I am Jack's Better Days

Today...fuck. What do I say about a day like today. It was by far the best day that I have had in a long time. And some parts of it make me a little bit sad, like having to say goodbye to a friend that I am only just begining to know. But today was something else. It woke up over at Heather's last night I slept over there with her and Greg.

I had to get up early to go to thearpy, which also went well. I really like the thearpist here at the school, I really can't say the same about the one I go to at the military hospital. Well anyway I went with Heather to see her friend Persphanie, she really is a sweet girl. Someone that would just be fun to hang out with. After that we had dinner with Heather's family.

I really don't feel like elaborating, I'm very tired, I didn't get much sleep last night because I went to bed at 6 and I have been running around all day long. Somehow things got better after dark. Heather, Greg and I came back to our side of town and they were very tired, I dropped Greg off and the second he was out of the car Heather suddenly woke up and wanted to go to the movies. So we started to head that way, then she decided to call a friend of ours to come with us. Well somehow we ended up at the Hookah place again, the three of us and we hung out and it just made my day. I was happy for the first time in a long time.

After today, after all that's happened I had some questions about my future, I just needed a sign to keep going. To know just what I needed to do next. And when I said that I just happened to make a joke about me hitting a deer. Well just after that, as if out of instinct I pulled back on the switch to flash my brights and there were like 20-30 deer on the side of the road in a big group. I don't know what that means, maybe that was what I asked for, some kind of sign from God. It happens all of the time in the Bible, who knows maybe this means something.

And to Heather, I would really like to say thanks for helping me get through so much and for helping me. It means a lot to have someone to talk to, someone who doesn't judge, who offers support and who has been there and understans; same goes to you Eva, it really means a lot to me, and I meant what I said about you being more than a waitress, I got a great friend out of the deal. Thanks for being there, its going to be sad to see you go.

Right now I am so tired that it hurts, and I am sitting here typing this. So much has happened to me in the last few weeks.To my friends, this all means so much to me, thanks for being there through it all, there's a long road to go, but now I know I can make it.

I Am Jack's Plea

I have never searched so hard to find just what I wanted to say, this is something that I wrote because I couldn't express it openly, I couldn't just come out and say it. The things I want to say just don't get said. I feel left out and alone, I feel like damaged goods. Eleven Months I wrote in this thing and I said that I wanted to be able to have someone ask me What's wrong and be able to answer Nothing. Nothing is wrong.

But slowly, slowly and surely I am noticing that some of the things I used to do are coming back to me, but there still feels like there is a hole there. I sit with people and I talk and I just don't feel whole. I feel like a shell, empty and used, nothing left. I say that I want to be there for others, I really want to make sure no one else feels this way. Although I know there must be others that do. I want to show everyone else they have a purpose, I don't think I do. But I want to make that my purpose.

There is so much I want than just this lonliness. I would like to have someone to share with, to talk to, someone who wants me around and who understands. Someone I can be silly in front of and someone I can be serious with, someone who will know when the time is right to do either. I don't feel that I will ever find this. Sometimes I think that I might someday get bitter like I mentioned earlier, it wouldn't be the first time, what happens if I stay that way.

In that same post I asked something else, Were we engineered like this, with some kind of hole in our souls to keep us longing for a closeness that can never be achieved here in life? Is this just a test to see who gets in and who’s out? Was Nicole right, am I just too needy of others, does this want to never be alone mean something else. This medication that I am taking, just how much is it doing to me. Am I the same person that I was before, last year when I wrote Faulty Souls?

No pill, whether it be twenty miligrams or one hundred miligrams is going to pave a hole over in your soul. I write about so much, I used to write about gender issues in here, and I used to go back and forth with other blogs in little discussions. Lately I have been concerned with myself, I have wondered if I am even worth my own time while doing this. But I have lost so much this year without experincing any real loss. No one died, no one is really gone. But people I thought were close to me have been pushed back by a parting of the waters that connected us. Those that I trusted showed their true colors and let me down either in the regard to which they held me or the way that they thought of me as a pawn.

I won't be a pawn, I won't be one to get walked on like I did in the past. I need to choose my friends better and choose the things that I am going to do more wisely. Last year I made the descion to pursue this girl and I wasted almost an entire year on someone who thought of me as just a tool they could use to boost her ego. I can't fall for that again, I have to know what I am walking into is what both parties need.

Heather wanted to know what was going on with me today, she wanted to know what was happening. I wanted to break down and I don't know how else to put it. I feel so stressed and have no way to take it all off. I am so stressed it hurts and I just want to cuddle up next to someone and lay there. I want someone to hold and talk to but I don't have that. I want something to do that makes me forget all of the things going on, I want to forget that I'm medicated, seeing two shrinks, going through a lot of emotional changes while trying to keep a smile and ward off the lonliness. What can you do that does all of that?

What can you do that's going to make it worth while. I need something to change.

