Erections And Vaginal Fluid

For the first time since I subscribed to Blogger there was a problem last night. Blogger has been shoveling shit at me for like a day in a half. Well I make sure that no matter where I am posting, the blogger posts are up to date. That's just because that's how I am. Well not much has been going on. For the last few days I have been working on writing something, just a little bit on the story. Yes, the same story that I have had to restart so many times.

It would seem that this time of year there are so many different things flying around, people are out trying to find someone to hook up with for the approaching holiday. I choose to more or less ignore it, since I have had soem pretty bad Valentine's Days, everything that can go wrong has, short of losing a limb.

It's funny, things that you notice about people when you talk to them about relationships. Everyone I know seems to have a different opinion on things. I remember a time when I used to use my blogger account for mostly discussing gender issues, and I remember all of the arguments that started. I really wouldn't call them arguments as much as I would heated debates.

I enjoyed those conversations; I'd actually would like to replicate some of them on here.

One thing that I have noticed lately is that many times when I am on my art site people will complain about how there are so many cam whores on deviant art. I mean it might seem like that, but there is a lot of good stuff too. Some of these people still will complain about how the rules on DA are different for men and women. If you photograph a nude woman the rules state that there can't be an over abundance of vaginal fluid. I'm pretty sure that's easy enough to take care of. Well the rule for men is that the penis can never be photographed erect.

Simple enough, right? Well some guy got on the forum on DA last week stirring up a contreversy over how men were treated when they did nude photography. I don't really see a problem with the rule, people already take advantage of every other rule on that site, I mean I can show you pictures that shouldn't be up anywhere except for porn sites, drawings of Harry Potter orgies and the like. Not to mention the fucking furries parading around looking for furry rights.

So I just want to pose the question, does that rule seem fair to everyone?

Productivity.

Why the late update, you may be wondering? Well last night it seems that blogger was down. I went to bed pretty early for the last two nights in a row. When I was at Heather's I went to bed at 11:30 and last night I went to sleep around 2:30 in the morning, which is pretty early for me.

I'm going to stop running around at night so late though, I really have to, as a matter of a fact, I am going to stop going to hang out with people I don't like. Last night I got up and left my friends because it was just time for me to go, and I did. That's something I have been working on doing more often.

So much around here is changing and so much is falling apart and there are so many other important things that I could spend my energy on, I don't need to be up all night doing nothing, or out playing video games late. I mean at least when I come home and write I am doing something productive.

My Past Few Days

It's been a little while since I updated this, so instead of the normal bullshit I think I'll just tell you how things are going in my life. I'm starting to get scared that things are too much like last semester and now I am going to start trying to change that. Tomorrow I have class at three and I will be thereb right and early. I need to keep up and do my best. Not only that, I know that this month will be busy for me. I have that wedding to go to, which i'm starting to be kind of excited about.

I asked an old friend to go with me, so that's going good and I know that I'll be there seeing all of my old friends again in the same spot for the first time since God knows when. One thing I am worried about is having the cash to get there and back, I know I can get there, but the plan now is to leave here on the Saturday before, go to Austin and then go to Houston from there. I don't know how that's going to work out really. I haven't done that drive in a while, not since the summer when I had to see Mandi.

I also happened to meet a really cool girl, who I share a lot of interests in, she's one of Heather's friends and Heather is always talking about how we seem alike. I really don't think it will go anywhere. I mean I'm not trying, I actually have something else in mind right now, but more on that later.

Heather

Tomorrow will be the first time I've seen Heather in a while, I really need to talk to her about some things alone. Hope I have time

Something Just Told Me

Something she said just worried me, even though she said not to. Maybe I should just stand back and see where this goes, after all there was that sign and today was a good day.

I wanted to be worried about everything but I talked to Ashley today and after that something told me not to worry. I feel like there's something I should be worried about, but that when the time comes I'll have what I need to deal with it. Don't ask me why. I don't even get this, but all I know is that something will give soon.

Tomorrow I am kind of going on a date, not really, but just going out with a friend, I don't know what she thinks of me, and most of the time right now I am just trying not to be worried. But even through all of that, I had a great day. A friend feeling bad and I have a great day...does that make me a bad person?

Toliet Paper is Thicker Than Water

My favorite kind of night, cool and rainy, today I met a girl who I think I might want to start talking to, I hung out with some friends and I justh ad generally good conversation. Then when it seemed like a day I expected to be shit was turning out to be good something happens. I'm about to go to bed, its four forty five in the morning and I am winding down after a nice day. And it strikes, I need to go to the bathroom.

Well what should have taken no more than five minutes took nearly thirty when I got in the bathroom and found out someone had removed the last roll. I searched around for it and was forced to venture outside and try and use the neighborhood center, but its closed for constuction. Its raining so the path of least resistance is the best in this case. So I go over to the next dorm over, no one is at the front desk to let me in, and I know everyone working that desk.

So I was made to head into the further up neighborhood center. I was pissed about this. I can't take this kind of life, I can't deal with it or even understand what's going on here. I've pretty much made up my mind.

Nothing Day

When you can't walk, you crawl, and when you can't do that you find someone to carry you. Getting back up is a part of life and we just have to deal with it, whether you do it on your own or someone is there to drag you to a start.

I woke up late today and nothing has really happened all day, I realize the things that bothered me a year ago still do. I realize that no matter how hard I work I will always have someone to improve upon. People keep wanting to tell me sorry for what happened with me and the girl I gave the letter to, I don't feel so bad about it, as long as she and I are still friends that is. That is all I could ask for. Part of me wants to go off and ramble on some wild tangent, but nevermind. It's not worth it, today passed fast, very little happened and the little bit that did isn't worth telling.

Tomorrow I will hope for a better day, something interesting might happen, maybe something fun. I don't know yet. With the way my life has been so unpredictable its hard to say. But pretty soon here I will be going to bed. I did nothing and for some reason I could really use the rest.

A Sense of Self Affirmation

I just got done watching Se7en, I had forgotten how disturbing the movie was, its just creepy as hell,especially since at one point I wanted to go into law enforcement, I wanted to be an FBI Agent and all. One thing I can say is that it can be really noble work, but other times it can be terrifying, the things that can happen, the things you can see.

I also have ot say that Brad Pitt and Morgan Freeman did a terrific job, as did Kevin Spacey. I think this is the best I have seen him do. A lot of things in the movie really strike me as odd, I mean I never really thought about it, but there are so many things that are just bad we overlook in our day to dayl ives. Perhaps one of the worse is apathy, and its strange because I would rather ignore people because I find that most of the time I'm ignored by them. It's only when they see me ignoring them that they bid for my attention, and after a while they fall right back to their old ways.

Many times I feel like I am the least improtant person around, that is to say that I take a back seat to everyone else, and why shouldn't I? I am no one special. But then again isn't no one, isn't there not on unique snowflake out there? The only thing that makes us different than the rest of the animals is the way we so often try to set oursevles apart. More often than not its fear that causes us to do this, nothing more.

Another thing that I wanted to write about a little bit is just how stupid some orgainizations show themselves to be, namely the Atheist Agenda on campus, that is not to say all of the people involved are, but that is to say that they need to step back and look at their causes and convictions. They call themselves policing the religious groups around campus. The way I feel about this is that I really don't associate with any of the groups here, and I have no reason too. I'm Catholic, and a believeing Catholic, but I don't go to Catholic Student Group meetings.

With that said, I don't think anyone who calls themselves an Atheist has a right to go around and try to police anything unless it directly interferres with their day to day life. I hate having some fucker in a Santa Suit ring a bell in my face outside the Wal-Mart every Christmas, but if I start a group trying to police what they are doing someone will come kick me in the nuts because I don't need to be like that. I can just walk by. If you don't like what someone holding a Bible is yelling on campus, walk by. So long as they don't jump on you or attack you it should be fine.

No one is starting an anti-sports group to get onto people out there about how the sports teams do this, that and the other thing. Religons are a freedom we all have, pick on or don't. But isn't an atheist movement kind of against the whole, We believe in nothing creed. I mean atheism is a concious choice that people make, no matter that there has never been a culture to not believe in some higher force, no matter that the odds we would have all ended up here, plants, animals and rocks, where we are supposed to be, doing what we do are a billion to one.

It all goes back to that snow flake thing, atheists are doing that, but taking it to a new level, this whole human impowerment thing. It's not that they don't believe in God, its that they are their own God.. Don't kid yourself, without God you're nothing, and even then some of us still can't manage.

No One Fucking Tell Me Its Alright

I'm done, sick and fucking tired of people and I am done trying. This whole Goddamn world isn't worth the trouble of being in. And this place makes me feel lower than shit. Why do I try to form meaningful relationships? What the hell is wrong with me I should have learned by now. No one fucking tell me it gets better, because no it doesn't.

I'm going to walk away, nothing is right and nothing I am doing seems to work.

