Something of Value II

Today is one of those days that you really don’t to be what you expect it to be, it’s the kind of day that if you were to go back and write a book about you’re life you would need to include a lot of details about it.

This was probably a turning point for me, it was probably something that I should remember for a long time to come, so I don’t just slip back into old ways. That’s just what makes a day like today so special, there’s so many things occurring at once and without you knowing it you really make a breakthrough.

Has anyone ever got one of those bullshit emails that talks about how there’s like five people in the world that really care about you and dismissed it as just that, a crock of bullshit?

Well I found out that I really do have friends that care, and it made me feel a little better, even if it did make me worry that they were worried over me so much. But you know what, I’m getting so ahead of myself—let me go back to where this all started and try to keep it short before I go off on some outlandish tangent that makes absolutely no sense.

I woke up later than I had wanted to, I rolled out of the bed and headed to English, I basically spent the rest of the day stumbling through classes. The world seemed to pass by at a million miles per hour, and I seemed to miss it all. I don’t know why, I guess in my mind I’m so oblivious.

When I got to the dorm I spent the afternoon sitting in my chair with Angel playing in the background as I set out on a quest to move all of the entries from my old live journal over to my blogger account. I was proud when I finally got it done, I felt like I had done something great, there’s a pretty detailed account of the last seven or eight months for me now. I wish I had something from June.

I realized reading those how long ago all of that stuff seems, its like an eternity, its so far past. And yet I remember some of them like it was yesterday. I look over the words and they feel so familiar and wonderful and for a second I thought back to times when I was happier and wondered what changed between then and now?

What happened to me to change my outlook on the world? In my mind the sky isn’t quite as blue, the world’s just a little darker and things just seem a little worse off. Then something incredible happened, this day turned into one of those days that seemed so much better. I went to dinner, but it was just me, Brandon, Debra, Lauren, Alicia and Hannah. We laughed and talked—just like we had in September, all of the drama from the end of last semester seemed lost, I even went back to their place and hung out for a few hours.

Then I left, I was headed home and caught Rickey outside, he invited me in and Nicole and Brenton were inside and after playing around with Nerf guns a bit; Rickey informed me that Desiree and Jamie had come by asking about if I was feeling alright. My first suspicion was that they read one of the entries in this piece of shit…

I was wrong, apparently I’ve been acting so differently, more quiet and easily annoyed or something. I called Desiree to ask her about it, just like I told her that I would when anything came up. And she and I talked about it a bit. She called me back again later and we talked some more.

To tell the truth, I can’t really retell all of the details of the second conversation, there was a lot of us repeating ourselves and it seemed like I said the same phrases over and over. I hate to have people worry about me, of course then she pointed out how much I worry over her and some of my other friends, which I couldn’t deny because then I would just be lying, another thing I promised myself I would never do to her.

Then I did something I haven’t done in a while, I sat there and I told her that as long as she was happy I would be fine and that she should just make herself happy. Because that’s all that really matters. That’s how I feel really, I just like seeing her smile because that means a lot to me.

Needless to say, I was still at Rickey’s and I had to go in his room to talk to her. Probably the first time I had ever done that over there. I didn’t want any distractions and I didn’t want her to think I was not paying her attention. She had scared me with the first call by saying what she had to say could be taken the wrong way and could be a bad thing. It wasn’t bad at all, it was good if it was anything.

We were truthful with each other and I like the truth, I like knowing the truth and I like learning about her. I would also like to think we know where we both stand a little better, she knows I care about her now and I know she cares about me. But I did tell her that I like to figure things out alone, I like to work out things on my own. I don’t like too much outside help and that if I really have a problem I can’t handle, I will come to her or Rickey.

I trust her enough to tell her almost anything that I would tell anyone else, I say almost because there are some things pertaining to her (nothing bad) that I just don’t feel comfortable telling her. I’m not the most comfortable person in the world, so sue me. I’m getting better, I’m trying—I’m working on not being a pansy and having the courage to face up to everything while also keeping someone who’s a really good friend.

I was kind of upset that she and Jamie were so worried about me, but then I was proud to have found friends like them, and the fact that they knew to go to Rickey to ask him if anything was wrong. That was smart, but its not like I thought they were dumb, their both really smart and clever girls, probably more so than yours truly.

I feel bad for putting Des through this hell, like I’m actually doing more hurt than good by being around her. Sometimes I think she’d be better off if she didn’t have to put up with my shit. But then again, she must like having me around and she cares for me and her other friends, just like I care for my friends, which is something that’s hard to find in this world—and just like she said, we could all use someone to care for us from time to time.

Remember a few months back I wrote about something of value? Well I found it in the friends I have here.

Super Sunday

Did you guys miss the angry version of me? Well I’m sure I can muster up some for the likes of today’s post, even though today was one of the best days I’ve had in a while. Despite the fact that I have been generally nicer this week, people seem to take it as an open invite to mess with me? Don’t ask me why.

I am going to keep on being nice, that’s just my new way I guess. Not that I really mind this stuff right now. What’s really been on my mind is the fact that earlier tonight the abomination that was the Super Bowl came on.

In all its pointlessness, it probably stole the thunder of just about every other show that came on tonight, which is sad considering it was probably infinitely worse than half of them.

People flock to the Super Bowl and most of the time its all because of the commercials. Sad part is, what I saw of them today while I was sitting in the UC were not all that great. Desiree told me that there were some really good ones that were too controversial that got pulled, one of them had to do with the Janet Jackson incident.

I never did get what made that so bad, it was just a nipple—we all have them.

At least this day wasn’t a total waste, I was able to almost completely avoid having to hear about the Super Bowl and I got to finally watch Shaun of the Dead with Mandi. After that was over I went to Desiree’s and just sat with her and talked.

Other than that, the day was pretty uneventful.

What Friends Are For...

I don’t know what I’m going to do now, today seems almost like a waste, I sat around a lot. I just generally didn’t do anything, and I finally got out tonight to go to dinner and then I went to see Mandi. I really enjoy hanging out with Mandi, it’s refreshing to be around someone who is so cheerful, even when it seems she might not be happy. It makes me smile some.

Mandi has been a good friend and if she ever reads this, I want to thank her for that. Tonight we sat and talked and she really listened to me, I had a lot to say and she just sat and listened. I guess that’s why I’m so surprised by friends I have that are like Mandi, Desiree and Rickey, because they listen so well.

I really haven’t mentioned the last post to many people, it was depressing I know, but I haven’t been truthful about how I feel. Sometimes it seems to me like things aren’t even going right in other people’s hearts and minds, its like no matter how happy they think they are, they really aren’t truly happy.

I wonder if we even know what happy feels like sometimes, I mean I know I feel good sometimes, and sometimes I feel better than others. But how do we know this is what happy truly is, after all its just a word that we humans made up, but I think that there is something there that God meant for us to feel, something stronger than this, something even stronger than love.

Love can do a lot of things, people always say that it can move mountains, well we all know that’s not true—no one can just move mountains. But love can do a lot of things, love can do more than any other emotion, because it encompasses almost all emotions.

But what if happiness, true happiness is stronger than even love, what if true happiness can only be found by going through and above love? Isn’t that something worth striving for, even in a world that seems like it really might be Hell?

Needless to say, I’ve had too much time to myself, my brain has been running in overdrive for the past few days straight. I need to go to class Monday and just not think about any of this. I wonder if I should show this blog to Mandi, I showed it to Brandon, Rickey, Ruth and Desiree, I’d like my good friends to know what’s going on in my mind, I’d like them to see how I really think—I’d like them to know how I feel about them.

Alright, anyways I really want to get some stuff done in the normal tradition of the blog, but nothing happened today that really interested me. I talked to my parents some, I asked my dad to send me some more of the cards for me to take care of my school payment.

He and mom said that they would, I sure hope they hurry up and do it before my classes get dropped. I couldn’t stand to be away from this place, I like it here, even though I’ve had a lot of problems here.

The other day, it was brought to my attention that some of my friends might have been trying to avoid me, I really got all worried about it at first. They did things such as ignore me knocking on the door.

I realize now that I can’t do anything to make them like me, nor do I really want to. If they want to travel in a tight little group then I don’t really have any effect over it. I have enough problems without having to make more for myself by worrying over people who don’t like me.

That’s exactly what I learned when I was hanging around that Maddox Mania forum, those people really have no lives or realistic goals for the most parts. And all they really care about is bitching about stuff on the internet and making fun of others. They aren’t anyone I should be worried about so I don’t worry about them.

Besides I seem to be making new friends each day, I mean I can just think of how Alicia brought Debra around; Desiree brought Jamie and introduced her to us; and Mandi introduced me to her friends Jenny and Gabe. It all works out so that I meet new and exciting people, people that are actually willing to be my friends.