I Am One of Jack's Many Uses...

Talking and just saying thing out loud can be very thearputic, my new friends taught me that. Dealing with people who I can talk to and who treat me with at least a little respect, that's what I always need to try and find. In the coruse of my life I think that a lot has shaped who I am, very few times I have gone over the things in here that I think really pushed me to be a certain way.

I look at some of the people around me and I see ambition, love, greed, selfishness, a sense of worth and so many other things from different people. I get so fed up and I don't know where to go, what to do. Earlier I went to IHOP with Heather and her boyfriend Greg, we sat and we talked, and then the waitress that we know there she even sat and talked with us. I felt relieved. I felt like there was something that I could do and a way I could make it.

I need to change who I am in some ways, I need to work on my outlook of others and how I seem to think about things. I have been in so many bad places in friendships over the years and I have suffered the consequences most of the time, and they have been harsh, they snowball and build into a monumental monster. That monster is hard to face when you have no where to look and no one trust, and that's just what that monster is. Everytime you get betrayed, everytime someone shits on you and you just befriend them and let them do it again, that's what you let come into you more.

Somehow I know what that will do to me. Any person can only take so much. When will I have enough and be that old bitter man who hates everyone, lonely, never married, never even really loved? All I have to give is care, all I want to be is there for my good friends and take them further than they thought they could go. I'm not attractive, very smart or funny; but if I can just help someone I care about out, even if its just for a little while. If I can soothe one tear or make someone feel like their not worth nothing, I did something and I can go to my grave knowing I was not a waste. Because you can outlive everyone and do everything that there is to do, but if you don't care about other people, you will die empty and alone.

What was that line from Firefly, You can take a boat up into the skies but its Love that keeps her up, and if you don't Love she will die on your right where you stand. That should be close enough.

I still hurt, just as much as I did last night, and I still feel the same about myself, but at least I will not be useless.

I Am Jack's Split Hate

A New Year is under way and I am supposed to be in bed right now. But I had this on my chest. I had something to get out and for those of you out there who know anything about being a writer, its when you have something to say that its hardest. You can't think about much besides what it is you want to get out and you just have to do it.

I talked with Nicole some earlier over instant messenger and I don't know how it came up but she was telling me why she thinks that I come off bad to girls and it didn't upset me, I just never realized that I come off that way. She said I seem desperate and like I don't care who I end up with, there's too much to really go into at this early and hour. But the things she was saying shocked me because I'm not thinking that.

I might seem like I will just take anyone, but I really don't want to. I don't think many people realize that I look for certain things and when I find them I look at the girl and go, Yeah she would be great for me! But I quickly realize that it's never going to happen and give up on it. I mean the girls I like don't want me, so why should I waste my time trying. I have gone out of my way and bent over backwards, I've tried playing it cool, I've tried not being obvious and in the end the only one hurt is me.

I'm not doing what I want right now, I'm just doing all that I figure I can, I might as well settle because I'm obviously not worth the time of these other girls. Something can't be wrong with all of the girls I like, a lot of them are really sweet girls, some of them it was just an issue of bad timing, and most of the time, its all on me. For those of you who don't know, when I make jokes about myself, when I talk about being insecure or say something that sounds funny, there is no joke. I don't like me, I don't like how I am, who I am, how I look and I don't even like the way I act think or anything else you can think of. I still think I can do a few little things good, like write.

But I don't really have enough invested in myself to work with and I don't see me going anywhere. I mean when you're parents tell you you're a failure and that you're just going to fuck up, and you have so called friends who only kept you around because you were quote easily manipulated. How the fuck would you feel? Would you want to trust others? Would you want anything to do with most people?

When you feel like crying just because you realize how shitty so many of the people you picked to spend your time with are, and that you're just bad at everything, even meeting people; what would you do? How do you get up from a fall when you were still reeling on the ground from the last when you took the current one.

So when my friend tells me that from the outside it looks like I don't like women and I am bitter towards them it hurts, not because I don't want to come off that way, and don't get me wrong, I do not want to come off that way. But because on the inside I feel like I don't deserve these other women, I don't deserve anyone I have or have had a crush on. I don't deserve Nicole because she's strong and independant and I'm not, I don't deserve Kristina because she needs someoen caring and sweet, that's not me at all. I don't deserve...God if I keep this up I will go on for ten pages. The point of the matter is this is how I feel on the inside, this is what I see when I wake up this is what I sturggle with and this is why I am how I am. I don't hate everyone else, I only hate some people, and most of them deserve it. But I hate myself most of all because look how bad things have turned out!

This life is what I have made it, this is my grave that I dug and continued to dig despite the warning signs blarring like so many bright sirens and I am just going to have to lay in it.

I Am Jack's Cautionary Tale

The rightieous man is the hardest to convince that he is wrong, to him every little endeavour is a mission, or some kind of quest from God, something to better society or the like. It's rare that anything we do is for the good of mankind, and the betterment of society isn't really on many people's plates either. It's not in the cards, things don't play out that way, not everyone has that great an effect on the world.