Everyoen seems to think that I am just talking about relationships, no that's not the case. I fail at everything and I know that even though I don't want to try and do anything I will continue because that's what I do, I waste my fucking time on things I should know better than to. Every girl that I like either hates me or is uninterested or something else. For those of you wondering, I did tell her and she's not interested. I can say right now that there's things a lot worse than that she could have said. And at least we're friends still. But this is a rare occasion, someone who didn't just want to use me emotinally and then walk away when it as convient for them.

I know now that she's not like that, and that's good. But I hate the feeling of knowing I'll probably never mean anything to anyone.

Ninjas Have Her Internet, Is He A Bad Enough Dude to Just Call Her and Tell Her.

She doesn't have access to the internet, she hasn't seen it yet, should I just call and tell her. Or am I too much of a coward?

Dynamic Entry

I just woke up a while ago, do you know what kind of dedication to sleep that shows? I think that for the first time in a long time my mind is clear. I talked to her and knowing that she is okay makes me feel so much better. Last night was a night for discussion, I haven't had a really good talk with someone that wasn't Heather and Greg in a long time. Not that you two don't count, you're the best. But you know what I mean.

So back to the phone thing, she said she does't have the internet right now, everything makes sense and my worrying about whether I royaly fucked up by sending that thing. I don't think I did now, its just a matter of waiting. She will be in town this week and I have a chance to see her and talk to her and get one of those fantastic hugs again.

Enough about that, sorry I'm getting all mushy here. I have good news though, I have started writing in my old fashion, the editing and the working at it. And all I need now is for someone to go over it and tear it apart. I think that I will ask Kay and Megan to do that just because they can go over something so much better than the normal person. Kay because her form and style is so well versed in how contemperary writing should work. And Megan because she can tell when the characters are fucked up, she and I made up most of them. And we wrote together before.

It's important to me to have them do this just because they are both better writers than me, Megan and Kay seem to haveh ad better training in every feild they are the best I know really!

Well I need to go, gotta get ready for a party. Party. Yay!

For those of you that are wondering about the title of this post, it comes from a move that Gai on Naruto does, its a kick and he shouts, Dynamic Entry! And I have long maintained that it sounds like a porn name.

There it is.

My Victory March

Here's the deal, I broke down and finally did it, I couldn't take the long hours of waiting to hear from her again, I had to be proactive, I had to tell her how it all felt for me on the inside. I won't show it, only a very few privileged people can see it and that's just because I don't want to spread the word around too far, I don't want to put her on the spot.

Since I wrote it and sent it I have been thinking about what she will say, how she will react, all of that stuff. I am so afraid that things will happen all over again how they did last time. I'm so scared that if that's the case I won't be able to take it. I mean her saying no I can handle, but her walking away, her just leaving me like so many others have, not even for this. That would tear me apart. I feel like I have lost so many of the people I called friends lately. And while I have gained some, I just wonder how long it will before these go bad on my like the others.

I don't want to be ngative right now, I just want to think happy things. As a matter of a fact I think I might drop an extremely edited version of what I sent her in here.

[EDITED]. I met you around the same time all of this started, around the time things really changed for me, and I know that I can't write it all out here. But let's just say that, You met me at a very strange time in my life, to quote a great movie. The strange thing was when I first met you I could tell already that you were the kind of person that I could hang out with, the kind of person I'd like to get to know.

Now after getting to know you a little better I can see that you are the type of girl that I look all over the place for. You said you want to find someone with a good outlook on life? Well thinking about you gives me one because I see that there are good people out there, people who aren't out for themselves or vindictive. Do you know that every time you were late to hang out or busy it was because you were helping someone else? Too often I'm around people who don't care about anyone other than themselves. Well I wanted to tell you that I've really started to care about you, as a matter of a fact I have been thinking about you for the past like week and a half. And the only reason I don't say anything is because I don't want to lose another friend.

Heather has convinced me that you're not that kind of person, and I know that I really knew it all along. The thing is I know we could be good together, I wouldn't ever do anything to make you cry, it tears me apart to see you cry and I wish I had a way to keep it from ever happening again. The first time I saw you cry I almost didn't sleep a wink that night because I was worried. I don't like seeing someone I care for upset.

I'll go ahead and wrap this up, and if you don't want to do this right now because you're just not ready or if I'm not you're guy tell me and I'll be fine with it. But if you want to just go out a few times I will gladly come up to [EDITED] and we can just go hang out somewhere and talk. Either way you're probably one of the best friends I've made in a long time.

There it is, not so bad, at least I didn't leave entire paragrpahs blacked out or something. Well anyway I really hope that she and I are at least still friends after she sees this. I guess I swore I would shake things up, but I know now no matter what I can't hide behind the past forever, and the people that did the things back then, they were different people. If I surround myself with supportive friends that aren't only out for themselves and try my hardest to work onthe things that I promised I would I will be better.

In thearpy lately things have been going well, I have been talking alot about my relationships with others. My doctor asked what I felt that I needed to work on and I definaltely thought that one of the things I needed to vastly improved was the way that I related to others. Too often I have been caught up in situations that should never happen. Like the other night when I walked out of the room angry while they were playing video games. I kknow that any reasonable person would have agreed with me, my only mistake was going down there in the first place. Because I can't stand how they act most of the time. Even with out my medication I can spot their psuedo macho bullshit from a mile away.

The reason I left is that we had well over ten people waiting in line to play a four player game. And suddenly someone decides let's do one on one. What they don't seem to understand is that we're playing on a public television. The way things usually work is there's four to a game, the winner stays in, and the three losers give the controller up. So if there are twenty people in all, sixteen in line and four in the game, So in five turns there would usually be one person left, everyone in the room will have had to have gone in six games. That's a long line, but its do able.

Now if you do one on ones, two in a match, 18 in line it will take at least 17 games after the first to acommidate everyone, not to mention that in a one on one there is less distraction so people generally last longer than they would in a four player match. But overcoming distraction is part of the skill of the game. If you want to show how bad you can trounce someone take that shit your room and play. Smash Bros in the Activity Center is for us to have fun and play around together. Its not to show off, there will always be shit talk but that's to be expected.

Things like that are when I know I need to gather my shit and walk the fuck out. I don't care for that kind of playing, I don't care for people trying to show off. I came to hang out and have a little fun, and there was no one there I was particually interested in talking to. So all I had tto entertain is well, the game.

Well I will just get off it, I don't give a shit about that really. What I care about is sixty some miles from here, and I hope that she knows it soon. Even if we do start to go out, even if this builds into something really nice, I know that there's no happily ever after, things will always be work. Even if it turns out to be love. Love exists, but Love is not a victory march. Love is something that is maintained through communication, care, and understanding.

I need to take my ass to bed.

My Downhill

Today has been shit, utter and painful shit. And through it all I realize how much I hate this world and these people, I want to be gone away from here, far away and I know that it can't happen. I want to be sleep right now, I want to drift away but I need to get this out, I need to do this last thing. Okay, I think I mentioned the party that I attended a few days ago with Heather, I met this amazing girl there, and its only becoming more and more clear how amazing but I don't even think I can do a damn thing about it.

It's not that I don't think I can, it's that even if I was motivated I wouldn't know what to do. And there's still my other friend, I never got to tell her how i felt, I never got to say anything to her about it. I don't know if I will. I suck at finding the right moment and I think I realize why, there is no moment when you can magically tell someone how you feel about them and they will just be enthrawled with you and fall head over heels.

The way it works is if you have money, or a good job, or a fast car or can offer some kind of service the average person will just take you, guy or girl, it doesn't matter as long as you fit the requirment the most need to have. It could be that you are good in bed, extremely gorgeous or that you can cook like nobody else. Someone out there will love you for it. Me, I can't do anything. What kind of woman love a writer. Let alone one like me.

Nicole told me to hang in there and that things would get better, as if there is going to be some sudden high point in my life. Sometime ago, I must have had some kind of high point, something that really peaked and was the greatest moment in my life. Something where I really could be proud. Now, after that, this is my twilight. I'm on my down hill slope now, things for me are just moving this direction because this is the only one to move.

Maybe when I accept that this will just be easier. But I don't think I can, I don't think I want to be this way and I know its hard not to. I don't know what to do. There is a lot going through my mind right now, if I fail at these next little instances I will know to give up, but there was a sign a while back, I spoke of it already. Maybe that really meant something...

Comeback of the Year

My first day of classes, and another turning point, I will no longer be using the Jack's title things, which doesn't mean forever, it just means for right now. I just think it gets boring and predicatable and I don't want to do it too often and kill it, I like to keep you guys on your toes and all.

So lets start where things leave off, I talked to Heather's friend Emily last night about some things, I really didn't talk as much as I listened and she had some interesting things to say about some people I met at a party the other day, some of the girls there thought I was cute. I don't know where they get this radical idea from, maybe we are dealing with a whole new breed of women here. But I really don't know what to say to it.

