Birthday Blog

For those who don't know, this is a blog warning them, this week end is my birthday and I plan to be in the Austin /San Antonio area. I'll be twenty-two and I have some plans for what I want to do and most of it just involves seeing people. But on top of that, I just need to get away from Houston for a while. I think staying in this city for too long is poison.

That having been said, there are plenty of sanctioned activities and always some that are off limits. Activities that are off limits include anything:

Anything involving hookers or strippers

Anything involving heights

Anything involving horses

Anything the cops might hit me over the head or taze me for

Anything that alerts the FBI to my music downloading habits

That's pretty much my list...hope to see you all soon.

Not Another Valentines Day Blog

Fuck this holiday!

Don't worry, not this year. I actually have nothing to say about today or today's goings on. My job was pretty much like it usually would be, except with people passing out candy from time to time. But I wanted to come on here and tell all of you about my recent coloring fit, along with my plan to heighten my productivity. I plan to have a story done by the end of lent, for those of you who don't know, that is Easter.

I feel like this is a realistic goal, but I will still go back and edit after it is done. I don't feel like I was writing enough for the last part of the last year, there were many distractions and with me moving out next week, I think I will have much more free time to write than I have in the past. So look for things to be posted here from my newest story, as if anyone cared.

A few days ago I was bored so I watched Juno, I went in not knowing what to expect but I was pretty pleasantly surprised to say the least. I have been listening to some of the songs from the movie although they're probably not for everyone (I never was much of a Moldy Peaches fan before but I respect them) but it has a unique sound and the movie is really cute and heart warming. Not sure what they were really trying to get at, but from what I can tell its like a Knocked Up for kids. Not that the description I gave is something most people would want to hear.

Also in honor of the holiday but as usual, one day late, I am going to Austin for Valentines Day. It should be really fun, I cleaned my car out because I had the seats taken out to do some moving, but I will be putting them back in because it looks silly with out them really. I am hoping that getting out of town tomorrow and just being able to do something like this provides me with some much needed rest from the day to day grind.

Well for the first time in February here I am posting, and here I am signing out.

Metaphor

During one of the many talks that Prentiss and I have had we discussed a metaphor of sorts. Something that he actually posted on this blog over a year ago. Back then it rung true and it brought clarity and light to a situation that I was in. It painted things in a light that made it seem less like I was some kind of bad guy, because back then the girl in question did just that. I won't name her, because there's no point in speaking the name of someone that heartless. But there is merit in reposting what Prentiss said.

For one its a very neat saying and it should be in a book somewhere, a book about dating or something. I see so many guys going through this and I just know that if there were someone to tell them this they might understand what they need to do or at least not feel so alone.

So here it is:

A woman has a close male friend. This means that he is probably interested in her, which is why he hangs around so much. She sees him strictly as a friend. This always starts out with, you're a great guy, but I don't like you in that way. This is roughly the equivalent for the guy of going to a job interview and the company saying, You have a great resume, you have all the qualifications we are looking for, but we're not going to hire you. We will, however, use your resume as the basis for comparison for all other applicants. But, we're going to hire somebody who is far less qualified and is probably an alcoholic. And if he doesn't work out, we'll hire somebody else, but still not you. In fact, we will never hire you. But we will call you from time to time to complain about the person that we hired.

Cheetos

Here's to that special someone who makes sure to never wash or lick their hands until done with the cheetos, just so they have that chance to lick the excess cheese from the tip of their fingers.

Darkness

It's one thirty in the morning and I was hauling the trash out to the end of the drive way. If you have ever been here you have seen how long that could take. Well before I went out I noticed my dog barking but she is always doing that, so I ignored her. I go outside and then almost immediately when I get out there I have this super uneasy feeling. Not the same uneasy feeling I have almost constantly now (thank you LIFE), but this was something else. It felt sinister.

I don't think I have ever felt like that before, it reminded me of a dream that Brandon told me about. He said that there was something in the dream that just felt pure evil, like darkness being right there next to him. That's how it felt outside. It felt like the world outside was wrong, too quiet, the wind was gone and suddenly its very warm compared to what it was like earlier. The sky was too bright, yet the street and my yard seemed too dark. Every shadow seemed to extend further than it should have and the whole world seemed out of whack out there.