Now don't get me wrong, I'm not taking that We are God's unwanted children stance like in Fight Club, but we have to understand, we call can't be the ones to leave a great mark on the world. Well if you all wanted to know, this is going somewhere. As a matter of a fact its going back to just how much I can't seem to trust anyone around here for more than two seconds. Case in point, there's a certain someone I have known for a year and he thinks that everyone needs to trust him, he always pretends to be this I'm on you're side kind of guy. Many of you must know the type. But he really just seems content to just know everyone else's business and make it seem as if he is helping them out with it.

In reality he is very manipulative, very good a manipulating and he even thinks that he is getting away with it, he figures he has all of us as his little Space Monkeys and that he can do whatever he pleases and that we will just follow along willingly and uncaring of how we end up.

I say all of this about him because I am forced to be around him basically and it pains me to say it, but in reality things work the way that he thinks they do. In his head things are working here he is above all of us and we are so far below that no one else can even see what he is pulling. I really don't know how to go about things now, I guess I will just exist normally and let things unfold how they do, watch my step and tread more carefully.

I Am Jack's Last One of '05

Well here I am, no I'm not dead and aliens didn't capture me, I went back to Houston for a few days and anyone that knows anything about my internet in Houston should know that there is no way in hell that I can easily upload a blog entry from there, I've actually thought about doing it from my new cellphone at times, I got a new one. Not for Christmas but because the old one was broken.

So I guess people are wondering how my holiday went...do the words I'm ready for it to be over give any hints, if so please tell me. I am tried of this time of year. Everyone is cheery right? Well everyone except for most of the people in my imediate vacinity. Heather, you don't count, you're always cheery.

I don't really have much to say, but in a few short hours it shall be the new year, thanks for all sticking around, this is the last hurrah of 2005...may there be many more!

I Am Jacks's Wind

The winds of change are blowing, why? I don't know. Maybe its because I have something here that I didn't see before. Maybe its because I am finally starting to see things they way I should have all along. But there is something I promised I would do for someone. I wanted to go back to the begining of a story. And this, this is my story,this is why I'm a cynic, sometimes rude, sometimes compassionate and always looking to find something behind what's going on, looking for what there is to learn from the situation.

When I say a story, most people will think that a story has to have an ending. I don't think that this one does. I think that this one is on going and I am at the point where I can look back, this is the halfway point.

This story starts when I was younger, and this story may seem like its all about girls, but there's more to it if you look just beneath the surface. In junior high I got my first crush, well I thought she was cute before that, but it was then that I really wanted to do something. Her name was Amie, and as a matter of a fact, I owe her a dance to this very day. Back then I thought that being a man meant liking big breasts, getting old enough to drink and cut a fool and just being macho.

This was in sixth grade. I thought money was the most important thing, and that you could do whatever you wanted to women and if they got mad, fuck em, and if they got pregnant then abort it. My how I have changed huh? I wanted to be one of the guys and they never let me, I wanted to have the hottest girlfriend with the biggest breast and I didn't look at personality at all.

Seventh grade came, and I had English class right next to Amie. I had been more than rejected by most of the cool guys who did the things I wanted to do like make out with girls and other stuff that I only whispered to my friends in the bus seat on the way home.

And sitting there, Amie accepted me, and not only that, she was nice to me. And she had a personality that was winning and sweet and I just couldn't believe it. I had spent that first year of school thinking of her like a lifeless doll to do what you wanted with, I had thought of her as most men on myspace think of the girls they add for looks. I had seen this shell of a person, I didn't look at the soul within.

Well that was the first thing that happened that made me hate how I had been, and I hated other men for being that way. It was odd, my friends like PJ and John weren't like that. They were sensible and I fit in with them, but in my mind I was evil, pure bad and terrible, there is no other way to describe it.

And when I changed I started to act different, I wanted to be better and to develop a personality that made me a better person. Amie and I kind of got to be friends and well when the next year rolled around I got a crush on another girl, Keena. I wanted to do any and everything for her and I cried over her even, it was the first time I cried over anyone besides myself. And I remember I told her I loved her as a friend too, it was the first time I had told anyone that, even in a friendly way. And even though I'll tell John and PJ that I love them like brothers now back in Junior High to say such things was considered gay and shunned. No one wanted to be called gay, that was the worst back then.

When I was forced to leave my friends and go to private school I had to say bye to Keena and my other friends and we all grew a part for a while. Some of them ended up engulfed in drugs, others took to new friends, relationships, and just their own thing.

Its hard to say this, but I miss those days in the last year of Junior High, life was so simple. No one ever wanted sex from girls, at most they'd just go down on them and vice versa, that was the extreme. Getting a kiss was satisfying for everyone! it was enough to hold hands, and she was your girl and you were hers. I wanted that so bad. I just wanted another person to confide in and to be around. Someone who wanted to be with me and only me and I saw it all around me. It hurt on the inside, it really did.

