've been trying not to be but keep people from walking on you.

People seem trained to use others, and when they do it they don't even seem to notice it. Maybe they don't want to, they might think that it was part of that other person's duty to help them get out of whatever rut they were in. Like some character in a book or movie that's only there to serve the purpose of furthering the plot. That's how I feel, like I'm just used to help someone get back on their feet before they run off and go do what they really wanted. Friends that I've had, girls that I've liked, they've treated me like this. And from time to time they'll come back but its only for the same reason.

In my mind I want to be mad, but I'm not sure what should make me madder, the part where they do it again or the part where I let them. In the end it just ends up being pathetic.

Self Fulfilling

I'm really just coming out of the deep sleep that was induced by the nineteen hour work day I pulled yesterday. I really love my new job, the people are bad ass. The company is a great company, but nearly twenty hours of work is well...nearly twenty hours of work. Any job could make this hard. Now its pouring rain out, so cold that the wind seems to bite at you right through the walls. This is the kind of weather I pray for and on a day like this I want nothing more than to curl up with my laptop and write the day away.

But right now, right now I know that things for me haven't gotten better. Does anyone else know how it feels to think that everyone is lying to you? To feel like your own friends don't want you around, ever? Its the kind of feeling that hollows you out from the inside. And at this time last year things were actually going alright, one of the few times around then that they were. I almost miss how things were going.

At least back then, I had this illusion in my head, or maybe it was delusion, that things would pick up. I believe in people so much more. I thought to much more of everyone and I knew that in the end me being nice to someone was all it took, they'd eventually come around. I'm so certain now that I'm wrong about all of that, but I want that delusion back.

There really are some cases where ignorance is bliss and you wonder why anyone would give it up for the truth. I think this is one of those. All it takes is one person to come along and plant an idea in your head, like Iago did Othello and you're fucked. You've got it in their bouncing around and the more you start to entertain it, its like the more it becomes self fulfilling. But I guess I can't hope to get that back. I can't unlearn what I learned and I most definitely can't ignore it. No matter how much I wish I could.

Angel

I had manage to get my arm down into the wall as deep as the shoulder but I still couldn’t reach the artifact. My cheek was pushed flush against the wall. I was breathing heavily from exhaustion and dripping with sweat. Something I did coming in must have knocked the security system offline or something. I really wasn’t an electrical expert or anything like that.

With a sigh I reached up and brushed the locks of hair away from my eye, I tried again to push my arm further. Forcing my shoulder deeper into the hole, but I really couldn’t move any further.

I cursed under my breath, “Dammit.”

I tried again at the wall, this time looking around at the room to make sure that no one was coming. I had been here longer than I’d expected and the longer I stayed the more I risked exposure. Of course, when you’re thief you don’t expect to come such a long way through high tech security systems only to get stopped up because a safe just happens to be further back in the wall than your arm can go.

Overhead there was a loud clanging, thinking that someone might be coming I retracted my arm from the hole just a bit. But as the air conditioning came to life in the ceiling I realized what I had heard and continued at what I was doing.

The room I was in was at the center of a large office building. The middle room of the middle floor of a sixty story building. Normally being thirty stories off of the ground would make the escape that much harder for the thief, but not for me. The room itself was pretty vacant. The walls were a stainless steel metal, as were the floors and ceiling. The room seemed to be as sterile as an operating room.

In the middle of the whole thing were three long metal tables, but nothing was on them. Besides the safe, I really couldn’t be sure what this room was for. One good thing was the fact that there was only one way in and one way out and if someone were going to come in to get me, they’d have to do it through that door.

I yanked my arm free of the hole and turned back to the table that was at my back, my gun was right there laying flat on the table. With a dull smirk I whipped my gun up into my hand, “I really should have some tools for this kind of thing…”

Now with my gun in hand, I stuck my arm back into the safe, trying to see if I could use the gun to pull the object closer to me. I let out a few short grunts, moving and pushing my shoulder harder into the wall.

I huffed, “Oh come on…”

Suddenly something slammed into the door of the room, “Who’s that in there?”

