Heaven Forbid: Instance

A vast vacuous darkness as far as the eye could see. That was all there was. Dee led the way with her scythe held down at her side. Her head searched the entire space for any signs of life, movement or anything.

Nothing lay there except a void. She sighed and continued to walk. From behind her she could hear the footsteps of the others as they followed her. The three of them were walking in a skewed line. It seemed that in this place, the only thing that existed was them.

Madeleine was walking with her phone out, “Of course there’s no signal here,” she muttered, “and whatever we’re walking on isn’t dirt because my powers won’t work.”

“I’m guessing that we can’t teleport, either,” Dee said. “I’m even willing to bet I couldn’t send my scythe away if I wanted.”

Brandon remained silent, holding his gun down at his side. Madeleine slipped her phone back into the pocket of her small white sweater. She moved closer to Brandon and reached around the side of his duster to pull out a long silvery saber, “Mind sharing a weapon friend?”

He glanced at her and shook his head.

Dee glanced back, her voice shaking as she said, “Brandon,” she started, “You need to stick close to me—its not safe here.”

“I’ve been to one of these places before,” Brandon said. Dee stared at him in shock now, “Back when I trained with the Order, we were made to fight a demon in this type of environment as a final exam. At the seminary we called these Instances.”

“Fancy name,” Madeleine said, “I just prefer to say we’re in a little part of Hell.”

There drought of speech and Dee turned back towards them, “Wait, what part of Hell?” she asked.

Madeleine sighed, “Hell’s rather large and I’ve not traveled around most of it.”

Brandon shook his head, “There’s no use arguing about it, we can’t even see to identify what’s around us.”

Dee peered off into the distance, past Brandon and Madeleine as if she were staring through the darkness itself, “There’s something back there—“

Her two companions glanced back. Up in the sky there were large red dots in a row, glowing like lights. Madeleine stepped back closer to Dee, “Something’s not right about this.”

The air was shaken with a thunderous screech. Each member of the group brandished their weapon as the darkness seemed to give way to a giant dark form. Parts of the void itself seemed to move and came alive in a monstrous arachnid shape.

Dee lowered her weapon and widened her stance, “Aw man,” she edged back placing a curled hand on her bottom lip. “It had to be a giant spider.”

The huge red orbs were the eyes of the creature. It lurched forward through the darkness emitting a gurgling sound. Its movements were sluggish and smooth, but the creature itself was of a massive size.

Brandon moved back some bringing his gun up and firing at the creature. He fired six times towards the thing’s face and the creature howled.

Dee called out, “You think that’s going to hurt it?”

“They’re blessed silver—it felt something did you see the reaction,” Brandon said.

Madeleine sighed, “This sword’s going to be useless,” she jammed the weapon into the ground. The monster was nearing them, its pincher like jaws wide feeding into the hole of its mouth. “Good thing I carry these,” Madeleine reached into the top of her dress and pulled out a pair of grenades.

“I thought your boobs looked funny,” Dee said as she stared in amazement.

“Ladies!” Brandon shouted as threw his fedora to the ground in the between all of them. A large circle with Hebrew characters appeared on the ground closing them in. The demonic spider fired a huge glob of green gunk at them.

As it hit the edge of Brandon’s protective circle it fizzled out.

“Eww, what the fuck!” Dee whined.

Madeleine flicked the pins out of the grenades with her thumbs and hurled them up towards the beast’s face. As they detonated the thing roared in pain, its face covered by the power of the blast. The fire spread and lit a small area of the void.

Now the creature had become a walking conflagration. A cascade of fire poured down off its face. Part of the torso was blasted open. In a fit of wrenching pain the spider lunged at them its cries imbued with torment.

Brandon and Madeleine dove out of the way as the thing stumbled towards them. Dee sprung straight up into the colorless void her glorious white wings spreading from her back. They beat against the air as she tried to keep her flight pattern right.

One hand covered her heart and the other held tightly to her trusted scythe. From this high up she could barely see Brandon and Madeleine lying on the ground where they had landed.

“Dee, coward—you’re going to have to stop it!” Madeleine screamed from the ground.

“I can’t—I hate spiders!”

“Stop being a baby!” Madeleine replied.

Dee took a deep breath, the spider didn’t seem to see her or any of the others. The grenade more than likely had blinded it. So that put her at a slight advantage. In the back of her mind though she knew she didn’t want to take on a demon this size head on.

That was when she knew what she was going to use.

“Madeleine, wrap your wings around Brandon!” she yelled.

Madeleine fluffed her wings out, their span stretched out to their length and then she rushed over and enclosed herself and Brandon. Dee tossed her free hand back behind herself as she treaded air. She snapped her fingers and a ball of intimidating looking fire grew and formed up high behind her.

The ball grew to size comparable to that of the monster and then Dee flew up from it letting the ball rain down and smash into the spider’s back. The creature was crushed in a loud screech and its parts were flung out from the blast area.

Here and there debris from its scorched carcass littered the void. Dee fell to the ground on all fours with her winds sagging onto the ground around her. She took hungry deep breaths at the air. She put her forehead flat on the ground, pieces of the creature rained down around her.

Brandon ran to her side and grabbed her around the shoulders, “You did well, Dee.”

The void seemed to lighten now, and then it became transparent. Madeleine was standing over Dee and Brandon looking off into what had been the blackness. Now they were back in Brandon’s living room.

Every sign of the struggle vanished. Brandon’s sword was stuck in the wooden floor of the kitchen. Brandon’s fedora sat on the floor just inside of the door. Madeleine glared down at Dee, “Oh suck it up, Dee, you’re fine.”

Madeleine flipped her bangs out of her hair and started out of the room, “We’re going to need to dig deeper for this information,” she said, “But where we’re going they don’t allow Demon Hunters…”

Heaven Forbid: Caught

Outside of the Church the parishioners crowded against the fount of holy water. Every Sunday was the same; the people would come out into the world with renewed enthusiasm and ready to preach the gospel. That was how it was supposed to go. That was the way things were meant to be.

But things seldom seem to go as they should.

Madeleine knew this as she sifted through the hordes of people; they’re perfume perforating her nose. This wasn’t the way things were supposed to be. The situation they were in now had to be a sign something had gone wrong. Looking through the crowd ahead of her, the whole time just trying to catch a glimpse of the man she was looking for. This was the exit she’d seen him use.

The air was cold and still wet from the fog that had perforated it. Despite the sun’s best efforts it couldn’t break through the thick cloud cover that blanketed Downtown Houston. A line of cars waited at the light as Madeleine reached the edge of the curb.

Across the street she spotted the target. His body was concealed in a long black duster. His long brown hair was tucked into the back of his collar from when he’d put it on.

Madeleine held her cell phone up over her mouth clicked the two-way feature on. Her voice was almost a whisper, “He’s headed your way, Dee.”

Dee giggled manically, “Now’s my chance!”

“Must you be so slutty?” Madeleine’s accent bit off the end of her words, “Its not like you’re going to actually get anywhere with him.”

“Stop distracting me,” Dee stammered into the two-way, “Dee out.”

Across the street Madeleine could see Dee crouched behind a car and peaking around the corner. Today was one of the rare occasions that Dee didn’t go all Goth. Madeleine was proud, maybe her advice had taken root.

Dee’s legs were hardly concealed by the short gray and black plaid skirt. The transparence of the lacey black trim didn’t help matters. Her thick mess of curls were pulled up in a haphazard ponytail. She even had on a white oxford button down. White was not a color commonly seen on Dee. Madeleine was shocked that Dee even owned these clothes.

In an instant Dee bounced to her feet and sprinted up the side walk, Madeleine rushed out across the road after her. The man in the duster had distanced himself. Madeleine jumped the rise of the curb and hit the sidewalk almost bumping into a drunken bum. “Where do you think you’re goin!” the bum shouted.

Dee had stopped next to a tall chain link fence. As Madeleine reached her she threw her arms to her sides and exclaimed, “I can’t climb this shit in heels!”

With her hands on her hips Madeline huffed at her companion, “There’s no reason to go up that, we can just catch up to him,” she took off again.

“But what do we say—“ Dee paused.

Madeleine darted up the sidewalk. Admittedly she wasn’t much for running. Angels weren’t required to do it very often, especially in boots like the ones she had on. She wished she’d been the kind to dress for functionality.

The target turned the corner and Madeleine knew she had to keep him in sight. It was be to lose someone in the city. Even on a Sunday morning the streets were still crowded.

Around the corner she spotted him checking the mailbox of the townhouse. She’d had no idea they were this close to his home, although she’d been there once. She hollered as she got closer, “Father Carlson!”

He froze, his head aimed slightly down and the shadow from his fedora covering his face, “Madeleine, please don’t call me that.”

“Sorry,” she stomped to a stop next to him and let out a sigh, “It’s just that I’ve been chasing after you for a while.”

Madeleine remembered the story that the former Priest had told her about leaving the Church. He’d been a man of the cloth for some time, but not the kind you saw conducting Mass. He’d fought demons for a secret order within the Church. He’d only quit when he lost someone he loved.

