A Name?

To start off a problem occurred to me, something that might happen with this blog in the future, I have a tendency to talk about things that are related to games and anime and since many of the names I use come from them, just be for warned anything pertaining to anime will be typed in green font and the names of people in the blog will remained the same.

Too many things happened today, and I have used various variation of the word to already in this post too much. I had a discussion with Spike about how whipped Shinji is, Shinji now has let Janus go and make rules for him. She is telling him when he can and can’t play games.

I told Spike that the only way that this would make any kind of sense was if the girl that were telling the guy what to do and bossing them around had the looks to do so. For example, Marisa, Auska, Rei, Barbie…these are girls that can boss a guy around and by default their body will have him doing whatever the hell it is they say.

Janus doesn’t have room to talk, literally, she is not in the least attractive. Back when she was nicer to all of us it made her cute, but with that gone she has nothing going for her.

With a city like this one, with as many pretty girls as this place hosts, how can you be so bad looking, have a snotty attitude and expect guys to do for you. Only problem is, for Janus this works with Shinji. He falls for it every time, and it almost makes you sad.

For those of you who don’t know, I cooked spaghetti last night and it turned out very good.

I am proud of it, and what’s best is that Auska, Marisa, The Minstrel, Spike, Kramer, Bohemian, one of Auska’s friends and I ate off the same pot of food. That’s a lot of food for a little price. I hung out with Marisa some today, she and I had a little talk about some of the issues that were going on.

The more I think about it the more I get the idea that Marisa is almost the prefect balanced person, she’s never really too far to any one extreme, except for the cuteness. And what’s best is that she can always put a smile on your face. I wish I knew what she thought of me, I wish I knew more about her. I realized just the other day that we hardly get the chance to talk about things that I would just like to know. I don’t really understand why I’m so interested in them, but I’d just like to get to know her better.

She had some of the spaghetti and she really liked it I think, I really enjoyed sitting and talking with her. We don’t get that alone to talk time anymore, someone is almost always there.

In the meantime I have some important stuff to report, two of the girls that I met last semester that live across from me seem to be single, I asked one of them to go on a date with The Minstrel because he’s too chicken-shit to do it himself. I am going to ask the other one out. She’s really pretty and has got some of the nicest legs I have seen in a while. Not to mention she seems pretty nice and down to Earth.

If the date thing goes through I will have a new character to introduce to the blog, if not, I will have to just leave her out, why go through naming someone who I didn’t even interact with.

On a smaller side note: One of Kramer’s friends asked me would I accompany her to prom, I don’t know how she looks or anything, but I do know that she seems nice enough. It will be strange and I want to have some time to think about it, I don’t want to launch myself into some shit and get fucked over.

Well I better stop this post, its gone far enough. Tomorrow it’s those girl’s numbers and we’ll see if they get named or not. I won’t even be upset if I get rejected I don’t think. I mean—I can’t go any lower than I did, I’ve picked myself up from harder, here goes nothin’….

One Date

Today has been interesting to say the least, I don’t think that I’ve had a day like this in a while and it will be a long while before I have another. Things just seemed to happen so fast and it seems like there is more going on in one day than should be allowed to fit in the time we have there.

Something did seem odd to me though, I don’t know what it was. I don’t know what it was about the things happening. Really all that happened today was a lot of idle chit chat and hanging out.

We went out to get some flowers for Auska because she was feeling bad. After that was over we came back here and time seemed to just zip by, I did a lot of writing. But one thing did happen after dinner, I marched up to the door of these girls I had met only one time before and I talked to them. I asked one of them if she would like to meet the Minstrel.

It’s funny, because I find her roommate to be really attractive, and what harm can one date do, so I think I will ask her out when I have the chance. I just can’t believe I had the guts to do that, but I guess I have more in there than I first thought. If I could just use it to tell the girl that really matters what I think.

She even came over here to hang out tonight and I couldn’t even think of what to say to her, I don’t think I want to say a word. What would I say? It doesn’t even matter, if I asked her out, one date can’t do all that much good, can it? Right, no it can’t.

Happy Birthday Rei

I know you read this thing from time to time and I just wanted to tell you Happy Birthday, I'm glad you had a good day and I hope the rest of it continues to be so.

Melting Pot

This post is kind of a melting pot, its got alot going on so try to keep up. If you haven’t read it already, this is a response to a post that Twinks made, and her post was in response to my post, Yes We Can Be Bad Too. Its funny how a lot of these posts lately have been related to one another, kind of makes you want to read these other’s people’s blogs, doesn’t it?

The thing she was saying was that her ex would always make her feel worse when she was already crying. I’m a little different, I think I don’t know how to handle the crying, but I handle it by simply trying to sit there and make sure that their taken care of. I just want them to stop crying and I will do anything they want to help out basically. It’s not really that bad, except for the fact I am almost completely at the girl’s mercy.

Hmm, that’s all I really have to say about it though.

Now onto other things, today was the celebration for Rei’s birthday and I have pictures to show off.

That one is the big group picture, got to love that.

And then there’s this, so sweet.

Well I have to continue what I was talking about now. Well before that Spike and I had a little incident with Janus and Shinji. To start the story off right though, Janus bought Shinji and X-Box. Apparently to avoid dealing with her Spike had told her he would be studying, but at the last minute plans changed and he went and took care of an eye problem and came back.

When she got the X-Box in there and found out Spike was in fact there she goes ballistic and yells at him for what she considered lying to her. So he refused to help her set the thing up and he starts just ignoring her.

Enter me, I hate X-Box with a passion, and she calls me to help her. I did it for Shinji’s sake because I still like the guy, you know. When I get there all I hear is her asking the same questions over and over; most of which I don’t know the answers to. Then she starts in with this “Do you think he will see it here?”

I was thinking of course fuck twat, it’s the biggest of the three main systems, a fucking behemoth, if you will. I damn near tripped over it. It was filling the entire room up.

When Shinji finally gets there she runs to get the door, but he knocked so Spike didn’t realize it was him and opened it, she got all mad because Spike opened the door and started whining about how she wanted to open the door. What are we, in fucking kindergarten?

So Spike and I got out of there right away and went to go get room assignments changed, and it was a good thing, he and I will be rooming together next year. There’s the end of that incident.

One more little point, Auska asked about my opinion on oral sex, at the dinner table in front of Rei, Spike and this other guy who likes her. It caught me off guard and I’m not really ready to talk about that in front of Rei. I just feel uncomfortable around her, I think it’ll be that way for a while.

I did tell her I like her new boyfriend, he’s really cool and all and like I’ve said before, as long as she’s happy I’ll be fine. I worry about Auska more these days, she just seems like there’s something missing from her life and I hope with Spike around she’s finding that. Tomorrow I have plans to cook dinner for Marisa, but I don’t know if they will go through, a lot is going on with her and I kind of feel bad trying to get her to do something like that when she’s not doing well. We’ll have to see.

If you want to hear more about my views on oral sex, check out my No Nation Army post "About That Oral Sex Thing...".

I’m out.

A Four AM Stream of Consciousness

Sometimes I think that I could be a smoker, I don’t know why, I have smoked before. It calms me down when I’m really one edge, but I’m not a smoker. I think that its kind of a social thing around here. I know it sounds like a peer pressure thing, but at the same time, you see those guys outside standing around in a circle talking and laughing.

That’s why I think that the tobacco industry doesn’t care about not being allowed to advertise on television, I mean they have the best advertising there is, people are doing it. And that’s another thing; why the FUCK does the government think they need to advertise things like state quarters or the new twenty dollar bill.

If it’s a good enough product then people will find it, no one’s out there putting up drug billboards or passing out flyers for hookers. People go out and find those things. Why the hell are you advertising money? Does that make any sense?

I mean is for buying, its not for sale, you don’t even have a choice in whether or not to take it. I mean stores and banks give it to you.

I really think that the stream is broken I shouldn’t try this shit ever again. If you’re really looking for a good read you should check out some of the blogs over to the right on the blog roll, if you’re on IE it might be down below. I have yet to figure out why some IE people have it at the bottom.

I let Kay read Lavender and Cherry Blossom, and I just thought that I should have a link posted up here. I think that for good measure I will put a section over there on the side bar that has all of my favorite posts from this blog. I know that Faulty Souls will definitely be over there, as will some of my other favs.

And now I have made that little side bar I was talking about, check it out, its damn near five, it took me so long to make it. I hope you all enjoy old entries by me, you can expect even less tact, grammar that’s not quite this good, references to games you’ll never play and anime you’ll never see, and my being a sad sappy bitch, enjoy.