I had to put out three cans, it would usually take me fifteen minutes and I would listen to music while doing it and have a little fun with it. I didn't turn on my music tonight. I didn't think about anything else besides getting the job at hand done and getting my ass back in doors. Almost suddenly when I got back inside I felt right again. I don't know what that was I felt, I walk out into that yard every day on the way to work and I have never come across something like that.

And I hope I never do again.

Skin Deep?

Working retail has taught me something about costumer service. And its basically this, the better looking the person, the better they get treated, this is a general thing. Now this doesn't always apply, for instance, I work on the phones so its hard for me to judge how someone looks. But when it comes to people on the sales floor its pretty obvious.

Case in point there are a lot of times when I come back and look around and the guys in the back will be standing around, not selling anything, not even trying to help a costumer. Basically they won't try to help until prodded. Where as when a cute girl comes in suddenly they're employee of the month. A good example is when Lauren came into my store, she had more than four people trying to help her. Where as usually you have to work to get just one.

I think that in a way we're all guilty of this, when it comes to beautiful people in general. Pretty people get treated like there's something truly special with them, and there really isn't besides the fact they are pretty. Its funny to note, that pretty women will get put on such a pedestal that they think they're unattractive because guys won't talk to them. Now in the guy's head she's too pretty. In her head the lack of attention means she's ugly. Guys will seemingly avoid them sometimes and if they are trying to talk to them, its a very careful conversation.

I often wonder how many people notice that they are being treated differently solely based on looks?

Fear

Fear is a great thing, its one of those emotions that while it seems bad serves a good purpose. Last night I had a dream that confirmed for me a fear that I have had for a long time. I dreamt I lost someone, not to death or something like that, but just lost them as a friend. Someone I cared dearly about. It was bad how it happened, it was awkward and the dream seemed out of place but maybe it was there to show me something. I have had two dreams recently, both involving fear, different kinds of fear.

This last one was about me having a going away party, and some people were there, some of the people from work were there too, which was odd because they weren't the people from work I usually hang out with. Well there were different tables we were all sitting at, and over the course of time someone I really wanted to just see before I went where ever, got up and walked over to the other table and just didn't talk to me again. Instead of having fun I spent the whole night watching and hoping they would come back, it felt so odd.

The other dream was at the fault of Cloverfield which I discussed in the previous blog. I dreamt something was attack this city, not Houston or some other city I have ever seen (none of the landmarks made sense) but we were running from it. And I remember thinking to myself that I just need to make sure that "she" makes it. The person was right there with us, yet my concern was keeping her safe. And what got me was that I feel like this is how I would really act. I disregard my own safety all too often, not sure why I wouldn't do it again.

But I remember the fear I felt when I thought that some harm could befall this person and that feeling was probably the worst dread I have ever felt in a dream. Fear is what the basic Fight or Flight notion is based on. But when you fear for someone else the only logical choice is to fight. Now, the only real question is...

How the Hell do I apply this to a real world setting?

Cared?

Cloverfield was a pleasant surprise of a movie, the kind of thing you expect to be okay and it turns out being so much better. The movie was pretty impressively realistic, with good special effects, but not so good as to overshadow the real point of the movie. Now don't worry about spoilers, I'm not going to discuss the movie at all except to say something about the basic premise.

How far would you go to save someone who you cared about? That's the basic set up of the movie. You have these ordinary people, everyday twenty-somethings and they are thrust into this world of chaos, confusion and terror. There were times in the movie when my heart would almost stop in the movie just because I could imagine how it would feel to be in that situation, with people I care about.

Prentiss and I always joke about our plan for when Zombies attack, we never actually thought of giant monsters. But this raises still more questions, who would you save if this really happened? How far would you go to save someone that you loved, someone who you wanted to tell you loved?