Dee rounded the corner screaming as and waving her pale arms above her head, “I’m here…I’m coming!” Before she could reach them, her heel caught at hole in the side walk and she faltered. In a fury of flailing arms and cursing Dee fell face first to the pavement.

“Holy shit, Dee are you okay?” she asked.

She fought to get up, her bottom lip puffed out and her eyes averted from anyone else’s. Brandon stooped down and took her hand, “It looks like you’re cut up a little, should we get those cleaned up?”

Dee knew that she didn’t need to have her wounds taken care of. Even if she was run through with a sword she could heal herself in a matter of minutes. That was granted that she wanted to. But stopping the pain wasn’t worth losing the moment.

She threw her arms around his neck, “Thanks.” Brandon hesitated for a moment and then lifted her clean into the air. With a slight smirk she pulled herself closer to him.

Madeleine rolled her eyes, “Don’t have time for this,” she said in a sing-song voice.

Dee shot her an evil glance and then turned back to Brandon with a smile. He started up the steps with her in his arms, “Can you get the door for me Dee, its unlocked.”

She reached over and turned the knob, pushing it open. He stepped inside with Madeleine following behind him closely. The inside of the townhouse was dark. Brandon ran an inner city orphanage, or at a time he had.

“You’ll have to excuse the lackluster care in here,” Brandon started, “I had to shut the place down.”

Dee focused her violet eyes on him through the darkness, “What do you mean that you shut the place down.”

Madeleine flicked the light on, “So its just you here?”

Brandon nodded, “I was forced to close the place really, at least temporarily.”

“But why?” asked Madeleine.

“Demon attacks are getting more frequent—they’re becoming aggressive and I fear they might target me here,” he replied.

“So you did it to protect the kids,” Dee said, “You’re like the dreamiest man alive.”

He smiled down at her, “Thanks, Dee—I guess.” He moved into the next room which was large and dark with a long ‘L’ shaped couch off to one side. He placed Dee carefully down on the couch and flipped the lamp on, “Let’s get you patched up.”

She folded her arms behind her head and stared up at him, “Thanks for taking care of me,” her cheeks turned a little red. She shifted on the leather couch and there was a soft rubbing sound of her skin on the material.

Madeleine entered the room with her arms folded, when she leaned back on the wall the color brown of her dress almost matched the large wood paneling of the walls. She placed her foot back against the baseboard stabling herself. Brandon left the room to get a first aid kit.

Madeleine sighed walking towards Dee, her anger brought her accent to forefront of her voice, “Who do you think you’re fooling?”

“What are you bitching about now?” asked Dee.

Now Madeleine kept her voice low, “We both know you don’t need someone to ‘a patch you up’, you can heal yourself just fine—“

“Just leave it alone, and its your fault I fell—you ran ahead and left me all alone,” Dee said.

Brandon entered from the other room and Madeleine walked back towards the entrance, “I think I need to go to the restroom,” she left.

Brandon watched as she walked out, “Is something the matter?”

“Yeah we’re just under a lot of pressure.”

He smiled, “That’s always a problem.”

“She gets high strung when she’s worried,” Dee said.

Brandon started to push her skirt up just a little bit, “May I?”

“Yeah,” her voice was imbued with nervousness and her cheeks turned hotter red.

“It looks like you cut your knee pretty bad here,” he said. When Brandon took her leg in his hand and bent it towards him slightly he could tell that she was in ridiculously good shape. There was no fat on her leg, it was all muscle.

Dee wanted to scream out. Her heart thudded hard against her chest. She’d thought of this too often. His touch so gentle it made her shudder slightly. Her hands pressed down into her lap Dee tried to strike up some kind of conversation to take her mind off a man she found irresistible running his hands all over her leg.

“We have to make sure nothing’s broken,” Brandon said.

She spoke up, “Do you like—things—you know how you see something and umm…” her mind went totally blank.

“There doesn’t seem to be anything broken, did you hit your head hard?” he asked.

“No.”

“This is going to burn a little,” he told her as he started to apply some antiseptic to her scrapes.

She winced, “Yeah.”

He finished most of her body and as he was about to put the kit away he leaned over on the end table next to the couch. Right then he noticed that there was a scrape on the side of her face.

“I missed a spot,” he stopped to wipe it and did so very carefully.

Dee sat there looking into his eyes and she sighed, “Maybe if you gave me a little—“ she froze up.

Brandon kissed Dee on the forehead lightly, “Is that better?”

“That’s…that…” Dee’s eyes rolled back in her head and she fell back onto the brown leather couch; fainted.

“Dee, are you alright, wake up!” Brandon lifted her head some.

Madeleine rushed back into the room from somewhere else, “What did you do to her?”

“I kissed her on the forehead and she just fell out!”

“You can’t kiss her,” Madeleine said, “She’s never even been touched by a guy—let alone kissed.” Now she rushed to her friend’s side, “You’re lucky that she didn’t have a heart attack.”

Brandon moved away as Madeleine knelt next to Dee, he writhed his hands together as he paced, “I don’t get it, what’s wrong with her?”

“Haven’t you noticed,” Madeleine said, “Or are you stupid?”

“Noticed what?”

“Nevermind,” Madeleine thought of how mad Dee would be if she mentioned it, even if she thought he should have known it herself. Madeleine held her hand over Dee’s face, her finger tips began to glow brilliant white. The light reflected off the leather of the couch and the picture that hung on the wall.

Dee’s eyes shot open and she pulled herself up from the couch, “What the Hell?” her cheeks were still hot red.

Madeleine smoothed Dee’s hair back from her forehead, “You passed out, are you alright?”

Dee nodded nervously, she lifted her head slightly. The corner of her lip lifted slightly as she smelled something distinct. She sniffed the air hard.

Madeleine raised her head up. She searched the room slowly, smelling the air as she looked around. In a smooth motion she pulled her hair away from her pretty face, her green eyes half closed, “I smell it too.”

“Smell what?” Brandon asked.

“Sulfur,” Dee jumped up from the couch and held her hand out to the side calling the scythe to her side. The weapon appeared in a flash of light and she brought it up behind her back.

Digging his hand deep into his duster Brandon produced a long barreled silver gun with ornate decorations, “Another demon attack.”

Thick black oil oozed from the ceiling and dripped onto the floor right near Madeleine’s foot, “Far worse than a demon attack, this is big trouble.”

The oil bubbled onto the floor, running down the wall slowly and starting to come from all sides all of the walls. Some of the oil ran faster than the others, the wooden floors were starting to seep too. The oil crept up between the floor boards.

Dee hissed, “Fuck,” she shot her gaze to each side of the room, “This was a trap they wanted to get us in the same place.”

Madeleine, Dee, Brandon—they all knew that this wasn’t your run of the mill attack, they were being pulled in—someone had set this up. The townhouse had become a prison and they were being pulled into Hell.

While

Been a while since I did one these, since I started the story; which is getting underway nicely now. I'm do tired though. I worked late last night early this morning and I have to get up in about four and half hours and get to work. Things have been pretty rough besides work. I've had to face some of the questions about myself that I have been avoiding for a while and I am starting to wonder if I need to make some more adjustments to how I do things with myself.

My mind's been kind of on the fritz lately, plagued by things that I can't even begin to sort out now and I'm wondering if I did something--if I am doing something to make matters worse for myself. I can't just stop thinking about them, as much as people say that you can. Its not like that for me. I don't have an easily distracted mind. Most of the time my mind will do anything I need to do while thinking about what I am trying to avoid. Other times I will just be so distracted I can't get things done.

Its like most of the time I can't even talk to people anymore. I hope this passes soon.

Heaven Forbid - Chapter One: Suspension of Pride

She had only lingered for water a moment when she noticed the boy with the dusty blonde hair staring at her. His freckled face was imbued with awe as he looked up at her. Of course she knew that it wasn’t just her that he was looking at. The majority of Dee’s afternoon had consisted of leading her horse around the park. Anywhere a horse was taken in the middle of the city he attracted unnecessary attention.

She approached the boy wiping her mouth off with the back of her hand as she did. Her lips widened into a smile and she knelt down and started to rummage through her bag, “You wanna feed him?” Her slender pale arm made circles down in the satchel at her side and finally she produced a bright red apple, “He loves these.”

The little boy’s honey colored eyes were locked on her, but he said nothing. His arms hung down at his side and his face void of any expression except astonishment. So much astonishment he was unable to take the fruit.

“Go ahead, he won’t bite,” Dee smiled as she rose up from her squatting position to meet the boy face to face, “And neither do I.” She rubbed the top of his head lightly, “His name is Apples.”

Right then Dee thought of how she must have appeared to a little kid. She wasn’t exactly what one would call normal looking. The lip ring, the small jewel stud in the side of her nose and the countless crosses she wore around her neck couldn’t have been all that easy for the kid to take in. Add into the equation the loads of makeup she wore.

Madeleine waited in impatient silence behind the horse this whole time. She’d been Dee’s friend for some time. It had always been kind of apparent to her that Dee had a knack for getting horribly side tracked when there was something important to do. But she knew she couldn’t tell Dee that.

She’d tried, on more than one occasion, to advice Dee about perhaps dressing more conservatively. There wasn’t exactly a dress code for their line of work, but they were just supposed to blend in. However there wasn’t an incentive for Dee to listen.

