Janus

Looks like by not writing anything here for so long I've kept too many things bottled up and I don't even know where to begin. I can say that my old job is gone away. It's a thing of the past and I don't even need to think about it anymore. No one I talk to works there, nothing I care about is there and its better that I lost it and found a good job with the kind of things that will allow me to make more over time.

For me, Thanksgiving has always been one of those times of the year when I was dreading what was coming. Its like the worse part of the year for me and I am so glad that its gone now. The worse is behind me I guess. But more over I feel like some of my friends are slipping away, I mean I'll always have Prentiss and friends like that, they've been there too long and its like having more family. But other friends seem so distant and reluctant to want to talk.

Its like I wonder if I did something wrong or didn't do something. Or if I did something wrong by fighting so hard just to keep friends. That having been said the Holidays feel especially lonely this year. Its not getting any better and when I think that I am going to be able to just overlook that I might actually do it for a short time. But I'm not fine with things as I would like to think I am. And I hate it more than anything else when ever people act like I should be happy just because of ______.

Whatever blank that might be some people seem to think everyone has it better than them, and while some might have it better than others. It's not the case with everyone being over you. And while I really try to make the best of things and keep the things out that are said around me, there's like this constant power struggle inside of me between being who I've been for years and the jerk that I see a lot of other people become when they get discouraged.

When ever I look at the options the jerk seems more and more beneficial and I don't know what part of me holds me back, but it just does. More and more I've started to bite back at people instead of just getting walked on all of the time. But it seems that the options are be the way I am and get walked on more or be the way I've been trying not to be but keep people from walking on you.

People seem trained to use others, and when they do it they don't even seem to notice it. Maybe they don't want to, they might think that it was part of that other person's duty to help them get out of whatever rut they were in. Like some character in a book or movie that's only there to serve the purpose of furthering the plot. That's how I feel, like I'm just used to help someone get back on their feet before they run off and go do what they really wanted. Friends that I've had, girls that I've liked, they've treated me like this. And from time to time they'll come back but its only for the same reason.

In my mind I want to be mad, but I'm not sure what should make me madder, the part where they do it again or the part where I let them. In the end it just ends up being pathetic.