And while it may be true that our souls were made with an almost fatal flaw, that people can never really be as close to each other as they were meant to, we all still need to have friends. Friends are where our perception of us comes from, without friends who would there be to view you other than yourself? There’s a part of us that exists within everyone we know, that part is shaped by how they see us. How they see us and react in turn shapes how we act back and how we are perceived inside of ourselves.

So in reality, people are like mirrors, they show us for what we truly are through their reactions. How we act is usually just an outward expression of the inner-self, the prettiest people can act so ugly (and vice versa). We need friends to help us experience things and be there with us, so that when something shapes us it does so in a good way and its reflected off them and back onto us. That’s how this all has to play out.

Faulty Souls

I feel almost obligated to write in this thing, I feel like I have something to say, some kind of sin to confess. If asked whether or not I was a really good person right now I would have to say that I’m not.

I want to be better, I want to just be able to have someone ask me “What’s wrong,” and to be able to honestly answer, “Nothing” would be good. How do you get that life that I see some other people have?

How do we really get to be happy, is it all about finding that one special person that you can spend the rest of your life with and just working on making that whole thing work? Or is it kind of like Evangelion where no matter how close you get to someone there will never be a true bond with them until we’re all dead and gone to where ever we’re going to be?

Were we engineered like this, with some kind of hole in our souls to keep us longing for a closeness that can never be achieved here in life? Is this just a test to see who gets in and who’s out?

I can’t really say much, but I think I finally understand something, there’s a reason why people call this world Hell, its so lonely here. And all I can really think now is that anything must be better than this.

It makes me wonder is it this world, or are these souls faulty.

Okay, So I Guess They Can Visit....

I’ve laid down arms in the fighting on the message board, as you can probably tell by the fact that I haven’t gone mad already. A lot of things have happened since I last wrote a real entry in this thing. As you can probably tell, I have started something new that may make an appearance from time to time, they’re called random thoughts and I’ll post them when I have them and remember to post them, which probably won’t be too often.

Now on to things that have happened since the last time I jotted anything down in this mess of thoughts I call a blog. My parents came into town on this past Saturday…yeah I know what you’re thinking, disaster, right?

On the contrary, it was actually very fun, Brenton, Rickey and Desiree came with me and my parents to dinner. I was very happy with the way things turned out. Especially with Desiree, for my mom to like any girl that I hang out with is unheard of. But Desi seems to have a quality that most girls don’t she can play right to the occasion, most people don’t have that skill.

Rickey, my dad and I all had the one pound hamburgers, and that is more than most people would ever eat. It’s so easy to tell that America is all about excess when you can go into a place and eat more meat than some people see in a week. Ah, God bless the USA.

But on a serious note, I really have to say that I am proud to have friends like them, and not just them. I’ve come out with a sensible group of friends that I don’t have to worry about doing something dumb and getting me into trouble. They’re nice people that know when to act what way. I love my friends, I can honestly say that.

Yes I still love my friends at home, but its harder to bond with people here, I mean you’re around them every day, there’s no distribution of all of us to keep us from getting under each other’s skin. It’s harder to form and keep friendships here, I feel like I’m losing some friends already.

I’m partly scared for next year, Alicia, Debra and Mandi will be gone. I really don’t want Mandi to go, she’s just a really fun girl, we went to dinner tonight and it was a lot of fun. I got to really act just like I normally do and I was so much more comfortable than normal.

I think I finally found that happy medium in my personality. See that’s what the fight on the bulletin board was about, they were saying I was too nice so they kept flaming me for being a nice person. It bothered me at first, but then I realized that these people are angry little teens who think that cruelty to women will make them somehow cooler, they think that because they are nerdy and can’t make friends that are girls in real life, they should flame someone that can. Some of them might even think that their girlfriend has them under her control so they get on the net and abuse any girl on there just as a way to prove to their ego they’re still something.

Well only fifteen days until that dreaded holiday, Valentines day…maybe this year I will give it another try. I might get something for someone, even though I think the day is a gimmick. No matter what, getting something for someone you care about isn’t ever a waste or a gimmick. Just my take on things.

Real Quick there’s going to be a new link on the blog for all the people looking at the blogger version, its going to go to Brandon’s blog, he’s my roommate. Hmm, that seems to be that….

I’m out like the fat kid in dodge ball.

Random Thoughts....1

I think that I ccover my wall in so many posters because this place just doesn't feel like home. I've mentioned this fact earlier, that I feel like home so many other places-just not in my dorm.

My Penis is Bigger Than Your Post Count

I have to keep this one short, I want to show you guys what happens when you're an uneducated asshole trying to be hard over the internet....behold: The Flame!

Of course no stupidity would be right with out: The Response! I had to say something to this guy, he's atrocious really. I hate men like him, makes me one to become a unic or some shit, but I still want daughters (that was sarcasm).

But all of this doesn't matter, after all, what could you expect from a forum dedicated to Maddox, who is a really great guy who speaks his mind and has a point, "People should think for themselves" that's all he's really saying.

On forums like this one there's one thing going on for the most part, just like PJ said, "Everyone on the dick of the guy with the biggest post count!" I hate that shit and I think that anyone who just piles onto a bandwagon like that should be shot, thrown in a fire, put out, and then feasted on by pigs. Just like Usher.

I have a head on my shoulders and I can think for myself, and by thinking for myself I'm smart enough to know I need a girl to think for me, all men do because we are stupid. Get over yourself, God just gave us a penis because he had extra tissue left over from leaving out parts of the brain that girls have, the bigger the brain the more he took.

Alright on to other things, for those of you still standing around with you hand in your pants, get over to Penny Arcade and check out today's post, its terrific. Alright, on to business, I've decided to show Desiree this little thing, as part of our trusting each other thing. Because I've nothing to hide and be embarassed about.

So with that said and down, I think I need to also do something else, talk to Mandi, I'm starting to think that I might want to ask her out, she and I seem like we're on mostly the same level and it doesn't have to be anything serious. But I'd like to see what happens.

Today was bland, I had one class, drew in there. Then I went to Rickey's and hung out there. I watched Verses with Rickey, Brenton and CJ. It was totally bad ass, I loved it. The movie is so stylish and just all around cool. Lots of good fight scenes, anyone who likes Kung Fu, guns or Zombies, must see this!

Well tomorrow its off to see Mandi if she calls. I'm going to take her some soup I think since she's sick, not like soup ever did anything, but its a nice gesture. (like I said before, "When nothing we do matters, all that matters is what we do.)

I'm Out.

[EDIT: PJ, being the comedic gold mine that he is posted this. You have to read!]

Add/Drop

It seems that I can't add or drop any classes anymore, this totally sucks. I need to get into another class and fast. So what I am thinking is that I'll have to go up to one of the advisors later today and have a talk with them. God I hate how some of this stuff works. But it has to be done their way.

Oh, I had to edit and add this in, its the story that I've been working on for a while, its the one I mentioned as the new begining of my story.It's only like 11 pages, everyone should be so proud. I wrote something short!

The Story

The story is the one I mentioned last night and if anyone has never read my stuff this is as good a place as any to start.

Hump Day

Well my short story is coming to a close, this is the one where Rickey, Desiree, Allison and Megan take center light. Jillie is also introduced, so the fun continues with the new characters being added and some of the older ones being phased out. I really like the new direction of the story, I’m excited about the next story which I will try to start on ASAP.

As I was finishing the story up I decided that I should give Desiree some way to defend herself, everyone get ready because one of the most well known guns has now made its first appearance in the story, the Colt 45. But this isn’t just the normal, run of the mill Colt, this is the Model 1911, its very nice looking.

Look at that, who wouldn’t want that on their wall, its nice, and it even has that trademark barrel, sleek and beautiful—probably the best looking weapon I’ve seen ignored in a long time. Most Colts you see in movies have the barrel that extends down. But this is better.

I also just wanted to post this because it looks funny, this may look like a high powered rifle, but look close—there’s a pistol under all of that madness!

As for a recap on what the other weapons in the story are, not many of them are special, but there are two in particular—the Desert Eagle and the Sub Machine Gun Melanie carries.

There is the Desert Eagle, the gun carried by Agent Caynon in the stories, for ultimate ass kicking power accept no substitutes!

Melanie’s gun, she carries two of these because she just needs that extra kick, plus she’s killing vamps often. An honorable mention in all of this is the Socom, famous because of the Metal Gear games and its use in the army, it will be seen in future editions of the story.

With all of that done I need to get to how my day went, and fast, I have more writing to do. Well my day was normal, I hung out with Rickey and Brenton, and I even got to have dinner with Mandi. She and I are starting to hang out more and more and I am glad of that. She’s a really nice girl.