The rest of the day after that was basically the same thing, I went to lunch with Heather and Greg and then there was class, not really bad either. Class is much less boring than I had remembered. But it was only one class, and that is alot easier than the three I have to tomorrow. And tonight, tonight will be just one of those nights where I rest. I think people need a break from me, I don't know I just get that feeling. But maybe that's just me being paranoid.

Everyone is officially back here now and I have some people that I would really like to hang out with. Some other's not so much. But I think that I need to get to work just talking to people again. I am still trying my hardest to expand my circle of friends and I need to get to work on this and do it a little better.

I guess that's all I have today.

I Am Jack's Inquery

Today I have been trying to look on the positive side of things, and it just has not helped. Although I met and interesting girl the other day I know that it will go no where and I will be stuck in the friend zone. I hate it and I have come to expect it, so why can't things change?

I have gone a long time without medication, Heather thinks that might be it, I feel worse now than I did before that shit, is it really helping me? Or is it just building a dependance? I don't know, I need some time off.

I Am Jack's Old Aquantaince

Someone I used to know, I see them out of the corner of my eye, its hard not to. I glance, not stare. My mind wanders and I know that I just what I'll say if she decides to ask me anything, if she decides that she wants me to talk to her, to meet him. I used to think I knew you so well. I used to smile everytime I saw you. Now I dread it, I know that you hurt me so bad and you would probably say that I brought it on myself. All I ever did was tell the truth, I all I ever did to you was care for you, maybe that was too much. Maybe I should have treated you more like the guys you dated did, maybe I should have talked down to you and called you ugly, that's what you want right?

I don't know what to say, I thought we were so much better friends than this. And you always claimed that when you got a new boyfriend most of your friends abandoned you? No that's not it, you did it to them.

I Am Jack's Old Issue

Yesterday I felt something that I heven't felt in a long time, just this overwhelming darkness that comes out of nowhere and that I can't rightfully place. I want it to be gone, I want it to be out of my system but no matter how much I try nothing works, nothing seems to help. I know, I try to find the purpose in day to day things, I try to find some meaning and I try to make myself see why this happens or why this is the way it is.

Right now thinking on it doesn't seem to help, I feel like for some reason that I have lost my sense of purpose, that no matter what happens I am left out. It's hard to feel left out and then feel like you always have someone. I was telling Nicole this the other day, I just don't feel like there's anything I can do. Like there is nothing left to do.

Maybe this is just how my personality type functions, I don't think that it can be helped. Feeling alone and feeling like you have nothing to do. Last night I started to hurt I thought so hard, I felt bitter and angry and just like I didn't want to talk to many people, I didn't want to see anyone. The only reason I went out was because I didn't want Heather and Greg thinking I had blown them off. And because I thought Nicole would be there.

Right now I am starting to feel the same way. There's only one person I would care to talk to right now, anyone else can just forget about it. Already today I have had to deal with enough of people's shit and I am just tired of it. I want to move out of this dorm, I want to get away from all of this. And I am sick and tired of being stuck in a place where I have to run into friends who betrayed my trust and people who only care about themselves.

Sometimes I wish I could be selfish, I could go out and try without worry for others well being to get just what I wanted. I could have something for a little while that I wanted. I even wish that I could be naive and stupid and worry about dumb little things. I'm so lost and I don't know what to do anymore.

I Am Jack's Softer Side

And I need to take a pill to make this town feel okay...

Why is it when people I care about are hurt I can never do a damn thing about it? Why won't they even talk to me, on the off chance that I ask to hear you're problem I really honestly do care! I don't want you to think that its something I do out of sympathy, I really think you are worth my time.

I can't stress it, I can't even understand it. But I just have to say, know you're not alone.

Well I was going to talk about how my writing is going and how I have written about five different beginings to the same story to see which fit the best. And the one that I like the most will be what I go with. I am working on rediscovering my voice right now so writing is a little touch and go. And no I didn't call her yet, she is busy so Monday, Monday I will try. Or maybe Sunday night. Nervousness has turned into excitment, don't fucking ask me why. But it has. Oh and if you leave a comment on my blog please put your name and email in the blank so I can tell who the fuck it is and I won't think its someone else and freak out.

Softly now, you owe it to the world and everyone knows that you're my favorite girl...

I know, but I never get to do lyrics!

I Am Jack's Tangled Thoughts

What do you do when you can't get someone out of your head, when every second thought in your head is on that person and you know that you'll not be able to shake it. When I woke up this morning I really thought that I would be able to get out of going through this by default, maybe she would have plans, maybe I would get cancer...who knows what would have come along to save me.

Here's the thing, I would usually sit down here and just let my mind flow, but after tonight, after Starbucks and the Friday's I just have one thing flowing from my mind, and it is going to drive me insane if I don't get it out. Rught now all I want to do is tell her how I feel, how I would like to be there for her and help her through everything.

It's just why does it have to be so hard?

I want to just sit here and try to relay how I think; I really don't think I can get a girl like this, I really don't think I deserve it. I know that in my mind if I could just reach out I could try my hardest to balance everything. Because that's one thing that I think I can really do. Then I want to know how do I tell her, I know she's not every other girl, and she's not the same kind of girl who has walked off from me in the past when I just uttered anything about how I liked them.

I really want this, but I am starting to wonder if there is any way to do it, how would I go about it. There are just so many things to wonder about and I can't sort them out to make a coherent thought. I just need time to gather my mind and think things through and weave these thoughts into something solid.

I have so much of this in my head right now, not to mention that there are things in there having to do with school, money, and just general friend issues. I know after the things that got revealed and done this break that life here will never be the same.

So later on I want to call her and tell her, I want her to know. And this day will roll on like the others. And maybe just maybe my mind will let me rest.

I Am Jack's Geronimo

Me, I'm offened! Greg and Heather made a gues about what my blog would be about yesterday, me being bored and me being nervous about....well you know. I think this is shit, you could at least give me a fair chance. Well no more, I need to be a little more unpredictable. Right now I am trying to think up some stuff for the story that I'm working on, it will be my return to...well writing as I used to. I worked on it for a long time last ngiht.

It has been a long time coming, but I haven't worked on anything really creative in a while, my last real complete work was the one I did with the story Lavender and Cherry Blossom. I actually planend to show that to some people, I mean its not my usual thing, what with all of the love story type elements, but it is well written and if I were to polish it up a bit I am sure that I could maybe submit it to something.

To some on the outside it might look like I am pressing myself to work on something in the way of writing, but in actuality. I am just trying to keep busy. All of the drawing has done it to a point, but when school starts I seem to have more of a problem drawing, and less of a problem writing. Right now I am also thinking of some kind of editorial that I can write, maybe something on that just effect everyday people, maybe something that effects college students. But I could have it done as soon as, well as soon as right after I finish this. I really don't polish my writing when I do these little editorials. I more than likely just slap them out there, of course they are checked for spelling, most of the time.

So on my plate I have some drawings to do of Greg as a Nartuo character, and then some of him and Heather together, I will try to get those done when I can, as I know Heather is reading this, but I am out of practice drawing men for the most part. But I think I can bang something out. So there is what I have to do.

Now on to what I have to say about today, well I woke up pretty late and went up to campus, on the way there I ran into Brenton and Nicole. It was odd, I never really see them out and about, for all fo the time I have spent here, I walk by their place and they are never out walking around. But they claim to be out all of the time. So I was shocked to see them. We walked up there together, and I found out then that class registration begins today, so I will have to go back later.

Well I headed over to the bookstore, anyone who knows anything about my past friends, knows that Desiree works at the book store. I make it a point to avoid the bookstore at all costs. Because I hate saying this, but last year I was torn up over her, I really didn't know what I had done wrong. And part of the reason that I feel like I do about myself is because of what happened with her. I have never been so torn up over a girl. And the reason I have such a problem telling this girl that I like her is that only one girl I have ever told that has reacted in a positive way, I have lost friends, I have been called names and ridiculed over it and so much more.

It's not like I am just going to bounce back from that! I don't know what else to say. I have certain things inside, things that I like to keep covered up. You know like feelings and the like. Saying that I like someone now, that would expose me, once again. Even if she most likely won't hate me for it, or think I am just some other typical guy that likes her for her looks alone, I never really can tell what she will say or do. To this day Allison won't look at me the same, she won't even hang out with me. And no matter how many people say I should leave her be, I know good and damn well that I can't just leave someone that I considered a best friend alone. I just can't do it.

It hurts inside, it really does to think that I could lose someone I am just starting to get to know the same way. That's why I hope that Cassie and Heather and everyone else read this, because I know that I will be able to look back and go I told you so. I hate this, I don't want to lose this person, I don't want them to think that no one can ever like them either, because really, they can. And I would do anything to not hurt a girls feelings. But I don't know, she could react by crying. And when she cries around me, no matter why, I fall the fuck apart. She did it twice. It made me feel so small and unable to do anything and I'd like nothing more than to be there and to make it so she never cried again, but I don't see that happening.

