Ambiguous Vindication

Not Bothering

2012-01-20T00:42:00.001-06:00

I’m not running the rat race with women anymore. I’ve put in enough time and effort trying to talk to girls I was generally interested in thinking that it actually meant something. It doesn’t.

So I don’t feel like its worth the effort chasing after this shit anymore when there are much easier goals to attain that don’t rely on someone else’s feelings and other bullshit being in tune and them having some level of sanity. Not really going to bother with anyone who’s wanting me to work to be with them or work to gain their attention initially.

Trust me, you’re not as special as you think.

My Photos So Far

2012-01-13T04:47:00.001-06:00

This is my gallery for anyone looking at this. It’s all work safe.

Flickr

Writing Binge

2012-01-11T16:32:00.001-06:00

I’ve been on a writing binge while my ear is getting better. Two days ago I couldn’t hear and now I’m actually able to hear out of the left side again. The right side is seemingly fine. It’s always the same ear too! Which I really don’t get but whatever.

As for what I’ve been writing. Short answer is not what I’m supposed to be writing. I did some fan fictions and I am finishing up one of my longer fics now. There’ll be links below.

Devil on the Isle of Dogs – My first big Sherlock fic, its pretty much centered on Molly and it features a cameo by Holly and Lewis.

Danger Night – more Molly/Sherlock pairing dribble.

Driver – Sherlock gives Molly a birthday gift, though this one was just smut for the sake of it.

The Next Great Adventure – a kind of general story featuring Sherlock and my character Dee.

These are just the completed or near completed works.

Probably Not That Surprising

2012-01-06T01:25:00.001-06:00

I’m constantly surprised by how far some men will go to get the attention of all the women around them. I’m even more shocked by how many women give it to them, knowing that this guy is currently involved with someone else.

And when the guy sleeps with a girl and calls her a slut to his male and female friends, I like how nothing is said about his behavior and how the fact that he cheated is never the issue.

Sorry, I’m watching this cycle at work and what’s most frustrating is that its effecting me, the noise, the arguing, the little BS going on around me and I can’t move because we only have so many places to sit and all of them are around this bullshit.

Forums

2011-12-28T22:35:00.001-06:00

Coming home from work at this time feels weird. But I felt I needed to post something here just because I have been thinking it. I spent a lot of my time on forums a while back, one forum in particular and these days it just feels like a waste to even log in most of the time. I rarely if ever feel like the things these people are saying interest me and the little things I do still like to do there are so few that I can handle them simply by hitting the place up once a week.

Not that I am shunning forums all together, the Canon Camera photography boards and the Something Awful writers forum have been very helpful to me in finding people with whom to get tips from and share ideas.

If not for my time on forums though I wouldn’t have met some of my very favorite people. At the same time I think the relationship between me and forums is coming to a close.

Other Projects

2011-12-27T03:55:00.001-06:00

I’ve been working on some things: besides the novel and the fan fiction. Probably the biggest two are a second story with a different cast and my photography.

The other story doesn’t have a name but its got a plot outlined. It’s about a girl who dies but continues to live a kind of half life in her body. The Angel of Death gives her a second chance, but is unable to repair damage done to her soul so he patches her soul with that of her sister who also died. Her being dead and her sister being a vengeful spirit who wrestles control from her on occasion is supposed to make for interesting situations. Rounding out the cast is a necromancer/best friend, a vampire and a police officer who turns caretaker to the girl.

And then there is the photography thing, this development has been taking center stage a lot and rightfully so. The big thing I had planned that went off pretty well was my Doctor Who shoot, featuring a friend from work as the Doctor. (A fictional female Doctor)

Forced Hand

2011-12-23T12:45:00.001-06:00

I was trying to decide what to do, but I think my hand is being forced…

365 Days of Summer

2011-12-23T02:55:00.001-06:00

My mind has been in overdrive these last few days and I’m struggling to figure out what course of action to take about this situation with a woman at work I shouldn’t be dating but can’t get out of my head.

I’ve been thinking about some other things too, like how I kind of want to try something my friend Kara did. Now we all know how I feel about New Year’s Resolutions but hear me out.

I want to try and take a photo everyday for a year. Not of me, just of anything or anyone. I think it would be a fun project and it doesn’t have to be with my big camera. I might even make a blog or something and post the images there. I think that would challenge me to keep up with something and actually get out and do more with cameras and my camera.

So I’m doing it, starting on the first of the year.

Settling?

2011-12-22T05:38:00.001-06:00

When is it time to settle or is there ever a time to settle. I’ve gotten it beaten into my head that I can’t get what I want romantically and that’s all there’s left to do. My first instinct at this point when I really, really want someone is to ignore it and push the thought out of my head.

Everyone always says the same thing: “The worst they can say is no.” But when you have something you really want no can be everything. I’ve gone through that before and its not like no just comes easily or like its just no. It messes up friendships or in some cases, like my most recent little try with someone it makes the girl hate you for no reason.

Here’s the thing, on one hand I have a girl who is somewhat interested in me and willing to go out with me but I’m only mildly interested in. There’s nothing wrong with her, but there’s a girl at work who I’m just beginning to realize is the picture of perfection to me and while it makes me want to try something it scares me. Because I already know her answer going into it.

Do I want to lose another friend to that awkwardness or deal with the long wait for things to return to normal. I’ve only ever had one friendship that stood up through that rejection and I don’t think me and this person are that strong yet or if we ever can be.

So do I settle, I mean like I said there is nothing wrong with this other girl. Hell, probably the only reason I’m not able to give her my full attention is the other girl. I don’t want to string anyone along and I’d like to think I have an idea of what I want in someone else. I also think its realistic and completely able to be found.

I guess it doesn’t help that I don’t think I deserve it.

She’s Not That Into You

2011-12-15T03:35:00.001-06:00

Been pretty absent from here as its getting harder and harder for me to find a reason to be anywhere online that’s not Facebook or the Something Awful Forums. I’ve been reading constantly, though most of it has been fan fiction or photography books. I’ve even started to take some notes in that last area. Needless to say my control over the camera has gotten a lot better.

A while ago something like this would have been impossible for me. So just knowing what stuff does helps tremendously.

Then there’s been some other, minor annoyances. One of them I think I will concentrate on here. There’s a person from my facebook who went to high school with me (meaning that he’s also twenty-five) that pretty much posts things like this all day:

“Great night talkin to her. (: she's the best(: ♥”

The “her” in question is his girlfriend and this is a direct quote from him I just took off my wall. My issue here is that he does this all day long and that he also draws little things that say his name ♥’s her name and posts them on his wall.

Now I’ve never been one to shy away from talking about a girl I liked. And if I love someone I don’t feel like I need to hide it. But if I ever get to the annoying level where I make hearts and seriously mean it, I hope that my girlfriend has the foresight to slap me as hard as she can.

Thing is you never see the girl respond or say anything about him, so either she’s embarrassed or she’s not that into him.

Don’t Want to Be Here

2011-12-05T05:08:00.001-06:00

I haven’t forgotten this place, not by a long shot. I’ve been trying to stay busy off line more often and I’m about to crawl into bed as soon as I finish this post.

The final half of this year has been a pretty scary time in the U.S. and the future looks bleak when it comes to the freedoms people have long enjoyed. The most disheartening thing about it all is that people don’t seem to care. They just want to go on about their lives without thinking about it and worrying about it.

I’ve come to the point where I don’t want to live here anymore, we’ve gotten in the habit of being largely embarrassing. People in other parts of the world called us stupid for so long and it seems like its become true. People are fighting against themselves all over the country, working to pass laws that impoverish and hurt them and the most watched news station in the country is a lie mill that’s easily bending to the will of one political party.

Starting to hate your own country is never fun, but its hard to stick up for something that’s become so visibly messed up.

Old Friends

2011-11-29T01:36:00.001-06:00

I went into Wal-Mart today to buy a space heater. For those of you who don’t know the heat in my house works when its convenient for it and the space heater I had before caught fire thrice. So some new equipment was in order.

When I was about to check out I ran into a girl whom I work with but never talk to. This same girl is also someone I knew from high school, she was about thirteen or twelve when I first met her. Of course she’s not a child anymore, she’s twenty two or so.

She’d lost her dog recently and we just spent time in the store talking. I felt odd, like something might happen that just caused trouble or caused an argument but it didn’t and we just talked for a while and parted ways.

I don’t think things will change between us, but its weird to see someone like that and just kind of link up to talk like everything is normal, especially when it feels genuine.

The SOPA Bill

2011-11-21T02:32:00.001-06:00

If you don’t know you need to read up on it, check Wikipedia or the news—but not the television. You won’t find it there because the news agencies have pretty much kept it from being spoken about at all on the TV. From what I understand this bill covers every kind of freedom infringement from monitoring everything sent across networks to completely shutting down websites and/or blocking the public from accessing them.

So why is the government allowed to pass this and where is the opposition? Well it consists of some pretty big names that include Google, Facebook, Flickr and some others. It could also lead to abuse by different ISP companies to make a buck off their customers. Imagine not to being able to read a site for a Coca Cola product because the ISP you use gets money from Pepsi. Basically this is the whole net neutrality thing but worse.

And the government has been trying to slip this shit past in one form or another for the last few years. John McCain sponsored a bill called the Internet Freedom act that was something like this and then there was the COICA last year. The thing is that this bill actually threatens the freedom of the internet as a place to share ideas, sell products and other things.

It’s filled with vague language which reads like the kind of thing written for the government to take advantage of and it’s a huge deal. Though you haven’t heard much about it on any major outlets because the bill serves their needs.

In the last year any faith I’ve had in Congress and their political process in general has broken down. Between the Supreme Court, Congress and the Debt Ceiling and the Tea Party and their big glut of bullshit and now this mess it seems like the only excuse is to throw out the way the government works with corporations and Wall Street and regulate the Hell out of it all.

Better Person

2011-11-12T14:14:00.001-06:00

Despite my anger at this girl for what she pulled last weekend, I ended up calling her and telling her I knew and just asking her to apologize. She sounded sincerely embarrassed and sorry and even then I didn’t even want her to feel bad about it and told her she would be my friend still.

It feels odd but the more I thought about it, the more I realized someone who would do this sort of thing more than likely has a lot going on in their life and I don’t want to add to the pile of bad things happening with them.

I’m not that guy, I mean I spend enough of my time hating myself. I don’t need to give those thoughts actual clout.

De-Valued

2011-11-08T01:32:00.001-06:00

This Saturday ended badly. Had I been a worse kind of person I would have easily done something horrid to this person but I think they really undermined their own value in their attempt to get what they wanted.

