If Nothing We Do Matters...All That Matters Is What We Do.

It's funny how someone you hardly know can change your prespective on things, just when you thought they had gotten to the worst point that they could. Humans are strange creatures, we strive so much to be so much more than was ever expected of us, at times we just turn out to be bad people, and its really not always our fault, it can start before we are born. Other times we slowly become bad over time, we hear things so often that tell us we're not good enough that you start to think, "maybe, just maybe I should stop trying to be the way I am, its not working." But I think that even if we don't realize it, we're making a difference just by being the way we are.

I think I have said this before, but it stands to be said again, it's a quote from one of my favorite telelvision shows, Angel. The quote goes like this "If nothing that we do matters, all that matters is what we do". I will explain it all quickly, Angel went through half a season just being on the wrong path, fighting for the wrong reasons, and this is the episode where he hit rock bottom and picked himself up. The whole exchange goes like this:

• Angel: Well, I guess I kinda - worked it out. If there is no great glorious end to all this, if - nothing we do matters, - then all that matters is what we do. 'cause that's all there is. What we do, now, today. - I fought for so long. For redemption, for a reward - finally just to beat the other guy, but... I never got it.


• Kate: And now you do?


• Angel: Not all of it. All I wanna do is help. I wanna help because - I don't think people should suffer, as they do. Because, if there is no bigger meaning, then the smallest act of kindness——is the greatest thing in the world.

The smallest act of kindness, that's all you need to know, because that's all that matters really. When you get through everything, you just have to keep going, keep working at getting better and getting there. I'd like to thank Vanessa and Stephanie for talking to me, both of them were a great deal of help. And just to PJ, aka Prentiss, for things somehow making sense all of the time. But really thanks to everyone, because I have learned something from all of you. But I need to go now, I am supposed to be doing other things.

End of the World?

Something is wrong, let me start at the begining. Last week I went to the Quarry with Crystal, there were like three birds on the ground that had smacked into windows. I made a joke about it being the end of the world or a bad omen or something.

This weekend there's an Earthquake in Hawaii, and Houston floods, I don't know about the rest of the world, but something is up. It seems all a little bit too Apocolypse Nowish. Now I know the Bible says no one knows the day or the time, but it just seems...that something is wrong in the world.

PJ says as long as it happens after the PS3 release he's fine, although I bet they have PS3 in Heaven, with the best 1080p televison that all Gods large sums of money can buy, but isn't anyone else scared?

Vanilla Ice

I forgot to tell the story, but anyone who was here in town might know about this already. Vanilla Ice was here preforming, and Heather and I saw him at the Chili's. Heather and I were just hanging out doing what we do best, catching up. And there's this waitress you used to go see at the Chili's would you believe that she remembered us from like almost a year ago? Well not quite a year, but like nine or ten months.

But anyway, we asked our waiter if she was there, and he told us she was, and we knew it, we saw her. Well he had her come over to our table and we talked to her for a while. Well she told us that Vanilla Ice was sitting in her section, we could see him in a black cap if we just went over there.

We actually didn't make the trip over there to see him, but when we were leaving Heather and I peeked around the side of the window by the door and we could see him sitting there. I remember saying outloud, "I wonder what the Hell he drives?" Heather looked at me and laughed lightly, she didn't say anything. And then I went on to say "I bet its some old beat up car..."

I never was a Vanilla Ice fan.

Saturdays

So I just finished catching up on some of my reading, and I felt it neccessary to come in here and write a proper blog entry about what has been going on. For those who don't know, the comic is going well, I am trying to keep it up and try to stay current. For once I actually have ideas. Someone didn't like the last one, I wonder who that could be...Greg...but most people seemed to think it was okay. I really just wanted to test out the waters before I go and try to hit on other subjects. I am trying to pick between three or four diifferent comments that I could draw for this week, and of course there are some I favor more than others, but its hard to pick.

For the most part today has been a bust, I talked with Persephanie some, which was good because I haven't done that in the longest. Of course last night I hung out with Heather, so things are starting to even out. I'm getting to see some of the people that I miss. I just hope I can go into this week with a clear mind and get some real stuff done.

Well I have to get to finding something to do, I'll be around.

Wayside

Have you ever felt like someone was ignoring all of the things you do? Writing over them as if they never happened? Alright, multiply that by thirty.

Release

This is how I feel today, I feel like someone kicked me in the chest, I don't know why. But I came home last night fine. I came home and I just got to the computer, I was talking to PJ and Crystal, then suddenly it felt like someone had drained all of the energy in my body. Mostp eople will just say eat something or get some sleep. I did those things and now my diaphram hurts. Like I can feel it moving slowly. It's painful and I know that ther's some cause. Maybe it was being out last night during the cold weather coming in, maybe it was something else, maybe it was the short sleep I got the other day. Either way the cause doesn't matter. I feel like I got beat up real bad by someone who likes to give only body hits.

So I don't know if I can do this anymore, after this December I don't know if I will be here anymore, namely because I don't think I can make it in college. I am going to keep trying, but I don't know what else I can say. I'm bad with my time management, I'm bad with timing, shit, I am bad with anything to do with time. I'm mentally exhausted, I'm physically exhausted and I never have been much for trying. Trying anything has always rubbed me the wrong way, I can't say that its a good thing about me, I'm stubborn at times. Ask my parents, they can tell you.

Inside, there I are things I know need to be done, need to be said, need to be taken care of like nowish, before this week ends. Why am I so scared to start on doing them all? How the Hell am I stressed out before I even get to the stressful part, how is this happening? On top of all this school stuff going on, I miss my friends at home. Well mostly I miss PJ, John and my brother (my brother and his family really).Shit, I miss some of my friends here, Heather I haven't seen in a month, Persephanie longer than that. They're both so great to have around and just to hang out with, then there is people like Tarin, whom I saw last night, but it was the first time in a long time. Next to that I have the fact that I like a girl, generally like her for who she is. But I just wish I knew more about her, and I don't feel like she's ever going to open up just because of things that have happened in the past.

So to anyone who has ever gotten onto me about male bashing can kiss my ass, and fuck men that pull shit like this. I am tired, fucking sick and tired of every friend I have telling me how some guy this, that and the other thing and tried only to use them and stuff. I am tired of watching guys try to use girls. So you want to know why I fucking hate most guys, this is exactly why.

And people ask why I'm so synical all of the time, its because the only way you can smile in this world half of the time is to make fun of it, there's no other safe guard you have against terrorists, war, sexism, cheating, racism and people just generally being assholes. So I'm going to try something new now, it might not be the best approach for me, but I might just try staying quieter. I'm just going to shut the fuck up for a while, because that seems to be the only thing that makes sense to me. I'm going to try at school, but I can't make guarentees. I'm going to see Heather today, and I'm going to go home when I can and see my friends there. And as for that girl, I'm just going to be nice and let things go where they will, because that's all I can do. This is really the first time I've been in a position like this. oh and more blogs, expect to see more blogs, I am going to start doing more of them, just to keep records of things.

Well right now I need to get up from here, I need to go to the store and get some stuff, I need to drink some water because my whole pain thing is acting up again. I wish I had some pain medicine or something, all I have is these shitty vitamins my mom brought me, those won't make a damn bit of difference I know. But I will be back later today. I might even write something.

Hell Week

Normally I would be wide awake right now, but for some reason I am wiped out, I think that I have been over stressing about all of the work I have due. I pretty much stayed in the Dark Room today for a good three hours, it was rough, you really get tired of being in there because its just so awkward spending that much time in a place that dark. And on top of that I ruined some of my paper because of something, I can't figure out what did it.

I talked to my brother today for a good long time, and I don't even really know what brought it up, he just called and we talked. Don't get me wrong, not the one that I lived with, this is the one that lives in Houston still. While I was on the phone with him my nieces and nephew came home from school and one of them asked how come I never come to see them, it has been so long and I really do miss them, I might have to make a special trip home. I really don't like being home if I don't have to though because its just not the happiest place to be, but I feel I have to go home now.

So tonight before I go to bed I should have some of this report done, and I should have some research for it done so it looks like I actually did something. I am not sure how long the report should be, but I think two and a half pages sounds about right. I just hope that I can do that much on the subject matter, and I hope that I can for once do something right for this class. For some reason this year seems harder than previous ones, I really think I need to work out more time to myself, because it seems like some of the most fun that I have is when I have time to sit and thing, and too often I don't get that. Either that or I hang out with people and for some reason do things I don't want to be doing really.

Well once this week is over, I can rest some and go at a more regular pace, just can't wait until this week is over.

