How to tell you don’t matter

A friend of mine is getting married and had an engagement bash. There wasn’t an invite for me, which tells me something about that friend because they invited a lot of other people. Many of which I didn’t know they were that close to.

It tells me to distance myself from that friend some more.

I actually don’t mind not being invited, but it is telling of where I stand with someone when they don’t tell me about the party to celebrate their engagement. I would think it was secret, clandestine—if I hadn’t seen the pictures posted and tagged on Facebook for the world to see. I’ll never mention the event, but it tells me a lot.

I’m not known for feeling like I matter or I’m important or whatever else. And with my birthday coming up soon it seems like I should feel like that, just for a while. My job doesn’t make anyone feel appreciated (and I think they like it that way). Many of the people around me don’t seem to care whether I’m there or not. So its just what I feel about myself. I’d come with a disclaimer. Sorry—I’m not worth it. But that’s just a self fulfilling prophecy. 

Edit: Just looked through my blogs categories. I’ve got about fourteen fucking million on this mirror of the blog. This place is old…

Attraction Like This Only Happens Once Every Five Years…

I had forgotten what it was like to really be attracted to someone. That can’t stand it, nervous fits of excitement kind of attraction. It’s not in the creepy way or in the same way that you get a crush on someone. It’s an entirely different beast.

For a long time I lived without the fear of rejection from the women I took on dates because I wasn’t that attracted to them. I think when someone first told me that we should just go our separate ways I was shocked by how well I took it. I felt like an adult.

A few years back I was hurt by someone and while she loved me as a friend and probably still does. She didn’t love me how I loved her. After I sulked a while, I felt like I could tackle the world without fear of rejection because I had survived that…even more, our friendship had survived it. Even when I was dating the last girl and we made it a few months before she broke it off in a hasty phone call, it didn’t hurt. So this reinforced my feeling. I thought I’d taught myself to do what I told so many I had.

Not care.

But in truth I had just raised the bar. I fell in love with an intelligent, quirky, cute girl who was ambitious and smart last time around. She wanted a degree and she wrote and stood up to me on anything, and she was critical of my writing and well cultured. Nothing about her was aiming low when it came to what’s to be desired from a woman.

In fact it was aiming higher (and further) than I ever had before. And if Angry Birds has taught us anything, its that it’s really fucking hard to aim high and far…

The girls following her were glitter compared to stars. They were made for TV Life Time movies compared to Oscar worthy films. They were the Sega NOMAD compared to the Gameboy—forgettable, unnoticeable, and even a little unworthy. Not that the girls were bad off or bad for me. But they weren’t for me.

This new thing though, if it is to become a thing, its got the sparks of something big. It’s impressive when you can tell someone what you’re thinking and not have them run screaming. We’re all a little crazy—you’ve just got to find someone who’s brand of crazy meshes well with yours while trying not to go stark raving mad.

Because she’s so…impressive, desirable, fun—I’m scared again. I seriously do care about making this go well and I am afraid I’ve already fucked it up. Right now I’m just hoping that she’s half as sweet on me as I am on her.

Nothing Good…

I get really nervous after a date, even one where I’m sure I didn’t really fuck up. I don’t feel like I’m good enough for the girls I want (and there’s plenty of evidence to back me) and just something like the girl being sick can cause me to think all of the worst things.

I just don’t know what to do about this. I can’t be like this forever. Nothing good will come of it.

Best Date Ever

I’m not going to go into long, rambling details here. I met a girl on eHarmony a while back and we talked for several weeks. I asked for her number and she said she didn’t feel comfortable. We kept talking, but a few days later she vanished. Then about two weeks later she randomly messages me again and gives me the number.

We texted most of my day off, talked on the phone five hours that night and set up a date for the next day. The date was probably the best I’ve been on and it wasn’t because it was something spectacular, we just laugh at the same stuff and had a nice meal together. I brought her roses in a vase. She told me that she had never been given flowers before. She seemed all too happy about it.

It feels good to leave feeling like you had a good time and she did. Supposed to be seeing her again Saturday.

Fixer Upper

I try to be truthful when it comes to giving others my opinion when asked. Scratch that. I will give my opinion when not even asked if I feel that the occasion warrants it. So in dealing with one of my good friends and his obsession with a nearly unresponsive woman I’ve stated in almost every conversation where she is brought up that it’s a bad idea to date someone based on potential.

What I mean by that is that if you look at a person as a fixer upper there might be a problem. Someone having potential they’re cashing in on themselves is fine.The key word here is themselves. If you’re running a rescue operation to make them into what you want them to be or what you think they should be its not right.

I have a bit of a date tomorrow and the big thing is that the girl isn’t someone I see as a potential project. She’s someone I want to be with because she’s already in a good place (at least that’s how she seems).

Twenty Five Disturbing Reactions to Chris Brown at the Grammys

I’ve not been the most forgiving person when it comes to Chris Brown. Okay, that’s putting it mildly. I still think he’s a dirt bag. I still think his acting like the victim when he punched and bit a woman is bullshit. And I feel like he is at best a fleeting talent in the industry kept alive by rappers backing his songs with their verses and him writing some catching two sentence hit.