The story goes like this: I went to see Rickey this weekend and we went to have sushi because, well sushi is fucking delicious. Anyway there’s this girl I wanted to take out and she knew as much. She was told last week and we were making plans to go out. Rickey knows her too, he’s how I met her so he called her up and convinced her to come out. Well that’s when the trouble began.

We hung out at Starbucks, that was fine. Then we went to Gringos where we had to wait for a table because its Gringos. Well while we waited this girl spends her whole time talking to Rickey about how awesome he is and how he dates girls too ugly for him and how he shouldn’t go after these scrawny women. When we got inside I piped up and it ended up being a little more of a chipper conversation but there was a lot of texting going on, admittedly some of it was me texting Rickey about her but it wasn’t bad comments.

On the other hand she was texting someone too.

So the night moves on from there and a third person joins us and we go to a bar, I hate bars because its impossible to get to know someone but this wasn’t so bad. Well the bar thing went on for a few hours and then we went back to an apartment for some drinks with other friends. I was pretty drunk but not to the point I couldn’t reason or speak. Well I talked to this girl outside and she instantly launches into this speech about how she doesn’t want to hurt my feelings and she wants us to be friends and wants things to be normal and not awkward. Why does this sound familiar?

Thing is I wasn’t mad and I kind of expected us to not work out but I had expected a slight chance. But when I told her that Rickey wasn’t into her, which I just knew from knowing him and I knew she liked him because she told me, she tells me that she needs time alone. Well I left her for several minutes and she plays some sad songs on her phone outside alone and then moves to the other side of the apartment (out front). I go out to take her a bottle of water to check on her and she refuses it and tells me just send Rickey. That kind of pissed me off because it was rude but I did as I was told.

He spends an hour outside and when we finally go to leave they’re all up next to each other sitting on the steps. We walk back to the car all together and the ride home is quiet and awkward. We drop off the girls and after I tried to talk to her again she basically cut me short to leave.

So I go home with Rickey to get my car and he tells me she was texting him at the table in Gringos. I kind of figured as much but the thing was what she was texting him…she basically told him that she liked him right then and there while I was sitting across the table from her and she picks the worst time to do so. Now bare in mind this is a girl who had agreed to go out with me that next week and who had given me her number willingly too.

Old me, me from before 2007 would be manning the battle stations getting ready to make her world crumble around her. The me now is…more adult, tamer and I’m not doing anything but telling her friend why I can’t be around them for a while. I like her friend and her birthday is coming up soon—I’d love to go but I can’t. I can handle rejection but I can’t be asked to be in a room with someone so inconsiderate and I don’t think I would be able to handle her trying to do whatever it is that she would be doing in the situation so I’m bowing out.

Funny part of the story is that if she wanted Rickey to like her she pretty much de-valued herself and if she were to come back to me and want to try again I wouldn’t have her because she showed how horrible her manners are. It’s funny what people do while completely sober and in the heat of the moment. Remember girls, not every guy out there is chasing ass and tits…some of us want our women to have a mind, a heart, some value other than their looks.

Something pretty and otherwise worthless is still worthless.

The New Camera

2011-10-26T06:06:00.001-05:00

Met a girl at a party the other night thought I don’t think I have the means to really chase after anyone right now. The Russian girl and I are pretty much done because she didn’t understand that I couldn’t drive seventy miles to come see her every day after I had been at work ten hours.

But enough of that, I got to debut the new camera at the party and Rickey was debuting his new costume. Here is how things turned out.

R.I.P. Carlen 2001-2011

2011-10-25T17:29:00.001-05:00

Carly was the first dog I had that was honestly my own. She was a puppy when we got her and her sister and she was always the adventurous one. She loved to climb and was friendlier and sweeter than her sister Tina.

I don’t think I’ve ever seen a dog with more personality. There were her little quirks like loving to ride in golf cars or tractors or putting clothes in her own water bowl for whatever reason. She was just a really odd dog, but she was smart and loved and anyone who came over couldn’t help but play with her.

My mom called me Saturday to say Carly had died and we really didn’t go to find out how. But I knew I needed to bury her. I couldn’t touch her body I had to have a friend help me and I put her out back on top of a small hill (she liked to be up high). I think I feel a little silly because I miss her so much and its embarrassing I guess but I don’t care, I really loved her and she was just a great dog. I went out with friends Saturday night to help me not think about it but its bothering me and it will for a while. I really, honestly loved Carly and people might find it stupid to say that because they think she was just an animal or she probably didn’t understand love.

But Carly had a way of acting like she understood. Back when Tina died years ago she was so sad and she wouldn’t go outside in the dark alone for about a year and a half because that was where something got Tina. If you said Tina even years later she would just look at you. And when I was down she would come and just cuddle up and there’s some comfort in that. So here’s to Carly, you’ll be missed girl.

Long Overdue

2011-10-20T12:12:00.001-05:00

I went ahead and purchased an iPOD and a Canon SLR camera, both things I have wanted for a long while now. The thing is that I want to get back into photography and that was what held me back, lack of a real camera. So expect this place to become more laden with photos. Except pretty girls, couples, kids laughing, beaches, shitty sunsets, very little of my stupid face and a lot of new stories.

I’ve lined up some friends to help me in the form of models…lets see how this works out.

About What’s Been Going On

2011-10-18T01:44:00.001-05:00

I’m in and out of the house it seems like a lot more lately. I think that part of it was not having a computer to anchor me here for that little bit of time but I think there’s something to be said about the other things I’ve been trying to do now.

The whole dating thing is okay, that’s the only word I can use for it. Okay. I mean it occupies time but I can tell as of right now my heart’s not in it and the only girls I seem to be able to fall head over heels for are the ones I know right off the bat I can’t have.

For the weekend I stopped writing because I was just stressed and didn’t feel in the mood to deal with tearing my own work apart and dissecting the subtle nuances of something I wrote. I need to get back into the swing. I need to come out with my hands up and knock this one out of the park because its all I can do.

Work’s taking a toll on me though. I used to be able to maintain a pleasant demeanor through anything but people seem so careless and there’s no end to their difficult nature. They want you to help them but don’t want to listen or do anything. They want the problem fixed but hate the solution no matter how simplistic…

I’ve run out of false sympathy for people who can’t get a remote to work because they’re too dumb to follow instructions.

This is just an update, just a little bit about how I’ve been. So I guess that’s that.

R.I.P. Monica 2008-2011

2011-10-17T01:56:00.001-05:00

Well my computer, jokingly named Monica, finally kicked the bucket about a week ago. If you’re wondering what I am typing this on…let’s just say its her younger, hotter, faster sister. Though as of yet she doesn’t have a name yet.

Luckily I retained my files and monitor (I have two of them side by side now) and this new computer is actually pretty fast. Only issue is my old hard drive locked some of my files to protect them and I can’t get at some of the pictures and videos.

This also slowed my editing process down a lot. I printed out the first copy of my novel a while back, the most expensive copy anyone will probably every buy of it. (It cost me 30$)

It was done at Kinkos/Fed Ex and its basically a spiral notebook with fancy paper my novel is printed on. I actually think this will be my new editing tradition. As of right now, I’m at page 125/199 so I’ve made good progress!

October Air

2011-10-02T02:56:00.001-05:00

Around this time of year I always feel renewed and just so alive. Its because of the cold, I know. I work in reverse. If I have seasonal depression it’s the sun and the heat that take their emotional toll on me. I feel like a new man when the mercury dips below sixty for that first time and the whole world feels like magic.

The date is tomorrow and I’m excited. We talked on the phone some tonight and I feel like if I can pull this off then I can make it through another week of Hell at work.

Sorry, but my job feels so meaningless. Like I’m doing the same thing, solving the same problems and I can look right there and see the person has been calling because they keep causing the problem and even if they never call again I will get the same problems over and over.

I’m good at my job dammit, but there’s not much to be good at. I can do most things without the aid of the steps and scripts and that frees me up for working on plotting out writing and occasionally reading. Things will get better. I know it.

Met a Girl/Review Blog

2011-10-01T05:29:00.001-05:00

I met a girl.

She’s twenty-two and moved here from Russia about two years ago and she seems really nice. There’s a slight language barrier but its not enough to keep me from talking to her and its definitely not enough to over shadow the fact that she’s pretty and sweet.

With my latest ventures in relationships being kind of failures every since the break up…whenever that happened. I don’t remember all that well, but since then I’ve had a hard time attracting the right kind of girls until now.

Sometimes I worry that I don’t care enough about certain things. When I was broken up with, I went home and played games and talked to my best friend, I even forgot to tell him at first. Some of you still don’t know because I didn’t bother to make it a big deal. I have a better memory when I last talked to Maddy than when I broke up and I guess its just because my friends who I have known a while mean more to me.

But then when someone hears that, they feel like I’m in the wrong for not being all sad and getting down on myself. I didn’t get mad at the girl or try and fight to keep her. I just said okay, its fine. And that was it. I wonder how I would have reacted four years ago?

This new girl seems really cool and I’m going to the zoo with her Sunday. Her idea, you all know how I hate being outside and animals larger than myself.

In other news I think I might assemble a review blog, find people to help me review stuff and use it to get my opinions out there. I wish I had thought of this before this season of Doctor Who, so now I’ll be stuck reviewing American TV…oh well.

Response

2011-09-26T12:28:00.001-05:00

Thanks to them canceling last minute overtime I got to sleep a little longer than I would normally have. Though it only seemed to barely matter.

As it turns out, I think I am ready to just give up on talking to that girl from work. She seems to be the kind of person that I just wouldn’t get along with and on top of that she has a nasty habit of ignoring me and I’m not going to spend my time trying to get some girl’s attention…

The way I see it, ignoring someone whom you don’t know when they speak directly to is a pretty childish thing to do and if someone doesn’t have the common manners to act on the base instinct to respond I don’t think I will have the patience to put into her.

I don’t want to go the route of that one friend of mine and act like he’s God’s gift to women and they should all come to him bearing gifts. But when I try and make normal conversation with you the least you could do is respond.

And I know that the way things are with the internet and text messaging, culture has become about when and when not to respond. But it seems like she only added me on facebook and responds to me at work so that I won’t ask why she didn’t respond or pester her. If the case is she thinks I’m pestering her well then I guess we don’t need to talk anymore.

Prison Term

2011-09-24T15:29:00.001-05:00

Before any of you jump on me about my support of Obama, let me say this is not about that. This is about the racism, hatred and bigotry often directed at him in a way that is undeserved and just outright stupid. I claim no political allegiance and do actually agree with some conservative ideas. But I feel like these people are not just a bad representation of Conservatism and Americans...they're a bad representation of human beings.
This is a real post from facebook and these comments have not been doctored in any way. It was posted on my wall by someone whom I've deleted from my friends list but I thought it was important that people online see what kind of people are out there and understand what racism and hared look like.
And this is actually publicly shared anyone with or without facebook can see it:

http://www.facebook.com/photo.php?fbid=2079629109537&set=p.2079629109537&type=1&ref=nf

BTW, anyone ever notice the direct correlation between being a racist and being bad at photoshop?