The little boy accept the apple. He offered it up to the horse and the horse ate it carefully. The kid giggled at the horse’s mouth touching his hands. Dee shot Madeleine a quick glance to see if she was smiling about this whole ordeal. Of course she was not. As far as she was concerned Dee was wasting time.

From off across the park a woman called out, “Nick!” the boy looked up and his laughter ceased. The sound of his mother’s voice had pulled his attention away from the horse. Almost instantly he jolted across the path and over the grass off towards the hillside in the distance where she waited.

Madeleine sauntered around the horse, “Why did you bring him out?”

“He needs some exercise,” Dee rubbed the horse so vigorously her big dark mop of curls shook, “Cooped up in the Ethereal stables all day—he must get lonely.”

“I don’t think he’s allowed,” Madeleine concluded, “I don’t see many horses in the Herman Park.”

Dee ran her hand across the top of the horses head softer this time, “But he’s having a great time out here,” Dee said with an induced squeaky tone, “He’s not going to ever want to go back, isn’t that right boy?”

That baby-talk-tone that Dee took was enough to make Madeleine want to vomit; instead she just rolled her eyes. “Do you have to talk to him like that?”

“Aww you’re just jealous that he loves his momma!” Dee continued and exaggerated the voice now.

With her arms folded Madeleine sighed, “Your belittling him, he’s a grown horse!”

“You’re the one being rude,” Dee quipped, “I mean he has a name you know!”

“I’m not going to call the Pale Horse Apples!” Madeleine yelled.

“Well that’s what he likes to eat!” Dee threw her arms to her sides and stomped off from the horse, “Besides I don’t think he’s ever had a name,” she said, “Everything deserves a name.”

“You don’t see Pestilence and War running around with their horses sporting gay names…”

“War’s a tramp and Pestilence is a dick,” Dee said. “And don’t call Apples gay, slut.”

“Bitch…” Madeleine returned fire, “look we’re supposed to be doing a job.”

“Ladies, ladies, ladies; now there’s no reason for us to quarrel,” a man in a white suit made his way towards him. He was combing his hair through his long white blonde tendrils as he moved. Smoke rose off his shoulders and the top of his head yet it was so light that it was barely visible.

Apples reared up slightly and Dee touched the side of his head gently to calm him, “I thought that I smelled sulfur.”

Madeleine stepped against him holding her body close to his. The heat he gave off warmed right through her clothes, she could feel the sweat starting to form. It was akin to being near a fire. She pressed her pistol into his stomach hard.

“Can’t say I expected such a warm welcome from the likes of you,” he said. He tucked his head over her shoulder and his tongue extended out as he talked. It wasn’t a human’s tongue though. It was slimy and long with a split end; like that of a snake, “Put that away, I assure I won’t bite.”

In a flash he was gone, vanished without warning. She blinked as if she expected him to reappear. She felt something warm and wet on the back of her neck and in an instant she knew. She gasped as the wet warmth spread down the side of her neck as if it were wrapping around, “Oh God, he’s got his tongue on my neck.”

Dee stepped in behind him, brandishing her scythe now. She pulled the bladed edge in-between Madeleine and her target, “Make one more move and pop your head off like a cork.”

For an instant his steely blue eyes went wide. A smile spread across his pale lips, “It’s been a long time since I had the pleasure of meeting up with Death personified...”

“It’s been a while since there’s been one,” Madeleine stepped forward and turned to face him as she put her gun away. She checked around the park to make sure no one had noticed the trouble.

As Madeleine got out of his range he pushed Dee’s scythe up over his head, he turned and put his face close to Dee’s, “A female Death?” He smiled wryly, “Been even longer since we had one of those.” He edged around the side of her now with his arms but keeping his face as close to hers as he could. “How about a little kiss.” His forked tongue flicked out at her.

Dee pushed him back and dropped her scythe. Before the weapon could hit the ground it vanished in brilliant flash of light. “That’s a Hell of an offer,” Dee said, “But I think its better we keep this relationship strictly professional.”

Madeleine’s eyes welled up with tears, “I wish I could do that, he wrapped his tongue around my neck.” She was rubbing her hand down the side of her neck where the slimy appendage had touched.

The man in white went over to Apples rubbing him on the side of the head, the horse tensed up and backed away slowly. “You brought the Pale Horse off the Ethereal Plain?”

Dee rushed over and threw her arms around the horse, “Keep your fucking hands off him!”

“Honey,” he started, “I knew this horse back before you or this hunk of rock you call a planet were even part of His divine plan.”

Madeleine seemed to have gathered herself now, “So the rumors are true, you’re stalking the Earth these days, Lucifer?” Madeleine’s brown knee high boots crunched the grass under her feet slightly as she started to circle.

“I don’t remember ever seeing you back when I was fighting the good fight, you’re Nephilim then?” Satan asked.

Dee nodded.

“I sense an aura of intense energy around you,” Satan started. “It’s disgusting that he’d let two half-breeds have such power, the Angel of Death and an Archangel.”

“Can the commentary and tell us why you sent us that message?” Madeleine said.

Satan’s face went blank, his blue eyes now serious, “This is a warning…consider it an omen if you must—the war is coming.”

“We’ve been at war with you since—well the beginning of time,” Dee said.

“This war will make that one look like a school yard fight,” Satan said, “It’s ramifications will spill through Heaven, Earth, Purgatory and have already began in Hell.”

“There’s fighting in Hell?” Madeleine asked.

“Someone’s marched on two of the cities and taken them both, there’s demons joining their ranks by the thousands…the Lake of Fire at Gehenna is under attack as we speak,” he said.

Dee shook her head, “Any idea who’s leading this force?”

“I have one, but you’re not going to believe it.”

“Go ahead,” Madeleine said.

“The Great Old Gods…” Satan replied.

Dee and Madeleine glared at each other confused. Finally Madeleine smoothed her hands down her deep brown dress and asked, “What are these ‘Gods’?”

He sighed, “Do you two read anything in the Angelic Libraries?” there was a short pause. “They’re what predated Humans, God’s original ‘grand creation’, hidden away from the world in sacred objects…they lie dormant in both Hell and Earth.”

“How can a dormant life form lead an army?” asked Dee.

“They’re more Immortal than Human, someone has been releasing them or using their power to help build a force,” Satan concluded.

“How do you know all of this?” asked Madeleine.

“Because Michael and I led the charge to imprison them,” he started, “Most we placed carefully inside of sacred objects but one, who surrendered, we imprisoned in bone and flesh…the first Female—I think you actually know her.”

“I think we would know if we knew someone with that kind of power,” Dee said.

“She was called Lilith once, but these days she prefers the name Amandah—,” Satan paused to let them take it in.

“The Trickster?” asked Dee.

Satan nodded, “But a pendant and a glove that we trapped two of them in are missing from Hell—I’ve dispatched my Elite Guard to find the other objects.”

Dee turned to Apples, “Never a dull moment, eh Apples?”

“I’ve got to head back to my fight,” Satan said, “But I would advise you girls to talk to that Immortal, see if she knows anything.”

“Last I checked you didn’t run anything, Lucifer…” Madeleine said.

“If I, through all my pride have enlisted the help of Angels—you better believe this is something you should be worried about. If Hell falls Purgatory will easily and then Earth after that—then what, you make your stand in Heaven?”

“A drop of blood must never fall inside the Golden Gates!” Dee protested.

“Then I suggest you do as I say.”

*blank*

After losing what I thought was a friend over nothing, I'm convinced there are no descent people left in the world. Even after being friends for some years and talking pretty often; someone just dumps you off. Without a word, without any sort of a warning. Someone I had thought was a really good person, someone I thought that I could talk to and trust just up and blocks you and stops answering your calls. I don't know what to say about her, besides I wish I'd never known her. If all she was going to do was sneak out when she thought I wouldn't notice, or just walk out and not care if I noticed. What's the point? Why even be friends at all then?

I don't even want to talk about it anymore, its something that's just going to make me more angry.

Bananaphone?!?...WTF?

This song is so messed up! I mean what the Hell is it? A phone, obviously, but can you eat the damn thing? Or is it just shaped like a banana. Is it home based or mobile...and if it is mobile how much does the plan cost?

And in the song, why the fuck does he call the cat?

"No sir, the White House will not except your bananaphone call."

Save the Lies for the Liars

I'm starting to dislike pretentious people, those who think that they have to invent a new them to make themselves interesting. The same people who you see trying to hard to look intelligent. I'm getting really tired of being told how I can't be a real writer if I don't do this, or how doing this or that isn't an adult choice to make with ones hobbies or the like.

There's a guy that I work with who I spend a good deal of time around and he is one of these people. The very definition of lame. He made himself a big long list of New Years resolutions and broadcast them all over the place. Most of them were trivial shit. One of them even said that he wanted to take up smoking, who just 'takes up smoking' and choses to do so ahead of time.

He was discussing his writing with me at one point, because he writes too and it just sounded like that same old tired ass stuff you see in movies like Garden State, a depressing and emo romp through life until somehow some quirky girl comes up and without explanation for how she does it, changes things. When I told him about my writing and how I had spent all of the night before writing an action scene. He made some comment about how he used to write stuff like that, but he grew up.