Yes, We Can Be Bad Too

People who know me in real life know that I have a pretty morbid sense of humor to say the least. I really don’t have to try, I am blunt, its not that big of a problem since like any weapon or tool, I have learned to wield it. Today we were discussing Cait Sith and how he drags jokes out until they are just past dead and I said “He has a way of dragging a joke until its all its all fucked like James Byrd Junior.”

One of Kramer’s friends looks over all confused like, “Who is that?” And Spike explained that James Byrd Jr. is a man that they drug behind a truck until he died and fell apart. Well he was drug 30 miles.

When Kramer’s friend, we’ll call him Su Yung, he piped up then and said, “Over achievers, I don’t got that kind of gas to waste. I would have gonelike 25 miles and stopped." We also made fun of Kramer talking about how he was attracted to under-aged girls, I mean like Junior High girls. Then Su Yung comes in and says that Kramer should start a train to get girls ready for high school. If you don’t know what a train is, you don’t need to. But Vu called Conductor, and told me that because I didn’t want to join in I had to be the Caboose.

I also said something about us leaving Kramer in Pleasanton, if you don’t know about it, that’s one of the most racist little towns nearby and Kramer is black. I said this right in front of him as a joke. See Spike’s girlfriend’s, Julia, parent’s because they don’t like Julia dating a black guy (like Spike). They don’t know she is still seeing him and I was saying as a test we could leave Kramer in her town posing as her boyfriend, and I said we would come back in the morning to find a du-rag on a burning cross. That’s some of the most wrong shit I’ve said in the last few days.

I am so strange in that I will say shit that I would never in real life even consider doing, I’m about as bad as Doug Stanhope, I will call you a dumbass for not knowing shit I just found out two hours earlier. I will make fun of values that I hold dear, maybe there’s something wrong with me. I’ll make racist jokes against my own race, I will be openly blunt with someone just to see if I can get them to understand things that they don’t want to. It’s just another side of me.

Well in other news, I got an email from Ambrosia’s e-mail today. I really think I should have tried harder to be with her, if what I talked about up there is my bad side she extenuates a good side of me; a good, Christian, God fearing love of all men. She made me laugh and smile the same way Marisa does now.

The e-mail touched me, I can’t wait until she is back here next semester. I have to say that there are some other things going on around here, I have been noticing more and more that all of the girls here love the Minstrel, but he seems frightened to talk to ANY OF THEM, I don’t know why. I don’t even try to get it. A guy like him could rake in the girls! Oh well I better end this before it gets out of control. Kay, I don’t see how you think I’m that great…maybe I just don’t get it.

My Wit's End

Another day doing not much of anything, I spent the majority of my time with Marisa or Spike, it was fun. I never have a bad time with Marisa around, when I was heartbroken over Rei I went to her and just laid on her bed while she went about doing things. I was in shambles but I knew what to do to get better.

I think we all need a friend like that, someone that we can go to when things get hard and there’s just nothing left. When our heart is at it’s wit’s end and there seems to be no hope. I hate writing about the bad times. But they come with the good, as a matter of a fact when I think back I wish I could have been there with Marisa when she found out that her boyfriend cheated on her, just to console her, maybe I could have helped in some way.

Spike thinks its better to just let them cry, but I can’t let them cry. I don’t know how I’m going to handle that one aspect of parenting. I mean when my daughter cries my wife will almost have to come handle it, when girls cry I just feel so inadequate, I feel like I can’t do anything, but I want to do everything I can to make them feel better.

How do you get over something like that? Do you face it or do you try to tough it through? I really fall apart in those situations, do that make me some kind of wuss? Some guys can break a girl’s heart, not even trying to be mean, but just because they realize things aren’t working out for them, and when she’s crying they can just walk off like nothing happened.

I think more than anything I would be upset if I actually made a girl cry. I mean to think that I made a girl shed a tear just hurts me and I’m glad I can pretty much say that I haven’t done it in any serious way.

Well enough of that sob story, I went over to Marisa’s today, like I was talking about and her roommates computer was once again broken. Well I just felt a need to fix it, those girls need a computer. But more so for Marisa’s sake. I don’t know what it is about her lately, but I’m thinking nothing good can come from this.

Anyway, I started fixing the thing, Ad Aware did nothing, and I mean nothing. So I decided that I would run it in Safe Mode, you know that thing Windows runs in when it gets completely fucked. I get it in Safe mode, spy ware check, about 500 show up, nothing too bad really.

But then I decided that I needed to do a virus scan, so I erased their old copy of Norton and used AOL to download McAfee. It worked and I ran it, it was steady going to town while I went, and helped Marisa sign up for AIM and get Gaim her up with her first messenger.

Well while she was talking to friends and the like, and the virus scan finished. In a stunning show of incredibly im-fucking-possibly frightening turns of events I find out that the reason the computer is so slow is that there are TWO HUNDRED AND TWENTY-ONE viruses on it. I erased them all and it runs like new, well as new as a 128 MB of RAM machine can. I fell asleep to the sound of Marisa wrapping lightly on the keys and I woke up on her bed a few minutes later when she had moved around the room to bother something on the other side. I don’t know what do with myself these days, I think—well I think I’m at my wits end.

What I Realized And Happily Ever After

Right now I’m watching Chasing Amy with Marisa, she told me that she had never seen any of the Jay and Silent Bob movies, not even Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back; I told her we have to watch them. I never realized how much fun it was to hang out with Marisa. She’s been over here since like 11:00 PM with me listening to music, hanging out, just talking and stuff.

I’m going to miss having her around next year to talk to and hang out with, she’ll be gone and she’s turned out to be one of my best friends. I went from hanging out with Spike today, to hanging out with her. Surprisingly I haven’t seen Auska or Rei today, and while I did see Shinji he was acting like it was old times again, like he acted late last semester and in the very early part of this semester.

It got a little wild over here earlier tonight, Kramer had two girls come in from Katy, both of them are kind of cute. But I guess I can’t say I’m interested in either of them, I mean our new roommate had some of his friends come over and they had alcohol. I was so glad that Marisa and I were in my room.

Funny thing, she looked at me and just asked, “What would you be doing if I wasn’t here?”

I simply replied, “I’d probably writing my story and going to bed afterwards.”

I think that she doesn’t understand yet that I’m not the party kind, I will go to a certain type of party, but as far as wild drinking and the like, I don’t go for that. I’d have to say I get this funny feeling when I’m here, I mean I’m right here with her, she’s about two feet from the screen watching the movie and I have to say it makes me increasingly nervous. I don’t even think she realizes that I like her, that I still like her.

I’m tired of having to hear from Auska, Spike and other people who I should be trying to date. I know the Minstrel wants to ask her out, but now I want to, again. I really didn’t ask her out the first time. I mean I told her I liked her, but never asked her out. I don’t think I realized the difference until I got here, to this college.

On another note I had a talk with K about Happily Ever After, about the post I did and my view on it. She explained something I didn’t understand, her quote was “Happily ever after is what you make of it. Its how you deal with adversity and how you pick yourself back up. Happily ever after is being 80 years old, still with the first person you married, looking at your grandkids, and saying, I’m ready now. That’s happily ever after, living life.”

I’d have to say that she is probably right on this one and that she is most likely to most wise young woman I’ve met in a while, and I mean young woman because she doesn’t think like a child. In her mind, I think she is more mature than me. She thinks so poetically, her blog is definitely going on the blogroll, check it out.

We Rate On A Sliding Scale

Well yesterday the beautiful K graced us with her presence. I was shocked when I read up on her profile. She said some of the same things that Rei used to talk about, some of the same things I found so attractive about her. She has on there that she wants to be a mother. She speaks in the way that everyone with a blog should.

She speaks from her heart; she describes the inner workings of her heart with such great detail. And she has a very original template for her blog. (Sorry, but for some reason over the last few weeks I’ve become a template whore) I talked to her for a while she was a really sweet girl. And from reading her blog I already think that she is beyond her years.

Today was slow, nothing really happened except for the watching of Cowboy Bebop. There was an interesting little talk in the car today, about this base ten scale for deciding where a girl stands as far as how beautiful she is. A character who we’ll just call Spike asked me where Ambrosia stood on a scale of one to ten, at first I said ten.

Then I decided she was like a nine, but she is still way up there. I know this might sound kind of animalistic to rate girls like this, but at the same time, I take personality into account when I look at girls.

Oh, the Minstrel let me hear some British Rap that he had lying around, I actually kind of enjoyed the stuff. All I heard was Dizzy Rascal and The Streets, I think both of them are interesting for the sole fact that they are British. I love British accents, they're so sexy on women.