Give and Get

2011-09-24T15:26:00.001-05:00

Just that fast I feel like I can actually function again. I slept for the better part of a day and took some Nyquil, that worked out very well for me.

So I was looking over some things on Facebook and I noticed someone whom I used to be friends with was posted in a picture by another person. I haven’t spoken to her in years, though we used to be friends. I drove her to work and even developed a crush on her roommate. What was odd about the whole thing was the way it ended.

I gave her and the roommate gifts for Christmas, sweaters. I had only wanted to get one for the roommate, but I decided to do it for both. Some boyfriend she had at the time got jealous and angry with her over it and she blamed me for her boyfriend’s lack of confidence despite the fact that she knew I had no interest in her. She later said it was my fault that we weren’t friends even though I never tried to stop talking to her.

What I find odd about all of this is how people will be so quick to forget any good you did for them and any of the fun you had. I even tried talking to her years later and she completely ignored me, even when a mutual friend asked her about it (I didn’t tell him too, he did it on his own).

Not really sure why I should even mention this here. In all honesty I wouldn’t want to be this person’s friend anymore and I ultimately gave more than I ever got back out of her. I guess what bothers me is that I feel like the kind of thing that happened sort of reflects a lot of the relationships with friends I have had over the years. This one not even being the most noteworthy.

Sick

2011-09-24T01:25:00.001-05:00

I have been sick since Tuesday, but the last two days have been the worst over all. I had to stay home from work because I just couldn’t muster the energy to move around and I couldn’t see straight. I had a fever and I haven’t eaten since about thirty hours ago because I just don’t feel hungry. I know I need food, I understand that but all I seem able to really want to do is drink things like water or juice.

From about six in the morning till nine at night I was sleep. I don’t think I’ve ever moved around so little in my life. I feel like I’m on the up swing from it all right now. My body isn’t quite as sore and besides a mild headache and a cough I feel much, much better. By tomorrow I need to be 100%, I have to work five till ten.

I guess I had better attempt to find some food.

Uneducated Guessing

2011-09-22T12:47:00.001-05:00

The problem I have with discussing things with people online is the high tendency that they have toward saying something that is a completely uneducated guess.

Please, don’t use logic or reason when talking with me. Just throw all your crazy in a blender, press purée and see what comes out!

Soldier On

2011-09-22T02:58:00.001-05:00

The with which I am floored by something still shocks me. The things that open old wounds are astounding. I was using my phone today and in going through one of my apps I ran across something that just caused me to sit in the car and think.

It’s hard when you remember someone or something you don’t want to. I’ve lost friends and family and sometimes even just thinking about a time when you had something you shouldn’t have squandered can temporarily tear you down.

I came home on a mission after that.

I had to get some work done. I had to make myself get back on my feet and continue to plow through it. Despite the sore throat and my lack of desire to eat due to the sore throat, I can still put my fingers on this keyboard. I can still write.

And now the novel has surged past the one hundred thousand work mark again. Looks like its back to trimming.

And back to soldiering on.

Luther Review Part One

2011-09-19T02:42:00.001-05:00

I don’t usually review anything, I thought I wouldn’t be one of those blogs that did that but then again I have had this thing for several years now and maybe I need to switch it up a little bit.

I’ve watched the first three episodes of Luther over the last few days and am working my way through the fourth right now. All I can say is as a police procedural its brilliant and as a show its brilliant. The basic gist of the show is that John Luther played by actor Idris Elba is a detective who gets too passionately involved in his cases which has caused him to have a history of instability in both his work and personal life.

Probably the single greatest thing I can say about this is that its unpredictable at times. I am usually good at seeing what’s up around the bend but this one throws some unexpected punches in there. The acting is fantastic and really the atmosphere is too. I would say anyone who loves a good thriller, a good psychological drama or a good cop show will love this.

And when I finish the first season I will tell you my thoughts.

Home Stretch

2011-09-14T21:20:00.001-05:00

I’ve been working back over the story slowly and there’s been something jumping out at me all over the place. My story has the thematic makings of a Cosmic Horror story more than I could have ever imagined.

About a week ago I made the choice to go that route because I noticed a few things that matched up. Now that I am reading back over this I keep finding more and more.

The actual editing is going very slowly because I find it hard to read my own writing. I am better about it and more impartial all this time later. But the more I look into it the more I realize I need to get cracking and really buckle down to get something done. Most novels, I would imagine, die at this stage. There’s so much work in editing and most of writing seems to be in the editing.

So now I’m actually on my way to making this work. I just have to keep it up.

More Writing

2011-09-11T02:40:00.001-05:00

I am thinking I need someplace to review the stuff I watch. I have a lot to say and it seems that watching some movies and shows really puts me in a reviewing mood. Doctor Who was amazing and it really has got me thinking that I might want to get in on this web reviewing thing, why not.

I will try and think on that a while and in the meantime I’ll work on my own writing.

Lately I’ve been reading a lot of Neil Gaiman, the man’s a master of using a little but making it go a long way. And watching Doctor Who and Sherlock recently has really taught me that writing and shows and movies just need emotion. Bad ass plots and characters will get you a long way, but emotion will elevate you to an entirely new plane.

Reading has always helped me to write better. It’s kind of like it charges me up. Part of me has garnered a new respect for the Cosmic Horror Story and I want to incorporate elements of that genre into my own writing. I think that it really fits with the backstory that’s already there and it would make sense with what I’m doing.

But the really important thing I want to do is make sure that the emotion is there, because without that I don’t think anything else matters.

Well Drawn

2011-09-07T16:57:00.001-05:00

I was hunting around Danboru the other day for a poses and came across these. Not sure who drew them, not sure what they’re from but they are very, very well drawn. Not sure if there is much else to say about it.

The Death of Thinking

2011-09-06T02:16:00.001-05:00

It’s becoming so obvious why we don’t have more smart television. The viewing audience is entirely too stupid to understand what they’re watching most of the time. When you look back at the popular shows over the last few years they have been rather devoid of intelligence in a lot of ways. Take Lost where they really didn’t answer half the ideas that they poised.

It’s worrying because Doctor Who is starting to suffer the same fate as so many other smart shows, the fans are revolting because of it and some of them are calling things plot holes when they’re just missing the plot…entirely.

Writing my own book has caused me to worry about the whole “is the plot too ambitious” thing and I really think that its sad you have to worry about that. A lot of the time what you’re aiming for isn’t that lofty. It’s just that people are so used to pretty graphics and plots filled with clichés being spoon fed to them to get them through their TV time.

Thinking is something that’s dying out in entertainment media.

Team TARDIS

2011-09-05T16:01:00.001-05:00

I just wanted to post this gif because I love it:

I still hate Tumblr.

Just a Preference?

2011-08-31T17:41:00.001-05:00

“It’s not racism, its just my preference—I don’t date X men/women.”

You hear people say this, see them say it on sites and some obviously think it by how they act about things when it comes to race and dating. The “its not racism…” opener usually means you’re about say something at least vaguely racist. Saying “I’m not racist but Chinese people are mean” doesn’t make you not racist.

I understand preferences in looks, we all have them. But you mean to tell me that if you met someone of a certain race that was perfect except for they were a race that’s not your preference, you would drop them based on that one thing. There’s attractive people of every race, so its hard to say you couldn’t find one in that race. And the idea of worrying about what others think about you is actually rooted in racism too.

When you look at the preference thing, I usually don’t find far eastern Asian women that attractive but if I found the perfect women for myself and she happened to be Asian I would be a fool not to speak to her based on race.

I think people need to get out of their boxes of conventionalism and look more to being open minded in ways that actually mean something. “Not my preference…” sounds like an excuse for you to be racist without having to say so and if you’re not willing to at least give someone a look because they happen to be white, black, Asian, Hispanic, Arabic or whatever…then you should just call it what it is.

The News Cycle

2011-08-28T10:03:00.001-05:00

The twenty four hour news cycle is destroying America.

Doctor Who

2011-08-27T06:21:00.001-05:00

I am beginning to think that Doctor Who is my perfect show. I just can’t imagine it being better than when I’m curled up watching Matt Smith and Karen Gillian run around.

Unattainable

2011-08-26T04:15:00.001-05:00

She is smart, quirky, gorgeous and personable. Her creative side is alive, flamboyant and in-your-face. She’s got a following of friends and a good-girl past that’s sent ripples through the surface of everything she does. I’ve never witnessed her being nasty or rude to someone and she’s always been respectful and nice to me.

The woman is unattainable perfection. That awkward duckling who grew up to be everything I crave in a friend and another person. I can’t tell her this because for the past six years or so we’ve been pretty much just friends even when we were out for Valentines or talking on the phone late at night.

There are the kinds of friends you feel like you deserve and the kind of girls whom you think you could get, she’s never been either.

And what keeps me from hoping for more, truthfully, is the fact that she and I are unfathomable together. But she’s a good friend, supportive, helpful and true.

It seems like when I’m dealt someone truly amazing that I want to keep around its always got these dire consequences attached.

Daughters

2011-08-23T03:44:00.001-05:00

For as long as I can remember wanting to get married and have kids, I’ve always wanted daughters and not sons. Now I know that to most men the idea of having a daughter isn’t want they want to do. For some it might be because they fear the bad karma of what they did to women coming back on them.

I really can’t say I’ve done too much to women.

The scary thing to me about having a little girl and the fact that she would have to grow up is the kind of things that happen with boys, the kinds of things kids do when they’re in love or when they think their in love and the need some other kids have to take advantage of that. It can hurt being a guy, but it always seemed like the shame that was lumped on my friends that were girls was always worse than it would have been in the same situation for boys.

And that’s what scares me, the fact that in 2011 the world is showing no sign of being where it should be where women are concerned. We have cases of women being cheated out of their money in the work place, we have cases of young girls being made to apologize to their rapists in person and we have a society that shuns a man for engaging in dog fighting and champions one who has beaten his girlfriend to the point she goes to the Hospital.

I don’t want my little girl growing up in a world like this one. Hell, I don’t want my little boy growing up in it.

The Problem with Video Games

2011-08-21T03:35:00.001-05:00

At least in the modern sense, video games are moving more toward the multiplayer online genre than they are the play at home alone games. It used to be something that you did alone and there was sometimes a story, sometimes it was you versus the computer and that’s it and sometimes you even learned something, that was rarer. Recently though the whole thing is about playing against others in competition and really I feel like it’s a bit of a waste because there was so much potential in the stories that could be told and the things that could be done but its often squandered on these new games without any story at all. So much so, that games that do have stories throw something together just to sell with the multiplayer component.