He is quick to judge others on how they dress and the like, but the second someone even points ou that he is out of dress code, he flies off the handle. He is just the kind of person I thought I would be rid of when I got out of high school, but there are apparently more of them.

I Can Be So Cruel

So yeah, maybe this guy's problem isn't funny...but what I said back is...

Him: "I haven't crapped in the past 4 days, and I'm all stopped up. I'm in tremendous pain; I cant remain seated for more than 5 minutes, or else my lower area gets cramped. Throughout the day, I'll get convulsions that feel like someone punched me in the kidneys, and it hurts when I bend over. When I try to go to the bathroom, it's like my body wont let anything come out, despite my will to push through the pain. I took a laxative and it has yet to work. Any suggestions? Thanks."

Me: "There's only one option left...get in there with a butter knife and start yourself like a ketchup bottle."

I'm so cruel sometimes.

From the Heart of Utah

These are some quotes from a member known as UtahCrip on a forum I visit. They're pretty damn funny.

On Gun Control

"I feel like a real man regardless if I'm strapped. I just happen to always be strapped."

"This country was built on packing heat."

"Fuck out of here. I'll fight a dude but sometimes you just got to clap somebody."

On Relationships

"I told my moms I was going to go blow out some hoes back. All she asked was if I had some jimmy hats. I told her yeah but I hit it raw. Shit, elementary school was some good time."

"You act like it's hard to pick up 13 year old girls and fatties. If I stopped down to your level, I'd get more than 3 broads. Thankfully I like my hoes of age and looking right.

I aint down with that bullshit[monogamy]. I mean how you only going to bang one broad when they is so many good looking bitches out there. You must be crazy, cuz.

[Sexual Fantasies]"Aight peep this. So I'm chilling with the homies. Next thing this dime comes out of no where. We talking fine face, nice tigoles, and phat ass. So she pushes my homies out the way and gives me dome on the spot. Next thing a cop pulls up and get out of his ride. Before he starts hating, she pulls out my glock and shoots the pig. Then I hit it from the bacc. That's some real shit right there. For real something really romantic and shit.

On Learning

"Why aint you learn something more useful in them 10 years. The hood aint checking for sword fights. Seriously, call me the next time you get into a 3 musketeers type swordfight, cuz.

I really don't get that shit. For real people act like they are smarter with a degree. Yet when they graduate, they in debt and having troubles getting a job. Shit I barely graduated high school and I stay getting paid. The streets taught me and I aint have to take no caclulus classes. For current college students, I'm sorry but you getting pimped by education.

my response

We can't all sling roccs and gang bang, yo. Some of us have to stay on the straight and narrow, otherwise there would be massive inflation in the banging and slanging...and then there would be no money in the drug game...But going to college doesn't mean that you can't cheat the system and do gangsta shit, like stealing food from the campus cafe, or bustin' mental-caps in foo's with your knowledge.

I seriously couldn't make this shit up, I had to edit the spelling and stuff like that. But its all his words. You have no idea what kind of pure win this guy is made of.

Happt Rick Roll Day

I've never been much of a fan of April Fool's day, not sure why, but more than likely because I just find it to be a silly 'holiday' at best and I kind of regard it right down there with Halloween. I don't spend my day trying to fool people or any of that because honestly, if you do it on that day, its kind of obvious folks.

That is unless the prank itself is something we can do universally to people and its designated. Like that hitting game people used to play where they would make a shape with their fingers hold it below their waste and try to coax others into looking at it. This mentality is what brings me to the internet equivalent of that.

The Rick Roll hasn't been around too terribly long, but like most things on the internet, it picked up speed and spread like wild fire.

So without further delay, I would like to declare April the first, Rick Roll Day. For those of you who don't understand what a rickroll is, its simple. You try to trick someone into clicking a link to a Rick Astley video, for instance the link is here. But what do I do to trick you? I just send you a link and disguise it.

That's tomorrow for you people, now get on it.

Procedure

Is this standard procedure for you? Is this how you treat people who extend their hand and try to talk to you, try to be your friend at the very least. I don't know how some people manage to reach out to others that they don't know. Being open and friendly often seems to end with you being rejected. How do you handle that rejection? What's the right way to do this?

I haven't found my niche for meeting people, new friends or otherwise, it seems that the people I meet lately pass through my life just as soon as they came in. And when I reached out to meet someone, through another person--it ended in my being treated like I was nothing, like I was old news and unwanted. I don't care what anyone says, it hurts being treated like that even by new people.

So here is the thing, I think I might just let this thing go. Toss this to the side and forget about this because more than anything else I don't want to deal with how some others treat those who reach out to them.

Easter

Today is Easter I know, and there's just something unappealing to me about having to go over to my parent's house and hang out with them. I know this might sound like something trivial, as a matter of a fact it might sound down right stupid.

But things haven't been as good as they should maybe, and like any time that I'm alone I've had too much time to think. I have pretty no idea what to do most of the time, no direction to take and I don't know how to do things that maybe I should have some idea of how to. There is this guy, he's always doing these things like trying to be so adventurous and trying to take up new hobbies and things.

I really dislike him as a person (he's a bit of a playboy) but I wonder if I shouldn't be more like him in the regard of all these little experiments and trying to 'find my self'. Can you really even find yourself?

Sometimes I don't want to do anything, sometimes I just want to sit and think. Sometimes I think that everything is a waste of time and I wonder if I can even find something to do that won't just be another waste of time. There are these times where I know that I hate how people regard me. Its not a matter of caring too much about other people. Its just wondering why they think of you a certain way. How come people feel the need to be so vocal in expressing all your faults? How come people people think its so important you conform to them.

I mean a lot of the time I find it hard to even want to answer people when they ask me for my opinion on something they're discussing. It's not that I am afraid to express my opinion, that's not it at all. Its more of the fact that I don't want to have to argue my point. Regardless of how much I think I am right, at least as far as what's for me. I mean they'll ask what I think about strip clubs or something stupid like that and of course I've never been to one, don't ever want to go or plan on going.

Of course I get the same response that I get when I don't like something and there are other people around arguing it, "Well don't knock it till you try it." It actually makes me angry now when I hear it.

As far as other people that I know, ones who I know better, I hardly get to see most of them. I think that in recent memory the best time I have has been my birthday weekend in San Antonio. I wish I could have something like that at least from time to time. And now I know I need to start making plans again and sticking to them. I said I wanted to get something published, go back to school, none of that's going to get done with out me doing something about it.

And Dan Brown Says Something's Wrong With the American People

Someone on myspace posted this:

MY NAME IS DAN BROWN. NO, I AM NOT THE AUTHOR, DAN BROWN, WHOM I ADMIRE VERY MUCH. RATHER, I AM JUST A 75 YEAR OLD RETIREE WITH LOTS OF TIME ON MY HANDS WHO LOVES THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA WITH ALL THAT'S WITHIN ME.

I AM NOT A PATRIOT. I HAVE NEVER SERVED IN THE ARMED FORCES OF THIS GREAT NATION, TO MY SORROW, BUT DUE TO CIRCUMSTANCES WHICH YOU DON'T CARE ABOUT. I HAVE NEVER MADE A BIG MARK IN THIS WORLD.

I HOLD DEARLY TO CONSERVATIVE PRINCIPLES. I NORMALLY VOTE REPUBLICAN.

I AM A CHRISTIAN AND AM VERY PROUD OF IT. I AM NOT A COWARD - BUT I AM PETRIFIED.

WE ARE FACING THE REAL POSSIBILITY THAT BARACK OBAMA WILL BE THE NEXT PRESIDENT OF THIS NATION. NO ONE KNOWS ANYTHING ABOUT THIS MAN EXCEPT THAT HE DOES HAVE GREAT CHARISMA. HE HAS NOT AT ANY TIME DURING THIS CAMPAIGN REVEALED WHAT HE STANDS FOR, WHAT HE BELIEVES IN, OTHER THAN OBAMA, NOR WHAT HIS PLANS ARE TO EFFECT CHANGE WHICH HE TALKS ABOUT UNCEASINGLY.

I AM NOT AN INSIDER. I HAVE NO PROOF OF WHAT I BELIEVE, BUT I DO BELIEVE THAT WITH THE RESOURCES I DO NOT HAVE THAT MOST OF THE FOLLOWING COULD BE ESTABLISHED.

I BELIEVE THAT WHEN MICHELLE OBAMA MADE HER INFAMOUS STATEMENT ON TUESDAY OF THIS WEEK THAT FOR THE FIRST TIME IN MY LIFE I AM PROUD OF MY COUNTRY'', SHE PROBABLY MADE THE MOST TRUTHFUL STATEMENT OF THE CAMPAIGN. SHE JUST FAILED TO NAME WHAT HER COUNTRY IS. I BELIEVE THAT IT IS OBVIOUS THAT HER COUNTRY AS WELL AS THAT OF HER HUSBAND IS NOT THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA. HER PRIDE IN HER COUNTRY STEMS FROM HER BELIEF THAT THEY ARE ON THE VERGE OF TRANSFORMING THE GREATEST COUNTRY IN THE WORLD TO AN ISLAMIC NATION.