One thing I will say, regardless of how much of a spoiler this might be to some of you more sensitive types. But the amount of courage displayed by all of these characters is admirable. It's the kind of thing that we need to see more of in the world around us. And the lesson here...is the kind of lesson we need to see more of in movies. So often we see movies where the bad guy is against an impossibly collected and cool hero, someone who we can't honestly identify because they're not like us.

This time, we see real people, in an unrealistic situation, go and risk their lives to save someone they care about. I won't tell you how it turns out. I won't even sprout off some of my favorite lines. What I will say is go see this movie and then tell someone you care about how you really feel.

A Wall

I'm at the end of my rope with this, it really doesn't do me any good to keep chasing after people who obviously don't want to be friends. For all my effort and pushing, the lack of friendship I get in return is just horrid. I feel like an idiot for trying this long, for entertaining the thoughts in my head so far.

What I honestly thought to be a good solid friendship wasn't the same to the person on the other end. People are fickle and will forget any thing thats right in front of them. You're only good it seems so long as you have a use and when that use has run out or isn't there, what reason does anyone have to keep you around? You used to be so kind to me, say such nice things. Everything is so forced now, so coarse.

I hate how you ignored my obvious friendly gestures and keep try to keep things as impersonal and sterile as possible. It makes me feel like I did something wrong, like I wasn't good enough. Which is a feeling I know all too well and I would spend days trying to just think of what to say to make it better. Did you mean to do all this, did you mean to make me feel as if the person I thought you were isn't really there at all? I'm wondering if what I am seeing now is the changed you or the real you.

Either way, I don't think I can have any part in it, I think I was ready to accept who ever you were that came back to me, except for when you're like this. Because really, all that seems to be happening is you're trying harder and harder to push me away. And its working.

Eulogy

Those of you who know me know that, writing or speaking, I am not often at a loss for words. Preparing this eulogy was not easy for me. This is indeed a sad day for all of us. My brother meant something different and special to each and every one of us. In loosing John we have lost a son, a father, a brother, a husband, an uncle and a friend. While sharing our grief with one another will help us ease our burdens, I think John would prefer we remember the good times.

John was a man with a schoolboy's heart, a novelist's eye and an artist's soul. He was the kind of person you could talk to about anything because he would never judge you. He lived his life by is own rules and made no apologies for it. You either GOT John or you didn't. He was fine either way. He could be immature at times but the truth is he never lost touch with his inner child.

He was my big brother. Being as close in age as we were John and I had many of the same close friends. We were two years apart in school and even shared some of the same teachers along the way. In at least two cases (Mrs. Washington in fifth grade and Mrs. Johnson in high school World History) John set a standard that I was told, in no uncertain terms, I could not measure up to. Those two ladies GOT John.

Our closeness might have created a fertile environment for sibling rivalry. But our Dad always told us we had to stick together through thick and thicker and we did. As a child I remember him as both a guardian angel and a co-conspirator. Depending on the day we could be the dynamic duo or Frank and Jessie James. We laughed, cried and sometimes fought together the way all brothers do. But even when we were at odds we always knew we had each other's back.

I followed him in the Army Reserve and we served for a time in the same unit. We were brothers-in-arms as well as brothers. John was proud of his service and regarded himself as a soldier all his life.

He brought that same devotion to his friendships. As those of you who were friends with John know, he was not Will Rogers. He met people he didn't like and he wasn't afraid to tell them. On the other hand if you were his friend then you were his friend until December 25, 2007. He was a very loyal friend. He always found time for his friends; they held a special place in his heart and he would go to the ends of the earth for them.

So many people have asked what they can do to help ease the pain of this loss. The answer is nothing. You see this isn't the first time I have lost someone who meant the world to me. So I know time will ease the pain but it won't go away. I will draw closer the brother I have left, my family and our friends many of whom were like family to both John and I for so many years. That won't take John's place in my heart but hopefully it will fill the space.

While nothing will erase our pain, I will ask you all for one thing on John's behalf. I know my brother left lots of things undone and there are other things he never had a chance to start. He was a young man living, like most of us, with the belief that he had plenty of time. My request to those of you asking what you can do to help is simply this: Do something you keep putting off. Go on that once in a lifetime vacation. Run the marathon. Learn to ski. Go dog sledding. Whatever it is take the time and do it. Do this in honor of John and for yourself.
Leave as little un-done as you can.

