Fuck That Name...

I talked to a girl today who shared her name with another girl, a girl who has become notorious as far as I am concerned for lying and being a total waste of my time. Someone who should have never met me, someone I should have never met. I feel used when I think about this and even though this other girl seems pretty cool and even sencere I can't get over ther person who came before her. The person who walked all over the friendship I offered and spit it back in my face by lying about me.

More than ever I just say fuck her. She's not worth it and she wasn't even the first to do this, but she lied the most, spread more rumors and made more people think I was something I am not. Now when I think about her, I don't think of a friend that I lost in a misunderstanding, I think of the girl who had all of the friendship she needed and caring she could have asked for and she decided that it would be better to throw it all in my face, walk away and then lie about me to others. Then tell me she had been lying to me about how she felt all along, that she didn't want my around, that it was always me who wanted to be there.

Its bad when you leave a mark so bad that the next person who comes along and shares that name has to have it taken out on them.

But Why is the Rum Gone?

Had a long talk with Heather last night, and had one of those moments where you know there's someone up there looking out for you after that. Right now I am trying to decided write or draw and preparing to go out with friends. I might even go see PoTC again. It has been a good last few days. Here's to the summer.

Where Did I Go?

Sorry for the lack of blog yesterday, I went to go see Pirates of the Carribeian 2 with my friend Heather and it was great. After the movie I ended up getting sick and even missing work. But the movie was well worth getting sick for. I loved it and I thought that it greatly expanded on the first one. There were some times that it could get a little confusing, it confused Heather some I remember, but that might just be because she went to the bathroom when half of the stuff was explained.

The whole me being sick thing seems to hve got me in trouble at work, I called in and they told me I would need a note. Well their problem, I'm not going to get a note when I am throwing up from bad food, I came back here and slept between periods of throwing up.

I am getting fed up with the job really and I am appling at some other places, one of them is the place where Persephanie works, one of the others was this little pizza place, and even still another is Best Buy. I just need to get to some job where the hours are better and the people don't treat me like shit just because they think they can. I am trying now. I really am.

Well I really need to get going, so I can do something besides blog all night, I'll be back tomorrow morning maybe.

And to Yara, congradulations on the year of having a blog now. I am so proud of you! You've really taken to it hard, more so than me, keep up the good work!

Looking Back On Today

Who would have thought, in just one more month and one day this blog will be two years old. I have a hard time believing that I have stuck with anyone thing this long. But its special to say that. I always joked that I would stop this blog when I got married, the night after I got married. I don't know why I say that, because really there's nothing more interesting sometimes than the stuff that happens between couples.

And men, being the destructive and stupid force that we are have a tendancy to do dumb shit,I think this blog will only start to get interesting after I get married. Right?

But I could sit here and talk about the furture for a long time, that's a long ways away. But what I can say right now, is that this blog has helped me to make new friends and helped me through some hard times. I hope that I get many more good things out of this, and I bring something to others too.

Just So Long As This Thing's Loaded

Why can't I feel anything for anyone other than you?

That question is really previlant in my life right now, and you; you might know who you are. And that's what I'm scared of.

And will you tell all your friends you've got your gun to my head.

I Think God Can Explain

Entirely too hard for me to do any of this stuff, right? People give up too easily on things sometimes; people want to tak an easier way out. We all want that path of least resistance. So many things that we want to do, that we force ourselves into are much harder than we first expect so we back out of them. Anything we could want at all could turn out to be more of a challenge than we initially think. That's just the way life goes. I think that for the most part, many of the things that I wanted before, I realize now that I don't want.

I wanted them be cause I thought I needed. I really can't explain all of this better than that. I guess that when we are at our lonliest we have the most time to reflect and think about what we really want. I used to get really lonely where I was living before, I mean I was alone in my room most of the day, alone at work most of the night. What else can you say?

Now I realize that I'm not going to have to be alone anymore all of the time, I am near friends, and near other people that I could make friends with. But the fact still remains I want someone I can hang out with on a regular basis, someone to just talk to and to be around. Its hard to find that, I used to have it because well we were all couped up there at the school.

Even the people that are here with me, Heather, Brandon, Greg, Persephanie and some others, they are harder and harder to get hold of and we all work and have things to do, commitments to meet and the like. It gets hard to coordinate something when we all work different days at different times and just a week back I lived thirty miles from anyone.

To tell the trut I had no idea it was that fucking far! I thought I was much closer than that to tell the truth. None of it matters now, all that there is to say is that there's somethings out there I really want, I really want to do, and not just that...things I need to do too. And I am trying increasingly harder to do them. It just takes time, I can't even explain it. I don't think anyone can...except maybe God.

Bounce

Did you know I moved yet? Well if not, I have.

Things are better this way, I like it here and I feel like I finally have space to be responsible for my own actions and to learn things.

Today I learned that it is wise to keep up with your bank statements; I learned that no one can be forced to tell you what they do with your money.

Allow me to explain, the company I work for issued me pay for last week on the twenty third of June, a Friday. I cashed the check Monday and it fucking bounced.

So now I have fraudulent charges on my account because I wrote hot checks not knowing it. And the man at the bank says, I bet you'll quit that company. He says, The young man in here didn't even know what was going on?

I hate where I work...

I'm embarassed that something like this could even happen, I guess that's the Price you pay.

My Problem

Today should have been a good day, I mean I was excited because my car was going to be ready and I am moving out of here tomorrow. I thought I had everything ready and I would just start packing when I got home from work ealier. Well my brother decided to wait until the last minute and take me halfway to where I needed to be, then bring me back and tell me that he can't take me because it was too later. Now I might normally be slow at getting ready, but I was ready as early as four thirty.

I really hate not having my car; I don't have have any way to get around and since I am way out here where there are no friends to help me out, I really am screwed. My brother is always acting really snotty about it and asking me Why don't you just call one of your friends to give you a ride? The closest friends to where I am now are probably Heather or Greg, both of which don't have the time to drive twenty miles just to pick me up before driving me wherever it is I need to go!

I try not to be a pain, I got my car taken care of, got it ready and was waiting for him and he just told me it wasn't his problem. Basically that he doesn't care. He just acted like it wasn't his problem or fault, so I had to call into work and tell them I couldn't make it for the first time. I will probably get in trouble for this, because we're supposed to call in four hours ahead of time, and I didn't know about this stuff 7:45, that is when I called in. And I was supposed to be at work and hour and fifteen minutes later.

I always try and worry about others, I always think about helping someone out, even if it might not always seem like it. But I don't know how my brother doesn't understand that he could be a little nicer to me. I try to be nice to him, I even tried to stay out of the way because he pretty much acted like I was getting in the way, so I stayed in the room here.

He had a good thing going, he was getting four hundred dollars a month from me for rent, which is too much for what I got really. On top of that, my brother lived with my parents long after he first moved out, with my other brother and stuff like that and he never paid rent with them once. And while he has helped me out a lot over the years, when he wanted to, it was always with such a bad attitude. And I don't always have the best one, but he could try once in a while to hold a conversation with me about something with out calling me names or cursing me out. I don't.

So that's it, I'm not going to try and be nice anymore, I'm moving out in about 36 hours and I have stuff to do before then, like pack and call the cable company up to get some stuff ironed out so that I have television and internet. But I need to get off of here, I just woke up from a long nap, it felt good.

There's No Excuse

Why is it with all of the friends that we have the ones that ignore us seem to pull in the most attention when there are more people out there. I meet new people out there all of the time but it seems that when I have a friend that is just flat out ignoring me it really pisses me off. Most of the people that read this, in fact all of them are not who I'm talking about. I'm not going to name names, but the thing here is that the person I am talking about I have known for years and been nothing but nice to.

I think that people need to realize that when someone calls you, tries to talk to you on here and just generally asks how you are, you should make some effort to actually talk back to them. I'm not doing it for my health. Its one thing if you take a few days to reply, but when you flat out ignore them and then talk to people that you've never even met in real life or talked to on the phone, that also pisses me off. I'm tired of being nice to people and having to hunt them down or call for months on end just to get one returned call.

It's not cute, its not funny, it won't make people like you more.

There's not much else I can say, I don't get people.

Can't Stop Change

Everything changes, right? All of the things in life work on this cycle where nothing you know will stay one way forever. I can sit here and list off the things that I never expected to be the way they are right now, doesn't stop them from being that way. It doesn't really stop anything. In the back of my mind I wonder where its all going; that is the natural order of things I think. People are going to grow and change and when you're not there to experince it with them or to see at least half of that growth.