I also talked to Desiree today, she was doing fine, just a little tired from work, I discussed seeing her on Friday sometime, so maybe I’ll get the chance. I love hanging out with my friends and she and I have been having good conversation lately, so we’ll see.

The Life And Times of A College Student

Here it is nearly 4:30 AM and I am up washing clothes, how sad is that? Oh well. I had a pretty good day, I went to class and talked alot in there, I love Politics and Media, its such an interesting class. Then I hung out with Mandi and her roommate some tonight.

I'm starting to think that I have a lot in common with Mandi, she's a really nice girl and I don't know what she thinks about me, other than th fact she thinks I'm a nice guy. I guess I need to feel this one out more, I don't want to pull anything stupid right off the bat. I think I might see what I can find out about her tomorrow, she's a really nice girl and isn't that what any good guy wants? (not that I'm all that good)

Alright, for those of you who like to see stupid shit, here it comes, my friend Rickey had some A/C problems at his place, the air wouldn't work, so what he did was just try to go with out, but the problem was that the lap top overheated because of it.

Well when it finally cut off when it got to hot he needed to cool it down quick, and this is what he did with it....

Oh yeah, it was that urgent, Diablo II was waiting for him...

Well I better get off of this thing, I have other stuff to do. Like clothes washing

Damn Good Dip/Suit And Tie Affair 2

Well here are the pictures of, well the pictures from the dinner the other night, nice huh. There won’t be much of a post tonight. I went to the store with Rickey, Eddie and Mandi earlier tonight. Had some fun, Mandi is more interesting than I thought. But there’s just not much else I can think about these days than well… you know.

Rickey has promised us some damn good chip dip tomorrow, and he better deliver, because Wednesday he’s going to church, so he can’t till late then. Now, I’m going to have to put these pictures up and head off of here!

Desiree and I

Eddie, Desiree and I

Rickey, Eddie, Me and Brenton

Nicole, Desiree and Jen

Brenton and Nicole

That's all...leave me alone. Just kidding, you know I love you guys.

Suit and Tie Affair

I am starting this post at 3:48 AM, I’m just getting back from Rickey’s and I’m starting to think that things are looking up for once. I’m starting to think that I might finally be in a place where I’m happy, where I can get some long needed rest.

In my mind I am starting to see what Rickey means and I am thinking more and more that Rickey is always right, matter of a fact that only he and Desiree are always right. But let me say what’s been going on for the past few days since my last post. I planned this dinner which started out as a spur of the moment thing to take the place of the dinner we had planned for the 18^th of January. Of course as stated in the last post, that fell through.

The dinner was scheduled to happen at 5:00 PM, and I think the only reason it worked at all was because of the fact that Desiree kind of picked the time out for me. If I had anything to do with it, then you can bet it will go straight to hell.

The catch about this night was, there wasn’t just going to be this fun filled little dinner time romp, there was formal dress required, suit and tie, that kind of shit. I wore my brand new suit, its navy blue, double breasted and I love it. The most comfortable thing I’ve ever worn in the way of suits. I’m thinking about wearing it again just for the hell of it.

I had invited Mandi but she had nothing to wear, Des' friend Jamie was out of town, Ruth was busy I think, Brandon was also out of town, Hannah had no money, Lauren was out of town, Casey and Chanele just seemed uninterested. So the group came down to as follows: Rickey, Brenton, Me, Nicole, Desiree, Jen and Eddie.

Rickey wore a suit that I want to say was a dark green, I can’t remember that well, but he looked like he usually does, fancy and natural. I know I don’t look natural in a suit, I guess I just have no class.

Nicole and Jen wore these business suit things, they looked like women from the DA’s office or something like that, but it was a good look on them. Especially Jen, since she let her hair down and it was really pretty, she keeps it hidden under a hat all of the time. Sad.

Desiree wore this really nice black almost tank top thing, really figure flattering since she has a nice one and she looked even more classy than normal, which is already a pretty high around of class. I could sit here and draw some shitty diagram in paint about class, and I think I will. But later…

Eddie kind of messed us over, he was in just a regular button up shirt and cargo pants—not exactly dress attire, but oh well, at least the three of us were suited up—because Brenton was in a suit too…

Okay, never mind describing all of these clothes, Brenton was in a suit, it was some color and all of the ladies were like “OoOOOoooOO BRENTON J00 SH0 S3XI3…Yeah, they said it just like that, in 1337 speak.

Besides I can show you pictures sometime people, just ask for them, I’m not going to jew my bandwidth up with pictures all over my stuff.

So all the clothes aside, we went to Carabas—I think I spelled that right. And it was good, there was some good conversation and as usual I didn’t finish my food. Earlier tonight I tried to say that when I go with Desiree anywhere that I don’t finish what I have, but in all actuality it just that way when I go out, this school has me fucked up.

After dinner we all went to Best Buy, Desiree got some country CDs and low and behold, one of them had a song I liked on it. It was kind of jazzy and cool and stuff, I’m not afraid to admit I can’t hate all of any genre, that’s just dumb and petty.

So we came back to the dorms and there was all of this discussion about music in the car between Eddie and Rickey, well Desiree and I just kind of stayed quiet in the front, she was driving.

Once we were firmly back at the dorm Desiree went and changed, and we walked over to Eddie’s to find Rickey and Eddie who were supposed to be there. But they had headed to Rickey’s. We went there, decided we wanted ice cream, so she and I went and got Chanele and went with her to some Cold Stone, this ice cream place by the school, very good, I saved some.

To cut a long story short, we came back, dropped Chanele off, watched some Aqua Teen Hunger Force, went to Rickey’s watched Requiem, Eddie pissed me off by being annoying and then I walked Desiree back to her place, went to my place to find Angel and found out it was missing.

That’s when I went back to Rickey’s and found out that Rickey had some stuff to say about Desiree and I, well the talk lasted a while, CJ showed up and got caught up and they both told me everything I should do. The funny thing is that most of it was stuff I should do regardless, just the kind of stuff that self betterment is made of.

Today, was a blur, mindless and relentless in the way it passed. The only thing that sticks out is going to talk to Desiree tonight, I don’t have to divulge all of that here, I’ll just say it went well, and I’m happy to have a friend as good as her.

Now I have to try to remember what I need to do tomorrow, there’s a lot of stuff that I have on my plate and some of it is really important, like switching my English class. College is too exciting, I love it here, I never want things to change.

Back In The Swing

It’s been a good day, I have been pleasantly surprised with what’s gone on today. Besides the little thing with my phone being out of commission for most of the day things went fine. I seem to have an Art History class, the only thing more boring than regular history is in fact art history.

Someone should just pass out crack before the class, that way we’re at least awake for the shots of hellacious boredom right in the face. But the good thing is, there’s only one class tomorrow for me, Politics and Media. I am the youngest person in that class so its kind of going to be up hill for me trying to get them to take me seriously.

Not much really happened today, I saw more of Rickey, Brenton, and CJ—then of course for the first time since I got back I saw Lauren and Hannah. The hostility of the weeks prior to the Holidays seems to gone. I can’t get too mad at someone who gave me gifts.

Probably the highlight of my day was going over to see Mandi after dinner, if you don’t know; Mandi is the girl from my Anthropology class last semester. I just had a urge to see how she was, and I was glad to see her well and have a nice long conversation with her.

She’s probably one of the prettiest girls I met last semester, the kind of pretty that doesn’t have to try. But I don’t think I thought of it going anywhere other than gaining a new friend. I might ask her out, see what she says. But I’m not expecting a breakthrough.

I haven’t seen Desiree since a while back, I kind of wish I had my phone earlier so that I could call her. I will try to see her tomorrow, at least for a little while. She’s a good friend and I don’t want to jeopardize that by doing anything stupid. Friends like her are hard to come by.

In the way of my writing I have been working on the same short story for a little over two weeks now, it features the secondary characters, most of which are recently entering into the story. In the lime light are Rickey and Allison’s characters. Kudos.

A lot of other characters will appear too, along with the regulars, so no one worry about me scrapping the oldies.

I’m cutting this entry short, aren’t you so proud of me? I mean why can’t all of the shit I write be this short?

Pornography

Recently I saw a news story about the American cell phone market trying to integrate pornography into many of the applications commonly associated with cell phones. We’re talking about there being pornographic ring tones, backgrounds, and maybe even streamed video.

Some people may think that this is not that far from what is going on right now, but if you really think about it, how far is too far? Porn can’t serve its real purpose on a cell phone, and not that I like too look at porn because I find it totally disgusting and sickening to see, but I think that it is already more accessible than necessary.