Finally, let's be thankful for all the special moments that my brother has left us and for the way that he touched each and every one of us and changed our lives. I hope that John will continue to live on in all our hearts and minds.

Obituary

John Aurthur Caynon Junior was born in Fort Pierce, Florida on February tenth, nineteen sixty-five. He was the firstborn of three children from the union of John and Margie Caynon.

he attended Andrew Carnegie Elementary and Edgar Allen Peo Elementary, HISD, schools in Houston, Strack Middle and Klien High, KISD schools in Spring, Texas. He also attended the University of Houston.

In school, John was a Boy Scout, ran track, played the violin, and was introduced to computers and the world of technology. He also studied woodworking and demonstrated a special talent for anything mechanical.

At age seventeen, he became a member of the Army Reserve, serving in the 4005th US Army Hospital Unit as a radiology technician. He was deployed in support of Operation Just Cause and Desert Storm. he received the following awards and decorations; Army Commendation Medal, National Defense Ribbon, Expert Rifleman, and Expert Grenadier.

John married Luz, Gabriella on October 31, 2001, and made his home in San Antonio, Texas. To this union, a son Jon was born in 2002.

Everyone who knew John knew that he was a nonconformist; his occupations did not reflect his talents. Hon was a gifted artist whose creative streak ranged from, drawing and painting to digital media. He was a gifted mechanic as well and he loved technology. The running joke among the family and friends was that there was nothing "high tech" John didn't want or believe he didn't needed.

On December 25, 2007 John died at the age of 42, from complications resulting from an automobile accident on May 19, 2007. He is survived by his wife Luz Caynon; Son Jon Caynon; father Dr. John Caynon and wife Dr. Josephine Session; brothers Justin and Jeffery Caynon; sister in law; Gail Caynon; sister, Rhonda Session Waldon; nieces and nephews, Jacob, Jessica, Jennifer, John and Joseph; and a host of aunts, uncles, cousins and friends. He also leaves special friends Anne Ortiz and Kristina Belcher.

He is preceded in death by his mother, Margie Virginia Caynon, and bother maternal and paternal grandparents.

After the funeral when we were just sitting around drinking and talking one of Johns friends Chuck said, "You know you're brother loved you alot and spoiled you rotten; if you're half the man your brother was, you'll make a great guy." He was pretty drunk but I don't think truer words were spoken that night. My brother is loved and will be missed, but he'll never be forgotten.

There Are No Christmas Miracles

I haven't really spoken about it to many people, those of you who don't know its probably because I just hate the look people give me when they respond. I hate the fact that this had to happen of all times, on Christmas day. I guess I should go back and explain myself. My brother, John Caynon Junior died at 11:40 on Christmas night. He died alone in a San Antonio nursing home while still in a coma. The call came just before midnight. I think even when the phone was ringing I knew it was trouble.

I think that my brother and I were close, because we had a lot of fun together, even when we argued or fought. He was one of the strongest people I know, he's been to Iraq, he's been shot (not while there) and he's been through alot. He was a hard worker and he really did care but he hated to show it. He liked to make people laugh and laugh and it showed when you really got to know him.

I think I needed some time to sort all of this out in my head. I think that at first the shock was so much that I just kept going at normal pace. I kept running through everything doing what I could, being the person I've been for a long time now. I was already upset with Christmas, I feel like this year has just been, well the worst year ever. Even when my mom died that year still didn't seem like anything else bad happened. But this year I have lost friends, lost a brother, right now I have a friend who might be dying in a hospital bed of cancer, things keep getting worse and worse and I am just trying to look for the light at the end of the tunnel.

I don't try to remain positive, that's not me, I don't work well when people are too hopeful and positive, I'm the kind of person God made to offset that. My oldest brother is gone and I'm so shocked...I still felt like he was here even when he was in the coma. My good friend Meina is in the hospital and her courage and positive attitude should be a reminder to us all what someone can do if they have the will.

