My Victory March

Here's the deal, I broke down and finally did it, I couldn't take the long hours of waiting to hear from her again, I had to be proactive, I had to tell her how it all felt for me on the inside. I won't show it, only a very few privileged people can see it and that's just because I don't want to spread the word around too far, I don't want to put her on the spot.

Since I wrote it and sent it I have been thinking about what she will say, how she will react, all of that stuff. I am so afraid that things will happen all over again how they did last time. I'm so scared that if that's the case I won't be able to take it. I mean her saying no I can handle, but her walking away, her just leaving me like so many others have, not even for this. That would tear me apart. I feel like I have lost so many of the people I called friends lately. And while I have gained some, I just wonder how long it will before these go bad on my like the others.

I don't want to be ngative right now, I just want to think happy things. As a matter of a fact I think I might drop an extremely edited version of what I sent her in here.

[EDITED]. I met you around the same time all of this started, around the time things really changed for me, and I know that I can't write it all out here. But let's just say that, You met me at a very strange time in my life, to quote a great movie. The strange thing was when I first met you I could tell already that you were the kind of person that I could hang out with, the kind of person I'd like to get to know.

Now after getting to know you a little better I can see that you are the type of girl that I look all over the place for. You said you want to find someone with a good outlook on life? Well thinking about you gives me one because I see that there are good people out there, people who aren't out for themselves or vindictive. Do you know that every time you were late to hang out or busy it was because you were helping someone else? Too often I'm around people who don't care about anyone other than themselves. Well I wanted to tell you that I've really started to care about you, as a matter of a fact I have been thinking about you for the past like week and a half. And the only reason I don't say anything is because I don't want to lose another friend.

Heather has convinced me that you're not that kind of person, and I know that I really knew it all along. The thing is I know we could be good together, I wouldn't ever do anything to make you cry, it tears me apart to see you cry and I wish I had a way to keep it from ever happening again. The first time I saw you cry I almost didn't sleep a wink that night because I was worried. I don't like seeing someone I care for upset.

I'll go ahead and wrap this up, and if you don't want to do this right now because you're just not ready or if I'm not you're guy tell me and I'll be fine with it. But if you want to just go out a few times I will gladly come up to [EDITED] and we can just go hang out somewhere and talk. Either way you're probably one of the best friends I've made in a long time.

There it is, not so bad, at least I didn't leave entire paragrpahs blacked out or something. Well anyway I really hope that she and I are at least still friends after she sees this. I guess I swore I would shake things up, but I know now no matter what I can't hide behind the past forever, and the people that did the things back then, they were different people. If I surround myself with supportive friends that aren't only out for themselves and try my hardest to work onthe things that I promised I would I will be better.

In thearpy lately things have been going well, I have been talking alot about my relationships with others. My doctor asked what I felt that I needed to work on and I definaltely thought that one of the things I needed to vastly improved was the way that I related to others. Too often I have been caught up in situations that should never happen. Like the other night when I walked out of the room angry while they were playing video games. I kknow that any reasonable person would have agreed with me, my only mistake was going down there in the first place. Because I can't stand how they act most of the time. Even with out my medication I can spot their psuedo macho bullshit from a mile away.

The reason I left is that we had well over ten people waiting in line to play a four player game. And suddenly someone decides let's do one on one. What they don't seem to understand is that we're playing on a public television. The way things usually work is there's four to a game, the winner stays in, and the three losers give the controller up. So if there are twenty people in all, sixteen in line and four in the game, So in five turns there would usually be one person left, everyone in the room will have had to have gone in six games. That's a long line, but its do able.

Now if you do one on ones, two in a match, 18 in line it will take at least 17 games after the first to acommidate everyone, not to mention that in a one on one there is less distraction so people generally last longer than they would in a four player match. But overcoming distraction is part of the skill of the game. If you want to show how bad you can trounce someone take that shit your room and play. Smash Bros in the Activity Center is for us to have fun and play around together. Its not to show off, there will always be shit talk but that's to be expected.

Things like that are when I know I need to gather my shit and walk the fuck out. I don't care for that kind of playing, I don't care for people trying to show off. I came to hang out and have a little fun, and there was no one there I was particually interested in talking to. So all I had tto entertain is well, the game.

Well I will just get off it, I don't give a shit about that really. What I care about is sixty some miles from here, and I hope that she knows it soon. Even if we do start to go out, even if this builds into something really nice, I know that there's no happily ever after, things will always be work. Even if it turns out to be love. Love exists, but Love is not a victory march. Love is something that is maintained through communication, care, and understanding.

I need to take my ass to bed.