Most of the time with porn people are trying to derive some pleasure out of the pictures or videos they are viewing. Since cell phones are used in public and any time that you are at home you could use your computer, then it is safe to say that some of the things associated with pornography are not even legal in country.

Porn is getting to the point that it is so utterly ridiculous that people are starting to revert back to older technology to view it. I mean, while the cell phone is like an area of the media where progress is made, seeing how we can now watch television on our phones and the like, the pornography industry is not just spreading into the arena of wireless communication.

It is also becoming more and more common to see pornographic stories on the internet, people are actually using stories of an erotic nature to get a rise and I just sit and think to myself, how stupid is that?

And what makes me dislike these stories so much is not that they are written about the subject of sex, but it is the manner in which they talk about sex. I don’t see the point in using words like “pussy” or “dick” inside of the narrative part of the story. Not only does it break the mood if you’re trying to be at all romantic, but it just makes you seem like you don’t know the proper terms or something.

When I write I take care not to write with curse words or even slang in the narrative part of the story. I will make an exception once in a while, but never multiple times in the same story.

I just can’t see the point in someone reading an erotic story to get turned on, and then if not that, then what for? I really don’t understand it. And I have friends that write them and I understand that they enjoy it, but I just don’t know how to rationalize it. I don’t know where they are really coming from with the whole genre.

I guess as long as you make people happy that’s all that matters, but at least do a good job of it, don’t make it all raunchy and unbearably disgusting. I think that a lot of writers just do it for attention or to get shock value and really people don’t get shocked by it anymore because so many other people have done it.

Porn seems to be in a constant state of progression, and despite the fact that I hate it with a passion and with every fiber of my being, its in part a good thing because it helps the internet and the DVD industry. Most of the internet technology owes its thanks for its existence to porn and the industry that bares its name.

But I fear that porn might digress to the point that it’s just pornography in binary and people just sit around and look at the ‘1’ and ‘0’ code on the screen and masturbate.

Why Don't I Call Home?

I’m really starting to remember why I hated being at home so much, my step mom waits until the exact moment I get on the internet and then she needs to get on and do her work. To avoid this I try to get on late at night, for example, I tried to get on after midnight and yet it should come as no surprise that about fifteen minutes after I get on the line gets interrupted and she comes to the bottom of the stairs asking if she can get on the internet.

Why does she need it suddenly whenever I am on. I was gone all day, I got back at 9:30 and I watched a movie until 12:30, so she had all of that time to use the internet for work, but she has to be up tomorrow for work and she’s still on the thing now! It’s 2 in the morning. I on the other hand have nowhere to be.

I don’t see how someone can be so rude and just wait until I am trying to do something before she has to suddenly do it. And what’s worse is we have AOL, so even though we have two separate lines I can’t get on the other one because AOL is the stupidest of the ISPs and only allows one user online at a time.

Truly I don’t know how I put up with her, she finds some way to get in the way of any and everything I try to do. She complains about anything she can’t get in the way of and she makes up stupid excuses for why she made up some dumb nonsensical rule.

When I first got home Christmas eve she asked me how long I had been in town, I told her that I had been at my brother’s house for like five or six days, she blew up and told me that the reason I didn’t have a car up in San Antonio was because I didn’t follow directions.

What fucking directions is she talking about? She didn’t arrange for me to get home, I did that on my own, and she’s lucky I tried because I could have stayed put and not come back here. She acts like she told me to come home at some specific time when all she really did was say that I had to call before I came home, and that was in August when I left that she said that.

I did call before I came home, two weeks before and I never said I’d be there the next day. As a matter of a fact, when I asked them to pick me up on the 14th of December, they told me that it was the middle of the week and that they had to work and all of this other crap.

So when that happened I basically just forgot about getting their help and found a way to where I needed to be, and I did it on my own. No one told me where to go, and no one tried to help me except for Jeff. I mean how do they expect me to get by, they tell me they’ll pay for my college, when I offer to get a job to earn extra money they threaten to stop paying, they won’t give me a car, if I get a job to get a car I can’t go to college. What kind of shitty system are you people trying to run on me here?

I mean I’m cool for money when I’m here in town, but when I get back to San Antonio it’ll be the same old no money thing. And I can’t count on the worthless asses I live with to help out in any kind of way, I mean when I went back there they hadn’t even bothered to flush before leaving the place dormant for a month.

My mother is actually talking about coming to see me at the beginning of next week, I don’t want her to. Because I don’t want to be bothered with my family anymore after I get the hell out of the greater Houston area. I’ve seen more of them than I’ve wanted to and I’m tired of it.

Also there are some people I have yet to see and seem to be unable to get hold of, like my brother, John who is never at home, Megan Thorton, who, despite my best efforts, seems to be busy whenever I try to call her. Julie who was out of town with her dad and who I was having a conversation with before someone had to get online to do work that should have been down twelve freaking hours ago.

When I got back here I tried to be nice to all of them, I came in and said hi, even though they ignored me and the first things my mom was telling me was how I hadn’t followed directions. I sat there in the car on Christmas day while she complained about how I switched lanes too much and drove too fast, despite the fact only one of us has totaled two cars in the last ten years and managed to wreck another without even being in it.

Maybe there are just some people you’re not meant to be nice to, people who just don’t want anyone to be nice to them. I’m even tired of trying, I should only be here one more full day, in about forty hours or so I should be in a car, well on the way to San Antonio where I can be happy and feel at home again.

A month ago or so I wrote an entry about how I feel more at home with my friends than I do in my own room—well let me tell you this, I feel less at home in this house than anywhere else. I’ve felt less at home here for a full eleven years and I don’t want to spend one more day in here.

Almost

It’s almost time for me to head back to the school, I’m excited to say the lest, I was getting tired of being around this place. There are still some more people I would like to have seen while I was here, Megan and Julie in particular. Since I haven’t seen either of them since forever ago. But I guess I will have to do without for now, I do miss them.

The days since I got back from San Antonio have been pretty uneventful, except the whole going to the movies with PJ and Sara thing. We saw White Noise, which I thought was pretty good. On top of that we ran into some girls that PJ knew from school that I had also met once before. Because of that we got seats up close.

I have a new mission for the day, no more of that buying a new game trip I’ve been on, I am going to buy a new digital camera that I can play with. I’m just tired of having to pay for film to get developed and having to use the scanner to get it on the computer. I guess I just like the idea of being able to send things straight into the computer after they’ve been taken. I used to actually hate the idea, because I just thought it was kind of impersonal and that it seemed a little dumb since the old cameras didn’t have the quality of film. But now that they can it makes a difference.

All of the cameras I’ve looked at so far that I could see myself buying are at least $80.00. I really want my camera to have a zoom, because that’s the gripe I have with my dad’s older camera. You can never zoom and what good does that do you?

There’s been a lot going on lately, I’ve had to keep busy because I haven’t really been at the school where all of the fun stuff I usually do is. Hell I just got my video game back from the school!

But I have been jumping from message board to message board, trying to find something to talk to people about. I’m still at the North Castle one, as usual, but I am also at about four others, with only a few posts here and there. But its really been pretty bland because with the exception of NC and LP, a lot of the members there are people I don’t know and some of them can be really rude for no reason at all.

The person who wrote all of that stuff in my blog a while back, the one with all of the slurs and stuff, I’m almost sure that he came from one of these sites. And as usual these people have no lives of their own so they get into everyone else’s. When I get back to the school none of it will matter anymore, I’ll be able to do what I’m more used to doing, hanging out with my friends.

Seeing Nicole and Desiree this past week was a really good thing for me, it gave me a chance to talk to two people I hardly ever get the chance to talk to. Well lately that is. Next week I will get to talk to them again and things will be back to normal, whatever the hell normal can really mean in a place like this.

We Do This ‘Cause We Can, Not For The Thrill

It’s been so long since I wrote one of these, I guess being on the slow internet connection at home has something to do with that. Nothing is really happening right now with me, well for the most part that is. I have to wait weeks just get enough together to make this all one interesting little post!

Last Saturday, the first day of the New Year, was the day that we decided to celebrate Alexis’s birthday. It went on pretty good and all, and the only real problem was the girls wanted to go to the large mall in town, the Galleria and ice skate. Well we went, but most of the mall was closed by six and we got there around five thirty. Really, it was the girls fault, they can’t let anyone travel to a destination without the whole group, I never really got the thing people have with not wanting to break groups up temporarily, I mean we were going in separate cars and we had more than enough for a full load in each. It just didn’t make good sense.

Rickey (I found out all this time I’ve been spelling the man’s name wrong) and Brenton met us at the Galleria. I took my dad’s car with PJ, Alexis, Matt, and Laura in my car. If these names look unfamiliar, it’s because they are people that I used to hang out with before I started this thing. So deal with it.