NO, I BELIEVE SHE MADE THE TRUE STATEMENT, AND SHE HAD NEVER BEEN PROUD OF THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA.

IT HAS NEVER BEEN HER COUNTRY! (JM)

WE ALL WERE ASTOUNDED WITH THE AMOUNT OF MONEY WHICH CAME INTO THE OBAMA CAMPAIGN COFFERS EARLY IN THIS YEAR, JUST WHEN IT WAS NEEDED.

I BELIEVE THE SOURCE IS NOT VERY MYSTERIOUS. I BELIEVE THIS MONEY WAS DISTRIBUTED IN AMOUNTS WHICH WOULD NOT RAISE A FLAG TO A GREAT MANY POOR PEOPLE, DISHWASHERS, TAXI DRIVERS, WAITERS, ETC., TO BE DONATED TO THE CAMPAIGN, BY MIDDLE-EASTERN FORCES WHICH ARE VERY ANONYMOUS.

WE HAVE EIGHT MONTHS IN WHICH WE MUST BRING SOME OF THIS TO THE ATTENTION OF THE AMERICAN PEOPLE.

WE CANNOT ALLOW BARACK OBAMA TO BE ELECTED PRESIDENT OF THIS NATION.

IF THIS ARTICLE CAN ACHIEVE THE ATTENTION THAT I HOPE THAT IT WILL, I WOULD EXPECT REPRISALS. WHAT GREATER SERVICE COULD I BE TO MY COUNTRY..

I can't tell you how wrong all of this seems, how much it seems like people just being stupid over something that really doesn't make sense. Half of it seems like conspiracy theory mixed in with some kind of racial and religious hatred. The whole thing if you read it draws a lot of speculation and some of it even seems to be trying to say that Obama is some sort of terrorist spy. The first part of this message actually acts like Obama hasn't announced anything about his campaign, which is untrue.

Secondly, I think that Hilliary supporters, McCain supporters, any of them will admit that Obama's values are not that of an Islamic nation, nor are they that of some radicalist group bent on the destruction of the American way.

Even the idea that Michelle Obama is anything but American (she was born in Chicago IL) is stupid. I am going to have to just go ahead and say that there are plenty of reasons to vote for and against different people in this race. I'm not even saying you should vote for Obama or vote Democratic or vote at all. But if you let these kinds of accusations make your choice for you, then I think something is truly wrong and you probably don't have the intelligence to vote.

Risk

"Anything worth getting is worth risking for, but not everything with risk is worth getting."

Lately...

So it would seem that I have been kind of absent from the blog scene for a while. I haven't actually written in this thing as much as I promised myself that I would. I would like to say that a lot has happened but it really hasn't. My life's not a very eventful one in truth, lately I have just been going to work, coming home and hanging out here and that's it. Probably the thing keeping me from doing this the most has been writing.

When I think about writing, I just get caught up and I can never pull myself away from what I am doing. Right now I am working on two stories. But one exciting little thing, I have some pictures to post of me and friends in Austin and San Antonio. Hope everyone likes those. Now for a little bit of whats been on my mind lately:

Its become painfully obvious how shallow people are and how much they'll lie to be liked. I wish I could just meet someone who didn't lie so that others like them. It seems like it should be something that is easy and all but its not, people strive to make sure that everyone likes them and they don't understand everyone can't like you. It just doesn't work that way.

At work its more obvious than anywhere else. This girl who's quitting, I can call her Beth; she's always trying to play herself up. She talks about the thing's she's doing not as if she's just talking about what she did, but as if she's saying "hey look what I can do." It's obnoxious. She goes on and on about managing this band and the other day she got really rude with me after I voiced and opinion on something which I don't find funny. She asked did I listen to a radio station here and town and I said not since they fired everyone and changed out the people.

Then she mentioned the morning show on there, which used to have real substance and talk about stuff related to music or just about different interesting things. She talked about how she loved the new show, which every time I hear it is just talking about sex in some form or another. I'm not that kind of person that has to hear about sex all of the time and I didn't make a comment about, I just said I didn't like it.

She flies off the handle asking me if I had ever hung out with him or talked with him (the radio announcer). I just replied that I wouldn't want to. She was pissed for the rest of the day...this is why I am so glad she's quitting.

STOP IT!

It's been a little while, I know, since I have written anything that wasn't just a preview for something else, but there's not much going on that I want to talk about. Life's not been at it's happiest and I don't really see much reason to talk about most of that here. One thing will say; I am really sick of campaign commercials. There's really something annoying about hearing them one million times in a single day, and its like the same four commercials. I can't wait until this dies down some, I guess this is just a hint of what we will be dealing with coming late October.

Birthday Blog

For those who don't know, this is a blog warning them, this week end is my birthday and I plan to be in the Austin /San Antonio area. I'll be twenty-two and I have some plans for what I want to do and most of it just involves seeing people. But on top of that, I just need to get away from Houston for a while. I think staying in this city for too long is poison.

That having been said, there are plenty of sanctioned activities and always some that are off limits. Activities that are off limits include anything:

Anything involving hookers or strippers

Anything involving heights

Anything involving horses

Anything the cops might hit me over the head or taze me for

Anything that alerts the FBI to my music downloading habits

That's pretty much my list...hope to see you all soon.

Not Another Valentines Day Blog

Fuck this holiday!

Don't worry, not this year. I actually have nothing to say about today or today's goings on. My job was pretty much like it usually would be, except with people passing out candy from time to time. But I wanted to come on here and tell all of you about my recent coloring fit, along with my plan to heighten my productivity. I plan to have a story done by the end of lent, for those of you who don't know, that is Easter.

I feel like this is a realistic goal, but I will still go back and edit after it is done. I don't feel like I was writing enough for the last part of the last year, there were many distractions and with me moving out next week, I think I will have much more free time to write than I have in the past. So look for things to be posted here from my newest story, as if anyone cared.

A few days ago I was bored so I watched Juno, I went in not knowing what to expect but I was pretty pleasantly surprised to say the least. I have been listening to some of the songs from the movie although they're probably not for everyone (I never was much of a Moldy Peaches fan before but I respect them) but it has a unique sound and the movie is really cute and heart warming. Not sure what they were really trying to get at, but from what I can tell its like a Knocked Up for kids. Not that the description I gave is something most people would want to hear.

Also in honor of the holiday but as usual, one day late, I am going to Austin for Valentines Day. It should be really fun, I cleaned my car out because I had the seats taken out to do some moving, but I will be putting them back in because it looks silly with out them really. I am hoping that getting out of town tomorrow and just being able to do something like this provides me with some much needed rest from the day to day grind.

Well for the first time in February here I am posting, and here I am signing out.

Metaphor

During one of the many talks that Prentiss and I have had we discussed a metaphor of sorts. Something that he actually posted on this blog over a year ago. Back then it rung true and it brought clarity and light to a situation that I was in. It painted things in a light that made it seem less like I was some kind of bad guy, because back then the girl in question did just that. I won't name her, because there's no point in speaking the name of someone that heartless. But there is merit in reposting what Prentiss said.

For one its a very neat saying and it should be in a book somewhere, a book about dating or something. I see so many guys going through this and I just know that if there were someone to tell them this they might understand what they need to do or at least not feel so alone.

So here it is:

A woman has a close male friend. This means that he is probably interested in her, which is why he hangs around so much. She sees him strictly as a friend. This always starts out with, you're a great guy, but I don't like you in that way. This is roughly the equivalent for the guy of going to a job interview and the company saying, You have a great resume, you have all the qualifications we are looking for, but we're not going to hire you. We will, however, use your resume as the basis for comparison for all other applicants. But, we're going to hire somebody who is far less qualified and is probably an alcoholic. And if he doesn't work out, we'll hire somebody else, but still not you. In fact, we will never hire you. But we will call you from time to time to complain about the person that we hired.

Cheetos

Here's to that special someone who makes sure to never wash or lick their hands until done with the cheetos, just so they have that chance to lick the excess cheese from the tip of their fingers.

Darkness

It's one thirty in the morning and I was hauling the trash out to the end of the drive way. If you have ever been here you have seen how long that could take. Well before I went out I noticed my dog barking but she is always doing that, so I ignored her. I go outside and then almost immediately when I get out there I have this super uneasy feeling. Not the same uneasy feeling I have almost constantly now (thank you LIFE), but this was something else. It felt sinister.

I don't think I have ever felt like that before, it reminded me of a dream that Brandon told me about. He said that there was something in the dream that just felt pure evil, like darkness being right there next to him. That's how it felt outside. It felt like the world outside was wrong, too quiet, the wind was gone and suddenly its very warm compared to what it was like earlier. The sky was too bright, yet the street and my yard seemed too dark. Every shadow seemed to extend further than it should have and the whole world seemed out of whack out there.

I had to put out three cans, it would usually take me fifteen minutes and I would listen to music while doing it and have a little fun with it. I didn't turn on my music tonight. I didn't think about anything else besides getting the job at hand done and getting my ass back in doors. Almost suddenly when I got back inside I felt right again. I don't know what that was I felt, I walk out into that yard every day on the way to work and I have never come across something like that.

And I hope I never do again.

Skin Deep?