It seemed like I used to put so many hours into a game…and get something cool out. What do I have to show for winning against a bunch of people I don’t know? There’s no story, the characters are usually clichés or archetypes propped up to give some appearance of character or style.

I feel like there’s little to no incentive to make a story when the average person only plays the game to unlock something. It feels like an entire aspect of a medium is dying…

Pandora

2011-08-20T05:36:00.001-05:00

Not the planet from that shitty movie.

I’m talking about the music application and website. Its seriously one of the best inventions in recent years online. I would say since You Tube. I mean I spend so much time listening to it and its easily better than the real radio. For one I’m not subjected to endless commercials or bullshit I don’t want to hear.

Pandora is the future.

Good Things [Don’t] Come to Those Who Wait

2011-08-17T03:06:00.001-05:00

I can’t really understand the whole thing people say about not looking for relationships and that’s when you find them. It’s the common little phrase, “once you start looking that’s when you find someone.”

It’s bullshit, you don’t normally find anything by not looking for it. I think that the only way to get something good is to work for it, not sure why relationships would be any different.

Just Exhausted

2011-08-13T17:13:00.001-05:00

I’m at the point that I don’t know if I can deal with people’s BS anymore and really I would think I wouldn’t have to most of the time but it’s a constant issue. People are too busy telling you all of the minor details of something you don’t care to know or they’re preaching at you about something that if you had wanted advice on you would have asked.

Having time off from work is a blessing that I really don’t think I can be thankful enough for, at the same time I don’t know how I make it through the days at work some of the time. Jobs shouldn’t be there to place undue stress on you and then pay you too little for what you do.

I’m working it out in my head, which is all I seem to ever be doing. But I need to find another course of action, what I really want is out of this state—in every since of the word. It’s strange to be proud and love a place for so many reasons and hate it at the same time. It seems that realistically it is people that ruin everything. They ruin jobs, they ruin good shows, books and movies; and more often than not they make things harder for, and ruin each other.

Most of all I’m tired of trying in a lot of ways too.

Stay Safe

2011-08-09T07:31:00.001-05:00

I doubt you’re reading this but things are bad over in your country right now and people really can’t seem to agree why. Some of them are blaming race while the good money is on poverty. I heard it didn’t get so bad in your own city, but I am not sure where you’re at exactly right now…so this is just me saying despite everything that’s happened you’re still in my prayers and I hope to God you’re okay and safe through all of this.

Stay safe, M.

Forward From July

2011-08-07T20:39:00.001-05:00

For a moment I wasn’t sure if I would come back here. July was a very hard month and there’s nothing harder than thinking for so long you’ve lost all ability to care only to find out how very wrong you are. I lost my Grandmother and a friend all in one month, I wasn’t sure what I was going to do with the changes and all I can tell now is that there will be a hole in my life. One I don’t think I can cover up.

I went through a breakup too, though that effected me less than any break up ever has. I was proud of myself for how I handled it considering that it happened right after I had gotten back from the funeral. I used to think I weak when it came to those things, but I guess I’m not.

Losing one of my best friends after all of this though, it felt like having my heart ripped out and I didn’t know what response to take and use. I’ve chosen to do what I’ve always done…with one distinct difference, I’ll make her proud. Even if I never speak to her again, I’ll make sure of that. Because I was always proud of her and I always thought she was a good friend, I still do.

It seems July has been a bad month for all, the economy on the verge of collapse, the Middle East seems to be boiling back over into a state of deeper war, and countless other problems. I know in the large scope of things I’m not that bad off. But doesn’t someone saying that kind of piss you off? I mean it doesn’t matter that you’re not, it still hurts and even if you know people are suffering more—is that supposed to make you feel better?

What kind of sick fuck revels in that?

All I can say is that there’s one other thing to do: love. I love my friends, even those I can’t talk to. Even if all I can do for them is pray. And, yes, that even means you, you brilliant girl. Because you taught me more about myself and life than I can repay you for. And my family and friends here, I can huddle them closer, because let’s face it. It’s an ever dwindling number. And I can write, I need to write its all I have in me that can solve my problems now. Writing is a way out of this life, it’s a way to make something of myself and for myself. It’s a way I can take pride in something I’ve done and have those around me feel proud too.

Stepping back and taking a look at my life, all I can say is that there will come a day, hopefully soon, when I can actually feel I’ve done something right and maybe then I’ll see what others are talking about when they mention me.

Writings and Kay

2011-07-20T09:59:00.001-05:00

I don’t know when I started to fail so hard at writing a lot. I guess it has to do with the work and the like. But I need to get back in the game and do something more ambitious and like what I was doing before. So that’s what today is about.

It doesn’t matter if its fan fiction or more novel work, but I need to be writing.

I had about a three hour conversation with an old friend the other day. And we chatted about all manner of things. Hell, before that we talked on texts half of the day and it just felt really good to hear from her and hear her voice again and it kind of reminded me of what I loved about old times talking to her, I wish we could talk like that all of the time again.

It feels really good to have another person who writes to talk to, even if its just us talking about bullshit. I feel like we have common ground and a similar place to start from. She and I met at that awkward stage in my life when I needed someone who was of like mind and she was but I always felt like she was my better—still do. She was beautiful and smart and just seemed super ambitious and those are things (with the exception of beautiful) that I’m still really chasing after.

Beauty I don’t think I could achieve within reason plus its strange to be a beautiful man really.

Actress/Model/Whatever…

2011-06-22T04:44:00.001-05:00

Been going through and looking for people who were appropriate to model the look of characters after. Its kind of a hobby of mine, I mean no other way to describe it, I kind of like the idea of going through all of the pictures of well known and not-so-well-known people and just think “they look like X from my story” or “they look like what I would imagine X to look like from this”.

Its kind of like when I first saw Bonnie Gruesen and I thought she looked more like what I pictured Hermione to be than what I’d seen most places. Its kind of the same for my own story. Sometimes I see people who embody the character more than my own imagination.

Sadly I have lost some pictures, like the one of Lewis. But I do have two to show. One of Holly and the other of one of my D&D characters, Cissinei.

Kind of a lame blog, I know huh? Anyway, let’s get started with Miss Cissinei Saint-John

These are, of course, pictures of a girl in modern clothing. But Cissinei is actually from a world closer to 14-16th century Europe. The girl in the photo’s is Nicole Weaver, an actress.

The other person I was talking about, Holly Prescott, from the novel (the one I should be working on right now) basically looks like this.

This is actress Louise Brealey of Sherlock fame. Though the shows only like three episodes and they need to make more because I’m running out of things to watch.

Well that’s all for now.

They Can’t All Be Homosexual

2011-06-19T00:49:00.001-05:00

Before there’s any trouble at all, I want to make it clear that this isn’t a slight at homosexuals or anything like that in the least bit. This is strictly a thing that has to do with a trend that seems to have gotten worse and worse over my years on the internet, which is basically every since it got to be the popular thing to do.

I remember with some fondness when the Fan Fiction.net site initially launched and it was probably the most glorious collection of fiction I had ever seen. Everything I liked to watch and read and play had stories on that site and possibilities seemed endless. I wasn’t there when Deviant Art launched but I joined in mid 2005 and have been going back every since. But you don’t have to have seen those sites to notice the trend I’m going to talk about although it will help.

What I mean to make mention of is how there is this very apparent trend of turning every set of characters into homosexuals. Characters that have little more to prove there’s any attraction than the fact they hang around each other. Not sure if there’s any numbers, but when it comes down to it I feel like the men on men stories are much more common than women on women, and while there’s nothing overtly wrong with these stories even, the obsession seems unnatural and it even seems to think that there’s some chance that there couple will see fulfillment on screen.

Now I really won’t go into talking about anime because they often add in little gay bits and little bits for every set of possible couples to boost their readership, it’s a bit of a sad trick and a cheap way to get readers, but its what’s going on in things like Naruto where no matter what the writer might do, there will more than likely be no real couples at the end of the story.

When I talk about this I mean shows like Doctor Who and people thinking the Doctor belongs with the Master. Or those people out there who love the Draco Harry pairing, which usually has some kind of abuse attached to it, there are Sonic and Shadow pairings out there and really just about any pair of male characters, good or bad, has a following for their pairing.

Despite most of them having no hint at all of being gay. I can’t get there the idea for this comes from but a lot of the time it seems to say something sort of bad about gays even though the girls who love the stuff (mostly its girls it seems) will swear its positive about gays.

Tell me how is it positive to portray gays as abusive, sex crazed monsters, much of the time the gay relationship is set off by someone evil, the Master, Shadow, Draco or Doctor Moriarty from Sherlock (The BBC show). Granted there were some parts that suggested and joked about Sherlock being gay, but the show creators meant them as a joke. But the internet seems to be filled with art of Watson and Sherlock and Moriarty having threesomes and the like.

The Wikipedia article on Sherlock has this to say:

Some dialogue in the first episode suggested that in this version the character Sherlock Holmes is homosexual. For instance, Holmes responds to Watson's query about his relationship status with "Girlfriend? No, not really my area". Their landlady apparently believes they are a couple, informing them "There's another bedroom upstairs ... that is if you'll be needing one". Steven Moffat denied any sexual relationship is implied between the two, while Cumberbatch says that they "do allude to the idea that there may be a 'misunderstanding' from other people who think we're a couple". Moffat continued, "It's just that thing of two blokes hanging around together living together – in this nice modern world it leads to people saying, 'Oh, are they a couple?' And that's nice. I thought how the world has changed, there is no disapproval. How much more civilized the world has become".

Now I know that its not just a new interpretation thing. In the past people have expressed thoughts that Iago from Othello might be homosexual and there were people who pointed out homosexual tendencies and allusions in the in Victor Frankenstein and his Monster. It seems that in classic literature that there is usually more to go on than there just being two men and in these cases often the character seem as the one with the longing isn’t in a relationship or ever shown to have one that really goes anywhere.

In many of the examples above the characters are shown to be straight and there’s usually not the same kind of duality between them as there is between someone like Othello and Iago.

And more importantly, when you look at the modern examples it seems that the biggest part of the relationship is the sexual aspects. The deepness and spirituality of things rarely makes it into all of these stories and pieces and a lot of the time being gay is treated as all cakes and rainbows and no one in these fictional worlds seems to question how this came about or why there was no sign of it before when it does happen.

Maybe somewhere out there people have really researched this trend and typed up some kind of distinct report about what’s going on and why and where it came from. It would be nice to know that this isn’t something I’ve just imagined, though I’m sure its not. It would also be nice to know I didn’t notice it alone.