When someone changes and you can't be there to see it them change and you don't have any understanding for the circumstances. Over the past year, just this year alone almost everyone I know has changed dramatically. I know this might sound like nothing to say, people change all of the time. But I can tell you that I can even see the change in myself now. I have learned a lot about just about everything I thought I knew about before. I learned a lot about writing, relationships, school and just other things in general.

Then it seems I am just getting to know people that I never thought I would have the chance to know, it makes me wish I had gotten to know them earlier. Like Persephanie, who I never expected to talk to that much until something just told me get her email from Heather, talk to her or something. It worked out to be a good thing, I talk to her almost every day and its one of the funnest things I do in the day. And I know that I do not maintain this blog like I used to, I used to write in here two or three times almost everyday.

Work has been hard, there's not much to say about it. It's not much fun, it's not even that hard when you think about it, but its just hard being out there alone like that, you start to get tired just because your bored. And when someone calls, anyone, you jump on the chance to talk to them. But speaking of work, I have to go get ready for it.

It's going to be another long night, but I will be looking at apartments tomorrow it seems like.

Asian Midget Vampires

Looks like Bri and I have some of the most in depth conversations:

And you thought Utah was just for polygamist?

Persephanie

Well Persephanie gave me a good review of the story that had her in it, I am so happy to get that in the midst of me not having a very good summer at all. What I can say is that I am getting to know her a little better and it is really nice to have somone to look foward to emailing back and forth, I haven't even had that like this.

So here's to Persephanie and the story!

Change of Plan

Now, I have a little bit of good news, my mom did a better job looking at aparments and I have found the place I want to stay, and possibly the place I will remain for at least the next year or so. I am sorry to say it, but there is a lot going on with me right now and this apartment thing seems like the best way to solve a lot of problems at once. If you all need to know anything about me, its that my work space is usually a desk, or a table, which is why I am so eager to get the lap top from my dad so I can go write down in the library or in Starbucks instead of having to sit here at this house all of the time.

With my current set up it is too hard to draw or work on anything like that because I don't essentially have a table, or the money to buy one. The rent my brother charges me here is like almost half of my paycheck, so how could I buy anything? But right now I could say a lot for what has been happening. This is the important thing though. I need to sit down and plan out the next few things that I am going to do with my art too, I need to work on more photography more than anything else because I have some ideas I want to try out.

Fed Up

Well I basically got chewed out again tonight when I simply drove a few miles out of the way just to get my clothes and pillows and stuff. I figure that if I have to sleep on the floor here everyday I might as well have my pillows and all of that other stuff. I figure that I am not being too unreasonable, especially since I was on the West side of town, but then when I do it I get bitched at for wasting so much gas. At this point I am paying rent and have been for a while, I don't get anything that the normal people paying rent get, I get shit. I can't even sleep as long as I want to, I get treated like a fucking kid all of the time.

So my dad called tonight and they found these apartments they wanted me to look at, I did it and I am in love, I think I might try and get these as soon as I can, I can't take much more of this living over here. It's not even the distance, it wouldn't be half bad is my brother didn't treat me like I was a prisoner instead of someone paying rent and going to work as much as he does.

Granted he works like all these extra hours because he takes them, but I don't want to waist the only two days a week that I can potentially write on sitting at some other place for extra money. If I had a family I would do it, but I can't even think about having a family for a pretty long time.

If I get this fucking apartment though, it will change everything, I will actually be able to spread out and just be fine for a while. And I wouldn't have to hear bitching about how I am doing this or that and its so wrong despite the fact I pay for it and its just as much my choice as its not my brother's.

But I don't want to fucking go off on that for too much longer.

The other matter at hand is that I am quickly falling for this girl and the thing is, I know I shouldn't be. She won't respond well to this whole thing at all I am sure. And its funny when you think about how you should talk about who to ask out, I was one of those people who would always think about it in terms of the girl I wanted and the girl I could have. What I basically mean is that there are those girls that I really know would be good to date and fun and I would be totally satisfied with, But those are usually the ones I know I could never have.

And when it comes up that I want to go after someone who used to like me, they now have lost interest because I guess they no better. It's always too late when you realize these kinds of things. But now, there's someone I like again and I know that this one is pretty much out of my league. And there are a couple other people I have been thinking about but the same goes for them.

It really does feel like there's not going to be anything going right with me for a while.

Good to Know That If I Want Attention All I Have to Do is Die!

When a guy out there is trying to get to a girl, when there is something going on with him and he just wants to get her attention, how long is it before she actually knows what the Hell is going on? Do women have a sixth sense about these kinds of things? I get used to being the guy who the girls not interested in and I wonder does it make them mad when they think someone likes them, but they don't like him back.

My experince with women is pretty slim to none and I was just wondering a lot of things. Normally I would ask Heather or someone else that I considered to see guys in a normal way. As many of you know, this blog has been around a long fucking time and many times you can see me asking the same questions. Mostly that's because I have seen a lot of things I didn't even think were there, suddenly crop up. I have seen girls claimed I liked them when I never did, or I have seen girls I like never even notice what was going on.

Maybe part of that comes from the experince on their part too, but at the same time, where I come from its okay for a guy to do something for a girl and not like her. Not in that Tiny Vessels sort of way, I mean do things for them like take them out places, hang out with them. Nothing sexual, you know. Somewhere along the line I started to think that maybe my friends were right, I have something to offer a woman that I date, I just need to figure out what I want to do next. A lot of my time is spent either writing or wishing I had the courage to go after things I want.

When it comes right down to it, I would just have to find the time and places to go out and meet people. Or the courage to talk to the girls I know that I am already interested in.

Writing Again

There is just a lot of stuff that I would like to say, truth be told. Most of what I have been doing is writing, that and working. I would like to really try and get something out there in the writing world, and maybe it won't be what I have been working on right now, or what I have been working on for years. I have been writing on this story since I was in Junior High, writing and rewriting.

That's the thing, I used to think that was a long time, but I read about authors doing thirty years bewtween novels, I read about how two thirds of a story written in 1977 finally get their ending in the late eighties. I really love to write, there are times when I am planning a story, sitting out in the rain at work, in my car, under the street lamps when the perfect thing dawns on me.

Expect to see more writing from me, expect to see more writing from me. Much of the stuff that I hope to do in the future is short, original character stuff that is just for the hell of it, something that's just seven pages is short, but that's the way that the novel Fight Club started.

There is so much to do when you start a story not thinking about how everything is going to work out in the end. Like in one of my stories I spent so much time setting up the begining and middle of the story, and all of the stuff that was being set up had no resolution. So now I have to go through and bust my ass just to get things to work out in the end and wrap up in a reasonable number of pages. Not that there is a reasonable number of pages.

This Girl I Know

There's been a lot going on, there's always a lot going on, and I will write about more of it tomorrow. But for right now I will say there is this girl, I know her sort of well. And I met her a while back. I'm interested in her, but with me there is always some obstacle, for one my car is out of comission now, and all of the working makes it hard to do anything. Soon I will start the apartment search. So wish me luck, and wish me luck with this girl!

Broke Down

So today really hasn't been one of the best days, for one my car broke down after work. I'm tried of having to drive clear across town to go to work. It doesn't make sense really. I was talking to my other brother, the one that lives in Houston, and he was telling me that I should find a new job because of the way I am being treated over there. He is right in a way, I mean they are having me work all over town and not caring about where I live in relative to that.

They don't really care much about a damn thing and it makes me sick to think that I thought that I might like that job. But they take my days off, they give me terrible hours clear across town where they work there that day wouldn't even have paid for my gas to get there. I know now I have got to find a new job.

As for the car breaking down Greg gave me a ride home and I have to tell him thanks for that.

Update Late

Well it seems like its been a long time since I did anything with my blog, that's because it has. Work and a lack of internet access has caused that really. And work is hard and boring, I got in trouble for the first time this past week, and the worst part is that I totally thought I was doing the right stuff. People who have been there for a while act like it should be common sense, like everything should come natural.

In truth nothing really comes natural, I think its kind of bullshit for them to get onto me when I have worked there like three weeks and they have worked there so much longer. In truth I can't really see myself doing this job much longer. Of course I need to really hunt hard for a new job, because its when you just get angry and search for something that you end up making a dumb choice.

See earlier this week I lost some equipment, not that I want to go into all of it. The thing about this piece of equipment is that no one told me exactly how much it was. If I had known that the damn thing was nearly six hundred dollars I would have never left it unattended. Like I said, they expect you to know shit like this because...God knows what.

I really don't want to think about it anymore, that shit will really just piss me off. What I would like to think about is that I really need to go out and get back into things, go out and meet new people and the like. I think it wouldn't hurt to go on a date or something, but there is really no one that I know of that I can just go up to and ask, I mean anyone I know is a friend or a friend of a friend. My whole life is basically been writing and reading for the last few weeks. Well of course there was work too.