Working retail has taught me something about costumer service. And its basically this, the better looking the person, the better they get treated, this is a general thing. Now this doesn't always apply, for instance, I work on the phones so its hard for me to judge how someone looks. But when it comes to people on the sales floor its pretty obvious.

Case in point there are a lot of times when I come back and look around and the guys in the back will be standing around, not selling anything, not even trying to help a costumer. Basically they won't try to help until prodded. Where as when a cute girl comes in suddenly they're employee of the month. A good example is when Lauren came into my store, she had more than four people trying to help her. Where as usually you have to work to get just one.

I think that in a way we're all guilty of this, when it comes to beautiful people in general. Pretty people get treated like there's something truly special with them, and there really isn't besides the fact they are pretty. Its funny to note, that pretty women will get put on such a pedestal that they think they're unattractive because guys won't talk to them. Now in the guy's head she's too pretty. In her head the lack of attention means she's ugly. Guys will seemingly avoid them sometimes and if they are trying to talk to them, its a very careful conversation.

I often wonder how many people notice that they are being treated differently solely based on looks?

Fear

Fear is a great thing, its one of those emotions that while it seems bad serves a good purpose. Last night I had a dream that confirmed for me a fear that I have had for a long time. I dreamt I lost someone, not to death or something like that, but just lost them as a friend. Someone I cared dearly about. It was bad how it happened, it was awkward and the dream seemed out of place but maybe it was there to show me something. I have had two dreams recently, both involving fear, different kinds of fear.

This last one was about me having a going away party, and some people were there, some of the people from work were there too, which was odd because they weren't the people from work I usually hang out with. Well there were different tables we were all sitting at, and over the course of time someone I really wanted to just see before I went where ever, got up and walked over to the other table and just didn't talk to me again. Instead of having fun I spent the whole night watching and hoping they would come back, it felt so odd.

The other dream was at the fault of Cloverfield which I discussed in the previous blog. I dreamt something was attack this city, not Houston or some other city I have ever seen (none of the landmarks made sense) but we were running from it. And I remember thinking to myself that I just need to make sure that "she" makes it. The person was right there with us, yet my concern was keeping her safe. And what got me was that I feel like this is how I would really act. I disregard my own safety all too often, not sure why I wouldn't do it again.

But I remember the fear I felt when I thought that some harm could befall this person and that feeling was probably the worst dread I have ever felt in a dream. Fear is what the basic Fight or Flight notion is based on. But when you fear for someone else the only logical choice is to fight. Now, the only real question is...

How the Hell do I apply this to a real world setting?

Cared?

Cloverfield was a pleasant surprise of a movie, the kind of thing you expect to be okay and it turns out being so much better. The movie was pretty impressively realistic, with good special effects, but not so good as to overshadow the real point of the movie. Now don't worry about spoilers, I'm not going to discuss the movie at all except to say something about the basic premise.

How far would you go to save someone who you cared about? That's the basic set up of the movie. You have these ordinary people, everyday twenty-somethings and they are thrust into this world of chaos, confusion and terror. There were times in the movie when my heart would almost stop in the movie just because I could imagine how it would feel to be in that situation, with people I care about.

Prentiss and I always joke about our plan for when Zombies attack, we never actually thought of giant monsters. But this raises still more questions, who would you save if this really happened? How far would you go to save someone that you loved, someone who you wanted to tell you loved?

One thing I will say, regardless of how much of a spoiler this might be to some of you more sensitive types. But the amount of courage displayed by all of these characters is admirable. It's the kind of thing that we need to see more of in the world around us. And the lesson here...is the kind of lesson we need to see more of in movies. So often we see movies where the bad guy is against an impossibly collected and cool hero, someone who we can't honestly identify because they're not like us.

This time, we see real people, in an unrealistic situation, go and risk their lives to save someone they care about. I won't tell you how it turns out. I won't even sprout off some of my favorite lines. What I will say is go see this movie and then tell someone you care about how you really feel.

A Wall

I'm at the end of my rope with this, it really doesn't do me any good to keep chasing after people who obviously don't want to be friends. For all my effort and pushing, the lack of friendship I get in return is just horrid. I feel like an idiot for trying this long, for entertaining the thoughts in my head so far.

What I honestly thought to be a good solid friendship wasn't the same to the person on the other end. People are fickle and will forget any thing thats right in front of them. You're only good it seems so long as you have a use and when that use has run out or isn't there, what reason does anyone have to keep you around? You used to be so kind to me, say such nice things. Everything is so forced now, so coarse.

I hate how you ignored my obvious friendly gestures and keep try to keep things as impersonal and sterile as possible. It makes me feel like I did something wrong, like I wasn't good enough. Which is a feeling I know all too well and I would spend days trying to just think of what to say to make it better. Did you mean to do all this, did you mean to make me feel as if the person I thought you were isn't really there at all? I'm wondering if what I am seeing now is the changed you or the real you.

Either way, I don't think I can have any part in it, I think I was ready to accept who ever you were that came back to me, except for when you're like this. Because really, all that seems to be happening is you're trying harder and harder to push me away. And its working.

Eulogy

Those of you who know me know that, writing or speaking, I am not often at a loss for words. Preparing this eulogy was not easy for me. This is indeed a sad day for all of us. My brother meant something different and special to each and every one of us. In loosing John we have lost a son, a father, a brother, a husband, an uncle and a friend. While sharing our grief with one another will help us ease our burdens, I think John would prefer we remember the good times.

John was a man with a schoolboy's heart, a novelist's eye and an artist's soul. He was the kind of person you could talk to about anything because he would never judge you. He lived his life by is own rules and made no apologies for it. You either GOT John or you didn't. He was fine either way. He could be immature at times but the truth is he never lost touch with his inner child.

He was my big brother. Being as close in age as we were John and I had many of the same close friends. We were two years apart in school and even shared some of the same teachers along the way. In at least two cases (Mrs. Washington in fifth grade and Mrs. Johnson in high school World History) John set a standard that I was told, in no uncertain terms, I could not measure up to. Those two ladies GOT John.

Our closeness might have created a fertile environment for sibling rivalry. But our Dad always told us we had to stick together through thick and thicker and we did. As a child I remember him as both a guardian angel and a co-conspirator. Depending on the day we could be the dynamic duo or Frank and Jessie James. We laughed, cried and sometimes fought together the way all brothers do. But even when we were at odds we always knew we had each other's back.

I followed him in the Army Reserve and we served for a time in the same unit. We were brothers-in-arms as well as brothers. John was proud of his service and regarded himself as a soldier all his life.

He brought that same devotion to his friendships. As those of you who were friends with John know, he was not Will Rogers. He met people he didn't like and he wasn't afraid to tell them. On the other hand if you were his friend then you were his friend until December 25, 2007. He was a very loyal friend. He always found time for his friends; they held a special place in his heart and he would go to the ends of the earth for them.

So many people have asked what they can do to help ease the pain of this loss. The answer is nothing. You see this isn't the first time I have lost someone who meant the world to me. So I know time will ease the pain but it won't go away. I will draw closer the brother I have left, my family and our friends many of whom were like family to both John and I for so many years. That won't take John's place in my heart but hopefully it will fill the space.

While nothing will erase our pain, I will ask you all for one thing on John's behalf. I know my brother left lots of things undone and there are other things he never had a chance to start. He was a young man living, like most of us, with the belief that he had plenty of time. My request to those of you asking what you can do to help is simply this: Do something you keep putting off. Go on that once in a lifetime vacation. Run the marathon. Learn to ski. Go dog sledding. Whatever it is take the time and do it. Do this in honor of John and for yourself.
Leave as little un-done as you can.

Finally, let's be thankful for all the special moments that my brother has left us and for the way that he touched each and every one of us and changed our lives. I hope that John will continue to live on in all our hearts and minds.

Obituary

John Aurthur Caynon Junior was born in Fort Pierce, Florida on February tenth, nineteen sixty-five. He was the firstborn of three children from the union of John and Margie Caynon.

he attended Andrew Carnegie Elementary and Edgar Allen Peo Elementary, HISD, schools in Houston, Strack Middle and Klien High, KISD schools in Spring, Texas. He also attended the University of Houston.

In school, John was a Boy Scout, ran track, played the violin, and was introduced to computers and the world of technology. He also studied woodworking and demonstrated a special talent for anything mechanical.

At age seventeen, he became a member of the Army Reserve, serving in the 4005th US Army Hospital Unit as a radiology technician. He was deployed in support of Operation Just Cause and Desert Storm. he received the following awards and decorations; Army Commendation Medal, National Defense Ribbon, Expert Rifleman, and Expert Grenadier.

John married Luz, Gabriella on October 31, 2001, and made his home in San Antonio, Texas. To this union, a son Jon was born in 2002.

Everyone who knew John knew that he was a nonconformist; his occupations did not reflect his talents. Hon was a gifted artist whose creative streak ranged from, drawing and painting to digital media. He was a gifted mechanic as well and he loved technology. The running joke among the family and friends was that there was nothing "high tech" John didn't want or believe he didn't needed.