I better get gone, I’m out. K's blog is in the title, just click it.

Holy Shit, This Post Started With Lyrics

“Is that what you call a getaway, then tell me what you got away with, ‘cause I’ve seen more spine in jellyfish, I’ve seen more guts in 11 year old kids. Have another drink and drive yourself home, I hope there’s ice on all the roads and will you think of me when you forget your seatbelt and again when you head goes through the windshield.”—Brand New

Today, what to say about it. Even less happened today than normal. I think that things are starting to slow down and wind up. Oh and if you haven’t noticed I’ve taken a break from the “I Am Jack…” naming system, now its just going to be something else, we’ll have to see.

Yesterday some stuff happened that I didn’t mention and I don’t know if I should mention it even with the naming system in place. More and more I have been thinking about other things though, I have been letting my mind wander to well, something I didn’t think it would. Case in point, I had a dream last night about Ambrosia, nothing raunchy or even bad. It was just she and I hanging out, like old times. She’s the kind of person that you could really go out with and feel like there’s really something going on there. We went out, it wasn’t out as much as it was the to the Quad to sit under the stars and talk. It was really nice and she was perfectly comfortable and that was the first time I ever felt good alone with girl I was really attracted to.

The first thing I had noticed about her was the red hair, I love red hair and she had perfectly curly red hair that was so shiny and just gorgeous. After I got to talk to her I found out we had a lot in common. I liked hanging out with her after class.

I think that she is one of those people that was always pleasant to be around, never upset or rude. I will try my best to officially ask her out when she gets back here, I owe that to myself at least. Nothing serious at first, but eh.

Well I have other things to talk about, rather than going on and on about this subject, I must be boring you people. I got Devil May Cry 2 today and I have to say I actually like it, there’s nothing fatally wrong with the game, its not as good as three, but it is good. I like 3 a lot, but this will have to do for a while. I don’t have the kind of money to go blowing on games and stuff like that.

Right now I am in my room listening to music, I just got done playing with this remote desktop thing my friend helped me install. People can use my desk top across the net, its bad ass. Well I better get going, got something else I could be doing.

I Am Jack's Special Place....

All I really have to say about today is that I didn’t get too much done, a lot happened but much of it didn’t involve me in any real way. So I guess I’ll just have to wait until tomorrow, but as far as I go alone, something really strange happened, for the first time in a long time I just went somewhere and laid out on the floor with no CD player, no pen or pencil in my hand. I was there for about two hours or so.

It’s this great spot on top of the Bio-Science Building, I love it can tell that I will be going there many more times this year. It’s the perfect place to be out in nature and when I have another date I am definitely using this spot.

For those of you who have been around since near the start of this school year, you might remember me mentioning someone that I had a little bit of a crush on, she was everything I liked in another person physically, perfect in almost every way and she had a great attitude and positive outlook. We became pretty good friends, since she is entering into this whole thing after I have a fake name system in place, I will just call her by a name that I got from something I once wrote…Ambrosia.

She and I hung out some last semester and stuff, but after Christmas break I didn’t see her again. Then, I just had an urge to call someone today and I just gave her a ring and she answered. She told me that she is in Colorado right now at school just for this semester. So now I have two people to look forward to coming back, one I’ve spoken of before and Ambrosia. I can’t wait till next semester.

I spent a lot of time with Auska today, which is something really good and I even got to see someone I have yet to mention in here yet, let’s just call her Bohemian. Bohemian is one of those people that I am still getting to know and would like to know much better before this year is over.

My dad proposed an interesting question, he wanted to know if I wanted to stay here over the summer and go to class. I don’t know yet, do I?

I Am Jack's Normal Day....

What I posted earlier seemed somehow incomplete, just to let you know that I still remember what I was up last night doing until about 7 AM, I have looked over the last post, which would have been the one where I talked about the assigned names. Just so I don’t end up looking like some kind of asshole for making fun of someone’s weight problem I would like to proclaim that the person know as “The Hutt” will have their name changed to Janus, that’s right, it’s the two faced Greek God, oh fuck, I am poetic.

I had a pretty good day; it started off with me getting a shortage of sleep, which I will make up for in a few short minutes here. I think that the most fun part of the day was going to the UC and just seeing everyone I know, even Janus and Shinji showed up and despite the fact that they were there, they didn’t bother me that much. I think that for the most part what bother’s me is the fact that they come around and act like they are completely oblivious to the rest of us.

I really only went to dinner to see Auska, thinking that I would be able to sit and talk with her about how she was doing, since she does that with me so often. I went down there thinking that this would be my chance to catch up with Auska. I don’t get many chances like that.

But when she showed up, Rei was with her, I didn’t expect her to be there too, when I had gone down to the bookstore I had only seen Auska working. I thought that on some off chance she had just taken the day off. I see a lot less of Rei than I used to, and I miss hanging out with her, I miss hanging out with Auska. It seems that I hang out with Darius and the Minstrel more and more these days.

It feels good to be surrounded with friends sometimes, but it also feels good to just know that you can sit with someone one on one and just talk to them. It feels liberating to learn new things about people, to see different sides of them. And while I feel that I have seen far too many sides of Janus, I could stand to see many more of some people around here.

Dinner was fun, pleasant and I felt fulfilled by what was going on. It was so funny how we were sitting at the table, I had been there since five, and it was about six thirty when this happened, but Rei and Auska started telling me I should eat something and that I never eat enough. One good thing is that I went with Darius earlier, because if not I wouldn’t have been able to eat.

That’s just the thing; I can’t tell Rei that she makes me nervous still, even now with the whole just friends thing. I’m just so nervous that I’ll fuck up when I’m around her, that I’ll mess something up. I can’t eat when I’m nervous, and yes I still eat because she’s hardly at dinner with me and you don’t get to look like I look by not eating. I assure everyone who reads this blog that I more than take care of myself in the food department.

That’s one thing that there is no need to worry about me over, is me eating my food. I will take care of it, even if I don’t eat at the table I will go back home and eat something. The other day at the Carabbas I didn’t eat because I didn’t have money and I didn’t want to spend Auska’s. I already owe so much to her, she has been really nice to me and I don’t think that I could show her how much I really care.

There was another interesting development today, I sat and ate with someone that I have yet to mention in the blog yet, lets just call her Target. I sat and talked with Target and asked her about what Janus said about her, the information I had was that Target was so mad at Darius and I for not liking Cait Sith.

Target told us that she didn’t say anything of the sort and now we know just one more thing that Janus has lied about. She’s two faced, she’s only out to cover her own ass. And I know someday that she’ll be exposed for it.

I Am Jack's Second Amendment Rights...

I Am Jack As He Plays Off The Crack In The Sky...

So far here are the names that I will use to describe people; Auska, Darius, The Hutt, Shinji, Rei, The Minstrel, Kramer, Barbie, Marisa, Gluttony, The Director and Cait Sith. I’m not going to do anything assheaded like go back and change the names of every one in every post, if you can tell where these names came from and you know the person they apply to then it shouldn’t be too hard to figure it out.

I mean some of them are obvious at times, but this is what it has come to, it has come to me turning things inside out, and I’m not even sure I will keep them this way. It might be too much extra work.

Now on to you’re scheduled blog entry, already in progress…

Have you ever heard a song dozens of times, and then because of the recent events that you have been in, you finally really hear that song as if you’re hearing it for the first time?

Well I did that with “Play Crack The Sky” by Brand New. I mean this lyrics so apply to my in some ways. From the very start I think ‘this is what its like to have these feelings’. I mean look at this.

We sent out the s.o.s. call.
It was a quarter past four in the morning when the storm broke our second anchor line.
Four months at sea, four months of calm seas to be pounded in the shallows off the tip Of montauk point.
They call them rogues; they travel fast and alone--
One-hundred-foot faces of God's good ocean gone wrong.
What they call love is a risk, 'cause you'll always get hit out of nowhere by some wave
And end up on your own.

Is life really about risk like this, is this what’s really happening when you start to fall for someone.? How many emotions can claim to have the power of this one, how many can just over take you’re life and sink everything you know.

Hit out of nowhere… Amanda talked about this the other day, she said that she was hit out of nowhere when this guy opened the door for her, she said that she was just slipping into love and it continued for the rest of the night.

Is that kind of loss of control a good thing? Do we like it? Can we take it? When you like to be in control would you want to be like a small ship at the mercy of a large ocean?