I worked this movie theater today, actually one of Heather's good friends works there. And the odd thing was that I worked there before but this time I noticed this girl and there was something extremly attractive about her. In that cute sort of pixie way. I talked to her only a little bit, and she seemed to be younger, maybe nineteen at the most, which isn't that much of a difference.

But I would have to talk to Kristian, Heather's friend, to know for sure. Then there is the fact that I'm not that good at talking to girls in the first place. Well I better get off of this thing, I need to get some drawing done because its been a while and I have soem ideas.

Today

Today Heather and I went to see a movie, it was X-Men three. I actually enjoyed it alot and its always fun hanging out with Heather. We have been doing a lot of stuff together lately, mostly because most of my other friends don't want to hang out anymore. I mean I am lucky if I am able to get hold of half of them by phone or anything else.

I'm not upset about it, because today is one of my days off and Friday I get paid, I am going to go buy a Nintendo DS to play at work, and I am going to try and save as much of the rest as I can. I need to get ready to go to bed, my dad is in town, Heather and I went by to see him yesterday and tomorrow we go by her work and see her, since she's come to see me and helped me stay awake and all of that mess.

New Contender Enters the Ring

Last night I just started writing in a note book, like it was my journal, but somehow it was better than the blog. Somehow it was me saying the things out loud that I didn't type or even want to think about. So far I have covered six pages in writing and some how it feels thearaputic. Writing about things that you just keep to yourself, even if you know only you were to see them feels like something special. Like even then, you shared something that you never would have.

That's about all that I can think to say about it.

Alright, so I have been working a lot lately, like six to twleve hours a night. Its not as bad as it sounds. I basically read an entire Dan Brown novel in two days and I am working on reading a Chuck Paulhnick book. It gives me time to read, to go over my stories and fine tune them and stuff like that. And having fine tuned stories is really important. I haven't really had time to think about the things that were bothering me before.

I was going to ask Heather though is maybe I culd hang out with her and Persephanie a little this summer when I get some money, just because something tells me I should get to know Persphanie better before the summer is over. I don't know why I get that feeling.

Oh something really cool happened last night, Tarin brought food to my work...but I need to go soon, gotta get ready.

My Fantasy

There is something different about the way we act after we've had a disturbing dream, or not really disturbing, but just anything unnerving. Last night I had a dirty dream about a friend that I don't want to think about like that? When its someone you see as higher above you, someone you could never see dating you. Why does it feel so bad? You know that its just a mindless fantasy, and that they would never do those kings of things with you.

Most of the time you know that even if you were with them, that they wouldn't be the kind of person you would see saying and doing those kinds of things. In the dream the person, let's just call her Emma, was saying all kinds of things that I don't even like to think now for reasons of my own sanity. But one of the things that she said was that she had always wanted it this way. And that she would squeeze me between her legs until I pop.

I really hate having these kinds of dreams, they always make me feel uncomfortable, and I don't even know if I will be able to look at this girl the same way again.

Adjustment

It has been far too long since I last typed one of these and I feel like there is something really wrong when I don't come back to one of the things that I have been doing the longest consistently on the internet, my blog. I make sure that I keep everyone udated as to what is going on in my life. And well right now things are turbulent, things are going every direction and I don't know what I can expect next.

I got a job working as a security guard at car dealerships and I sort of like it, I get to do a lot of thinking out there while I am walking around and looking for things, and it gives me an oppurtunity to keep the same whacky hours I have always have. Then there is the fact that I live with my brother now, which I think I mentioned before, that takes some getting used to.

Probably the best thing to come out of all of this is the fact that I have gotten closer to Heather because I have been able to sit and talk with her some more, I think more than most of the other people we used to hang out with I am begining to understand her better and that is always a good thing. Its odd how people I used to see all of the time, even on accident, like Landis and Brandon, I hardly see at all. And people I had trouble finding, like Heather, are easier to find now.

Another thing, I am off the medication now, which is great, I hated the stuff anyway, so I will be attending thearpy regularly from now on, like once a week. That's all I really have to say for right now, to all of those I haven't seen in a while, I miss you, and I hope to see you soon.

No One Wants it My Way

I don't know what to say about today except that I am really tired of being treated like a fucking child, realy bad stuff happened today, and my parents decided that I had to move back home. Like I said, I hate being home, even more so, I hate being treated as if I am some kind of kid. After finding all of this out I called Heather, because I figured that if anyone could cheer me up it was her.

Well she invied me to church, and normally I would decline, but I went. I went because I really felt like I needed something tonight that sitting around here wouldn't get me. I needed to just be near people, but I didn't want to admit it. So I went with Heather, and I actually enjoyed it, she was right. It wasn't that long and not boring at all, which is how most people think of Church, but I never find churcn boring. I ran into Greg while I was there.

Gerg and I planned to go to hang out afterwards and did, we went out and hung out until about 12:30 and, not that late. My brother told me to be back here by 2:00, so when I came in at one I figured I was more than fine.

I came in and sat down here, I was planning on doing some writing after messing around on the net a bit, then my brother calls and gets onto me about how I had to get up early. Why the hell should I have to, I don't want to get up early, not only that, there is not a reason to. Then he goes on to tell me that I should be off the computer by 2:00.

Yeah I'm not a little fucking kid, I can judge when I am tired and need to get to bed. And one a night where I slept until noon, I think I can manage to stay up later. Especially when there's not shit to do later today. He talks to me longer and tells me fuck me and my reasons for not wanting to get up. My reason is that my old roommate works and will not be up at eight in the morning when my brother wants to go over there. There is no reason for this, I have most of the day to get that stuff and I don't need help.

My brother asked me what I accomplished today and I told him I was just drawing most of the day, what am I supposed to accomplish, I'm not in school, no one gave me shit to do, why do I have to keep busy with what he thinks is work all day? I mean I might feel like I am uselss, but I'm twenty and I don't need someone constantly bossing me around, especially when there is nothing to boss me around about.

I know Heather and some other people want me to stay here, I want to stay too, but I can't if everyone is going to treat me like this just for going against what they think is right. What they think is not right isn't right for me, I feel like I belong here in San Antonio, and there's no reason I can't get a job and live on my own.

But no one believes enough in me for that, not even me.

A Theraputic Chain Of Events

Give me a break, I'm pretty much an asshole most of the time, I hate so many different things that it makes it hard for me to hang out with a lot of different types of people. I'm pretty much a pessimist, I see the dark side of things, I see the world for what it is, the world is not beautiful most of the time, the world is ugly, its spiteful and people are more often times driven by hate than driven by love.

Yeah so with all of that having been said when I meet someone who is like me, who likes most of the things I like, I see it as a good reason to maybe at least see if we can be friends. If this person is a girl then I wonder if I can take it even further. I talked with someone about how you go through your head and think of all the friends you have that you would date.

When I do several people come to mind, although I something wonder about them and what they are like below the surface. I'm starting to think that all of this, everything that happening for everyone, it's not an accident, its a theraputic chain of events to prepare us for the rest of it out there. There are lessons that we all need to learn and things that we need to go through. True, some of us have it easier than others. Some of us pretty much get it right on the first try and they are the lucky ones, they're blessed.

Others of us have to really work at things and try harder and we have to really try to get what is needed. Things are going to be hard, and I am sure that they're going to get harder maybe. I guess there's just a lot of fighting left to do.

nothing

When I can't sleep and its too much to stay awake all throguh the night, I'm so bad off that my body hurts from restless nights and the nightmares haven't stopped for almost a month now. At first I would ignore them, now they're driving me insane. When I went to bed this morning I had been up for over forty hours, now I'm awake again. Still so tired my body hurts but I'm scared to go back to sleep.

Why do I try to trust ot look out for anyone? No one cares about you or anyone else other than their own involvement in you. No one, and just when I get hope that maybe something is about to turn around, maybe the dreams will stop and maybe some of this will start to make sense, I find out, that it already does make sense, it always does, you've just been used.

That's all I ever get. That's all I'll ever get, I'm the one who gets walked on. I keep waiting for the good news and the meaning behind all of this, but there isn't one. And there never will be. The meaning was what I said it was weeks ago; that hope, trust and love and all of the other shit people tell you are so important aren't reasonable to have and don't exist.

Dreams are like pictures that should refelct our hopes and what's in our souls now? Well all mine are nightmares and they just get worse and harder to ignore. There's really nothing left to do.

This Thread is Locked By the Mod

I've got work to do and in the back of my mind there is so much going on. I'd hate to say that as I sit here and write this I can barely keep a handle on what I am doing, something seems to be missing. Something so important seems to be missing. How am I supposed to know what's going on when I can't even figure out what I need?