But in the back of my mind, I think I know now that all the movies were wrong, miracles don't happen on Christmas. Christmas is just another day of the year...its nothing special to anyone up in Heaven or down in Hell just because we slapped a day on some calender. Real miracles happen everyday, you just have to look for them. Maybe the miracle was John getting to see Mom again, not sure really. But I guess I know he's at peace and he knows how much we all love him. In Meina's case, we can still hope for a miracle, she can still come home.

But I guess, as they say, that's all in God's hands.

I'm A Fake

Intro to "I'm a fake" by the Used

Small, simple, safe price.

Rise the wake and carry me with all of my regrets.

This is not a small cut that scabs, and dries, and flakes, and heals.

And I am not afraid to die;

I’m not afraid to bleed and fuck and fight,

I want the pain of payment.

What’s left, but a section of pygmy sized cuts.

Much like a slew of a thousand unwanted fucks.

Would you be my little cut?

Would you be my thousand fucks?

And make mark leaving space for the guilt to be liquid.

To fill and spill over and under my thoughts.

My sad, sorry, selfish cy out to the cutter.

I’m cutting trying to picture your black, broken heart.

Love is not like anything.

Especially a fucking knife.

Even If It Kills Me

I’ve got a lotta things to do tonight


I’m so sick of making lists


Of things I’ll never finish


I’ve lived here for the last 12 years


Since early 1995 all my shit has been in boxes


But if I had a little more time to kill


I’d settle every little stupid thing


Yeah you’d think that I would



But I’m too tired to go to sleep tonight


And I’m too weak to follow dreams tonight


For the first time in a long time I can say


That I want to try to get better and


Overcome each moment


In my own way



I wonder if I’ll ever lose my mind



I tried hard for awhile


But then I kind of gave up


Winter is killer when the sun goes down


I’m really not as stubborn as I seem


Said the knuckle to the concrete


But I’m too tired to go to sleep tonight



And I’m too weak to follow dreams tonight



For the first time in a long time I can say


That I want to try to get better and


Overcome each moment


In my own way



I’m not saying that I’m giving up


I’m just trying not to think


As much as I used to


Cause never is a lonely little messed up word


Maybe I’ll get it right some day


For the first time in a long time I can say


That I want to try


I feel helpless for the most part


But I’m learning to open my eyes


And the sad truth of the matter is


I’ll never get over it


But I’m gonna try


To get better and overcome each moment


In my own way




I sure want to get back on track


And I’ll do whatever it takes


Even if it kills me

PC

So this story starts out with this strange need for me to play Metal Gear Solid for the Game Cube, I found out the game stop near my house had it and when I went to pick it up they IDed me, whats more is the guy who worked there has known me for like, ten years. He even knew it was me coming to get it. Now more recently he's taken to looking like Grizzly Adams, but that's besides the point.

I ask him what's with the new policy and if they had some trouble out of kids buying games when they're underaged. For those who don't know, games much like music and movies have a rating system, the ratings are fuzzy at times because so many of them seem unnecessary. But the system has been in place since the early nineties and has to be on any game sold in the United States after then.

The game I brought was rated, M for Mature. When I asked the guy behind the counter he said that they had to check every ID and he went on to say that it was because since Hilary Clinton was running for office she was stepping up her campaign against the gaming industry. Not sure if any of you really thought about what I just said there. But take this to heart, if this is the case and you must ID for mature video games, that means video games are more dangerous than fucking cigarettes. That means they're more dangerous than alcohol, both of which kill countless people a year.

I mean how stupid does that sound? Or is it just me. The gaming industry has caught a lot of shit for being too unpoliced. More often than not its the parents who should catch shit for it. The government shouldn't have to tell a store what to sell me, a grown person. We're not talking about air port check points, this is a video game store. What's worse is I don't see it getting any better for anything. There's talk of making any movie with smoking rated R.

That would mean your kids couldn't pick up a copy of 101 Dalmatians because Davile, in the movie, smokes. Political Correctness is a virus that's infected this world and is drowning us.