Hope

You can step to the edge of your own little world and look around, from way up here you can see all of the trees, you can look down into the valleys of your life and the peaks of its mountains, somewhere down there is everything you have accomplished, all of your hopes and dreams and everything you have wanted and lost. From up here it will all seem so miniscule. From up here even the biggest span of life will seem like nothing more than a short trip.

I can tell you that looking back at the way things have gone for me I have learned not to get to hopeful about things, I have learned that I shouldn't always expect the best, because people have a tendancy of letting you down. And others that say trust in God or Love or things like that don't realize, that God doesn't mess with free will, and Love depends on two people.

Hope is a strong thing, hope is like the second strongest emotion I would think, its like Agent Mulder on X-Files said, "For a long time when I walked into my room I would close my eyes because when I opened them I expected her to be there, just laying in bed like nothing had happened. Scully, I'm still walking into that room." Of course he was talking about his little sister, the thing is, I think we're all walking into that room. We all have something that we hold onto hope for.

Hope will last as long as the there are Humans, because the Human Heart is the only place that Hope can reside. I'm not the most hopeful person, but I still have hope, I still hold onto something and know that something will happen in my heart. It's hard not to, because without hope I really don't think we're very much Human.

So Damn Unsure

Sometimes we get the liberty of falling asleep to dream or think of things, we may lay there for any amount of time and just think back on several events. Tonight I wasn't given that liberty. I was made to come home and just reflect on everything, only to notice how I feel about so many things. I need to do some serious searching for what it is I want, when it pretains to everything. And sometimes, like right now, what I really want I don't even really want to say, because I am still too scared of what might come out.

Other times, what I really want just seems to far out of reach. So what can I really do about all of this? That's what has been on my mind almost constantly for the longest time now, and I am seeking a way just to survive all of this. I don't know any other way to be. Things are getting harder and harder it seems and it seems the more I look around there are more tests to face. Most of them I tend to see coming or somehow just be prepared for them. But not always and some of them catch me totally off guard.

I'm not sure what do or say now.

New

Sunday thru today, update

I'm up right now because I didn't sleep at all last night, I stayed up, all through the day and didn't get to go to bed until about midnight. When I did finally get to bed I fell out. All and all, I was gone, dead to the world. I would have had nothing but bad to say about this day if it hadn't been for the part of the day that took place after five-thirty.

Let me back up, just for a bit. It's been a while since I really wrote anything in here that was worth reading. Tuesday night, my parents called unexpectedly and wanted to tell me that they were going to be in town, and not only that...they were coming here and wanted to sleep in my bead, which means I have to sleep on the floor. See this is the reason behind me sleeplessness. My floor isn't bad, when you have pillows and blankets, I had a makeshift pillow made out of a towel, not really the same thing.

So I had about an hour and a half of sleep, but really only like forty-five minutes counted. So I ended up staying up all night long, just because I couldn't sleep, my parents left the next morning, but not before there were some more problems with my bank account. We got them squared away, needless to say, and I went home under the guise that I was going to get some sleep, but when I arrived back here, I realized that I couldn't.

So I stayed up, I was supposed to meet up with a friend today at five thirty for dinner and a movie after that. Let me go back and explain that little bit of things. Sunday night I was playing around on facebook, and I came across a random girl and I poked her, she poked me back almost immediately, which I was kind of shocked by because it was pretty early in the morning and I figured I was the only person on facebook doing what ever it was that I was doing.

So I poked her back, and she did it again and one of us sent the other a wall message, there was a few of those back and forth (for those who don't have a facebook, the wall is like a bulletin board where messages are posted by you and other memebers, all members who can see your page can read it, so it lacks privacy, each person has their own, but what it lacks in privacy it makes up for in continuity between friends). So we posted a few of those back and forth, still doing the whole poke thing, and finally she just IMed, which I found odd because I was just about ask premission to do the same to her.

Well she and I got along pretty well and the next day I invited her to Luby's with me and Greg...you don't understand Greg and I fucking love Luby's. I have never really met anyone off facebook like that intentionally. Like I may friend someone and randomly run into them later, but that's different. Usually I'm just not this bold.

So last night she and I went to go see Last Kiss, with Zach Braff from Scrubs and Garden State. I pretty much only wanted to see it because I saw the trailer on Myspace.com and Zach Braff is bad ass. I won't go into details, but I will say that its pretty good and I actually enjoyed it. Before we went to see the movie, I actually cooked too, and it turned out very good. We went and had icecream (that was random).

What stood about most about all of this is the fact that here is someone I can talk to well. Someone who seems to know what the Hell I am talking about, I don't get that much. Its not an intellgent thing, its like someone who thinks you mean what you mean, you know. Well I need to get more napping in.

I hung out with Greg, some after all of that, but I got super tired suddenly and almost didn't make it home. I had been up too long like I knew I had. It appears I suck at this whole thing now days, before I could stay up three days straight and function.

Seventeen

Did anyone else know that there have been 17 school shootings this past year already? Does anyone else feel cheated to find this out. I don't watch the news but the internet should at least tell me all of this, and then two of them happened at the same time on the same day...what the hell is going on?

Eh, I will be writing here more later, but for now that is all.

Slippery Slopes And Other Fine Ways To Bust Your Ass

I have a class in two hours and I have pretty much pulled an all nighter on the basis of I couldn't get to sleep. I guess the fact that I spent most of the day lounging around in my new bed has something to do with it. I had a good day, hung out with friends, ate at IHOP, talked to Persephanie, watched Harold and Kumar Go To White Castle and all around just hung out. There's not much more to it than that, right, so I am just going to go right into it.

Now I have something I would really like to bring up, its just something that has been on my mind a little lately. Does it appear to anyone else that people are bored with sex? I mean I look around and there are people out there going through partners like I go through potions in a battle with Emerald Weapon (little Final Fantasy VII reference for you). But seriously there are other things going on. Like someone on a forum I go to posted a news link about the world gang bang champion, now most people would think that she slept with like eighty to one hundred men in one day...but most people would be so wrong my friend. Those numbers would have been graceful by all means.

This girl slept with six hundred and forty nine men! Let me say that again six hundred and forty fucking nine!(649) That is the sickest shit I have heard of in recent years, this was all in one day and the guys just lined up and came at her.

Then I was reading about cannibalism for some story research, you would think with me, "Now there couldn't be anything about sex in an article about cannibalism, right?" Wrong, wrong. You are wrong again, there was. And this time I think I threw up a little. Some people apparently have a cannibalism fetish and fantasize about being eaten during sex, or eating someone else. I know we're not supposed to judge, but allow me to play Devil's Advocate here. You can't say that any part of that makes sense. You can't consume people, most animals don't consume other living animals of the same type! I mean its different if its for survival like in the movie Alive. But this is just for shits and giggles. This goes further than all of the hair-pulling, spanking, biting, blood drinking and yes even the necrophillia.

The point I am trying to make here is that it seems to me people are just getting crazy bored with sex, something that is meant to be fun and exicting, while surving a purpose (procreation, I know some people hate to hear that, but its true) and is meant to be special. Sex has become sort of a willy nilly thing you do, its like Marla Singer said in the movie/book Fight Club, "The condom has become the glass slipper of our generation."

I think that where the emotion is gone, that the other crazy stuff has to come into play, obviously with Necrophillia and the Cannibal thing they emotion is really gone for those people or they have some kind of mental disorder. But I mean for the normal everyday sex fiend who can't make it one weekend with out chasing tail or trying to scheme on someone at a bar just for a one night stand, that has to kind dull your emotional sense of sex. Just like how I like Pizza, but if I eat pizza all of the damn time, I will get bored with it, I will get to that point I don't like it anymore.

Its tough to say this, sex is a sensative subject, you mention it in public, little girls get squimish, people cover their kids ears, old ladies throw bags at you and dogs dart around in quick circles...but someone needs to say it because realistically we're setting ourselves up for a society where love has no place in sex, and I don't think that will hurt love it self, but it will make us wonder why anyone used to call it making love. It'll just be fucking and fucking isn't anything good. Most of the time when people use the word its not for good things. Now obviously we don't want to get making love mixed in with the eating people or sex with dead bodies...I mean if someone told me they were going to make love to a dead body, I'd quietly step away and break into a fast run.

But society as a whole needs to place some value back in things like love, its so easy to cut out the middle man and go downtown and pick up girls at a bar. But then who's to say that its not just easier to go cruise down the street out here and pick up one of the hookers, I mean you don't have to spend all nightr trying to get them and buying them drinks just for them to turn you down, right? Where I am going with this is that its all a slippery slope, and most people who are on it aren't going to want to stop. It's like some guy said, "To me, ass is ass." Yeah alright, Aristole, but try not to forget its attached to a person.