A hole in the hull defied the crew's attempts to bail us out.
It flooded the engine and radio and half-buried bow.
Your tongue is a rudder.
It steers the whole ship, sends your words past your lips, or keeps them safe behind your Teeth.
But the wrong words will strand you, come off-course while you sleep, sweep your boat
Out to sea or dashed to bits on the reef.
The vessel groans; the ocean pressures its frame.
To the port I see the lighthouse through the sleet and the rain.
And I wish for one more day to give my love and repay debts, but the morning finds our Bodies washed up thirty miles west.
They say that the captain stays fast with the ship through still and storm.
But this ain't the Dakota; the water's cold. (so cold.)
Won't have to fight for long.

Can you really fight against who you fall for? Can you really just stop yourself from ending up like this ship, going down with a crew that’s fighting to keep you afloat. Does our tongue really hide words safely behind our teeth. Our tongue can sink or save the ship, just like the rudder, can’t it. It can steer us right into someone’s heart or it can dash you on the coastline of some forgotten isle and leave you stranded.

If you do try to resist the feels just pressure your hull until you can no longer take it. Its hard to resist for too long. And the Captain stays with the ship as it goes down, the band plays on—but this isn’t the Dakota, this ship won’t come home battle scared, but ready to fight another day. This is the ships last voyage. And its hard to tell if it was for the best or the worst.

It’s hard to tell if you really needed to just give up and let it go down, or if you needed to fight against the current. Sometimes life is just as bad as can be and it pulls you in any way it sees fit. Sometimes love is more dangerous than Quicksand, it will pull you under and the more you struggle the faster you sink, the faster you realize that the struggle was in vain, because you really wanted to sink in the first place. And you only struggled to speed up the process.

I Am Jack's View On What Women Want....

“I just wanted to destroy something beautiful.”

I just love that line from the movie Fight Club, it is fast becoming one of my favorite movies of all time! And speaking of beautiful things, I was watching the movie What Women Want and I just wish I could have some kind of power like that. It would be a life saver in a pinch, to know just what to say, what to do.

I’m starting to think that I’m really bad with girls, no matter what I would like to think. But I was thinking that they should have used Marisa Tomei as the lead role instead of Helen Hunt, she just seems to…unnatural, Tomei is a much better actress if you ask me, and she’s probably one of the most beautiful women in Hollywood.

I’ve loved how she looked every since way back when in My Cousin Vinny!

And even Judy Greer did it for me in this movie.

They did pick some really beautiful women for this, I just don’t think that Helen Hunt was really the right choice.

I Am Jack's Question of Witness Protection

I have an essay to write that I have been putting off forever now, I am starting to hate writing these things because the teacher is just so unsavory that she makes writing a fucking chore. The more I think about it, the more I realize that life is getting to be a little bit easier around here in every way that doesn’t, couldn’t involve school.

A while back I was talking to Rickey about bring his blog back, he’s a very good writer and his talent is being squandered on nothing right now, I mean sure he writes the occasional poem, but he needs to get back out there in the forefront, and blogs are just how we can do that.

If I really wanted to I could go back and post his blog and hand the account over to him and ask him to do what he wants. I mean I have all of the entries with dates and such. I mean they are well worth posting, they show a guy going through a lot to get a girl, a testament to something real.

I was thinking about this blog and how much it talks about people I know and how I have it wide open there on thefacebook for anyone who wants to see to just come on in. So that kind of got me thinking about just writing names of people in code, like having a code name for some people, or even all of them. I don’t know if it would make a difference.

Rickey did that with his blog and it was because of the kind of attention that it attracted, but knowing what I know about his life now I see why he did it even more. Well I don’t personally care too much about what those people who might read this shit and get offended care about me, but I don’t want to see any of my friends here hurt because of something I said online.

I would hate to see something like that used to damage a friendship, even if it was just said in a passing kind of way. And one of the people involved is very sneaky and cunning so I am considering this in a serious way. Should I do it or not, will you people even reply to this post?

Not like it matters too much, I will just have to decide this on my own when it comes right down to it. But before I got I was going to urge you to check out Misadventures Of A Silly Girl (Volume One) by Amanda. Also take a look at her picture, it’s a little hard to see because of the lighting but she’s really pretty. Hooray for pretty girls with blogs, she, Twinklestar and I should start a blogring, we’ve been passing around comments like they’re a joint and we’re three Junior High kids. Well I’m out of ideas and out of here.

Do You Have Comrade?

[EDIT] This is from Rickey's birthday yesterday.

From right to left: Brenton, Nicole, Eddie, Desiree, Me, Ruth, Rickey, Robbie and Jamie.

I Am Jack's Application For A Trophy Wife...

It would seem like we all have growing up to do. Some of us more than others. Many people around here are just boys or girls, undecided in what they really want to become, what they can become, I’m not saying what they can become in the sense of a job, but in a sense of potential as a human being.

Some of the girls live with fairytale mentality of happily ever after, and I talked about this in the other post. Many of the men harbor dreams of becoming sports stars and that whole thing about getting a trophy wife.

One of the best memories I have of Junior High School is what one boy said near the end of school while we were in a class that was set up to prepare us for high school. The teacher asked all of us what we envisioned having and being in the fifteen years. Well by that time you would roughly be on the verge of turning thirty, so that’s a good deal away.

I remember I just said a simple house in the suburbs and a wife and kids. Most of the girls and guys said that same thing; very few had overly exaggerated aspirations. Maybe it was the fact that we lived in fucking Manvel, Texas that kept them from thinking any further outside of reality.

But there was this one guy, his name was Denis, he was one of those guys who probably went on to be a football star and fuck all the cheerleaders in high school. I don’t know, I wasn’t there after Junior High. But that would be a safe bet to make. He said that his dream was to be rich, he didn’t specify doing what, and to have a trophy wife.

Keep in mind our teacher is a female, which means that this kind of shit had to offend her on some level. Trophy wife, if you don’t know what that means ladies and fellas out there, it means that he will have one of those dolled up, plastic surgery made, wives, most likely a blonde, who will be his arm candy, just something for him to drag around him and show off to his associates.

And what the fuck is he planning to do to make all of this money, to warrant the trophy wife? Sure she knows she’s a trophy, but she also knows that when the money is gone she can have her pick of the next guy who has some money to throw at her.

I will never forget that, trophy wife, I guess in some aspects that’s all anyone wants, but I think that when I say trophy wife, I mean it in a way that is so respectful that any girl would be happy to hear it. My idea of a trophy wife, is one that is a real trophy, one that has brains as well as beauty. Can hold a conversation and that I really love and care about.

She’s someone who I might have had to go through a lot of hell to win over and my reward is having her right there by my side through thick and thin, good and bad. Having her there to talk to when things get bad, share in the good things with, console through the bad things, and even have her console me if it need be.

I know I’m a little young to worry about this kind of shit, and it may be sappy, but fuck you; a guy can dream can’t he?

I Am Jack’s Happily Ever After…

While I should be trying to get some writing done, get some sleep, I am up fucking around with this thing again. I didn’t do much of anything today; I definitely didn’t do what I needed to do. And I didn’t get to do much of what I wanted. Things about that whole issue with last night about how Rickey and I should be nice to CJ rubbed me the wrong way.

Nicole called us in to talk about the whole situation and then she turned and told Jamie how it was Rickey and I that sat around and bitched for two and a half hours. I didn’t sit there and bitch, I told you my gripes and I stand by them.

I think that if we’re going to do this whole group meeting thing, lets do it right. Let’s get everyone CJ has wronged and see how they sway the opinion. If this doesn’t get to happen then hopefully I will not have to deal with CJ anymore for the rest of this year or my life for that matter.

And I don’t want to devout a whole post to the asshole so I’ll stop there. I have been thinking a lot lately. Things that are going on just seem a little more distant than they used to, then I think of what I now know, I think of what I know about people and the general things they do.

I want to say that most of the women I have come across in my life have been irrational, when they are rational I don’t know what it is that causes them to be that way. Most of the men I have met are really mean. I think that the only way for a male to become appreciative is for one of those irrational females to make him feel like dirt and walk on him.

As far as females go, they become rational when some dickhead male is really bad to them. They break down, pick up the pieces and become a better person. Now this is not always true, Julie, for instance was born rational, she hasn’t had to go through unusually deep pain but she is a great person.

I’m not taking a shot at the women here; I think that there is something wrong with society that makes people be this way. I think women are the way they are partly because from a young age we fill our daughters’ heads with bullshit. We teach them about Love and they hear all of those Fairy Tales, like Cinderella or Sleeping Beauty. For the most part, the Prince isn’t going to marry the peasant girl; he’s going to take the big breasted, rich trophy woman. And as for Sleeping Beauty, no one is going to chase down the Narcoleptic woman just because they heard legends about her.