Regardless I guess I havew come to far, I need to just go on and make this move so that everyone out there will know: Look I failed again. It's going to happen, but I just want to let everyone else see, I called this one. I knew it before it happened. I was right all along, this is the only subject I am EVER right about. Here it goes again.

At least this time I expect it, I know I'm going to fall, so I'll pack a parachut for the plunge...

For those of you who want to see the editorial article, click here.

I Am Jack's Nervousiness

Today, very un eventful, very unfulfilling, I hope tomorrow is much better. I think tomorrow night we are all going for hookah, I am excited and nervous all at once, I'll be around new people, Heather is bringing her friend Mandy. I am so tired right now, I just want to curl up in my wamr bed and pass out. I don't know how else to describe it. Now I think I finally can, I can rest. For some reason I just feel like I had to get something done today, something other than just being here and existing. Until I finished the last picture I was working on I didn't feel like I had done anything.

Now I think I'll hit the sack, nervousness and all!

I Am Jack's One Last Request

Well this has been a day of ups and downs, I really don't know how esle to describe it. My mind has been all over the place, during the day while I was with Heather, during the night last night while I slept, my mind kept drifting> I moved from thought to thought, most of the time my thoughs finding their way back to the same person. God how can I fall like this again, how can I get myself in so deep?

There are things you never expect to have happen, what do you do when you ask for a sign and actually end up getting it? Do you follow what you want and go there hoping that the sign wasn't just some coincidence. I have asked many questions and I know that signs aren't just some common thing. I have asked before, several times before for a sign, but it never came. It never even seemed to come, I even thought of how little a thing I would take as one, but to no avail. This is the first time that it has ever happened. What does that mean?

I am so scared to fuck this up, so afraid that like with the last few times I will only gain heartache and pain from this. Who am I to think that this could be any different. I've got low self esteem its true, but it's down there for a reason. So many times have I just been torn up over things that I wanted. I mean most of the time I can't seem to get what I need or deserve. All of the people that I know, all of them have someone in their life and I feel so alone every day, I stay here and I go out and I look around and I just can't be one of those shiny happy people. I convince myself that most of the people I see around me are in bad relationships, that they will end up heart and broken after it. But it doesn't help the fact that they seem happy now.

I really think that if this goes right, I can let most of the other things in life slide, how my parents act and treat me, how I can't seem to write right now, how a lot of things are going. I don't care about all of that right now, most of those things will fix themselves with time. I know that my writing won't just up and go away. But to be with someone, even just for a little while, how is that so much to ask?

Soon people will be back here, classes will start and we will all be shuffling around the school, clubs will be here and there advertising and protesting things, video games will be played and there will be late night runs to the IHOP. It will be hard to forget this time, the time between these two semesters when I made friends I can really count on it seems like, who don't just come over and bitch, who don't whine everytime they don't get their way.

Heather and Greg are people who I can really hang out with, Neemo and Landis too. I hope that this goes on, but the one thing that could top this off is if she says yes, if she gives me just one chance. How can I prove to anyone how I can be in a relationship if no one ever wants to give me a chance. Maybe before school starts I can tell her. Maybe.

I Am Jack's Change of Pace

I really don't have much to say about today. I think that things are starting to change back into a school mode. People are starting to come back. Allison got back today and I went over to see her, of course she really didn't seem to happy to see me. Which doesn't really surprise me. I don't know if I will be able to salvage that friendship, as much as I would like to, it just doesn't seem to be working out in my favor. And we used to be so close.

At least I talked to Mandi today, she cheered me up, I really miss her and she just makes me happy. Knowing that she is alright and all is a good thing. Last year she was one of my best friends and I really hold her in high regard because she's never hurt me in any way emotionally. Where as everyone else I have known as long as her around here seems intent on hurting others without discrimination.

But things will be different around here this next semester, I will have to do a lot more writing and a lot less messing around. I need time to take care of things and catch up on things. I have been really falling off of the writing front. Right now I am trying this exercise where I write a different three page begining for the same story over and over in different ways. Then I pick the one that sounds best and best suits the story and use it!

I really hope that this works out! I have been trying to work on writing for a while.

I Am Jack's Story

I am sitting here just thinking, thinking and thinking and thinking about how thinking is a dangerous thing. I know that now, I know that it can almost bring you to tears to think, things that you never would normally think. But when you worry about someone, when you really feel that you have a connection you start to feel for them. I worried about Heather when she was absent for that two weeks, I worried about Mandi when she didn't call back and now I am worried about someone else.

I really can't tell much, I don't know it. All I can say is that my head jumps back to the worst case scenario, why is it always there that my mind chooses to visit first? What is it about the thing that scares us most that causes us to jump to that conclusion? On top of all this, I am still worried about Kay to some point, she's still sort of sick and thank God that she is getting better. I don't know what I would do with out at least someone to talk to, Kay has helped alot, through the Allison thing, through the hard summer months, through so much else. I've grown a lot this year.

I have to say that many of the things that I have gone through all have to do with growing up. Tonight in the car Heather told me that she had a lot of fun hanging out with me this past month or so, I really have had fun with her too, because I felt like I would be here alone, and i feel so alone most of the time. I knew she was cool but I never knew we would be such good friends and have so much in common. It really means a lot to have someone like that. Same goes with Greg and Nicole, Eva and Landis, and Brandon, both of them. I have grown closer to all of them over the past months, I don't even know how. But with this growth people have grown more distant, some of them its for the best. But still it kind of gets to you sometimes.

Well I need to head out, I have been at this too freaking long, another long night, another dreary day, another story. This is it folks, this is my story.

I Am Jack's Fun With Heather and Greg

Today, a lot like the last. It's going to linger on as the best two day streak I've had in a while. I got into it with the parents, but all is well that ends well, and it looks like I might make it here. In a few short days people will start to shuffle back to this place like its some kind of Scholastic Mecca, and I wonder will things ever be the same as they were for this short time between semesters. If I'm around to see the day when we're all married with kids and familes of our own, I know I will never forget this time or the friends I made during it. It all means a lot to me.

And I would like to say something really important, Kay has been really sick for the past few days and I would like everyone to pray for her. I'm kind of worried about her, and I am worried about Mandi too, she called me frantic the other day and when I asked her what was going on she told me not to worry and that she had to go, she mentioned to call her back later, but I tried and there's nothing. It really worries me, but I have faith that everything is alright.

I am Jack's Better Days

Today...fuck. What do I say about a day like today. It was by far the best day that I have had in a long time. And some parts of it make me a little bit sad, like having to say goodbye to a friend that I am only just begining to know. But today was something else. It woke up over at Heather's last night I slept over there with her and Greg.

I had to get up early to go to thearpy, which also went well. I really like the thearpist here at the school, I really can't say the same about the one I go to at the military hospital. Well anyway I went with Heather to see her friend Persphanie, she really is a sweet girl. Someone that would just be fun to hang out with. After that we had dinner with Heather's family.

I really don't feel like elaborating, I'm very tired, I didn't get much sleep last night because I went to bed at 6 and I have been running around all day long. Somehow things got better after dark. Heather, Greg and I came back to our side of town and they were very tired, I dropped Greg off and the second he was out of the car Heather suddenly woke up and wanted to go to the movies. So we started to head that way, then she decided to call a friend of ours to come with us. Well somehow we ended up at the Hookah place again, the three of us and we hung out and it just made my day. I was happy for the first time in a long time.

After today, after all that's happened I had some questions about my future, I just needed a sign to keep going. To know just what I needed to do next. And when I said that I just happened to make a joke about me hitting a deer. Well just after that, as if out of instinct I pulled back on the switch to flash my brights and there were like 20-30 deer on the side of the road in a big group. I don't know what that means, maybe that was what I asked for, some kind of sign from God. It happens all of the time in the Bible, who knows maybe this means something.

And to Heather, I would really like to say thanks for helping me get through so much and for helping me. It means a lot to have someone to talk to, someone who doesn't judge, who offers support and who has been there and understans; same goes to you Eva, it really means a lot to me, and I meant what I said about you being more than a waitress, I got a great friend out of the deal. Thanks for being there, its going to be sad to see you go.

Right now I am so tired that it hurts, and I am sitting here typing this. So much has happened to me in the last few weeks.To my friends, this all means so much to me, thanks for being there through it all, there's a long road to go, but now I know I can make it.

I Am Jack's Plea

I have never searched so hard to find just what I wanted to say, this is something that I wrote because I couldn't express it openly, I couldn't just come out and say it. The things I want to say just don't get said. I feel left out and alone, I feel like damaged goods. Eleven Months I wrote in this thing and I said that I wanted to be able to have someone ask me What's wrong and be able to answer Nothing. Nothing is wrong.

But slowly, slowly and surely I am noticing that some of the things I used to do are coming back to me, but there still feels like there is a hole there. I sit with people and I talk and I just don't feel whole. I feel like a shell, empty and used, nothing left. I say that I want to be there for others, I really want to make sure no one else feels this way. Although I know there must be others that do. I want to show everyone else they have a purpose, I don't think I do. But I want to make that my purpose.