High school, I don't have much to say about it, the guys got worse and they did things like run sexual experiments on girls. I couldn't wait until more of them felt like me, until more guys respected and were nice to women, at least to their faces.

Last year, Freshmen year here I got royaly messed over, I got into something with a girl that never went anywhere and proved to be a waste of time. I caused myself more pain than I needed and I went after someone who was not what they appeared to be. A wolf in sheep's clothing they call it. It was my fault for not seeing the warning signs and blaming others, or just for not watching my step. We all say Never again will I fall for it. We all do it again.

Something was said to me today, College breeds oppurtunities for relationships. This year has shown how many great and wonderful people you can just run into around here. Brandon, Landis, Kay, Nikki, Emily, Sarah, Heather, Eva, Tim, Neemo, Katherine, Greg, Tomei, and God there's just so many from this year! I hope I didn't forget anyone!

Life is just so much better now, I don't know what happened, I don't know what changed, but I just need to go home tomorrow, or later today, for those of you not privvy to the rule set up by PJ and I*, and tell my parents everything, tell them my plan, how I will make it and how I am ready and how I have something to stand on now. How people have taught me, I have my own two feet, Kay taught me that. I have me and that's enough and other people, I have them behind me, someone is backing me. And I'm going to do this, all of this. I know I told this story fast, its longer, there's more to it and if you ask me, maybe we can go to Starbucks and I can tell it to you someday. We can sit and talk about it and you can tell me yours too. I wrote this down so there's a record of it, I wrote this so whoever sees it can see. I wrote it so they can see how far I've come, and how far I have to go. I wrote it because I wanted Heather and the others to see, she asked for it, it's long I know. And I wrote it because a potential new friend (you know who you are) asked me to tell them and we didn't have time.

This is to show you, Don't try to live so wise, don't cry 'cause you're so right, don't dry with fakes or fears, 'cause you will hate yourself in the end...

*_{For those who don't know, the rule set fourth by PJ and I is that "If one stays up past midnight, it is not deemed the next day until one: a) falls asleep and wakes up or b)it is noon.}

I Am Jack's Funk

Sometimes a day just makes you think that you have a chance to make it, today was one of those days. I don't know what it is about how everything is going today. I am honestly going to try, I am really going to do this thing. No matter what it takes I'm just going to have to make it.

I don't know if I mentioned this yesterday, but I am writing this from the fourth Incarnation of this computer. That's right, The Queen Is Dead! My computer had to be reformated yesterday and at 6:08 PM this incarnation was born. I have some work to do with it still, two hard drives to add, files to spread out and that kind of thing, but I lost no data and things so far are good. I do need to go get an AOL disk and the like, but that's all.

Having a clean computer, a clean dorm and just trying to pick myself up, the writing again and such is really helping lift me out of this little funk, and to know I have people there pulling for me helps a lot. Although there are some things nagging at the back of my mind. Like for one, why did my parents ask for Allison's number? What do they need it for? But its not a big deal, they don't know anything that would cause me any trouble, and neither does she really.

Well I have to go, just bored of this and I have little things to fill out, see you all.

I Am Jack's Attention

It's been an eventful day and I really haven't left the dorm except for once. I don't know how to say all of it in this short little passage, but one thing I can tell you, this program restarted with out the ability to use word-wrap and this parargraph is gone fucking nuts.

Now that I fixed it, let me start by saying that my old roommate, Brandon is moving back home and I am going to be sad to see him go. I'm going to miss you bro. Now, I have been told that if I don't get a job very shortly I will have to move back home too, I am determined to get a job and keep myself here, I really don't want to go back home and I actually do think that. No one seems to listen to me on that, or anyhting else. I mean right now I take my meds, I try to wake up at a resonable time and I am trying my hardest to be in better shape. But for all of the things that I am doing my parents seem to want to make things that I have been doing for years seem like they are so detrimental to me going back to school.

What they don't seem to or want to understand is that if a person is saf then they're not going to want to do anything, whether they're being watched or not. Whenever I try to even talk to my dad about anything all he can repeat is Did you hear what I said? or Because I told you to. That's not an answer, that's shit you say when you don't have one, and I told him that on the phone one day.

So tomorrow I am going to try and go out and try and find something quick to get them off my back. But there are still other problems. I can't seem to get much alone time these days. And I know what everyone is going to say, You're depressed and you want to be alone? That's stupid! No its not, see I am a writer and part of the nature of the beast is the need to be alone and with your own thoughts. Like right now I am here writing this in a room with just my fan television and bed. No one is going to yell from the other room Dude, come check this out. And if there's a knock at my door I can ignore it.