I don’t understand anyone who likes him, especially women. I don’t condone him being able to show his face in the industry or on TV or anywhere else. He doesn’t act like a person who’s sorry and you can’t just sing and dance your way out of being a woman beater.

Then a friend on Twitter retweeted this and I was shocked, confused and slightly disturbed at the implications of what the girls were saying. This is from a person who laughed at two girls one cup and doesn’t really get disturbed by anything. There’s something wrong with these people, I won’t say its wrong with women because the women who retweeted it isn’t like them. I know other women who aren’t like this and who don’t find this funny.

But the fact that anyone would say this frightens me.

Right or wrong

You try to go back and do the right thing, but its never actually enough. Every time I do what’s right or wrong it just seems to punish me or those who don’t deserve it or both.

Best Engagement Photo Ever

Or should I say best wife ever. She let him do this. I want one when I get married—with a TARDIS flying through.

Molly Hooper–The One That Counts

If I still had a working heart, this would have brought a tear to my eye.

There is a trend in media for strong women who are outwardly so. They are witty, snarky, toned, and know how to hold a gun. The role model being pushed is that of the ultimate woman. It’s progress – I wouldn’t trade River Song for a hundred people from Hollywood’s past – but there’s a silent repercussion, a fortification of the idea that women have to be twice as accomplished to be considered half as good, to deserve this screen time at all. They are always extraordinary, always the one in a million. Importantly, there’s no variety – only one mould to fit ourselves into. It’s a great mould, yes, but not for everyone – because there is no such thing as a real woman, no one mould that anyone should have to squeeze themselves into if it doesn’t fit.

Molly Hooper is, finally, different. Molly Hooper is kind, thoughtful, always smiling, and intelligent in a way that you don’t really notice until you remember she’s a pathologist. She asks after people and cares about the answers, remembers little details because everything someone says is important. She probably still remembers how Sherlock likes his coffee. Her blog is pink, covered in kittens, and uses Comic Sans. She blunders her way through speaking, has serious foot-in-mouth syndrome, and can’t put on a pair of plastic gloves without making faces. She is one of the strongest women I have ever seen.

She puts up with what can only be described as “total bullshit.” You might say that makes her a bit of a doormat, but for people like Molly (like me), who like kindness and hate conflict, it takes serious guts to call someone on their behaviour and say you’re hurting me. It takes guts to carry that kind of unrequited love and still first and foremost be a friend, to ask what do you need? Molly Hooper makes Sherlock Holmes, a man who can barely articulate anything beyond the scientific, try to be kinder. In the end, Molly isn’t the woman who counts, but the friend.

Not Bothering

I’m not running the rat race with women anymore. I’ve put in enough time and effort trying to talk to girls I was generally interested in thinking that it actually meant something. It doesn’t.

So I don’t feel like its worth the effort chasing after this shit anymore when there are much easier goals to attain that don’t rely on someone else’s feelings and other bullshit being in tune and them having some level of sanity. Not really going to bother with anyone who’s wanting me to work to be with them or work to gain their attention initially.

Trust me, you’re not as special as you think.

My Photos So Far

This is my gallery for anyone looking at this. It’s all work safe.

Flickr

Writing Binge

I’ve been on a writing binge while my ear is getting better. Two days ago I couldn’t hear and now I’m actually able to hear out of the left side again. The right side is seemingly fine. It’s always the same ear too! Which I really don’t get but whatever.

As for what I’ve been writing. Short answer is not what I’m supposed to be writing. I did some fan fictions and I am finishing up one of my longer fics now. There’ll be links below.

Devil on the Isle of Dogs – My first big Sherlock fic, its pretty much centered on Molly and it features a cameo by Holly and Lewis.

Danger Night – more Molly/Sherlock pairing dribble.

Driver – Sherlock gives Molly a birthday gift, though this one was just smut for the sake of it.

The Next Great Adventure – a kind of general story featuring Sherlock and my character Dee.

These are just the completed or near completed works.

Probably Not That Surprising

I’m constantly surprised by how far some men will go to get the attention of all the women around them. I’m even more shocked by how many women give it to them, knowing that this guy is currently involved with someone else.

And when the guy sleeps with a girl and calls her a slut to his male and female friends, I like how nothing is said about his behavior and how the fact that he cheated is never the issue.

Sorry, I’m watching this cycle at work and what’s most frustrating is that its effecting me, the noise, the arguing, the little BS going on around me and I can’t move because we only have so many places to sit and all of them are around this bullshit.

Forums

Coming home from work at this time feels weird. But I felt I needed to post something here just because I have been thinking it. I spent a lot of my time on forums a while back, one forum in particular and these days it just feels like a waste to even log in most of the time. I rarely if ever feel like the things these people are saying interest me and the little things I do still like to do there are so few that I can handle them simply by hitting the place up once a week.