There is so much I want than just this lonliness. I would like to have someone to share with, to talk to, someone who wants me around and who understands. Someone I can be silly in front of and someone I can be serious with, someone who will know when the time is right to do either. I don't feel that I will ever find this. Sometimes I think that I might someday get bitter like I mentioned earlier, it wouldn't be the first time, what happens if I stay that way.

In that same post I asked something else, Were we engineered like this, with some kind of hole in our souls to keep us longing for a closeness that can never be achieved here in life? Is this just a test to see who gets in and who’s out? Was Nicole right, am I just too needy of others, does this want to never be alone mean something else. This medication that I am taking, just how much is it doing to me. Am I the same person that I was before, last year when I wrote Faulty Souls?

No pill, whether it be twenty miligrams or one hundred miligrams is going to pave a hole over in your soul. I write about so much, I used to write about gender issues in here, and I used to go back and forth with other blogs in little discussions. Lately I have been concerned with myself, I have wondered if I am even worth my own time while doing this. But I have lost so much this year without experincing any real loss. No one died, no one is really gone. But people I thought were close to me have been pushed back by a parting of the waters that connected us. Those that I trusted showed their true colors and let me down either in the regard to which they held me or the way that they thought of me as a pawn.

I won't be a pawn, I won't be one to get walked on like I did in the past. I need to choose my friends better and choose the things that I am going to do more wisely. Last year I made the descion to pursue this girl and I wasted almost an entire year on someone who thought of me as just a tool they could use to boost her ego. I can't fall for that again, I have to know what I am walking into is what both parties need.

Heather wanted to know what was going on with me today, she wanted to know what was happening. I wanted to break down and I don't know how else to put it. I feel so stressed and have no way to take it all off. I am so stressed it hurts and I just want to cuddle up next to someone and lay there. I want someone to hold and talk to but I don't have that. I want something to do that makes me forget all of the things going on, I want to forget that I'm medicated, seeing two shrinks, going through a lot of emotional changes while trying to keep a smile and ward off the lonliness. What can you do that does all of that?

What can you do that's going to make it worth while. I need something to change.

I Am One of Jack's Many Uses...

Talking and just saying thing out loud can be very thearputic, my new friends taught me that. Dealing with people who I can talk to and who treat me with at least a little respect, that's what I always need to try and find. In the coruse of my life I think that a lot has shaped who I am, very few times I have gone over the things in here that I think really pushed me to be a certain way.

I look at some of the people around me and I see ambition, love, greed, selfishness, a sense of worth and so many other things from different people. I get so fed up and I don't know where to go, what to do. Earlier I went to IHOP with Heather and her boyfriend Greg, we sat and we talked, and then the waitress that we know there she even sat and talked with us. I felt relieved. I felt like there was something that I could do and a way I could make it.

I need to change who I am in some ways, I need to work on my outlook of others and how I seem to think about things. I have been in so many bad places in friendships over the years and I have suffered the consequences most of the time, and they have been harsh, they snowball and build into a monumental monster. That monster is hard to face when you have no where to look and no one trust, and that's just what that monster is. Everytime you get betrayed, everytime someone shits on you and you just befriend them and let them do it again, that's what you let come into you more.

Somehow I know what that will do to me. Any person can only take so much. When will I have enough and be that old bitter man who hates everyone, lonely, never married, never even really loved? All I have to give is care, all I want to be is there for my good friends and take them further than they thought they could go. I'm not attractive, very smart or funny; but if I can just help someone I care about out, even if its just for a little while. If I can soothe one tear or make someone feel like their not worth nothing, I did something and I can go to my grave knowing I was not a waste. Because you can outlive everyone and do everything that there is to do, but if you don't care about other people, you will die empty and alone.

What was that line from Firefly, You can take a boat up into the skies but its Love that keeps her up, and if you don't Love she will die on your right where you stand. That should be close enough.

I still hurt, just as much as I did last night, and I still feel the same about myself, but at least I will not be useless.

I Am Jack's Split Hate

A New Year is under way and I am supposed to be in bed right now. But I had this on my chest. I had something to get out and for those of you out there who know anything about being a writer, its when you have something to say that its hardest. You can't think about much besides what it is you want to get out and you just have to do it.

I talked with Nicole some earlier over instant messenger and I don't know how it came up but she was telling me why she thinks that I come off bad to girls and it didn't upset me, I just never realized that I come off that way. She said I seem desperate and like I don't care who I end up with, there's too much to really go into at this early and hour. But the things she was saying shocked me because I'm not thinking that.

I might seem like I will just take anyone, but I really don't want to. I don't think many people realize that I look for certain things and when I find them I look at the girl and go, Yeah she would be great for me! But I quickly realize that it's never going to happen and give up on it. I mean the girls I like don't want me, so why should I waste my time trying. I have gone out of my way and bent over backwards, I've tried playing it cool, I've tried not being obvious and in the end the only one hurt is me.

I'm not doing what I want right now, I'm just doing all that I figure I can, I might as well settle because I'm obviously not worth the time of these other girls. Something can't be wrong with all of the girls I like, a lot of them are really sweet girls, some of them it was just an issue of bad timing, and most of the time, its all on me. For those of you who don't know, when I make jokes about myself, when I talk about being insecure or say something that sounds funny, there is no joke. I don't like me, I don't like how I am, who I am, how I look and I don't even like the way I act think or anything else you can think of. I still think I can do a few little things good, like write.

But I don't really have enough invested in myself to work with and I don't see me going anywhere. I mean when you're parents tell you you're a failure and that you're just going to fuck up, and you have so called friends who only kept you around because you were quote easily manipulated. How the fuck would you feel? Would you want to trust others? Would you want anything to do with most people?

When you feel like crying just because you realize how shitty so many of the people you picked to spend your time with are, and that you're just bad at everything, even meeting people; what would you do? How do you get up from a fall when you were still reeling on the ground from the last when you took the current one.

So when my friend tells me that from the outside it looks like I don't like women and I am bitter towards them it hurts, not because I don't want to come off that way, and don't get me wrong, I do not want to come off that way. But because on the inside I feel like I don't deserve these other women, I don't deserve anyone I have or have had a crush on. I don't deserve Nicole because she's strong and independant and I'm not, I don't deserve Kristina because she needs someoen caring and sweet, that's not me at all. I don't deserve...God if I keep this up I will go on for ten pages. The point of the matter is this is how I feel on the inside, this is what I see when I wake up this is what I sturggle with and this is why I am how I am. I don't hate everyone else, I only hate some people, and most of them deserve it. But I hate myself most of all because look how bad things have turned out!

This life is what I have made it, this is my grave that I dug and continued to dig despite the warning signs blarring like so many bright sirens and I am just going to have to lay in it.

I Am Jack's Cautionary Tale

The rightieous man is the hardest to convince that he is wrong, to him every little endeavour is a mission, or some kind of quest from God, something to better society or the like. It's rare that anything we do is for the good of mankind, and the betterment of society isn't really on many people's plates either. It's not in the cards, things don't play out that way, not everyone has that great an effect on the world.

Now don't get me wrong, I'm not taking that We are God's unwanted children stance like in Fight Club, but we have to understand, we call can't be the ones to leave a great mark on the world. Well if you all wanted to know, this is going somewhere. As a matter of a fact its going back to just how much I can't seem to trust anyone around here for more than two seconds. Case in point, there's a certain someone I have known for a year and he thinks that everyone needs to trust him, he always pretends to be this I'm on you're side kind of guy. Many of you must know the type. But he really just seems content to just know everyone else's business and make it seem as if he is helping them out with it.

In reality he is very manipulative, very good a manipulating and he even thinks that he is getting away with it, he figures he has all of us as his little Space Monkeys and that he can do whatever he pleases and that we will just follow along willingly and uncaring of how we end up.

I say all of this about him because I am forced to be around him basically and it pains me to say it, but in reality things work the way that he thinks they do. In his head things are working here he is above all of us and we are so far below that no one else can even see what he is pulling. I really don't know how to go about things now, I guess I will just exist normally and let things unfold how they do, watch my step and tread more carefully.

I Am Jack's Last One of '05

Well here I am, no I'm not dead and aliens didn't capture me, I went back to Houston for a few days and anyone that knows anything about my internet in Houston should know that there is no way in hell that I can easily upload a blog entry from there, I've actually thought about doing it from my new cellphone at times, I got a new one. Not for Christmas but because the old one was broken.

So I guess people are wondering how my holiday went...do the words I'm ready for it to be over give any hints, if so please tell me. I am tried of this time of year. Everyone is cheery right? Well everyone except for most of the people in my imediate vacinity. Heather, you don't count, you're always cheery.

I don't really have much to say, but in a few short hours it shall be the new year, thanks for all sticking around, this is the last hurrah of 2005...may there be many more!

