Forced Hand

I was trying to decide what to do, but I think my hand is being forced…

365 Days of Summer

My mind has been in overdrive these last few days and I’m struggling to figure out what course of action to take about this situation with a woman at work I shouldn’t be dating but can’t get out of my head.

I’ve been thinking about some other things too, like how I kind of want to try something my friend Kara did. Now we all know how I feel about New Year’s Resolutions but hear me out.

I want to try and take a photo everyday for a year. Not of me, just of anything or anyone. I think it would be a fun project and it doesn’t have to be with my big camera. I might even make a blog or something and post the images there. I think that would challenge me to keep up with something and actually get out and do more with cameras and my camera.

So I’m doing it, starting on the first of the year.

Settling?

When is it time to settle or is there ever a time to settle. I’ve gotten it beaten into my head that I can’t get what I want romantically and that’s all there’s left to do. My first instinct at this point when I really, really want someone is to ignore it and push the thought out of my head.

Everyone always says the same thing: “The worst they can say is no.” But when you have something you really want no can be everything. I’ve gone through that before and its not like no just comes easily or like its just no. It messes up friendships or in some cases, like my most recent little try with someone it makes the girl hate you for no reason.

Here’s the thing, on one hand I have a girl who is somewhat interested in me and willing to go out with me but I’m only mildly interested in. There’s nothing wrong with her, but there’s a girl at work who I’m just beginning to realize is the picture of perfection to me and while it makes me want to try something it scares me. Because I already know her answer going into it.

Do I want to lose another friend to that awkwardness or deal with the long wait for things to return to normal. I’ve only ever had one friendship that stood up through that rejection and I don’t think me and this person are that strong yet or if we ever can be.

So do I settle, I mean like I said there is nothing wrong with this other girl. Hell, probably the only reason I’m not able to give her my full attention is the other girl. I don’t want to string anyone along and I’d like to think I have an idea of what I want in someone else. I also think its realistic and completely able to be found.

I guess it doesn’t help that I don’t think I deserve it.

She’s Not That Into You

Been pretty absent from here as its getting harder and harder for me to find a reason to be anywhere online that’s not Facebook or the Something Awful Forums. I’ve been reading constantly, though most of it has been fan fiction or photography books. I’ve even started to take some notes in that last area. Needless to say my control over the camera has gotten a lot better.

A while ago something like this would have been impossible for me. So just knowing what stuff does helps tremendously.

Then there’s been some other, minor annoyances. One of them I think I will concentrate on here. There’s a person from my facebook who went to high school with me (meaning that he’s also twenty-five) that pretty much posts things like this all day:

“Great night talkin to her. (: she's the best(: ♥”

The “her” in question is his girlfriend and this is a direct quote from him I just took off my wall. My issue here is that he does this all day long and that he also draws little things that say his name ♥’s her name and posts them on his wall.

Now I’ve never been one to shy away from talking about a girl I liked. And if I love someone I don’t feel like I need to hide it. But if I ever get to the annoying level where I make hearts and seriously mean it, I hope that my girlfriend has the foresight to slap me as hard as she can.

Thing is you never see the girl respond or say anything about him, so either she’s embarrassed or she’s not that into him.

Don’t Want to Be Here

I haven’t forgotten this place, not by a long shot. I’ve been trying to stay busy off line more often and I’m about to crawl into bed as soon as I finish this post.

The final half of this year has been a pretty scary time in the U.S. and the future looks bleak when it comes to the freedoms people have long enjoyed. The most disheartening thing about it all is that people don’t seem to care. They just want to go on about their lives without thinking about it and worrying about it.

I’ve come to the point where I don’t want to live here anymore, we’ve gotten in the habit of being largely embarrassing. People in other parts of the world called us stupid for so long and it seems like its become true. People are fighting against themselves all over the country, working to pass laws that impoverish and hurt them and the most watched news station in the country is a lie mill that’s easily bending to the will of one political party.