Does anyone else think its just some silly trend that will pass or at least come with better writing as and reasons as it goes on? Or will it become more prevalent and totally without reason IE: characters that have never interacted are suddenly commonly gay for each other and recognized as such across the fandom?

The Midnight Disease

2011-05-08T15:53:00.001-05:00

I don’t really like this notion that there’s not a good reason to be up after a certain time or that anything going on after 12 AM is sinister. I went through this argument with my parents and pretty much every older person I know. They have this old world idea that top be a good, productive member of society that you need to be up by eight in the morning for some reason.

Even though anyone who lives in a modern country should know that’s rubbish.

There are twenty-four hour pharmacists and other businesses where someone has to be manning the store or working the place. Emergency rooms are open all night, where would we be with out round the clock Police, Fire and other workers like that?

And as I’ve said it before, I write better a night. When its two in the morning I feel like I’ve hit a real stride and I’m on the way to penning something better than I would at two in the afternoon. Writing has been called The Midnight Disease and rightfully so. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with someone for wanting to be up at night, I don’t think it makes their intent more sinister.

Hell, if we’re going to talk about sinister, all of the bankers and the like that helped to profit from the failures of others were probably working nine to fives like society says they should, how sweet of them.

I’ll continue to live by the schedule I keep now until some change in my life that actually makes sense dictates otherwise. I will make sure that there’s nothing from outside influencing something as simple as the hours I keep and when I choose to work and eat and sleep.

Its Been A Long Time

2011-05-07T15:25:00.001-05:00

Its been a long time since I really got on this thing and wrote, there’s not much to say right now really. One would assume if I haven’t found time to come on here and talk about my life or anything else, then life must be really good or really bad. Well it’s the former.

But that’s not the reason why I haven’t been around.

Life has been busy, lots of talking on the phone now with the new girlfriend. A lot of working and not enough time at night for me to come in and really write like I want to. I really have a lot to do but I don’t know when life will calm back down to the point that I can do something about it. Especially when it comes to my writing.

I’ve been taking baby steps though, writing a little bit at a time and working my way back up from the beginning. I’ve decided to go back through and rewrite the vital parts and rework some of the rest. I am working on what I want to change and I still want to finish it on the same time scale I have been saying for a while but the difference is I need to work faster now and step my game up to make sure that I meet my own deadline.

Though I’ve never had issue with it before.

A Waste of Time

2011-04-18T02:50:00.001-05:00

I’ve decided that I pretty much want out of the online discussions about most shows I watch. I can’t handle the total abundance of stupidity people have for the material they’re watching and the fact that their opinions don’t drive the show.

You can ask someone for a fact about a show or book or movie and get something that never happened and is completely embellished by their need for X. I could sit here and give examples and break down the difference between what you think and want to happen and what actually has happened. I could talk about how the motivations given in the source material are more than likely right when they are given at all and just because it makes something you want look more likely, doesn’t mean anyone else is going to buy what you’re selling.

But really the issue isn’t all of that, it isn’t even that I think only my opinion is right or that I care so little for the opinions of most people on most things. Its just that half of the discussions amount to arguments about feelings and I don’t want to argue with someone about how I feel over something so asinine.

League of Legends Skins

2011-04-17T04:51:00.001-05:00

I just wanted to stop in and say that I found out that Katie De Soua whom I’ve known about on Deviant Art for some time has been working for Riot games and drawing the art splashes for League of Legends.

You can see the work here.

Holly Commission by Green Desire

2011-04-11T15:10:00.001-05:00

I had Green Desire draw me a commissioned piece of Holly Prescott from the novel. As most of you know I’m always excited to have someone do a commission for me of one of my characters and in the past I’ve posted some of their work, with the link to their pages of course. Well I wanted to post this one and I wanted to say that she is just awesome, the detail that she’s got in these pieces, especially in the fast is nothing short of amazing. Here’s a small version of the Holly picture.

Of course, click her to make it bigger. But that’s still not the full size of what she did really. Here are some detail shots.

Those are full sized detailed images of the face and hands there, I just love her work. Thanks again Green Desire!

Phases

2011-04-09T16:51:00.001-05:00

I am starting to see that the more I have to do and the more I have on my plate the easier it becomes to sort out what I like doing and what’s important. I have limited time during the week when I’m off work so I don’t typically want to bullshit around anymore. And while I love my job it doesn’t leave me much time for the things I have to do such as writing because my ability to write seems to be based on the time of day lately. I can’t do anything worthwhile before nine PM.

I’ve been missing some of my friends though, some of the online ones and some of the ones who have moved away. What’s more shocking is the people I don’t miss, the people I might not see again and it seems I don’t care all that much about it. I guess that could be seen as cruel but many of them were more trouble than its worth.

I got a new phone this week and the first thing I did with it was send a few emails and try some skype calling out, the next thing I did was delete some old contacts. The funny thing is that even though one of my contacts has been dead for over a year and one has changed her number recently I don’t want to delete them for some reason. Both of them are still important to me and one them I still talk to.

Some others I talk to regularly just got the boot, I didn’t care to keep them around because what was there was so superficial and right now I’m just not looking for that.

One thing I want to shoot out there before I go is that my life is entering a new phase, or so I would like to think. I hope things keep looking up because its been years since I could last say they did before this.

Fear Makes For A Delicious News Day

2011-03-24T10:16:00.001-06:00

With the recent Earthquake in Japan and the unrest over seas the one thing that is constantly surprising is how the news tries to make everything about us. Not that these things don’t effect us, they do and they should. But they don’t effect us in the selfish way that many news outlets would have you believe. It used to be that you could watch something like Glenn Beck and get his looniness spread out over the course of an hour but then other shows would be more grounded. Now he’s gotten worse and all other news here seems to be following that trend.

Everything is world ending panic. Everything is going to get us, radiation, terrorists, storms, the economy. Sometimes there’s a conspiracy between groups to get us and other times they’re all just working individually.

Here in Houston they’ve debuted this anchor free news cast that’s little more than the daily news with a voice over from some creepy guy while scary music plays and they fear-monger it up about all of the ways you or your family could die.

And before I wrap this up, on the subject of Glenn Beck. I watched about a ten minute portion of his show the other day. Oddly enough he mentioned France and England but didn’t bad mouth them. Instead he claimed the Germans are plotting to rile up the Middle East with some pictures of dead Muslims from the war zone, like eleven years of that stuff never happened and this is the first time anyone over there has ever been killed, and he’s claiming it’s a German plot to put the world against the US, UK and France.

This man is a stark raving lunatic. He should be doing that show from a padded cell and I think given time, the inevitable conclusion we can come to is that we’re going to turn on the television one night to see Glenn Beck talking to and playing with his dick and he’s going to do that for an entire hour and then say. “Alright Shepard Smith! Back to you!” and that will be it. I don’t know how anyone can listen to and believe this man and his Da Vinci Code-esque rants (they’re about as badly plotted out as the book was too).

News like him is the problem with America.

First Real Day

2011-03-22T10:03:00.001-06:00

My first real day of work wasn’t as bad as I thought it would be, it really went by fast too. Right now I’m gearing up for my second go at it.

Writing Again

2011-03-19T08:53:00.001-06:00

I woke up this morning at 7 AM with a renewed need to edit and tear into this thing, I just needed to make it the best I could and hope that I ironed out all of the mistakes before I let anyone else see it. The notes left there by Tacia really help because they’re pretty much the only feedback of a specific nature I’ve received.

When I was talking with her last night I mentioned how it was odd, I had never been protective of writing before and I usually was more willing to let others see it but with this its not like that at all. She just said, “Well its your baby,” and I guess in a way she’s right. The story has gotten more work put into it than the previous ones and it shows in the details and things I’ve included and the notes I continue to make between calls at work and the little scenarios I dream up in the hopes I will be able to use them in future installments.

When I left off I was nearing the end of the tale with this first round of edits but I don’t know, I became too distracted and disheartened. With this renewed goal of pressing on through to the end, I figure I can clear some ground and have the story in a readable, respectable form in a matter of weeks before I go back and do some MAJOR edits.

Circumstances

2011-03-17T16:01:00.001-06:00

I think we all hit those moments in time when we realize we’re sliding into territory we’ve been in before. We have to strive not to base our current predicaments on the past, because circumstances aren’t ever really the same. But at the same time we’re going to always look back at the last time and what happened, wondering what went wrong—if it did indeed go wrong. And if it went right, we might be trying to replicate that.

There really isn’t much in the way of “right” examples that I have to base things on and we really don’t get many second chances with the same situations or people. So I’m looking hard and evaluating everything right now, meticulously picking over the subtle nuances of the things that are going on right now and trying to understand what I can do to put things in my favor.

Work is hard, especially because I have realized more and more that a lot of the things working against you are based on the customers perception of you and sometimes you really can’t help that.

Honestly I like the work most of the time but I worry about the security of a job like that and it makes me want to fight to advance to a position where I’m not at risk for that so easily. Then there’s this other thing, probably something I really shouldn’t have on my mind at all and I’m trying my best to think of a reason not to act on it or even think about it (admittedly it will be better when I’m out of training) but there’s this girl who works with me and I just think she’s really cute.

Oddly enough she makes me really nervous, but I don’t even know how to act on something like that in a workplace setting so I am pretty afraid to even progress that. And if I did do anything with it, it seems like the kind of place where some sophomoric bullshit could ruin your relationship if not careful.

Tomorrow is the last day of my training, so that fixes one small part of one problem, but the overwhelming majority of the stuff is still going to be of issue.

What Are We Coming To?

2011-03-14T03:14:00.001-06:00

It’s worrying to me the state of people. When I consider the kinds of things that people say and think are okay. For instance I went on an anime forum I used to frequent and was just reading the section meant for real world news. Never mind the fact that all too often the things in there pertaining video games and other BS like that get more rage and attention than news about people being murdered or brutally raped.

But when someone’s first reaction to the Earthquake in Japan is to say “I hope this won’t effect my manga this week” all I can think is I wish someone would kick them in the throat. Hard.

That kind of asinine attitude is just the kind of thing that shows the deplorable selfishness that seems to be everywhere. To add onto that, a friend of mine seems to have killed herself, I’ve been absent from the internet a lot lately and she left the suicide note on her Deviant Art. We weren’t really close, but I’m made madder by the fact that people were egging her on to kill herself and talking about how she didn’t matter…how it didn’t matter that her father was basically evil to her and her mother and all the pain he had caused in her life. They teased her about her feelings toward herself and her feeling of self worthlessness.

And to them this was a joke and it was funny and they didn’t have remorse for it, I’d doubt they had remorse for her being dead if they knew. I hope that the note was a fake, or she didn’t do it or at the very least someone found her and stopped her before it was too late. I know we weren’t the closest but I don’t think that means she deserves to die.

But what I find sadder is that people believe that ANYONE deserves to suffer and die like that.