“Shit,” I glanced around for somewhere to hide. In a room like this there was no where.

I clenched my gun tight, “Alright, I guess there’s only one way to do this.” With my gun in hand, I yanked my arm free of the hole and stepped out away from the wall. There came a second slam at the door, this one louder than the first.

My hand went out towards the hole and I concentrated really hard, I bit down lightly on my lip and closed my jade eyes tight. I could feel my mind wrapping around the object. I could feel its shape in my head. I knew to do this too long or too hard could be damaging. Cautiously I pushed on, I could feel my grasp tighten around the object now, its rough surface texture was now so apparent in my mind.

And then I ripped it free of the hole where it was bound, the object flipped from the safe and back into my hand. I grasped it for real now. I hated to have to depend on these “abilities” that I had. I saw them more of a hindrance…a reminder of my former self than anything else.

“We’re coming in,” the man at the door was muffled by the thick steel, but I could hear his voice clear enough.

I glanced down at the artifact, it was about the size of my hand and rough. Just by looking at it I could tell I would have no idea what the damn thing was, and I didn’t care as long as I got my money. I slipped the thing into my pocket.

The door to the room flew open and in an instant I dropped to one knee with my Beretta outstretched. I fired the first shot into the forehead of the first face through the door. His head snapped back with the force of the bullet and his blood sprayed out behind him. The second two bullets were into the chest of the guy right behind him. They fell almost at the same time.

I didn’t have time to get my next bullet off before the third man fired back at me. I dove over to the side landing with my chest down and then scrambled up for cover behind the table. I kept low and as I turned around the side of the table, I could hear him making his way around the other side of the table.

Instinctively I stood and jumped over the table catching him on the side and knocking him off balance. He fell back against the table in the middle of the room with a thunderous thud. I grabbed him by the side of the head and with a pop of electricity from my fingers I saw his eyes go bloodshot. It didn’t take that much heat to boil someone’s blood inside of their body.

This electric touch, another one of my little “gifts”.

Quickly I got against the wall next to the door and checked down the hallway, no one was coming from what I could see and they probably hadn’t expected to need more than one security officer for anything that happened.

If all had gone well I planned on making my way out of the building through the front. But with the way that things were looking now I had better play it safe. “Well this is where you excel, right Angel?” I muttered to myself?

The lingering smell of gunpowder in the air was still fresh. The room was calm again and the only sound was me breathing and the quiet hum of the A/C unit above. I moved back out into the hallway with my gun pressed tightly down into my lap. The security lights that ran over night in the building painted the hall a pale blue color, the color that full moon casts down on things.

I navigated the curves of the hallways trying to make sure that I went to the right side, there was no need to rush right out into the middle of the street, even if it was late at night. I needed to find a more secluded place to make my escape.

When I turned the next corner I could see at the end of the hall that the room opened up. This room too was bathed in the same bluish light and luckily for me there was a large plate glass window facing out to a street.

I sighed, “Thank…yeah…” I made my way over to the window, running between rows of cubicles that had just hours ago had workers in them. The smell of fresh printer toner was still lingering in the air.

I hit the window with my hands and glanced down at the ground from my perch. Of course it was a long way down. Humanly impossible for me to make the jump without some sort of aid…at least that would have been the case if I was a Human.

With my fist drawn back as far as it would go I punched into the glass shattering a huge section of it. The cascade of glass rained down onto the street below and clattered around my feet too.

I started back by the cubicles, building up a running star and dashing towards the shattered window. They stormed into the room as I dove free off the window. The air ripped past me, I hadn’t planned this well. I really hadn’t planned this part at all. I felt the air through my hair, strands of blonde whipped at my face.

No part of my outfit could be used for creating drag and I wouldn’t die, not even from this fall. But if I couldn’t get myself turned right side up it would hurt…like Hell.

From somewhere above, over the howl of the cold wind I could hear their desperate gunshots. I tucked my body into a ball and tried to roll so that my feet were down. I didn’t want to give myself away. It seemed like I might have to.