During the semester there is always something going on, always a phone call or just anything to get you to leave that room so people will be pleased with you. I don't know if its the depression speaking, but I really don't like having everyone pleased with me. There are some real assholes out there and I know at times I do things that others do not agree with, I drink like twice a year and that pisses people off, but you know what, I have never been drunk, never had my drinking causes me to miss school or end up acting like an ass, so get off my back. It's not like I'm chugging a bottle of goldshlogger and driving a big rig with hookers going down on me...I drink like one smirnoff twice a year!

There's too many people to tell you what to do when it doesn't matter and not enough to give you advice when it does.

In my case people give advice and half of the time I look right at their even more fucked up lives and wonder how they can scoff at me. I mean the advice may still be good, but don't be a dick when you give it. I don't need your little attitude to go along with it. I really think that most of the time the only people I talk to that give good advice are Kay, Heather, Nikki and PJ, and I rarely even explore that last route.

Today I talked to an internet friend who will remain nameless about her bout with depression, let's just call her Sandra. Sandra told me that she did things to get attention and hoped that someone would notice, but no one really did. She said that if anyone had noticed it would have been like they cared enough to know her well. And now that I think about it I could just be wanting a relationship because I want someone to care enough about me to know when something is really going on with me, not just someone looking at me going Oh yeah, that's classic depression. Maybe that's what depression is about, attention, even if that sounds kind of vain I think we all need it sometimes.

I Am Jack's Lost Train of Thought

Right now there is a lot to say and not very much I can because I can't really get it into words. I need time to think.

I Am Jack's Boiling Words of Rage

I'm glad its winter break and I can be alone at last, I really don't want to deal with people right now because I'm just starting to get angry. I am getting tired of being over looked and treated as if I don't matter and I am just tired of getting blamed for stuff and getting told that I am not trying.

I'm also tired of being ignored and over looked by people just so they can be around other people that they don't know as well and that don't even treat them right. Everytime I think I have a new friend its the same thing over again, just like what happened with Allison, she just walks away and decides that she doesn't need me just because she met some guy that's probably just going to do things that most guys do when I've been there and talked to her and tried to help and I don't even get any time with her.

I'm fucking sick of people, I'm sick of all them, no one ever really wants you around that long, most of them never really care and the people around you just get tired of you, they get in their little moods and they start to hate you or just ignore you. I really do feel like shit and I hate just having to wake up and know that I am going to have to put up with people that day, that in one way or another, my parents are just going to call and treat me like a fucking disappointing piece of equipment instead of a person.

There's a reason why I don't feel like I have strenght anymore, because I don't. I have to go through so much, and it stacks, all of the arguments with people and the little comments mumble stack and the way people feel really does get to me. And no one cares anymore what I think, peole treat my place like a Rec Center, people call me at all hours of the night and day, and people always ask if I'm okay.

Don't fucking ask me that, if you didn't care enough to call and ask that six or seven months back, don't do it now. Don't pretend you care because its on some piece of paper in a hosptial somewhere that I'm not okay. Don't act like you've stuck it out with me or been there for me to talk to. I don't want people's help or pity half the time. I don't even want half of these people around anymore, most of them just make me upset, or make me see what I don't have or do something else that's just making things more fucked up for me.

I'm just not strong enough to deal with others anymore, and I don't deserve to get anything.

How do I put this? How do I say that things don't get better, this isn't depression or anything like that, this is life. I mean I can't seem to just come by the most simple things out there, I'm ninteen, yet I have never had a girlfriend. I've dreamed of having on and I have worked at it, I've waited...I've done it all and nothing. I try to get my parents to approve of something I do, to think that something I do is good, but I just get scoffing and little side comments. When I first graduated my dad told me that I wasn't going to make it through college, that's all he told me. No one is ever proud of a damn thing I do. It's hurts me to know all of these things, it cuts deep into me to have to realize that things in life are fucking wrong, a lot of them.

There's nothing I can say that will make this clearer, I think everyone has dealt with some form of it. And its bullshit, all of this is. That's what life is..

If anyone's can say they're not depressed in this world, they're not looking hard enough at the things going on in it.—Fall Out Boy

I am Jack's "Can't Hardly Wait"

I feel like I can't do this on my own, I feel like I need strong supportive friends who I can look out for and who can look out for me, and I feel that i have truly found someone like that in Heather. She's a really sweet person who, when I first met her, I wasn't even sure that she would ever be around again. Now she's telling me everything will be okay and that she will help me find someone I can at least date.

In the back of my head, I am remembering in the past when I started to trust someone and I stopped seeing all of the wrongs that they were doing. Now I am examining things much closer and trying my best to make sure that I am not walking into this thing without looking at all of my options.

I guess what makes this different than the others is that I'm not trying to date Heather or see her in a romantic way, so that breaks up some of the attachment, if she was up to something shady and wrong I would have noticed it by now, that's why I can trust her I think.