Things have been less than favorable around here for me, aside from getting yelled at by parents and being treated like I am doing something wrong when there really isn't anything that I am doing. It hurts to know that you're not trusted at all, and it hurts even more to know that you can be cast aside. I don't think I have ever been important to the people I felt were most important to me. Maybe that's why I hate myself so much, because the people I hold in highest regard don't like me either. What do you call that?

Maybe I'll get lucky and some friend will step up and stick with me, maybe I'll meet someone that I can really just trust to be there for me, but until then. I have to learn to keep everyone out, lock everyone out and stay safe, and that's hard to do.

Our Own TNT Movie

What do I say about last night? I guess the first thing that I could say is that for the first time in a long time I can say I didn't have my mind on some problem or another. Well except staying alive, but I think I cared about that more for the sake of the other people with me more than I did for myself. I guess I don't really put much stock in life anymore.

To start this whole thing out, I have to say that I was hanging out with Brandon and this one dude Jason in the kitchen at Chisolm. Jason pipes up that he will buy me food if I drive him to Whataburger. I'm hungery and no mood to turn him down. Well right after proclaiming I would do it, we realize there's a lightening storm outside. But thinking nothing of it we play a little bit more of the game we're playing and then get up to go out. Well by the time we get to the door its hailing, the sky is kicking off a fourth of July party all its on and the sound of thunder is reverberating everywhere.

I tell them we have better chances of getting my keys if we go to the Activety center of Chisolm. I've drawn a map of what the area would look like. Basically, we left the big blue building and went to the green building, then we went from the green building to the red building, when we got the keys and dried off some, we decided that we needed to go back to the AC. We retraced the path back over there, using the mail room as cover from hail.

When we got back over there, it seemed like we couldn't get any wetter, I had to actually ring my shirt out over the sink in the AC bathroom, Jason had the same idea I had. When we first got in there we almost gave up on the idea of warm tasty burgers, then we realized that we were too hungry to stop, we had to go. Dave just happened to be wandering around in the AC and I told him to watch some of my wet stuff from my pockets that I didn't want getting worse.

He told me it would be fine and before we left Brandon made some comment about how Dave couldn't be the only one who stayed behind when they made a TNT movie about us. So Dave deicded to venture out. Also in the AC was Amanda, she seemed pretty scared by the whole idea of us going out into the storm, but she offered to come along for the ride too.

We realized that there was a whole new problem, I didn't know where the car was, so I got the idea to give Dave my key remote, and take the key itself with me. We would go to both parking lots and the first one to find the car, calls the other and they meet up and pick up the rest. So I ran out and the water is ankle deep outside of the door, I make it to the lot while getting soaked and find the car, pick up the others and we leave.

Immediately it becomes clear that Whataburgers power has gone out, so I cut across under the over pass and head up the road toward the next nearest location. Everyone in the car comments about how they can't see lights on the horizon and we're worried we might not be able to find a place to stop if we get there. The water even on the freeway is deep and its still coming down hard. Suddenly a car passes by going way too fast and splashes me hard with water. I can't see for a good long while and I slow to let it run off.

We finally reach Bandera road, it takes about ten mintues to do what would have normally taken a third of that time. Since the rain shows no sign of slowing we decide to pull into the gas station, but so did everyone else and there's no room. The lights were on and I looked around for another sound structure, the only thing I can find is the automated car wash, so I pull in there and we say for about twenty minutes, I found some paper towels in the back and we dried off some, sat around and talked, walked around outside of the car. Amanda made some phone calls. After that the rain pretty much calmed, the Whataburger on this side of town had lost power too, so we just settled for Jack in the Box and headed back to the school.

Despite the danger in all of this, it was fun, and I don't think I'd hesitate to do it again.

Chance of Change

It would seem that the healing process would be starting to affect me now, I'm turning into the same bitter person I was before, with as little regard for others as I had back then. And don't worry, I'm not selfish, I could care less about myself at the same time. I was blatantly rude to people today and it seems like with that things are getting back to normal. How come my life plays like a season of Scrubs and everything just gets really tense right there around sweeps?

It would seem that regardless of how useless, stupid, and ugly I am I do have friends. Which boggles the mind, it makes me just sit back and thing, wow, maybe I can do this. I think that the really change happened when I was sitting there the other day just staring at my computer messing with a picture and I felt like a change would be coming soon, like something big was going to happen, but for the first time in a good way. And since so much bad shit has gotten shoveled on me I would say that its about time.

Me, I'm not really a destructive person, I'm not even really all that bad, I mean while I was rude to some today I sat in the roost (which is this place where people play games) and I talked to a guy who I had previously not liked, actually two people. And before anyone says I'm a hypocrit for going in there, I have to say that I only went because class was canceled and I wanted to wait for Tarin to leave her class and I was working on a picture most of the time I was there.

I also did a kick ass picture of a friend Jen, I really think she's a cool girl, she's one of the funniest, even if I spend most time annoying her. Hmm, tonight, was long, I am tired and I had a little too much action today and not enough sleep, I leave you with this.

Bitch

Ruined. I talked to Sandra about mabye making this work, and the whole time in the back of my mind I couldn't get one thought to go away. I kept think about what I was told the other night. It pissed me off so bad that I didn't even want to tell Sandra for fear we might end up like that. Sandra is a good person, she has a good spirit and she doesn't mean harm ever. But the kind of person that would use me, lie to me, and then lie about me afterwards, get rid of me and just slander my name all of the time. That's what Allison was.

And to think Brandon told me I needed closure with her, I needed to talk to her and let her know what she did was wrong. I've never thought I would say this, but fuck closure. Closure is what I had with Sandra, she's reasonable, she didn't run off and tell all manner of things about how I did something to her that never even happened.

For almost a year and half I thought I had a best fucking friend here at the school, I talked to her, I confided in her and then come to find out none of that mattered. I start hearing rumors and shit from two different directions about how I was stalking Allison, yeah it was really stalking when you ask me if you can sleep in my bed, and I willingly give it up and take the floor because you were scared. Its stalking when you want me to buy plane tickets for you to go see someone, so I help you do it, help you get all the stuff to go to the airport and suddenly you don't want to go.

Fuck what Brandon said, if I never speak to her again it will be too fucking soon, I took her off my facebook, my phone, and I wish I could just take her from my memories. I hate two faced hypocritical people like that. She said there and lied and said she loved me, she doesn't even know the meaning of that word. Love is dedication, its caring, its not getting mad when you probably should have long ago and most of all its sincere. Love doesn't make you tell malicious lies to make yourself always seem like the victim.

What the fuck did I ever do deserve this? I mean when her purse gets stolen, I buy her a new one to make her feel better, on top of tht the bracelet in the purse, I replaced it, then I take out to make her feel better, come over to check on her when she's sick, and that bitch tells her roommate I was stalking her? Tell me if that makes a lick of Goddamn sense!

I'm mad and upset all at one time, and I just know for a fact I never want to speak to her again.

Fear

There are things that need to be done, that need to be said, and I don't know when or where to do either. It's like you have a thousand different things swirling through your mind and all at once your asked to make them stop and make perfect sense. Fear as a powerful thing, and to say that you're never scared is stupid. Everyone gets scared, even heroes know when to have fear stricken into them, its how that effects you and I am afraid I have to say that I failed once more.

I failed to take the fear the way that I should have. I went to church and today the whole Mass was about nothing more than fear, about how we should give our fears to God and all of that. I'm not saying that I can do that all of a sudden, just willy nilly now, but I can say that I will deamn well try. It might take time but I want ot fix these things, I want to fix them for myself and for my furture.

Hopeless

Everyone is walking around trying to tell me things like I have no reason to feel bad, like things are just as good as they were before, the last week or the week before. I'm sorry to say it but you're wrong. Right now I feel like life is over because everything I ever put any hope into falls apart for me.

I am done hoping, I am done trying to wist that things would go the way I want them to, because they don't. You can pray or be good all you want but it doesn't work that way. I'm living proof that you don't get what you put into something back. If you get anything back at all, consider yourself lucky.

I feel like in life it might just be in your best interest to quit while you can, just to get out. Hope is something that we were all taught was real and taught to believe in. Hope is only as real as stupid things like karma or luck. And I gave up on those things a long time ago.

This blog was about hope, I blieved that I had to be strong because someday I would meet someone that I would spend the rest of my life with and I could share this with them, I could have imporved and all of this would be a joke for us to laugh at. I also used this as my reason for trying to improve, I wanted to be ready for when that happened. Now I know that's not going to happen.