Shirin's Stalker

Shirin has a stalker friend...and I told her, the trick to getting rid of a guy you don't want is to tell him the truth, half of the problems women have with men is they don't want to take care of the problem, they want to leave it alone and let it boil down. Only with so many guys it seems to over boil and cause them to hate women in general. I think this quote from bash.org provided by PJ put it the best:

PJ (12:18:31 AM): A woman has a close male friend. This means that he is probably interested in her, which is why he hangs around so much. She sees him strictly as a friend. This always starts out with, you're a great guy, but I don't like you in that way. This is roughly the equivalent for the guy of going to a job interview and the company saying, You have a great resume, you have all the qualifications we are looking for, but we're not going to hire you. We will, however, use your resume as the basis for comparison for all other applicants. But, we're going to hire somebody who is far less qualified and is probably an alcoholic. And if he doesn't work out, we'll hire somebody else, but still not you. In fact, we will never hire you. But we will call you from time to time to complain about the person that we hired.

What happened with Shirin is that she gave the guy from this anime club she is in her number, and later called him to invite him to a party...so what do most guys make of that? He couldn't go because he was sick, but he later invited her to coffee. Now she is ignoring him. The thing is that all of these things can be seen as her liking him too and thus are signals.

It's true, Shirin gave this guy her number, and invited him to a party, that's fair game to make a guy assume that he is liked. Not only that, by ignoring him and making him think you are angry, he will further believe that he is liked and that you are just mad or punishing him for not coming to the party. Unless you clearly tell us you don't like us, we don't know what you are thinking. Ever heard the phrase mixed signals? Look at the signals she is sending him, don't they seem to be conflicting in some ways, but then in others they seem to be telling him that she does in fact like him.

For me, with guys and girls, you will know I don't like you. I will put you off, I will try and distance myself. I don't flirt with someone I am not attracted to. So here are a few pharses that could help Shirin out:

"Leave me alone, you creepy fuck."

"Die a horrible death."

"Stop texting me, I don't like you like that or at all for that matter."

"I don't want to touch your meat stick."

"I don't have time to date because of all my bastard children."

And if she has to lie she could go with the classic,"I am a man hating dyke.". Points are given for grabbing the nearest woman and kissing her, tongue is a plus.

That's all I have to say about that.

God Must Be Generous

I am going out now, I have to because I can't be in this place right now. I wrote someone a choice email, something very personal and to say the least, I don't know what to expect, I know it won't be the worse possible thing that can happen, but I don't know what will happen and isn't that worse sometimes. On top of that another friend of mine is going through tough times, she won't tell me what's happening and she has always been there for me when I was feeling bad, would take me out and buy me soda when I was down and the like, I want to be there for her too. So tonight, I am going to go out and try and have some fun, try and have something to myself. I hope I find some peace, I also hope that I'm not crazy for liking someone I don't really deserve and I know it, but then again we don't deserve half of the blessings God lets us have...he must be generous, because I know if he wasn't people would be fucked a lot more often.

Day

Looks like I've fucked up my Call Ripken like perfect attendance, not that I really had it in the first place, I have missed almost a week in here before, probably more. Also I am feeling much better than I have been in previous days. Needless to say that a lot of liquids and rest seem to be the best ways to combat the common cold, if that is even what I had.

There is a lot going on right now, and while I am doing this I should be writing my story, because it has been suffering from lack of me touching it. Even more so I should be shooting some photos. But I might have to get up and go out and do the photoshooting so I have something that I can actually work on developing.

My Konstantine

I feared her knowing how I felt so much, that I buried it deep inside, and it along with other things took their toll. Let me go on to say this right here and right now: if you think I am stupid for saying this or thinking this way then you shouldn't fucking be here because this wasn't meant for people like you. I'm not like you, I don't want the things that you want and I don't want you to think for a second that anything you say or do is going to change my mind.

With that having been said, I told her what happened to me straight up, but I didn't tell her any kind of ultimatim, I didn't try and bargin some meaningless friends with benifits relationship out of it. I just did what I needed to, I said what mattered, not for my sake, but for hers. I spent so long worrying about protecting her, and I really just want her to know that she is really great and that any guy would be a fool not to want her. That's what really caring about someone will make you feel. She needs to know, even if that means she's going to hate me for it, I know she won't but the last girl did and you know, she totally wasn't worth my time.

I told her the truth about the other dates I went on, the shitty way they all ended up and the way that through it all I thought about her. I am certain this isn't going to turn into us dating or anything like that, but I had to let her know for my sake and hers when I think back on it. I had to be truthful most of all. And how do you know anything if you never try?

Nothing

I feel so unwanted here, like it wouldn't matter if I was here or not and that's just the tip of the whole thing, where the hell do I belong then. What's my place in all of this. I really don't feel at home like I used to around anyone. The girls that I like never regard me as more than a friend, most want nothing to do with me at all, other girls that are just friends pretty much could care less about me most of the time unless there's some kind of favor I can do for them. Other guys either end up hating me because of the fact I don't let them walk over girls and sleep with them at will, or they end up just being distant, I'm in the middle, I don't fit in well enough anywhere.

Really I try so hard to be nice and be good to others, I try to hard when no one else seems to care, and in the end no one cares about the person who was checking on them when they were drunk, or ran to the store to get more of this or that. I am not good with others maybe, but I try, I don't do things just to satisfy my own ends.

But why do I even bother to do anything, I don't want to be helpful or nice to people anymore, look where it gets me. No one cares what you think when you aren't ignoring them or being really rude, if you like them they have no reason to worry about you. When you ignore someone they want your attention so bad that it hurts them and they try their best to get it. But what do I really have to look forward to? A life of lonliness? I don't want to do this anymore, I don't want to be here if I have to be like this all of the time, if I have to suffer just for being nice, just for speaking what I feel is right or telling the truth. I've never heard of anyone speaking out so loud and yet having no one even look your direction.

Right now I want so badly to give up on everything, maybe I already have.

Hole (Faulty Souls Pt2)

Maybe this isn't what God intended for us, seeking others to be coupled with, huddled together in the darkness looking for a light, for anything we can use. Just searching for warmth in each other, searching for a way out of this tormented state. Maybe orginal sin and all of the things that have followed it built up. Maybe we're responsible for the sins of our ancestors, the rape of cultures, the crucifixion of Jesus, all of the countless wars, betrayls and wrong doings. The lies that could probably stretch throughout or own history more than once; maybe all of these things are as much our own as they are those of the people that perpatrated them.

Maybe because of this our souls are imnperfect, I have to ask the question again, "Were we engineered like this, with some kind of hole in our souls to keep us longing for a closeness that can never be achieved here in life?". Centuries of sin stacked up and burrowed through the center of our hearts. There's a hole in our soul and we didn't even notice it, how could we let this go unchecked? And the end result is that we're going to let it grow wider and deeper...

End Of An Era Pt 2

Not since the disappearnce of the DuMont network in 1955 has a telelvsion station just ceased to exist. But now in September of 2006 we have lost two at the same time. That's right, the networks UPN and the WB have ceased to be, instead they have formed into one network, the CW. Shows from both of the networks will make an appearnce, however one of the longest running shows from the WB, "Charmed", will not be returning, see "Charmed" ended its run after eight long seasons. "Seventh Heaven" which was long slated to be ending after ten years on the air, was actually renewed for a tenth season on the CW.

The reason why I write all of this in here is because the WB and UPN are not only networks younger than me, but they are networks I can remember getting their start. The network Fox and I are the same age, its actually a few months younger than me, it was launched October 9th. But for a generation of kids born in the mid to late eighties, early ninties; FOX, the WB and UPN were our places to go for network television. All three of them catered to a younger crowd, and all three of them have housed some debatably great shows. Most notably "Simpsons" and "X-Files" on FOX, "Star Trek: Voyager" and "Moeisha" on UPN and "Buffy The Vampire Slayer" and "Seventh Heaven" on the WB. It's also funny to note that all of these shows with the exception of 3 have gone almost ten seasons.

So why am I giving this little recount of recent broadcast history? Well think about it, for the first time since the heat of the Cold War, a network has been dropped from the rooster. It might not change our lives but some of the defining shows of our decade were made on these two networks. Some of the defining actresses and actors of our generation have come from these networks. Seth Green who earlier appeared in the movie "IT" got his big break on "Buffy", as did Alyissa Hannighan and Sarah Michelle Gellar. The UPN carried on the legacy of Star Trek through three spin-offs of the series "Deep Space Nine", "Voyager", and "Enterprise". I could really go on with this, but I think you get the point.