Fairy tales teach young girls that everything will be ‘Happily Ever After’, as much as I will love my wife when I have one, and want her to be nothing but happy, hope that she wakes with a smile every morning, and goes to sleep with that same smile not letting it leave her face for one moment of the day, I know that its not possible.

People have bad days, there are going to be times when she and I will argue. You take that vow ‘…for better or for worse’. I remember the other day in the car Rickey was talking to someone on the phone, it might have been Jamie, Ruth or John and he said “I would rather not get married than get divorced.”

People can’t even imagine that, they think that things should never be thought out. And yes it is okay to be spontaneous, but before you get married you need the check the fine print, because nowhere in there are you promised Happily Ever After, I mean fuck, we’re not promised tomorrow, this could be the last day on Earth for any one of us, it could be the last day that the Earth exists.

You have to try and work with what you have you’ve got to realize that maybe there’s not someone out there for us all, maybe you have to get off your ass and go find someone. Maybe they are out there, but you’re just that unlucky bastard who has the one that (well lets put this in a way all the nerds can understand) missed his/her windows update and is running one version behind.

She or he might need a little push in the right direction or need some help, don’t get discouraged, don’t go out and kill yourself. People think that if they can’t live everyday as a happy one that they shouldn’t have to live at all, that’s not how it works, we can’t all have a good day.

Fuck the ‘Happily Ever After’ where’s the excitement in that, give me ‘_____ Ever After’, the unexpected, the unknown, these are what make life exciting, these are what make life worth living.

I Am Jack's Exhaustive Disregard For Breasts and Blondes....

I will be the first to tell you that I can be the nicest guy when the mood presents itself. There are those out there who I show infinite patience in dealing with them for the simple fact that I really care about their feelings and feel that I need to look out for them. Call me a worrier, but I just am that way.

At the same time I don’t have much time to deal with some people, there are those out there who seem to think that I will bend over backwards and let them walk all over me at the same time.

There was some point in time earlier this semester when something snapped in my head, call it a moment of clarity, call it growing up, or even call it one of the other things that I’ve heard it called. But for some reason I started to let myself be walked on more and more. I let anyone get away with anything. And this is not really like me.

But there is still that point I can be pushed to when I am so angry that I just have to say something back, and I have to lash out and I did that a few weeks ago. So if that was me holding my tongue and not saying all that I wanted to, if I was waiting until the last possible time that I could take it to say something, if I was trying to be the bigger man, why am I being punished.

It’s all besides the point, I don’t care much about it in the first place. There is something that has been on my mind. For the last several weeks there has been this thing about how all of the girls I have liked have had big boobs. Now I don’t really think this is a fair assumption.

I have only actively pursued two girls here that fit that criteria, like I have said before, I think legs are the most physically attractive part of a woman. I even told Jamie today that I thought that out of all of the girls I know she has the best looking legs. Its not hitting on her, it’s the honest truth.

So what did she do? She brought up the boob thing, and I’ve heard her say this for the last two and a half months. She is the poster child for this, their little spokesman, even Desiree said today that they should start a ‘Justin likes big boob club’, not that it would matter that I do, because I would join the thriving majority of men that salivate over any breasts of exceptional size.

But that’s just not for me, I have long defended my stance on how I don’t see why men love them so much and I will stick to it. I think that in the case of Desiree she sees this as a way to get back at me for picking on her little boots.

Rickey seems to think that it’s a subconscious thing, I don’t even think that, I just think that it’s a matter of chance. I mean I think Mandi is very pretty, and she’s doesn’t have big boobs, she’s normal sized and the rest of her is tiny. And as for past cases that sway this whole thing in my favor, Marie, I had a huge crush on Marie in high school, she didn’t have a breast to her name.

Alaina had normal sized ones, but what made Alaina so good looking was the long dark hair and her butt. Not to mention there was absolutely nothing wrong with the rest of the girl except a lack of confidence. Even Lindsay Lohan, whom if you know anything I consider so gorgeous, has a normal sized bust. So this is for John and Jamie, who led this little crusade. It’s over let it go.

What sparked the conversation today with Desiree in which she said that was something that Hannah said to me at the table that pissed me off. I commented on a girl being attractive, this was after Lauren showed up and Desiree was gone. The girl I commented on was damn attractive. She was a brunette with really nice legs. And I told Rickey, “Hey, that girl is really pretty.”

It’s a little game we play basically, we talk about how pretty a girl is. Not once have I ever jumped out over the table, slobbered all over and yelled, “Damn I want to tap that shit!”

Because I don’t think that I would just fuck some girl on a basis of looks, and I don’t believe in expressing attraction that way. So what I’m different, I do what I think is right. When I see a guy spot a girl he’s never met and he makes some comment about how he wants to fuck her brains out I think that it doesn’t make sense, you don’t even know her name.

Now its different when you go, “Oh, I just want to get to know her, then I could maybe date her.” I mean granted this is all based on not having talked to them, just seeing them.

So when I see this girl, the brunette and make my comment, Hannah goes, “You’ll just chase anything little and blonde.”

Hold the trolley train bitch, because that’s a fucked up statement. I have said before that I think blondes are overrated. Blondes don’t do it better, blondes take too much fucking credit. I’m not attracted to blondes on a basis of looks. I am not saying I couldn’t like a blonde, but I am saying I wouldn’t base me liking them on the fact that they are blonde.

So the dumb twat was already in the wrong. And second off, I love redheads, the first girl I tried for when I got here, Ashley was a redhead, a gorgeous redhead. And there was nothing, short or blonde about her. And just for good measure her boobs were small too. She was a bit goofy at times, but nothing too bad, we just lost touch.

So I feel I have to do this, to save myself the trouble late. I am making another list, the things I find most attractive physically, because confidence goes a long way. I think that more than anything that’s what made me think Laura was so cool, her confidence made her that much more physically attractive.

1. Legs, of course I said this already
2. Red hair, I love red hair!
3. Green or blue eyes, I think green is better, but blue is up there. Also, rarer hazel and purple (the purple is ultra rare but this one gorgeous girl had it)
4. Long, straight hair.
5. Freckles, especially when they are right on the top of the cheeks, under the eyes (on either side of the nose)
6. Dimples, if Mandi is reading this, she’ll know why I talk about her dimples so much.
7. Lips, I can’t even describe this, there’s something about a certain type of lip.
8. Smooth arms
9. Smell is physical, there’s nothing better than when a girl can stand ten feet away and before you see her she just smells beautiful.
10. This might sound crazy, because I can’t even describe it, but there’s this certain way the midriff looks that’s just really nice.

Well that is my list, and now that I have told the ten things I like, I can rest knowing that you people know you were wrong. No where on there does it say big boobed, blonde, Barbie Doll types. Can’t believe you made me write a post this fucking long! I’m out…

I Am Jack's Half-Assed List...

Wow, its after six and I am up writing in this shit, I am going to be wasted tomorrow. But I just got in from washing clothes with Eddie and Brandon. I guess that I have a lot to report now. I had a long talk with Rickey and then had a long one with Jamie. Both of them told me tow things I should do, the same two things. One of them I am going to, the other I am not.

I think I’m about ready to try something a little more risky now, but I know when its time to stop.

Its nothing all that big, so I’ll just move on from it. I wanted to say thanks to Twinklestar for actually writing about my post “Sorry Folks, Jack Had to Step Out for a While” she wrote this little bit on Love. I was proud to have someone directly responding to what I wrote, it’s a good feeling.

Part of Twinklestar's post was this list, five critera for Love as she sees it.

I've had the recent opportunity to get involved with my ex again and after some thought I have come to realise I don't need him and all his baggage in my life again. Our relationship was like dancing on a cliff, whenever I thought I was about to fall over the edge he would only then say or do something to pull me back. I want more than that out of a relationship, I know what I want and have devised these 5 criteria:

1st criterion - be open and honest with me, if you want me to love all of you I can only do so if you allow me to get to know all of you and ditto for me
2nd criterion - don't open your bag and try to dress me in your clothes, they will never fit me and I don't like playing dress up! I realise that at some point we all try to unconsciously force our own opinions and ideals on others but please at least try and refrain from doing this!
3rd criterion - share in at least a few of my passions and I will gladly explore some of yours and I expect the same from you
4th criterion - don't be afraid to show your love and feelings for me, if you don't I will never know how you really feel and I won't stick around waiting to find out forever
5th criterion - want the same things out of life as me, it doesn't matter where you came from or where you've been just as long we want to end up in the same place and we can make the journey together.