I need to let go of hope because holding onto something false never helped anyone. We're even told not to hold onto false hope well I am here to say, all hope is false.

That makes the entire last year and a half of writing in this thing false.

Letdown

Worry is a type of sustenance, when you worry you don't want to eat. You always feel full, you always feel awake. It keeps you going in a way that other emotions can't. I'd hate to say it but so much pisses me off right now. So many people have just been lying to me for way too long. I can't even stand to hear the words try your best, how the fuck will you know I am trying my best. I try my best so often and it just gets thrown back in my fucking face.

This used to be a place where I wrote down my hopes and dreams, back when I had hope, but I don't have the energy for life anymore, I'm not strong enough to just handle all of this and move on. I see how lucky others are, how good they have it and when they're ready to throw it away I want to hit them. Someone wants to throw away a relationship for a goddamn game, I would get rid of every game I have and never buy another for a sure thing.

Fuck the fact that games are occasionally fun, its not like they are important, and its not like they're even important enough for me to have to tell someone this. Fuck what anyone thinks, and comparing them to sports, they aren't important either so you're just calling the kettle black.

All the drama around here, and all of the shit happening in my life, all of the things I was hoping to do, everything I hoped would last me gets denied. My doctor used to ask why I was depressed, this is why, no one cares, no one around here really wants to know what anyone else is going through except so they can blab it to every other damn person they come across.

Shit around here gets blown out of proportion, taken to lightly or ignored all together. I don't want to be part of it anymore. I hate it, I really do. I hate it here, and I hate it at home. There's nowhere left for me. I really used to genuinely love it here, but those feelings got smashed. I used to love meeting new people here. I hate all of those things now because new people mean new oppurtunities to get let down, and everyone around here gets around to letting you down, it just takes some longer.

My Overkill

A lot has come up about some things and its making me nervous. It seems like a lot of things might change after this year. It's like that whole thing with the first season of Scrubs, so much changed at the end of that season that it almost drove them all apart. I don't want that to happen to me and my friends and the people I care about.

So much of the stuff that scares me could happen so soon and it could mean nothing at all when it does, but the person that is me doesn't like change. And I know that's a bad thing, because everything changes. But I consider myself so lucky to have things the way that they are now. I am happy with life for what it is worth, and yes, there are things that could be better, but there is no perfection in life.

Life has to be a little flawed, otherwise what's the point in living. In the ideal world what would you stand to gain if you started out with everything that you could possibly want. I think its when you fight for something that you actually achieve a new level of humanity. I think that there is something to be gained for standing up what for what you believe in I haven't done that very often but I want to do that now.

I see so much going on around me here, and I see how some people just have so much going for themselves and they throw it away when they don't even know what the full benefit of what they have could be. I don't want to be that person, I want to make sure whatever I have to be proud of and make sure I nurture it properly.

Communication break down can cause a lot of problems in any relationship whether it be romantic or whether it be friends, parents, or any of the other people that you speak with from time to time. It makes me angry to know some things that I never got around until finding out the other day. This guy here at the school. He is so incredible, I love talking to him. He must be one of the coolest people I have met. He told me that when he first heard about me it was people bitching about how much of an ass I am because of jokes I made.

Who here has ever known me to go out and want to harm retards or blatantly attack others without reason? No one has, because when I make jokes I am just joking. I joke about racism, I joke about how black people are worthless, I am mostly black. What happened in this world where simple jokes turn into controversy? Maybe I just overkilled it.

The Little Annoyances

There is so much going on right here right now, I am well more than ready to have a break from school. School can be a tiring thing, it can drain a person in more way than one. I talked to Shirin about how the people around here act, about how I am tired of talking to one person and getting someone butting in on my conversation. I mean I really try to keep to myself when I can, not bother people when I over hear them, even if I can help them by giving them some info.

It's not socially acceptable to butt in, for the most part. There are the acceptions to this rule, but I think that they happen far less than we would like for them too. In a little while I have to go up to the campus and hit up the library for a book so that I can finish writing this paper. I had all of the work done except for a damn work cited. When I asked the teacher for a little extra time, he told me yes, but some asshole in the background piped up and yelled Who's fault is that?

For God's sake mind your fucking business, I didn't talk to you, I didn't ask for your input, because if I cared I'd kill myself, your not anybody, you're not even in our class. And when you have to start a phrase with the words Not to be offensive you know already that you are in fact about to offend someone and you are just trying to protect your ass.

In other miraculous news Neemo and I agreed twice today, both times on someone else being annoying, I am proud of him. He might learn what the word asshole means yet.

Now, I really don't have much else to say, there are some pictures here that I would like to post: only those on blogger will get to see them though.

Worry

All I can say is that I need to work on some things heavily, I need to sit down and have a long talk with some people. I need that a lot and I think that some of the things I might say might worry some a lot. I have a lot to think about though and I have been doing a lot of thinking. Life is hard work, and I need to think about the next step I have to take and look at things more seriously. It's sad to say I'm hurt inside and I don't know why.

Gone

Stories to tell? I should have some more after this weekend. I'm going back to Houston, because I have some one I really want to see. This place is starting to wear on me, it sickens me. I am tired of seeing some of these people, I am tired of being in some of these situations. I'm tired of a lot that goes on here. This is the kind of place that wears on your senses, it breaks you down to you refuse to care. You refuse to do the things you should.

Why do I know all of this, well unlike most, I have been here since June, yeah I hardly went home for summer. There were lots of people that I neglected to see over the last year, what pisses me off most about it is that I feel like its my fault. I mean I try to see them, I call, I really do and when I am in town they ignore me.

They basically tell me that they are too busy. And whatever, I don't care that much, not like I used to. I get the same thing here, I get told we're going to meet here at this time and then I get stood up.

But again, whatever. I don't have the time to worry about it.

"Student Infatuations Become Waste of Time!" or "Time Not Wasted?"

This is a news paper article that was written by a guy I knew in high school, it was published in the school newspaper where he attended. When I saw it I thought that there was something seriously wrong, so I wrote my own counter action which will follow immediately after this.

Student Infatuations Become Waste of Time
By Boze Herrington

Aside from the drug problem, the sex problem, the groping problem, the poor taste in music problem, and the foul and grammatically improbable language problem, students at our school have another problem. This problem may not have reached the pandemic proportions of the sex and drug problems, but it is widespread, and it will only continue if the youth of Alvin don't get their act together.

The problem is that, at the age we are, way too many students have developed young love. This is a silly and meaningless outrage and it cannot go on.

I am not being sarcastic or satirical. I am dead serious. You have fallen into the pit of false compassion, the snare of so-called love. Although very few people realize this ("liking" people is the "cool thing" to "do"), this sorry state brings with it a multitude of heinous difficulties and distractions.

But, before we get into that, where do you think you even got the idea of "liking" in the first place? The same place most ideas seem to come from, the magical land of Hollywood. An old poem goes like this:

Think of all the people who would not be in love

If they had never heard it spoken of.

What drives you to want a boyfriend or girlfriend? Where do you get that fire in your heart that keeps you continuously unsatisfied with just being really good friends (which is, by the way, the best way)? Hollywood and the media, the powerful force behind most of the dissatisfaction you'll have in life. For example, why do you think corporations pay millions of dollars a minute to play you a little commercial during your favorite show? Because they want you to be constantly dissatisfied with what you have so you'll go out and buy more. The whole industry is built on want.

Physics teacher and storyteller Ralph Kryder concurs: Boredom is a word that Hollywood invented to keep you dissatisfied, he says. And he is right, by the way. In the words of Henry David Thoreau, a man can never be bored as long as he has his own mind.

So you would never have known about having a boyfriend or girlfriend if your TV-saturated friends and favorite shows hadn't left you never thinking of an alternative. You have to have your honey, don't you? But all the time, you little realize that you have simply fallen into a big corporate trap.

So now that you know the truth, why not live in the light? A growing number of students have completely renounced liking or going out. For example, sophomore Corey Pauley remarks, I'm so glad I don't like anyone anymore. I have so much more time, and money, to do whatever I want to do, like study and type up notes.

We set ourselves up for future heartbreaks by putting to much trust in the opposite sex, wrote Corey's former girlfriend, Melody Selby. We believe in and dwell on the sweet words they say, neglecting to realize that their promises die along with the relationship, while loosing a best friend along the way.

When Corey and Melody started going out, I thought to myself, I wonder how much money, time and knowledge he will waste on her? Nine months later, it turned out he had wasted more money than Boze has seen in his entire life. It's stupid, pointless and expensive. I hope it doesn't happen to me, said Eric Booth, Corey's close friend. I was just looking out for his interests.