Time seemed elongated. As I neared the ground I decided to use that gift of mine again. I let a magnetic field erupt around me. There was a parked car right where I would land. I could only pray no one was inside.

With a thud I slammed into the top of the car, the alarm blared and the roof was compacted down into the cab. Glass exploded out around the car and the screech of the car’s anti theft device seemed to grow weaker.

My boots slid slightly and I went ahead and jumped off the top of the car. I checked my pouch I wore for the artifact. “Pay dirt.”

I gave a quick glance around to see if anyone was there to notice me. The coast was clear. I darted off down a dark alley and made my way back to my car, I’d parked it a few blocks off for safety reasons.

As I go I speak to myself, “Angel, you’ve done it again.”

Faulty

I listened to his voice, he was a man who sounded to be in his mid thirties but looked at least ten years older. His eyes encased in dark circles and he leaned forward over the table with a cigarette clenched between his index and middle fingers. His voice rasped a little as he rocked toward the table some, “Back then I didn’t know anything but drugs,” he continued telling his tale to the woman who sat across the table from him., “I lived for the drugs and used drugs to feel alive.”

My fingers went around the top of my cup, the smell of the sweet coffee wafting out filled my nose and I sighed. I glanced down in the cup and I could make out my own reflection. My dark curls bunched up around my head, in the surface of the liquid my eyes appeared to be little more than dark holes.

I take my final sip from the glass and glance over at the man sitting in the corner booth, his back is to a window. He’s sat back some now. The waitress hovering over me with my ticket in hand grabs my attention, “Would you like this now, sweetheart?”

I nod to her, “Sat it down,” my arm goes down to the ash tray and I retrieve my cigarette. With a long slow drag I flare the ember on the business end and then flick the remains down in my coffee.

“I know what you mean,” the woman across from the table with the man was talking now, “I’ve been clean and sober six months and it still feels…it’s still like something is missing.”

Just lifting the glass slightly, I slid my ticket and my money under the still half full mug and get to my feet.

“Then maybe there is,” the man answered her as he took a drag on his own cigarette. “Who are they to tell us that we’re not right…its not our fault that we were manufactured with these…Faulty Souls…that some God saw fit to make it where we need someone else to feel right…we can’t all find someone else, its not just that easy. And when no one is there, we need something to hold us over.”

I smiled slightly, “I thought so,” I mutter under my breath.

“I don’t know…” the woman said.

“Maybe drugs are the answer,” he said now, “Maybe all that shit they’re pumping into our heads down there only works for some of the people out there, what about people like us…”

My fingers fumbled down the buttons of my coat, they were large metal buttons and I had always had a hard time getting out of them, when I reached the last one I dug into my coat, “People like you, you say?” Both of them looked up at me.

“Lady, do you know how rude that is?” asked the man.

“Where are my manners,” I said, “I might care if you actually were a person…”

“What’s that…”

“Demonic scum,” my fingers curled around something cold and metallic. The look of shock on his face was priceless. When I leveled my gun at him and fired the gun through his face, his blood painted the wall and that look was suspended there. The glass window nearby was shattered and in the panic the woman cried out going to hide under the table.

I scoffed, the smoke in the room now wasn’t the kind from a cigarette or match. The dimly lit diner was filled with the sounds of glasses rattling and confused screams of panic. Demons masquerading as humans, preying on the weak. Wolves in sheep’s clothing.

I made my escape in the blink of an eye. A tuft of black feathers left in my wake. In this kind of justice there’s no jury, no witnesses, no one is all that sure what they’ve seen. I took orders straight from God for so long that to me, there’s no reason to be discrete or to show discrimination between demons, whether it’s a low level trying to con a woman into carnal or chemical pleasures, or something far more sinister.

The truth of the matter was something was stirring, deep within the Earth. Something so horrid that it had the demons heading for higher ground, every now and then they’d attempt to blend in and act right. What could cause them to seek shelter so vigorously?

I didn’t know, but as I watched the commotion inside of the diner from the next parking lot over, I was sure I would find out.

Untitled Piece

She said, “October never got this cold before I moved back here, but I’m not complaining.”