In response I have to say this. I really don’t know how much I know about love. I have a good idea what it is but I don’t think I can say much because its never reciprocated. What I can say is this, I feel like I am where I need to be for a relationship. Whether or not I can say much more is up in the air. I’m not going to write about what I would like to find in another person to love, because I should be out trying to find someone just to have fun with maybe.

So I will write just a few things down, maybe I will use the rule of three, remember these aren’t for a deep love relationship, this is just like a dating type thing.

1. Tell me what you’re feeling, don’t hide things from me and speak openly. I don’t really get mad about much and there’s nothing that needs to be hidden.
2. Don’t expect me to jump at your every command, I really don’t do this with anyone and if I don’t want to do something, don’t try to force me. I wouldn’t force things on you.
3. Please don’t think that I’m mad at you just because I’m not smiling, I’m rarely mad and when I am I just don’t do or say anything.

These are pretty simple things, I think that they aren’t even things that should only apply to dating. They should apply to most types of things, friends, family and other interpersonal relationships.

Like I said, though, the three things listed above have nothing to do with love, at this point I shouldn’t probably be looking for love. Katherine said this and I think she was right. It’s funny how a girl says something and I almost automatically listen to them, and when Rickey says the same I doubt it or something. I think that I am just more inclined to listen to women. I’m doomed to be bossed around the rest of my life.

Sorry Folks, Jack Had To Step Out For A While.

Alright, so I was talking with Emily today about a friend who I think is just too sexy for her own good. And no she doesn’t read this blog, so if you are—heh sorry its not you. But she isn’t sexy in like an “opps, I’m sexy fashion” she’s really just out there sexy. The way she walks, her style, everything about her.

I know there is more than one type of sexy, I mean you have your ‘cute school girl’ sexy, your ‘outrageous’ sexy and then I know there’s that ‘accidentally sexy’ I know a lot of girls that are just accidentally sexy. If you told them that they were sexy in just their mannerisms, they wouldn’t know what to do, some might even take offense.

But when I say sexy, I mean it in the most respectful way, I have nothing but respect for most women. I don’t run around wanting to bang every pretty girl I come across. I don’t even see the point in sleeping with someone you just don’t know. When you know someone, its one thing, even if you aren’t married, you know them as something. Sex is just another, very special way of knowing someone. It’s a way you should really reserve.

I hear guys ask questions like “Who would you sleep with if you could sleep with anyone in the world.” And my answers always sound stupid to them, because its not on celebrity or model.

I find a lot of them attractive, but at the same time I know that I don’t know anything about them. I don’t want to sleep with anyone I don’t know anything about. But back to the subject at hand, I think that the accidental sexiness is the best kind, because it never really gets turned off because they aren’t really controlling it, its just part of their nature.

Some girls behave a certain way because its seen as sexy in the eyes of society, but other girls are just a way by default. They made faces and say things a certain way, its just how they are.

Now here we have a whole post that’s used the word ‘sexy’ more times than I do in any one of my 90 page stories. I don’t think I’m even using the word right, I mean in a true sense what you find ‘sexy’ has to be like an aphrodisiac and excite sexual desire in you. I don’t think I really agree with that whole thing. I just don’t get all excited like that, I see sex differently from other guys.

Like I could never bring myself to see a girl as just a sexual object, because in my heart and mind girls are so much more; I mean I think I have said this before, but I hope to have daughters some day. I want to treat any girl I date with the same respect I would want another guy to treat my own daughter.

And I’m not saying that she wouldn’t have sex, because that, no matter what I say or do ultimately is her choice. But I would hope that any guy that sleeps with her respects her and recognizes her as the person that she is, sees that she has a mind, has a heart and that she is not just some pleasure object.

If he doesn’t, if he decides to use her and break her heart, well then I’d just have to break him. I don’t like seeing the women around me right now getting fucked over by the guys that they are with and stuff. I just feel like I can’t do anything about it here. That it would cause more trouble. But I’ll be damned if I let someone do that kind of thing to my daughter.

I mean in the last few days I have heard some things I find incredible, like people telling me they dated guys that used to hit them. I find that a little strange, I just know you don’t hit a girl. Its one thing to wrestle around, I mean I play around with and they might even do something like scratch me or something. But I’m not going to even think about hurting them back.

It’s like that Taking Back Sunday song, where he says the girl could stab him and he would apologize for bleeding on her shirt. Its not the same thing, this is just taken to mean that, I won’t even think about trying to do anything back to a girl unless she has a weapon.

Rickey and I had this discussion one night about what we would do if a girl came at us with a knife, he said he might hit them once, but he would try to disarm them first. I agree with that view. I might not even try to hit them.

Hell I’ll go as far as to say that there are girls out there I would rather have to just take the knife out of their hand and get a little cut in the process than let them get hurt.

But wow, I deviate too far form the point. God help anyone who reads this shit. Just remember: “I was sleepy when I wrote this, don’t sue me if I go astray.”

I Am Jack's Broken Promise...

Today was a breath of fresh air, a calm day…I think there may not be many of these left. Something tells me things are about to get busy. I just hope that it all goes well. Sorry for those of you wanting to see more of what I was talking about earlier. You’re not going to get it.

I Am Jack's Half Finished Post...

It’s easy to see that I added some new links to my blog. These are people’s journals that I have been looking at more and more recently. I guess that I’m starting to really get into the blogging thing. I even shed my xanga because of the simple fact that its not serious enough for me. I grow weary of just the same thing that’s hardly customizable unless you pay for it first.

My blog is how I can really express what’s going on in my life, and I am just warming up to the thing. Now that I know people are reading it and just not commenting, I feel better. I should write a big sign that says something like “If you read this blog and don’t post a comment its like you’re stealing my words!”

I mean PBS does that same thing, they talk about how you’re stealing television. Man let me tell you; maybe if they had more than one interesting show a day on there I would be compelled to watch it. I hardly even watch my television anymore; I only do when I’m really bored or something.

School is about to get stressful, I mean I am serious, things will be ugly. I have a lot of school work to get done and I don’t want to forget why I am here. There will be times I have to turn people down to do home work or something like that and it will be alright. They should understand.

Really all I have to look forward to is hanging out with the few people who don’t piss me off. Many of the others around here are just testing me now.

I don’t think that I mentioned this before but about three days ago a new guy moved in. Yes that’s right a new roommate. I was scared that it would happen, but surprisingly they gave us someone that’s not a dick. His name is Sean and although I haven’t talked to him much he seems pretty nice and he’s comfortable here. He doesn’t bitch about us making noise and then make twice that amount the next night and expect nothing to be said. He doesn’t take loud ass showers at 4:00 AM, and he doesn’t bring over rude loud friends that smoke weed in our place. That is a huge improvement over the last two guys we had around here.

8.106 does feel like home, despite the fact that I am never here really. It’s funny how a place that I’ve lived in less than one year feels like home and the place I lived in for 12 years didn’t.

It’s also funny that I only see Ruth (Rickey’s girlfriend) on average of once a week, but I feel like she’s more of a friend to me than some of the people that I see day in and day out.

I know for a fact that’s how it is, but somehow that just doesn’t seem right to me. I don’t see why some people here are so hard to get along with. Why there is so much crap getting flung around here. Last night I got to sit down with Laura and talk to her some, she and I had a good little conversation. It was then I realized that a good deal of what happens around here happens because someone lets someone else manipulate them.

Laura asked what someone saw in someone else, I don’t want to name names, but I just told her that one of the people was very smart and manipulative.

It’s the truth, there is a lot of that around here. And I’m glad to say that many of the friends I have just don’t have that in them. I mean I couldn’t see Jamie trying to use someone, its not that she’s not smart enough to. It’s just that she doesn’t look for ways that she can do that. She’s got a really big heart and she’s not going to try and fuck someone over and take their money.

But some people out here do just that and know it, you have to be careful and know who’s who. I’d like to think I can pick up on when I’m being used right away. And I’m not just saying that, I think I really can tell. Well I better get off of this thing, I have other stuff I need to be doing, like trying to go back to Rickey’s to retrieve my backpack. I will have to pick this up later.

Write Off

I Am Jack's Complete Lack Of Surprise...

I had an interesting night, all I have to say is I know now that I have a lot to be thankful for. Even if I don’t sound like it half of the time. I have a lot to just smile about. And even though I might not be happy most of the time, I might not be happy with how I am or the way my life is I can say I am thankful for what I have.