I had a lot of fun that day, even though I didn’t ice skate and Rickey basically broke into the Williams Tower, which now that I think about it, is funny because his last name is Williams. I use the term break in loosely here, what I really mean is that he didn’t so much break in as he did open an unlocked door and walk in. The way it all worked out was PJ, Brenton, Rickey and I went to go look at Williams Tower, which is for those of you who don’t know, the tallest building in the city of Houston.

We decided that we wanted to walk around the area some and this ended up leading to us going up into the Williams Tower parking structure. We wandered around in there until I pointed out that there was a sky bridge over to the tower. Seeing this, Rickey wanted to see if there were some way to get closer to the building. There happened to be a door that was not closed and Rickey went into the building alone. I kept thinking to myself that black people shouldn’t be going into highly secure office buildings after they are closed to look around. Police Brutality anyone…

I’m just kidding, but really its just not a good idea. Not that I doubt Rickey, he could have probably easily beat all of the cops up and escaped without a scratch, because we all know. Rickey never gets physically hurt.

On another note I was surprised how well Rickey and Brenton really fit in with all of my other friends here in town that he had never met before and only heard about. It was almost like he could have been in that group all of the time. He got to meet, Alexis, Matt, Laura, Tiffany, PJ and some others. The only people I really wished could have been there are Julie and Megan. Julie because she’s just one of the sweetest girls on this side of the galaxy, and Megan because she’s the videogame goddess.

That night ended late with all of us going out to eat the Spaghetti Warehouse, and then me, Rickey and Brenton going back to my house to make fun of bad anime. There’s always plenty of the bad anime to go around, so its not hard to find something to make fun of late at night.

After that little development nothing really happened for a few days, until my dad needed to go to San Antonio to visit someone. I went with him, and I actually got to go by the school and see Nicole, my dad and I got in around 2:00 AM and I went over to Nicole’s around 3:00, I have to say that it is really nice to see someone who I can talk to and agree with several things about. She’s much more fun to talk to than I had ever previously known and I can see getting to know her being a hell of a lot of fun. There’s still things under the surface that I don’t understand yet, and I’m sure I’m the same way to her. But part of the fun of knowing someone is getting to know them better I guess.

My dad and I spent the night at the dorm, he slept in my bed, I came back around 5:00 AM and plopped down on the couch.

It was really messed up how my roommates left all of the dishes dirty in the sink and their clothes and belongings all over the floor. One of them even thought to go poop before leaving and let the toilet stay un-flushed. Just beautiful.

The next day I went with Nicole and Desiree to eat at this place called Zio’s, I don’t think I’ve seen two girls laugh so much in such a short amount of time. I think that as far as people around here go, those two are my favorite. I could hang out with them forever and never get bored. The same could be said for Rickey or Brenton really, because both of them always have something interesting to say.

I’m thinking about making this journal a little more public, I really think it would be cool to see what my friends think about what I write in here. Because others who have read it kind of enjoy it. I let Nicole read my Usher rant, forgetting that it was proceeded by me being one of those ‘hopeless romantic saps’ I hate to be so much. I don’t like people feeling sorry for me, and it seems that to others I’m hard on myself. Well I know a lot of my friends are hard on themselves, some of them when they have no reason to be, most of these happen to be girls. I feel bad about how hard women are on themselves, they’re my favorite people and they are usually put themselves down the most.

I’m starting to ramble, damn this cold medicine.

She Said, “Some Girls Just Like to See Their Guy Happy.”

Yesterday when I talked to Nicole I didn’t really expect the turn that the conversation took, we got off on this tangent where we were talking about some stuff that I never really expected to have a real life conversation about with a girl any time soon. And there was no joking around put into the conversation.

But instead of just being really sick like any conversation like that with a guy would have been, it ended up turning all serious and even coming to some kind of point with out an argument. In a twist I got some more insight into Nicole’s mind and the way she thinks. I used to think that she was very random but I think that she’s thinking a lot about so much that she just comes off that way.

I’m starting to get excited about going back to the school in just a little while, but I’m hoping more of my DVDs come in before then. So far since I have been in town I’ve only really hung out with PJ, everyone else around here seems to be too busy to go do anything or they seem to have other stuff to do.

The whole thing is, I’m not going to count Nicole because she was in San Antonio with me. But before I head back up there I need to at least get some of this next story done. The goal of the story is to do something I haven’t really ever been able to do, write a story in twenty pages or under that bridges two stories together. Are You Now or Have You Ever Been was supposed to be a thirty page short, its forty pages longer than it was meant to be. That’s just ridiculous.

I never thought that it was going to be that way; it just turned out that way. So now I have to wonder if I can even do it. I mean is it even possible for me to write something short and have it be one single, complete part? That’s what this story is supposed to test out.

I won’t really mind if it goes over by a little bit, like say ten pages, but anymore than that and its not even right. As for the title I’m thinking I should call this We Do This ‘Cause We Car, Not For The Thrill’.

Reminder--That String Around the Finger

I know I haven’t posted on this thing in a while, I’m really tired right now. But I just wanted to tell myself something when I look at this later. My memory is bad and I just know that I’ll be looking at this thing sometime again soon.

Right now I’m waiting for my Neon Genesis Evangelion DVD box set to get here, along with the remastered sets I ordered. I’m becoming somewhat used to being back home. I was supposed to take Nicole and PJ to the board walk tomorrow, but I she has to be back in San Antonio then and going with PJ would be strange, so I am going to just hang around here and read or write some more.

I need to get started on the story that I just planned on having fall between ‘Endgame’ and ‘Duality’. I have a few characters to slide into the story and a name to give the new story. I think that the name might be something clever that will bridge the two. I mean names like ‘Time Between’ and stuff like that get old. I think that I need to really think this trough and give it a long title, my favorite title is still ‘Are You Now or Have You Ever Been’.

For the second time in a while my emotions aren’t going to get in the way of my writing. I’m starting to get the feeling that I need to have a long discussion with Desiree about some things because I get the feeling that there is something going on with her that might be really important. I can’t mention what because I’m not sure and its not really any of my business in the first place, but if something is going on I’m just a bit worried.

Its all going to be fine in the end, I know. I have a lot more to do before I can rest, I mean really rest. But for now I better sleep. I have to get in some writing tomorrow and I should probably go see my cousin in the hospital. If I head that way I hope I can check on my EVA DVDs, God I love that show.

I'm going to finish up tomorrow with a talk about the discussion I had with Nicole--very interesting. I love having discussions with people.

I Hate Food Town and Fiesta

Now I’m still winding down from the Christmas holiday and recovering from a cold, so anything I don’t want to do is pretty much out of the question. But when my step mom started asking me to go to Fiesta I had to comply just to make her stop moaning about me not doing what she says. I fucking hate Fiesta and for those of you who don’t know, it’s supposed to be a grocery store.

But unlike Kroger’s or HEB or one of those other places they try to keep this ethnic small village market feel by doing shit like putting things under little booths that I’m tall enough to hit my head on, or spreading dirt and hay on the floor. What is this? A fucking barn dance, dirt and hay don’t belong on the floor of a store where food is served. I don’t care what kind of feel you want to convey!

I mean I half expect to see chickens and shit roaming the floor and pissing right behind themselves as they scurry across my path. That’s what small town villages were like, why don’t you go for some extreme realism and stick a guy who has leprosy on the corner with a begging cup? I mean that would be like a village a long time ago and it would make the customers feel more at home because they’ve lived in places like that before, right?

There’s also all kinds of colorful shit hanging around the store like empty piñatas that no one could reach if lit a rocket in their ass. They think it looks more festive and creates some kind of environment. Well all it really does is look dumb as shit, sorry if you weren’t going for that take them down.

With the exception of one most of the Fiestas in town are dirty, and all of the ones I’ve been to outside of Houston are just as bad. But there is one good thing about this place.
The only saving grace of Fiesta is the fact that the place isn’t the worst store out there, I mean that coveted glory goes to none other than Food Town. How is that for a creative name, Food-fucking-Town.

I mean no flash there, is that what they were going for? Well Food Town is the new trendy thing, no ‘frills’ grocery store. Well I have news for you fucks at Food Town. Shelves….not a frill, fresh food….not a frill, and lights in the parking lot….not a frill.

This place stacks the merchandise on the floor and then stacks the same thing on it until they have a shelf like that. Now I’m not saying anything about how unsanitary this can be in some cases, I mean at least the dirt on Fiesta’s floor was put there on purpose. But Food Town must not realize that no one can get the food on the bottom unless they drag it out. And if they do that, then they could damage what they’re trying to get. Who the fuck wants to fight with a bag on peanuts that sat on the floor in a mound of dirt and then have it rip while trying to get it out.