On December 25, 2007 John died at the age of 42, from complications resulting from an automobile accident on May 19, 2007. He is survived by his wife Luz Caynon; Son Jon Caynon; father Dr. John Caynon and wife Dr. Josephine Session; brothers Justin and Jeffery Caynon; sister in law; Gail Caynon; sister, Rhonda Session Waldon; nieces and nephews, Jacob, Jessica, Jennifer, John and Joseph; and a host of aunts, uncles, cousins and friends. He also leaves special friends Anne Ortiz and Kristina Belcher.

He is preceded in death by his mother, Margie Virginia Caynon, and bother maternal and paternal grandparents.

After the funeral when we were just sitting around drinking and talking one of Johns friends Chuck said, "You know you're brother loved you alot and spoiled you rotten; if you're half the man your brother was, you'll make a great guy." He was pretty drunk but I don't think truer words were spoken that night. My brother is loved and will be missed, but he'll never be forgotten.

There Are No Christmas Miracles

I haven't really spoken about it to many people, those of you who don't know its probably because I just hate the look people give me when they respond. I hate the fact that this had to happen of all times, on Christmas day. I guess I should go back and explain myself. My brother, John Caynon Junior died at 11:40 on Christmas night. He died alone in a San Antonio nursing home while still in a coma. The call came just before midnight. I think even when the phone was ringing I knew it was trouble.

I think that my brother and I were close, because we had a lot of fun together, even when we argued or fought. He was one of the strongest people I know, he's been to Iraq, he's been shot (not while there) and he's been through alot. He was a hard worker and he really did care but he hated to show it. He liked to make people laugh and laugh and it showed when you really got to know him.

I think I needed some time to sort all of this out in my head. I think that at first the shock was so much that I just kept going at normal pace. I kept running through everything doing what I could, being the person I've been for a long time now. I was already upset with Christmas, I feel like this year has just been, well the worst year ever. Even when my mom died that year still didn't seem like anything else bad happened. But this year I have lost friends, lost a brother, right now I have a friend who might be dying in a hospital bed of cancer, things keep getting worse and worse and I am just trying to look for the light at the end of the tunnel.

I don't try to remain positive, that's not me, I don't work well when people are too hopeful and positive, I'm the kind of person God made to offset that. My oldest brother is gone and I'm so shocked...I still felt like he was here even when he was in the coma. My good friend Meina is in the hospital and her courage and positive attitude should be a reminder to us all what someone can do if they have the will.

But in the back of my mind, I think I know now that all the movies were wrong, miracles don't happen on Christmas. Christmas is just another day of the year...its nothing special to anyone up in Heaven or down in Hell just because we slapped a day on some calender. Real miracles happen everyday, you just have to look for them. Maybe the miracle was John getting to see Mom again, not sure really. But I guess I know he's at peace and he knows how much we all love him. In Meina's case, we can still hope for a miracle, she can still come home.

But I guess, as they say, that's all in God's hands.

I'm A Fake

Intro to "I'm a fake" by the Used

Small, simple, safe price.

Rise the wake and carry me with all of my regrets.

This is not a small cut that scabs, and dries, and flakes, and heals.

And I am not afraid to die;

I’m not afraid to bleed and fuck and fight,

I want the pain of payment.

What’s left, but a section of pygmy sized cuts.

Much like a slew of a thousand unwanted fucks.

Would you be my little cut?

Would you be my thousand fucks?

And make mark leaving space for the guilt to be liquid.

To fill and spill over and under my thoughts.

My sad, sorry, selfish cy out to the cutter.

I’m cutting trying to picture your black, broken heart.

Love is not like anything.

Especially a fucking knife.

Even If It Kills Me

I’ve got a lotta things to do tonight


I’m so sick of making lists


Of things I’ll never finish


I’ve lived here for the last 12 years


Since early 1995 all my shit has been in boxes


But if I had a little more time to kill


I’d settle every little stupid thing


Yeah you’d think that I would



But I’m too tired to go to sleep tonight


And I’m too weak to follow dreams tonight


For the first time in a long time I can say


That I want to try to get better and


Overcome each moment


In my own way



I wonder if I’ll ever lose my mind



I tried hard for awhile


But then I kind of gave up


Winter is killer when the sun goes down


I’m really not as stubborn as I seem


Said the knuckle to the concrete


But I’m too tired to go to sleep tonight



And I’m too weak to follow dreams tonight



For the first time in a long time I can say


That I want to try to get better and


Overcome each moment


In my own way



I’m not saying that I’m giving up


I’m just trying not to think


As much as I used to


Cause never is a lonely little messed up word


Maybe I’ll get it right some day


For the first time in a long time I can say


That I want to try


I feel helpless for the most part


But I’m learning to open my eyes


And the sad truth of the matter is


I’ll never get over it


But I’m gonna try


To get better and overcome each moment


In my own way




I sure want to get back on track


And I’ll do whatever it takes


Even if it kills me

PC

So this story starts out with this strange need for me to play Metal Gear Solid for the Game Cube, I found out the game stop near my house had it and when I went to pick it up they IDed me, whats more is the guy who worked there has known me for like, ten years. He even knew it was me coming to get it. Now more recently he's taken to looking like Grizzly Adams, but that's besides the point.

I ask him what's with the new policy and if they had some trouble out of kids buying games when they're underaged. For those who don't know, games much like music and movies have a rating system, the ratings are fuzzy at times because so many of them seem unnecessary. But the system has been in place since the early nineties and has to be on any game sold in the United States after then.

The game I brought was rated, M for Mature. When I asked the guy behind the counter he said that they had to check every ID and he went on to say that it was because since Hilary Clinton was running for office she was stepping up her campaign against the gaming industry. Not sure if any of you really thought about what I just said there. But take this to heart, if this is the case and you must ID for mature video games, that means video games are more dangerous than fucking cigarettes. That means they're more dangerous than alcohol, both of which kill countless people a year.

I mean how stupid does that sound? Or is it just me. The gaming industry has caught a lot of shit for being too unpoliced. More often than not its the parents who should catch shit for it. The government shouldn't have to tell a store what to sell me, a grown person. We're not talking about air port check points, this is a video game store. What's worse is I don't see it getting any better for anything. There's talk of making any movie with smoking rated R.

That would mean your kids couldn't pick up a copy of 101 Dalmatians because Davile, in the movie, smokes. Political Correctness is a virus that's infected this world and is drowning us.

Identification Verification

It seemed that as far as Dee was concerned a little exposure went a long way, she needed to stay out of the overly watchful eye of others. She had a certain knack for attracting the attention of people who she really didn’t want seeing her.

Tonight was a rainy, the overcast clouds seemed to dip down and scrap across the tops of the buildings even. On the roof of this hospital Dee could stand under the large decorative cover and be just out of the rain. The wind still passed under and whipped through her hair every once in a while.

The dark curls swayed and bounced and hit her in the face some of the time as she just stood and smoked her cigarette. The Angel of Death had little to worry about as far as lung cancer was concerned, but she still took some comfort in smoking, the smell more than the feeling it brought her.

She polished off a long thin cigarette to the point where the rain had pretty much ended its run and let it fly from the rooftop with a sigh. As she reached for the next one she felt her cell phone ring, she slipped the Bluetooth ear piece on under her hair and then answered, “Go ahead.”

The voice on the other end was chipper, a young girl with a British Accent, “Yeah I thought you said that they had good food in this city…”

“They do Madeleine,” Dee said softly, “You just have to know where to look.”

Madeleine’s voice on the other end of the phone seemed louder suddenly, “But it seems to all be Mexican,” she paused, “I don’t like Mexican.”

“Have you tried Soul Food?” Dee asked.

“What’s that?”

“For a person who doesn’t have to actually eat since they’re not even alive you’re picky as Hell,” Dee quipped.

“You’re picky about those damned cigarettes of yours and you don’t even have to breathe…” Madeleine retorted.

Dee nodded, “Alright, you win this one,” she fumbled for a cigarette now that she had been reminded, “But let’s just try and go out and get something together, I can be back there in a few minutes…”

“I’m starved, just bloody teleport here!” Madeleine said.

“I would but I’m not that far along yet.”

“How much of your power would you say has returned?” now she could hear Madeleine tapping on a table or something.

“I would have hoped it’d be about twenty five to forty percent,” Dee sighed, “But it feels more like about ten…”

“But considering your rank and the amount of power you have, you’re still going to be strong.”

Dee sighed again, “Its just that I miss some things…”

Madeleine laughed, “Don’t worry, you’ll be back soon enough,” she paused, “Think I’m going to watch something on the telly, hurry and get back.”

Dee smiled, “Alright, Maddy,” the phone clicked as she hung up and just as she was reaching for the ear piece there was a flash of lightening and then an impact. Something hit her hard in the middle knocking her into the air and through the large covered atrium of the hospital. Her body flipped and she lost the Bluetooth in the night.

Rain pelted her as she rolled through the air and instinctively she opened her huge white wings and brought herself into a dive to pick up speed before swooping back up. She searched around the skies for the culprit of the hit, she’d seen a form only briefly before being the impact.

Off in the distance she heard a strange voice, “You should have expected this, bitch!” the voice sounded almost like two voices at once.

Dee made back and flew straight for him, her arms out at her sides, “What kind of person just flies into someone like that?”