Starting to hate your own country is never fun, but its hard to stick up for something that’s become so visibly messed up.

Old Friends

I went into Wal-Mart today to buy a space heater. For those of you who don’t know the heat in my house works when its convenient for it and the space heater I had before caught fire thrice. So some new equipment was in order.

When I was about to check out I ran into a girl whom I work with but never talk to. This same girl is also someone I knew from high school, she was about thirteen or twelve when I first met her. Of course she’s not a child anymore, she’s twenty two or so.

She’d lost her dog recently and we just spent time in the store talking. I felt odd, like something might happen that just caused trouble or caused an argument but it didn’t and we just talked for a while and parted ways.

I don’t think things will change between us, but its weird to see someone like that and just kind of link up to talk like everything is normal, especially when it feels genuine.

The SOPA Bill

If you don’t know you need to read up on it, check Wikipedia or the news—but not the television. You won’t find it there because the news agencies have pretty much kept it from being spoken about at all on the TV. From what I understand this bill covers every kind of freedom infringement from monitoring everything sent across networks to completely shutting down websites and/or blocking the public from accessing them.

So why is the government allowed to pass this and where is the opposition? Well it consists of some pretty big names that include Google, Facebook, Flickr and some others. It could also lead to abuse by different ISP companies to make a buck off their customers. Imagine not to being able to read a site for a Coca Cola product because the ISP you use gets money from Pepsi. Basically this is the whole net neutrality thing but worse.

And the government has been trying to slip this shit past in one form or another for the last few years. John McCain sponsored a bill called the Internet Freedom act that was something like this and then there was the COICA last year. The thing is that this bill actually threatens the freedom of the internet as a place to share ideas, sell products and other things.

It’s filled with vague language which reads like the kind of thing written for the government to take advantage of and it’s a huge deal. Though you haven’t heard much about it on any major outlets because the bill serves their needs.

In the last year any faith I’ve had in Congress and their political process in general has broken down. Between the Supreme Court, Congress and the Debt Ceiling and the Tea Party and their big glut of bullshit and now this mess it seems like the only excuse is to throw out the way the government works with corporations and Wall Street and regulate the Hell out of it all.

Better Person

Despite my anger at this girl for what she pulled last weekend, I ended up calling her and telling her I knew and just asking her to apologize. She sounded sincerely embarrassed and sorry and even then I didn’t even want her to feel bad about it and told her she would be my friend still.

It feels odd but the more I thought about it, the more I realized someone who would do this sort of thing more than likely has a lot going on in their life and I don’t want to add to the pile of bad things happening with them.

I’m not that guy, I mean I spend enough of my time hating myself. I don’t need to give those thoughts actual clout.

De-Valued

This Saturday ended badly. Had I been a worse kind of person I would have easily done something horrid to this person but I think they really undermined their own value in their attempt to get what they wanted.

The story goes like this: I went to see Rickey this weekend and we went to have sushi because, well sushi is fucking delicious. Anyway there’s this girl I wanted to take out and she knew as much. She was told last week and we were making plans to go out. Rickey knows her too, he’s how I met her so he called her up and convinced her to come out. Well that’s when the trouble began.

We hung out at Starbucks, that was fine. Then we went to Gringos where we had to wait for a table because its Gringos. Well while we waited this girl spends her whole time talking to Rickey about how awesome he is and how he dates girls too ugly for him and how he shouldn’t go after these scrawny women. When we got inside I piped up and it ended up being a little more of a chipper conversation but there was a lot of texting going on, admittedly some of it was me texting Rickey about her but it wasn’t bad comments.

On the other hand she was texting someone too.

So the night moves on from there and a third person joins us and we go to a bar, I hate bars because its impossible to get to know someone but this wasn’t so bad. Well the bar thing went on for a few hours and then we went back to an apartment for some drinks with other friends. I was pretty drunk but not to the point I couldn’t reason or speak. Well I talked to this girl outside and she instantly launches into this speech about how she doesn’t want to hurt my feelings and she wants us to be friends and wants things to be normal and not awkward. Why does this sound familiar?