Identification Verification

It seemed that as far as Dee was concerned a little exposure went a long way, she needed to stay out of the overly watchful eye of others. She had a certain knack for attracting the attention of people who she really didn’t want seeing her.

Tonight was a rainy, the overcast clouds seemed to dip down and scrap across the tops of the buildings even. On the roof of this hospital Dee could stand under the large decorative cover and be just out of the rain. The wind still passed under and whipped through her hair every once in a while.

The dark curls swayed and bounced and hit her in the face some of the time as she just stood and smoked her cigarette. The Angel of Death had little to worry about as far as lung cancer was concerned, but she still took some comfort in smoking, the smell more than the feeling it brought her.

She polished off a long thin cigarette to the point where the rain had pretty much ended its run and let it fly from the rooftop with a sigh. As she reached for the next one she felt her cell phone ring, she slipped the Bluetooth ear piece on under her hair and then answered, “Go ahead.”

The voice on the other end was chipper, a young girl with a British Accent, “Yeah I thought you said that they had good food in this city…”

“They do Madeleine,” Dee said softly, “You just have to know where to look.”

Madeleine’s voice on the other end of the phone seemed louder suddenly, “But it seems to all be Mexican,” she paused, “I don’t like Mexican.”

“Have you tried Soul Food?” Dee asked.

“What’s that?”

“For a person who doesn’t have to actually eat since they’re not even alive you’re picky as Hell,” Dee quipped.

“You’re picky about those damned cigarettes of yours and you don’t even have to breathe…” Madeleine retorted.

Dee nodded, “Alright, you win this one,” she fumbled for a cigarette now that she had been reminded, “But let’s just try and go out and get something together, I can be back there in a few minutes…”

“I’m starved, just bloody teleport here!” Madeleine said.

“I would but I’m not that far along yet.”

“How much of your power would you say has returned?” now she could hear Madeleine tapping on a table or something.

“I would have hoped it’d be about twenty five to forty percent,” Dee sighed, “But it feels more like about ten…”

“But considering your rank and the amount of power you have, you’re still going to be strong.”

Dee sighed again, “Its just that I miss some things…”

Madeleine laughed, “Don’t worry, you’ll be back soon enough,” she paused, “Think I’m going to watch something on the telly, hurry and get back.”

Dee smiled, “Alright, Maddy,” the phone clicked as she hung up and just as she was reaching for the ear piece there was a flash of lightening and then an impact. Something hit her hard in the middle knocking her into the air and through the large covered atrium of the hospital. Her body flipped and she lost the Bluetooth in the night.

Rain pelted her as she rolled through the air and instinctively she opened her huge white wings and brought herself into a dive to pick up speed before swooping back up. She searched around the skies for the culprit of the hit, she’d seen a form only briefly before being the impact.

Off in the distance she heard a strange voice, “You should have expected this, bitch!” the voice sounded almost like two voices at once.

Dee made back and flew straight for him, her arms out at her sides, “What kind of person just flies into someone like that?”

There was a bout of laugher, “Why I do of course!”

Dee slammed into him from the side and as she did she was met with force on her end. The two of them tumbled down through the rain rolling about in the air. As she took her punches at him her fists burned red hot with flames, one of the other descriptions she had as the Angel of Death was the Angel of Fire and Destruction. She could control most fire with just a thought, Pyrokenesis.

Her opponent didn’t seem phased from what she could see, he kept on swinging back, one of them landed square in her eye and she winced, they were hard hits for a regular Angel or Demon to be doing.

The two of them were nearing the ground and when Dee looked back the other creature kicked off of her knocking her down into the top of a small fast food joint, she landed back first laying there, her opponent landed standing over her, she could see now that it was the tall lanky man she’d come across earlier.

He smiled down at her as he put a hang around her neck, his coat was open and his chest was vacant of any other kind of covering. There was a large tattoo covering most of his chest, “This is disappointing,” he said, “The new Angel of Death…I hope you're better in bed than you fight, then maybe you could at least give me something to leave here with...”