With all these being said one of the most promising shows that we saw last season on the WB, "Supernatural", will be coming back (THANK YOU GOD) and that makes me happy. I only hope that it has a place the season after next, as this is a last ditch effort to save the two networks. As for those of us 15-20 years old, we'll be ending the era of those growing up with Moeshia Mitchell, Hanging with Mister Cooper all over again, fighting along side Buffy Summers, and watching the Camdens grow.

I know I bitched a lot about UPN especially, and I got mad with the WB canceled my favorite show, "Angel". But this is really sad to have to say, these networks have no more history. It looks like the curtain has fallen on Michighan J. Frog...and the house lights dim.

A Picture is Worth 515 Words

Time has flown by so fast, I started this blog in the summer before I moved to college. I learned to much about myself in college, its been two years now. I have met so many great people, and even more not so great people. Looking back I can tell you that there has been a lot of ups and downs. The picture I posted here is basically two of the people I have met while in this city, Debra and Heather.

When I think back on Debra its funny, I used to have a crush on her. I went as far as to say that she was the most attractive girl I had met at UTSA. While she didn't have the things I usually consider a dead winner (red hair, green eyes) she did have something else that counts more, a great personality. She was always cheerful and friendly. She was just cutesy, a little ditsy and just all around fun. I am happy to say that even though almost everyone I talked to Freshmen year pissed me off multiple times, she never did.

Heather I have only known about a year, but what a year it has been, she has changed so much and seen me do the same. And to think that if I hadn't met her I wouldn't know Persephanie, Greg and a lot of the other people that I now know. Back when I met her I really didn't know much about her. She came to dinner one night dressed up really nice and I figured she was one of those girls who was really shy, prim and proper. She wasn't really shy at all though. Heather was loud, she was like bottled up excitement and she can always make someone smile.

I bring these two up because I really wanted to go and explore some of the other things that have happened since I got to college. Soon after getting here I made the comment that college is like a Hurricane, its unpredictable, it can change at any time, and you never know how wide the path of destruction might be. While I love college, because of the way you are grouped so close to people, you tend to have a problem with things moving too fast for you to even be able to define them. When I first got here I made friends in a matter of days that it felt like I had known for months.

It was like we were in an alternate dimension or something, things were just moving too fast and what seemed like a friendship was nothing more than an acquaintance sometimes. That's important to remember. I would also like to think I felt what true unrequited love felt like for the first time. And it really hurt, it did a number on me. Thank God that I can somewhat trust again and understand that not every woman will be like that. So much has happened, I don't know what will come next, but I do know its kind of exciting to think.

Was Once An Angel

How am I still putting up with this, now that things have become so different, everything has changed so much this year and I'm still here; still trying to just do things the way I see them being done around me. So you think, guy meets a girl and girl tells him to talk to her later that things around to go good. She gives me her AIM and goes off on her merry way. Why block me after going through the trouble of doing all of that stuff. What the hell is that going to accomplish? And when you finally explian, your excuse is so stupid and so worn out.

"Well I don't want to have to teach a guy what goes on in a relationship..."

There's the story of my life, not enough experince. I don't care anymore, I don't want or need this. I try so hard to be nice to people and to treat others the way they want to be treated. Well apparently I was wrong, others want to be treated like shit. They want you to ignore and neglect them rather than be a little 'inexperinced'.

Experince doesn't count unless your in a gunfight or playing an RPG...I'm done giving people chances.

The Chamber Maid: Sex vs. Intimacy

Intimacy versus Sex, or more importantly casual sex.

Let me explain, I see sex inside of marriage as the most legitimate form of sex, then comes sex in a relationship, a distant third is spontaneous sex between two people outside of a relationship, but who know each other. I say that because at least they know something of one another and care about each other. Lastly, an even further out there one is casual sex.

Now intimacy is not exactly the same as sex, although sex can be intimate, not all intimacy is sex. A lot of things can be intimate, I can be intimately close to a good friend even, I have had very few friends I would use that specific word for, but it can happen. I feel like some people group these two things together. Greg did just that the other day. I was talking about how seeking sex with an underaged girl just because she has large breasts is wrong, he told me that I was in the same boat.

I won't explain who he was referring to me liking, but I will say this, its not the same thing. Me really, truly liking someone goes much deeper than this desire to "bone" them, as someone so quaintly put it. When someone compares you really caring about someone, with someone just thinking that someone would be a good fuck, its a little offensive to have someone tell you that, to even accuse you of that.

I know that I may sound pompous trying to say that, but its just not the way I want to view every girl I see. And I don't think the first thing that you should try to come up with when you meet them is a reason to sleep with them. I'm not the kind to look for that in a woman. I want to make sure that everyone out there knows, that casual sex with someone you don't even know, just to get off isn't intimacy, its two adults licking each other's wounds. And if you only got to know them to create an avenue for sexual interaction, its the same thing. Don't fool yourself, because when its all said and done that other person is going to be like the chamber maid. They set up everything, leave until you're gone, and come back to clean up the mess.

People Induce Vomiting

What is it about the interaction between males and females that makes me sick? On one hand you have the guys, trying to feed their carnal hunger but they don't want the girls to know because they figure that no girl is going to want to just sleep with them, no strings attached. And then you have the girls scared to do anything, or just too stubborn. They want every guy that is bad for them, or every guy they can't have, when the right guy is right there in front of them the whole time, or not. When there is no right guy, they take the worst possible guy that they can pick from.

I don't have the energy to deal with all of this anymore, I really don't. How can you fuck someone you don't have any care for, how does that work? How can you date someone just because they look like this, when they treat you like total shit and belittle you all of the time? I'm done trying to help others out, because I watch them run into the same stupid mistakes, girls dating guys that have cheated on them multiple times before, using the same lame excuses to try and get out of it. Guys fucking anything that moves and even making up reasons to do so, acting like they need to have sex like its eating or drinking water.

It's just people who want to be adults, who don't know what real intimacy is; people in a society oversaturated with contradicting views of its own people. How can you call a girl a ho when you are dating another girl while sleeping with her? How can some girl say no guys are ever nice to them when the only guys who are they shove away just because they aren't cool enough. I have one more of these to do...another blog, this one will be preferred list only.

Give Up

I'm stuck thinking about someone, and I know that some might call it sad or call it pathetic or any number of things. Tonight I was hung up on things, I was replaying things I wish could happen. Moments I wish I could have, just sitting with someone, watching a movie, talking face to face. These thoughts took priority in my mind, they controlled my night.

I hate to think about it, because I know that these things will never happen. For some reason I know that they can't because I doubt I could ever be that lucky or well off. What do you say to that when you're just twenty and you know that the things you want most in the world, the important things, you can never have?

What's left to work for if you never get anything you want, you never get to have anyone to spend time with? You just give up on everything else right? It feels like the easy way out of all these things.

My Job

I know that its early, well not early in the sense of time, but early in the sense that I do not usually do blog entries at this time of day. And even then there have always been exceptions. Like if I get crazy good news that I just have to put out there while the excitment is still fresh. Well today it's just the opposite. I have bad news to share, but I guess that depends on how you take it. But the whole story I'll retell for you all below, because I think it just stands out as something that can teach everyone just how bad it can be when you work for an unknown company that's a small business.

Well you all know that a month ago I quit my job, I wrote about it , not much though. Because I really just wanted to put it all behind me. I waited a pretty long time to go back and check up on my money. But what you need to know is that I worked for this company almost three months, I was a Security Guard, I lost a piece of equipment that was at least six months old, had been worn from use and what not, they wanted me to pay for it and docked fifty dollars out of each check for it.

Here is where things get interesting, after this point in time I go yelled at on a weekly basis by a supervisor who worked there. He used to come out and accuse me of not being vigilent, used to accuse me of all kinds of things like sleeping, not working and stuff like that. When its obvious that I never once feel asleep on the job, and while I was in my car when the equipment got stolen, I was wide awake watching the cars, which is what I am supposed to be doing.

I quit the job when my brother did because I knew they would take his quitting out on me, so fast forward to just a few hours ago, I went up to the old office to turn in my other equipment and pick up what was left of my last check. Well I went in there and they told me that my last check was zero dollars and that I still owed them two hundred and six dollars on top of that.