Thing is I wasn’t mad and I kind of expected us to not work out but I had expected a slight chance. But when I told her that Rickey wasn’t into her, which I just knew from knowing him and I knew she liked him because she told me, she tells me that she needs time alone. Well I left her for several minutes and she plays some sad songs on her phone outside alone and then moves to the other side of the apartment (out front). I go out to take her a bottle of water to check on her and she refuses it and tells me just send Rickey. That kind of pissed me off because it was rude but I did as I was told.

He spends an hour outside and when we finally go to leave they’re all up next to each other sitting on the steps. We walk back to the car all together and the ride home is quiet and awkward. We drop off the girls and after I tried to talk to her again she basically cut me short to leave.

So I go home with Rickey to get my car and he tells me she was texting him at the table in Gringos. I kind of figured as much but the thing was what she was texting him…she basically told him that she liked him right then and there while I was sitting across the table from her and she picks the worst time to do so. Now bare in mind this is a girl who had agreed to go out with me that next week and who had given me her number willingly too.

Old me, me from before 2007 would be manning the battle stations getting ready to make her world crumble around her. The me now is…more adult, tamer and I’m not doing anything but telling her friend why I can’t be around them for a while. I like her friend and her birthday is coming up soon—I’d love to go but I can’t. I can handle rejection but I can’t be asked to be in a room with someone so inconsiderate and I don’t think I would be able to handle her trying to do whatever it is that she would be doing in the situation so I’m bowing out.

Funny part of the story is that if she wanted Rickey to like her she pretty much de-valued herself and if she were to come back to me and want to try again I wouldn’t have her because she showed how horrible her manners are. It’s funny what people do while completely sober and in the heat of the moment. Remember girls, not every guy out there is chasing ass and tits…some of us want our women to have a mind, a heart, some value other than their looks.

Something pretty and otherwise worthless is still worthless.

The New Camera

Met a girl at a party the other night thought I don’t think I have the means to really chase after anyone right now. The Russian girl and I are pretty much done because she didn’t understand that I couldn’t drive seventy miles to come see her every day after I had been at work ten hours.

But enough of that, I got to debut the new camera at the party and Rickey was debuting his new costume. Here is how things turned out.

R.I.P. Carlen 2001-2011

Carly was the first dog I had that was honestly my own. She was a puppy when we got her and her sister and she was always the adventurous one. She loved to climb and was friendlier and sweeter than her sister Tina.

I don’t think I’ve ever seen a dog with more personality. There were her little quirks like loving to ride in golf cars or tractors or putting clothes in her own water bowl for whatever reason. She was just a really odd dog, but she was smart and loved and anyone who came over couldn’t help but play with her.

My mom called me Saturday to say Carly had died and we really didn’t go to find out how. But I knew I needed to bury her. I couldn’t touch her body I had to have a friend help me and I put her out back on top of a small hill (she liked to be up high). I think I feel a little silly because I miss her so much and its embarrassing I guess but I don’t care, I really loved her and she was just a great dog. I went out with friends Saturday night to help me not think about it but its bothering me and it will for a while. I really, honestly loved Carly and people might find it stupid to say that because they think she was just an animal or she probably didn’t understand love.

But Carly had a way of acting like she understood. Back when Tina died years ago she was so sad and she wouldn’t go outside in the dark alone for about a year and a half because that was where something got Tina. If you said Tina even years later she would just look at you. And when I was down she would come and just cuddle up and there’s some comfort in that. So here’s to Carly, you’ll be missed girl.

Long Overdue

I went ahead and purchased an iPOD and a Canon SLR camera, both things I have wanted for a long while now. The thing is that I want to get back into photography and that was what held me back, lack of a real camera. So expect this place to become more laden with photos. Except pretty girls, couples, kids laughing, beaches, shitty sunsets, very little of my stupid face and a lot of new stories.