2011-03-10T23:05:00.001-06:00

It’s hard to feel like you deserve anything, when you don’t feel like you even deserve to get up in the morning.

…

2011-03-07T02:22:00.001-06:00

I thought having a job and something I was good at and doing for more than just the money would make me not hate myself. But I was pretty much wrong. No matter what its always there and I just don’t think this is going to pass like everyone says it will.

And with that realization and the recent events going on around me I’ve lost the last bit of faith I had in others.

Just Two More Days

2011-02-24T19:24:00.001-06:00

My work week ends after just two more days. I’m so excited I’m noting it down here.

Bad Luck

2011-02-21T11:54:00.001-06:00

If I ever had luck, it wasn’t the good kind. I guess it depends on if you believe in that sort of thing. If you think that there’s any merit to how many good and bad things happen to a person on a cosmic scale of some kind. I don’t.

But if I did I would believe I’m ill fated.

The other day, after driving my car for weeks without incident. I was driving out to get some food and I suddenly get a dinging and my dash board is all lit up. Apparently the car was over heating—something its done before and was fixed for recently. Now an entirely new coolant system is acting up and water’s not being pulled from the reservoir into the car.

I looked into it online and it appears that my car has an issue with coolant system troubles.

Right now I can’t afford to fix it, I mean it could be well over 700 dollars so it would take most of my next two checks to do something about it. And I’m hoping its just a hose or thermostat or something simple, but like I said—if I had any luck it would be the bad kind.

So I’m going to give putting water in the car one more try and if that fails I guess I need to explore the thermostat option.

There’s so much else going on, a lot I don’t really want to talk about with anyone and its all internal, I wouldn’t vocalize it. But I hate myself for having these problems and not being able to work them out to any kind of satisfaction.

Regret

2011-02-20T20:44:00.001-06:00

When there’s more turmoil around me I seem to use this place that much more. I just wanted to say that first.

Normally I would have responded to the comments from the last entry in the comment tree itself, but I figured why not just do it here.

The thing is, that I’ve been talked into trusting people again before and giving them another chance and just generally letting all of that back in and every time it ends up the same way. If insanity is doing the same thing over and expecting a new result then why am I doing just that when it comes to trust. I don’t understand the benefit of it, when things are okay, sure it feels fine.

But when it goes bad its not worth it and all you can do is regret what you let happen.

Trust

2011-02-20T02:35:00.001-06:00

I’ve started a new job, which I guess is the big news for me this week but there’s not much to say about it. I hate having to wake up at four AM just to make it there on time but what can I do about it right now?

But writing about work seems to be a waste of my time, no one would be all that interested in it.

The thing that’s been on my mind for some time now is that how I think I’ve been losing the ability to trust people anymore. Be it either because they refuse to trust me no matter how much I show them its okay—its not reactionary, not like I’m trying to get them back—but when someone doesn’t trust you it can be guessed that they might not stick by you when things get rough.

Or it could be that of all the people I have put trust in, the thing that seems to most consistently come from it is harm. I don’t think in any friendship, relationship or anything I’ve ever come out as the person who didn’t get hurt. Its not that I want someone’s feelings to get hurt, but its kind of telling that its always me.

I guess I have no one to blame but myself, if I’m choosing the people I trust I seem to make bad choices or I could just choose to believe that this is just what people do and I’m being naïve and these constant mistakes and the times I get hurt are a lesson…I should be learning to listen and not make the same mistake. Which seems to be trusting others.

Still I’m trying to hang onto it for some people, but I just don’t see that happening at this point.

Tradition

2011-02-14T22:54:00.001-06:00

Not much to say, I am just pretty sure I’ve said things before on this day. I’m about to hit the hay and wanted to say first day on the job complete.

Done

2011-02-11T02:51:00.001-06:00

People keep thinking that when I say I’m done, I’m kidding or that I need to just wait it out. I’m seriously just tired of trying in this.

A Path of Your Own Choosing

2011-02-08T02:50:00.001-06:00

To Whom It Probably Won’t Concern At All:

I’m sure that if you were to read this, which I know you never will, that you wouldn’t even guess it was about you. You seem to guess yourself to be so hated despite the fact everyone seems to like you and you thought yourself loyal though I know people who could easily give testimony to the contrary.

My problem with you lies not just with you refusal to admit that the atrophy of our friendship is your fault. When I asked those times is anything wrong and you claimed it was fine and when I noticed you acting different but things were still fine, I guess you thought me too stupid or unworthy to hear the truth?

I held you in high regard once, not the highest but I trusted you among friends and the more I see now I think that person I thought was once wise beyond their years is concerned more with vanity, Fairytale-esque delusions of love, and popularity.

Don’t worry. My plan’s not to blab to our old friends or call you out right here to make you look bad. I don’t know if you ever extended the same courtesy to me when I was around, though it doesn’t matter. We don’t run in the same circles anymore and judging by the caliber of company you keep now, your bad choices and excuses won’t ever be called into question.

What I give you is, well, its not mine to give. But I feel I can explain it, you see all of the things you wish and hope for will be pretty empty once you get them with the path you’re following. Any job you get that you think you won’t will be hated, any husband you meet will more than likely be chosen on merits that don’t matter in the wrong run and you’re going to look back and probably not think of me or the other people who you pushed out of the way and just wonder why you feel so sad and alone.

I don’t take pride in thinking this or expecting it, but I don’t think I could say you don’t deserve it. It’s a path of your own choosing, after all.

Freeze Over

2011-02-01T01:55:00.001-06:00

It might actually snow here for the second time this year and the third year in a row. I really hope this is the new Ice Age. I’m sick of Texas being so damn hot.

The Social Network

2011-01-31T12:18:00.001-06:00

Watched this movie for the first time the other day and I have to say that what’s most impressive to me about the whole thing is how short a time ago that it all happened. (yes it was well acted and enjoyable and actually very good too) It’s a based on a true story that I remember going on as it went on. I remember when Facebook hit my school in late 2004 and I remember the millionth member.

In fact my school is alluded to in the movie, when they mention that Baylor won’t take Facebook and they need to spread to the schools around Baylor—that was us.

The based on a true story mantra has long been a stable of movies and books, when something is based on real life and yet still dramatic and entertaining it seems someone easier to be enthralled with it and impressed. You show us the story of the youngest billionaire in the world or a man with his arm trapped under a rock and forced to free himself through drastic means and people eat it up.

And I know we’re going to live through more of these “based on a true story” moments that we remember. Maybe we already have. There are countless stories of war accounts, September eleventh, historic rescues, historic cases and criminals and loves and all manner of other things out there someone may write about.

When I think about Facebook as a site (I still remember when it was changed from thefacebook.com) I realize how integrated it is into life and how it was integrated in to college and the social experience. And even with the site’s many changes I find myself strolling around it at times looking at friend connections and just searching for old acquaintances.

The idea seems so simple now, looking back at it. Ideas often do. The things that we use daily and seem to depend on somewhat are those ideas that once had everyone goes “why didn’t I think of this” or “why did no one ever do this before?”

The site’s pretty much established its place as one of those things that just becomes a staple of social life for many people.

Forgotten

2011-01-29T17:02:00.001-06:00

The New Year has been exhausting, I guess this isn’t a good sign—when things start off so much worse than they were the previous year and when life seems to launch everything it can at you at once.

I don’t know what to say here that hasn’t been said before. I miss writing here but I don’t think I have a reasonable stuff to say that will be worth typing out. Lately I’ve buried myself in games and reading and writing and just kind of being withdrawn from others because its more comfortable than dealing with people or missing someone, I don’t think anyone would disagree with that.

For now things seem to be more or less stuck like this and I don’t want to drone on about it, I just wanted to make sure that this place doesn’t look forgotten or left behind.

And We’re Off to This Start…

2011-01-20T17:01:00.001-06:00

So many times I wonder if I have a right to feel like this, inside I miss my friends and I guess rightfully so. But there’s really not much I can do to change anything on my end.

The Problem with Prequels

2011-01-02T23:25:00.000-06:00

With so many prequels having come out in so many forms, like the new Star Wars Trilogy and Fast and Furious 4—and with the threat new Harry Potter books it seems the question of whether or not to prequel will always be something we wrestle with.

There are working Prequels out there, Underworld 3, for instance and Temple of Doom, which most people don’t seem to realize is a prequel. Fast and the Furious 4 works because it does essentially the same thing all of the others do. It’s PG-13 porn, there’s scantily clad women and beautiful cars…

From what I can tell is prequels that work, do so for three reasons—the plot is so thin and dependent on superficial things that its nearly impossible to ruin the larger picture because its all rather base line. Underworld and Fast and the Furious fit into this category. These are watchable films, but there’s not much complex in the way of plot there.

The second reason is because they were planned from the start. The book Mossflower by Brian Jacques is the second book in the Redwall series and is a prequel that is set up by the first book well, it also links the first to the third book. Metal Gear Solid 3 does the same thing. When the prequel is part of the game plan and essential to what comes next, it can work.

Third, and final is the person who made the prequel knew their shit…let’s be honest even authors and directors contradict themselves all of the time. If I were to make you watch Star Wars: A New Hope, Empire Strikes Back and Return of the Jedi you would have an entirely different ide of the Force, of what Jedi could do and of how long the Galactic Empire had been in power. The six movies only fit together if you’re a total fucking retard and don’t pay close attention. Part of the beauty and importance of prequels is they don’t upset what’s there and carefully add to it.

One mistake that’s often made with a prequel is linking everything to some cause to try and better explain the inner workings of things. Anakin/Vader became the center of the universe in the Star Wars prequels. He wasn’t just a misled soul, he was the chosen one and the one who had been foretold and had a virgin birth and all of that…

People have been saying they want Harry Potter prequels, stuff about Harry’s mother and father in school and the other characters there or stuff with young Dumbledore.

Another big culprit for a prequel fuck-up is the antithesis of number two—telling a story we didn’t need to hear. Now admittedly Underworld did this, but it was so fucking cool no one cared they knew how it was going to end. The Star Wars prequels and pretty much anything that can happen in Harry Potter will more than likely fall into this category. Most of the reason why Vader or Sirius Black or any number of other characters like that are so cool is because the reader only saw them for a short time and they heard these great things about the past diluted down through history.

Vader was a great, noble man seduced by the force and a great friend. James Potter was a headstrong youngster who matured into a kind, loving father. For the purpose of their stories, that’s all we need to know about them. Who felt cheated when we had to hear young Vader constantly whining about how he hated Obi-Wan and how he would be the most powerful Jedi ever? Not so noble now, is he?