Well I started to tell them that I would pay the money back, so long as I got my last check, but they told me there was nothing left of it, they had taken it to add it to the other money I had owed for the lost equipment. Well then I informed them that my brother had found the same equipment for less money, the boss first told me off about mentioning my brother and then got onto me about how they weren't going to take some shit I found on the internet because there was no warranty (his words, not mine).

I then tried to tell them that I needed to get some money, and they told me if I had quit with two weeks notice they would have no withheld my last check, but I know that's not true, their malicious to people all of the time for quitting, but they will just as soon fire you for no reason. Well as I was asking about something the boss told me not to talk over him, to which I replied, "Fuck that".

Why should I listen to someone who is talking down to me, he actually had the nerve to say "I need to replace my stolen equipment that was taken while you were half asleep in your car". Bullshit, I was wide awake in my car, or in the back of the propety, it doesn't matter. They never told me how much the thing costed or not to leave it alone, I knew the radio was expensive, hence why I never left it alone. But I had never been trained or anything, so when I was done, I left the other piece of equipment in the Golfcart. When it was stolen I could have been any number of places. The fact of the matter is, I was doing my job the whole time.

So I got my check, it was for zero dollars and here I am now without my money and they are threatening to take me to court over it, but who knows I might be able to prove my case and tell the judge, I was never trained, there was nothing in the book on how to do the job about locking gates or the like, or the cost of equipment. On the off chance that they do win the case, I have a contengency plan. I am going to offer to buy the equipment myself from where ever they want. Why? Well simple, their business is in trouble, this way I can make sure I don't allow them to use my money for anything else but this stupid equipment. I mean they replaced the thing the next day.

That's just going to be how it goes, I don't want them using my money, even though its not that much in the mind of a company, to help them out. I can't let them because they did too much stuff to me over the months, this will be my way of making sure they don't get one more.

He's Just Not That Into You

"He's Just Not That Into You" was the popular book to hit shevles back in the year 2004, I know that might seem like a long time ago, but it has just been two years. The thing about this book is that it didn't even address the title topic in a way that you could be sure what you were reading was true even part of the time. But let's face it, the book was based on an episode of Sex In The City by the same title.

What I want to talk about today is something that really just goes by the same logic that the title of said book would have you believe that it goes by. He's Just Not That Into You is something I think a lot of women need to realize. I get so tired of seeing my friends dating guys who seemingly don't care much about them. But not in the normal way of a guy just using a girl for sex. But I mean emotional abuse, the kind of things that a guy will do to any woman who will let him.

I have seen guys take a perfectly good girl who could do so much better and belittle them and treat them like crap, and its really the girl's fault I mean "Who else is the one staying there with the guy?"

There are so many guys trying so hard out there to find a girl, or just waiting for the right girl to come along, and maybe even ask them out somewhere. I think any guy thinks that having a girl ask him out is immasculating, thing he wasn't very masculine to begin with. Remember when I made my post on real manily men? Most of you probably don't, but I talked about the things that I think make a real man, and none of them were being macho for the sake of being that way or belittling others.

I know so many girls that have everyone screaming for them to leave their boyfriends. And not for little things like drinking occasionally with his buddies. But I mean guys cheating, or hanging out with their ex-girlfriends alone, when they have cheated before. Or for getting caught up in heavy drugs, yelling at them or hitting them and serious stuff like that.

And yet every time you talk to them, they are trying to find a way to win this guy back, to please him and make him happier with them. Grow up and get some self-esteem. I mean I know I have low self-esteem, but if some girl is sleeping with other guys and doing all of that other stuff, I would have to say that she's not worth my time. It's like that line from Naruto, there's trash and then there is worse than trash.

A lot of guys fall into that worse than trash category and their not that into you.

The War

This is my basic declaration of war on atheists, not the kind that you see who just don't believe. While I believe differently than them, I don't mind it if they don't do mean stuff to me. If they really feel like that's what they want to do, then so be it, but they don't need to bad mouth me or any one else who believe in God or whatever other people believe in.

The reason I am saying this is because I have noticed that on the internet, especially at Anime sites, there are so many atheists, and not the normal nice kind. But the vicious kind that just say mean shit because they think its cool to be anti-religion (especially Catholic and Muslim). I would go as far to say that there is a difference between being "atheist" and being "anti-religion". The anti part in the "anti-religion" shows that you are proactively trying to be mean or rude and trying to change what others believe.

I do believe that people should spread God's word, but for the sake of all that's out there, don't be a dick about it. What I mean to say is that one of the things these atheists do when I see them on the forum a lot is they insult Christians and other religious people. One of them said that all Christians believe that the Earth is six thousand years old. They call us out for wanting women to have no rights, and for being against abortion. Well of course we don't like murder, if you don't want to have a kid then don't have sex. If sex is soooo worth it then deal with the consequences.

They tell me that belief in God is no logical, well that's funny because to me, thinking that billions of molecules that could have gone an infinite number of ways; to think that in something like the Big Bang if the power of the blast had been off 0.00000000000000001 % none of us would be here right now, leaves me to believe that belief in "atheism" is illlogical. I wouldn't get so mad at this if they didn't advertise how stupid they think the idea of God and Christians are, if they didn't insult who created them, look at the terrible shit they say!

These are all actual quotes:

"But then hey, in order to be religious you need a certain logical gap in your brain anyway, so I guess I shouldn't be too suprised."

"I wasn't there, I don't know. To me Jesus is something people make fun of over the net in several photoshop pictures, cartoons, jokes and theres a picture of him and Pikachu having sex (what the fuck?).
EDIT: Ah yes, also when people get suprised or hurt in movies they go "ARH GEZUZZZZ!11"."

"But you just said that God has a grand plan and all those are parts of it, so how come those people are evil, if they simply follow God's plan? *din* Thats the sound of phail!"

"Ha! Logic lessons from a theist. Don't preach logic when you believe in the illogical."

"
I'll answer your question anyway. The God of religions is impossible. A being can't be omnipotent, omnibenevolent, and omniscient all at the same time because these characteristics counter eachother. And Hell conflicts with an omnibenevolent God. Omnibenevolent means 'all-good'. Would an all-good being condemn people to Hell for eternity? The fact that there are hundreds of religions makes me skeptical, too. Every group claims to be right, every group has a holy book, yet none can back themselves up. Why believe in something with no solid proof/evidence?"

All real quotes, so from here on I'm going to work on taking them down a peg, many of the ones I run into that are like this are narsacistic and just plain wrong about half of the word diarehha coming out of their mouths. Here showing people that even if they believe something, they need to respect others.

"..."

If you don't want to talk to me, then don't add me, if you think that I am not "cool" enough or "hot" enough, then don't bother. I don't want to be your friend anyway. You know there are a lot of things I don't need right now, there are kinds of people I don't feel like I want to meet or know. And I try to make it a point to let everyone know what I am about. You say you want guys that don't play games, but when you find one you play little games, you go out of your way to either run the guy off.

You do things like try to trap someone by saying you want something more than friends when all you wanted was friends in the first place. I really would like to know why things are expected to be one thing from guys and another from women. I try to be nice, I talk to women and I tend to generally care about people. So how come every time I turn around there is some girl running right back into the same stupid shit she has done before, sometimes with the same guy.

How come when I am honest and truthful with a person they lie to me, and are nothing but deceitful. Don't tell everyone that you want this or that you want this or that you are doing this only to not do it at all yourself and to try and take advantage of guys. Don't be uncompromising when we try to compromise with you. When we try to make you feel better and try to just be around you don't push us away. Other people have been hurt in the past too, prehaps even some as bad or worse than you. Don't call us only to play your loud music over the phone, I can't hear your music because phones weren't meant to play music.

I can say all of the terrible shit that I want to about men, how they are dogs and that most of them are just after sex. But I can say something about a lot of the ones after sex, they don't try to make it any secret. They tell you what they are about and keep telling you. Some of them tell you they don't even like you. I'm not saying that this is the right way to be, I don't want to be one of those guys. But I also don't see why its so hard to talk to a girl and get the truth.

And I am not talking about all of the girls I know, I am just talking about some in particular. And if this is about you, you would know. I am sick and fucking tired of being led on and messed with, I don't want or deserve this, I know I deserve better. And when you ask why I don't want to be friends or don't seem like I want to, then you should know, its because all of the lying and shit you did before shows me just what kind of a "friend" you are and I want no part of it.

Burden To Bare

There's this thought in my head, wrapped tight around my every reverie. It's something I know I shouldn't think about, something that I need to just forget. It's the only thing I want right now. There's another thought in my head, one that I shouldn't have to bare, one that I should have never known. Maybe putting all of this down here will help me sort it out.

