For those of you on Blogger, the last post was actually written several days ago, right now I'm not feeling too well. I feel like my parents are too quick to call me and tell me how I'm not going to actually get to be in school next semester and how they don't see me being well enough to come back to school. I really don't want to have to go home, I hate it at home and I really like it here because here I have more than just one friend to hang out with.
When I got home, I feel like, well I feel like there is no room for me to act the way I act here, I can't go out late, even if there's nothing to be done the next day, I can't talk on the phone, the internet there barely works and I can't just go see friends because that requires that I leave the house and use gas and so on.
My parent's answer to everything is me being at home and having a job and taking medication. I doubt any of those things will make me feel that much better now, since being at home is something I really hate, its a chance for me to get yelled at and called a failure. And as far as getting a job, I don't mind it, but then again, if I get the job while being at home it will be doing something and then coming home to sit alone and get yelled at.
I think a lot of hinges on the fact that my parents consider things in life to be something you have to do, I mean like they say that no one has a job they like, you just work to get money. Well that's bullshit, because what about people who wanted to be writers or artist or who wanted to work with technology and got their wish? I don't want to be that billionare who gets to be 80, looks back at his life and realizes that through all of his money and trouble, he's done nothing with his family and friends and just become secluded and bitter.
I want to actually be there with my children instead of out of town all of the time. If my parents really wanted me to be happy, then they would at least act like some of the things that I do aren't bullshit. If they actually gave a fuck what I think they would maybe ask me what I want to do in life and accept it instead of saying that won't make enough money or that's not a good idea.
Before I started high school I wanted to be a computer programmer, this was back in Junior High when I really didn't even understand computers very well. My high school had you fill out a bunch of papers and write and essay, like a college to get in. For one I couldn't even choose my school, I was told that I was going to Catholic school and I hated it there the entire time. But after I got through trying not to go I was working on my essay and I wrote about how I wanted to be a programmer. My parents looked at it and told me that I couldn't do that because my math was too bad and I wasn't dedicated enough to work late nights and they went on and on about why I couldn't do it.
Why do they have to add their two cents? Why do they feel a need to always doubt me? Do you know my mom has never laughed at a joke I've made? Do you know that neither of them has told me that I do anyhting well, not in my recent memory, not that I drive well, not that I write well not a damn thing. When I do good in a class they say, Why can't you do that in your other classes?
. When I do good in them all they would say Well, we know that you won't be able to do this next semester.
Through all of this putting me down they sit there and tell me that I'm the one who is negative...I don't want to deal with them anymore.
3 comments:
Hey, I'm sorry things are so down. I can relate... things are kinda "downward spiral" for me right now too. Thanks for the comment. It's nice to know people are still around, especially when I find out people who I thought were friends never considered me one and find it easy to dispose me from their lives. I want to let you know that I think of you as a friend, even if we know each other only through blogger and facebook. You're a good guy. Also, I've kinda been surrounded by people who think medication is the answer, but we live in a drug society so that always seems the logical answer. No one wants to deal with the bigger problems and find out what's causing it... they just want to cover it up with chemicals. I'm not going to give my life over to a pill, however I understand that there are instances in which medicine is okay... but that's usually when you know what the problem is. My first final is tomorrow and I'm a little stressed. I really think college is the reason for my roller coaster ups and downs. It doesn't seem to be a very happy environment half the time, but going home doesn't solve that. I live with my parents right now. You can't really get away, you just have to get through it. And I want to get through it. Soon, when I'm done here, I'll be able to truly make all my own decisions and make a happy life for myself. Live where I want, have a job and a degree, and have my house decorated with the bare minimum so I don't fall into the materialistic world of greed that so many people do. I really hope you find your answers. I think I've found mine by determining the problems to be college and Robert. It doesn't make me feel better or take away the roller coaster, but at least I know. When I feel to awful, I realize what I need to get away from. Sometimes I go out with a friend, or I stay in and play a video game. I don't know what classes I'm going to pass and what I'm going to fail. But, I'll be praying for us both to be in school next semester if that is what we choose we want... I would like that option to at least be open for the both of us. Good luck Justin!
Thanks a lot for the comment, I really haven't had one in so long. I don't think that things have really bene normal around our little group, so many of the people on here are busy now.
I am really torn up over the whole thing with my friend and I just know that when this all goes wrong she's going to want to come talk to me to feel better. I don't get what she thinks I am, but I really can't have someone using me to cry on and then when I need someone just walking off.
I know exactly what you mean. A lot of the friends that I used to have would come to me with problems, but then make no effort to stay friends or even in contact. If I need a friend or someone to talk to, they're just "too busy" and don't have any free time coming up in the future. In other words, unless I'm going to do something for them or give them something, they'll be too busy. Still, I won't turn down anyone who comes to me needing someone to listen to them. Maybe I'll find a few real friends in it all. Good luck with your friend and sorry to hear about the whole Nicole-Carrie situation. That's a bad deal... and definately not right.
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