I know that things might be moving fast with this friendship but I really believe that you have to look forward and wait for some things to come to you at times. Tonight Heather and I are going to IHOP, tonight things are going to be all about just hanging out and having fun while talking and solving some things. I can't wait.

I Am Jack's Thoughts

Thearpy today, it was long and boring, I am tired and have not had the sleep that I have so desired to get and I feel like I just need to draw to get this picture that I have in my head out of my system. I'm so tired to the point that I am starting to get sore. My stomach hurts and the only reason I am here writing this is because I was waiting on someone to get back so that I could go to get some food with them.

I've been wondering, is it hard for some people to just accept that someone else may feel different than them? I mean when I have an opinion do I always have to come to an agreement with someone else. And moreso just because something is the norm or even a law, does that mean I need to agree with it just to follow it.

What if I don't give a damn about the grass and would rather walk on it, but just because that sign says not to, I don't? Does that mean that I should be shot for feeling differently, I thought this country was built on free speech, what about free thought? You are free to say as you will so long as you feel as we do?

Where is the fairness in that? I'm starting to feel more and more like I need alone time, and yet here I am at this place where its so hard just to get that.

Well I am going to head out, I am sleepy and its hard to write.

I Am Jack's State of Being

Tonight I just needed a shoulder to lie on, and I had that for a while, I needed to laugh some too, and I got that. But some things about all of this just don't add up. Why do my parents need me to call everyday, why must the baby me and treat me as if I'm seven years younger than I am?

I got really mad yesterday at a friend, and at the table in the cafe, I got mad again because people around here just don't seem to understand opinions. People here are hell bent on proving that their way is the only way, and although I am very quick to say I won't do something, I don't care whether or not someone else will most of the time.

I have been running on four hours of sleep right now, but all I can think about is how bad things seem to keep on doing. I want to just move on, I want to be normal and have a normal life. There's this girl I like right now, she's single, I don't know her very well and I just get a vibe from her that seems really good. I don't even second guess what she's thinking. Only thing is she really says that she doesn't do relationships. And I know this is kind of soon after the whole other thing, not to mention I am torn up over the stuff that just took place.

I'm really scared to form any kind of a bond with anyone right now, including this girl, and that really can't be good. I'm not sure where to take this. And I'm not sure I should take this anywhere. All I can really do is just wait on things to change. As for the depression, I don't see any end to it any time soon.

I Am Jack's Need

Right now I feel so alone, and I'm tired of being the one who seems to be left out, I really don't know if there's any other way to put it. I'm really hurt and I'm just here alone and I don't know how to deal with this. I need somebody.

I Am Jack's Sympathy for the Martyr

Some things are looking up, I am starting to wake up more on time and just to be more alert like I used to. A friend of mine who I just made a little while back might have found me a place to work. I really should feel happier, and I do. But a lot of things still bother me. Recently, I have been taking a closer look at the things I do, my parents always want to blame my depression for everything that I do.

I really want to know exactly what qualitfies as being depressed and what it could cause me to do. I really do think that a lot of things that they do and say are just plain wrong, but what do you do against something like that. Most parents will want to tell their kids to be happy and they will want their kids to do right when they had done wrong and to know the difference. Not to think everything they had done was wrong.

I really don't want to go on about this any longer, but I do have something to say, what is the deal with people that we give too many chances? I have known this girl for almost a year now. I used to consider her a friend, I have even mentioned her on here. Nicole. A few months after I met her I started to see major flaws in her personality, she takes the everyone look at me approach.

I am saying this because she makes no attempt to not talk about others behind their backs every chance that she gets. She also makes no attempt to not make herself seem like some kind of martyr that everyone is after. She acts as if she's at war with everyone and like they are just out to get her when in reality she usually starts the shit by doing something like breaking someone's stuff and not replacing it, or inciting two people to fight by telling them different things about each other. Usually this involves skewing the truth a bit.

When she gets caught suddenly she is the good friend that was trying to mediate but was misunderstood, she is the friend that was helping out for the good of everyone and who got caught in the middle of the nasty argument. Her most recent little action was making friends with someone that I had happened to meet through some other people, let's call her Carrie. I don't know how they get along when everyone you meet has bad things to say about Nicole. But Carrie thought Nicole was cool so she started hanging out with her.

Well the other day Nicole brought up something I had done to Carrie and was wrong about, the problem had been resolved but of course its Nicole's duty to go digging in other people's business even though she can't keep her own shit together. Well I sent Carrie this message:

I just wanted to tell you if I upset you I'm really sorry, but Nicole started a conversation tonight about how I was in the wrong and all of this, and maybe I was. But you have to understand, I don't trust or like Nicole, so if you ever have a problem with me, please come tell me. I don't want her talking to me, or about me. She does things with this sneaky way of trying to get at people through others. I don't want you to get the wrong idea, I have no problem with you or ******(her roommate). And I really like you both as people. But I don't like Nicole trying to give me advice or even trying to talk to me. So the next time you have anything to say just tell me, I'd feel much better knowing it and being able to correct it. Again I'm sorry about the clothes thing I didn't mean to make you feel uncomfortable and I admit it was a bad idea, but I'm glad you told me. Thank you for that. I'll talk to you later.