Dee’s hand went down to the gun at her side, she kept it more often for confrontations with Humans but it would buy her some time here, “If you want me so bad come take me…” she opened fire hitting him in the face, neck and chest several times. He loosened up and she got her feet back and kicked him up off of her.

The lanky man flew back up into the sky, his wings were black she could tell now, judging by the tattoo and the wings she could tell who she was dealing with, “One of Satan’s Elite Guard? Hm you’re not my type anyway.”

He was writhing in pain, clawing at his wounds, “You insolent whore, what’ve you done to me?”

“The bullets are iron and have a hollow Holy Water tip,” Dee said, “They’d kill a bottom feeder demon, but for big shots like you I’d just expect there to be a little stinging.”

“Hm, it would seem you are prepared…” he said.

“Yeah and if you want to wait around I’ll have half of Heaven down here to kick the shit out of you for breaking the treaty…” she paused for a moment to remember the exact line, “Those in Satan’s Elite guard are strictly prohibited from attacking any member of the six Arch Angels…the war is over, and has been for some time now.”

“You know your treaty little girl,” he said.

“I’m the keeper of all contracts in Heaven and Hell.”

“And it would seem you live up to it, Death,” now the lanky man sighed, “But my attack was only to see if you were who you seemed to be, this isn’t a military action, no we’ve got our hands too full in Hell for that.”

“Hands full in Hell,” Dee repeated, “What’s going on?”

The lanky man folded his arms, his pain seemed to have subsided now, “There’s a new war brewing, and before long it might spread back to Heaven…rival factions in Hell.”

“Why hadn’t God notified us?” Dee asked.

The lanky man smiled, “He has his way of doing that from time to time.”

“And who might you be?” she asked.

“Asmodeus the Lustful,” he answered.

“Makes sense,” Dee started to pace around, “So do you have the proof you need?”

He nodded, “The proof is sufficient…”

She holstered her gun, “Then leave me be,” as she said this he just nodded and vanished in a flash of light. Dee hunched her back over and opened her wings shaking them dry as best she could before taking off again to fly off into the night.

Last Night

Last night things seemed to happen in so much of a slow motion. Usually she turned down the invitation to go to a party, I’m not sure what made things different this time but I doubt it matters. The whole thing was going down at a friend’s house on a cold autumn night.

I was frustrated when I met her there, I wasn’t sure what to expect from her. Things had been going down hill for a long time, the fall that never ends. Why was it so hard for us now? We’d been best friends for years and when we started to date for a while things suddenly took this turn.

She was dressed in a thin black dress with white polka dots, there was a little tie up ribbon around the waist. Her hair was down, as it always was. She had this thing about ponytails, she was just against them for some reason.

Her face was stretched to a forced smile, her front teeth showing, they were bigger than they should have been and it just gave her this cute sincere look. I should have known better than to take that as the truth, though.

The music was loud and I could barely hear it as she yells to me, “Glad you could make it Perry,” her green eyes shine up at me. Something in her voice made me nervous, even before the party was off in full swing I wanted to be out of the crowded house, I wanted to be home alone studying for the test next week. This party became a prison, the people barring me in. I’d climb the walls for oxygen.

“Thanks for calling me up,” I lean in to give her a kiss instinctively, she pulls back at first as if its instinct and but the mark still lands square on her cheek. As she nervously brushes the maroon hair down from her face she starts to bounce with the music. Now I yell to her, “You look so beautiful in that dress, just perfect tonight.”

A half hearted smile spreads across her lips, her lightly tanned face catches the dim light in a way that shows that one dimple she has that’s deeper than the other. “Why don’t we just dance?”

I take her hand and she leads me out to the dance floor, I’m looking her up and down and somehow I know what’s coming. I push the thought back and I bury it under everything I can inside of my head. Thoughts of school, the idea that I really can’t dance; anything at all to push those fucking feelings of regret down. Is it that I’m coming on too strong?

I’ll wait, but I’m too tired to play pretend, I’m too tired to climb this wall or claw for the air at the top of this tank anymore. I’ll suffocate until the end. We start to dance, as innocently as we can. More innocent than we would have danced as just friends. Best friends turned lovers…better off where they started.

