At The End of My Rope

I don’t know what to say anymore or what to do with you. It’s obvious that we want two very different things and despite being close, both of us will always want something different. It hurts to think that I might lose my friend or that my friend might hate me because of something I said or something I did when in truth you’re the last person I ever want to see get hurt by anything.

But it seems that I get hurt more often and half the time I don’t know why or how or when it will happen and its becoming so that I don’t know what to do anymore. There are other girls, girls who would be easier to attain by far and I keep bringing myself back to their greatest flaw—they’re not you.

You might never read this, and I don’t think if you do that I am letting you know anything you don’t already know. I worry about losing you all the time. I worry that I am doing everything the wrong way and that I’ve somehow hurt you and that if I have you’ll never truly be able to trust me.

It worries me, you think you worry, but it really does worry me that you might be hurt too, you’re not the only one who worries about it. (because you said you worried about me) It worries me that you might hold back with me because you don’t want to hurt me or don’t think you can trust me with something. I feel like you don’t deserve to be your friend all of the time and that you’re going to wise up and realize I’m not worth your time and not worth the trouble of talking to or dealing with. I feel like you might start to hate me because I’m depressed or because I’m broken and I’m just too much trouble to have to take that from all of the time because no one wants someone who is pathetic around them. 

And I can’t take not having you to talk to, at least potentially. I hate to say it, but I don’t know what to with myself, I don’t trust myself to keep a clear head half of the time because I know I’m operating in a fog. I don’t see things clearly because of how I am and its really a disability because things that have nothing to do with me in my head seem like they’re all about me. My first thought it to the negative and you have to understand that, I don’t easily see myself in a positive light and when I do see myself in a positive light, I feel guilty for doing so.

But if you do see this, if I link you or you just find it, you have to know I want to be straight with you. I want you to know these things. I don’t mind if everyone else knows them. But this is hard for me, because I still hold onto something that can’t happen and because I still really want you to be my friend.