I would say, as a rule almost, if you have to wonder if the fans want a prequel—you don’t need one. Part of the reason fans want things is because they’re mysterious and that kind of made them cool. Most of the time, they won’t live up to the standard the fans expect. Especially in a worlds swamped by fan fiction like Harry Potter or Star Wars is. It’s better off as a mystery.

Oddly enough, two prequels stand out as exemplarily and so intertwined with their cannon that they are very accepted. Unfortunately both are video games and one is actually Star Wars—Star Wars: Force Unleashed falls just before A New Hope and leads into the first movie. It actually works with cannon, not against it. And Final Fantasy VII: Crisis Core actually makes the mistakes in Final Fantasy VII’s plot make more sense.

More often than not, though, they don’t seem to work.

We Know Your Secret!

2010-12-31T14:42:00.001-06:00

Well, I need to start by saying this is the last of the old year, last of 2010, y’all. And if a lot of people are right, we’ve only got one more of these before the end of the world where the planet bursts into flames or something of the like.

Anyway, I just dropped in for something fun, no reflecting, no whining about the past year. I think that if you wanted to see my year, you could look back through here and check. A lot has changed, but change is a constant and its to be expected.

What I have come to tell you is that Anderson Cooper has been lying to us! Look at him! He was Veela all along.

That lying bastard…

Happy New Years!

NaNoWriMo

2010-12-04T14:48:00.001-06:00

Okay, its not November anywhere in the universe anymore. So everyone should be firmly done with their pledges for NaNoWriMo, right?

I wouldn’t laugh at that statement if I had ever known a single writer who kept to that one month to write a novel thing. But I don’t know a single one. Even the ones who do have the speed. It’s why I find it kind of ironic that people seem to enter into it year after year.

It’s the same issue I have with New Year’s Resolutions. They’re typically the kind of things that we do need to change, but for some stupid reason we feel the need to wait until some arbitrary start date instead of saying, “This ends now! I’m turning things around!”

Let me just say this: anything so unimportant that you can wait until the next year to start working on it…any novel you can wait around until November to write—is probably a waste of time because you weren’t serious in the first place and you’re going to fail at it for that very reason.

And if you think I’m just talking out of my ass, I’ve actually got the speed to do NaNo and actually could hit that magical fifty thousand number this week…with something I started at 11 pm on November 27th. I’m thirty seven thousand words in.

The difference is when I set deadlines, they’re based on my speed. When I set deadlines, they’re set by me. I actually aim to get them done, I bust my ass to do it and I typically start right when I set them.

If you seriously want to write, cut the bullshit and write year round.

Story Stats

2010-12-04T04:26:00.001-06:00

Apparently people like lesbians….

The Constant

2010-11-26T20:46:00.001-06:00

It’s hard to learn you’ve moved past a place or person and they’re no longer needed. Not because you’re vicious toward them or the place, but because they’re just not furthering you being you.

I used to love doing a lot of things, but I realize now that they are more trouble than their worth. I find going on most forums tedious, I don’t like to take long drives without destinations firmly plotted out and I just don’t like a lot o the things I used to.

Then I miss something I don’t think will ever come back. That might be the hardest part of all is that knowing something you love will never be the same or even happen again. I’m glad that the one constant in my life has been writing, that is always enjoyable.

Thank God We Live in the Real World

2010-11-24T01:04:00.001-06:00

This is a real life conversation I just had with my best friend. I omitted the lines about some video on you tube because they bare no relevance to what we were talking about.

Justin says (12:49 AM)

it looks like I will have to draw balls and hand deliver them, if we lived in the Harry Potter world you'd be getting owls day and night, carrying pictures of dicks and balls

PJ says (12:49 AM)

ha. id send Voldemort a pic of my balls

Justin says (12:49 AM)

one of those moving wizard photos. swinging you balls back and forth

PJ says (12:50 AM)

or just me beating off. he would come after my ass that same night

Justin says (12:51 AM)

owl would be a good way to deliver drugs

PJ says (12:51 AM)

or request hookers

Justin says (12:51 AM)

how much cocaine do you think an owl could carry

PJ says (12:52 AM)

not much...the only reason birds can fly is because of how light they are lol

Justin says (12:53 AM)

this conversation is officially legendary

This remarkably juvenile—I know.

Fan Fiction: For Better or Worse

2010-11-22T19:14:00.001-06:00

So it seems I have come full circle and ventured back into an avenue I never thought I would again. That’s right folks, I’ve started to do fan fiction. What makes this so weird is, well I was around back when Fan Fiction.net was new.

Fan Fiction.net is the site I cut my teeth on and with the help of Juliet Singleton I got my real start writing and working out plots and just trying to feel my way around characters. If it weren’t for fan fiction I don’t think I would have this site or be writing.

When I discovered fan fiction it was shortly before the site went online and I honestly thought it was a dream come true. I couldn’t imagine that people who were not published were out there writing stories about shows they liked for nothing more than fun. Fan Fiction does predate the internet and before the circles were actually forced to communicate through more rudimentary ways, like at conventions.

But I loved fan fiction, I neglected work and friends to read the stuff. I printed it out and lived over 8.5 by 11 sheets that I cast onto the floor as I read them. I read them at school and I felt as if they were deserving of more recognition.

Then the unthinkable happened. I was asked to review fan fiction at a site and the more I read over the stuff coming in, the more disgusted I became. Fan Fiction had gone from an honorable thing to something written to indulge in deplorable fantasies. Many of the tales I looked at were rife with rape and mutilation and sexual acts that would make even the most seasoned porn star cringe.

I, by this time had started using my own characters and writing stories in worlds of my own making. The trend of ridiculous sexuality didn’t die down and it was followed closely by the bad characterization that that took the characters I loved and changed them into unrecognizable people who only bore the name and most times the looks of the character they were meant to be.

I resigned from the world of Fan Fiction by the middle of high school. I tried to venture back once or twice over the years and within a few hundred words of starting I was always bored and completely uninterested in continuing.

Flash forward to now, the world of fan fiction isn’t really any better than it was back then. With stories like Little Miss Mary (a Snape/Harry Potter fic that involves cross-dressing and male impregnation to name a few things) and Agony in Pink (a mutilation rape story about the first Pink Ranger) its easy to see that the crazy stuff isn’t just out there…it’s the norm.

Still I am able to look past this and see there is something inherently fun in writing this stuff, and that’s what brought me back.

Definition

2010-11-14T15:45:00.001-06:00

I’ve hit a snag, for so long I defined my life with a set of things that I thought would be a constant. You figure that this is the last thing you’ll ever want to do in this life. The last job you hold, the last person you’ll love, the last house you’ll live in.

It seems to be my nature to make long term plans for things, maybe its just me. But that’s the truth. And I hate change in all honesty. Even if its for the better, even if there’s a chance it could go right I think that something going right scares me, maybe more than something going wrong.

I’m used to things going wrong—I can handle that, its happened so much.

For six hours I sat and scanned pictures out of a box, pictures three and four times my age, pictures of other people’s memories and pasts. Looking back at my step mom, her sisters, her family—I realized that I’m just starting out here and its wrong of me to lay my cards out before they’re dealt. I’ve got maybe sixty good years in me…or with the way I eat perhaps just forty.

Then again, if I have to sit through Batman and Robin again, I could end my life midway through it and that would be a blessing.

Back to My Roots

2010-11-11T22:22:00.001-06:00

I’ve done it.

I’ve lost my fucking mind, its official. I started a Fan Fiction.net account again—well I revived my old account from 2000 and I began posting this on it.

It’s a damn crossover, who would have guessed. That’s practically all I used to write. Things have come full circle, its like dog and cats living together—mass hysteria. I feel fourteen again.

Uneventful

2010-11-09T03:39:00.001-06:00

Today was uneventful. Nothing to report I guess. I wanted to post a really bad ass picture a friend showed me. Its from Harry Potter.

Love it. It’s by this girl Makani, she doesn’t need my promotion but she’s got talent and she deserves more recognition.

Car Wreck

2010-11-07T04:35:00.001-06:00

It feels like the things I fear always come true, so much so that I don’t want to name them here or even out loud for fear that it might bring them fully into being.

But this is comparable to a car wreck, I feel like I’m going to hit a brick wall. I can see it speeding toward me—there’s no way it could move itself (or so it would seem, at least in my situation). And yet I’m surely going to hit it. I’m going to crash and its all going to end.

Sometimes I wonder if there was really ever another way things could have turned out and feel stupid for trying. No matter how hard I work, I’ll just never be some things. It’s the sad fact of life that an overly politically correct.

Though I wonder: is it sad when I truly, whole-heartedly believe that much chances of becoming a published author with some clout are more likely than my finding happiness or love?

I’m not sure what’s worse, the fact that I feel like that or the fact that I care so much. Both seem to be causing equal amounts of pain.

Guilty Party

2010-11-06T02:21:00.001-06:00

I think I’ve figured out what this is I’ve been feeling…guilt. For the past few months something has been happening that I am not sure is my fault and that I’m not sure I have control over. At the same time, I feel like I am to blame and I feel like I should be upset or ashamed by it.

I really can’t say what it is or say for sure what’s going to come from it. Part of me wants to hold onto something, on the other hand if I let it go life might just get easier from here on out.

This is hard to figure out, sometimes you feel something that you want to kill inside of yourself, that you think if you could just get rid of things would be easier. But at the same time you want to hold onto it and you honestly can’t understand why.

Rice and Cheese

2010-11-05T00:13:00.001-06:00

I’ve learned that sometimes the most simplistic things taste best. Rice and cheese is like that, it’s delicious.

Election Day 2010

2010-11-03T20:06:00.001-06:00

It would seem blogs are slow coming from me at the moment. Adjustment period.

So I voted yesterday and much to my surprise it was a longer wait than normal. I spent the time in line reading and catching dirty sneers and looks from people in the line.

I don’t want to say it was due to race, I was the youngest person in the room and the only non-white person too. Not something that’s all that unusual in Texas, but its even more odd when people just hate you for it.

Everyone expects you to vote by race, and often its easier to tell how someone will vote than you will think. Doesn’t I actually think that’s a good thing. Thing is, I’m pretty moderate when it comes to politics and I could have been persuaded to vote for a Republican. But Rick Perry?

God no.

The man wanted us to lave the Union because Obama won. What is it? The 1860s again? What’s more disappointing is that people voted for a guy who stole money meant for Hurricane Ike relief to pay for the Governor's Mansion, tried to talk his way out of speeding tickets on camera, and refused state stimulus money on the grounds that we didn’t need it when we have unemployed here too.

It just shows that people don’t really pay attention to what’s going on.

A Lack of Interest

2010-10-31T18:34:00.001-06:00

There hasn’t been much of me online lately and really there’s been good reason. With the exception of talking to a few, select people—its not nearly as fun. I’ve been reading more, watching movies, writing or doing other things and even when I do get online in the back of my head I quickly feel the need to go back to doing something more productive unless there’s someone there I truly want to talk with.