And you never know if you’re going to get some steak or a fucking stomach ache from eating bad meat. I’ve gone there to find gray meat and sometimes even flies in the meat case. My brother and I take bets too see ho many flies we’ll count in there when we have to go because his wife or my mom sends us. They think the prices make it worth it. Well why don’t they go?

Simple because there are no lights in the parking lot and someone could easily, mug/rape/kill you and no one would know until the fucking sun came up. There’s no security guards at the place so that makes it east to have bad shit going on in the parking lot. Sometimes people deal drugs out there, during business hours. But the drug dealers have to get near the Starbucks out in the parking lot because there wouldn’t be enough light for them to count their money if they didn’t.

These stores exist for one reason, rich suburban soccer moms like to brag about how much they saved at Food Town even though they live in 300,00 dollar houses and drive H2s. Now don’t get me wrong, I love a hot soccer mom as much as the next guy, and I like talking to women, even when its about stuff I don’t care about all that much. But how you saved twenty bucks on the way home from picking up the kids at Karate lessons because you bought expired milk, smashed bread off the floor and gray slabs of nondescript meat is not a good topic of conversation.

Sorry soccer moms, you lose out this time. And to everyone else, if one of these God forsaken super shit shops shows up in your area, boycott the hell out of it.

Awake

It is December 24th 2004, tomorrow it will be Christmas and all I have to say is that I'm glad to see half of this year has gone by, this has been an eventful year that has been flilled with joy, pain, and well, madness. I've made some really good friends, learned alot of lessons that I just needed to learn and I've probably forgotten a few things that I should know.

I can't help but think how things could have been so different if I had done this or done that different, but in truth I don't regret much because that's not my kind of thing. I try not to regret anything because wishing you did something different doesn't help anything normally. You have to keep pulling to get it right and not stop to dwell on the past.

Today is going to be a little more fun than normal because I get so see some friends from the college, Ricky and Nicole are coming down and I'm going to drive Nicole to her house and drop her off. I think that I'm going to just try to get to know her better, she's a very interesting woman.

Well this shit is getting tired, I'm in need of some more rest, I'm going to get off of here and go find something to do to keep myself awake.

I’m so C-c-c-c-controversial

Wow, did you guys see the great comment I got the last time, thanks and I’m only so glad I could return the favor.

See what people fail to realize is that, I don't really care about racial comments because most of the time they are not true, especially if you're like this guy and barely know me. I mean if one of my friends suddenly burst out like that and was serious I would be sad, not because they made stupid racial comments, but because I lost a friend.

But I could care less about this shit, I like the attention!

And in other new I finally finished the work on Endgame, the story is done and the end has been decided. I have two more to do until the end of this series of stores, Justin is so excited he could shit his pants!

Well I really don't have much to say, I spent all day writing, talked to Desiree, Tiffany, Ricky and some others today, nothing really big there. I'm out because I have other shit to do, I might have something to discuss next time, its been a while and I'm ready!

New Day

Not that I want to sound all sad and everything, but I just want to know when will life be right. I don't mean perfect, nothing is ever really perfect. But I refuse to settle for a life where everything I do, everything I know and think is just medicore. For the past three months or so I've filled this thing with entries both happy and sad, and some a little bit funny.

But when it all comes down to it what does all of this mean to me? Its not like this is the life I really want. I like my friends--but thats really all I have going for me is friends. And sometimes, when theres someone I want to be more than a friend I end up just having to settle for her being my friend. I've tried so hard to think of what I could be doing wrong, if its something about me that I just could change.

But I'm starting to think that its just me, that I am the cause for all of the things that happen to me and the way they happen. I don't know what I'm going to do, or if there is anything I can do. I think I'll have to really try to make some changes. Try to make myself something by actually working at things.

It's going to have to start while I'm here, I'm going to have to occupy more of my time with doing things other than just sitting here. I need to go for walks or something. I mean all I really need is a CD player and I can take long walks without having to worry about getting bored.

And somehow I need to get my mind off Des, I've been thinking about her alot. I don't know how to get over something like this, I guess I'll have to figure it out when I go for a walk. I want to show her that I can be what she wants without it being entirely obvious, but I doubt there's a way.

Well I have to get off here, I have things to do and I haven't been doing them because my brain is burned out lately.

A Matter of Chance

It’s been a while since I updated, far too long if you ask me, but this will not be the normal, what’s going on with me thing. This will be one of those special little entries where I just talk about things that have come to my common realization. For me to start this out right I have to say that I made a new friend last week, her name is Nicole and she’s from Houston too. She’s a really nice girl and she probably one of the only girls in our little group that can hang out with the guys without us losing her with what we’re talking about.

Last Saturday we all went to Outback Steakhouse, Nicole and I got to talking and she wanted to go to the bookstore with us afterwards. Well we did go and it was really fun because we found out how much she had in common with all of us. Ricky saw a movie that he liked called Magnolia, it was a movie about chance, watching it and how it all fits together makes me think of how much the world really works on chance.

Thinking back, I know now that I could be living a totally different life if the big events that had shaped everything that I am now. If my mother had never died I might not be sitting here today doing this.

But there are small things, events that are just day to day choices that have an effect on a large part of our lives. Like my descion to go to UTSA, I could have easily gone somewhere else, but I just happened to choose UTSA off the top of my head, I wouldn’t have all of the friends I now have.

Or how I chose to wash clothes that first Saturday, instead of wait until the Sunday, that’s how I met Desiree and I’m really glad that happened. I can’t go into all of the details, but next time you have time to think about where you are, think about the events that led up to that point, you may be surprised how different things could have been.

In other news I am back home now, well at my brothers house in north Houston. I already kind of miss the school, I miss seeing all of my friends from day to day and Christmas can’t come too soon so I can get back to school and doing what I do best. For now I am going to try and get some writing in, while there are less distractions.

Shallow

Well with Finals over I was able to get a full twelve hours of sleep in Saturday morning, I feel new, I feel like I can do all that I want to do, all that I haven’t been able to do in a while, even now, at 4:36 AM I am pretty wide awake. Today was one of those days I didn’t expect much from, but I was so wrong.

I returned my books, most of them that is, to the bookstore on campus—I just asked Desiree were they opened, which caused her to wake up (sorry Des). I talked to her a bit and she was barely responsive so I had to let her get back to sleep or whatever she was going to do.

I decided to wake Brandon next, but when I opened the door to my room there were guys all over the floor of the common area, I realized that these were Ben’s guests that had spent the night. I really didn’t care much about that. I made my way over them and to Brandon’s door. He was sleep but I woke him and told him we should return our books.

Well we did that and I scored $83.47 which is pretty much like cleaning up at the book store. After that we went to the University Center and ran into Shana, Lauren, Hannah, Eddie, Ricky, Brent, Debra and her friend, Nicole.

It was a nice little session at the table, I can’t really say much for it. Everyone really seems more at ease in the day time around here. I think its because we know we don’t have to deal with each other much longer.

But after the meal we finished Evangelion, two episodes and two movies. All I can say was it was epic, it was grand, it is possibly the best Anime ever made because its so deep with out delving to far from the surface.

After that we all went to Outback Steakhouse which was more fun that I expected, it was a reservation for fifteen people, pretty fun. By just an occurrence of chance I got stuck between Evan and Ricky and across from Nicole. I had some interesting conversation with Nicole and found out that she was a very interesting person.

The Outback event passed without much else happening, all I do have to say is we got raped—stuff there costs and an arm and a leg. But it was fun, afterwards we all went to the bookstore to exploit Eddie’s discount because he works there. It was fun. We came back to Eddie’s place and I got a chance to sit and talk with Nicole some, after we watched a movie that took a pretty long time. All and all I had a lot of fun today. Life here at the college seems to be winding up, which for lack of a better expression makes sense. But all I have to say is that I hope nothing ever changes—things should stay close to how they are right now.

I look at it like this, I had some kind of contact with almost everyone I really care about today—with the exception of Casey…but she’s out of town and I will see her soon. Life is good.

The Time Between

I realized that I haven’t been updating this thing as often as I should lately, so kill me…its finals week. You may be surprised to know, I just woke up and its like 6, aren't you all so proud? I only have two more finals and then I’m just going to collapse and die, well after I get the gifts out to people. There has been a lot going on lately, a lot of which has been outside of the Justin Caynon realm of control. I’m a busy man and it has come to show.

Last night we watched Spirited Away, which was very imaginative and stuff, pretty good for a family movie. I usually wouldn’t have watched something like that, but Eddie bought it and we all needed to take a rest from the extreme violence and religious side notes of Evangelion.