I’ve lined up some friends to help me in the form of models…lets see how this works out.

About What’s Been Going On

I’m in and out of the house it seems like a lot more lately. I think that part of it was not having a computer to anchor me here for that little bit of time but I think there’s something to be said about the other things I’ve been trying to do now.

The whole dating thing is okay, that’s the only word I can use for it. Okay. I mean it occupies time but I can tell as of right now my heart’s not in it and the only girls I seem to be able to fall head over heels for are the ones I know right off the bat I can’t have.

For the weekend I stopped writing because I was just stressed and didn’t feel in the mood to deal with tearing my own work apart and dissecting the subtle nuances of something I wrote. I need to get back into the swing. I need to come out with my hands up and knock this one out of the park because its all I can do.

Work’s taking a toll on me though. I used to be able to maintain a pleasant demeanor through anything but people seem so careless and there’s no end to their difficult nature. They want you to help them but don’t want to listen or do anything. They want the problem fixed but hate the solution no matter how simplistic…

I’ve run out of false sympathy for people who can’t get a remote to work because they’re too dumb to follow instructions.

This is just an update, just a little bit about how I’ve been. So I guess that’s that.

R.I.P. Monica 2008-2011

Well my computer, jokingly named Monica, finally kicked the bucket about a week ago. If you’re wondering what I am typing this on…let’s just say its her younger, hotter, faster sister. Though as of yet she doesn’t have a name yet.

Luckily I retained my files and monitor (I have two of them side by side now) and this new computer is actually pretty fast. Only issue is my old hard drive locked some of my files to protect them and I can’t get at some of the pictures and videos.

This also slowed my editing process down a lot. I printed out the first copy of my novel a while back, the most expensive copy anyone will probably every buy of it. (It cost me 30$)

It was done at Kinkos/Fed Ex and its basically a spiral notebook with fancy paper my novel is printed on. I actually think this will be my new editing tradition. As of right now, I’m at page 125/199 so I’ve made good progress!

October Air

Around this time of year I always feel renewed and just so alive. Its because of the cold, I know. I work in reverse. If I have seasonal depression it’s the sun and the heat that take their emotional toll on me. I feel like a new man when the mercury dips below sixty for that first time and the whole world feels like magic.

The date is tomorrow and I’m excited. We talked on the phone some tonight and I feel like if I can pull this off then I can make it through another week of Hell at work.

Sorry, but my job feels so meaningless. Like I’m doing the same thing, solving the same problems and I can look right there and see the person has been calling because they keep causing the problem and even if they never call again I will get the same problems over and over.

I’m good at my job dammit, but there’s not much to be good at. I can do most things without the aid of the steps and scripts and that frees me up for working on plotting out writing and occasionally reading. Things will get better. I know it.

Met a Girl/Review Blog

I met a girl.

She’s twenty-two and moved here from Russia about two years ago and she seems really nice. There’s a slight language barrier but its not enough to keep me from talking to her and its definitely not enough to over shadow the fact that she’s pretty and sweet.

With my latest ventures in relationships being kind of failures every since the break up…whenever that happened. I don’t remember all that well, but since then I’ve had a hard time attracting the right kind of girls until now.

Sometimes I worry that I don’t care enough about certain things. When I was broken up with, I went home and played games and talked to my best friend, I even forgot to tell him at first. Some of you still don’t know because I didn’t bother to make it a big deal. I have a better memory when I last talked to Maddy than when I broke up and I guess its just because my friends who I have known a while mean more to me.

But then when someone hears that, they feel like I’m in the wrong for not being all sad and getting down on myself. I didn’t get mad at the girl or try and fight to keep her. I just said okay, its fine. And that was it. I wonder how I would have reacted four years ago?

This new girl seems really cool and I’m going to the zoo with her Sunday. Her idea, you all know how I hate being outside and animals larger than myself.