Not that I am shunning forums all together, the Canon Camera photography boards and the Something Awful writers forum have been very helpful to me in finding people with whom to get tips from and share ideas.

If not for my time on forums though I wouldn’t have met some of my very favorite people. At the same time I think the relationship between me and forums is coming to a close.

Other Projects

I’ve been working on some things: besides the novel and the fan fiction. Probably the biggest two are a second story with a different cast and my photography.

The other story doesn’t have a name but its got a plot outlined. It’s about a girl who dies but continues to live a kind of half life in her body. The Angel of Death gives her a second chance, but is unable to repair damage done to her soul so he patches her soul with that of her sister who also died. Her being dead and her sister being a vengeful spirit who wrestles control from her on occasion is supposed to make for interesting situations. Rounding out the cast is a necromancer/best friend, a vampire and a police officer who turns caretaker to the girl.

And then there is the photography thing, this development has been taking center stage a lot and rightfully so. The big thing I had planned that went off pretty well was my Doctor Who shoot, featuring a friend from work as the Doctor. (A fictional female Doctor)

Forced Hand

I was trying to decide what to do, but I think my hand is being forced…

365 Days of Summer

My mind has been in overdrive these last few days and I’m struggling to figure out what course of action to take about this situation with a woman at work I shouldn’t be dating but can’t get out of my head.

I’ve been thinking about some other things too, like how I kind of want to try something my friend Kara did. Now we all know how I feel about New Year’s Resolutions but hear me out.

I want to try and take a photo everyday for a year. Not of me, just of anything or anyone. I think it would be a fun project and it doesn’t have to be with my big camera. I might even make a blog or something and post the images there. I think that would challenge me to keep up with something and actually get out and do more with cameras and my camera.

So I’m doing it, starting on the first of the year.

Settling?

When is it time to settle or is there ever a time to settle. I’ve gotten it beaten into my head that I can’t get what I want romantically and that’s all there’s left to do. My first instinct at this point when I really, really want someone is to ignore it and push the thought out of my head.

Everyone always says the same thing: “The worst they can say is no.” But when you have something you really want no can be everything. I’ve gone through that before and its not like no just comes easily or like its just no. It messes up friendships or in some cases, like my most recent little try with someone it makes the girl hate you for no reason.

Here’s the thing, on one hand I have a girl who is somewhat interested in me and willing to go out with me but I’m only mildly interested in. There’s nothing wrong with her, but there’s a girl at work who I’m just beginning to realize is the picture of perfection to me and while it makes me want to try something it scares me. Because I already know her answer going into it.

Do I want to lose another friend to that awkwardness or deal with the long wait for things to return to normal. I’ve only ever had one friendship that stood up through that rejection and I don’t think me and this person are that strong yet or if we ever can be.

So do I settle, I mean like I said there is nothing wrong with this other girl. Hell, probably the only reason I’m not able to give her my full attention is the other girl. I don’t want to string anyone along and I’d like to think I have an idea of what I want in someone else. I also think its realistic and completely able to be found.

I guess it doesn’t help that I don’t think I deserve it.

She’s Not That Into You

Been pretty absent from here as its getting harder and harder for me to find a reason to be anywhere online that’s not Facebook or the Something Awful Forums. I’ve been reading constantly, though most of it has been fan fiction or photography books. I’ve even started to take some notes in that last area. Needless to say my control over the camera has gotten a lot better.

A while ago something like this would have been impossible for me. So just knowing what stuff does helps tremendously.

Then there’s been some other, minor annoyances. One of them I think I will concentrate on here. There’s a person from my facebook who went to high school with me (meaning that he’s also twenty-five) that pretty much posts things like this all day:

“Great night talkin to her. (: she's the best(: ♥”

The “her” in question is his girlfriend and this is a direct quote from him I just took off my wall. My issue here is that he does this all day long and that he also draws little things that say his name ♥’s her name and posts them on his wall.

Now I’ve never been one to shy away from talking about a girl I liked. And if I love someone I don’t feel like I need to hide it. But if I ever get to the annoying level where I make hearts and seriously mean it, I hope that my girlfriend has the foresight to slap me as hard as she can.

Thing is you never see the girl respond or say anything about him, so either she’s embarrassed or she’s not that into him.

Don’t Want to Be Here

I haven’t forgotten this place, not by a long shot. I’ve been trying to stay busy off line more often and I’m about to crawl into bed as soon as I finish this post.

The final half of this year has been a pretty scary time in the U.S. and the future looks bleak when it comes to the freedoms people have long enjoyed. The most disheartening thing about it all is that people don’t seem to care. They just want to go on about their lives without thinking about it and worrying about it.

I’ve come to the point where I don’t want to live here anymore, we’ve gotten in the habit of being largely embarrassing. People in other parts of the world called us stupid for so long and it seems like its become true. People are fighting against themselves all over the country, working to pass laws that impoverish and hurt them and the most watched news station in the country is a lie mill that’s easily bending to the will of one political party.

Starting to hate your own country is never fun, but its hard to stick up for something that’s become so visibly messed up.