But then again, I don't think it would do anymore than crying, and I'm not going to cry over this. One of these things I took on by choice, and the other, I promised I would reveal if I felt that it had to be that way. Are things supposed to be this way? Am I supposed to carry these things with me like a lock box, never to let them out even though the pressure builds each time they pass through my minds eye for closer observation?

Two things I want to say, and because of these two things my heart feels like its bound in chains, maybe if I can hold out a little longer one of these things will pass on its own, its unclear which will come first. But then again, I am not sure that I want the one to pass, because that will just make letting the other out that much harder.

Our thoughts to our thoughts, God please let me know if its my place to let this one thought out, and let me know if its my duty to hold onto the other to make sure no one hurts; because either way I'll hurt from it.

Memoria

What are we chronicling anymore? A lot of this feels like it was for nothing, and a lot of this feels like something is going to come of all of it very soon. These days I am working and I am writing; I am all in all trying to make something happen out there, I am trying to make something noticed. It dawned on me that life should be a commentary, what you should give should be a better future for those you leave in your wake.

Don't get to thinking I am wanting to start some stupid, clean the Earth program. But what I am saying is that we all make mistakes, we all do things we wish we wouldn't have. And you know Hell I can say this right now, some times it sets us back for a long time. Some times something happens and there's no getting over it, or so it seems. I still think that about some things, stuff that happened to me years ago still has an effect on me. The other morning I sat and watched Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind.

If this movie tries to stress anything, its how important memories are. I mean when you think about it, all we are is vessels that are the sum of our memories. All we have to offer the world is the lessons learned from our mistakes, left for them to find in our wakes as we dance out of this world. While there are some memories I think I could do without, some times of my life that when thought back on cause nothing but pain, I know that to get rid of them would essentially be me getting rid of myself.

"How happy is the blameless vestal's lot?

The world forgetting, by the world forgot.

Eternal sunshine of the spotless mind,

Each pray'r accepted, and each wish resign'd."

Heroes and Cowards

Call me anti-patriotic if you will, but has anyone else noticed that the word Hero is grossly over used and used incorrectly? I mean the fireme and police who died on September Eleventh, they were heroes, the soldiers who chose to go fight a war in a country they have no stock in, they are heroes, but when I was in Killeen over the weekend and those journalist were returned to the FOX news people, they were called heroes. If anything they were just unlucky. They were definately not heroes since not only did they manage to get captured, but they managed to convert themselves to Islam to get out of it.

While I am on the subject, the word coward is over used. I remember when you used to watch America's Most wanted you would here John Walsh call the killer a coward, sometimes they might have been. But I mean there are some guys who are riding around with body parts in his trunk and has bad tags on his car, that killer is not a coward. As unethical as his moves may be, he could be called plenty of other words, psychopath, asshole, sicko...but coward doesn't fit.

They call suicide the cowards way out, but there really aren't that many brave people in the world. If suicide didn't take some level of extreme balls or hopelessness, then there would be people getting nervous and killing themselves over all kinds of things. So before you use one of these words, think about its meaning, the real meaning.

Not What You Think

Well the class that I was really looking forward to taking got canceled, on top of that all of my other classes got dropped on accident, so I had to go in today and redo a schedule, which was all very frustrating. And then those lonely feelings, they just won't go away. I just want to hang out with my friends, but they are all busy today. I feel like I am being needy or something, but that's the thing that sucks about living off campus, there is no one here. I don't even have a roomamte to fall back on.

One really good thing did happen today, I got the comic turned in for the paper at UTSA, I hope it wasn't too vulgar or anything. But it really wasn't a bad one. Well this little blog won't be that long, and it won't be what everyone is expecting. This will be it.

Looks Like It's Your Fault You're Poor

Two days ago I wrote some stuff on about another blog, the blog belonged to Jacqueline Passey, before I go into another little piece on her, I would like to give you some background on the person who is writing all of this. She was born in 1978, and what's funny about her is that despite the obvoious things that I disagree with her own, she and I share many of the same interests. I was reading up on some of the stuff she writes about and she likes my favorite band Blink-182, many of the shows that I enjoy including X-Files, X-Men, Angel, and Firefly. It's odd how someone you have a lot of interests in common with can be so different from you, that why I know that you can't base a realtionship solely on interests.

Going back to what I was saying, she grew up in an upper middle class family and she said that she went through a rebellious period in her life, that brings us to our blog. And I say that I really hope I don't offend anyone by posting this. But her exact blog entry is as follows:

Second, poverty in the US is largely the result of poor choices. "Former Clinton advisor William Galston sums up the matter this way: you need only do three things in this country to avoid poverty—finish high school, marry before having a child, and marry after the age of 20. Only 8 percent of the families who do this are poor; 79 percent of those who fail to do this are poor." (Quote from "Why We Don't Marry")

Poor people consistently demonstrate poor judgement.  They drink, smoke, and use drugs at higher rates than non-poor, then wonder why they get sick.  They choose not to buy adequate insurance, setting themselves up for financial catastrophe, claiming they "can't afford" it when they apparently have plenty of money to spend on color TVs and cigarettes.  They tend to be fatter, which as I've already explained, is 100% within their control and the result of either poor values or lack of self-control. 

Yes, I'm "blaming the victim."  The so-called "victims" are to blame!  They are the ones repeatedly making the bad decisions that put them into poverty and keep them there.

Who are the real victims?  US taxpayers.  The bottom 40% pay little or no income taxes, or even receive money in the form of tax credits.  Everyone else is forced to subsidize poor people's poor choices through numerous welfare programs that just encourage more bad behavior.  Incentives matter.  When you give people money and benefits for being poor, you get more "poor" people.

We need to stop encouraging poor people's bad choices and start holding them responsible instead.

Now I don't consider myself as a conservative, issues like prostitution being legal don't bother me. If people want to pay for something that plenty of people are giving out for free, that's their choice; I wouldn't want to. But hey it might take, look how they can sell a common fucking thing like water that covers most of the planet. And I definately don't consider myself a liberal I have never been for and never will be for abortion, simple as that.

But I think that what she is saying right here is pretty odd to say about a group such as the homless and impoverished where many of them have metal issues, are disabled or have other obstacles in their way. Let's paint the example of the ideal family, a mom, a dad, and a son and daughter. Rightfully so lets say your daughter needs surgery and you're already pretty much just getting by. You do this to make it better for her, and end up spending almost a decade coming back from it.

See the thing that people that are middle class don't seem to get is that the system is made for us, when it was constructed, it had the people at the top in mind. People that even if they don't have the right kind of insurance might be able to go to Canada and get it. I don't need to look at statistics. I can say this, drug addiction and alcoholism are diseases. And what really gets me about all of this when people talk like this about poverty is that these are the same people who are pro-abortion (pro choice is bullshit, pro abortion is what it is). These people act as if an unborn child is a disease that needs to be done away with when it is in you're body, going as far to refer to the child as if it is a parasite. Then on the other hand, when it comes to alcoholism and drug use, which are proven to be much like diseases, they shit on these poor people and want to make them be held accountable.

I think that Mitch Hedburn said it best when he said that alcoholism is the only disease you can have where people will get mad at you. No one is going to walk up to you and go, "You motherfucker, you've got a Lupis problem!" Now its true, I don't always bend over backwards to help the poor, but when I can I try. And I definately don't blame them for something that American society structured just so they couldn't win.

The trick here is, we all make bad choices, but when you don't have daddy there to bail you out, then its your fault and you should know that you don't have the right to make that choice, I guess. Does that sound fair to you?

Ten Months

Never a dull moment right? Never able to fit just right and always out of place. It's hard when you feel like a circle peg trying to get into a start shaped hole. Why is it that I feel like nothing is ever fitting right in life and I feel like there is nothing left to do at all. I talked to Heather for a long time tonight, what I didn't tell her is that lately its been harder and harder for me to get things done. It's lonely around here, I live alone now, for the first time really with not much hope of me havign a roommate anytime soon. I mean I have talked with Brandon about rooming with him at the end of this year, but that is a long time away.

And there is so much else to be scared of, besides what I spent most of my time talking to Heather about. But, this has been really hard on me lately, because my Dad keeps saying it, and its fucking pissing me off, not at him, just in general to think. My Dad keeps saying that he knows he is dying and that he just can't keep working this long. I know that the reason he is working is partly my fault, I am the one still in school dependant on my parents.

My mom is retired now, if my Dad dies I don't know what I will do then, I mean realistically my mom is not really my Mom, she's my step mom. My real mom died when I was 6. For real family, parents that is this is my last one. And I really love my dad, I really do. I may give him Hell, but I feel like I need to go see him this week, first and foremost. He works so hard up there, away from anyone else and he's practically all alone except for his friend from work who lives about twenty miles away, Charles, but he's not up there all of the time.