Youthful infatuations take all your time. If you wonder why you're not in the top ten, it's probably because you slacked off and liked someone. For example, I am not in the top ten. Among other things, like a lack of discipline and a certain stupidity when it comes to math or science, this is because I have liked two and a half people. If I ever have any reason to doubt why I am eighty one instead of one, I have Mr. Math Teacher and two and a half Pretty Girls to thank. But of course in the end it's all my fault, for not studying hard enough and liking girls.

At a time when you should be using all your mental energies to study hard, learn all you can, discover your talents and passions, and get into a good college, you have assumed that every day of your life will be just like this one. Well, it won't be. Someday you'll wake up and your baby'll be gone, but there'll be another baby to take his (or her) place, and you'll realize it's not high school anymore. It never can be. College, or a job at the convenience store, cometh. But Alvin High School fades away. Don't fall into the crush at 14, baby at 16, marriage at 18, slow death from then on trap. The chances are that of all the people you now know, you will only talk to two or three ten years along the road from now. All that will matter from this time is what you learned and what you did with it.

So liking people is a waste of time.

You can't see the world when you've got your eyes on the face of one person. Your whole life lies before you, with so much to explore and think and dream and do. Open your eyes and see the beauty in the world and the loveliness of each individual person. Would you confine yourself before your time? You've created your own prison.

Don't fall into the trap. Forget about your boyfriend. Come forward, away from there, and fall in love with life this day.

Now here is my article that I wrote in response.

Time Not Wasted
By Justin Caynon

Drugs, sex and rock and roll, eh? Let's blame the hippies and the communist while we're at it, why don't we. I can't say that I can buy into all that this article says, because it in fact has a lot to do with something that sounds to me like almost a conspiracy theory about the media wanting us to "buy into" love. Real love is not a thing that you can buy, or that can be forced on you.

Love is not what I would call a feeling although it is often categorized as one. Feelings are triggered by something, when we lose a close friend, we might feel sad. If we have a child, we might feel joy. But love is something different altogether. When someone hugs me I don't just suddenly love them right then and then it's gone. We choose to love someone, whether we like to admit it or not.

We choose who we love based on many things, but the keyword is choose. There is no "love at first sight", because we have to get to know that person before we can actually love them.

Humans are creatures of companionship, relations between students are not a pandemic that must be stopped like the Black Death in the Middle Ages. People are going to like other people no matter what anyone thinks or says. The media can't have had the effect of creating this human need for companionship.

The idea that these admirations of the opposite sex arise because of provocation by the media and Hollywood is a preposterous one, Carlen Shoemaker a high school student says, I just don't believe that the media, or anyone or anything else, for that matter, could make me think I love someone. Love isn't something you learn, it's an instinct you have from the time you're born. You don't learn to love your family, you just do, so why should it be any different when you feel that way for someone of the opposite sex who isn't part of your family?

The idea of love being a waste of time is equally preposterous. Loving someone else cannot be a waste of time, because anything that shows charity and kindness towards another human being is not a waste of time.

Another high school student Jessica Richardson has this to say on the issue, Liking people is a waste of time? Not in my life or many other's. Sure, high school love probably won't go far but it's the experience that counts. Many people don't get to experience having a boyfriend or girlfriend, or feeling that 'young love'. Many of those people turn lonely, and fall into a depression. Therefore, their grades slip and they spend their time locked up in their room contemplating suicide because they think that not one likes them.

Even here we have the idea that being all alone can cause way more angst than being with someone else. Just liking someone without dating them can sometimes make you feel better than trying to avoid them all together. But even if you are just "good friends" there will always be that question in the back of your mind, What if?

And that question can cause its own host of problems and even lower some grades as Jessica said.

The idea of liking someone being the cool thing to do is, to me, not always the case. While there are people who will go out just to get this image that we're beautiful and together there are those out there, who couldn't care less about what the world thinks of who they are dating or like. And I defiantly don't see how someone can call money spent on another person who is special to you money wasted.

Money is just an object, something that is passed from one person to the next, and something that people put far too much trust in. The value of money rises and falls from time to time, the value of a human and someone by your side never changes.

You can't put a dollar value on the things shared between you and another person. You can't put a price sticker on the beauty you see when you look into that other person's eyes. And out of all the things you can find in nature, I would rather feel that. All relationships do not lead to ultimately sex. And a relationship seeking that kind of selfish gratification is almost always started the count down on it's own doomsday clock.

No relationship is free of sacrifice, because that's what boyfriend/girlfriend relationships are, a sacrifice of one's needs to help another person. When you tell someone you like them you leave yourself emotionally open, you weaken the defenses that humans put up to pain and hurt out.

But in truth without pain and hurt every once and a while, we aren't really living life. And high school is a time for us to test the waters of relationships and see what works for us. It's a time for us to learn not just academically, but emotionally. Within four years we might be in college, and it is not a good thing to go out into the world with a fetal idea of what being involved in a relationship is.

I will admit, love can hurt, it can hurt like hell and leave scars for a lifetime. But it can also heal other scars and give us some of the greatest feelings in the world. Maybe the words boyfriend and girlfriend wouldn't exist if not for the media, but the idea still would. It's in our nature to come to care about those that we are close to. And to care even more about certain people who we share some common link with. A common bond is what makes us human, after all.

The young love we experience now helps us to mature and grow as humans. It helps us to understand the opposite sex and form bonds with them. Any relationship takes time and effort, just like school work does. The important thing is to balance the two, you must bring order to the chaos of life and find an equilibrium that allows time for both.

Don't blame someone you like just because you spent time with them and things didn't work out just how you thought they should. Cherish the time with them, or the time that you spent with them rather. Failure is part of life, but its when we give up that we truly lose out. By giving up on young love you've given up on a critical part of development.

Liking people is not a waste of time, it's a part of life.

Maybe you can't see all of the beauty of the world when your concentrating on the person you like, but maybe you don't need to. Maybe you can see all of that beauty in their eyes, even if for a brief time. Chances are we won't talk to all the people we know now in ten years. But those three or four we still talk to might be the best friends we have out of them all, and one of those three or four be that special someone we want to spend the rest of our life with.

That's it, I wrote this a few years back and so did the other person, I'm sure that his views have adjusted by now. But I will write a little more on this subject in another blog since this one is already too long.

Slow Motion

There are a whole array of sensations that can be changed by just the way things are going around you. I got news today that I won't be able to room with Brandon next semester, which is something that I was really hoping for. I could already see that he and I would get along well and that there wouldn't be many if any problem with it. The reason my parents gave? Well they want me to stay here in Chapp, not that it matters. But if I can I might as well stay in the same freaking room now.

I mean I guess I can make some sense of it, if I have to rent fruniture, pay utilities and all of that other stuff maybe the idea wasn't that good, but it was something that I really looked forward to. I don't have much to look foward to here at the school, but I guess whatever right. I mean I didn't really expect them to do something that I wanted to do, right?

I am looking forward to this weekend, I get to see Sandra, which is something I am really looking foward to, today is Tuesday, could this week move any slower!

There's Not Enough Of That To Go Around

Have you ever hung out with someone just for a while, and you suddenly start to think that maybe there could be a really good friendship there, only to have those hopes dashed? I felt really bad the other day because I got the idea that when we finished the first few manga that I wouldn't get to see Vanessa again.

It made me feel bad because I really enjoyed hanging out with her, she was a lot of fun, had a good sense of humor and was someone I could count on to not talk about me behind my back or try and take advantage of me. I don't have enough of that around here, I really should get more people like that to come around.

Well I talked to her about it and she said we would still hang out so I am satisfied enough. I know I might not be able to see her over the summer, but there is always the phone, right?

This weekend was culminized by phone calls from further away, long talks and soft giggles. I love talking to Sandra on the phone, I really do. I love it, but not nearly as much as I love going to see her, In four days I'll be right there, seeing her. Its all that I can do, right? But there is so much to do until then. Thursday is too far away.

There is a long day ahead of me tomorrow. I have writing and reading to do, and I will get it done. I will have something to show for this year.

Imagined Burden

At times you can have something that you absolutely wish that you could tell a person, something that makes you so nervous and and uneasy. It's something that you are so afraid to talk about that you might actually try to hide it from the person, you might try to push it deep down and bury it. But that's not the way to do things.

When you bury something that is bothering you inside, you force yourself to act weighted down around that other person. You may not even want to, but you act and seem different to them. It makes it hard to hold converstation. Funny thing another friend and I were both weighted down by something that we wanted to say to other very special people. But when we finally broke it to them they didn't hate us or any of that and everything feels much better now.

Well I have a lot to do, so I have to cut this short.

