I'm glad its winter break and I can be alone at last, I really don't want to deal with people right now because I'm just starting to get angry. I am getting tired of being over looked and treated as if I don't matter and I am just tired of getting blamed for stuff and getting told that I am not trying.
I'm also tired of being ignored and over looked by people just so they can be around other people that they don't know as well and that don't even treat them right. Everytime I think I have a new friend its the same thing over again, just like what happened with Allison, she just walks away and decides that she doesn't need me just because she met some guy that's probably just going to do things that most guys do when I've been there and talked to her and tried to help and I don't even get any time with her.
I'm fucking sick of people, I'm sick of all them, no one ever really wants you around that long, most of them never really care and the people around you just get tired of you, they get in their little moods and they start to hate you or just ignore you. I really do feel like shit and I hate just having to wake up and know that I am going to have to put up with people that day, that in one way or another, my parents are just going to call and treat me like a fucking disappointing piece of equipment instead of a person.
There's a reason why I don't feel like I have strenght anymore, because I don't. I have to go through so much, and it stacks, all of the arguments with people and the little comments mumble stack and the way people feel really does get to me. And no one cares anymore what I think, peole treat my place like a Rec Center, people call me at all hours of the night and day, and people always ask if I'm okay.
Don't fucking ask me that, if you didn't care enough to call and ask that six or seven months back, don't do it now. Don't pretend you care because its on some piece of paper in a hosptial somewhere that I'm not okay. Don't act like you've stuck it out with me or been there for me to talk to. I don't want people's help or pity half the time. I don't even want half of these people around anymore, most of them just make me upset, or make me see what I don't have or do something else that's just making things more fucked up for me.
I'm just not strong enough to deal with others anymore, and I don't deserve to get anything.
How do I put this? How do I say that things don't get better, this isn't depression or anything like that, this is life. I mean I can't seem to just come by the most simple things out there, I'm ninteen, yet I have never had a girlfriend. I've dreamed of having on and I have worked at it, I've waited...I've done it all and nothing. I try to get my parents to approve of something I do, to think that something I do is good, but I just get scoffing and little side comments. When I first graduated my dad told me that I wasn't going to make it through college, that's all he told me. No one is ever proud of a damn thing I do. It's hurts me to know all of these things, it cuts deep into me to have to realize that things in life are fucking wrong, a lot of them.
There's nothing I can say that will make this clearer, I think everyone has dealt with some form of it. And its bullshit, all of this is. That's what life is..
If anyone's can say they're not depressed in this world, they're not looking hard enough at the things going on in it.
—Fall Out Boy
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