So that's what I'm doing, and I feel bad that I can't even talk about half of the stuff I want to talk about here, that was only one of the most pertinent. For those of you expecting more on the lady I wrote about yesterday, well I had something personal and important to talk about today. I had to talk about yesterday was a shitty day, I had to talk about it because it's what I have been wanting to say about everyday for the last few weeks; and really life is not looking any better. I've got this secret in me, eating away at everything, I've got something to worry about all of the time, and I have no one to talk to about half of these things and no one to spend time with.

Ten months until I move out, ten months until the next summer, ten more months life feeling disconnected. I can only pray that at the end of all of this when I am back around people I don't feel just as lonely still.

This my life for the next ten months.

For What It's Worth

Alright, this is something that I haven't had to do in a long while, not since the days of Kay, Amanda, and Twinks. But I have to talk about this because frankly I haven't seen anything like it on the internet as of yet. I don't know if any of you have heard of a blogger named Jacqueline Passey. She's pretty much an advocate for a lot of things. I even commented on two of her blogs, I wasn't rude about it. I just had a few questions. She posted a lot of info, such as this in one of her latest blogs:

I am a very high-quality woman. I know that sounds arrogant, but let’s consider the facts:

• I’m slim (whereas 62% of American women age 20 to 74 are overweight)



• I’m attractive (my new picture has been rated more attractive than 86% of the women on Hot or Not -- and the women who upload their pictures are a self-selected sample that is probably already biased towards being more attractive than the general female population)



• I’m relatively young (whereas 82% of American adult women are over 30 years old)



• I’m intelligent (IQ tested at 145 when I was a child, which is 3 standard deviations above the mean -- higher than 99.85% of the population. Even if I’ve gotten dumber as I’ve aged I’m probably still at least a 130, which is higher than 97.5% of the population.)



• I’m educated (whereas 77% of American women do not have bachelor’s degrees)



• I have my financial shit together (no debt, perfect credit history, 6+ months living expenses saved, adequate insurance, self employed)



• I have a strong libido and love having sex (my lover *never* has to beg, unless it’s for me to let him get some sleep!)



• Most of my interests tend to be more popular with men than women: science fiction, libertarianism, blogging, politics, economics, guns, gambling, etc.

Given that self-improvement is an ongoing project of mine this list will continue to grow (I’m currently working on adding bilingual, very physically fit, well-traveled, higher income, and fantastic cook to the list). So even when “relatively young” (an important criteria for most men) drops off that list, I should have added enough other things that my overall dating market value should remain the same or even improve.

The above list explains why I typically receive 50-100 (sometimes more) responses whenever I post personal ads. This is in addition to getting hit on almost every time I go out alone (and all that those men know about me is that they like the way I look, they don’t even know about all the other qualities I have that make me more appealing than most other women).

So, I have a *lot* of choices of men who want to date me. Given that, of course I choose to date only the highest quality men -- men who are also fit, attractive, intelligent, educated, financially successful, etc.  I’m attracted to men from any race and a wide age range (21 to 50 or so) so the pool of men who meet those requirements is quite large, which allows me to add all sorts of additional restrictions if I want -- must be atheist, must be libertarian, must not want (more) children, must be financially independent or self-employed and available for frequent world travel, etc.

This is an actual word for word post from her blog. Now what I want to say about this is that I think that this is the main problem with american society. People who look for all of the things listed above, people who think these are the only things that matter. I know that some of those things are important, but the thing is when the shit hits the fan will you still be beautiful? Will you still be financially secure?

I have heard so many tales of real love and how love can perservere through anyhting. And the problem is that when you are looking for all of these things, when one of them falls out of place, you might be ready to give up on them all. I talk big, but I don't know much about love really. I have loved but I have never been loved back, not really. But I can say this, distance, time, money, and even looks shouldn't get rid of love.

If you feel for soemone, really feel for them you should tell them. A strong libido isn't going to do much when everything else has drained out of the realtionship. I say this because I know that so many people count on sex to slove all of their problems when many times outside of a heathy realtionship it just creates more.

I do find it kind of funny that I don't fit any of the requirments that she listed, I mean look: must be atheist, must be libertarian, must not want (more) children, must be financially independent or self-employed and available for frequent world travel, etc. I am definately not an atheist, I'm not even sure what a libertarian is, I want children, at least two, I still depend on my family, and I hate being on planes.

I wish that people could understand what real love is, and understand why the divorce rate in this country, and just around the world in general is so high. That having been said, I know that I need to end this here, I need to get some sleep. But I will be writing more on this blog as I have time to look at it. For those who don't know, I start school Monday, so I will have less and less time starting then. But I would like to tell you all to make sure that you remember what's important in this world.

Coming Along

Let's just say that the past year has been a learning experince, for the most part I have made the perfect example of what not to do, I have really shown just how low down things can get, I have shown just how much I can bounce back from and I have made some important new friends. I have realized that theater a lot of things that I really want to get done and get out there. Like I want to get at least the first half of my series of stories written out, and then I want to get this comic done, which seems to be becoming more and more of a reality.

I have actually be drawing something, unlike how I didn't draw the first half of summer. But the not drawing something for all of that time was not my fault as much as it was my schedules and the fact that my brother wanted me to do all of this work around the house, havew a job and pay rent and the fact that I felt like the more sleep I got the less I would have to deal with the things going on around me.

Even now there has been a lot on my plate, a lot on my mind. And the more things that I do, the more it seems to take care of all of these things. This summer couldn't have gone any better in respects to the last year. It had to go the way that it did because I needed to really get a good look at the way things were going to be if I didn't shape up. Before many of the things I claimed I as going to do, I didn't do, now that I know how things are going to be, I have to do them. I have to do everything I can, that even means not giving up on the things I used to want so badly. That's where the comic comes in, and some other things too.

One thing I have noticed is that it feels a lot like just because you aren't on their schedule, people act as if the things you do don't mean anything. They promise things and then don't act on them. Like lets go here, but then they never deliver. I'm really getting tired of it, and for the most part I'm not going to be going out very much anymore. There is a lot for me to be doing right now, like writing and drawing. I need to write a lot more if I ever want to get this story done, and please my fans. (I'm joking).

The Future

There has been so much going on this week, with the comic and just in general, everyone is coming back to San Antonio which is good because I missed a lot of people but we are also seeing who is not coming back at the same time and its hard to find out that someone you enjoyed hanging around will not be back this year.

The other night I was on the way to or from somewhere, I think I was on the way back from Greg's, I sat down and I called PJ up on the phone and we got to talking. And he said something that I hadn't really heard anyone say before, but I knew that I had felt it for a long time. He and I were talking about moving away from home, and living on our own in kind of a childish way.

Somewhere along the line the conversation got serious. And PJ just came out with I can't being able to make enough money and live on my own. He didn't mean it the way you're all thinking, he meant what I was thinking exactly. That he couldn't imagine it. I look around and I see a lot of the future in my friends, not all of them are bright.

But some of them are right there with me in the future, and they're the people I wouldn't replace with anyone. I have a lot that I want to say about what I thought about when I was talking to PJ, I told him a lot of it. I told him about some of the things I would like to see happen. And surprisingly enough all of this was bought on by the advent of the comic, or our involvement into the comic. This is an idea we have had since fifth grade and I would like just once to get something I want to do, done.

There is a lot of things that I want to say, things I am thinking right now. I can't really talk about them. I have never been one to hold back much on this blog. But these are feelings that I have kept inside for this long, and I need to hold onto them for a little longer, see exactly what they mean. I know they mean a lot to me, but I don't know where they go.

Gotta get up for more school stuff to be taken care of, that means I have to go.

Can You?

Maybe I am thinking to hard, maybe I feel this way because something said scares me, and it really does. I love all of my friends but there is just something about the idea of one friend cheating another that gets to me, and that's all I can say. I can't be asked to name names, I can't be asked to go into more detail.

I have been thinking about something, what would you give up for someone, you know what I mean. I don't mean having someone in a sexual way, that's just shallow and stupid. I mean what would you give up to really have someone to hold, to talk, to be with? I have been thinking about that because life requires us to make sacrifices, whether they be small or large. Are we willing to sacrifice enough? And after we do will we be bitter about it, because that kind of takes the whole point away.

I think that I can, I think I'm strong enough to do that...

Now more Kingdom Hearts quote junk...

