Yesterday I felt something that I heven't felt in a long time, just this overwhelming darkness that comes out of nowhere and that I can't rightfully place. I want it to be gone, I want it to be out of my system but no matter how much I try nothing works, nothing seems to help. I know, I try to find the purpose in day to day things, I try to find some meaning and I try to make myself see why this happens or why this is the way it is.
Right now thinking on it doesn't seem to help, I feel like for some reason that I have lost my sense of purpose, that no matter what happens I am left out. It's hard to feel left out and then feel like you always have someone. I was telling Nicole this the other day, I just don't feel like there's anything I can do. Like there is nothing left to do.
Maybe this is just how my personality type functions, I don't think that it can be helped. Feeling alone and feeling like you have nothing to do. Last night I started to hurt I thought so hard, I felt bitter and angry and just like I didn't want to talk to many people, I didn't want to see anyone. The only reason I went out was because I didn't want Heather and Greg thinking I had blown them off. And because I thought Nicole would be there.
Right now I am starting to feel the same way. There's only one person I would care to talk to right now, anyone else can just forget about it. Already today I have had to deal with enough of people's shit and I am just tired of it. I want to move out of this dorm, I want to get away from all of this. And I am sick and tired of being stuck in a place where I have to run into friends who betrayed my trust and people who only care about themselves.
Sometimes I wish I could be selfish, I could go out and try without worry for others well being to get just what I wanted. I could have something for a little while that I wanted. I even wish that I could be naive and stupid and worry about dumb little things. I'm so lost and I don't know what to do anymore.
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