I’ve read two whole books in the last two weeks and its been a while since I could claim I have done that. While I’ve neglected to finish up some of my other work, I plan to hop back into that but I was burning so hot doing it I did need a little break.

Things are pretty much changing, only not in an interesting enough way to warrant being spelled out here.

Part of me needed to come make a post though—I do want to keep with this blog, regardless of how the rest of the internet seems to be losing interest for me.

Tired

2010-10-24T20:37:00.001-05:00

I just woke up and already I feel like I need a nap again, I don’t know what it is. Lately I feel like I have no energy and circumstances seem to just make it worse.

The Most Adorable Woman on the Internet

2010-10-23T17:26:00.001-05:00

I came across this site when messing around on thatguywithglasses.com. It’s a blog for PushingUpRoses—the content is pretty self explanatory. There’s lots of art, posts with writing to journal type entries.

But look at this girl, she actually manages to be funny, smart and gorgeous—and to top it all off adorable at the same time.

And I know, it has been a while since I have posted. I’ve been immersed in editing. My free time has been spent watching Nostalgia Chick and Nostalgia Critic, reading, and playing games.

Knowing

2010-10-12T21:31:00.001-05:00

If you feel like you could use more depressing shit in your life, pick up a copy of Knowing with Nicolas Cage.

Stick It Out

2010-10-09T18:51:00.001-05:00

The last few days have been hard, I’m thankful I have my editing work to throw myself into, games to play and a book to read. Though I don’t see me being able to go at this pace much longer. I’m in bed as long as I can manage most days and even when I’m up and about I’m tired.

Everything is exhausting, I feel hollow and uneasy. Sometimes I feel sick and other times tired, on a bad day its both.

Life without stress wouldn’t be life at all, this is true. But I don’t think it should have these effects on me. Before I had those periods to cool down but when I’m left with my own thoughts is when things are at their worst. I can’t distract myself or pull myself back to rationality all of the time so in those instances I just have to go to sleep. (like I said, usually am pretty tired any)

I can’t really cast blame for this little slump, I can say don’t worry as much as its hard to admit I plan to stick this out. Even if its here to stay.

Dream a Little Dream of Me

2010-10-05T13:15:00.001-05:00

I was already sick of the “My” prefix to the posts. This entry is a quick one, hopefully. Though its really hard to tell that going into the whole deal. Sometimes I have a lot more to say than I’ve planned.

Lately there’s been a lot of strange dreams I’ve had. None of them have a central theme and most of them seem to be the kind of thing that you’d get into with a slasher flick. One of them, I was able to wake myself up from using a line of thought from Inception. Basically I began to wonder how I had gotten somewhere, why I didn’t remember traveling and why the people who were with me were there.

Woke me right up.

But these dreams are making it hard to sleep. which when you’re working on an average of four to five hours of sleep a day—isn’t good. Not much time you can cut out of that before its little more than a cat nap.

I don’t have any idea how to remedy it though, how do you get rid of the things your subconscious mind does?

My Momentary Lapse into Selfishness

2010-10-04T23:21:00.001-05:00

I had a bit of an absence last night. Couldn’t stand to be online or writing for the rest of the night and I just had to get out to do something. It seems like as things get more stressful, the things that would never bother me normally suddenly become stressful too.

Every little thing snow balls and the weight is just to the point that I can’t be bothered to take on any more and I shut down. That’s kind of what happened the other night and I just wanted no part in anything else that was going on.

Call it a momentary lapse into selfishness, but it happens sometimes.

My Thoughts on “Machete”

2010-10-02T11:36:00.001-05:00

When I first heard about the Grindhouse movies back when they were in theaters I had some mixed ideas of what to expect. I was going through this “must be mature” phase and thought that it would tarnish all of that if I indulged in movie watching of that kind.

Still when the DVDs came out, the movies hadn’t made the splash that I thought they would so I didn’t rush to by either of them until I saw they were on sale where I worked one day and thought what the Hell.

This was almost a year after their release.

I bought Planet Terror and wasn’t as wowed as I thought I should be, but what did get my attention was the fake trailer for Machete. It was funny, ridiculous and I instantly wanted more. So when I heard it was coming out because of popular demand, I was giddy.

Fast-forward to now—I don’t think I’ve been this disappointed by a movie in a while. It should have at least been to the standard that the other Grindhouse flicks were. But it was just a mess. Most of the ridiculousness and hilarity lost in the blatantly obvious, zealously repeated political message that the movie’s makers tried to hammer in.

All that sticks out from this, over the women hiding phones in their vaginas and the people repelling from rooftops with intestines is that this movie was a platform for illegal immigration and not even a good one. The rhetoric is just a rehash with people saying things like, “We didn’t cross the border, the border crossed us!” and other tired lines from rights battles gone by.

Even those who are in strong agreement with the message probably won’t like the way its handled and I think it would be hard for anyone to review this movie and not make mention of this.

Frankly, the experience left a bad taste in my mouth, I’m hoping that "Get Him To The Greek” will be better, though Russell Brand scares me.

My Busy Signal

2010-10-01T23:38:00.001-05:00

I’m taking a break from going back over and editing, painstaking harsh edits this time. I want to delete things that are not needed and I want to cut down word count as much as I can. I should have something more substantial to put here tomorrow though.

My Perfect Attendance Streak

2010-09-30T23:50:00.001-05:00

A snake tried to bite me today, so I took a shotgun and bit him back.

If you couldn’t tell, this post is only here to keep up my perfect attendance streak.

When Will the Writing World Stop Complaining About “Twilight”?

2010-09-29T03:45:00.001-05:00

I haven’t always been so active in the online writing community, for the longest time my writing was something I kept to myself as a personal thing. I shared it with few and I never really discussed it besides with a close friend or two.

Since I have been more open and out there about it, Twilight has been the dominating force in the world of writing, especially when you’re talking about Young Adult Paranormal Fiction. And rightfully so, it’s reached people of many ages, reached across many different cultures and has spanned a series of blockbuster films.

Before I go any further I have to admit, I’ve never read the books. I have seen the movies though and found them to be entertaining, not heart stopping but definitely not the worst things I’ve seen.

My question has less to do with the movies, seeing as how I am talking about writing here. But why is it that every forum post, every blog, everything from writers out there is a complaint about Twilight? People devote movements to hating it, they pay money to attend the movie and mock it…

So much of the talking seems to stem from anger and jealousy over the success of Meyers. I think that some of the writers out there haven’t gotten over the fact that by and large, the industry isn’t looking for the most verbose, well written thing possible.

It’s looking for decent stories and plot that are relatable and immersive. Guess what? Writing isn’t the only form of readily available entertainment and your average reader isn’t going to spend their life in a book. You can’t get mad because people don’t want to read thousands of pages of description and what’s considered more literary. Books like Twilight aren’t the enemy, they’re apparently where the market is and whether you like it or not, as a writer you’re going to have to contend in that market.

So do yourself a favor and use the time you’re complaining with to better improve your own craft.

My Fall Cleaning

2010-09-27T03:54:00.001-05:00

I took the time to sit down yesterday and take stock of all the numbers in the phone. Some of them might be people I haven’t called in years and some of them are good friends who I hear from almost daily.

It’s a tough thing to just delete someone out of your phone, it feels like deleting them out of your life. Some I’ve kept, despite their being wrong and in the case of my brother, though he’s dead I still like that his number is there in my phone. Call it foolish, but its the truth.

You can’t scroll through your phone and not dredge up some memories and sometimes even a few instances of “who is this?” here and there. I feel like the technology has really become imbedded in our lives, these experiences with face book and cell phones weren’t common twenty years ago…they were less common even ten years ago.

So I’ve plucked out the people whom I have no place for anymore. I’ve stripped away those who I can’t talk to, won’t talk to and especially those who won’t talk to me. Sometimes I wonder why I added a number when I see it, it was bound to never get dialed, many of them weren’t.

But as I do this, there’s something odd about some of the people you cut out. Maybe its that I look for a common pattern in things where there really isn’t one. Some of them shaped me so much, whether good or bad, some of them I just have no desire to talk to and I think that inside I know that it ended because I was tired of carrying us. I was tired of being the only one who could pick up a phone when they didn’t need something.

And then there’s the good. I can honestly say I don’t have any of those friends right now, all of them are there for me in some capacity. I don’t have to be the one to initiate conversation and that feels great.

My Comfort Zone

2010-09-26T11:27:00.001-05:00

I’ve been trying to gauge when its okay for me to tell people to stop without sounding kind of odd.

Everyone has had the inevitable times when a conversation got to a subject that they were less than comfortable, maybe its because of the person’s views. Like there are those I absolutely can’t talk politics or religion with because they end up calling me stupid and I don’t take well to that. The last time that it happened, it pretty much destroyed any chance of this dude and I becoming good friends because he acted as if he had every right to act that way, even after the fact because he was passionate about something.

That really has less to do with comfort zones than it does with me not wanting to get into random fights.

But what if you’re the one in the wrong? What if you’re being too sensitive and all the other person is doing is talking about whatever and you suddenly realize that its bothering you? I feel like I can’t say anything because its just not expected of me. Most anyone that knows me knows I can talk about anything and I’m always that guy who tries to leave no topic untouched.

Though what is there to do when things take that unexpected turn and you find yourself on the other side of things.

It’s easy to be the pushy one, but when you catch a glimpse from the flipside—its not all that fun being pushed or pulled.

My Life in Flux

2010-09-25T11:05:00.001-05:00

Last night was probably the last time I will see my friend for the next four years. Things changing is probably the only thing that you can honestly count on in life. It’s funny to think of where I’ve been and what I’ve done and then look at where I am now. It’s not something I would have chosen for myself a lot of the time and other times I wouldn’t have myself be anywhere else.

Maybe that’s why I have such a hard time spurring on new changes myself. It’s hard for me to act on things because of what it might bring. I’m fearful of the ripple effect it will have on my life. Though its not as if I could ever stop change altogether.

I guess its been a sad couple of days, though not in a way I really noticed until I realized how happy I was to speak to my friend after over a year of not talking voice to voice. I needed some cheering up and she provided that. It’s always nice to hear from someone you miss.

Normalcy’s in short supply and I kind of hope things stay that way. A few things can become a constant; familiar faces, voices, friends, a place to just sit and think, but life’s kind of interesting when things are in flux.

Well I have to go nap, last night was rough and I’m a little tired. I got up early just to talk to someone and realize I’d neglected my blog. Story edits are piling up, notes on agents and people to call once this is looking more complete and job applications and offers…Today might be the last time I can get a good rest for a while. So I’m going to soak that up if I can.