Not really threating right? It's not even written meanly or anything. Well Nicole got wind of it and is going around trying to tell everyone how I did her so wrong and I'm out to get her and make attacks on her because that's what the whole world is trying to do.

Well I have this to say to her: Look you fucking coward, don't try and tell me that anyone is hurting you, and don't try and use others to get at me or anyone else, you want to have a fight, let's go right out blow for blow, I bet you right now I have the gaul to stay in it and see it out fairly, the only reason I'm putting this up is because I don't know what kind of little smear campagin you've run on me or anyone else. You put on fake smiles and try to get people to come back and be by your side when no one really can feel sorry for you long because most of your problems are of you're own doing. And you keep telling me that you have things in common with Carrie. Liar, Carrie is a smart, fun loving person with an easy going attitude who tells people things that she thinks about them to their face. She doesn't get on the phone and bitch her boyfriend out while others are around, and if she does it at all, she doesn't do it in front of him and be little him like some kind of child. She doesn't use God as some kind of defense and try to call other's bad Christians when she's dating a guy and trying to get him to move in with her. Carrie says words like thank you, please and you're welcome; not to try and trick someone into helping or feeling sorry for her, but to actually show apprciation or ask that something be done.

Carrie also doesn't flaunt or show off anything, she doesn't call you up and whine about stupid shit or force you to listen to her stupid problems that no one care about until the point that you want to just stick needles under your nails to keep from passing out or thump yourself in the nuts to keep from going into some kind of bullshit induced coma. Carrie has never put on music to go sit and cry by because she wanted someone to feel sorry for her. Nor has she spend months trying to trick a guy into thinking that she deserved him, people probably feel like she's someone they actually want to be around. Lastly, Carrie is likable and pretty. Tell me, how are you two so alike.

Don't worry, because before long Carrie will see right through you, as most others do. And it doesn't matter what you say about it, you'll stab her in the back, its your nature. And then you'll try and play the martyr once again and blame her for it. But we all know no one has any sympathy for the martyr.

I Am Jack's Negativity

For those of you on Blogger, the last post was actually written several days ago, right now I'm not feeling too well. I feel like my parents are too quick to call me and tell me how I'm not going to actually get to be in school next semester and how they don't see me being well enough to come back to school. I really don't want to have to go home, I hate it at home and I really like it here because here I have more than just one friend to hang out with.

When I got home, I feel like, well I feel like there is no room for me to act the way I act here, I can't go out late, even if there's nothing to be done the next day, I can't talk on the phone, the internet there barely works and I can't just go see friends because that requires that I leave the house and use gas and so on.

My parent's answer to everything is me being at home and having a job and taking medication. I doubt any of those things will make me feel that much better now, since being at home is something I really hate, its a chance for me to get yelled at and called a failure. And as far as getting a job, I don't mind it, but then again, if I get the job while being at home it will be doing something and then coming home to sit alone and get yelled at.

I think a lot of hinges on the fact that my parents consider things in life to be something you have to do, I mean like they say that no one has a job they like, you just work to get money. Well that's bullshit, because what about people who wanted to be writers or artist or who wanted to work with technology and got their wish? I don't want to be that billionare who gets to be 80, looks back at his life and realizes that through all of his money and trouble, he's done nothing with his family and friends and just become secluded and bitter.

I want to actually be there with my children instead of out of town all of the time. If my parents really wanted me to be happy, then they would at least act like some of the things that I do aren't bullshit. If they actually gave a fuck what I think they would maybe ask me what I want to do in life and accept it instead of saying that won't make enough money or that's not a good idea.

Before I started high school I wanted to be a computer programmer, this was back in Junior High when I really didn't even understand computers very well. My high school had you fill out a bunch of papers and write and essay, like a college to get in. For one I couldn't even choose my school, I was told that I was going to Catholic school and I hated it there the entire time. But after I got through trying not to go I was working on my essay and I wrote about how I wanted to be a programmer. My parents looked at it and told me that I couldn't do that because my math was too bad and I wasn't dedicated enough to work late nights and they went on and on about why I couldn't do it.

Why do they have to add their two cents? Why do they feel a need to always doubt me? Do you know my mom has never laughed at a joke I've made? Do you know that neither of them has told me that I do anyhting well, not in my recent memory, not that I drive well, not that I write well not a damn thing. When I do good in a class they say, Why can't you do that in your other classes?. When I do good in them all they would say Well, we know that you won't be able to do this next semester.

Through all of this putting me down they sit there and tell me that I'm the one who is negative...I don't want to deal with them anymore.