It was a very nice day, I am happy with how it turned out for the most part, I got to see a lot of my friends and yes I went to class. I love thinking about the future around here, what next year will hold and the like. And I just see it being better than this. I am scared of things that are to come, I don’t know how to explain it really. In my mind there is so much I couldn’t even share with this blog.

For one I’m still lonely, I have felt this way for a long time, I guess since back when I used to hang out with Megan Thorton back home. Sometimes I even wonder if there is a girl out there for me, someone I can just be happy with. And have I already met her?

Questions like these aren’t fair to ask, yeah I know. But its fun just to wonder, well its not really. Wondering is what keeps me worrying and they all say I worry too much.

Some things are for certain, I may have made some life long friends here already. I might have met people that I can count on.

Sometimes I feel like I repeat myself a lot on this thing, like I just tell the same bullshit over and over, but then again I know that things change from day to day. I do have unique little thoughts but I am afraid to mark them down in here, I think people would be surprised at the way I feel.

Just today Nicole thought it was odd that I was anti-abortion. I don’t know what she expected from a Roman Catholic, we wrote the book on anti-abortion, hell on anti-everything. I think I surprise people, like when Mandi told me that it was odd I liked this on song from Evangelion, she thought it would be too girly for me.

Yeah its true I’m pretty punk at heart, but at the same time I like things other than punk. While I can enjoy the raw voice of a band like Rancid I can also take a liking to the lyrical stylings of much softer things. And while I’m not into country, its tolerable.

Even with this fact I wish I had more surprises in me, I wish I struck people as different or out there, I wish I stood out more sometimes.

I think what makes a person stick in your head as memorable is the shock when you first meet them. I have a complete lack of surprise accompanied by meeting me. I guess that’s just how I am. I can’t learn to be different, I want to change how I am, I want to be more confidence, but how can I when all I ever get is things that are meant to lower confidence?

I would like to hear from someone that they think I deserve something more than what I get. I mean if you don’t know what I get and would like to hear, I pretty much get things that are great in most departments, but then in the department of relationships, its zip. Nada. Nothing.

Maybe I just need to search around, I mean its not like I’m looking for sex or money or any of those dumb reasons people jump into a bad thing. I’m just looking for the right girl. I’m even kind of hoping that John is wrong about who it is.

Back onto a note that isn’t all angsty and bad, this is something I said today that Rickey and Eddie just got a kick out of.

Notable Quote:

Rickey: What are you sucking on?

Justin: Candy motherfucker! You want some?

I guess its just the way I said it, fuck that’s not even funny typed. I should audio blog that…

I Am Jack's Sense of Realization....

It’s I feel like I’ve come to realization about myself, I’ve been lying to myself a long time. It’s been a good, week, but a lot of things about it have just seemed wrong. Like when I think back this is the same week that I saw Sin City, yet it feels like so long ago. And I even miss Jamie, but I just saw her Tuesday.

Something about everything that is going on just seems kind of off. I have a lot of work to do, and I have a class in one hour. I am going. I think I might get a bite to eat before hand.

All I have to say about what’s happened between now in my last entry wasn’t all that interesting unless you factor in the same strange dream I had. What really gets me about the dream is that it went longer this time and that I know someone who’s had it before, or one like it.

I had a friend in Scouts named Russell Tassin, he joined the army, I don’t know where he is right now. But he had a reoccurring dream where he was in the Pentagon as a guard and there was this big fire fight going on. All he could hear were gunshots and something else.

Then he just knew he had to run from whatever it was, he started running back up one hall, and there were two other guys running with him suddenly. After a while of running the other two guys got shot down, and he was the only one. He jumped a pile of debris and held his gun up against him.

He had just enough time to peak over the wall now to see where the shots were coming from but he said when he did it didn’t look human. I’ve told other people about this before, I know I told Kerrie right after I got back from camp, but Kerrie and I haven’t talked for almost a year and a half now. I don’t even want to go into that.

You can be sure that my priorities have changed a lot since then, like where I would go in case this happened, who I would check on, who I would call first. It seemed to be right in my dream, I don’t feel like I owe anything more to anyone around here than I do to Rickey, Jamie and Desiree.

In closing of this post I have to say that what scared me most about Russell’s dream wasn’t the fact that he had it over and over since he was like five. But it was the fact that someone else at the camp had the same experience except they were in a jungle in their dream, the described things just the same.

I Am Jack's Strange Dream...

I woke up to Rickey beating on my door, I had slept long enough and I ached from the time I had spent in the bed. Having just seen Vanilla sky the other day this might sound funny, but have you ever had a dream so real that you couldn’t tell if it had really happened when you woke up?

I’ve been saying for some time now that are kind of strange because you can dream things that would take days to do in a matter of seconds. Maybe even instantaneously. I mean all a dream means is that you remember something that never happened. Well I had a dream last night that would have taken a while to happen in real life.

Now I really can’t tell why this dream happened, but I dreamed that I was just going through a regular day, interacting with people like I normally do, talking to them as I would on a daily basis.

Everything felt fine until on like the second day in the dream, I went to go borrow something from Desiree and on my way there I get this call from Rickey, it was night time so it was dark out and the dark didn’t seem quite right. I answer the phone and Rickey asks me did I see what happened, and I’m still walking.

He tells me that something was happening on campus and that they were telling us we needed to stay in doors. It was odd, and since I was already at Desiree’s I just knocked and kept talking to him. He told me he didn’t know what was going on. But when the door opened Jamie was standing there looking shocked and scared and asked if I had seen the news.

I came inside with her because she really didn’t seem to be able to talk about it anymore, Desiree was on the couch. I told Rickey that I was inside, and he just told me he would call me back in a minute.

The news was on the TV and there were headlines about some kind of invasion, the news lady kept talking about aliens and stuff and then I realized what was happening. I should say that this dream had to take place in the future, Jamie and Desiree living together, and it wasn’t in a dorm that I’ve seen.

I got a little scared and I remember Jamie and Desiree being in shear shock at the news. I couldn’t figure out what was going on, I couldn’t even say anything at that point. I got up and paced the room, then I sat down for the next little part of the news story. After that I got up and did it again. The news seemed to last forever, and Desiree got up and called her parents after a little while and Jamie and I just sat there on the couch in horror.

Even in a dream a million things cross you’re mind, when I first heard invasion and all those other words I thought terrorism, and then when you see what is really happening you think, ‘this isn’t the end of a country, it’s the end of the world, at least as we know it. For some reason I hugged Jamie, and Desiree came back over the couch, she was talking on her phone so quietly.

When Rickey called me back on my cell phone I could hear his voice before I answered it, then I realized I was dreaming and woke up, he was knocking on my door. I spent all day with Rickey and Mandi basically and I really enjoyed it all. I just wish I could find solutions to all of these other little things that are going on.

I Am Jack's Untimely Exhaustion

[From now on some of the titles will be using the "I am Jack's..." thing from Fight Club]
I actually had written in my blog earlier or written for it that is. For those of you that don’t know this yet, I write all of my blog entries in word first. Why? Because that’s the safest way to do it. I don’t like the idea of something going wrong with blogger and me losing some info I wrote.

Too bad human error can almost never be cycled out.

Today was really lazy, I got up early like at 8 AM. I just kind of sat around until 10:30, and then Rickey and I went to the UC for food. I’ve been thinking a lot lately about the things that are going on around me.

Life for me is dull, I want something exciting to come up, I want that one night out where we don’t come back till 3 AM, I want that unexpected trip to some place. I want drives until you almost run out of gas and just when you do you get a hotel and come back.

I guess I just need to start taking chances and get out there and do stuff. I think I have an idea of what I can do now, where I can go, who I can go with. It’s all right here in my head. But right now I am tired. My mind is sliding away and my eyes are barely open to the world.

I think I can even feel my heart trying to enter a resting state. Today felt like a dream, it felt unreal and like it was something that I would wish to happen, happy enough, but not perfect. Nothing’s perfect except for that first winter cold and the smell after it rains.

Before I get into bed I have to say something, in a sad turn of events, the Pope died today. I feel that this is important to write not just because he is the Pope, but because this is a major historic event and it will make for a lot of understanding in what will be going on in the coming months. It will also make for a good mark of where we are in time.

This is something that we’ll know the exact date of. To tell the truth, there was another famous person that died yesterday and while he didn’t have nearly the effect the Pope had, he made people laugh and made them happy, that has to count for something. Mitch Hedberg died too, he was a very good comedian. I had one of his CDs, not my favorite, but he had what it takes to be way up there. If I remember correctly he was making a movie or television show.

As for both of them, may they find the happiness in death that seems almost impossible to achieve in life. God bless.