I attempt to get closer to her, my fingers run down through her hair. Her expression changes now, her eyes flinch nervously. She looks up and down my body. Her mouth is open only part of the way. She’s working up something inside, and I want anything to take those words away at this point.

With a little step I go to kiss the side of her neck, she tilts her head up and as my lips meet her warm skin she places one hand on my waist. She whispers something in my ear, but the message is unclear. She steps back and motions outside. I trail her closely from behind as she tries hard not to cry. She shakes underneath the newly fallen pouring rain.

My voice is barely audible, “Ashley…” I go to touch her shoulder.

“I can’t compete with all your damn ideas,” her first words bite into my core, “This isn’t working out for you and me; and the truth is I’m too tired to play pretend. This is goodbye, this is the end.”

Funny Thing...

Funny thing about pictures, they can bring back memories you'd long since forgotten, or maybe you let them go because the memory itself it too painful.


I looked through some old pictures today, and I remembered part of the things that made me start to want something I probably should have known was out of the question.

The Spill Canvas

I had the notion that you'd make me change my ways
My bad habits would be gone in a matter of days
I had the feeling that you'd open up my eyes
To a whole new world that had since been in disguise

But that day will most likely never come for me
And it's just my luck to end up getting stuck
To everything you are

So tonight I'll sit and pick apart your pictures
And overanalyze your words
But the truth is that I've never fallen so hard
It's taking everything in me
Just to forget your sweater so far

I had the notion that you'd make me forget the world
But your undecisive mind shows me that
You are "just another girl"
I had the feeling that those looks you gave me were real
What if I ripped your heart apart at the seams
Maybe then you'd know how I feel

But that day will most likely never come for me
And it's just my luck to end up getting stuck
To everything you are

So tonight I'll sit and pick apart your pictures
And overanalyze your words
But the truth is that I've never fallen so hard
It's taking everything in me
Just to forget your sweater so far

I can honestly say
That I never, ever, ever felt this way
Your lips, your eyelashes, your skin
These are the parts of your body
That cause my comatose to begin

I can honestly say
That I never, ever, ever felt this way
Your lips, your eyelashes, your skin
These are the parts of your body
That cause my comatose to begin

I will sleep another day
I don't really need to anyway
What's the point when my dreams are infected
With words you used to say
I will breathe in a moment
As long as I keep my distance
I wouldn't want to go messing anything up

So don't go worrying about me
It's not like I think about you constantly
So maybe I do, but that shouldn't affect
Your life anymore
I knew it the moment you walked into the door

So don't go worrying about me
It's not like I think about this constantly
So maybe I do, but that shouldn't affect
Your life anymore
I knew it the moment you walked into the door

I'll let you get the best of me
Because there's nothing else that I do well
I'll let you get the best of me
Because there's nothing else that I do well
I'll be the giver and you'll be the taker
I guess that's how this one's gonna go I'll be the giver and you'll be the taker
You've got me down on my knees and I proclaim
All hail the heartbreaker

Irony and Insanity

They say that irony is the lynch pin of comedy, but I don't see anything to laugh at. They say that insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results, I don't think I've reached the point yet. But I can feel that I am close to insanity. How I wish so badly I was wrong. That I was a man who I could say believed that men and women could be friends without it going any further than that or getting ruined.

Sometimes I want to think that girls are so gullible and yet so unwilling to try the one thing that might actually work for once. They're not even willing to take a chance on the people who tell them the truth, the guys that would never hurt them. Maybe the irony here is the masochistic way in which we all behave. The way I have behaved, I stupidly let girls walk into my life only knowing that there is too often the potential there for me to get walked on and over.

And I know full well I am capable of shutting people out, it comes with being artistic and the like. But I never have the heart to do it. And that's the true root of the insanity and irony in this little situation. Killing off a kind nature is so much harder than just being nice after being mean for a long time.

They don't understand what they're doing, they don't know it some of the time and yes we all have our own problems. It drives you insane. But it gets to the point where you want so badly to show them that you never want them in your life again and somehow at the same time, you know the real irony is, you'd want nothing more than to have them there forever.