The thin wire frame sign twists and bends in the cold wind. All of the grass under me where I lay feels so cold against my back that I could swear the ground was wet. The sun is blotted out from the sky by a low hanging sheet of clouds. And I just have to lay here and ask myself, “How often do I get to do this?”

After living in Chicago for a while, it never got cold enough for her to consider it Winter or even Autumn. Her thin livid arms are stretched out and up behind her head, she turns to look at me and some of her red hair drops over her eyes, “Did you say something?”

“It was nothing,” I let the words slip out as I continued to stare up at the clouded sky.

This was the epitome of the lazy Saturday, this was the kind of day that I lived for, even on the rare occasion that they happened. I felt her head ram hard into my chest. When I glanced down I could see that she had jumped against me, her arms were wrapped around me and her face gazing up at mine.

“No kids, no work; I really think that I could stay out here like this all day,” her voice was quiet with excitement, the way intimate secrets were told. It was the way her voice always got when she was giddy. That was something that should have been comforting, right?

I wrapped my arm around her back and let my hand rest on her stomach, “With things the way they’ve been around here recently its good to have a rest.”

“Well I know that work’s been getting to you,” her green eyes were half closed now and her lips stayed parted when she finished speaking. She reached up and pushed her hair back some, “Work’s been hard on all of us.”

Hard was an understatement. Including myself, several of our group had been injured in the past few months, one of them nearly died and on top of all of this we have very good reason to believe that we’re being spied on by someone in our group. Basically everything that we knew has changed or be rearranged in some way or another.

Life set us on this track and then halfway through went and pulled the track up and left us to wonder aimlessly with out direction. I’m not sure what options we have when that happens except for trust our instincts and hope for the best.

“At least we’re all still alive,” I said.

She slid her body further up mine, our faces coming closer together, “It’s like every time we talk you get hung up on this,” she paused, “Isn’t there anything else you’d care to think about…anything at all,” her voice took that same tone again.

I smoothed her hair back with my hand and then ran my fingers down through it, “I don’t mean to do that at all…”

“I know, its just…we’ve got some time to rest finally and…”

“I know, sorry…” my voice is dry, dry like the rough brown pine needles we cleared from the yard earlier that day.

“…and you act like things are so serious,” she said. Suddenly she smiled real big, “It’s not the end of the world, you know?”

Sixteen years of marriage and its hard to believe, this woman still smiles at me this way. She smiles at me despite the things I’ve done, despite everything that’s happened. Sometimes I wonder if she’s blocked it all out. Sometimes I think if she only knew. I’m a monster.

My free hand fumbles through my pocket, I produce my lighter and a pack of Lucky Strikes. I struggle to get the pack open with one hand and pull one single cigarette free of the flip top box. Her eyes scold me, but she doesn’t say a word.

I slip the thin white clothed strip of tobacco into my mouth and go to light it, “The end of the world,” I repeat, “Sometimes I think it is…”

I'm a Girl?

After working in a game store for the last few months I have had a chance to observe a few things. More recently, like this week I have had a complaint from a few people of the same nature. Basically several people came in and made the same complaint about different games. The complaint didn't have anything to do with gameplay, graphics or anything like that. Frankly it kind of surprised me that they had this complaint. What was it?

The complaint was that they were a girl in the game they were playing.

In one case there was an option to change the character to a male or female. But in the other the girl was the main protagonist and you didn't have the option. The last time that I heard someone mention it was today. The game was portal and the person saw their reflection in the portal and asked "Is that what you the person looks like?"

I answered, "Yeah."

"I'm a girl, I don't want to be a girl, I'm a guy."

The thing I don't get is the guy went on to make this an even bigger deal and I just had to think, do you realize how long it was before there were that many girls in games as playable characters? The market for that kind of thing is pretty male oriented and even worse when there are women in games they traditionally look like Laura Croft. What's the matter with playing a female protagonist? I mean I don't see any issue with it really. This guy acted like it was dehumanizing to have to be a girl for a few hours in a game.