In other news I think I might assemble a review blog, find people to help me review stuff and use it to get my opinions out there. I wish I had thought of this before this season of Doctor Who, so now I’ll be stuck reviewing American TV…oh well.

Response

Thanks to them canceling last minute overtime I got to sleep a little longer than I would normally have. Though it only seemed to barely matter.

As it turns out, I think I am ready to just give up on talking to that girl from work. She seems to be the kind of person that I just wouldn’t get along with and on top of that she has a nasty habit of ignoring me and I’m not going to spend my time trying to get some girl’s attention…

The way I see it, ignoring someone whom you don’t know when they speak directly to is a pretty childish thing to do and if someone doesn’t have the common manners to act on the base instinct to respond I don’t think I will have the patience to put into her.

I don’t want to go the route of that one friend of mine and act like he’s God’s gift to women and they should all come to him bearing gifts. But when I try and make normal conversation with you the least you could do is respond.

And I know that the way things are with the internet and text messaging, culture has become about when and when not to respond. But it seems like she only added me on facebook and responds to me at work so that I won’t ask why she didn’t respond or pester her. If the case is she thinks I’m pestering her well then I guess we don’t need to talk anymore.

Prison Term

Before any of you jump on me about my support of Obama, let me say this is not about that. This is about the racism, hatred and bigotry often directed at him in a way that is undeserved and just outright stupid. I claim no political allegiance and do actually agree with some conservative ideas. But I feel like these people are not just a bad representation of Conservatism and Americans...they're a bad representation of human beings.
This is a real post from facebook and these comments have not been doctored in any way. It was posted on my wall by someone whom I've deleted from my friends list but I thought it was important that people online see what kind of people are out there and understand what racism and hared look like.
And this is actually publicly shared anyone with or without facebook can see it:

http://www.facebook.com/photo.php?fbid=2079629109537&set=p.2079629109537&type=1&ref=nf

BTW, anyone ever notice the direct correlation between being a racist and being bad at photoshop?

Give and Get

Just that fast I feel like I can actually function again. I slept for the better part of a day and took some Nyquil, that worked out very well for me.

So I was looking over some things on Facebook and I noticed someone whom I used to be friends with was posted in a picture by another person. I haven’t spoken to her in years, though we used to be friends. I drove her to work and even developed a crush on her roommate. What was odd about the whole thing was the way it ended.

I gave her and the roommate gifts for Christmas, sweaters. I had only wanted to get one for the roommate, but I decided to do it for both. Some boyfriend she had at the time got jealous and angry with her over it and she blamed me for her boyfriend’s lack of confidence despite the fact that she knew I had no interest in her. She later said it was my fault that we weren’t friends even though I never tried to stop talking to her.

What I find odd about all of this is how people will be so quick to forget any good you did for them and any of the fun you had. I even tried talking to her years later and she completely ignored me, even when a mutual friend asked her about it (I didn’t tell him too, he did it on his own).

Not really sure why I should even mention this here. In all honesty I wouldn’t want to be this person’s friend anymore and I ultimately gave more than I ever got back out of her. I guess what bothers me is that I feel like the kind of thing that happened sort of reflects a lot of the relationships with friends I have had over the years. This one not even being the most noteworthy.

Sick

I have been sick since Tuesday, but the last two days have been the worst over all. I had to stay home from work because I just couldn’t muster the energy to move around and I couldn’t see straight. I had a fever and I haven’t eaten since about thirty hours ago because I just don’t feel hungry. I know I need food, I understand that but all I seem able to really want to do is drink things like water or juice.

From about six in the morning till nine at night I was sleep. I don’t think I’ve ever moved around so little in my life. I feel like I’m on the up swing from it all right now. My body isn’t quite as sore and besides a mild headache and a cough I feel much, much better. By tomorrow I need to be 100%, I have to work five till ten.

I guess I had better attempt to find some food.