Inhuman

A friend off Deviant Art, Raine had her site hacked and the people who did it tried to prove to everyone that this great Christian person was a slut and a terrible person who hated them. Well she's taken legal action on them and I would like for you all to pray for her, and pray that the people that did this are brought to justice.

You can read what she says about it here.

Black Issue

You sit in a classroom with hmphs at every mention of any wrongs done to blacks. It's the same sound you hear in hot, deep south black Baptist churchs on a sweltering Sunday afternoon. It must feel like revenge to those that do it, or what they think is revenge. Revenge for what? Well the class has more white students than blacks, even though this is a black Civil Rights class. But the whites have just as much right to be there as anyone. The blacks act as if its their right to rub something in the white's faces. Even though the class deals with a lot of race relations, the blacks there seem to have a hard time sperating the whites in the class from the whites that did bad things. I know where it comes from many times the black families will tell their children how bad they had it. I'm certain that almost no white famlies went around bragging about how they had it in the old days. Most of the whites in there probably have no idea how bad blacks had it way back when and that's not their fault, lets face it, when a country wants not to show the wrongs it has done in the past, all it must do is not talk about them.

People forget that our generations get further and further from the old ways with time. And for those black students in the class who feel like they get something hearing a black man stand in front of the class and talk about their ancestors plight. I mean, we all have a plight, or have had a plight at one point in time or another, but if we walked around scoffing at each other, it wouldn't help us progress.

I can't sit there like the rest of them and make sounds and illustrate my anger. When I hear these things that happen it makes me no more angry than it does when I hear the Japanese bombed Pearl Harbor. I mean I watch shows and play games that fund things in Japan every day, I don't harbor any anger to those people. I look at how I am, I look at how I think. There are so many blacks in here who think of themselves as black before American, black bfore their religion. I onceasked a woman in my class if she would choose to be a white woman, and keep her gender or be a black man and keep her race. I fully expected her her to choose one of those two things, instead, she told me she would rather be dead than white.

People out there who want all of the liberties of America, but care more about getting Michael Jackson or Robert Kelly off than they do about what happened on September eleventh or what is happening in the Sudan now. These people aren't concerned with America or anyone else expcept Black America.

I mean look at it this way, in Houston, Texas, my home town, we had a black mayor, now the black community rallied behind him for two terms despite the fact that he wouldn't do a thing for them. Some black politicians have learned that they don't even have to be right or campaign for the black vote, they just get it, simply on the fact that they are black. Why is it that the black community feel this need to go up and see someone who doesn't care about them win?

Why is it that whenever two candidates run, one black, one white, the white one can say everything that he wants for the good of America, for all people, but the blacks seem to only care about themselves. Why can't they just think of themsleves as Americans?

That's all I have to say for now.

Myspace Culture, Anime Imitates Life, And Easter Weekend

_{Alright, I am breaking this blog up into sections by what I am talking about in them.}

Myspace Culture

I was looking over a friend's survey that they posted on Myspace and one of the questions was do you like having your hair pulled? And of course like the person who had filled out the survey, it was a girl, had put yeah, in the right situation. It's obvious what the situation is...

I guess I have known about this for a pretty long time, I just didn't think about it. I really think that these surveies get a little too persoanl, and I guess it is fine if your like me and you have done absolutely nothing, but some people proudly wear the terrible things they have done as if these are things they should take pride in.

Do you think it makes you any better if you sleep with two girls at the same time? or even vice versa. I'm not saying that answering the question truthfully is the problem. I know that there are some people out there who don't know any better. And the girl who's profile I read that on, yeah it wasn't a big deal because she was being truthful and not doing anyone else any harm. But then...here goes the big one. I see people who actually think it is cool that they have cheated on someone or things like that.

What makes you think that you are so good that you can cheat? I don't understand where people get off with this shit, I sometimes think, this is why the world is so fucked up. Its not because the world is fucked from the start, its because people make it that way. I mean they don't even try to make things right. They don't try, they just want things to fall in place for them, they want to hold hands and sing a song about it and have it all be alright. That's not how it works at all.

I think that myspace is a good website, but like most good ideas it gets twisted. I remember when I first got to myspace I hardly ever saw a bulletin that was a survey or anything like that. I think that most of the time people would just announce when something good or bad happened to them. And the whole thing with the photos, the way that so many people take certain kind of photos, the way that so many people confrom to the way that things on myspace are supposed to be.

Realistically we see things on here that people would never do in real life, which is one of the problems and points of the internet. While you can do things on here that you could never do in real life, like talk to people across the world for basically free. But at the same time you can see how people would think that they could do whatever they want.

So often on myspace there are those people that leave lude comments about how they would like to Get all up in that ass or do other asinine things to others. I see it all of the time, picture comments that someone never even would want to read, ones that are all about sex. Now I am not going to go on a lecture about sex. But I have to say that basing what you want to do sexually on a picture alone is bullshit. You don't even know that person's personality. I could really go on like this for ever, but I will give it a break.

Anime Imitates Life

Brandon and I had a discussion about Naruto just in relation to things in real life. I guess that there was more there to talk about than can be said right here, because I don't want to go through all of that word for word. But the major point that we made was about this character, Gaara. The character when you first meet him is basically evil, he kills people and loves to see pain and hurt. But you later find out thats because as a child people saw him as monster, just because he was different, just because of things that he couldn't help. And as the story progresses you see that he is very much like the main character, Naruto.

Naruto was resented for the way he was too, but he didn't really hurt anyone, he just lashed out and craved attention. When he finally made friends his circle of friends never stopped expanding, he kept finding himself in the middle of more and more friends, until everyone believed in him. Switch it back to Gaara who grows into a bitter teen who no one cares for, even his brother and sister fear him. Well when the two meet Gaara wonders why Naruto is so eager to protect his friends, Naruto explains to him that these are his precious people, that because of them he has someone to protect.

Now Brandon I think was trying to use this point to say that if people don't cling to someone, then the person who is left alone will turn bitter. But I see this a different way, I see it as a way to say, don't be like Gaara, don't just turn you back on the world when it turns its back on you. Naruto had the need to be noticed, he wanted to be seen and respected by all because he wanted people to see that he was worth something.

We were talking about how Phil, a kid at the school here seems to want attention but he goes about getting it in a demeaning way, he belittles others who are actually trying to be nice to him and he lies and talks shit behind your back. I know that a lot of us catch Hell in life, I know what it is like to feel like no one will ever care to really get to know you. But then, I found people who did. I found a lot of them at that. And that makes me know that you can go another path, you can keep on being who you are despite the fact that the world tells you not to be that way.

I could have rushed off to the first party that came along and fucked some girls, had all of this liquor and gotten torn up and just been one of the guys in high school. But I didn't want to be that way, I wanted to wait until I found someone I was looking for, I wanted to wait until I found friends that I could really talk to on a level of interpersonal things, not just about what we had to drink or what drugs are fun to use. I might joke, but it doesn't mean I do it.

Interlude

Wow, I think I might go back and divide all of this blog up so that you guys don't have to look at it all, because I had a lot of shit to say here it looks like.

Easter Weekend

This might be thge shortest part of this blog yet, and yeah I know that's not saying much. It would appear that this weekend I will be unable to see Sandra, and that isn't really a big problem. I really wanted to see her but I know that a week will only make it better when I finally do. Its funny, I have been looking forward to it so much, but I found myself saying things I never thought I would when she told me that we couldn't see each other.

I don't know what it means, but you know how you play things in your head, just as kind of a thought, and you think how would I react and then when the situation finally arises you react the complete opposite way? That's what this felt like. I was sad, but I didn't get angry. I just offered a little compromise but if she can't do it I understand and we can adjust things as needed.

Maybe I am growing up, maybe I'm learning something.

My Precious People

I am starting to think Shirin is right, I don't quite understand it yet, but Sandra thinks I'm somehting special. And I don't even get it really. I don't think I ever have been anything special to anyone. I like it, I like someone who thinks of me in a good way and I like having someone just happy to hear from me. I feel like I've been useless before now, I mean I have wasted so much time on pointless ndeavors, things that meant nothing.

I wish I could say that I have done great things, I wish I could really say that with truth and mean it. But I haven't, I write, I draw, and I do both of those things alright. But I would like to think there are times where I have a power, not a power that you can see in strenght or anything, but a power to really help someone out who needs it deep down, not all of the time, but I have it when its need most, when it counts. Problem is I never have help myslef, I never have anyone there to make sure that me looking after others doesn't take its toll.

I think I have that sort of now, I have other people who care for me. And I care for them, its not just Sandra, there are others, and then there are those of you who have been there all along, PJ, John, you know who you are. I think that in a way stories can teach us so much, and in a story I am thinking of a certain main character tells a foe where his strneght comes from, it comes from the precious people I protect. As long as you have someone to look out for, someone who will look out for you in a pinch, it will be okay.