I mean do these people think about the fact that any time a girl played she had to be a guy for years nearly...and that when they finally started to use girls they were almost always there to be this sexual object. Not that it actually is a huge deal, but it kind of pissed me off is all.

Al Gore?

Al Gore won the Noble Peace Prize...well there goes any honor that Institution could have hoped to have had.

I say we stage a protest, I'm going to start burning trash, emitting all the green house gases I can and just generally Polluting because that's what Al Gore wouldn't want, right?

Actually, if you can win a prestigious award by lying...I'm not sure what this world is coming to.

Friend Zone

I had a little bit of a talk the other day with someone about some things, namely dating friends. I've never understood why I see so many people talk about how they want to be friends first but it seems like there's almost never any chance for anyone to date their friend. Its like, by going there you're automatically pulled out of the dating pool. Yet at the same time here you are being told that you should go and be friends first.

From my standpoint, those guys that end up dating girls that they were "friends" with aren't the kind of friend that I would call a real honest friend. Its hard for me to explain, but have you ever looked at a girls friends and thought, "Yeah, he's just trying to get into her pants" about one of them? Well those are the kind of guys that usually end up getting the girl when they are quote, "friends". As mean as I am, I just can't trick another person, I have to be real friends with them, and that's my problem.

I know that talking about this isn't going to make the problem go away, I mean all kinds of problems get talked about and none of them are just gone because of it. I really don't ever see a change where socially its just well known that most of the time the type of person that someone says they want to date, isn't the type they actually date.

A lot of men don't care how smart a girl is. A lot of women don't seem to care if a guy really is nice to them. In some regard, both sexes suffer for their lack of truth with themselves. I've seen a guy try to convince himself that a girl was smart, just to justify being with her. Likewise, I have seen a girl trying to convince herself that this guy is being nice to her when it's clear he's not.

But there's hope. Some men out there (like me) can't stand a girl who is stupid when it comes to dating. What I mean is we all make some mistakes or goof up from time to time. But if you've almost drowned from standing in a shower, I don't want to talk to you. Actually intelligence in a girl is attractive and as I have said before, can make a decent looking girl seem a lot cuter. Plus, unlike beauty it doesn't fade.

There are also those girls out there who like guys that are nice to them and aren't looking for some kind of a "work in progress" bad boy. Unfortunately for most guys like me, most of those girls are taken...

...yeah it sucks.

Dancing With the Stars

Dancing with the Stars gargles my balls...

I mean where the Hell is the real star in that show?

I wish my mom would stop talking about it all of the time...

Teen Rapes Dog to Death and Molests Little Girls

Remember that guy I posted about who raped the road killed deer? Remember how people thought it couldn't get worse than that? Well get read for this:

SPARTANBURG, SOUTH CAROLINA - A Campobello teen is accused of raping one neighbor's dog and another neighbor's two little girls. Now the dog has died and charges against the teen have been upgraded.

After receiving word that the dog died possibly because of the rape. Fox Carolina called the Solicitor's office to see if now new charges would be filed against the teen. An hour later Solicitor Trey Gowdy called to say that the charges will be upgraded to the "most serious animal cruelty charges they have on the books."

The dog's owner Sylvia Jones says, "At first when it happened, I couldn't eat or sleep every morning I'm waking up thinking Princess is there but she's not.

Princess's little dog house is empty now. Sylvia Jones says she died of internal bleeding this past Sunday because of the rape. "The vet told me she had a little blood in her urine and that she was bleeding inside."

Sylvia says she and her husband would not have believed Cory Williamson raped Princess exactly two weeks to the day she died had they not seen it with their own eyes.

"When I got here we were laying on the deck looking at him and he had his pants down and he was doing sexual activity with the dog like a man would do to a woman."

The Jones family says Princess wouldn't eat or play anymore after the attack. "She (Princess) couldn't even sit down, her bottom was swollen sore."

Sylvia says she knows Princess was just a dog, but she wants people to know that Princess was also a part of her family. A family that now has been forever changed. "She looked so pitiful. It's sad, there was nothing I could do for her."

Neighbors worry that if Williamson is accused of raping a dog and molesting two girls in the same neighborhood, who knows what might happen next.