I also did some more Christmas shopping, I got Desiree a stuffed Winnie the Pooh because she said she liked Disney. I hope she sees it as just what it is, a gift from a friend to a friend. Because that’s all I can be to her and that’s all I’m going to say about that.

In other happenings Eddie burned me a very nice little CD by the band Brand New, I am loving it. They are probably one of the best punk bands lyrically. I mean you hear so many badly written lyrics on the radio now and then you get this CD that’s like boom right in your face with the good lyrics.

Take this lyric for example: “This is War, every line is about who I don’t want to write about anymore.” I just love that!

I also got a little part on one of Eddie’s tracks on his CD, he was recording a demo for Ricky to listen to, the script fro Ricky’s movie is done. So they are looking at music for the whole thing. And I was tapping a pen in the background and I crumpled some paper and it got onto one of the recordings. He said he liked it though. Plus we talked at the start of one track.

Well I better head off, I have to say, Julie, the red site is looking good, keep experimenting with those colors!

Home

I realize now that this place doesn’t really feel like home, its hard to explain but I got a feeling just last night. A feeling I haven’t had in this place in a while, the feeling was short lived at best but it felt so good. I was sitting talking with Desiree on the couch, and I kept thinking in my head, this is what home should be like; this is what it’s supposed to be.

It’s not just her, I realize I don’t stay home much because it doesn’t feel like home, this dorm doesn’t, my house at home doesn’t. I feel more at home in my friend’s dorms than I ever do when I’m here. Home shouldn’t be me in this tiny room at the computer, over a book or in the bed. Home feels better when its me, Casey and Chanele talking on their couch, when me and Ricky are playing a game. Home for me is when I can sit and talk with Eddie about music, or Brent about Anime. It feels like Home when I’m swapping stories with Desiree.

I don’t know why this place can’t be home, I don’t know what it is about here. All this dorm seems to convey is loneliness, a sense of extreme loneliness. I went to dinner last night, surrounded by friends, ten of them I can call close friends probably—even though some of them may get on my nerves from time to time, I can’t call them much else besides friends.

I talked to Eddie about this the other day, I think he was shocked that I would say all of this. I guess I go deeper than I thought, it all just came out when I started talking, I have a knack for that.

Week of Hell

I think that I’m going to have to start back writing again really soon, I need to start trying to clear a place in my mind for what to do next in the story. I have come to a dead end with Endgame a story that I started planning almost two years ago. Probably the only story I have written that has yet to undergo a title change.

It is in essence the only story that has the same basic feel that it had in its planning stages. I’m proud that I’ve kept the same continuality that I promised from the start, all that the opening of a story is really is a promise to see something happen. Whether or not the reader knows the promise until the end is up for grabs, but you can bet that there will be something there by the end.

Even in shows, movies and any games with plots there is some promise. In some ways its hard to tell exactly what it may be.

Right now I have been working on trying to explain some of the back story that there is with Voltaire more thoroughly, he is in fact, the most complicated villain I think I’ve ever made up. Its simply because he is so rooted in the past at some times and things like that.

Now that the next story is not going to feature the Angel crossover idea, I have a better chance to play my own characters up some more. Melanie has come into the limelight more and more as the story has progressed. She is more a part of the group than she has been before. And I think I illustrated that very well. I’m more proud of her than any of my other characters.

I have a lot to do this week, finals are closing in on me and I have some Christmas Cards to make. So I’m going to start on phase two of Desi’s gift, I’m going to make cards for everyone I know and I am going to do all of this in a matter of days…I have to have them done by the 14^th, because that’s basically D-Day. Wish me luck, this is going to be the two weeks of Hell.

Pimp The System/All That Matters

After the party we held for Casey yesterday, I think that the safest thing to say is that I’m starting to cheer up, I’m really starting to find my place here at UTSA. I’m really starting to find my place in the world. I realize now that pretty much there’s nothing I can do to get ahead in the world that hasn’t already been done.

I can think of a million little tricks, gimmicks and other little things to do anything that I want to do. I could use them to get by, get a girl, get money, or just mess the next guy over, but its not my place and its all been done. Trying to be original isn’t really what matters, its trying to be yourself.

But all the while there is a system, and the system is what works against us. Most people would have you believe that to become part of the system you have to give up part of yourself, but in reality you can be part of the system and still be yourself. You can work the system to your advantage.

Why not use the paths people already laid down for you to do the things you need to accomplish in school and in life in general. Trying to be original is overrated because its nearly impossible to be original. Some people just happen to be better than others, you can’t say we’re all the same because we’re not, but you can’t say we’re all original either, because a large percent of the population seems to think impersonating someone famous makes them cool.

Basically what I am trying to say is that being original is not original because so many people try to do it. So by doing it you’re playing into a group of people. Just be yourself and find yourself a place in the system. Like any system it has its weak points, it can be exploited to your liking.

By trying to remain outside of the system and come original you are in part just a cog in another system. I mean did I ever say there was one system? No, I didn’t you just assumed that, but perhaps ever system is part of a larger whole, some kind of network of systems.

The most important thing to remember is that by becoming part of the system you are not subjecting yourself to a life of servitude; on the contrary, you are in a prime position to pimp the proverbial ‘system’. (How’s that for alliteration)

Besides we all know, you can do more damage from the inside of a system than you can from the outside.
….
I want to try and do something a little different, a duel topic entry into this little thing. But I want this second one to be a little more about me. I wrote the blog entry ‘Faint’ last week. Which is arguably almost as depressing anything I shall ever write; the real point of that entry is that, I have basically fallen for a girl that I can’t have. Not because of some great epic event that took place and blocked her out from my view.

People don’t understand that life does not operate too often on the idea of epic events; it operates within a realm of normalcy. If epic events defined all of our lives from day to day, then those epic events would in turn become the very normal ones we come to expect.

Now, back to the subject matter at hand, I can sit here and talk about how much I really wish I could be with this girl. Whining won’t get me anywhere, because it does nothing for anyone. I know people who would have turned and walked off from the entire situation with her when she said no. But I care about her too much as a friend to do that, for those of you who don’t know yes I have a heart and feelings, its just that some people piss me off to the point I want to rip their arm off and beat them with it so this side of me is one they never see.

What I’ve come to realize is that this right here, that I’m going through with Des, this whole ordeal isn’t some kind of test or just a little game that I can pull in a way I want to. This is an opportunity to do what really matters. I’ve mentioned this before, but in my mind and in my heart I truly believe that it was said best in the television series Angel.

Because I hear people, I’ve heard people all my life say things like, “Look it doesn’t matter what you do, no big action is going to sway this—this is how things are.” If what they are saying is true then no matter what we did, if we all just sat on our God given hands, nothing would change, things would run smoothly.

We all know that’s bullshit…because the real truth of the matter is all that matters is what we do. The smallest act of kindness is the greatest thing in the world. In the same way the smallest rude comment can drive someone over the edge. It’s like I told Casey, there is no destiny, there is no set path we have to follow.

It’s Choice, we all have choices and when it comes right down to it leads back to the Six Degrees of Separation. But that’s a post for another day. I told Casey that I’m not destined to become something, I have to make myself part of it. If I was destined to be something, then no matter what I would end up there. College or no college, I could basically do whatever, run in front of cars, get shot and I would be invincible until I achieved my goals.

We’re not bound by destiny and we’re not bound by some pre-birth set path that was mapped out on some scroll thousands of years ago miles from the location we live in. I want kids, its not some kind of destined event. I love kids, I want a family, it doesn’t make much a difference what others say.

In the same right, I have already made choices that are nonrefundable, that is to say that at some point I could have already made the choice that will ultimately lead to the goals I want. I made the choice to stay friends with Desiree, because at one point it seemed easier to just walk away from her, go back to seeing her here and there, never really talking or dwelling for too long. But I told myself that was wrong because more than ever I need all the friends I can get and she might need a friend someday too. And even if we don’t end up together I won’t regret that. Shit I don’t regret much.

I shocked Hannah on the back, said I was sorry, but I don’t regret it. People can say I wasted my money on a date, and flowers and gas that got me nothing. But I can tell them that first off, nothing you do for another person is wasted. It might not have got me what I wanted, but if it made her smile, for just one second that’s probably worth more than anything I ever wanted.

Second, it did get me something, maybe not a girlfriend, but it got me a good friend that I know I can trust to stand by me even when I’m probably weirding her out and acting like a total fuckwad. I don’t mind having her as a friend, she’s smart, sweet, funny and insightful. I can have a good long conversation with her, and I can laugh with her. It’s a nice thing to find, and its rare.