I Am Jacks's Wind

The winds of change are blowing, why? I don't know. Maybe its because I have something here that I didn't see before. Maybe its because I am finally starting to see things they way I should have all along. But there is something I promised I would do for someone. I wanted to go back to the begining of a story. And this, this is my story,this is why I'm a cynic, sometimes rude, sometimes compassionate and always looking to find something behind what's going on, looking for what there is to learn from the situation.

When I say a story, most people will think that a story has to have an ending. I don't think that this one does. I think that this one is on going and I am at the point where I can look back, this is the halfway point.

This story starts when I was younger, and this story may seem like its all about girls, but there's more to it if you look just beneath the surface. In junior high I got my first crush, well I thought she was cute before that, but it was then that I really wanted to do something. Her name was Amie, and as a matter of a fact, I owe her a dance to this very day. Back then I thought that being a man meant liking big breasts, getting old enough to drink and cut a fool and just being macho.

This was in sixth grade. I thought money was the most important thing, and that you could do whatever you wanted to women and if they got mad, fuck em, and if they got pregnant then abort it. My how I have changed huh? I wanted to be one of the guys and they never let me, I wanted to have the hottest girlfriend with the biggest breast and I didn't look at personality at all.

Seventh grade came, and I had English class right next to Amie. I had been more than rejected by most of the cool guys who did the things I wanted to do like make out with girls and other stuff that I only whispered to my friends in the bus seat on the way home.

And sitting there, Amie accepted me, and not only that, she was nice to me. And she had a personality that was winning and sweet and I just couldn't believe it. I had spent that first year of school thinking of her like a lifeless doll to do what you wanted with, I had thought of her as most men on myspace think of the girls they add for looks. I had seen this shell of a person, I didn't look at the soul within.

Well that was the first thing that happened that made me hate how I had been, and I hated other men for being that way. It was odd, my friends like PJ and John weren't like that. They were sensible and I fit in with them, but in my mind I was evil, pure bad and terrible, there is no other way to describe it.

And when I changed I started to act different, I wanted to be better and to develop a personality that made me a better person. Amie and I kind of got to be friends and well when the next year rolled around I got a crush on another girl, Keena. I wanted to do any and everything for her and I cried over her even, it was the first time I cried over anyone besides myself. And I remember I told her I loved her as a friend too, it was the first time I had told anyone that, even in a friendly way. And even though I'll tell John and PJ that I love them like brothers now back in Junior High to say such things was considered gay and shunned. No one wanted to be called gay, that was the worst back then.

When I was forced to leave my friends and go to private school I had to say bye to Keena and my other friends and we all grew a part for a while. Some of them ended up engulfed in drugs, others took to new friends, relationships, and just their own thing.

Its hard to say this, but I miss those days in the last year of Junior High, life was so simple. No one ever wanted sex from girls, at most they'd just go down on them and vice versa, that was the extreme. Getting a kiss was satisfying for everyone! it was enough to hold hands, and she was your girl and you were hers. I wanted that so bad. I just wanted another person to confide in and to be around. Someone who wanted to be with me and only me and I saw it all around me. It hurt on the inside, it really did.

High school, I don't have much to say about it, the guys got worse and they did things like run sexual experiments on girls. I couldn't wait until more of them felt like me, until more guys respected and were nice to women, at least to their faces.

Last year, Freshmen year here I got royaly messed over, I got into something with a girl that never went anywhere and proved to be a waste of time. I caused myself more pain than I needed and I went after someone who was not what they appeared to be. A wolf in sheep's clothing they call it. It was my fault for not seeing the warning signs and blaming others, or just for not watching my step. We all say Never again will I fall for it. We all do it again.

Something was said to me today, College breeds oppurtunities for relationships. This year has shown how many great and wonderful people you can just run into around here. Brandon, Landis, Kay, Nikki, Emily, Sarah, Heather, Eva, Tim, Neemo, Katherine, Greg, Tomei, and God there's just so many from this year! I hope I didn't forget anyone!

Life is just so much better now, I don't know what happened, I don't know what changed, but I just need to go home tomorrow, or later today, for those of you not privvy to the rule set up by PJ and I*, and tell my parents everything, tell them my plan, how I will make it and how I am ready and how I have something to stand on now. How people have taught me, I have my own two feet, Kay taught me that. I have me and that's enough and other people, I have them behind me, someone is backing me. And I'm going to do this, all of this. I know I told this story fast, its longer, there's more to it and if you ask me, maybe we can go to Starbucks and I can tell it to you someday. We can sit and talk about it and you can tell me yours too. I wrote this down so there's a record of it, I wrote this so whoever sees it can see. I wrote it so they can see how far I've come, and how far I have to go. I wrote it because I wanted Heather and the others to see, she asked for it, it's long I know. And I wrote it because a potential new friend (you know who you are) asked me to tell them and we didn't have time.

This is to show you, Don't try to live so wise, don't cry 'cause you're so right, don't dry with fakes or fears, 'cause you will hate yourself in the end...

*_{For those who don't know, the rule set fourth by PJ and I is that "If one stays up past midnight, it is not deemed the next day until one: a) falls asleep and wakes up or b)it is noon.}

I Am Jack's Funk

Sometimes a day just makes you think that you have a chance to make it, today was one of those days. I don't know what it is about how everything is going today. I am honestly going to try, I am really going to do this thing. No matter what it takes I'm just going to have to make it.

I don't know if I mentioned this yesterday, but I am writing this from the fourth Incarnation of this computer. That's right, The Queen Is Dead! My computer had to be reformated yesterday and at 6:08 PM this incarnation was born. I have some work to do with it still, two hard drives to add, files to spread out and that kind of thing, but I lost no data and things so far are good. I do need to go get an AOL disk and the like, but that's all.

Having a clean computer, a clean dorm and just trying to pick myself up, the writing again and such is really helping lift me out of this little funk, and to know I have people there pulling for me helps a lot. Although there are some things nagging at the back of my mind. Like for one, why did my parents ask for Allison's number? What do they need it for? But its not a big deal, they don't know anything that would cause me any trouble, and neither does she really.

Well I have to go, just bored of this and I have little things to fill out, see you all.

I Am Jack's Attention

It's been an eventful day and I really haven't left the dorm except for once. I don't know how to say all of it in this short little passage, but one thing I can tell you, this program restarted with out the ability to use word-wrap and this parargraph is gone fucking nuts.

Now that I fixed it, let me start by saying that my old roommate, Brandon is moving back home and I am going to be sad to see him go. I'm going to miss you bro. Now, I have been told that if I don't get a job very shortly I will have to move back home too, I am determined to get a job and keep myself here, I really don't want to go back home and I actually do think that. No one seems to listen to me on that, or anyhting else. I mean right now I take my meds, I try to wake up at a resonable time and I am trying my hardest to be in better shape. But for all of the things that I am doing my parents seem to want to make things that I have been doing for years seem like they are so detrimental to me going back to school.

What they don't seem to or want to understand is that if a person is saf then they're not going to want to do anything, whether they're being watched or not. Whenever I try to even talk to my dad about anything all he can repeat is Did you hear what I said? or Because I told you to. That's not an answer, that's shit you say when you don't have one, and I told him that on the phone one day.

So tomorrow I am going to try and go out and try and find something quick to get them off my back. But there are still other problems. I can't seem to get much alone time these days. And I know what everyone is going to say, You're depressed and you want to be alone? That's stupid! No its not, see I am a writer and part of the nature of the beast is the need to be alone and with your own thoughts. Like right now I am here writing this in a room with just my fan television and bed. No one is going to yell from the other room Dude, come check this out. And if there's a knock at my door I can ignore it.

During the semester there is always something going on, always a phone call or just anything to get you to leave that room so people will be pleased with you. I don't know if its the depression speaking, but I really don't like having everyone pleased with me. There are some real assholes out there and I know at times I do things that others do not agree with, I drink like twice a year and that pisses people off, but you know what, I have never been drunk, never had my drinking causes me to miss school or end up acting like an ass, so get off my back. It's not like I'm chugging a bottle of goldshlogger and driving a big rig with hookers going down on me...I drink like one smirnoff twice a year!

There's too many people to tell you what to do when it doesn't matter and not enough to give you advice when it does.

In my case people give advice and half of the time I look right at their even more fucked up lives and wonder how they can scoff at me. I mean the advice may still be good, but don't be a dick when you give it. I don't need your little attitude to go along with it. I really think that most of the time the only people I talk to that give good advice are Kay, Heather, Nikki and PJ, and I rarely even explore that last route.

Today I talked to an internet friend who will remain nameless about her bout with depression, let's just call her Sandra. Sandra told me that she did things to get attention and hoped that someone would notice, but no one really did. She said that if anyone had noticed it would have been like they cared enough to know her well. And now that I think about it I could just be wanting a relationship because I want someone to care enough about me to know when something is really going on with me, not just someone looking at me going Oh yeah, that's classic depression. Maybe that's what depression is about, attention, even if that sounds kind of vain I think we all need it sometimes.