Neighbor Bill Johnson says, "As a community we shouldn't have to watch our kids every second they're playing. We want him out of this neighborhood."

The Solicitor's office says it wants to make sure Williamson is out of this neighborhood while he's awaiting trial on the molestation and dog rape charges so they are requesting that his bond be revoked. Williamson's bond hearing will be held next Friday.

Real

I'm a little upset, just because of the way I got chewed out in general, albeit by some people off the internet that I don't even know. The thing was this, someone made this thing where you post pictures of girls you think are pretty. The catch was they couldn't be like models and stuff like that, they just had to be regular girls. When it started out everyone post one or two pictures at a time.

Well I'm not going to post nude pictures of the girls, so all of mine were pretty much regularly dressed. I start getting yelled at because the girls I am posting aren't big breasted enough, or they're too skinny, too thick or whatever else. I put up with it for a while, but eventually I got tired of emails and stuff about it. So I just gave up and wrote this to them this morning:

Yeah I'm done with this thread in all honesty. If people are going to bitch about girls I've posted for being too whatever, and the thread is entitled "Real Girl Picture post" I don't have anything else to do with this. You guys don't seem to know what real girls look like. And in a way I have to agree with Carnage (another poster), that these big breasted, fake looking girls that everyone seems to be into, aren't what a girl looks like. Very few girls are blessed with looks that good and comments like "her nose is a little too long" show just how petty you all are being. A girl might have a little meat on her, especially if she's got a chest. If she doesn't have much of a chest then she's more than likely thinner.

It's not impossible to find someone who's thin with a chest. But its not common. Add to that gobs of makeup, what looks like some plastic surgery and other stuff and these girls everyone's going ape shit over aren't more than just someone's fixer up. I could take almost any girl who is kind of cute and with thousands of dollars of surgery or makeup make her look like that…thing is a girl doesn't have to be half naked to be hot, or super skinny, or big breasted.

I hope if any of you have daughters you sure as hell teach them that at least.

So that's it for me, I'm out.

I think that a lot of the time in today's society that this is the problem with the perception of other people. Each gender doesn't seem to know what regular people look like and they expect every guy they come across to look Brad Pitt and every woman like she's Jessica Simpson. I just got really pissed because I know those girls who get ignored for their little flaws. Some of them are great women and extremely beautiful and sweet. But the truth is they're not perfect enough.

Changes

This wee has been a very eventful one indeed.. A month ago I was having such a hard time. Actually a week ago things were not all that good. And then all of a sudden so much changed. On top of that things are there is still a lot for me to do and a lot on my mind right now. I am actually at work, just finishing up my shift and I don't think I have been this exhausted in sometime. It takes a special kind of tired to get like this. I can barely move and my whole body is cold.

I spent part of the night playing games with friends, the other part of the night I spent thinking about the story, about the comic I said I was going to do so long ago. I think that now I can make a conscious effort to do it and get on with it. I have had so much going on and I more than likely have a shit load of material to pick from. Let alone I have the story that I am writing and I am working hard to get all of my things in line to make the story more presentable in case I actually want to market it, which is the overall plan.

Bu right now, I am so tired, work has been hard on me tonight and I feel like I could sleep forever. I think I just might try. I still have fifteen minutes of work and I guess that I could try and do something in that time like finish cleaning up. But I just wanted to get something posted in this thing and let everyone know I am still using it and that I plan to keep using it just like I said.

Shameless Plug

Well this is more of a self plug than anything else. First and foremost I have to tell you that I have started an internet forum for writers. I am running it myself. I am overseeing it and I have complete control over it. That having been said, anyone is welcome to join. No part of it costs money and my hope is to grow as a writer and help others to grow.

The thing holding me back the most is that I will have to do leg work to get this thing off the ground. I need a little help honestly. More than anything I need people who know someone who wants to be a writer to simply tell them. It might seem like spamming or like this is rude. But I know there has to be other writers out there who want some forum where they can go and openly discuss things. We welcome all types of writing.