Blog Dating

Is it possible to fall for a girl because you're reading her blog?

I Am Jack's Smiling Satisfaction...

Another April is well under way, with the day of tircking people behind us it is apparent that this little world we know as freshmen year is coming to an end. I will miss this year, I will miss its little quirks, I will miss its heart aches and mishaps. I will miss the uncertainty that came with it. I will miss learning and getting out on my own for the first time.

Today I didn't do much, I hung out with Rickey and Eddie, ate dinner with some friends, and I even watched Fight Club with Mandi and Eddie. I actually kind of slid into Mandi while I was laying on the couch. It's pretty comforting to just lay over on a friend like that. Its not like I want to date her or anything anymore, its just nice to have friends you can be that comfortable with.

I’m sitting here in my room, staring at the screen of my word processor and I think to myself how this week has already proven itself to be much better than the last. For one thing the flowers did work, she felt better. And I’m glad to have helped her out, she didn’t deserve the shit that was happening to her and she needed much better.

Other things around here have changed too, stuff is getting to a place where it will be comforting, where life can be normal and beautiful. Where we can be happy.

I might keep this entry short, but I have to say something, nothing feels better than a day like today.

Surrounded by the people you like, even if the ones you don’t like tag along they can’t fuck that up. It felt liberating to be like this again, I think that I might even go outside and sit for a while, just watch what’s left of the world pass by.

I said a few months back that the people who know me right now met me at a strange point in my life. I know I was right. I’m still becoming who I’m going to be, I can see little differences in how I am every day. And I can honestly say I think I like it.

I Love Flowers

Well this is my April fool’s tribute, and I feel kind of foolish. Why you might ask, because I went and bought a flower for a girl to make her feel better. I seriously hope they did, because flowers have not been a good thing for me in the past, as a matter of a fact. I have had the worst luck with them in them before this and I just don’t want it to happen again.

I’m starting to see that my brother was right, about my money situation though, 100 dollars for two weeks isn’t really that much when you consider the cost of living these days. And the fact my parents won’t let me get a job and stuff sucks. I mean I don’t like borrowing money and I try to pay it back in one way or another but sometimes it gets hard.

I was just starting to think about how things were at the beginning of last semester, how they were near the middle and how they were at the end, and then how this semester has been. Things here change faster than I first thought. There are no sure things here, relationships, friendships any of it.

I witnessed two people who started out being roommates, moved to being best friends and then moved to be enemies run into each other today and they now won’t speak to one another. Its not really a good thing to have to see, the fall of two people who used to hold each other in such a high regard, who used to talk about anything and everything.

That whole thing scares me because I think about the friends I have, and yes sometimes they upset me a little or disappoint me, but they’re still my friends and I would hate to lose them. It’s just not a good place to be in when a really good old friend has become this enemy.

In the way of enemies I’ve seen a lot of people around here turn against each other, and it always comes to a head at some point. There’s always some big power struggle and in the end one of them just kind of has to hang their head in shame because they’ve lost and have to leave.

A few days back I stopped by Amanda and Casey’s place ( I have to call it this because Chanele has moved out) but Amanda and I got to talking and she was giving me the details on what she observed in the disintegrating friendship between Casey and Chanele. She told me that it was both of their faults what had happened and that when one of them did something, the other just tried to best her and make her angrier which never helps anything.

They both kept claiming the other was the reason why things happened but I don’t think that it was really any one person’s fault.

Sometimes you can come to be friends with someone too fast, which is what Amanda said. There’s not really any basis of friendship other than, “Hey, we’re both living in the same place, lets be best friends.” You spend every waking moment together and then suddenly you’re so tired of the other person that you have to be rid of them.

I have to admit, I have fallen victim to this before, its not a good thing to have happen. I have just gotten tired of another person’s company because they really have nothing to say that I am interested in anymore. They seem to be all about the same thing, they seem to be so one dimensional.

That’s what I like about my friends here, I can be silly with Rickey, Mandi, Desiree, Jamie, Eddie, or Brandon and it will be funny, but then I can sit down and have a chat with them about serious things and come away feeling like I’ve just learned more about them, their condition, or life in general. I know people where you talk to them for an hour and you either feel stupider for having paid attention, or you’re just tired of hearing about the same boring shit over and over.

Like the people who constantly have to talk about video games, and I don’t mean making a reference to them, I mean talking about them as if there is a video game news channel and that’s all their allowed to watch.

“Yes I heard that, I don’t really care how many pixels are on the screen of you PSP.”

“Stop calling my cell phone asking me for cheat codes, why the fuck would I memorize those, get the fuck off of here!”

These are things I should never have to say, but I have had to before, that’s right, these are actual quotes. The people I had to say them to should be shot. I like having talks with people and having them go on with out us having to talk about stupid things that just end up in arguments that go no where.

The other night, I think it was Monday night, I called Katherine up and talked to her for a while, it must have been like two hours. Well she and I didn’t have to argue over anything dumb, in fact there was no arguing at all. Why can’t things like that happen more often? Why must I be stuck to deal with lunatics who seem hell bent on starting shit.

Thank God none of that happened today…

Not much happened today, I watched a movie with Mandi, Eddie and Brandon, it was Pulp Fiction and don’t ask me why I’m typing in this odd fashion with all of the disconnected thoughts. I don’t really have much to say about anything, so I guess I better get gone.

Happy April Fool’s

A Class On Love

Someone should teach a class on love, a real class about what it is to love someone. They should include everything it means to really care about someone and to look out for them as if they were part of you. It should show how you can even care about someone more than you do yourself.

Someone should teach a class on love, they should talk about how love isn’t all happy and cute, it can be painful. Sometimes people don’t love you back, or even worse, they do and they act in an unloving manner. Few things hurt in the way that things involving love do.

Someone should teach a class on love, someone should show people that when you love someone you couldn’t dream of physically hurting them or emotionally hurting them. And when they feel emotionally hurt because of something you’ve done to them, it makes you feel physical pain. When you think just for a second you might have caused a bad feeling, no matter if it was indirect or not, you wench and get queasy from it.

Someone should teach a class on love, they should tell that love is not an obligation to anyone. If you love someone, you can love them and not be in a relationship with them. You can just be friends with them and if they love you back or even care for you, they can understand you and respect that. Just because someone comes and says they love you doesn’t mean you have to go out with them or something. They could really generally love you and care for you’re welling being and all they want to do is see you happy.

Someone should teach a class on love and how when you love someone, all you want is their happiness.

Well this entry goes with a lot of things, most of which I won’t go into, but they involve a friend of mine and something she feels an obligation that’s not. They also point out how I generally feel about love. I wrote this, its not some little internet chain letter, fuck no. I sat down and did this to show anyone who sees this that love is something that should be very important to us, something not to be taken lightly.

Did anyone ever see the last episode of Angel where this little exchange took place:

(Building rumbles.)
Conner: Uh, that's not good, is it?
Angel: Wolfram & Hart. Looks like they're taking the gloves off.
Conner: What do we do?
Angel: You go home.
Conner: Huh?
Angel: This is my fight.
Conner: That's some serious macho--Aah!
(Building begins to collapse)
Angel: Go home...now.
Conner: They'll destroy you.
Angel: As long as you're okay, they can't. Go.

Did anyone else catch that last part, “As long as you’re okay, they can’t…” that’s real love. This right here was the only television example I could think of, so its from a show I watched like a jillion times, sue me.

Friends

I spent the morning once again serving my engagement, but tonight I actually got to go to a sneak preview of Sin City, it was really good and I actually want to see the movie again. It’s one of the best I’ve seen in a while. But I really shouldn’t go into the movie too much, no one else has really seen it and I’m still having a hard time believing that I am among the first.

There’s more on my mind than just that, things here seem to be slipping into a pretty bad place, I know in my mind that everything is fixable, but some things here seem to have gone just too far. I’d like to think that you can pick a set of friends and stand by them and stand up for them, but it seems that the more and more I think about it the more and more I realize that the people that I would really stick up for, the ones that I really can count on to come help me out in a real pinch, are getting to be fewer and fewer.

It seems you make enemies by just not taking crap off people, its hard to stick up for yourself and not be set out as some kind of asshole. When all you did is just tell someone you didn’t like what they were doing to you.

I have friends here I would do anything for, because they’ve been there for me. Friends are those people you can count on, the ones that are down there in the trenches with you when shit gets topsy-turvy. There’s not a lot of that in this world and I’m thankful to have it.

I think I go over this all of the time, but it can’t be said enough. I love my friends!

Look, don’t worry I am going to write about some serious shit tomorrow, so check back then.