I Am Jack's Lost Train of Thought

Right now there is a lot to say and not very much I can because I can't really get it into words. I need time to think.

I Am Jack's Boiling Words of Rage

I'm glad its winter break and I can be alone at last, I really don't want to deal with people right now because I'm just starting to get angry. I am getting tired of being over looked and treated as if I don't matter and I am just tired of getting blamed for stuff and getting told that I am not trying.

I'm also tired of being ignored and over looked by people just so they can be around other people that they don't know as well and that don't even treat them right. Everytime I think I have a new friend its the same thing over again, just like what happened with Allison, she just walks away and decides that she doesn't need me just because she met some guy that's probably just going to do things that most guys do when I've been there and talked to her and tried to help and I don't even get any time with her.

I'm fucking sick of people, I'm sick of all them, no one ever really wants you around that long, most of them never really care and the people around you just get tired of you, they get in their little moods and they start to hate you or just ignore you. I really do feel like shit and I hate just having to wake up and know that I am going to have to put up with people that day, that in one way or another, my parents are just going to call and treat me like a fucking disappointing piece of equipment instead of a person.

There's a reason why I don't feel like I have strenght anymore, because I don't. I have to go through so much, and it stacks, all of the arguments with people and the little comments mumble stack and the way people feel really does get to me. And no one cares anymore what I think, peole treat my place like a Rec Center, people call me at all hours of the night and day, and people always ask if I'm okay.

Don't fucking ask me that, if you didn't care enough to call and ask that six or seven months back, don't do it now. Don't pretend you care because its on some piece of paper in a hosptial somewhere that I'm not okay. Don't act like you've stuck it out with me or been there for me to talk to. I don't want people's help or pity half the time. I don't even want half of these people around anymore, most of them just make me upset, or make me see what I don't have or do something else that's just making things more fucked up for me.

I'm just not strong enough to deal with others anymore, and I don't deserve to get anything.

How do I put this? How do I say that things don't get better, this isn't depression or anything like that, this is life. I mean I can't seem to just come by the most simple things out there, I'm ninteen, yet I have never had a girlfriend. I've dreamed of having on and I have worked at it, I've waited...I've done it all and nothing. I try to get my parents to approve of something I do, to think that something I do is good, but I just get scoffing and little side comments. When I first graduated my dad told me that I wasn't going to make it through college, that's all he told me. No one is ever proud of a damn thing I do. It's hurts me to know all of these things, it cuts deep into me to have to realize that things in life are fucking wrong, a lot of them.

There's nothing I can say that will make this clearer, I think everyone has dealt with some form of it. And its bullshit, all of this is. That's what life is..

If anyone's can say they're not depressed in this world, they're not looking hard enough at the things going on in it.—Fall Out Boy

I am Jack's "Can't Hardly Wait"

I feel like I can't do this on my own, I feel like I need strong supportive friends who I can look out for and who can look out for me, and I feel that i have truly found someone like that in Heather. She's a really sweet person who, when I first met her, I wasn't even sure that she would ever be around again. Now she's telling me everything will be okay and that she will help me find someone I can at least date.

In the back of my head, I am remembering in the past when I started to trust someone and I stopped seeing all of the wrongs that they were doing. Now I am examining things much closer and trying my best to make sure that I am not walking into this thing without looking at all of my options.

I guess what makes this different than the others is that I'm not trying to date Heather or see her in a romantic way, so that breaks up some of the attachment, if she was up to something shady and wrong I would have noticed it by now, that's why I can trust her I think.

I know that things might be moving fast with this friendship but I really believe that you have to look forward and wait for some things to come to you at times. Tonight Heather and I are going to IHOP, tonight things are going to be all about just hanging out and having fun while talking and solving some things. I can't wait.

I Am Jack's Thoughts

Thearpy today, it was long and boring, I am tired and have not had the sleep that I have so desired to get and I feel like I just need to draw to get this picture that I have in my head out of my system. I'm so tired to the point that I am starting to get sore. My stomach hurts and the only reason I am here writing this is because I was waiting on someone to get back so that I could go to get some food with them.

I've been wondering, is it hard for some people to just accept that someone else may feel different than them? I mean when I have an opinion do I always have to come to an agreement with someone else. And moreso just because something is the norm or even a law, does that mean I need to agree with it just to follow it.

What if I don't give a damn about the grass and would rather walk on it, but just because that sign says not to, I don't? Does that mean that I should be shot for feeling differently, I thought this country was built on free speech, what about free thought? You are free to say as you will so long as you feel as we do?

Where is the fairness in that? I'm starting to feel more and more like I need alone time, and yet here I am at this place where its so hard just to get that.

Well I am going to head out, I am sleepy and its hard to write.

I Am Jack's State of Being

Tonight I just needed a shoulder to lie on, and I had that for a while, I needed to laugh some too, and I got that. But some things about all of this just don't add up. Why do my parents need me to call everyday, why must the baby me and treat me as if I'm seven years younger than I am?

I got really mad yesterday at a friend, and at the table in the cafe, I got mad again because people around here just don't seem to understand opinions. People here are hell bent on proving that their way is the only way, and although I am very quick to say I won't do something, I don't care whether or not someone else will most of the time.

I have been running on four hours of sleep right now, but all I can think about is how bad things seem to keep on doing. I want to just move on, I want to be normal and have a normal life. There's this girl I like right now, she's single, I don't know her very well and I just get a vibe from her that seems really good. I don't even second guess what she's thinking. Only thing is she really says that she doesn't do relationships. And I know this is kind of soon after the whole other thing, not to mention I am torn up over the stuff that just took place.

I'm really scared to form any kind of a bond with anyone right now, including this girl, and that really can't be good. I'm not sure where to take this. And I'm not sure I should take this anywhere. All I can really do is just wait on things to change. As for the depression, I don't see any end to it any time soon.

I Am Jack's Need

Right now I feel so alone, and I'm tired of being the one who seems to be left out, I really don't know if there's any other way to put it. I'm really hurt and I'm just here alone and I don't know how to deal with this. I need somebody.

I Am Jack's Sympathy for the Martyr

Some things are looking up, I am starting to wake up more on time and just to be more alert like I used to. A friend of mine who I just made a little while back might have found me a place to work. I really should feel happier, and I do. But a lot of things still bother me. Recently, I have been taking a closer look at the things I do, my parents always want to blame my depression for everything that I do.

I really want to know exactly what qualitfies as being depressed and what it could cause me to do. I really do think that a lot of things that they do and say are just plain wrong, but what do you do against something like that. Most parents will want to tell their kids to be happy and they will want their kids to do right when they had done wrong and to know the difference. Not to think everything they had done was wrong.

I really don't want to go on about this any longer, but I do have something to say, what is the deal with people that we give too many chances? I have known this girl for almost a year now. I used to consider her a friend, I have even mentioned her on here. Nicole. A few months after I met her I started to see major flaws in her personality, she takes the everyone look at me approach.

I am saying this because she makes no attempt to not talk about others behind their backs every chance that she gets. She also makes no attempt to not make herself seem like some kind of martyr that everyone is after. She acts as if she's at war with everyone and like they are just out to get her when in reality she usually starts the shit by doing something like breaking someone's stuff and not replacing it, or inciting two people to fight by telling them different things about each other. Usually this involves skewing the truth a bit.

When she gets caught suddenly she is the good friend that was trying to mediate but was misunderstood, she is the friend that was helping out for the good of everyone and who got caught in the middle of the nasty argument. Her most recent little action was making friends with someone that I had happened to meet through some other people, let's call her Carrie. I don't know how they get along when everyone you meet has bad things to say about Nicole. But Carrie thought Nicole was cool so she started hanging out with her.

Well the other day Nicole brought up something I had done to Carrie and was wrong about, the problem had been resolved but of course its Nicole's duty to go digging in other people's business even though she can't keep her own shit together. Well I sent Carrie this message:

I just wanted to tell you if I upset you I'm really sorry, but Nicole started a conversation tonight about how I was in the wrong and all of this, and maybe I was. But you have to understand, I don't trust or like Nicole, so if you ever have a problem with me, please come tell me. I don't want her talking to me, or about me. She does things with this sneaky way of trying to get at people through others. I don't want you to get the wrong idea, I have no problem with you or ******(her roommate). And I really like you both as people. But I don't like Nicole trying to give me advice or even trying to talk to me. So the next time you have anything to say just tell me, I'd feel much better knowing it and being able to correct it. Again I'm sorry about the clothes thing I didn't mean to make you feel uncomfortable and I admit it was a bad idea, but I'm glad you told me. Thank you for that. I'll talk to you later.

Not really threating right? It's not even written meanly or anything. Well Nicole got wind of it and is going around trying to tell everyone how I did her so wrong and I'm out to get her and make attacks on her because that's what the whole world is trying to do.