Thinking of you, where ever you are. We pray for our sorrows to end and hope that our hearts will blend. Now I will step forward to realize this wish and who knows: starting a new journey may not be so hard or maybe it has already begun. There are many worlds. but they share the same sky—one sky, one destiny.

Back Home / Comic Party

It's about time for me to go and take a shower, I just wanted to say that this is my official home message, that I am back in San Antonio, but this is not the end of my little ride, I have a lot to take care of. I have a lot on my mind too, namely one thing that I won't go into detail about :).

Thing is, I have been thinking about everything more seriously now. I want to write this story, I want to do this comic and I want to be truthful to myself and others. So that's what's going on right now. Going home helped me think, it helped me clear my head and gave me the courage to do something I had been aching to do for a while.

And now I have the courage to try this comic thing over, I don't care what others think of it. I have had a lot of complaints that the comic was too wordy.

Sorry that people are too lazy to read, but its not even that wordy, only a few of them are. The others are just more words crammed into less bubbles, which I plan to fix this time around. I don't want to say to much, but if you want some comicy goodness check these out!

New Stuff

The Regulars Main Characters

Same as the above, uncolored

Greg character colored

Tanookie Promo Art

The Infamous Skin Head Scott

Nikki

Old Psersp Art

Nikki lineart

Old Heather Art

Comics

So That's Where They Come From (comic)

Hand's On(comic)

Two Of A Kind(comic)

The Perfect Gift #1(comic)

Trinity Delimna #2(comic)

Claudia Kills(comic)

Old Stuff

All Characters(old)

Comic Concepts 1(old)

Even More Comic Concepts(old)

Vanessa Design(old)

The girls(old)

Mandi Concept(old)

Old Regulars Concept(old)

Original Regulars Girls(old)

8.106(old)

Kinsey Concept(old)

Ashley Remix(old)

Final Allsion(old)

Erin's the Best At Smiling(old)

What's my Age Again(old)

Dressed to Kill

Cute Without the 'e'(old)

No It Isn't

This is for someone who hurt me so badly, and when I say hurt, I mean that kind that inflicts the heart. I don't know if I will ever look at friends the same, I mean its been months and I can't stop thinking about it. Greg's roommate Beef showed me this song by +44 and all I can say is that I understand the lyrics because they hit home.

Mark Hoppus formerly of Blink-182 is the singer, people say the song is about Tom, but I think its about this girl he used to like back when Blink was getting big, I have reasons for this. But yeah, this describes what it felt like last November(2005)...

Please understand

This isn't just goodbye

This is I cant stand you

This is where the road crashed into the ocean

It rises all around me

And now we're barely breathing

A thousand faces we'll choose to ignore

[chorus]

Curse my enemies forever

Lets slit our wrists and burn down something beautiful

This desperation leaves me overjoyed

With fading lights that leads us past the lives that we destroy

I listen to you cry

I cry for less attention

But both my hands are tied

And I'm pushed into the deep end

I listen to you talk but talk is cheap

And my mouth is filled with blood

From trying not to speak

So search for an excuse

And someone to believe you

In foreign dressing rooms

I'm empty with the need to

[chorus]

Curse my enemies forever

Lets slit our wrists and burn down something beautiful

This desperation is leaving me overjoyed

With fading lights that leads us past the lives that we destroy

Please understand

This isn't just goodbye

This is I cant stand you

New Job Time

I'm just sitting here, thinking and thinking and thinking some more. So yeah I did quit the job, now time to replace it.

Two Whole Years

Alright, well mark this day, this is the two year anniversary of this place. And I would like to take this time to announce that I am making a new comic. You know how we do.

Since this blog was started:

blink-182's broken up

I've had and lost my first girlfriend

Apple got a deal with Intel

The Dave Chappelle Show has gone off

The Iraq War has been raging on

I've met some of the best friends I will ever have

Fall Out Boy and Panic! At the Disco have gone from small time to the biggest things

Three people from my high school have died

The X-Box 360 has come out and the PS3 and Wii have been announced.

Sequels to Kingdom Hearts and Xenosaga have come out.

Tiffany's gone from dating PJ, to being married to some other dude.(word?)

Penny Arcade has made 156 comics and their first book

Maddox has written 15 articles (sad really)

Zero terror attacks have happened on American soil

My mom has retired

I've gone on and off of medication

I've lost three very good friends, but apparently they weren't as good as I thought.

I've become 67% more effective at sarcasm...

And this site has gotten 7221 hits.

Here's to the future.

Quitter

Quitting my job later today, more later...

I Think We've Got The Wrong Dicks

I think we've got the wrong dicks.

That was the line a little over two years ago when PJ, Alexis, Tiffany and I came to San Antonio on our Senior trip. The story? Well PJ and I wanted to go to a resturant called Dicks here in town. Its one of those theme resturants and the theme is being rude the costumers. Like sometimes when you ask for more bread they just throw it to you, but its all in good fun.

Well, the girls were not having it, we had to go somewhere nice. And we did, it was okay, but it was boring. No one threw a single thing at us...

PJ and I decided that we could sneak out while the girls were sleep and go back, but I told him that with our luck we would end up in some similarly titled Women's Strip Club, to which he appropriately said 'Justin, I think we've got the wrong dicks'.

Boobs

Persephanie got this started, she said this because of something that I posted earlier, and I felt the need to actually make a real post instead of just one of those short bits like I normally do. What happened is Persephanie asked me why guys like boobs so much. And for the most part I don't understand most of it. What I do know is that people will claim their just fun, don't know what that means, don't really want to know.

At first I told her that I didn't understand it because I don't like them really. But she asked me why most of the guy population likes them. I know that I have gotten up here and gone on about the whole men seeing women as objects thing. I think that at sometime all men have been guilty of it. Even if it was when you were younger, I know that when I was younger there might be those guys you thought were the cool kids. And when I was that age all I wanted was to be noticed. This was a long time ago, it got to the point that when I had something in common with this one kid, I would immediately try and prove it so we'd have some common ground for friendship.

Well once I told him I liked the color green and he called me a liar. Not fun. Later when I was older and guys would talk about wanting to 'bone' some girl, I would just nod and not say anything. Remember, image is everything. I was too scared to say anything back. One time a guy I was in school with asked me which girl I would want to have sex with in our class? I mean this was just me in the hall randomly and he walks up and askes that. Some guys considered that small talk back then.

But this kind of thing continues even until this day and age. I met two guys outside of the movie theater where I was working the other day. Well they seemed pretty cool and one of the managers at the theater is two months younger than me. She is reall beautiful, I don't know how else to describe her, I don't talk to her much, but it was two in the morning and I didn't want to leave her there without anyone else, so I stayed around. Well finally as her ride got there and she was leaving one of the guys said something along the lines of See you baby, and blew a kiss at her.

I just mentioned that was wrong, because I am sure she gets that kind of thing all of the time and that she is tired of it. So what can we do to get rid of all this? Well we can say just one thing, guys, we need to learn how to treat women. One thing I have said is treat women as you would want your own daughter treated.

And I know that there are women who treate guys the same way, but I don't really know many of them or have the inside knowledge to talk about it.

So now to go on with it the way I meant to: boobs and what they boil down too. Boobs represent all that is backwards in society. I mean it is legal for men to show their chest, but not women. By that right what are the diffrences in the chest of a man and a woman. Some men have nipples that are semi-functional, that is to say a saline solution is emitting from them at times. Even that having been said, what causes women's breasts to have to be covered is most likely the size, right?

Well next time you see a fat guy with no shirt tell him to wrap that shit up, that's what the law is telling me. Even more so, if they made it legal for women to go topless tomorrow, a men would look for a week or two. But there's only so much of that you can get excited over before you get bored with it. It's like Doug Stanhope said:

I might stare for a day or something, but after that I don't give a shit. And I know that because I have sat in a titty bar for so long I became completely desensitcised. You spend eight hours with tits hanging in your face, slapping off you head and your like, 'whatever, just get me another cock-tail'. But if that cock-tail waitress leans over and you can see down her shirt, you go 'look I can see her tit, its right there!' After right hours that's the best tit you saw all night, because its the tit your not supposed to see.—Doug Stanhope, Comedian

Likewise I have a story that is the reverse of this, at my school so many girls walk around wearing short skirts, like wash cloth short, that when one comes in with a skirt at or past the knee, I can't stop looking!

The Eternal Question

Today on the internet you can find some of the smartest people in existence. For instance in a forum just today I saw some young person pose the most brilliant question and I quote, Why does girls like dicks?

Well there you have it, that is the problem with the youth of the world.