I could regret the things I’ve done, but where would it get me? Regret is like a worm, that just gnaws at your insides until you’re full of so much nothing that you eventually just become really indifferent. I don’t want to be indifferent, I want to care about something.

So what do I have to care about? What do I have to fight for? What do I really want it all to be about? Is it for the girl? Is it for the pursuit of happiness? Is it to expose dumb comments made by others? Is if you my children? My children’s children? Is it just for the hell of it? Is for entire paragraphs written in sentences that are questions?

Well all of the above are correct, but most of all I do it for what really matters. Well if you’ve been paying attention you’d already know this one. I do it because this is all that matters.

The Greatest Show On Earth

In an odd change of events, I had more time to sit and think about what was going on around me today. I was supposed to meet Allison for coffee at seven o' clock, I called her at seven AM, not knowing that she meant PM. After a very drowsy Allison explained to me the way that time worked, and that there was two sevens and there was one of them she was never up for, I fell asleep.

I woke up around, oh I'd say about eleven thirty, the sun was peaking through a crack in the blinds and I knew that it was time for me to start moving. I got out of the bed, and went straight to the computer to talk to Juliet and take a quiz in History.

The quiz turned out to be total crap, I sat there staring at the screen for what seemed like an eternity. I wondered about how I was every going to be able to do anything in my final exams. I just think I suck at tests. As I glared at the test Ricky called, he wanted to go to eat at the University Center. If I had a choice of where to go I would have been like, "Fuck that..." but you know, its hard to pick a place to go when you have no money, no car and no real need to get off school grounds.

I told him to wait up, there was the quiz I needed to take.

Well he showed up here, I forget the exact details, but stuff happened and we ran into Brandon, Eddie, Shana, Matt and this ctue girl that Shana knew. We spent most of the rest of the afternoon watching Linkin Park and Jay-Z. Evan was there for the first few moments of the DVD, but he hates rap and Linkin Park, so he quickly aborted the attempt to watch it.

Eddie really gets into the musical stuff, so he was really enjoying the DVD, thats the vibe I got off him when we were all watching it. Well somewhere in there, the things I wrote about Usher came up, well I have to say this, I still feel the same. And I will go as far as to say that even though Jay-Z and many other rappers talk about cheating they don't try to justify it...they just say stuff like yeah I did it because I did it. Not let me whine about it and maybe you'll take me back.

If the girl wants to take a guy back that's her business, it just takes a very strong woman to do that or a very weak one. But there's no good reason to cheat, so don't try to justify it.

Anyway, I think I've gone off on that tangent far too much. Allison and I never got to have the coffee, so I ended up at dinner just feeling a little weird, I was so quiet the whole time people kept askign what was going on and stuff. I don't particularly like getting that question, and yet I feel compelled to ask it sometimes. Its just one of those things you can say if there's nothing else you can say to a person. Like a conversaton opener when you already know there's a problem and in some cases know the nature of it.

On the way to dinner I had a very odd feeling, it was like running some kind of guantlet of people that I knew, I ran into Casey and Chanele, then Megan and Jamie, and then Desiree and Brent--all of them in pairs (well Brent walked up to me and Des when we were talking.) Its fun to know so many people, especially considering I couldn't claim to even have more than a hand full of friends that were men back home. Here I've got Evan, Eddie, Ricky, Brent and yes, even Brandon.

I have trouble being friends with guys because the second they make some heartless comment I'm on them like a fat kid on a donut. I go off when guys say something that I disagree with, like when I have to hear someone complain about something their girlfriend yelling at them for some shit they shouldn't have done. No you're right, she shouldn't have yelled at you, she should have stabbed you.

Well if I had a segment for cool things that happened I would have to say that one stands out in my mind, after dinner, we were supposed to watch Evangelion, but we had to go to the store first because...well snacks!

On the way back from the car to the dorm, Eddie made the comment that the table is like a circus and he's not part of it. I thought that it was cool and decided to elaborate on the idea, I mentioned that there was no ringmaster.

Then out of the blue Ricky, Eddie and Brent decide that I am the Ringmaster, don't ask how that works, I've never had charge of anything in my life. And I feel less than commanding considering how bad I seem to have it for this girl, and how I have undoubtly taken on more than I can chew.

I will say this much, I have the power to push Lauren's buttons effectively, and to exert force through threats of throwing food. Even if Lauren were to attack me like she does Evan so often, she wouldn't get much, because I can defend against any girl that sits at our table at any given time, or any girl that ever has. I know what their weak against....with the exception of two....Desiree, because she's basically my weakness, and Casey because she, like the Legendary Solid Snake, fights as if possessed by a devil.

To tell the truth, I don't want to be in charge...I mean who wants to be the Ringmaster of Bitchiling Brothers Three Table Circus? I know...not me. Well I have to get on. Need to try and get to bed, I actually feel tired now!

I'm out....

A Cold Day and The Hit On Usher

It’s really safe to say that I am feeling better, I got to talk to Desiree today and tell her what I think about things, what I think about her and I was completely honest. I really feel something for this girl and it will take me time to get over her if I do get over this. Its hard to move on from something that seems this right.

But I’m fine with her for now, we’re going to be friends because it means the world to me.

So now I have what I have waited for, the Linkin Park and Jay-Z CD, Collision Course. I love it, they match up so well. I also picked up Flogging Molly while I was at it. I feel a little better, these are the first CDs I’ve bought since being here.

Well as the title of this little venture would suggest its cold outside, and I mean the kind of cold where you are literally paralyzed to the point of immobility. I tough it out, because the cold is like my natural habitat, that’s who I am.

I’m satisfied with today, but I have a lot to do tomorrow, talk to Allison, write a paper, and just make sure I get some stuff done before the semesters out, then I have to start on Desi’s gift—a card, the chocolate and a portrait of her. I hope that my drawing skills are back enough, my gaming seems to be up to par, I handled some stuff on Smash Bros. Melee well, I mean I haven’t played the game since summer and I lost every match but one—but I have to get the feel for Peach back.

Anyway, I need to get all of this stuff squared away, I also need to apologize to Chanele because I pissed her off making fun of her being a vegetarian. I mean I didn’t think she’d react like she did. She’s one of my best friends, has been since I got here and I should respect her views more than I did there. I hope she’ll forgive me.

Well I didn’t originally plan this, but it has been on my mind a bit since yesterday when it came up. I’m sure most of the people who will read this (like all zero of them) will have heard of Usher, the silly little Rhythm and Blues slash pop star who prances around shirtless in his videos?

A while back he cheated on this woman he was dating, and to make matters worse he got the woman he cheated with pregnant. Well he wrote a song about it called Confessions. It’s one of those ‘I’m whining because I’m so sorry I cheated girl’. Well I say fuck him up his stupid ass. No one should ever cheat on someone they love, and if they don’t love that person than why are you there? Why bother? I mean I don’t get the fun in just having one person and then running around on them with another.

Of course the girl won’t take him back, and I say more power to her! But I know girls out there who are like, “He’s so sorry, he even got on his CD and recorded a song to apologize!”

I’m sorry, but he could have just told her in person and he’s not sorry, he’s sorry he got caught. His record producer probably heard about it too and was like “We should make a song about this, it will kill!”

People make the excuse that he has all of this money and that it tempts him to go after other women. I can say this, it would take a huge lapse in judgment for me to cheat on someone I loved, a lapse in judgment comparable to having my brain removed! I have a problem looking at other girls when I’m interested in one, it feels like cheating already.

Premarital sex, homosexuality, these things don’t bother me, but they bother a lot of people. And yet a lot of people that these things bother have no problem with adultery, it’s the only one of those things that really hurts a lot of people. I’m sure that it must feel good for the woman when her man runs off and cheats on her, she must feel so good about herself. That’s a real esteem booster.

I mean, if you attracted to someone else, then break up with the first person and go after them. But you have no right to string both women along. And to think that some people find it exciting to cheat because it feels invigorating. Oh yeah, its really cool whenever you hurt someone’s feelings behind their back, because you ‘love’ them and they trust you, but you just throw it right in their face.

That’s not love at all, that’s just trying to satisfy one’s own pleasures. And if I ever cheat on a girl, whether I’ve been dating her a day or married to her for 20 years, I hope I have the sense to put a gun to my head and blow my brains out, because any guy that would cheat, especially one that would try to capitalize on it or make money off it deserves to be beaten with a wrecking ball.

So I make this call, if you see Usher, shank him or something, he doesn’t deserve to live, someone’s got to say it. He’s just a pain and he just builds onto the stereotype that black guys are just cheating assholes. So I’m just saying take him out, he’s not worth the bullet so use something that has a common daily use that you have around the house like a baseball bat or a knife so you won’t have wasted your money.