My parents called the other day and I told them about the trouble I was having here, and what I wanted to do, I told them how scared I was they told me that I will make it, many young people have the same problems I am having and I just need to do what I have to do, and I know inside what I have to do. Yeah I do, I really do and I have been afraid to admit it all along. I still don't think I'm quite so smart. But maybe I will be proven wrong. Maybe my old man is right and maybe no one here gives their 100%, but I know there are things in the future I want that would dictate I do give my all.

There are things that I want for myself, for my family that mean I will have to do the best. That's my Reason Why, I know the future is a scary thing, and its an unsure thing. None of us are promised tomorrow. None of us are promised the next second. But if we all thought and took that the wrong way, if we all figured that we might not be here instead of trying to see what we can prepare for. Shouldn't we also think that None of us were promised right now...and here we are.

That's My Limit

I don't like to think about the future a lot, I really think that growing up is something that is hard to do, being this person that everyone expects of you, its hard to make time for what you really think you should be. It makes me sad, it hurts on the inside when I think about the fact that I don't feel twenty. I don't feel like I am at the end of my youth and that I'm an adult. In my mind I am the same kid in Junior High who liked to make silly jokes with his friends, cursed far too much and just liked good company.

I'm in college, but I don't feel smart enough to be here, or even to be at the level I am at. People assure me that I am intelligent, but I don't see it. My mind feels like it has to struggle, its hard to pay attention and I don't know what to say besides the fact that I want to be here, I like to hear I am smart from others, but I don't feel it. In truth I don't know what to say I feel. There are so many confusing things, so many times that I think that I have an answer and that's when something else comes up. Something totally unexpected.

That's what happens in the back of my mind, that's what I feel when I look unsure or when I quiet down for a moment. People ask are you okay? Is this okay? I don't feel accepted or right, I don't feel like I belong and even when I had started to think I belonged in something, it soon showed itself not to be true.

So the point in all of this, I think that I've reached my limit. I sometimes feel like I have gone as far as I can go, what do you say to that, what do you say to a person who feels like this. I want to know not so I can shoot it down and tell the one who says it that its crap. But so that I can have some solace, some comfort and know that this is not as far as I can go. I know that just telling me I am smart isn't enough, I don't feel smart, I don't think I am smart. What else is there to say?

The Walk

So you guys know there's mnore out there than just, well this. Right I mean we have been told all of our lives that things change from time to time, people go through stages and tht's just how life is. I think that at this stage, at the stage of life that I'm in, nothing is really sure. Nothing is really going to be any way for certain.

To be honest things haven't been the same around here for a while, I have found that some of the people I once held in such a high regard have fallen to the point that I am no longer to even look at them the same way. When I say that I mean it in the most stirring way. I have friends that I once thought of as some of the nicest most righteous people, now...

What happened? Did I change what I thought was righteous, did they change in fact and the person I once saw them as is still somewhere buried inside or still some where out there? Or in truth were they never really that way at all, were they pretending? I don't know why I thought about all of this, but I did, I took a walk down to campus early this morning, and when I say early I mean it was about one thrity or two. I wanted to see what it was like to be out there, away from this place when others were in their beds. I wanted to see what came to my mind when I was left to ponder on things a while.

The more I reflect on things, the more that I began to think that there might be some merit to them. So long I have been subjected to people telling me that the things I have said aren't right or they aren't nice. That I shouldn't speak so about such and such person. I have bitten my tongue again and again and I really am tired. I am tried of looking at someone as a they are, speaking about what I see and having someone tell me that its not like that.

That person can help but be a dick, you don't have to act like that towards others. No matter how much you might have been hurt in the past, God I know that we have all been hurt in the past. But not everyone takes to compeltely hating others. And I can think of several people I know who have been hurt way more than others, that are really nice. A little too nice. The logic that someone being hurt in the past doesn't make total sense to me, and even if it did, its not an excuse to be mean to nice people.

I guess what I mean to say is, there's a lot that we all have to learn about each other, and a lot to learn from one another. Don't ruin it by letting past problems get in the way, people aren't the same as each other, if someone in the past hurt you for such and such, don't think every one you meet will do the same.

Now That's How A Man Should Be!

Right now I guess I should be feeling pretty, good, excited about going out with friends tomorrow and then excited about Easter. I just can't wait to go home and I can't wait to see Sandra. But there's something else I would like to do, something really important, I'd just like to meet her parents and say hi to them and stuff like that. Let them know I'm a good guy, because I really don't mean her any harm, that is the last thing I would want to come to her.

Will it be hard, I don't even know if she will be all for it yet. There are so many things I have never done in life, such as meet a girl's parents. I mean how would I have, I have never had the chance. The closest I have ever come is the time that I met my friend Megan's mother, she asked me all of these questions about how I was Catholic and all this stuff, they were Catholic too. I remember feeling so intimidated by all of it. But then her mom came to trust me, and let Megan hang out later when I was in a group with her. Just because I wouldn't let any of my friends down. Not my true friends.

The way I think about all of this, because I hope to have a daughter some day is that I feel like I want to treate any girl I date as I would expect any guy to treat my daugther. If my daughter says no or tells him to lay off, he should. If he thinks its cute to make dirty comments to my daughter or treat her like a piece of meat he is sorely mistaken. I want to tell her dad and mom this face to face, I want a chance to defend myself. Because I really don't think I am a normal guy, I sure as hell don't act like one.

And while I act like a sarcastic dick to many people, I never act that way with her, I don't think I could if I wanted to. I mean when I look at her, when I talk to her its like I'm talking to a Princess. Like I'm looking at royalty, I hope she remembers I said that. I want her to know that for sure, and I want her family to know it too.

Well, it is 1:30 in the morning and I am going to hit up the Wal-Mart, the middle of the day crowds make me sick. And besides, I need time to get out, clear my head and think about what else I need to say. I need to get it out. Oh and for the first time in my blog's history, don't expect to know everything that goes on with Sandra and I, I'm not the type to tell much of anything, I think its private. And no I don't mean like that, I just like to have something I share with someone else and only that person. Just the way I look at her sometimes, it needs to stay sacred between us. I know I said I would try not to keep things from my readers, but I'm not sorry that I have something I can share with someone and no you all.

Men too often brag about what they have done, men also too often forget they might have daughters too some day, I'm not saying I'm a real man yet, but I'm just saying that holding things sacred, considering the girl over himself, That's How A Man Should Be!

Pain

It feels like someone is beating me in the head constantly, why won't this go away!

The Weekend

So here it is the end of another weekend, the end of a very good weekend really. As planned we went to Houston on Friday night, I was kind of nervous that things would go wrong. I was actually nervous that nothing would go as planned. Only Brandon, Neemo and I were able to go and we had a lot of fun the ride down there. I really do like to talk to Neemo and Brandon, even though I get the idea that Neemo really doesn't know I don't hate him. I actually enjoy talking to him more than I do most people around here because he doesn't spit out the usual mindless babble.

I get tired of hearing the same things from people over and over. Talking to Neemo and Brandon is sort of refreshing. It gives me new opinions on the way things are and it gives me just a new look on things in general. Having company in the car like that makes the ride go alot faster.

I think when we got to Houston Friday night that no one had really expected the whole thing to feel like it was no time at all. SO when we got to town that night, we made a few stops, and in the end we got to playing Super Smash Brothers Melee. And since it was just me, Neemo and Brandon things were pretty fun. A little bit into the game I started talking to Sandra on the internet, needless to say I was pretty excited about getting to see her on Saturday.

After all of that we got to bed, I fell asleep on the floor watching FOX News Channel, in the morning when I woke up we all went to take care of some business, then we picked up Shirin and went to Olive Garden. We had a lot of fun there, I mean I really love the food at that place and its not too terribly expensive. I have to admit I didn't know what to do at first, but after like five minutes around Sandra I just felt more comfortable than before.

While we were there we even took a few silly little pictures, I think I tried to get one of everyone at least once, that's just my thing. After that we drove across town to the movie theater and saw Ice Age II, even though I hardly paid attention to the movie because I was either falling asleep or talking to Sandra; I can say that it was a really good movie.

I really can't go into much detail about what happened after the movie, I mean there wasn't much, more driving, and I had gotten Sandra a gift, a hat that she had worn the first time we hung out alone. She really liked the hat, and everyone says it looks good on her. We didn't get back to San Antonio until four in the morning, busy...I know.

But there was nothing but fun, I mean I think that I had way too much fun with the whole thing. But I do have a pictures here, wee.