There was a bout of laugher, “Why I do of course!”

Dee slammed into him from the side and as she did she was met with force on her end. The two of them tumbled down through the rain rolling about in the air. As she took her punches at him her fists burned red hot with flames, one of the other descriptions she had as the Angel of Death was the Angel of Fire and Destruction. She could control most fire with just a thought, Pyrokenesis.

Her opponent didn’t seem phased from what she could see, he kept on swinging back, one of them landed square in her eye and she winced, they were hard hits for a regular Angel or Demon to be doing.

The two of them were nearing the ground and when Dee looked back the other creature kicked off of her knocking her down into the top of a small fast food joint, she landed back first laying there, her opponent landed standing over her, she could see now that it was the tall lanky man she’d come across earlier.

He smiled down at her as he put a hang around her neck, his coat was open and his chest was vacant of any other kind of covering. There was a large tattoo covering most of his chest, “This is disappointing,” he said, “The new Angel of Death…I hope you're better in bed than you fight, then maybe you could at least give me something to leave here with...”

Dee’s hand went down to the gun at her side, she kept it more often for confrontations with Humans but it would buy her some time here, “If you want me so bad come take me…” she opened fire hitting him in the face, neck and chest several times. He loosened up and she got her feet back and kicked him up off of her.

The lanky man flew back up into the sky, his wings were black she could tell now, judging by the tattoo and the wings she could tell who she was dealing with, “One of Satan’s Elite Guard? Hm you’re not my type anyway.”

He was writhing in pain, clawing at his wounds, “You insolent whore, what’ve you done to me?”

“The bullets are iron and have a hollow Holy Water tip,” Dee said, “They’d kill a bottom feeder demon, but for big shots like you I’d just expect there to be a little stinging.”

“Hm, it would seem you are prepared…” he said.

“Yeah and if you want to wait around I’ll have half of Heaven down here to kick the shit out of you for breaking the treaty…” she paused for a moment to remember the exact line, “Those in Satan’s Elite guard are strictly prohibited from attacking any member of the six Arch Angels…the war is over, and has been for some time now.”

“You know your treaty little girl,” he said.

“I’m the keeper of all contracts in Heaven and Hell.”

“And it would seem you live up to it, Death,” now the lanky man sighed, “But my attack was only to see if you were who you seemed to be, this isn’t a military action, no we’ve got our hands too full in Hell for that.”

“Hands full in Hell,” Dee repeated, “What’s going on?”

The lanky man folded his arms, his pain seemed to have subsided now, “There’s a new war brewing, and before long it might spread back to Heaven…rival factions in Hell.”

“Why hadn’t God notified us?” Dee asked.

The lanky man smiled, “He has his way of doing that from time to time.”

“And who might you be?” she asked.

“Asmodeus the Lustful,” he answered.

“Makes sense,” Dee started to pace around, “So do you have the proof you need?”

He nodded, “The proof is sufficient…”

She holstered her gun, “Then leave me be,” as she said this he just nodded and vanished in a flash of light. Dee hunched her back over and opened her wings shaking them dry as best she could before taking off again to fly off into the night.

Last Night

Last night things seemed to happen in so much of a slow motion. Usually she turned down the invitation to go to a party, I’m not sure what made things different this time but I doubt it matters. The whole thing was going down at a friend’s house on a cold autumn night.

I was frustrated when I met her there, I wasn’t sure what to expect from her. Things had been going down hill for a long time, the fall that never ends. Why was it so hard for us now? We’d been best friends for years and when we started to date for a while things suddenly took this turn.

She was dressed in a thin black dress with white polka dots, there was a little tie up ribbon around the waist. Her hair was down, as it always was. She had this thing about ponytails, she was just against them for some reason.

Her face was stretched to a forced smile, her front teeth showing, they were bigger than they should have been and it just gave her this cute sincere look. I should have known better than to take that as the truth, though.

The music was loud and I could barely hear it as she yells to me, “Glad you could make it Perry,” her green eyes shine up at me. Something in her voice made me nervous, even before the party was off in full swing I wanted to be out of the crowded house, I wanted to be home alone studying for the test next week. This party became a prison, the people barring me in. I’d climb the walls for oxygen.

“Thanks for calling me up,” I lean in to give her a kiss instinctively, she pulls back at first as if its instinct and but the mark still lands square on her cheek. As she nervously brushes the maroon hair down from her face she starts to bounce with the music. Now I yell to her, “You look so beautiful in that dress, just perfect tonight.”

A half hearted smile spreads across her lips, her lightly tanned face catches the dim light in a way that shows that one dimple she has that’s deeper than the other. “Why don’t we just dance?”

I take her hand and she leads me out to the dance floor, I’m looking her up and down and somehow I know what’s coming. I push the thought back and I bury it under everything I can inside of my head. Thoughts of school, the idea that I really can’t dance; anything at all to push those fucking feelings of regret down. Is it that I’m coming on too strong?

I’ll wait, but I’m too tired to play pretend, I’m too tired to climb this wall or claw for the air at the top of this tank anymore. I’ll suffocate until the end. We start to dance, as innocently as we can. More innocent than we would have danced as just friends. Best friends turned lovers…better off where they started.

I attempt to get closer to her, my fingers run down through her hair. Her expression changes now, her eyes flinch nervously. She looks up and down my body. Her mouth is open only part of the way. She’s working up something inside, and I want anything to take those words away at this point.

With a little step I go to kiss the side of her neck, she tilts her head up and as my lips meet her warm skin she places one hand on my waist. She whispers something in my ear, but the message is unclear. She steps back and motions outside. I trail her closely from behind as she tries hard not to cry. She shakes underneath the newly fallen pouring rain.

My voice is barely audible, “Ashley…” I go to touch her shoulder.

“I can’t compete with all your damn ideas,” her first words bite into my core, “This isn’t working out for you and me; and the truth is I’m too tired to play pretend. This is goodbye, this is the end.”

Funny Thing...

Funny thing about pictures, they can bring back memories you'd long since forgotten, or maybe you let them go because the memory itself it too painful.


I looked through some old pictures today, and I remembered part of the things that made me start to want something I probably should have known was out of the question.

The Spill Canvas

I had the notion that you'd make me change my ways
My bad habits would be gone in a matter of days
I had the feeling that you'd open up my eyes
To a whole new world that had since been in disguise

But that day will most likely never come for me
And it's just my luck to end up getting stuck
To everything you are

So tonight I'll sit and pick apart your pictures
And overanalyze your words
But the truth is that I've never fallen so hard
It's taking everything in me
Just to forget your sweater so far

I had the notion that you'd make me forget the world
But your undecisive mind shows me that
You are "just another girl"
I had the feeling that those looks you gave me were real
What if I ripped your heart apart at the seams
Maybe then you'd know how I feel

But that day will most likely never come for me
And it's just my luck to end up getting stuck
To everything you are

So tonight I'll sit and pick apart your pictures
And overanalyze your words
But the truth is that I've never fallen so hard
It's taking everything in me
Just to forget your sweater so far

I can honestly say
That I never, ever, ever felt this way
Your lips, your eyelashes, your skin
These are the parts of your body
That cause my comatose to begin

I can honestly say
That I never, ever, ever felt this way
Your lips, your eyelashes, your skin
These are the parts of your body
That cause my comatose to begin

I will sleep another day
I don't really need to anyway
What's the point when my dreams are infected
With words you used to say
I will breathe in a moment
As long as I keep my distance
I wouldn't want to go messing anything up

So don't go worrying about me
It's not like I think about you constantly
So maybe I do, but that shouldn't affect
Your life anymore
I knew it the moment you walked into the door

So don't go worrying about me
It's not like I think about this constantly
So maybe I do, but that shouldn't affect
Your life anymore
I knew it the moment you walked into the door

I'll let you get the best of me
Because there's nothing else that I do well
I'll let you get the best of me
Because there's nothing else that I do well
I'll be the giver and you'll be the taker
I guess that's how this one's gonna go I'll be the giver and you'll be the taker
You've got me down on my knees and I proclaim
All hail the heartbreaker

Irony and Insanity

They say that irony is the lynch pin of comedy, but I don't see anything to laugh at. They say that insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results, I don't think I've reached the point yet. But I can feel that I am close to insanity. How I wish so badly I was wrong. That I was a man who I could say believed that men and women could be friends without it going any further than that or getting ruined.

Sometimes I want to think that girls are so gullible and yet so unwilling to try the one thing that might actually work for once. They're not even willing to take a chance on the people who tell them the truth, the guys that would never hurt them. Maybe the irony here is the masochistic way in which we all behave. The way I have behaved, I stupidly let girls walk into my life only knowing that there is too often the potential there for me to get walked on and over.

And I know full well I am capable of shutting people out, it comes with being artistic and the like. But I never have the heart to do it. And that's the true root of the insanity and irony in this little situation. Killing off a kind nature is so much harder than just being nice after being mean for a long time.

They don't understand what they're doing, they don't know it some of the time and yes we all have our own problems. It drives you insane. But it gets to the point where you want so badly to show them that you never want them in your life again and somehow at the same time, you know the real irony is, you'd want nothing more than to have them there forever.