That having been said, I will move on to what I really wanted to say. I ended up watching Knocked Up the other night and I couldn't be more happy with the fact that I bought it. I had no idea I was going to like it so much. And what gets me the most about it is that it reminds me so much of me and my friends. The way they talked, the situations (besides the whole pregnancy thing, Super Bad's situation fit more). In my personal opinion the movies stay true to themselves, they get a message across in a way that you almost don't notice you're getting something. But when you leave you're really taking it with you.

I am just very glad that I watched these. And I hope that more people get to see them and can look past the vulgarity of it all, because underneath all of that is a real solid message. A message that's important because a lot of times in the world today, we don't get movies where people do the right thing. The right thing isn't popular.

Well I've got to go grab some food. The next little blog I do will more than likely be a story clip. See you then.

I Quit

I know that no one has really noticed it, but I haven't touched these things in a long time. I guess because I get tried of typing the same things every single time that I start to write in here. More likely than not I have written something, and I just don't post it because it all looks the same. Well lucky me, because today looks just like the last few months have. The cycle of self loathing and pretty much infinite sadness seems to be pretty much all I can muster these days.

It could be that this city doesn't feel like home to me anymore. Or it could be that I have been like this for a long time and my bad choices in friends, bad choices in people to trust and a lot of other bad choices are starting to catch up to me. It's only when I have time to sit and think, when I really have time to examine things that I realize how much I don't want to be most of the things that I am. And even more so, that I realize that I seem to have very little ability to change that.

Life gets hard, and sometimes I wish I could erase the last six years or so and just do them over again. I wish I could do things in high school different and start college different. I wish I knew back then what I know now. Mostly that you can't trust anyone, you can't because a lot of where I went wrong was trusting, was assuming people were friends. The people I know online have been more forthcoming with me than the people I meet in real life, that's just sad.

People telling me that I should go see a counselor should know I did that before, and I hated it. The lady couldn't be trusted because a lot of the things she said were uncaring. I don't want to be that uncaring. That might be the problem with the world, that no one cares and that a lot of psychological crap tells them that's alright because its how you're supposed to be.

It's a hard choice to make between being who you are, changing who you are, and lying about who you are to be who you want to be. Perhaps the last one is the easiest, but its also least rewarding. I think I have tried all three, and even lying is hard...but the thing is that none of them seemed to get results. Nothing has changed for me. And if this is how things will be, I honestly don't see a point in trying anymore. I'm just about ready to quit.

Stuck

It's a little after five AM and I am up sitting here at the house alone. I am just thinking about so many things that have happened over the past...I don't know how many months. Suffice to say I am trying to get these thoughts out of my head because most of them aren't good. And one in particular is of this girl that I miss terribly and just am afraid to admit it to her, or maybe I am afraid to admit to myself.

I can't get her out of my head, she's set up permanent shop there and I wish I could tell her how I feel, I know she doesn't feel the same way. No girl ever feels that way when it comes to me.

This is short because I have no idea what to say.

But I just want thoughts like this to go away...I want it all gone.

But, more than anything, I just wish I could hold her.

Dusk And Summer

Well this is my end of summer report...I guess we can call it that. If I had written this exactly a week ago, it would have been a totally different story. I would have had to say that this was the most uneventful and bland summer, and that besides the bad nothing happened that I could call something good.

Well I will have to take that back. I made a new friend and after that I could look back on the things that happened over this summer that weren't all bad. I really did spend most of the first half of the summer alone. I think that for someone who has depression this is really the right way to help them, am I right? But there were a few occasions I got to see my friends and just hang out with them. I don't count school because there such a time constraint and limit on what you can do.

Anyway, I also go to go see people like Brandon, Tarin, and Heather. It was nice seeing all of them, Brandon let me stay with him and we had some great times watching the Angry Video Game Nerd. We set up and talked, went outside and just had cigars and it was like old times again. That's something I really missed and kind of felt empty without. Rickey and I just hung out and talked, I kept him up just like old times. And Heather has been supportive and has helped me through some pretty hard times and all with my brother.