I Am Jack's Lie

I don't know if I have anything to say about what's been going on, I feel like I lost the last person I did really, truly trust who's around me, I tried to ignore it and I tried to just leave things be, but its not possible. It's not like I really hoped that I wopuld get anything out of this or that I thought that I would end up with something as silly as a happily ever after. But now I feel like letting people in has become something that comes at too high of a price, every time I do it I feel more and more that way.

When you look around and you see all of the people who drift through life on nothing of a care, who do have problems but never have a problem relating to others. It's not fair to those of us who really have to work for everything that we get. Well now I am stuck without knowing how to handle this, I don't think I've ever felt so betrayed and just unwanted. I have never known someone to stab me in the back so harshly and not even try to explain why or own up to it on their own.

So I'm not sure if I even have the same friend I thought I did before, either way I'm going to be pissed about it. Because I got lied to and ditched and all I asked for was the truth and someone to hang out with and be understanding.

I'm not ready to go through that kind of pain again.

I Am Jack's Hate

Tell her nothing if not this, all I want to do is kiss

I have been dancing around the true issue here, I have been running from what's been going on because I don't want to admit it to myself or anyone else. I never liked the way things seem to turn out for me, but I never acted as if I was having it harder than anyone else.

But now, what the fuck is it, what is going on? Why is it so hard for me to have anyone that I can count on, not all of the time, just some of the time. Why is it that when I think I have something going good or have someone I can at least be with I seem to fuck it up, or the person just walks away. I have been hiding from everything, I have buried my head in video games and drawing, I have turned back into a Junior High student, back to when I was crushing on Amie and she was only in my mind the one class I sat by her but the rest of the day I was out doing other things.

I would give something, anything to be with someone for just a while and have things go a way that could be considered good. And now I feel like I might lose my best friend, now my world is upside down, I don't want to be here anymore, I don't even want to love anymore. It feels better when you hate someone than when you love someone, when you hate you're angry, you're heart is hardened to what they do and all they can do is piss you off, you want them dead and gone and it bothers you that they are around. No matter what someone does, they will always die, and when they die, you get your wish. Hate will always be gratified in the end.

Love, on the other hand, love might get you nothing, or it might get you everything. Kay you are so lucky to have one that loves you the way Chris does, please don't fuck it up like I do to everything, don't press issues, if he lies to you to protect you and you believe some small imperfect-non-truth that he told you that keeps things going, please don't press him to tell you the dirty truth, it hurts too bad. It might make you rethink things.

When you love you want someone to last forever, that can never happen. And when you love you want to be around someone always, no matter what they are never far from your mind. I can't help but think that no one thinks of me, no one cares enough to wonder where I am or what's going on. And when someone dies that you love, you never forget them, I'm certain I'll be forgotten. All I have here are incomplete stories, shitty drawings, a dumb blog and the memory of annoying the hell out of a girl who I loved.

I have so many problems, when something breaks, is it worth fixing, maybe I should just go home, give this all up and try again later or just stop this all together. No one will worry and I really doubt that it would impact anyone at all. I feel so angry now, angry at everything. I want to just slip away to sleep, and I will soon, but more than anything I just wish this world were over, and things were done. I hate the way it is. I hate my life, my problems and my triumphs. I lost the last thing that I hoped for, I lost what I worked for and now I don't see anything coming my way worth me even trying for.

I fucking hate this place.

I Am Jack's Optimistically Tuned Good News

What to write, what to write. I woke up today feeling better, feeling like there's hope and feeling like I can do this. I don't know what changed, maybe that's just it, everything is getting back to the way I wish it had been all along. Looks like I looked in my pants and found a pair too because I kind of asked this girl out on a date. Nothing to serious yet because I just want to feel something out. Its more of a getting to know you session and I really like those because I think I work best in in a situation where I don't have to worry about others distracting me in any way.

I drove back down here Tuesday afternoon, things were a little hard. I actually fell asleep on the road and drifted off into a ditch, nothing was hurt, not even the car and I had a good laugh about it after the fact. I came back and hung out with some friends, got some pictures at IHOP with the waitress, who was very cute and they even made us a giant pancake penis!

I managed to write some, it was a very good little bit that I did. But for once its in first person, which means that this is gonna be hard. I need to redo all of the stories, I'm not sure if they will all be first person, if they are it will be from the presepctive of a different character each time.

I want this to be my close to final rewrite, meaning that I want this one to only be revised, not rewritten. You know its been years since I just left a story as is and posted it and was happy and I need to get back into that mode. Oh I met another person off my facebook list the other day, her name is Amber and she seems really sweet and friendly. I need more friends like that around. After that I went out smoked some hookah, not much really because I'm not used to smoking. And its just an occasional thing. I guess for me its more about the hanging out and talking.

Right now, I know I want to go play some Smash Brothers, I will talk to you all later and I promise to start updating this thing more!