Well I have this to say to her: Look you fucking coward, don't try and tell me that anyone is hurting you, and don't try and use others to get at me or anyone else, you want to have a fight, let's go right out blow for blow, I bet you right now I have the gaul to stay in it and see it out fairly, the only reason I'm putting this up is because I don't know what kind of little smear campagin you've run on me or anyone else. You put on fake smiles and try to get people to come back and be by your side when no one really can feel sorry for you long because most of your problems are of you're own doing. And you keep telling me that you have things in common with Carrie. Liar, Carrie is a smart, fun loving person with an easy going attitude who tells people things that she thinks about them to their face. She doesn't get on the phone and bitch her boyfriend out while others are around, and if she does it at all, she doesn't do it in front of him and be little him like some kind of child. She doesn't use God as some kind of defense and try to call other's bad Christians when she's dating a guy and trying to get him to move in with her. Carrie says words like thank you, please and you're welcome; not to try and trick someone into helping or feeling sorry for her, but to actually show apprciation or ask that something be done.

Carrie also doesn't flaunt or show off anything, she doesn't call you up and whine about stupid shit or force you to listen to her stupid problems that no one care about until the point that you want to just stick needles under your nails to keep from passing out or thump yourself in the nuts to keep from going into some kind of bullshit induced coma. Carrie has never put on music to go sit and cry by because she wanted someone to feel sorry for her. Nor has she spend months trying to trick a guy into thinking that she deserved him, people probably feel like she's someone they actually want to be around. Lastly, Carrie is likable and pretty. Tell me, how are you two so alike.

Don't worry, because before long Carrie will see right through you, as most others do. And it doesn't matter what you say about it, you'll stab her in the back, its your nature. And then you'll try and play the martyr once again and blame her for it. But we all know no one has any sympathy for the martyr.

I Am Jack's Negativity

For those of you on Blogger, the last post was actually written several days ago, right now I'm not feeling too well. I feel like my parents are too quick to call me and tell me how I'm not going to actually get to be in school next semester and how they don't see me being well enough to come back to school. I really don't want to have to go home, I hate it at home and I really like it here because here I have more than just one friend to hang out with.

When I got home, I feel like, well I feel like there is no room for me to act the way I act here, I can't go out late, even if there's nothing to be done the next day, I can't talk on the phone, the internet there barely works and I can't just go see friends because that requires that I leave the house and use gas and so on.

My parent's answer to everything is me being at home and having a job and taking medication. I doubt any of those things will make me feel that much better now, since being at home is something I really hate, its a chance for me to get yelled at and called a failure. And as far as getting a job, I don't mind it, but then again, if I get the job while being at home it will be doing something and then coming home to sit alone and get yelled at.

I think a lot of hinges on the fact that my parents consider things in life to be something you have to do, I mean like they say that no one has a job they like, you just work to get money. Well that's bullshit, because what about people who wanted to be writers or artist or who wanted to work with technology and got their wish? I don't want to be that billionare who gets to be 80, looks back at his life and realizes that through all of his money and trouble, he's done nothing with his family and friends and just become secluded and bitter.

I want to actually be there with my children instead of out of town all of the time. If my parents really wanted me to be happy, then they would at least act like some of the things that I do aren't bullshit. If they actually gave a fuck what I think they would maybe ask me what I want to do in life and accept it instead of saying that won't make enough money or that's not a good idea.

Before I started high school I wanted to be a computer programmer, this was back in Junior High when I really didn't even understand computers very well. My high school had you fill out a bunch of papers and write and essay, like a college to get in. For one I couldn't even choose my school, I was told that I was going to Catholic school and I hated it there the entire time. But after I got through trying not to go I was working on my essay and I wrote about how I wanted to be a programmer. My parents looked at it and told me that I couldn't do that because my math was too bad and I wasn't dedicated enough to work late nights and they went on and on about why I couldn't do it.

Why do they have to add their two cents? Why do they feel a need to always doubt me? Do you know my mom has never laughed at a joke I've made? Do you know that neither of them has told me that I do anyhting well, not in my recent memory, not that I drive well, not that I write well not a damn thing. When I do good in a class they say, Why can't you do that in your other classes?. When I do good in them all they would say Well, we know that you won't be able to do this next semester.

Through all of this putting me down they sit there and tell me that I'm the one who is negative...I don't want to deal with them anymore.

I Am Jack's Lie

I don't know if I have anything to say about what's been going on, I feel like I lost the last person I did really, truly trust who's around me, I tried to ignore it and I tried to just leave things be, but its not possible. It's not like I really hoped that I wopuld get anything out of this or that I thought that I would end up with something as silly as a happily ever after. But now I feel like letting people in has become something that comes at too high of a price, every time I do it I feel more and more that way.

When you look around and you see all of the people who drift through life on nothing of a care, who do have problems but never have a problem relating to others. It's not fair to those of us who really have to work for everything that we get. Well now I am stuck without knowing how to handle this, I don't think I've ever felt so betrayed and just unwanted. I have never known someone to stab me in the back so harshly and not even try to explain why or own up to it on their own.

So I'm not sure if I even have the same friend I thought I did before, either way I'm going to be pissed about it. Because I got lied to and ditched and all I asked for was the truth and someone to hang out with and be understanding.

I'm not ready to go through that kind of pain again.

I Am Jack's Hate

Tell her nothing if not this, all I want to do is kiss

I have been dancing around the true issue here, I have been running from what's been going on because I don't want to admit it to myself or anyone else. I never liked the way things seem to turn out for me, but I never acted as if I was having it harder than anyone else.

But now, what the fuck is it, what is going on? Why is it so hard for me to have anyone that I can count on, not all of the time, just some of the time. Why is it that when I think I have something going good or have someone I can at least be with I seem to fuck it up, or the person just walks away. I have been hiding from everything, I have buried my head in video games and drawing, I have turned back into a Junior High student, back to when I was crushing on Amie and she was only in my mind the one class I sat by her but the rest of the day I was out doing other things.

I would give something, anything to be with someone for just a while and have things go a way that could be considered good. And now I feel like I might lose my best friend, now my world is upside down, I don't want to be here anymore, I don't even want to love anymore. It feels better when you hate someone than when you love someone, when you hate you're angry, you're heart is hardened to what they do and all they can do is piss you off, you want them dead and gone and it bothers you that they are around. No matter what someone does, they will always die, and when they die, you get your wish. Hate will always be gratified in the end.

Love, on the other hand, love might get you nothing, or it might get you everything. Kay you are so lucky to have one that loves you the way Chris does, please don't fuck it up like I do to everything, don't press issues, if he lies to you to protect you and you believe some small imperfect-non-truth that he told you that keeps things going, please don't press him to tell you the dirty truth, it hurts too bad. It might make you rethink things.

When you love you want someone to last forever, that can never happen. And when you love you want to be around someone always, no matter what they are never far from your mind. I can't help but think that no one thinks of me, no one cares enough to wonder where I am or what's going on. And when someone dies that you love, you never forget them, I'm certain I'll be forgotten. All I have here are incomplete stories, shitty drawings, a dumb blog and the memory of annoying the hell out of a girl who I loved.

I have so many problems, when something breaks, is it worth fixing, maybe I should just go home, give this all up and try again later or just stop this all together. No one will worry and I really doubt that it would impact anyone at all. I feel so angry now, angry at everything. I want to just slip away to sleep, and I will soon, but more than anything I just wish this world were over, and things were done. I hate the way it is. I hate my life, my problems and my triumphs. I lost the last thing that I hoped for, I lost what I worked for and now I don't see anything coming my way worth me even trying for.

I fucking hate this place.

I Am Jack's Optimistically Tuned Good News

What to write, what to write. I woke up today feeling better, feeling like there's hope and feeling like I can do this. I don't know what changed, maybe that's just it, everything is getting back to the way I wish it had been all along. Looks like I looked in my pants and found a pair too because I kind of asked this girl out on a date. Nothing to serious yet because I just want to feel something out. Its more of a getting to know you session and I really like those because I think I work best in in a situation where I don't have to worry about others distracting me in any way.

I drove back down here Tuesday afternoon, things were a little hard. I actually fell asleep on the road and drifted off into a ditch, nothing was hurt, not even the car and I had a good laugh about it after the fact. I came back and hung out with some friends, got some pictures at IHOP with the waitress, who was very cute and they even made us a giant pancake penis!

I managed to write some, it was a very good little bit that I did. But for once its in first person, which means that this is gonna be hard. I need to redo all of the stories, I'm not sure if they will all be first person, if they are it will be from the presepctive of a different character each time.

I want this to be my close to final rewrite, meaning that I want this one to only be revised, not rewritten. You know its been years since I just left a story as is and posted it and was happy and I need to get back into that mode. Oh I met another person off my facebook list the other day, her name is Amber and she seems really sweet and friendly. I need more friends like that around. After that I went out smoked some hookah, not much really because I'm not used to smoking. And its just an occasional thing. I guess for me its more about the hanging out and talking.

Right now, I know I want to go play some Smash Brothers, I will talk to you all later and I promise to start updating this thing more!