I didn't get to see Prentiss as much, but I talked on the phone with him often enough that it was the same. We are always the same and I am convinced that this is how we will continue to be. Tarin I only got to see one time and it was only for a few hours. It was awkward because her new boyfriend was someone I had never met and I am sure he didn't like me. He's not the type of guy I would hang around with but I would say that none of the guys she dates are. But it was still great to see her and I got some pictures out of the deal.

Also I got a lot of writing done this summer, and insane amount. And I am glad for that because I felt like I really wasn't getting anywhere before.

But one of the things that happened this summer that came out of nowhere was Kat, we met on a forum site for Naruto and was later realized that she lived like right across from me in another subdivision. I really only spoke to her because she went to school in San Marcos and knew Stephanie Adams. But in such a short time I made friends with someone who is eerily similar to me and just so much fun to be around. Thanks for being there Kat and making this summer so much better than it is.

Sadly the one thing I promised to do this summer, beat Final Fantasy XII, hasn't happened yet, because I am a lazy person and I hate keeping promises to myself.

Fortune Cookie

I haven't written in this blog in what seems like forever. In actuality there has been real reasons for my choice not to write as much in here. Collectively over the last few weeks I have written over fifty pages of stuff that was story alone, this does not include the papers for school. And as I write this right now I have two more papers ahead of me before I can rest.

This last week has been turbulent to say the least but it ended up being one of the best weeks yet. Having someone nearby who I could hang out with and just go out and do stuff with has been comforting. That sense of not belonging and just not having a place I've felt since, oh I don't know, about September of last year seemed lifted for a while in the last place I expected that to happen. Right here in Spring.

Its hard not to think of the fortune from earlier this week in the half assed cookie in which it was housed. You will face new challenge everyone reads this kind of stuff the same. The fortune is bad news, just eat the cookie and when you bad news comes it will seem less cosmic...you won't feel like God has an out for you if the cookie didn't tell you that you had this coming

But what if the challenge isn't a bad one, even though the cookie didn't tell you the answer it sure as Hell predicted what will happen. And as a person who usually scoffs that these sorts of things. I have to say that no challenge is without at least looking at to see if its worth taking on. Few will read this blog, even fewer will understand it, even less than that I will want to understand it.

But know this, the last few months have been turmoil, uncertainty, life changing. This week I had an epiphany, an eleventh hour awakening that has set me up for the next stage of life. And to think, a little strip of paper with a line of lotto numbers on one side and a sentence on the other might just have triggered it.

Cyber Love?

Someone asked me suddenly the other day if I thought it was possible to have feelings for someone whom you have never met in person. I didn't really answer the question, it was two thirty in the morning and I was having feelings for bed...strong ones. Other times I have been called crazy for getting so involved in the lives of people whom I have never really met or for worrying about them when they have trouble.

But the thing is that I have some friends online that I knew before I knew most of you who will read this, people I have talked to through phones and long emails, whom I spent rainy days IMing and chatting with. People who taught me to write, who read my first stuff, the really bad stuff, people who have been emotional support and who I hope I have provided some comfort to.

After all, I fell in love with a girl I only met once, and then talked to over the net for months after that. I cared for her more than I have any other single human being in my entire life and we just talked through emails for the longest time. Our communication came once a day and yet when it came and I knew it was on the way, I couldn't wait. There are few feelings in the world like getting an e-mail from another person, not a myspace message or a facebook wall post, but an honest to God e-mail. When she used to write them to me I would be so excited, I'd curl up in front of my boxy old monitor and hold my face close to the screen to read it.

I might read the thing over and over again before I would place it back in my inbox to rest, and I have several of them still saved even now.

Because she was telling me intimate details of her life and I was telling her some from mine, when we finally met up again in person, I felt close to her. I felt so close that I told her I loved her, because she was everything that I had ever wanted in another person and still is.

So to answer your question, I think that love can bloom anywhere, even in cyberspace. Here was a girl I liked bu I had no idea the substance of, until I talked to her online. Love is a strong thing, it has bloomed on the battle field and in dank hospital rooms. Even if we are to accept that the Internet is a cruel place, I believe that Love can still transcend that cruelty